Thank you for entering your poem in
{bitem:
I am the guest judge this week.
A narrative poem with rhymes, quite a long story that works as a metaphor.
Your long lines make the rhymes less present when the poem is read out loud.
The first stanzas are well thought out, with striking imagery. Then some parts of the poem become somewhat confusing.
This is just my opinion, but in: "Ice and fire was all I saw, my eyes with death were stained,
and many men did death attack, I led him to the gore."
I am not sure I understand who the word "him" refers to.
Also, in these lines, the subject is not clear, it seems to be shifting: "I love my wife, but still, I could not leave my thoughts of mirth,
and all the while, inside and out, my wife, to God, would cry."
It would probably sound more natural if "my wife" was not repeated.
{b}Overall, this is an original attempt and the message about the pain and absurdity of young men being sent to die is an important one.{/b}
This story sounds more like memories of childhood than a work of fiction for both its construction and content.
The depiction of the grandmother's world is very rich and extravagant, with interesting and vivid details.
I particularly like some long sentences that are well worded and give the reader the impression that you found your personal voice and style.
I enjoyed this description of what happened: "This angry glow that had engulfed her living room for the last time had not acquiesced to the familiar and gentle blue light of the late morning and open drapes, but had instead charred the familiar landscape, leaving only black, a stench of ash and the metal framework for the ancient furniture she had so immaculately maintained amidst the chaos of her own collections."
My suggestions.
I have the impression that, although this item standes on tios own, it could be part of something longer. There are many doors you left open for the reader: the boy's dreams and ambitions, the grandmother's life and personality, the changes that take place in the environment...
I think this is a good piece of writing, but I did not find "the cyclical nature of the loss and re-gaining of innocence." in it.
A little early for summer, but your poem makes it easy to imagine.
The visual impact of the poem is very pleasant and does follow the musical feel and rhythm of the poem.
The sounds, voices, noises are very present and lively, with very good alliterations that serve the purpose of holding the reader's attention on the concrete details.
Sugestions:
I am not sure why you wrote "at last" to begin the second part of your poem... why not "until" or "then"?
Favorite lines: "Windchimes tinkle on time
with a wrinkle in the wind"
Thank you for this honest and useful article. By entering this time in the contest, instead of one of your beautiful poems, you show how unselfish and kind you are. I hope that everyone appreciates this as much as I do.
You make an excellent summary of the qualities required to be a full-time mother and passionate writer. I do share your opinions on this subject.
You are remarkably positive in the way you handle the difficult sides of the "two full-time jobs" and that is what makes your item really helpful, even to those who are about to give up.
I love your description of something I find so difficult to obtain, as a woman:
"As a parent, especially a single mother, it's impossible to disappear into the study for hours and surface with bags under our eyes, coffee-stained teeth, frazzled hair and a satisfied, although exhausted, smile on our faces. "
I love this image, it almost sounds like the picture of happiness to me!
(And it's probably even more difficult if you're not single...)
Thanks again for generously sharing this piece with us.
I just took this simple poll as I saw that only two members had taken it until now. Now, you have three answers...
It may be interesting to know what kind of activities writers like to do when they're not writing.
You repeated swimming twice... besides, it could be mentioned together with sports. That would leave room to dancing, painting, shopping, making love... You really have an infinite choice there, so you'd better use to the best! (hope you don't mind my suggestion).
It's good to read a piece of writing that is educational and fun at the same time. I thought this one was well thought out, an interesting analysis that doesn't take itself too seriously.
I always enjoy reading items about writing, language and linguistics and I would certainly recommend this one to all the writers and readers on wdc.
There are so many different experiences in life, so many different kinds of feelings. I think this is great.
Thinking there is only one way of being, feeling, thinking, loving is some sort of tyranny, in my humble opinion.
I think your item, written in a simple and straightforward way, proves that each and everyone of us has a different path to follow to discover who he or she really is.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am this week's guest judge.
A captivating poem with a vivid character description. I could easily imagine the person, the smile, the way she moves... which means that you did a great job describing this with the right words and creating a living picture.
I totally agree with the conclusions you draw. In a world where sensitivity is seen as a form of weakness, one feels encouraged to "act", as you say, searching for "strong" people's approval.
This comes from a deep misunderstanding of human nature: sensitivity is a great strength and those who look strong and whom many try to follow and please are probably much weaker than they seem. This is the way I see the content of your poem.
