This short piece of writing, a dialogue, has a very promising title and item description. That is what attracted me at first.
I think that the situation becomes clear and that the kind of "nightmare" you depicted is one that many readers will relate to.
It's just my opinion, but I was slightly disappointed. I think that a good subject like the one you chose, deserves more. It's the interaction that seems very short to me, while the confrontation would normally be a very unique and strong one.
Especially these two lines of dialogue: "“I’m afraid not.”
“This is all my fault.”
could be developed as the character here seems incredibly resigned and ready to accept his fault. The reader may wonder why.
Still, I have enjoyed reading this short and intriguing piece.
You share very interesting thoughts on feminism in this short item.
Although you don't explore the different points you make, you are successful in making the reader think.
The ultimate dream (nightmare?) of an androgynous society is not just a feminist idea, though. It is one of the symptoms of a common neurosis that tends to eliminate all differences. This Eldorado of countless possibilities is, in fact, the end of freedom. An individual is free because s/he can make a choice, whic means opening a door and closing all the others. The androgynous society is that of immature beings who refuse choice as an obstacle to their fulfillment, just like a child who wants everything and ends up with nothing.
Complete independence is another of these dreams that turn into nightmares. The more we turn to individualism and forced independence, the more we end up living in atomized societies where we become more fragile and isolated.
As a woman who believes that women's power should be recognized in our societies, I also believe that this can only happen if there is a dynamic exchange between the sexes and a certain degree of interdependence.
This being said, I can also understand that, despite all the changes that have taken place since the nineteenth century, women can still feel unhappy and worry about their future. Let's not forget that many things we fought for are questioned and that sexism still exists, although its forms have become more insidious over the years.
Thank you for writing a piece that will make many readers think.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1118934 by Not Available.
This short poem briefly explores different aspects of things that one does not see directly in life and their effect, such as "fear", "anger" or "lust (which is probably a very masculine point of view, the need for something mysterious and hidden behind veils... for fear of facing reality?).
The words are simple and convey the message clearly, although I was personally awaiting an answer to what is explained in the item introduction:
" One needs to know more about oneself."
It is simply my personal opinion and, of course, I may be mistaken, but I don't really see anything in the poem that suggests such need.
The last stanza was a little confusing to me:
"What I cannot see is that
Which’s always inside me."
This is very clear, but then it reads:
"God made man in His image.
And His image I am."
The link between the two ideas is unclear to me. So is the fact of man being made in God's image in relation to a worl's that cannot be seen.
I hope you don't mind my comments and attempts to understand your final stanza.
Very good poem, great writing skills for someone so young.
The choice of words is very well adapted to the subject and general athmosphere, from beginning to end.
I also like the typo and layout that fit the content.
I have really enjoyed reading this piece of poetry, with the original concept " Life is but a Dream for the Dead. And the Dead keep Dreaming."
This looks like an autobiographical piece of writing, but it may also be fiction. If it so, it could be developed into something longer, because I can see that from here, there are different struggles, memories, events that can be told.
What I really like is the link between the loss of the character's father and the birth of his son. I appreciate the fact that the sad event is re-lived and somehow finds its "place" in the character's mind just as he finds his own "place" as a father.
I think that the layout and spacing between paragraphs would make this more attractive to readers. Also, I noticed a typo: "ordering his and that" -> "this and that", I suppose.
“It doesn’t have any hair.” I am not sure who is saying this, although it's probably the father, because it sounds as neurotic as "I feel sick" in the beginning. After all, it's his wife who's giving birth and needs all the attention.
Overall, this is quite good and deserves some more work. It could be extended, in my opinion.
Very lovely and empowering poem. As a woman that feels close to the Earth and its power, that discovers or re-discovers her own as well as her sisters', I am sensitive to this kind of athmosphere created by your words.
I especially like the last two lines that say so much in few words, about the future, about love and resposibility.
I have a few items in my port that might interest you, feel free to have a look.
This is the first time I find a poll on marriage on this site.
I took it, but had to select the "I don't know" option, as ot wasn't very clear, after all.
You wrote:
"How old were you or would you like to be when you got/get married?"
I suppose for some the answers may differ between the actual age and the one they would have preferred. Also, it has to be specified that you are probably refering to the age of a first marriage.
I have to admit that I know nothing about pirates and the little I know comes from a couple of books I read as a child.
I was quite surprised to see that you chose this size for your font. Maybe you have a particular reason or want to create a particular effect. I am not sure, but it's ok...
A story all in rhymes, actually well written. I think you could have picked up "children's" as a genre, I'm pretty sure that many 10-13 year-olds would appreciate this piece too.
