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Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A wonderful poem about love between a skunk and porcupine.

What I liked most
I liked the entertaining word play, with my favorite line being "Was this love or something in the air?" although a close second is the first two lines of the last stanza.

My general suggestions
Not sure what to suggest, as this is quite good as it is.

Technical issues
I see why you have it, but I'd still probably remove the comma in the last line. It feels wrong, even though it seems to be there to communicate a pause. Perhaps you could use an ellipsis instead.

Conclusion
This was fun and well written. You have a knack. I'll be back for more, I am sure.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A fun and whimsical poem about child memories and magic.

What I liked most
I like the return to childhood memories, especially the stanza ending:

The words find the lost music, as I begin
to recapture the windsong from my youth.

In general, the whimsical tone and flow of the poem are very good.

My general suggestions
The meter and rhythm of the poem start well, but get choppier. While it is not required, or always desirable, to maintain a strict meter, it is hard to read certain stanzas when the rhythm is to random. An example of this is the following stanza:

From verdant shadows, a Norwegian pine
stands tall, its branches like well-muscled arms.
It offers a promise, against the skyline,
of climbing and swings among its many charms.

The first two lines have a nice rhythm going (and happen to have ten syllables), but the latter two sound too long (and happen to have eleven syllables) and you feel slightly breathless trying to get to the end. In particular, the last line would be better as if "climbing and swings" sounded equal, as in "climbing and swinging", and if the end "among its many charms" were tightened into something shorter and more iambic.

The term "bracts" seems a little scientific for the purpose, and while I love the use of varying vocabulary, this is likely to send people to the dictionary, and still be a bit puzzled. I'd go with something more like "The cast-off leaves rustle under my feet." myself, although it is obviously your call.

Similarly, "You call that singing," was his breathless retort, which should probably have a question mark inside the quotes, also seems a bit off with the word "breathless", which doesn't seem to fit the snarky comment.

Conclusion
Overall, a very enjoyable poem, which could perhap do with a bit of tightening and honing. Good job!


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Review of The Outside Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
I enjoyed this story about a teenager getting a room of his own for the first time, but with unintended side effects.

What I liked most
I liked a few different things. I liked the way you described being poor as just something he grew up with - that part was well done. I also liked the descriptions of the trials of getting up in the morning, always a challenge for a teenage male, but particularly in these circumstances. Lastly, you did a good job of putting in good, vibrant descriptive action, such as the wonderful sentence starting "Frequently in the morning my mouth pierced the covers like a periscope...".

My general suggestions
The one general suggestion I would make is to reread the story slowly and see the places where you have a whole series of sentences which start "I tried..." and "First, I heaped..." and then "As I snuggled...". While this is a story about your experience (or at least a first person story), the sequence of I this and I that can tend to get a bit repetitive, and could be expressed with a bit more variety.

Technical issues
I didn't see any which jumped out at me. Good job!

Conclusion
This was fun and well written. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A lovely vision of retirement, expressed well using a Villanelle form.

What I liked most
I like the strong visual of the "clear, deep lake of gleaming sapphire" which ties together the poem with a sense of tranquility, but vibrant, lively tranquility.

My general suggestions
The line "With nets and poles and people I admire," doesn't feel as strong as the rest, perhaps because you are visualizing specific people who like to fish and I can only see that the word looks jammed in to rhyme, rather than really fit properly. I'm not sure quite what to suggest, but maybe something about "fishing attire" or that sort of thing.

Conclusion
Well written and inspiring. I hope my retirement is something like that as well, even though it is still quite a ways away.


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Review of A MANLY THING?  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
Very entertaing and funny poem about a contest between a man and a woman.

What I liked most
I like the dialogue and action, although at the end I'd say she was cheating more than being clever.

My general suggestions
None, except that the rhythm gets pretty choppy in the middle, especially in the stanza starting Tween tipsied pair I’d been viewin',. No great harm, but it could possibly be tightened up a bit.

Technical issues
The punctuation is a bit off at time, but the gumor more than makes up for it.

Conclusion
A great deal of fun. Write on!


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Review of Revenge  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
Very entertaining, if slightly nasty, poem about an encounter with an ex-wife.

What I liked most
I liked the humor at the end, if as I hated myself for liking it.

My general suggestions
None that I can think of, except that the rhythm could be a bit more even. The humor was well worth it.

Technical issues
Nothing serious, although slight punctuation issues.

Conclusion
This was funny and sharp. Write on!


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Review of Destiny  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An interesting vampire story with a twist, written for the Invalid Item Open in new Window. contest.

What I liked most
The character of Destiny, the young girl, is well described, and I particularly like what she thinks to herself as she leaves school. Very clever.

My general suggestions
I think this would be even better expanded a bit more. There is plenty of opportunity for suspense that is passed up.

Technical issues
I didn't see any issues. Good job.

Conclusion
This was entertaining and different. Good job on the prompt, and good luck in the contest.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
Well written and creep story for a "short short" story contest (150 words max).

What I liked most
I liked the last line, which carried off the creepy tone very well.

