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Chickpea, this is really beautiful. I like how the free-verse and different line lengths add the the 'road' feeling. I'd maybe change up the structure just a little bit, but overall it is wonderful!
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You've created so much imagery and emotion for this piece, it really comes alive. I'll never think the same way about Miami again...usually I think of it as it is on the old show "Miami Vice" - very bright and colorful. You've told an excellent story, great job.
The only suggestion I'd like to humbly make is to change 'winds' to 'wind' in the 4th stanza. With the 2 plurals on the same line, I got off track with the word 'toss' expecting another plural for some reason. Write on!
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You did a great job with the diamante form. It is actually a lot more difficult than I think some people realize. I like the word order you chose - placing end words with '-ing', but I think the word "Condoleezing" distracts from the contrast you are trying to make because it adds another person and the syllables are too long. Well done
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Ohhh, I love stories about dragons and knights...you did a great job telling this one. I like the sense of urgency you've created, it goes well with the story you're telling and the words you've chosen portray the struggle that's occurring with emotion. The only thing I'd suggest is that in the last line, I'd make them both -ed words or both without it. Well done.
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Hey Richard -
Well, what can I say. The way you used ALL of the same letters for each stanza and yet still made this poem make sense is mind boggling! I like the sense of urgency that you've created in this poem with the short stanzas. Great job.
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Fyn, I love history and my father was there during the Berlin Crisis so I can really appreciate the sentiment behind this poem. The emotion and imagery were excellent. Great piece.
Thanks for your thoughtful research on this subject. My father-in-law died from this a couple of years ago...it all happened quite suddenly, actually. My mother-in-law didn't want to sue anybody about it because it would have meant that he needed an autopsy - but I hope they do something with legislation...
i like your poem very much. I guess sometimes we all feel like we've lost ourselves due to circumstances beyond our control. It's good to write down these emotions and sharing them helps others, too.
Your poem flows quite well. The only suggestion I would make for chenges is to count the syllables and try to get a more even rhyme scheme in some areas. Maybe take out some of the 'the' words and replace them with adjectives instead. These things will come to you as you go back and look over the poem again.
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Wow. This is beautiful prose. I love how you blended reality with the dream and back again so that it becomes liquid. What can I say? This is excellent, you have an outstanding vocabulary , and I can't believe you are only 17 years old! Well done.
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I love the way you described Heaven, especially the place where God was sitting. It was a very beautiful image. And the fact that your dream was so strong that you actually got up and looked for that book as a young girl is very sweet indeed. Well done.
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This dream that you had is precious. The ending was hilarious! I will never think of the Cookie Monster in the same way ever again...lol. There are a few grammar mistakes (Mommy and Daddy should be capitalized, for example)...but other than that it was a pleasure to read. Write on!
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I really like the imagery you created in the beginning of this piece. I don't particularly like roller coaster rides but you made it seem like it would be enjoyable by the way you described it. It would have been interesting to find out who the boy was who was sitting beside you in your dream (what he looked like, for example) and how your friend knew it was the same boy that you had met in real life.
I love this poem, it is very eloquent and flows very gracefully. I don't think some people appreciate how difficult and rare it is to write a poem like yours. Anyone can rhyme ending words and string them together, it takes a talented poet to put a poem like this one together...
You have a very unique and interesting contest, I'm sure it will inspire many unique and interesting entries! The prizes are very generous and the prompts are quite thought provoking. Best of luck with it. I hope to enter something soon myself...always love a new challenge
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I enjoyed reading your poem...it's very sweet and a wonderful reminder of what it is like to be a child, "free to make mistakes".
In the last stanza you wrote that "No, I would make those mistakes again"...I think you meant to say "Yes, I would make those mistakes again" if I'm reading the rest of the piece the correct way. Again, thanks for your entry!
I like this poem very much. You've taken questions of old and simplified them into an understandable poem which leaves the reader satisfied...not an easy task; but, you make it appear that it is. Good job.
I like this, it's very "Easyrider" with a late seventies feel. I think the word "superglide" is reminding me of the whole seventies "superfreak" thing.
I don't like motorcycles myself - I don't feel safe on them; but, my father is a life-long biker who sort of fits the persona of the guy ridin' the bike and I know he would just love this song!
"Jealous of me bein free" should be "Jealous of me bein' free"
Take care!
Lynn
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