"ladies hearts would melt" -> "ladies' hearts"
This was an unusual read for me, but I was able to appreciate it.
Very intriguing. I have to admit I knew nothing about this test.
As it doesn't mean much to those who take it for the first time - I advise readers to take and see what I mean - it would have a few explanations, maybe a link to an item in your port that explains the test.
You added an external link to the complete test and I will have a look at it.
A lovely childhood memory, the kind of event a child remembers forever. For some reasons, many of such memories are linked to the discovery of an animal and wildlife.
It's good that you also selected children's as a genre. Young children will like the story and understand it easily as it is written with simple words.
I would suggest an improvement here:
"Of couse, swimming was the easiest part of having a pool; keeping clean was the hard part; my brother and I each had a chore to help with this. Clay, my brother, had to vaccuum the leaves and dirt from the bottom, and I had to empty the filter basket. "
-> "Of couse, swimming was the easiest part of having a pool; keeping clean was the hard part. M brother Clay and I, each had a chore to help with this: he had to vaccuum the leaves and dirt from the bottom, and I had to empty the filter basket."
This way it's clearer and you avoid the repetition of "my brother. What do you think?
I noticed a typo:
"It's family will miss it." -> "Its"
This poem about loss conveys feelings, questions and thoughts with elegance.
Form and style are effective and your content speaks to the reader. The sorrow that is felt is very tangible throughout the poem.
There is something "solemn" in this poem that some readers may not like. I think it fits the content. Like in the first stanza, with its adequate imagery:
"Inside my heart a book there lies
Of things I've seen in other's eyes-
Dozens of shards of broken dreams
Piercing at times hearts' tattered seams. "
If you don't mind my opinion, I think the following lines sounds a bit cliché:
"Sweet comfort comes to wash with tears", you can maybe find a different wording for this feeling.
The idea is clear to me and I like the movement, this feeling that things are here and there, some may turn our lives into a mess, but they'll all be gone after a while.
ît's a feeling that many can relate to, I'm sure
I think that the form is well adapted, but that the content could have been developed more in one or two places. For instance in:
"Jumbled thoughts
They crowd my head.
They run from here
To there
Tt doesn't matter."
î wish there were one or two more concrete details on yhe thoughts and their effect on you.
I also noticzed a little typo:
"Tt doesn't matter." -> "It"
The title of the poem is what I found intriguing, followed by the item description.
I really like the free verse here, it walks hand in hand with a colloquial tone that gives your poem the more intimate feel of a private conversation.
"belching and farting, that kind of thing;
but as you get older, they get a bit more sophisticated, don’t they."
I was left wondering, after I had read the poem, and could not really understand the intention behind this piece of writing.
Then, I came to the conclusion that it was meant to provoke the reader, by listing some common habits that seem to get worse throughout one's life. It's up to the reader, then, to draw his or her conclusion as you give no miracle solution.
This is an original poll, I had never thought of putting all of these irritating comments together...
There are days when one can forget about them or think that the person didn't mean any harm.
But we don't necessarily have the same strength and patience every day.
All of these sayings have something irritating because they are general and don't show any concern with the individual who is suffering, so they can hurt rather than help.
I voted "other" because I immediately thought of another one that I heard for a long time, until I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.
Whenever I was in pain, I was told, in one way or another, that "it was all in my head". It was not only irritating, it was simply wrong and made me feel completely misunderstood... until I was up again and looking for an answer.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1118934 by Not Available.
You chose the pantoum form and did well. There is some kind of static situation to which the chosen form gives movement.
This is a good attempt and I particularly like your opening lines: "Gray clouds boil up behind the hill.
Soon darkness marches through the sky."
A beautiful and original opening.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1118934 by Not Available.
.
This is a passionate poem and a tribute to someone that really counts.
The words are strong - just like the arms in the title - and the rhythm and bold characters all contribute to the same feeling.
Although I understand this line and its meaning within the poem, I have the impression it comes suddenly or that it is not realy at its place.
"I was walking alone in the soft Spring rain."
although this is just an impression I had.
I really like the beginning and the end. The two stanzas respond to one another effectively.
This poem is a classical, well written tribute to those who fought at Gallipoli.
I can perfectly understand and respect the importance this has to you and your country.
About the content, and to give some information about the war itself, I would like to add some information that comes from a bilinguial site (English-Turkish).