My general suggestions
I have read this a couple of times over, and it feels as if you should add just a touch more motive. While you allude to "the last time", you spend much more time on stylistic details, which are very well done, but which could be pared down slightly to give a slightly more complete story about "the last time". At first, I read this more like a vampire story, partly due to the stylistic excess, partly due to the title and description.

Technical issues
None that I can see. Well done.

Conclusion
This was well written and effective. With a bit more tweaking, I think it could be excellent.


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Review of Life's Plan  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
Very effective "short short" story (max 150 words per contest rules).

What I liked most
I liked the lead up and resolution, which was well handled. The emotional intensity was surprisingly high for such a short piece. The last line is well done and shows without telling very effectively.

My general suggestions
Not much to suggest, although in re-reading, it struck me that "his mates" would more likely be back at the war, although I guess they could be mates from back home.

Technical issues
Note that I saw. Good job!

Conclusion
This was a well done effort. I wish you well in the contest.


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Review of Bid for Freedom  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
Very clever and surprising story for a "short short" story contest, max 150 words.

What I liked most
I liked the twist, which was well sprung.

My general suggestions
The last word seemed wrong. Shouldn't it be singular rather than plural? (Not wanting to give anything away)

Technical issues
None that I saw. Good job.

Conclusion
Clever and entertaining, if a bit un-PC. I very much enjoyed this.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
This was a well done "experience" story, writing about an encounter with the unknown in an unexpected place.

What I liked most
I very much liked the way you communicated your sense of trepidation facing... what you were facing, as well as your feelings after you discovered what you were facing.

My general suggestions
None, really. Well done!

Technical issues
I didn't see any issues, and thought you did a particularly good job with the italics, not over-used, but very effective.

Conclusion
This was an excellent entry in the contest. Best of luck!


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Review of A BAD OMEN  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
Well written and packs a lot in a very short story.

What I liked most
I like that you don't try to explain too much (tough in 150 words anyway, I know), but leave the reader wondering how Baby Bear will avenge them, as seems inevitable.

My suggestions
You use the phrase "strange smiles" twice in subsequent sentences. Trying mixing it up a bit, as it sounds a bet repetitive this way.

Conclusion
You did a good job with this challenge, and left this reader wanting to know more.


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Review of City Streets  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A good story overall, although I think it suffers from a bit too much foreshadowing.

What I liked most
I liked the way you described how a person can go from a perfectly satisfactory position to a less and less tenable position with each step making sense. The idea of "I wish I could have seen it coming" with the reality that nobody really could is well done.

My general suggestions
It is difficult when the POV is looking backwards to make sure that narrator doesn't foreshadow too much, but rather describes things as they felt back then. The most specific example of this is "Regardless, she wasn’t too tired to notice the way Mark watched her with those fathomless eyes." and other references to how hard it was to know what Mark was thinking. These tended to make it harder to believe that she would fall in love with him. I think you should find a way that the difficulty knowing what he is thinking starts as a positive, and is ohnly later revealed as a negative. The general impression of Mark is negative from very early on, so the suspense of what is to happen is missing.

Technical issues
I didn't see any obvious issues. Good job!

Conclusion
I liked the story, but felt it could be much stronger with better suspense and surprise about the characters.


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An interesting article on the writing process and how it can reveal our inner ego - to our writing's benefit.

What I liked most
I very much liked the paragraph ending "When it comes to writing, the fear is that we may leave some permanent evidence of our lies.", which is eloquently put, and with which I fully agree.

My general suggestions
The one area that is not addressed is the juntion between skill and internal honesty. Your final sentence is probably quite true, but in the absence of any nod to technique or skill, it could also be construed as indicating that all that matters in writing is internal honesty, which could be an invitation to purge poems and the sort.

Technical issues
You have "we say something a matter of factly" and it seems you have either aan added word or a word or two out of place. I am not entirely sure what was intended, but perhaps it would be better as "we say something matter-of-factly" or "we say something as a matter of fact".

Conclusion
I know this is an old piece of writing of yours, but I enjoyed it. Write on!


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Review of One Too Many...  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A very entertaining poem about a field trip with unexpected results.

What I liked most
I like your rhyming sense and sense of humor. I especially like

I gather them in one place and now comes all the fun.
I count each smiling face… Hmmm. I now have thirty-one.

but the whole tone is clever and fun.

Technical issues
I didn't see any issues, except for an inconsistent meter, but it didn't detract from the poem much.

Conclusion
This was very entertaining, and I look forward to browsing through your port some more. It is always fun to find a poet who writes comfortably in rhyme. Good work, and write on!


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Review of Girls Night Out  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A well written contest entry that describes a night out with "the girls", looking for love in all the wrong places, or at least one of them.

What I liked most
I thought you did an excellent job weaving in the titles without making the story sound forced.

My general suggestions
I was really curious to hear what Stacy thought "the rules of attraction" were, and was disappointed to find them skipped. (OK, that is not really a problem with the writing, but it was what I felt after reading this)

Technical issues
None that I saw. Good job!

Conclusion
This was fun. Congrats on the 4th place finish!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
I stumbled upon your poem by accident, but I am glad I did.

