This is a very smooth read, it caresses the reader's ears and leaves a first impression of dreamlike, mysterious beauty.
I particularly liked those "pirates of the night", the way you described the scene and the way your italics stood out at that point.
I also appreciate the more unexpected lines such as:
"I flow in its trail across thousand mystic miles
amidst silent, snow-capped mountains where sound is a vice."
This kind of original writing means avoided the easy cliché of a moonlit sky or landscape.
This piece of writing is simply amazing. You have a very personal and unique way of inviting the reader to follow your thoughts, feelings and impressions.
The feel is so natural, yet the wording, structure and alliterations are precise and well thought out.
I really like the general atmosphere that can be felt when reading your work.
This is a very rich and personal poem, with imagery that uses abstraction and concrete details. Some parts of this poem are easier to feel than to understand and
that is something I usually enjoy in poetry.
I love the mental image you created with your short second stanza, which is the same kind of feeling that is found in the sixth stanza.
This is only a detail, but I wouldn't use the word "just" in:
{c:green)"who could ever just leave you?"
I think that it is useless.
Such a strong poem, with that question you keep repeating, a haunting reminder of your grandmother's hurtful experience of men.
Through your questioning, the whole story unfolds and it is raw and difficult, almost unbearable for the reader.
Uncompromisingly honest until the end in your poetic endeavor, you are thus successful in emphasizing your grandmother's honesty.
I have one suggestion:
the line "for they ring in my husbands ears when he hears your name"
is the longest in your poem and not very easy to read, mainly because of the use of
"ears" followed by "he hears". I think that this could be improved, I wonder what you think.
It is always such an interesting exercise to write something to the title: "I am". It is a good exercise against writer's block or simply to know oneself. It can be shared, but not necessarily.
It is good to see all the contradictions you bring along and that in one way or another end up making sense. Some parts sound disabused, some are a little cynical, some parts show a sense of humor, I think. Anyway, there are lots of emotions that are present in the simple fact of saying 'I am' or "I am not". "I am a friend
I am friendless
I am the guy who offers help when you are stranded
I am the guy you ignore when he is stranded"
Sometimes belonging, doing everything it takes to be accepted and admired becomes an obsession. It can dehumanize a fragile being, especially in a world where narcissistic tendecies are growing fast. What other motivation is there for young people - especially girls - when everything around us is about appearence?
This is well written, a lot is said in each sentence. Although it can feel cynical at times, which is a paradox when criticizing the lack of humanity in a girl obsessed with brands. Let's not look at the brand, let's not look at the surface when we could criticize a system more than the fragile individual that mirrors what the system asks from us.
Great begining that "shows" the character and speaks to the senses.
The metaphor may seem more common at first, but your interpretation certainly isn't! I have truly enjoyed your particular voice in this poem, together with a rhythm and flow that are quite unique.
There are a few lines that could be improved. I am not sure that this works:
"The sapling does not notice
Change, because it is part
The forest will change"
(part of what?)
Also, in:
"The modest sapling
Only modest for their youth"
shouldn't it be "its youth"?
I like the first lines and it really makes sense that they should be used again at the end, in some sort of cyclical pattern.
I also love these lines, their sound and meaning:
"I am a sapling again
Fragile though quick in growth
Delicate though flexible in gust"
You chose a very good subject, one that has inspired movies and songs, but not many poems.
You deal with this in a way that is close to prose, but with a poetic sense that is in the sudden impression, the beginning and end especially, that leave the reader with an image, a movement, an idea.
The only thing that I missed reading in this piece - and that is simply my opinion - is a closer look at the driver. Maybe you wanted this to be more abstract, which is fine, but I wonder if putting the driver in his cab and giving him/her gestures, personality (without necessarily saying who she/he is or looks like) could add to the impression you created.
Few lines, pleasant to read, that have a great message.
Maybe the feeling of "in wonder" is not as strong as the message itself... What I like is putting together the ideas of "hate", "hurt", "mankind" and "nature" as they are often dealt with separately.
A very good poem, great visuals and structure of thoughts. The images are delivered one by one and are clear enough without being explained too much, which would not allow the reader to interpret them.
I also like the way this looks on the screen, especially the longer line that realy gives the idea of a chain of elements, all different and somehow linked.
Effective description in this poem, through the use of simple words and good imagery.
It is easy to read, feel the rhythm and imagine how this can apply to many situations and feelings in life.
I especially like the idea - very visual - of darkess that comes "from behind" and how it is linked to one's mind "putting empty ghosts behind".
Maybe the word "shadow", used in the title and twice in the poem could be replaced as the repetition does not really add to the poem (just an opinion).
The "55 words" challenge is not an easy one and I always enjoy cominc across a short fiction written for that contest.
I think you did a great job here, as you have a complete sketch of a situation that could also be the prelude to a longer work of fiction.
Of course, this is a little condensed to fit the requirements and I had to read this twice to understand the meaning of the personal pronouns ) and adjectives (her, his, you, I) in: "The cheerfulness left her voice, replaced by hostility eerily reminiscent of his condescending ex-wife. “Whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested.”"
although it seemed obvious the secon time...
