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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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501
501
Review of Last Time  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This poem is about a strong, powerful sort of moment-- the moment when someone decides to move on and not be hurt again. Unfortunately, the conversational tone does not lend the poem much power. It just sounds like someone talking to a friend to me. It could use some polish I think.

"I thought you should know, / not that you care anyway" These lines are passive aggressive and a perfect example of the conversational tone. I can hear a teenager saying these words on the phone with a friend. It doesn't draw emotion from the reader, and I think that it is important for the opening of a poem to really draw people in. Making the beginning passive aggressive could be good, but I would try to make it really pitiful, whiny, sad... something!

A few minor oddities:

"You broke my heart tonight...
I thought you should know,
not that you care anyway
Just a day like any other."

You mention "tonight", but then it is just like any other "day". Seemed a wee bit strange to me.

"No more tears for you,
No more wasted years,
No more holding my head down"

The repetition of "no more" is alright, but this is an opportunity to really build some power and emotion. The term "no more" is something a person would say if they were being tortured... it has a begging quality to it. Like, "'Please, no more,' he whimpered as the massive fist slammed down once more." See what I mean?

Build those emotions up for each line. Here's an example:

"No more tears for you" and then moved on to something more forceful (e.g. "I refuse to waste more years" or something), and then ended with speaking directly to him (maybe something like "You will never _______" or "I never will hold my head down again"). The build up would perfectly frame the end of the poem, which is by far the best part of the poem. It is the only place where I personally felt anything when reading it.

Overall, I like the message in this poem, and I think that you are off to a great start! With some effort, I believe this poem could be absolutely fantastic. If you decide to revise, I would love to read it again! :)

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502
502
Review of Fallen Angel  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a nice little poem. It has an effortless quality to it with no forces rhymes and a nice even flow. The ideas are pretty unique as well... an angel looking like the rest of us when she falls on her face. ;) It is not often that angels are personified with flaws. Clever.

I do think that I would consider cutting this stanza completely:

You can’t go on denying
That nothing has gone wrong
She knows that you’re just lying
And she’ll just keep moving along

First, it is the only place in the poem that speaks to the reader, which is awkward. Second, the tone seemed different in this stanza than in the rest of the poem. In all the other stanzas, she still seemed like a naive, pure sort of being. In this stanza, she knows you're lying. Third, 'keep moving along' to what? Why would anyone deny that she messed up? Altogether, I think that this stanza is the weakest link and serves no real purpose in the poem that I can see.

Otherwise, this is a lovely little piece right down to the smooth last lines. It's nice to read a poem that isn't pretentious and has a simple, clean feel to it now and then. :)

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503
503
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
hehehe... Cute story. ;)

It is rather matter-of-fact, which adds to the feeling early on that this girl is a sociopath or something. It has that callous sort of tone to it, which seems very fitting to me. Unfortunately, it also makes the writing a bit bland. The structure, wording, and so forth are all on the boring side. It is light on both detail and description, but it is a nice trade-off I guess.

The ending is pretty cute, but I think it may be more effective if you made the 'turn on the gas' part the very last thing. For example:

"When the kid gets cranky. I take her to the kitchen. The kid is always nice and quiet after I hold her head in the oven and turn on the gas." Now, this is far from a perfectly worded version of what you did... just an example of the order that I think would work best. Making the "take her to the kitchen" line its own sentence gives the reader time to think "Oh no!" and imagine blenders, knives, and all the other dangerous items in there. A wee bit of suspense. Saving the "gas" until the end just gives it more punch I think.

This is pretty short, sweet, and to-the-point. I do love short fiction, and overall, this was an enjoyable read. :)

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504
504
Review of Freedom  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
First, welcome again to WDC! I hope you get lots of helpful feedback! :)

You have some lovely imagery in this piece. The story itself is a bit confusing. I had no idea that this was a "period piece" until toward the end... and even now, I'm not entirely sure if it is supposed to be set long ago or not. How was the captured? Did she have to marry this man? If so, why would life be so cruel living in a mansion with a man she loves? Did she get abducted? Really, what is going on? I love stories that are open to interpretation, but this one is high in characterization (of Prudence) and very light on story.

