This is an original story and, although part of the answer is to be found in the title, the reader quickly forets it to follow the terrifying events taking place in the woods.
The first part of your story is very good. The reader is quickly introduced to the situation and characters. Your descriptions are clear and the action moves at the right pace.
The third pararaph is where I found some repetitions and less rhythm in your narration: "He stopped before me and grinned. He asked the final question of his life on earth. With the knife in preparation for murder, he asked, “So, would you like to take it in the throat or the gut?” He painted his face with the brightness of the lantern, exposing a set of gold teeth. “So you want to take it in the throat like you’re better half here,” he said in a cold and cruel snicker. He held the knife against my Adam’s apple,"
- I'm not sure of what is meant by "his final question of his life on earth". Whose question? Whose life? Not clear to me.
- Why does he ask the question and then repeats the same words immediately after? This slows down the whole action.
"and just before I could join my love in death, he was gone suddenly in a catastrophic attack by huge entities that made up the exact composition of the death bed that I was strapped to."{/c)
I think that, as something completely new and unexpected is taking place here, this should come after a period. And I also think that the sentece is very unclear. Do you mean that "they were made of the same substance."?
I also noticed something to correct:
"you’re family and its heritage". " In you’re hands" both should be "your".
The descriptions in the last paragraph are clearer and the reader understand what happened, although there seems to be no explanation.
I think that the originality of the story is worth some more effort and re-editing. I hope my suggestions will help.
Axilea
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First, let me tell you you chose a difficult and compelling subject for your poem: children who grow in a country in war.
And I have to say that I was surprised to see yo begin this work with the loss of "innocence", which you repeat throughout the poem.
Is it the first thing that comes to mind? To me, war means loss of the ones they love, even of those who care them and protect them.
That isn't right, wherever war takes place, whatever the children look like.
To me, war also means trauma, and the impossibility of carrying on a serene and fulfilling childhood according to what is stated in the human rights chart or in the children's right chart.
These rights include:
- Rights of provision, for example to education and health care.
- Rights of protection, for example, from abuse and neglect.
- Rights of participation, for example the right to be heard in matters affecting
the child.
You are mentioning this situation by writing "Growing up with blood on the streets right outside your door"
but then, your conclusion is: "(My child, please wash your hands)"
I know this is meant to be a metaphor, but it places too much responsibility on the child.
The responsibility belongs to those who bomb their homes, whatever their uniforms. And, above all, to those who send for such crimes.
You have a great subject here, you could certainly choose to go deeper and avoid repetitions. There is stil so much to say.
Very interesting piece of writing. The worlds you begin to explore open a thousand doors.
The dilemma that you mention here, by using strong imagery, is one that I have personaly experienced. I am sure I am not the only one.
"I eat up my thoughts, and crunch them with bleeding teeth"
...great beginning.
The philosophical debate that you are certainly ready for deserves a longer piece. It is just my opinion, but the way you seem to have a great interest in this issue, shows that I may be right.
After this appetizer, I'm ready to eat - read more
I'm sorry it took me so long to answer your message.
I'm glad that the thoughts I shared about your poem were useful.
Indeed, this version seems much clearer. I can see and feel the coherence. The last stanza makes sense to me now.
It's very generous of you to enter this item in a contest. And totally selfless. I was amazed to discover Russel online some time ago and happy to share the discovery. So, when you give the reader the highlights of his story, I understand what you are describing and agree on your interpretation of the facts:
"He was a homeless youth, abandoned by his parents, and the system punished him for his ‘crime’. He then became the very criminal they formed and deprived him into being. In the forty-four years that he was incarcerated, he discovered why he survived the cruel irony of his childhood. He survived to stop homeless youths from becoming the ‘feeder’ for the all too profitable business of the prison systems. "
And I have to quote you once again:
" How can we look at ourselves in the mirror or sleep at night when we know that we are abusing these people, these children, just as much as the system and the abuser, by not taking any action or speaking out to stop it from happening?"
You ask all the right questions - about individual responsibility and and those of an abusive system - it is essential to understand both.
You write with your brain and your heart. It is not very common to find both qualities in the same piece of writing...
I hope that this will make many people want to know more.
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I am one of the guest judges.
This is a poem hat asks many questions. The author/narrator seems to look for answers as if she were sharing her thoughts.
This gives the poem a colloquial tone. The specific form you used doesn't really change this aspect.
The first two stanzas are good in explaining the way you feel:
"What if what I cannot see are
things that come from inside me and
do the harm and tell the tale?"
Interesting question. I'd use a comma after "insde me" instead of "and" so that you don't repeat it.
The last stanza is the one I'm not sure about.
"Don’t let them do all the talking,
or the walking or the stalking,"
The three rhyming verbs with a "ing" form are distracting.
Then the end is very sudden:
"only this and nothing more"
It is just my opinion and I hope you don't mind it, but it is worth re-editing the last stanza to match the first two in style and content.
As usual, I felt this was very sweet and I had fun reading your descriptions of young parents learning to look after their baby.
I enjoyed reading this item, but as a poem, I thought that there were several lines that slowed the rhythm and flow. Like this one, with the comma right in the middle:
"Was a full day's work, but now it's just
A button to press - and stand by!"
This may also be because you want your poem to rhyme, whereas the free form would fit the subject and leave more freedom to focus on the flow.
This is just my opinion, I hope you don't mind it.
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I am one of the guest judges.
There is something moving in the way different details are put together to describe what you call the "first blind date since I graduated.".
This is written as a story, and i quite like the narrative aspect, although I felt that, as a reader, I wanted to know more of what happens between the beginning and the end. To see/feel the interaction between the two characters a little more.
There is one particular line that I couldn't really understand in this context:
"Must be living right or someone's not finished."