"For the people of modern Turkey the Battle of Çanakkale, as they call the Turkish struggle to retain control of the Gallipoli peninsula and the Straits of the Dardanelles, the Çanakkale Bo?azi, in 1915, was one of the defining moments in their history. Two powerful European powers, Britain and France, tried to wrest that control from Turkey. They had even promised, if successful in their efforts to defeat Turkey, to give the capital, Constantinople, and the Straits of the Bosphorus to the Russian Empire. The failure of the British and French campaign, and the many stories of the resistance of the Turks, is remembered and honoured by dozens of memorials and historic sites on Gallipoli and along the Asiatic shore of the Dardanelles."
"Australian visitors, not surprisingly, spend most of their time at Gallipoli at the cemeteries and memorials of Anzac. However, a day or two given to visiting some of the Turkish monuments and memorials in the area will provide an insight into the Turkish perspective on an event which has played such a major role in Australia’s understanding of itself. At these sites are powerful stories of courage, determination and sacrifice. Such places are a reminder that these qualities were not only to be found on the Allied side of the lines but were, and remain, a common inheritance of all peoples who have been involved in the tragedy of war. This bond between the ordinary soldiers and sailors who fought at Gallipoli was well expressed by the President of Turkey, Mustafa Kemal Atatürk:
"There is no difference between the Johnnies and the Mehmets to us
Where they lie side by side
Here in this country of ours."
I thought that this iformation is an essential complement to your poem for all readers who have an interest in History.
This is a day for tributes. I don't know why, but I never read so many in just one day.
Of course, I can only agree on the content!
The whole poem is nicely worded and conveys simple, true emotions.
I don't think I would have used all the emoticons, but that's just a personal opinion.
This is excellent! The story, the way you told it, concise, effective, strong.
The story itself bears infinite similarities to many stories from all around the world. You are telling a universal truth about human nature.
I also loved the way you mixed different genres within the same piece of writing. Wonderful!
I loved this sentence:
"Church services were offered for most mono Judea/Christian God denominations as it was reinforcement of those with the power and their reasons for being in power"
- How terribly true! -
You choose "experience" and "documentary" or "news" as a genre, but isn't this also a satire, especially because of the second part?
I recommend this to who enjoys reading AND thinking.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am the guest judge for this week.
There is a story that is told in your poem and it's a terrifying one. A bad experience, violence, rape, abuse... may leave scars that are not easy to heal.
I like the name you found for what stays with you even long after such a horrible experience: "the shadow".
The words and sentences are simple and straightforward. The "presence" is well described until the twist in the end.
The phrase that could be improved, in my opinion, is "you took what you wanted" that sounds a little cliché.
Thank you for sharing a good and thought-provoking poem.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am the guest judge for this week's contest.
This is a good poem that follows the assignement of the A-1 Writing Academy. It's a nice desciptive piece on this season and what you see around you.
You successfully evoke feelings of warmth and pleasurable moments of carefree smiles and walks.
"Apple blossoms dancing,
the duckling-speckled pond.
And people smiling all."
I know this is very subjective, but are you sure about the color you chose?
There are a few lines where the subject and verb are not very clear: "Yet spring with trees of green
lace and soft soothing hues,
brings enchanting beauty."
"spring being the subject here, I would have used a comma before "with trees..." just as you use one after "hues", so that this part between two commas does not separate the subject from its verb.
It makes it easier to read too.
I hope you don't mind my suggestions. I enjoyed reading your short and sweet poem.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am the guest judge for this week.
This is a wonderful poem, with imagery that avoids all clichés. It's creative and personal, the way poetry should be, in my opinion.
Already your first stanza quickly invites the reader to discover words that speak to the senses, references to the poet's life and past that are partly left unexplained.
"The rain; my messenger of melting glass"{/c)
what a wonderful image.
- Typos:
I noticed "metalic" that should be "metallic"
and "the" written twice in the frist line of the third stanza.
Thank you for this work where abstraction and concrete details blend beautifully.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am the guest judge this week.
A narrative poem with rhymes, quite a long story that works as a metaphor.
Your long lines make the rhymes less present when the poem is read out loud.
The first stanzas are well thought out, with striking imagery. Then some parts of the poem become somewhat confusing.
This is just my opinion, but in: "Ice and fire was all I saw, my eyes with death were stained,
and many men did death attack, I led him to the gore."
I am not sure I understand who the word "him" refers to.
Also, in these lines, the subject is not clear, it seems to be shifting: "I love my wife, but still, I could not leave my thoughts of mirth,
and all the while, inside and out, my wife, to God, would cry."
It would probably sound more natural if "my wife" was not repeated.
Overall, this is an original attempt and the message about the pain and absurdity of young men being sent to die is an important one.
Good luck,
Axilea
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