There are some technical issues in this piece throughout. Missing commas, missing words, and lots of unneeded words. Here are a few examples:

"Not only the soul with which she her hope, but her own life" With which her hope... what? Missing word.

"Prudence sat herself lightly down" She didn't sit someone else down, right? ;) I think that 'herself' could be removed for a less wordy opening sentence.

"Many days she herself wondered" Does "herself" add anything to the meaning of this sentence? Not really. This happens frequently throughout the story. If a word reiterates something you have already said, it can overwhelm the reader and become repetitive.

"moon soft light" Should be "moon's".

"set her face alight[,] making her complexion almost ghostly" Needs a comma. Lots of these little grammar fixes needed.

The descriptions at times were a bit overbearing for me, and they often made the sentences so long that I had to go back through and read the subjects and predicates just to remind myself what was really happening. The constant adjectives and adverbs were exhausting, and despite the lovely imagery, I would have stopped reading this piece after the first paragraph had I not intended to review it. Any time you can make you wording more concise, I think it would be an improvement. An example:

"Prudence turned from the window to the voice she had come to know so well; low like a cats purr and yet so calm and refined that there was no emotion to be spoken of." First, ending a sentence with a preposition is frowned upon. Second, this sentence is overly long for what it actually says. Another issue is that the description of the voice is not close enough to the word "voice" in this sentence. It can lead to confusion and the need to reread the sentence. Here is a concise rewrite to give you an idea of what I mean,

"Prudence turned toward the voice, low like a cat's purr yet so calm and refined as to seem nearly emotionless. She had come to know it well." I like the description of the voice very much, but this is a far less wordy way to say it. First, we know she is at the window, so I cut it. Second, I cut down the 15 word phrase "and yet so calm and refined that there was no emotion to be spoken of" to 10 words. This type of tightening throughout the story could really improve readability.

A few additional oddities:

"If you were to listen closely you would hear" This sentence threw me while reading it because of the abrupt switch-- you suddenly started talking to the reader. I later found that this is the only sentence in the entire piece that speaks to the reader. There are many ways to fix this... "If someone outside the window might hear" or that type of thing would be simple enough.

"Many civilians took the time to remind her of her cruel life" The use of 'civilians' made me glance through the piece again to see if I had missed something. I ended up wondering if I had imagined the "Victorian home" and she was actually in an army barracks or something. ;)

Overall, I think you show great promise as a writer. You're clearly imaginative and have a flair for writing. If you didn't have talent, I wouldn't have bothered with a review this extensive. Really, it's the technical aspects of the writing that need the most work. Sentence structure, grammar, self-editing... they are not the glamorous part of writing. They may not be much fun at all, but they are necessary if you want to take your writing from okay to amazing. If you decide to revise, I would love to read it again. :)

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505
Review of mammoth cave  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
First, welcome to WDC! I hope you get lots of helpful reviews here! :)

You have the facts in place for this paper, which is the first step. Academic writing is all about the organization of facts, but there is still room for some basic techniques that make writing "good". The biggest issue with this paper is that it lacks sentence variety. The sentences are all simple and have the same basic structure, so the paper sounds... well... dull. I think the easiest way to show you what I mean it to combine and restructure a few of your sentences:

"Mammoth Cave is the longest cave system known in the world. The official name of the system is the Mammoth-Flint Ridge Cave System for the ridge under which the cave has formed. The park was established as a national park on July 1, 1941."

These sentences are all very similar and have a short, choppy sound when you read them aloud. Now let's try this:

"Mammoth Cave, established as a national park on July 1, 1941, is the longest cave system known in the world. The official name of the system is the Mammoth-Flint Ridge Cave System for the ridge under which the cave has formed. It became a World Heritage Site on October 27, 1981."

Additionally, you can tighten up that second sentence by reversing the order of phrases, eliminating the double "system", Like this:

"Named for the ridge under which it was formed, the Mammoth-Flint Ridge Cave System became a World Heritage Site on October 27, 1981."

Now, your 4 sentences have been condensed to 2, and they have very different structures:

"Mammoth Cave, established as a national park on July 1, 1941, is the longest cave system known in the world. Named for the ridge under which it formed, the Mammoth-Flint Ridge Cave System became a World Heritage Site on October 27, 1981."

