Very vivid descriptions and a style of your own that I can easily recognize. I believe that it's an essential quality for a writer.
The story is very enjoyable, with characters that appear to be very endearing and, while reading with pleasure, the reader also learns many interesting facts and details form a different cultural background.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
An excellent message that cannot be missed. You wrote this poem with passionate wisdom. Articulate, eloquent, although never wordy; well done! Very effective use of the pilot/plane metaphor.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
This short piece of prose describes an imaginary scene that speaks about your path to spirituality. It is quite enjoyable, although in my opinion, a little too abstract.
I would advise you to use one tense, the present, throughout this piece. The sudden use of the past tense towards the end, then moving back to the present, is a little misleading.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
Axilea
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This is a poem I have enjoyed reading. I like the image you have created with smoke that goes unnoticed turning into fire. Maybe the smoke image could be made visually stronger, as the poem is entirely based on it. A shape, a color... just my opinion.
Just noticed: "lingers" should be "linger" and "hearts" should be "heart's".
Such an attractive title and item description... The poem is quite unique, I don't remember reading a poem on this subject.
The pattern is simple and I focused on the impression of movement and grace that is present throughout the poem. I am not sure if the "abandoned railroad" is a real or imaginary place. It could be the metaphor of something old that is not used anymore, and yet, it can be beautiful and poetic. I wondered if this was about death, but I prefer to think that a dancer can always convey her art.
This is an enjoyable piece of poetry that reads like something from an other time.
I can see that it is very accurately composed as far as the form, meter and rhyme are concerned.
I thought that the second stanza was a little more complex to read, different from the rest. The following stanza is much more visual, with the "pearl" metaphor that attracts the reader. The first stanza too, with the word "tapestry" that focuses the reader's attention.
Lovely work. Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
I always admire those who can write effective flashfiction. This one kept me interested until the very last line. And even the last line does not reveal all until the end of the quote!
What really works here is the mystery you created, and the thought process throughout the story. It looks like a mystery at first and then unexpectedly (and quite successfully) turns into a psychological story.
Choosing to live life free of all resentments is a great message of real freedom.
The psychological aspects in this story - that may be a prologue to a longer story - are very clear, especially towards the end when the aunt's reactions are defined and make Teresa's character more consistent.
The first part could be quicker and contain more descriptive elements. We need to feel the rhythm of your story and want to read more at that point. The little girl's world could be detailed in contrast with the aunt's world. There is the cabinet with the porcelain dolls that is a good example of a world where things are nice, perfect and lifeless, so there might be something as striking to identify the other side of the family.
The last image of the girl crying, unhappy with her sandwich is a nice and credible one.
Thank you for entering Rising Stars Shining Brighter contest.
I remember reviewing a poem from your port some time ago.
This is very interesting too, although unfinished. I like the way you cut the different sequences. I think that it is worth continuing the work you started... As a reader, I'd like to know how the character decides to disappear and what happens after the funeral, when the flashback is over.
I can relate to many of the feelings you described: the conflict between the need for security and the thirst for freedom, the anxiety and loneliness of being responsible of one's life and happiness...
It is just my opinion, but maybe there is a lot of time spent here describing the way a tear falls. It sounds pretty, but I think that somehow it "delays" the right questions and the answers you may find.
Parents that give warmth and security are great, but they have another gift to give their children and that is confidence. I know that my parents made me see the world as a frightening place, I was overprotected and controlled. When you say that what you were or did was never good enough for them, I think that there was something wrong with the education they gave you. I don't think that it is good for you to feel responsible with "the problem". But you are certainly responsible for stepping out of it and finding your own happines without fear of their judgment.
Very funny... when such a catastrophe is turned into a story and can make readers laugh while sitting in a nice and safe place, it becomes funny. Going through the whole destruction would probably feel less amusing. I am always amazed to see that there are couples that get on well and actually love each other after events like this one. I have only met men who could not even admit having done something wrong and apologize, which might explain why I am single...
I have a question about the bird shit though... what kind of bird was that?
The title is unusual enough to attract the reader's attention and then the subject grabs one's attention from the beginning. I don't know if this kind of phobia exists, but it certainly sounds surprising. But then there are lots of surprising things around us, so why not this?
I have seen something to correct:
"when it was suppose to be cooler" -> supposed
I think that the paragraph about the weather is a little too long for the kind of information it contains. It could be better to make it just a little shorter.
The end is nice, with the kids spying on the main character, it gives the story a little twist that makes the reader smile.