What I liked most
I like the imagery and the tone, but my favorite lines are:

Does she know about the echoes
that empty hearts make?

My general suggestions
I like most of the phrasing and images, but the lines

Does she think of me
or am I another passing car.

kind of hit with a thud. Given the ethereal nature of the rest of the piece, wouldn't a more natural image be something more from nature? Obviously, this is just an impression from a single reader.

Conclusion
This was well done. I have enjoyed wandering around your port and will look a bit more when it isn't so dreadfully late.


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Review of Earning It All  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An intriguing story about a scam that doesn't work.

What I liked most
I liked the attitude and message in the story. Janice is shown to be self reliant by her actions and reactions.

My general suggestions
The story loses a bit of the necessary tension due to a couple of missed opportunities. You have "He had bumped her, they said. Then, he had taken the papers and ran ripping them." which is a key and critical point of tension, but you don't desctibe it at all. Try adding a bit of imagery as he runs off, shredding the papers and throwing them into the street, or something like that.

Conclusion
The story is a good start, but it feels like it needs to be both tightened and expanded to cut out the dead space, such as the whole part with Nora, and expand the live space, such as the interaction with the man who bumps her. This is a good basis, but with a bit more work it could be even better. Write on!


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Review of The Sun  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A nice short poem about a new day.

What I liked most
The last stanza was my favorite. I also thought the poem was presented well.

My general suggestions
You describe this as a "lune", but it really helps if you describe a format that others might not know so that we can try for ourselves.

Technical issues
I didn't see any problems.

Conclusion
This was nicely done. It is good to see you stretching your style. Write on!


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Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
Fun and clever, but needs editing for typos.

What I liked most
I like the title and how it is woven into the story.

My general suggestions
Most of the problems in the story could have been caught with a spell checker. Always remember to spell check before submitting.

Technical issues
the breaze blowing -> Should be "breeze".

Noe the winds seemed -> Should that be "Now" or something else?

we could here something -> Should be "hear".

moved franticaly -> Should be "frantically".

on the menue -> Should be "menu".

the krickets -> Should be "crickets".

catiously -> Should be "cautiously"

tent of certian of -> Should be "certain".

never uderstand -> Should be "understand".

Conclusion
I enjoyed this story, and how you wrote about being young and afraid of monsters. Write on!


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Review of He has my body  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
I like the concept of this, but the execution is a bit off.

My general suggestions
I like the idea that the lover gifted you his body and so you refer to "my fingers" and "my ... lips", but the bridge to that is not clear enough, so it feels as if you shift abruptly between perspectives. I think there might be a way to make this shift either more smooth, or conversely to delay it so that it crept up on you in a later verse. It is an interesting approach, but by the time you have stepped back to figure out whct the heck is going on, you have too clinical or detached a view to appreciate the trick.

Technical issues
You should change the type to "Poetry" from "Other".

Conclusion
An interesting way of seeing the scene, which I like. Write on!


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Review of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A poetic shout out to some of the friends the author has made (presumably here in WDC).

What I liked most
It is good to show appreciation to your friends.

My general suggestions
It might be good to clarify just bit who the people are. I recognize at least one handle, so I think I know these are WDC people, but it might be a good idea to be clear about that.

Technical issues
The large font with large spacing made it harder to read this (for me).

Conclusion
I am sure your friends appreciate the shout out.


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Review of After The Ice  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A powerful, disturbing story. I had to read it a couple of times to really get it, but it was worth rereading.

What I liked most
I like the way you slip in the buddies and their "help", which only really makes sense later. You did a very good job of making the reader question exactly what was real and what was not, then tying the two together.

My general suggestions
It might be worth providing a footnote for those of us not well versed in the terms.

Conclusion
I started out with "Huh?", but ended up with "Wow!"


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Review of Rinku is Thirsty.  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
A sweet walk back memory lane. Very enjoyable.

What I liked most
I liked the way you started the story in the here and now, and gradually the mist covered the scene as in a movie, and you remembered back... back... back...

My general suggestions
None, I like it the way it is.

Technical issues
I didn't see any problems. Well done!

Conclusion
This was a very pleasing and entertaining story. I liked it very much. Thanks for sharing!


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Review of HOWLING HALLOWEEN  Open in new Window.
Review by Ben Langhinrichs Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is offered in the spirit of encouragement and assistance. I appreciate your sharing your work, and am simply sharing my opinion in return. I hope it can be of use.

Overall impression
An entertaining poem for Halloween.

What I liked most
Owls hoot, and night creatures call,
Witches beckoning one and all.

My general suggestions

Technical issues
You have " Itching fingers in the bowls dwell", but I think you meant "bowels".

The punctuation is a bit spotty, and at times it makes it hard to understand the intended meaning. For example, you have " Ghosts and Goblins sheer delight", which could be " Ghosts and Goblins' sheer delight", meaning that it was sheer delight for the Ghosts and Goblins, or it could be " Ghosts and Goblins - sheer delight", meaning that the Ghosts and Goblins were a sheer delight for the children.

Conclusion
I liked the poem and its vision of Halloween, but it could be made much better with a little "spit and polish".


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