No more short, choppy feel... but all of the facts are still in place. The paper would be greatly improved if you did this throughout. A simple sentence is fine, but it should be surrounded by sentences that have different structures. It will make the writing much more interesting.

Again, the research is good. It's the writing itself that needs to be polished. On a side note, I do hope that you have citations ready to go if you intend to turn this paper in for a class. An accusation of plagiarism is definitely not fun. Overall, this is a good rough draft. Good luck with your revisions! :)

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506
Review of The End  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
For someone who doesn't write poetry, I'm definitely impressed. I've been doing reviews all day, and this is one of the better poems I've read. The ideas are communicated well. There are no useless words tossed in for "flair". No forced rhymes. A nice, natural flow. Really, this is a solid poem.

You said that you're not that familiar with writing poetry, so I'll let you in on a secret. Grammar is grammar. There is some room for poetic liberties, but for a poem like this, you can punctuate it exactly like you would if it was a paragraph. I automatically add and remove punctuation when I read, as I am a natural editor. ;) Here is an example for you:

[But for some reason it fell through,
Like all things fall through.
Because life is fluid,
Nothing will survive to the end of time.
The tallest mountains,
The densest diamonds,
All will be gone by the end.]

This is punctuated exactly as it would be in paragraph form (assuming that there would be a "this thing was going to happen, / But for some reason it fell through"). There are places in the poem where you could have or not have commas too, depending on how you wanted the lines to flow. In general, a comma or period is a 'pause' in poetry, but I tend to prefer them either at the end of lines or where grammatically correct.

Okay... enough of that. ;) I do love that the poem never says WHAT fell through. It isn't really important, and I think that it allows readers to connect with the poem. Everyone has had a plan that didn't work out-- just like your poem says.

Overall, I really think this is good! I would be interested to see more poems from the so-called non-poet. ;)

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507
Review of Silent Rain  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I quite like this poem. The style is nice, and I think some of the ideas are just fantastic! I'll start with some things I like:

The toes feeling alien and distant... comforting his own stomach... touching the face to make sure it's still there. All of that is great! The disconnection not only from who he is but his own body is very evident. Nicely done!

The recurring 'Drip. Drip.' Works wonderfully. At times, I truly despise repetition, but it works very VERY well here. I especially like that the dripping is somewhat arrhythmic. 3 lines between... 2 lines between... lots of lines between. It reminds us of the dripping, which makes the end more powerful, but it is not in-your-face and obnoxious. Love it.

Some things that could be improved:

General tightening of the lines could be good. I noticed often that the writing could be more concise, which could improve the flow in place. For example, "They are trembling, stained with dirt"... "They tremble, stained with dirt". That "are -ing" is unneeded, and the line is stronger without the nearly meaningless "are" in there. There are a number of lines like this. Any time you can replace small simple words with more descriptive ones, that is an improvement. Any time you can say the same thing in a more concise way, that is an improvement as well.

"What is that sound? I can’t remember...
What am I doing? Why am I crouching here...
What’s going on? Who am I..."

I loved the repetition of the "Drip. Drip.", but I am really not a fan of the "what" repetition here. I would try to consolidate some of these questions somehow. These lines feel very bulky to me.

Similarly, I really do not like the repetition of "I remember" at the end, though I think it serves a better purpose here. I would try to cut it down to TWO "I remember"s. For example:

[And then...
I remember who I am, a man, a nobody.
I recall what happened. I lost my only purpose.
I know why I was crouching. I could no longer stand.
I remember what I am doing. Trying to forget...]

What do you think? Personally, I think that using synonyms makes the realizations much more powerful. I'm not suggesting that you use this exactly (unless you want to, of course), but I think that something similar would be good. I cut the "I remember" down from 5 times to two, but now those two really stand out.

The last line sums up the reason for the entire poem in a super concise way. Love that too. In general, I think this poem is very good. It really needs an edit (some weird comma usage and whatnot too), but the ideas are beautifully expressed most of the time. I enjoyed it! :)

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508
508
Review of Hit me  
Review by Cinn
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! :)

I really love short pieces like this, but there is definite room for improvement. First, it really needs an edit for grammar. That said, I will try not to harp on it too much. ;)

"Every punch you give me warms parts of me I thought I wouldn't be warm." Interesting idea-- the warmth from each punch makes sense for a few reasons. First, the idea that if there is pain, at least there is feeling... it's a common concept, but it works well. Second, the area punched really does get hot. I like the way you used the idea here. Though I think you probably meant "parts of me I thought couldn't be warm".