I am not sure why this is "untitled", but it could be because it is a first draft. This sounds like lines that you have written for yourself that have a meaning for you and maybe help you vent and feel better in a painful situation. It is a good thing, but in my opinion, if you want to share this piece of writing, there could be some more work to do.
It can be interesting to show the "pain", the "conflicting emotions" rather than just to say that they are there. The longing, the loneliness, waiting for someone who doesn't come back... whatever the feelings here, they need to come alive so that the reader can experience more and actually feel the same kind of feeling.
This is simply my opinion and I hope that it helps.
Well this hamster looks familiar. In fact it might just be one of us. Aren't we all obediently and anxiously running in our hamster wheel? Some run very fast, so as to forget their angst and get lots hamster feed, much more than they could ever eat!
And some - can you believe it? - are even proud of it!
Your piece begins like a children's poem and ends with a rather dark, gloomy little painting of life.
This is a poetic tale and its subject would allow you to add "children's" as a genre.
The rhythm of such a narrative piece is important, and I think that it could be condensed, quickened to improve. Especially the stanza before the last two lines, the idea of running... and "no, danger had passed" that comes a little too soon, in my opinion.
You chose "nonsense" as a genre for this item, but I don't see the nonsensical side, if there is one.
I see the gloomy day of someone who feels dead inside, who lost interest in life for some reason. And, although there is the poetic side of the writing, the description seems realistic enough for most readers to understand such feelings.
One thing I'd advise you to do is to make line five shorter to keep the visual impact.
The other thing would be to reconsider the use of "like" in
"tedious like routine" and
" panic like condition"
but this is my personal opinion.
Nice story telling in this exercise of flash fiction. The timing is very effective, with the sequence of events happening like in slowmotion.
The end is quite predictable and yet the reader needs to check, moment after moment, how things are going to end. And I found this to be thought provoking because these things do happen in real life!
The idea that is behind your poem is really very interesting. You have some effective descriptions to make it come alive.
I have the impression that some trimming and tweaking would improve your poem. Some lines could be shorter and more concentrated in meaning, such as
"This empire of Gold and of Silver and Green and of Black and of all things Beautiful"
I see that this short poem is based on contrasts. This poem reminds me that age can haunt you with what is lost, help one focus on the essential and live today, while considering tomorrow . But I get the impression that you are focusing on more dramatic aspects of age.
The title is strong, although I'm not sure of the real meaning when I read the poem.
I have enjoyed reading this story from beginning to end. It is well written and captivating. Some parts are a little long, but this fits the style chosen for this kind of account.
Some parts remind me of the style and register that could be heard in old war films. This mixes with imagination.
This is sooo funny. It is very moving too, because you have a very lovely way of telling the reader about your mother and memories that are linked to her. It's lovely and honest.
I can easily imagine this well told story as part of a longer item. There are some vivid details and with those lively characters, this could be part of a novel.
This is a piece of writing that expresses many true and hidden feelings and some parts are quite powerful. I particularly like:
"You fight for accomplishment, companionship. But the madness takes it away. Fleeting every fiercely fueled flame distinctly behind can not subside you."
the first line is so true and your alliterations are highly evocative.
The layout of your poem is not very attractive - which is simply my opinion - I think that it does not fit the strength of the content.
Also maybe the use of punctuation at the end of the poem could be different; I would suggest a simple period after your last statement.
This is a very nice blog! I started mine not so long ago and never thought I'd create a blog before. This makes me think that I should share some more poetry.
I have really enjoyed the style and atmosphere here and I will come back to read some more!
This is an interesting article and it reads as something that you have learned from experience, not just theory.
I agree on the content, and I think that you have explained your point of view quite well, although you could maybe give some real-life examples.
I agree with what you are saying in:
" It doesn’t mean the person doesn’t love us if they can’t see that we need something; it might just be we are too guarded to let them see we need something"
The problem is that nowadays everyone tends to show that they are independent and capable of doing and having everything without anyone's help. This is a lie, of course and one of the reasons why people get together is to get what they do not already have.
Today's relationships are based on an unrealistic idea of romantic love. I'm not saying that there is no room for this, but we should not forget that there is nothing wrong with expecting our significant someone to give us what we are looking for. It might be protection, warmth, children, beauty, wealth... To accept this also means that we are ready to grow up.
Although I am not a fan of poetry that rhymes - I prefer to be honest about it - I think that your rhythm, content and rhymes combine beautifully for a spellbinding piece of writing.
The descriptions are all very detailed and build up an interesting atmosphere, one of mystery and silence that isn't really silence... it's a multitude of sounds and cries that make the reader anticipate what you are not saying. I prefer to focus on what you are actually saying and your descriptions.
Intriguing experiment.
Axilea
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