That said, I think their is a place for religion. Some of the stories of the Bible have intrinsic moral worth.
This piece, is quite well written, grammar and punctuation are okay.
Where it falls short..... It's just too nice. Everything is neatly wrapped in a package.
Embittered old man meets someone with profound faith in Jesus. After a few weeks, there is a change, bitterness fades and the old man dies. His faith re-born. This helps the Principal appreciate his lot, so to speak.
Life is not like this, ever.
People don't change life-long views when faced with death. They might be comforted, hope may flourish where none dwelt before.
Perhaps that would make a better approach for this piece, that's up to you.
The confrontation at the start needs to be physical. I say this, not because I enjoy that kind of thing. maybe.
The stories of the Bible have great violence, they are never sugar coated. The moral that underpins every verse of the Bible is crystal clear because of these extremes of brutality. This is what your parable lacks.
Give it teeth. Make it darker and the light will shine through.
Hope this is helpful.
Regards
Markymark
Please review my Star Trek piece, from my portfolio.
On first inspection, this piece appeared to have been written by either a young person or an inexperienced writer.
I then checked your bio, realizing that in this case, both of my suspicions were correct.
I'll be as honest and helpful as I can.
Firstly, you should be congratulated. Your wordplay, for someone of such tender years, is admirable.
Punctuation, generally, is okay. Your grammar needs work.
Repeating words or phrases is a common mistake. 'I', 'He', 'She', 'The', 'We' .... etc.
'I' is most prevalent in this piece, and consequently, the story suffers.
I awoke
I wasn't tired
I was energetic
I ate my breakfast
I stopped
I proceeded
I stared at myself
I silently thanked
All in the first paragraph. Makes the piece read almost as a diary entry or a shopping list.
As an alternative:
Thursday, September 10th at 5:00am and the clattering of an alarm clock brought an unexpected smile to my face.
I won't tell you what you should write. When you remove a word or phrase that's been repeated, the ease with which the story re-invents itself will amaze you.
Following this advice will elevate all of your writing, poetry and prose.
Read and review my Star Trek piece, you may find it useful.
The form you've chosen, highlighting the disparity between two eras via the dance-floor... hmmm.
I'm not entirely convinced that your approach, alternating each section past and present, really works.
An alternative approach, the fish out of water scenario. Your protagonist finds himself suddenly ensconced in an unfamiliar environment, via a fissure in time perhaps. This technique would underline those same differences.
That's entirely up to you. Experiment and be a little more adventurous.
You must not mix: sparkles/casting/wafts/playing/approach/cascading All these words are present tense.
bowed/were/felt/danced/ These are not.
It's one or the other. Choose carefully.
Hope this is helpful.
Regards Markymark
Return the favor and review my Star Trek piece on my portfolio. Get your own back, Lol.
This piece succeeds where others fail, for one simple reason. Warmth.
The more I read, the greater the 'tug'. I felt my heart being pulled by each forsaken child, but especially Angela.
This is not a beautifully written, flawless piece, there are mistakes. That matters not.
At the end I was desperate.... longing for a happy ending.
My only suggestion, a little more detail. Unless the contest has a restrictive word count, fleshing out those insignificant but so important subtleties would perfect this story.
Regards Markymark
Please return the review: STAR TREK, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR on my port.
This is pretty good, but Science Fiction, well, it's hardly an endangered species.
Elevating your writing above the myriad of Asimov wannabes won't be easy. Publishers and editors are inundated with this kind of thing.
This is quite well written and paced.
Technically, there are a couple of things to avoid. Repetition of Shinto stands out, it's not as bad as some.
If he's a cyborg, tell us, Soldier/Alien/Robot/Immortal/Vampire etc. Whatever kind of character Shinto is, your readers need to know and it will break up that repetition.
He could hear them as they can(ran) into the room.
'This is going to hurt a little,' HE thought as HE struggled to get his knife so HE could dig his bio-implant out of his heel. HE needed to send it home....
Even thoughts should sometimes have speech marks, maybe. Careful not to repeat words so closely together (he)
Unless he is a robot, totally impervious to pain, getting shot hurts. The reader needs to feel that pain as the bullet rips through his calf.
As I say, I like this, but it can be improved.
Get your revenge (Lol) by critiquing my Star Trek piece, if you dare.
It's quite well written and paced, grammar and punctuation are good.
The problem I have, if you can call it that, I felt badly let down at the end.
The way it begins, there seems to be a slightly sinister piece evolving. The way each patient settles back into a soporific stupor hints at horrors to come.
These terrors never materialize, either from the new arrivals or the Doctor.
The way it's slotted together, with just a few changes, this could be a quirky little Edgar Allen Poeish story.
This is just my feeling, ignore me at your peril, LOL.
Regards Markymark
Get your own back and some of your GPs by reviewing: STAR TREK, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR on my port,
You've committed a felony here. Repetition on a grand scale.
This is a basic rule of writing and yet it seems commonplace on this site. Avoiding this kind of habit is the difficult part, you have to find different ways of expressing the same thing.
Once you begin you will find that it gets easier and it will transform your writing.
I woke to the horrible sound of MY ALARM. MY ALARM clock had slipped off MY bedside table and so I had to make a tough decision, either block MY ears and wait two minutes until the ALARM subsided or wrench myself out of the comforting warmth of MY bed and get up and turn it off. Eventually the harsh sound drove me into the cold to turn off the ALARM, giving me a thorough wake up, and that’s when I remembered today was the day I was going to SKY DIVE the Great Gorge.