"They see me smile, deranged it seemed" I like this line too. It seems logical that it would look 'deranged'.

The description of the teeth in the end is grotesque and I quite like it too. Roots in their sockets... grinning. I dig it.

Honestly, I think you have a nice start here. It tells a complete "story", and I think the length is perfect. The grammar makes it a bit difficult to read though, and I have some difficulty imagining how this would sound without the run-on sentences and whatnot. Honestly, something tells me it would consist of incredibly short and choppy sentences. For instance, this is a huge run-on sentence. I'll break it up and show you the choppiness.

"My mind goes back to each punch given[. T]he force each blow had was tremendous[.] I hear my jaw break[.] my ribs crack[.] my collar bone potentially snapped[.] and nonetheless my teeth; absent from my mouth, their roots still in there sockets." There are a few ways to break this up into proper sentences, but this is the most basic. Very choppy. Additional points that need editing here (just to give an example of the amount of editing I think is needed):

"The force [of each blow was] tremendous." The "had was" is awkward to read.

"My teeth [were] absent from my mouth, their roots" The "nonetheless" makes no sense in this context, and this entire part of the sentence was awkward as well.

"I hear my jaw break, ribs crack, collar bone potentially snap" Basically, this would make each part seem less like its own sentence. ;)

These are editing suggestions for just one sentence in this piece. I love the idea, the word choice, and the overall "story", but it is hard to envision how the piece would read after you have polished it. I would love to see what you can come up with if you revise this.

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509
509
Review of Skybridge Domains  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (1.0)
Personally, I think that this is a ridiculous place to advertise your services. I understand the desire to increase your business' potential, but this is a strange place to do so. As for the writing of the ad, it appears that your company does nothing whatsoever that differs from your competitors. Not terribly effective writing. Sorry. ;)
510
510
Review of words  
Review by Cinn
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! :)

I love the first two stanzas of this poem, and you have great lines throughout. Your word choice, flow, and imagery are good. I do have some constructive feedback for you though.

First, the tone abruptly changes at the end of the third paragraph. Suddenly, the poem is directed AT someone (the father). It is an awkward transition and started feeling "ranty" fast! I think that I would edit down a bit of the venom. Rather than making the poem more powerful, it completely numbed be to the emotions after a while.

Second, some of the conversational tone works well, and sometimes it is a bit awkward. "arrange his gorgeous hair / to where he hates when i do it" This line, for instance, sounds like someone speaking. "to where he hates when I do it" is a super awkward line that disturbs the flow. I would consider changing it to "although he hates when I do it" or something. There are lines like this throughout the piece. Read it aloud, and if you stumble at all, try to find a way to fix the line you stumbled on.

Third, upon reading this for a 3rd time, I think I've figured out the biggest problem for me. You write "scenes" about what is happening, and then abruptly switch to accusations and words aimed directly at the father. It happens over and over again, and I don't think that format works very well... it makes the poem seem messy and less cohesive than it could be. I would suggest separating the "you did this, you are that" types of lines into their own stanzas, if not their own poem. I definitely think that a companion piece poem that is entirely venomous toward the father would work better than the lovely, caring scenes with venom spliced into them. Know what I mean? It could be an interesting contrast, but the way they are written makes them clash outright.

Anyway, I think that the writing is really great in places. The poem really displays a quirky sort of personality that I enjoyed reading most of the time. I do think that the poem desperately needs some revision to tighten it up and make the transitions smoother. Overall, a good effort. If you make any changes, I would be happy to give it another read.

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511
Review of Tidal Wave  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! I hope you get lots of helpful feedback! :)

This poem has a lovely sentiment. Most of the rhymes don't seem too forced, and it has a really cutesy, sweet quality to it. I have some suggestions for you though...

