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Hi Russell. Thank you for the opportunity to review “Crystal Lake”. Let me say from the outset that I found this an excellent piece of writing, and that immediately causes me a small problem. You have identified needing objective and unbiased feedback that is not focussed on simply attempting to make you feel good about your writing. The problem for me is that, IMHO, it is good and well worth reading.
Okay, so let’s look at why I think that way. IMHO (again), any story has basically four main components; the story itself, the plot, characterisation and the mechanics (spelling, punctuation, grammar and word choice). The story itself is straightforward, moving in a steady arc from its genesis in Tony’s belief that he was responsible for his father’s death through to a catharsis of sorts as he seeks his deceased father’s approval and forgiveness. The plot aligns itself very well with the story. The plot concerns Tony’s search for absolution; put in Catholic terms, absolution for his self-perceived sin of failing his father.
This is a powerful theme, and one that plays out quite often in dramatic situations. The search for parental approval is a common issue, but approval is NOT love. Approval is earned, love is unconditional. Reading between the lines of your story, Tony’s father loved him, but Tony believed that he needed his father’s approval, and couldn’t see past this to the underlying reality of his father’s love. It may very well be that his father found it almost impossible to express that love to Tony, or had great difficulty in doing so. Tony is carrying an almost insupportable burden of grief, and has done for nearly 30 years, blaming himself, wrongly, for his father’s death.
In my professional practice as a social worker, I come across this from time to time. A few years ago I had a female client who, as a teenager, was very close to her father. However, one day they had a big fight and she shouted at her father, “I wish you were dead”, as she slammed out of the house. He died from a heart attack that night – and she found his body next morning. More than 30 years later she still blamed herself for his death. It happens.
So, a story that moves smoothly through the initial scenario of father and son, culminating in father’s death. Son must then work through his anger, which he attempts to do as “The Marine Corps gave him a way to escape his demons, a way to contain his anger,” Indeed, he is provided with the opportunity to hunt and kill efficiently almost in an attempt to atone for not killing efficiently when he most needed to. Invalided out of the USMC, he becomes a contract killer, able to continue this search for atonement.
So, IMHO, the story and the plot coalesce in a way that presents a powerful drama, almost melodrama of a lost man seeking redemption in a way that we know will never work. The tragedy is that, one day, he will make a mistake and find himself in the cross hairs.
Characterisation is an element that, purely from my personal perspective, is crucially important and central to any story. In this story, of course, Tony is the central character, and he comes across as an angry, driven man seeking what he will never find—the acceptance and forgiveness of his father. The demands of this search and its original activation have led to a need, conscious or subconscious, along a path of killing. Your description of Tony in this context is first class.
I have to be careful here; in your original bio, you said you lived at Leavenworth, and I am aware there is a big military base at Fort Leavenworth. Your story refers to Tony as a USMC veteran, and there are examples of military jargon (I’ll mention them later). I also read another story of yours, “Always Love”, where Josh is a marine. All of this leads me to suppose that either you are in the Corps yourself or you may have close ties to it. So I don’t want to seem directly critical of the USMC. But, and it’s a big but, Tony was able to nurture his need to shoot to kill accurately and efficiently through the demands of the service, and was decorated for doing so. I understand your comment about “saving men on black ops missions”, but that may simply have been a means to an end. “Since watching his father be attacked and killed, a deep anger has haunted him. The Marine Corps gave him a way to escape his demons, a way to contain his anger.” Sums it up pretty well, although the anger is clearly internally directed and heading towards self-hate. (Just in passing, you changed from past tense to present tense with “has”. Maybe “had” would be better).
More importantly, we don’t really know a great deal about Tony outside his ability with a rifle and his obsession with his father’s death. Did he have a partner, children? How about his mother or siblings? Friends, inside or outside the USMC? Who is Tony Zift and how is it that he still hasn’t come to terms with his father’s death? Does he have any religious inclinations and how might that affect his “chosen career”? Has he had any psychological counselling or would he have seen that as “messing with my brain”? At a guess, Tony is now 46—how does he see his future? More of the same or might he change? If we peel away the surface, there is probably a very complex but very flawed and probably very vulnerable character. And we do know that he is not immune to natural beauty when he describes what he has called “Crystal Lake” as “One of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen.”
The other character worth mentioning is Tony’s father. It appears, from Tony’s description, that his father cannot accept weakness and is probably a hard man, although he does show concern for his son’s safety. And it is also apparent that Tony’s feelings for his father approached hero worship
I remember in your original bio-block that you listed seven criteria for a good story. I agreed with all but two—I doubt the necessity for sadism, and your story certainly does not display that. But you also used words to the effect that any story must contain at least one character that you can find likeable. Sorry, Russell, but well written though your story is (and it is), I can’t find any even half-way likeable character, although I do have some sympathy for the chopper pilot! In attempting to deal with his own guilt and grief, Tony has degenerated into an almost mindless killing machine; some would say that the only cure for him is a bullet in the brain. I wouldn’t go quite that far, but he is so damaged that any road back would be fiendishly difficult. And the clock isn’t on his side.
Turning now to what I have called mechanical issues, I can find only the most unimportant typo (unless you count the “has/had” mentioned above). ““Dad!” tony cried out in fear.” needs a capital “T” for “tony”. Your punctuation and grammar look to be pretty good and the only query I have with word choice relates to what I think is military jargon. A “ghillie suit”—maybe, although that is a Scottish term for deer stalking camouflage. “Klicks”, I take to be kilometres, although Tony still probably thinks in terms of miles. “Intel” has to be “intelligence”, although if you use that term to a computer geek, he’ll imagine you are talking about the world’s largest semiconductor chip manufacturer. IMHO it is always preferable to use normal terminology to avoid the risk of confusing some readers.
Russell, I hope this gives some idea of why I see this as a well written story. I would like to see more about Tony, his motivations and why he has not been able to come to terms with his father’s death, and maybe some information about other people close to or associated with him. Plus, just a suggestion about being careful with jargon. Otherwise, good stuff, even though this is not a favourite genre of mine; maybe that showed through in one or two of my comments. I hope you keep up your writing; you definitely do have real potential.
Regards
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