Interesting poem, heartfelt. Its short lines convey bits of feelings and messages that are simple and need to be heard.
- The idea of no owning the one you are secretly in love with is very strong.
And repeated. "own you", "don't belong to me"
These are good repetitions.
- I also understand that you're saying that what counts for you is to see her happy, with or without you. So "happiness" is another important word.
Although I understand its repetition, I think that it loses its effect when you use it six times in the last three stanzas. I wish you could give another word, one that also explains your itdea of "happy".
Overall, it's a good effort to get your message across.
I came across this insightful piece of writing, an original philosophical tale.
Your message comes across and the piece speaks through metaphors that are easy to understand.
If you don't mind my comments, I think that there are a few inconsitencies here and there.
This sentence is ambigiguous:
"There was nothing both times,
but if you had gone,
you would gotten both"
do you mean
-there was nothing in the package?
-there was nothing in the mailbox?
-there was no reaction to the news?
I'm sure this part could be made clearer.
I also think that all the line breaks are not necessary in a piece of prose like this one, but that's up to you.
The end is excellent, I like the simple revelation that consists of one word.
I am visiting your port, reading some of your poetry. This one has a good title, intriguing. The reader wants to know what kind of battles you are describing.
Actually, you don't say much about them and the curios reader, like myself is left to wonder. This is more of a general reflection to take stock of life's ups and downs that have made you what you are today - as you repeat at the end of each stanza.
I like this as a whole. It sounds mature and, although it is a personal item, anyone can relate to it.
If I had something to suggest, I would say:
- Add something more personal and precise. Something that makes this a poem about you. It can be done by using a few words in the poem that are sligtly more defined than "bad", "easy" or "liked". It would make this lovely poem more striking.
- This is just a minor complaint. As you have this closing line of each stanza that comes as a leitmotif, I think that using the word "today" once more, to open the final stanza, could be avoided.
These are just my suggestions, I hope you don't mind them.
I have enjoyed reading this poem about life and growth.
This is a good poem for its short content and the way it is constructed.
I think that the form could be easily improved.
- I would begin by getting rid of repetitions "my memory", "the memory", "my memories". A little too much in such a short piece.
- the other thing I would avoid when re-editing, is the use of "but". It is also used three times and it doesn't allow you to experiment with a diiferent structure that would convey the same ideas, but could put things in a different order.
It is a simple poem, but the focus on the importance of memory and faith is made clear.
I hope you don't mind my comments; feel free if you have any questions.
I read some of your poetry tonight and the quiet feeling in this one somehow soothed me. Although there is sadness and death in a cemetery, there is also beauty and calm.
This is very descriptive in the beginning. You then deliver a message to the reader. I'm always surprised when I see your long sentences that form a whole stanza. Personally, I would cut some of them, also for the sake of your readers... I would lose my breath to read out stanza six! LoL.
But it might be a simple question of adequate training. Hmm...
Anyway, this is a nice poem and a good way to share your reflection on this subject.
This item was waiting to be rated in your port, so I decided to r&r it.
I really appreciate the work of Rita Dove and was curious to see how you handled the subject.
The beginning is very striking. Your description, in just a few words, of what your mother's kitchen looked like, is incredibly vivid. I like the comparison with a "1950's doctor's office" (I think you wrote "doctors").
The great imagery is there throughout the poem, always with great precision.
I thought that the last four lines were not as strong as the rest of the poem, something feels slightly forced there, but it's just my impression.
I was wandering through your port, and decided to spend some time there. Just wanted to discover your poetry and read some of the numerous items in your folders.
There are so many that I liked. The way your thoughts flow freely and mix with images, speaking to both the reader's mind and senses is really wonderful.
Some of your poems are more abstract, oblique. This one is more straightforward, carried by the commitment behind your words.
In this poem, just as in the other works that I've read, I have enjoyed following the progression from one thought to another.
It's a great idea to share this true story with us. It's something I had never heard of and you did make it sound very funny. The solutions you found show that you are... a creative person.
Thank you for the pleasant read and good luck in the contest.
This poem is very inspired and, as it is often the case, one can feel your love for the beauty of nature. This particular poem has a very romantic feel, probably due to the imagery and slower rhythm.
I would have chosen a different color for this time of day. Something more purple, plum. That's just my personal vision!
This poem kept me interested until the end because I could clearly feel the honest and straightforward approach.
You chose to "tell" more than you "show". Maybe you could have talked to the reader through some imagery too. But your poem conveys its message clearly and effectively as it is.
This is another of your beautiful pieces of writing. I love the construction, the way you organized your thoughts. I found it very interesting to follow the path.
You describe a vision of love and a character who is a skeptic or very cynical. I like your personal point of view, the way it's developed towards the end with the final image of the "wounded little boy".
I also think that the title sounds very appropriate, it fits your choice of vocabulary very well.
This is a poem that I understood and felt. It is wonderfully expressed, although I'm not a fan of poetry that rhymes. Still, there is a lot of freedom in the form and flow that makes it very pleasant to read.
I love the extended metaphor you used. The encouragement that a child needs, the combination of freedom and guidance that are essential to build his or her self-confidence are clear in this poem. They certainly could do without an adult's anxiety and doubts.
Such a difficult time in a woman's life. Being the mother of a teen can be very painful indeed.
The emotion you put in your words is very strong. Personally, but that is just my opinion, I would no use the emoticon in the middle of the poem. The words are clear enough. Good ending and declaration of war, although the capital letters are not really needed in "still".
I read this item with great interest and without stopping. I really think you did a great job with it. It's one of the rare five-star ratings, as far as I'm concerned. I don't know about the millions, but you've earned my esteem.
The fluidity and great sense of timing in your writing are remarkable. You are a great story-teller indeed.
Good luck in the contest,
Axilea
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For an item this short, this is very intense. It really feels like a dream, not just because you say so in your introduction, but because the narration gives that particular feeling.
There is a personal voice and style in this short story that I enjoyed.
This is a wonderful item. Of course, the poem stands for itself, but the introduction and sketch add to the overall picture.
The poem is touching with simplicity. The descriptions and ideas are clear and tangible. I read it with great pleasure and followed the path that your poem takes.
Good luck!
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Axilea
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I was busy reviewing for a contest when I decided to take a break and saw the sentence on your billboard. It really made me think. And it really made me laugh!. If it's a quote, could you tell me who uttered those amazing words?
I had a look at this folder. The pictures and your words on "unique roots" and "citizenship of the world" really moved me. Probably because they also describe the way I feel.
I had already read this poem some time ago. I even thought I had reviewed it.
It's sweet and evocative, light and pleasant. I like it. The imagery could be a little more original, but I guess you wanted this item to be short and simple.
Nice choice of color and font.
Good luck!
Axilea
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An interesting piece where emotion is only revealed by action. The realistic handling of the story made me wonder the intent behind this short story. Maybe because war is absurd, in my opinion and the death of young people something that is philosophically unacceptable for me.
Of course, the story itself is worth reading for those of us who would like to know more on two subjects: war and death.
You chose to go into every detail, every move, attitude, expression and dialogue. It's all part of your personal style and you show good writing skills.
I wish you good luck with the contest.
Axilea
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is left to wonder. This is more of a general reflection to take stock of life's ups and downs that have made you what you are today - as you repeat at the end of each stanza.