"arms encircling you whole." This line creeps me out a little bit. It has a bit of an uncomfortable "swallowed whole" feel to it, and while I'm not religious at all, it reminded me of Jonah being swallowed by the whale-- perhaps because of the sea being a prominent feature in the poem.

"Splashing scents of adorable purity;" I know what you mean by 'adorable purity,' but the line struck me as odd and distracted me while reading. Possibly the issue for me is that 'scents' are not adorable... they are not visible. Know what I mean?

"will soon turn a peaceful wave." Split infinitive here-- simple fix. It should be "soon will turn"

"is the life in me which you did save" This line is pretty awkward and interrupts the flow of the poem. For the most part, the flow is good throughout the rest of this piece.

"This current of my heart, is perfectly; / in synch with every beat." This is awkward because of the grammar issues. Throughout the poem, the semi-colons are misused, grammatically speaking. This particular example is more obvious than most though. First, the comma after 'heart' doesn't need to be there. Second, a semi-colon should be used to separate complete thoughts (or separate confusing comma-ed lists like Albany, New York; Trenton, New Jersey; etc). "This current of my heart is perfectly" is not a complete thought. It totally threw me when reading the poem.

Overall, this is not really the type of poem that I naturally gravitate to, but it was a cute little read. It didn't move me at all, and I am a mother myself. Somehow, it lacked power, but a few tweaks here and there would really improve the quality of the poem, if not the strength of emotion. Thanks for sharing with us! :)

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512
Review of Oh Muses  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (4.0)
First, welcome to WDC! :)

This piece caught my attention because I constantly struggle with writer's block and often just jot down whatever comes to mind to get the words flowing. I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by this piece.

I adore mythology, so the mythological references made me smile. I also can strongly relate to getting inspiration when it will be of no use-- either in those fleeting dreams or when I'm trying to fall asleep and have no pen handy.

Some of the lines are perfectly written and really connected me to the piece. "They giggle and taunt me as the great becomes the average," for example, is a fantastic line. I can certainly relate, and you worded it wonderfully.

The end makes me smile as well. Revenge on the muses for tormenting you-- a good idea and well executed. The mild rhyming is effective as well.

"I awake with a fleeting glimpse of the world I visited in my dreams and have them snatched away and only a glimmer of what was spectacular reaches paper." I like what this line says, but it is a bit clunky and awkward compared to the rest of the piece. First, it should be "have it snatched away" because you are referring to "a fleeting glimpse" if I'm not mistaken. Some minor tweaking to this line could improve it greatly. I would consider switching around some phrases and possibly breaking it into two sentences.

"The King of the Dead and ruler of the gloom would like some inspiration." This sounds as though you are talking about two entities, but I assume both descriptions are intended to be Hades. A simple fix: "The King of the Dead, ruler of the gloom, would like some inspiration.

Overall, I really like it! For a short musing to rid yourself of writer's block, I think it's great. Of course, I think that the best writing sometimes happens when you write something random like this. Very nice. :)

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513
Review by Cinn
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Welcome to WDC! :)

This could just be an advertisement, but I'm going to view it as a piece up for critique. ;)

To be honest, this "tag line" does not entice me at all. It barely hints at a genre, first of all. I could narrow it down to a few options, but I have no idea which would be accurate. Genre is the most basic information that I would want to know, and if I was reading the tag line without the genres listed in the Static Item description, I would have no idea.

Second, simply saying "he was the worst/this guy was the best" is a bit generic. There is nothing to spark interest there. The only specific information we have is the character names... neither of which are terribly interesting either.

Overall, this is ineffective in my opinion. I can't imagine anyone rushing out to see it because there is no intended audience that is discernible to me. The genres says teen thriller suspense... but the tag line does not indicate any of those things. Good luck if you decide to revise. I hope you can spark some interest.

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514
Review of Maybe  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! :) I hope you like it here!

I like reviewing new people, but it becomes difficult if I don't really enjoy the piece. The last thing I would want to do is discourage you. This poem shows promise, but the repetition and rhymes drove me a bit batty. ;)

8 lines with 16 uses of the word "maybe"... that just kills me. The word "maybe" doesn't sound or look terribly nice to me, so it seems like a strange choice for that much repetition. I like the meaning and the contrasting views you use, but the delivery is so repetitive that reading almost becomes a chore.