I slipped on MY SKY DIVING suit and checked all MY gear, MY watch, MY breakfast (an apple and a muesli bar), MY water bottle and most importantly, MY SKYDIVING KIT, three kilograms of titanium steel, some strong woven material and hardened plastic fibre, MY most precious and valuable possession.
I strapped MY SKYDIVING KIT to MY back and walked quietly to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out into the brusque, cold morning air. From there I ran along the track and up a verdant hill, all frosted over, I delighted in the freedom I found roaming these hills, just me and nature. For awhile MY mind wandered, but then again it found purpose and I headed up hill, a hard hike, to the Great Gorge.
By the time I reached my destination I was puffing hard, I liked to think it was caused by lack of oxygen at that great height that I had achieved, but I don’t think I was quite high enough for that to qualify as an excuse. I gulped down a large mouthful of water from MY drink bottle and then I slowly and charily assembled and then put on MY SKY DIVING kit making sure I double and then triple checked every strap.
Death and what lies beyond is prevalent on this site, it can get tedious.
Your opening line sets the tone. This piece is quirkier than most and is better for that approach.
I avoid contests that give prompts, poetry should be free, unencumbered by someone else's ideas.
Please return the favor and review my port, especially the Star Trek piece.
This piece successfully evokes the feeling of a confused, delusional mind.
I can relate to that!!!
It's language is slightly naive, but in this case I think it helps the reader get into the child-like mind of the killer. Probably a deliberate ploy by the author.
There are grammatical errors, I won't list them, just go over the piece a couple of times.
Please return the favor and review: STAR TREK, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR on my portfolio.
Firstly, what I liked: This is quite well written, the dialogue is crisp and it has wit.
Favorite part.....His plea had all the effect of a restraining order on a herd of stampeding buffalo.
What I didn't like: I do realize that it's done deliberately, but using names gleaned from the Bible and retaining those same character traits associated with those names is lazy.
As a writer it is your job to define a character, not the Bible.
This story would still work without resorting to this kind of ploy. As I say, I recognize it was a conscious decision, but my criticism stands.
What I hated: Stereotypes. Jumping on the Al Qaeda bandwagon is a poor choice for a writer. Evil does exist in this world but it hardly ever wears a Turban.
There are things I really like about this piece, but at the moment, for me, the bad things outweigh the good.
Don't worry If you feel hard done by, get your own back and review: STAR TREK, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR on my portfolio.
This is quite a good opening. Well paced and quite imaginative in places.
Unfortunately, beginning a book/short story with a protagonist pursued and in fear of their lives is somewhat of a cliche, especially here on writing.com.
It appears many amateur writers adhere to this formula and it's a little overused.
Alice gazed up at Leon. SHE knew it. SHE HAD KNOWN it since SHE first saw him. SHE HAD KNOWN it for her whole life. But that couldn’t be, SHE had never seen him before today, SHE had no memories of him at all. Still, SHE could not deny what her heart was screaming at her.
SHE knew him. Didn’t SHE?
Beware the demon that is REPETITION. It will transform your writing.
I hope I haven't rained too heavily on your parade, stay positive and keep writing.
As I said at the beginning, I still quite like this.
Respectfully Markymark
If you want to get your own back please review: STAR TREK, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR on my portfolio
For example: 'SHE knew SHE had to keep running' would be better 'knowing she had to keep running'
You don't need 'attached to her.' at the end of the third segment. ( Sometimes less is more )
The brush was thickening, SHE knew SHE just had to make it another hundred yards and SHE would be at her car. SHE continued to get speed as the slope increased more, SHE could hear the creek running in the distance. SHE continued to run harder jumping fallen logs while SHE took short cuts from one trail section to the next, SHE felt the burning in her lungs and knew SHE had to reach her car.
Avoiding this kind of repetition will elevate your writing.
I liked: 'adrenaline was pumping through her veins like a faucet left on high' and 'through the brush like a locomotive with no breaks.'
I hope this helps.
Regards Markymark
Please return the favor and review: 'Star Trek, Alien Abductions and The Girl Next Door' from my portfolio.
Markymark here, you scary girl you. I recently reviewed your 'Secret Admirer".
Two observations. Firstly, unless you're talking about narcotics, I don't think their is such a word as drug (Dragged/stroked/pulled/sliced)
Secondly, don't be too ambitious with your words and phrases. Writers can sometimes let clever and self indulgent words get in the way of the story.
Don't fall into that trap.
I do prefer "Secret Admirer' but still, this is quite good.
Please return the favor and review: STAR TREK, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR from my portfolio.
Slight inexperience is evident with your repetition of certain phrases, 'the boy ' being the worst offender.
There are so many ways to say the same thing: youngster / child / lad / youth / He / His / youth / adolescent / laddie / schoolboy / kid / minor
Look over this, take time to think of different ways to say the same thing, it will transform this piece.
The reader will then get involved in the story instead of picking up your mistakes.
I hope this helps you develop as a writer.
Please return the favor and review:STAR TREK, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR on my portfolio.
I don;t know what the contest rules are so I can't judge it on that basis.
As far as the 'Magic Powder' is concerned, you really need to get under the skin of it, describe it so that the reader can almost taste it in every paragraph.
His horror and disappointment should be more pronounced than a phone call to his father.
These are only suggestions and you are the writer.
Kind Regards Markymark
Please return the favor and review: STAR TREK, ALIEN ABDUCTIONS AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR on my portfolio.
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