The last stanza is my favorite: nice realistic details and a beautiful way of coming back to the title.
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I am the guest judge this week.
The depiction of your little paradise on earth is very pleasant. The wording of your poem is effective, although I think that some clichés could be avoided: "It is as lovely as a beautiful woman"
"The sky as perfect as a picture"
Some of these comparisons are a little common.
Also, in a short poem, it's better to avoid repetition. "beautiful" is used twice in four lines, so is "peaceful".
This is a nice poem and I'm sure it can be easily improved.
Your activities and contests on fibromyalgia are very essential. Today, most people still don't know what it is, how much it can hurt - while the patient usually looks "normal" - and how the symptoms may vary from one day to another.
Your explanations are very clear and motivating. Hopefully people will understand how difficult it is to live with the condition and how one can be full of energy and "pay" the following day.
We have to learn to live with it and still spend quality time with those we love and stay active. But it also implies that we are understood by those who surround us.
I hope many readers will come and try to learn more about the condition.
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I am one of the guest judges.
A poem that has a good rhythm and this particular form gives the feeling of a circular movement. The lively and rich descriptions also add to the feeling. One can imagine those people dancing!
I wonder if another stanza wouldn't make this pantoum more complete, allowing you to add a few more elements to the action you portrayed. These are my personal opinions, of course.
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I am one of the guest judges.
A poem that conveys an athmosphere of hatred and violence that are frightening. I think that you were right to add "fictional poetry" to your item description.
The result is quite effective as a whole, although some parts seemed a little confused.
"My marriage got its start
The day that marriage met its end"
The statement is really distracting, in my opinion and the second line, repeated - as required by the form you chose - is a little too long and breaks the rhythm. It seems to me that rhythm is an important element of the pantoum.
What I like is the progression in your item, making things clearer towards the end.
These are just my opinions, I hope you don't mind them.
Intriguing read; I could not quite understand you metaphor.
It develops gradually, with descriptions that are clear, yet the metaphor itself left me wondering.
Is it about lust and old age? I wondered if the narrator was telling that beyond the apearance, satisfaction can be found.
Yet, "inspirational" and "scientific" selected as genres seemed a little awkward to me.
I'd be grateful if you could help me understand.
Best regards,
Axilea
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Visiting your port for the first time, I discovered this particulat poem.
I was drawn to it by the tutle and the captivating rhythm, with the idea of "digging" coming as a leitmotif.
The writing is good and personal, although not always easy to understand. I am not sure I understand the link between : "When we’re finally in-
In over our heads,
Fill our hole back up with dirt,
Lest our secrets get out,"
and
"hurt- hurt the ones
Who don’t understand."
But these are just my personal impressions, of course.
I encourage and welcome your idea and contest activity.
As I suffer from this condition, I fully understand the need for those who live with it to explain it to others in as many ways as possible. The symptoms vary quite frequently from one person to another. This is also the occasion of "portraying" this condition.
A contest like yours makes fibro more visible. This is good, since one of the main problems of those who suffer, is that they are often misunderstood and considered with suspicion. Saying that you are in pain and that the pain can move from one part of your body to another sounds strange to people, especially because it is chronic and invisible.
We need to be understood and accepted, otherwise depression is at the end of the road.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1118934 by Not Available.
I am on of the guest judges this week.
The originality of the form makes this poem quite unique. It is interesting for all readers to learn more about this complex structure you used. It's complexity fits the diffcult content in a strange way.
There is something very fragmented in the way you depict this tragic situation and the form itself conveys the painful and intricate consequences of war.
The unusual pieces of a puzzle you delivered here show us war from a different and personal perspective. My high rating reflects the originality of this piece of writing.
I saw this item with no ratings in your port and decided to read it.
It's a surprising poem, with strange, original imagery. I fully appreciated it the second time I read it.
There is a surreal quality to your writing that creates a startling effect.
I particularly like: "The clinking silverware danced in movements
across the wounded room, "
The whole place seems to reflect a world of emotions, an "inner experience" as you sugested in your item description.
There is an interesting idea behind this short poem. I like its creative structure and layout that fits the content. It shows step by step a fall to a state of dehumanization.
I think that the context could be clearer, one or two lines where the imagery would suggest to the readers' senses, a given context, something s/he can relate to. The impact would then be stronger, I think.
The title and the first line are what I prefer. Some re-editing may bring the rest to the same level of expression.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
I am the guest judge this week.
This is a lovely poem that flows softly. The rhyme and meter making it more even and gentle.
On the other hand, and this is just my opinion, the very qualities of your poem also seem to prevent it from exploring more, expressing deeper and more personal feelings.
There is "hurt", "pain", "past" that should be "forgotten", a "love" that is unchanged. All of these are fine, but I wondered "why"? What makes this love unique? What makes this person who he is?
Overall, I enjoyed reading your poem, as usual the form is smoothe and precise. I just wished the content was precise too end a little less conventional.
A great subject for an inspirational and sweet poem about a tree.
Not just any tree, but an old, huge, strong sequoia.
I like the way you describe it, turning it into a character in your poem.
"Ancient sentinel spirit
guarding the mountainside."
Nice image, it speaks to me.
Although I like the idea of a dialogue, I find the end less powerful than the beginning. I thought... the tree would have given a more mysterious answer .
The meaning of your poem, the respect and love of nature , make this a good piece of writing as a whole.
This is a poem of deep and intelligent reflection on... the reflection in the mirror and aging.
I like the fact that you wrote this as a journey that takes place in your mind and leads to acceptance. Not in the passive way, but with both wisdom and enthusiasm.
There are many beautiful lines with comparisons and metaphors that work, with the oyster and the pearl being at the center of your poem.
Lovely end: "Escape from aging has but one door. I choose not to exit,
I want more.
I want more."
I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Axilea
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