This is an original piece written to a prompt on ecotourism (an interesting, unusual prompt ).
The place you chose is also a unique one and calls for a particular structure in my opinion. I like the irony you used here and the dynamic effect of the dialogue, instead of making this a descriptive poem.
The only word that I would not use for this island is "pretty". The beauty of an active volcano is too proud and fierce to be called pretty, I think.
Bravo! A wonderful poem on the two faces that a mother can have, an extremely painful situation that a child feels even responsible for. Those two faces are generally a sign of schizophrenia. I have been through a similar experience which I could begin to understand through therapy years ago. Despite that, denial was so strong that I could not accept the idea. Today, I do and that is a very liberating experience.
"Kindness a foreign feeling to me, love a distant memory.
My heart aches at the love I still feel for you, and at the growing hate
Seething hate, blooming now till it engulfs me, swallows me whole"
These three lines are beautiful and true. And it takes a long time to heal, but remember, a creative being can move much faster than those who spend all their energy trying to achieve and pretend.
This is lovely! I especially like the format and the beginning; until you mention the moon in line 12, the reader does not know what you are writing about and can only followe this path "I traveled to the top of Winston’s Hill,
the highest point in West Laurence, Kansas"
I don't really know what this poem is about... I can only guess and, above all, I can feel. The feelings and emotions are very present throughout this piece of writing, especially due to the use of concrete details that make an abstract poem more down to earth, physical. "You are steel and lead".
This can be interpreted, but it can also be felt by most readers.
The loss seems unbearable and the reader can feel the sharp pain behind the words:
"I would not have tears
To drown the color from my eyes
No more terrible fears
No more hearing my own cries
You are cold and heavy in my hand
Yet so warm in my mind..."
This left me feeling a little uneasy. hich certainly also means that your poem was effective.
This is good!... I am not an expert when it comes to lyrics, but I could really imagine this as a song. It has an easy, natural rhythm. I think you could even add a little more.
As for the content, well, that's what's interesting. You are telling something about the pressure that's on women, the competition that is quite empty in the end, something that looks like a choice although the truth is that there is a whole system out there and it is difficult to say no. You are showing it with your lyrics that sound lighthearted and fun while making a good point on an important subject.
The title of your story attracted me because it is also the title of one of my poems.
This is a good story, I particularly like the way you use time to build up tension until the end. It is more psychological than horror, I think that horror lovers sometimes like things that are more extreme, which I don't really appreciate - but that's just my opinion.
Here, the psychological aspect sounds real and you did a nice job giving the sick aunt's words little by little, the way the main character remembers them. One is often alone when facing memories of this kind of mental illness and abuse.
Indeed, this is tragic Sherry. There is sadness in knowing this happens, acknowledging the pain and there is even greater anxiety concerning their future... So many abusers abuse who were themselves the victim of abuse.
An abusive childhood is often the key to personality disorders such as borderline or narcissistic. Which can turn to hell the life of a significant one and their own.
I think children and parents should be educated about this from an early age.
I'm giving this a full-star rating for the content. I like it that you have explored so many facets and feelings, violence, then again hope that something will change one day. And the horrible state of confusion that should be legally automatically linked to a post-traumatic experience and abuse. A very important point that should be better considered in European laws.
You have successfully depicted situations of physical and mental abuse with elegabt accuracy.
For your next attempt, it would be even better to work on the form -try different structures together with new encounters of words of meaning.
Interesting thoughts shared on marriage. Differences, there is so much one can say about them and I think that you give good examples of different tastes and habits.
You also show that our particularities do not prevent us from loving and being loved. Being complementary and respectful in love is what really counts.
Well written, although some of the longer lines are somewhat difficult to read in a poem, in my opinion.
You have written a nice poem with personification. "The sands of existence" later "fight", "wait to be devoured"they also with feelings: "floating with hopelessness."
It's a good choice, also reads as an allegory of society that takes so much from us and leaves us feeling guilty and desperate.
I think that the imagery you used fits well, but it could be enhanced with more unique and powerful vocabulary. (prey, away... those lines fall a bit flat). Just my opinion.
I think this is quite a god description of one of the tasks you face daily at your job.
There are many images that come to mind because you have used your imagination to paint a vivid portrait of a place that looks like a cave lit by torches - do you mean "medieval" where you used "mid evil"?
The metaphors are good and I think it is worth to concentrate on spellings such as "bye" that should be replaced with "by" or tenses.
You have switched form the present to past and back to the present, which isn't needed here as you're describing things you usually do and not a single action done in the past.
"So I pull out my blade and slowly start" is good and you can keep using the present tense.
I am not sure you tell the reader enough to explain your fear, though. It seems to be an important element about the way you consider your job. You could explain this feelings a little more instead of using the word "fear" at the end of your short description... as a reader, I understand that you don't like the place and some of the people around, although what you are afraid of is not that clear.
Your ideas and visual descriptions are good. Just do some re-editing to get rid of the mistakes and you can improve this piece of writing.
I hope this review helps.
Axilea
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