The form and flow are very pleasant and smoothe.
Some of my favorite lines:
"So she laughs and she smiles
even though inside she's lost
because no one likes weakness
and that is the cost."
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am this week's guest judge.
Nice title, evocative, just as some lines in your poem. I like the reflection on life and death just by looking at a tree.
As the idea is good, I think it is really worth working on it, extending the metaphor and developing the content.
The word "tree" repeated too many times in the last lines of your work prevents the reader from really appreciating its potential philosophical contents.
These are just my personal suggestions, I hope they are helpful.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am this week's guest judge.
The idea behind this poem is very interesting. I like the kind of observation this kind of work implies.
There are some great lines: "And the air becomes so thick
That it wobbles before the eyes "
"But then the breeze comes -- bells chime
Skirts dance around pale legs, hearts race."
There is lovely, original imagery.
If you don't mind my opinion, I think that what is missing is a better link between an image and another. You see the pictures of the city in summer, but they need to become part of a whole story.
You also used the adjective "pale" five times. I can see the effect you try to achieve, but it could be done by using other words too, maybe.
Overall, a pleasant and original piece of writing.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am this week's guest judge.
I am reviewing the entry #335588 in your Poetry Book.
This is a parody of a poem written by William Blake. Thank you for posting the original version too.
Political satire is a genre I appreciate and, as usual, you are very successful in your attempts. Of course, the tragic aspect quickly wipes the smile off the reader's face.
I think highly of both your talent as a poet and your courage to speak up your mind and face hostile opinions.
I read it again and concentrated on the rhyme and meter as well as the perfect flow.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am this week's guest judge.
This is a beautiful poem on a classical theme. As you might know by now, I am not a big fan of poetry in rhyme and meter, but I appreciate your writing skills.
There is a good progression of thoughts that holds the reader's attention from beginning to end. A very soft and romantic tone that will speak to many readers.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am this week's guest judge.
This is a great item for all those who have experienced pain, especially the kind of pain that seems to linger and nobody understands where it comes from. Chronic pain and doctors' helplessness or people's disbelief can even be worse than the pain itself.
But your strong approach, both in style and content, teach us a lot and your word are chosen to encourage and empower those who suffer. That is great!
I think there is a typo here: "to show you’re tormented self?"
that should be "your tormented self".
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am this week's guest judge.
- Your poem takes us to an imaginary world of knights and romantic love, with imagery that you wanted to have a medieval feel:
"You abdicate and desert
The vineyard after it ripened,
The rose garden after it bloomed,
The dark hole you brightened."
This one is quite successful, actually.
I have to admit that this is not really my favorite kind of historical, romantic, nostalgic poem, but I can still appreciate your skills.
- I find it quite clever that you stopped repeating the opening line of each stanza after the fourth:
"Sovereign of my heart,"
And you used it again only as the very last line of your poem.
- The color red and centered format also look like a red rose or a reminder of "the scarlet locket" you mention.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am this week's guest judge.
You poem is... refreshing! More seriously, the words chosen "serene", "quiet", "while I was snug in bed", "kind", "loyal", all give a sense tranquillity and peace.
If I had a suggestion to make, it would be to avoid the cliché of a "white blanket" when speaking of snow. There must be a more personal way to suggest this kind of image, why not try?
I like the friendly, straightforward tone of the last stanza.
I discovered this short piece of fiction in your port. It's really full of surprises. Great writing, you depict the whole scene beginning with action, so that the reader is hooked until the end.
Another strong point in your piece is the way you blend the characters' thoughts, tangible reactions and dialogue.
Just a good example:
- "`And she-she left you ? For good ?' It was hard not to gloat, to keep her voice even, to keep the poisonous laughter in her throat from sneaking out."
Wonderful twist in the end, well done. I'll be back to read more.
A very gentle, yet passionate love poem. Nice layout and flow, a smoothe read.
Looking at the one you love, feeling, tinking. The second stanza is the most effective one, in my opinion, as it speaks more to the senses:
"silky touch",
"the perfume of your breath".
Although it is in the title, I don't know if repeating the adjective "special" three times in the last four lines is a good idea. But that's my point of view.
I wish you good luck in the contest.
Axilea
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/axilea/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/14
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.33 seconds at 7:16pm on Jun 15, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