I do like the lines that really contrast. "I was wrong or you were wrong" and "you want me more or I want you less", for instance, are truly opposites. The lines are clever.

Some of them are not so contrasting though. "you gave up or stopped caring" and "things wont matter or you turned blue" are both weak in the contrast department. "You gave up" and "you stopped caring" are synonymous... they mean the same thing for the most part, so an either-or statement doesn't really work. "Things wont matter" and "you turned blue"... seriously looks like this is just a forced rhyme. It struck me as strange and pulled me out of the poem.

"Maybe it was that we stopped talking or maybe it was the lack of sharing" This line disturbs the flow of the poem because it is so long, and the "it was that" is awkward. I would suggest cutting out the "it was that" and "it was the" for two reasons. First, the line would be shorter and would flow better with the rest of the poem. Second, the final line would have far more impact if the line directly above it did not use "it was/it was".

Overall, I'm not a big fan of this piece, but I do think you show promise as a writer. The ideas expressed are good at times, but the format didn't pull me into the poem. I do believe that the poem could be very good with some tweaking and editing. If you decide to make revisions, I would be happy to give the poem another read.

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Review of Forever Love  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! :)

This is a sweet little poem. I really like the sentiment, and the wording is quite pretty in places. There are some things that I would work on, and I understand if my suggestions are not to your taste or part of your style. I just want to give you some honest feedback.

The focus on me/my was very distracting for me. My eyes, blows past me, my hair, my face, my ear, my heart, give me, my heart, my eye, cradling me. That is a whole lot of mememe mymymy for such a short poem. It pulled me out of the poem and generally drove me a bit nuts. ;)

A few other notes:

"I ask thee wind my question so it has an answer." You ask a question SO it has an answer? Or you ask a question BECAUSE it has an answer? Or maybe you ask hoping it has an answer? The use of 'so' seems very strange to me. Why would your asking the question have any effect on whether or not the wind has the answer?

The use of "thee" seems strange while simultaneously using "you". "I give thee my heart but do you give me yours?" Wouldn't it be 'I give thee my heart but do thou give me thine?' It just looks and sounds odd without any other old-fashioned wording in the poem.

That said, I do really like the second to last line... some really great words in there, and it flows nicely into the final line. Again, it is a nice sentiment.

Overall, I think this is a sweet poem, but I can't say that I really enjoyed reading it. Perhaps it is just not for me, as some poems simply are not a style I connect with. I do hope that you find something useful in this review though, even if you choose not to change anything. If you do decide to revise, I would be happy to give it another read. :)

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Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (1.5)
Welcome to WDC! I hope you get lots of helpful critiques that help you grow as a writer! :)

Now on to the review. I do not want to discourage you, but this piece is a bit messy. The lack of caps and punctuation are problematic when reading the story, but that is not what I mean by "messy". The ideas are good (the candy hidden in the fruit bowl, for instance), but the manner in which the details are expressed is a bit on the sloppy side. For instance:

The detail of the first letters of the note spelling out "Help" is nice, but the detail is not needed. The "I'm not safe, rescue me" bit obviously means "Help me!", so the 'had elly lay pie' is rather unneeded. Basically, the bulk of the note was not jibberish-- it made sense without the decoding the bit on the back side. This is just one example of the good ideas hindered by the messiness. It can be fixed though. Also, I had to read this section about 10 times before I could make heads or tails of what you were talking about. Take a look at this:

"we flipped the note over it had words but they didn't make sense had elly lay pie Haley looked at me " it's so simple she said grinning. i was so confused." The lack of punctuation confused the heck out of me. I thought that 'had elly ate pie' was just a typo or something.

The chip crumbs missing from the floor is another interesting details that is lacking some support. Why are there normally chip crumbs on the ground? Kinda weird without some detail. For instance, 'There was no evidence that my father had returned from work, as there were no chip crumbs on the floor around the couch' would give the reader some idea as to why they would be there in the first place.

The story also seems very rushed to me. Take a moment to paint the scene. She walks in, muses for a second about the fruit bowl, and then the story leaps headfirst into panic. If everything seems normal for a little while before she finds the note, it will add some suspense. Maybe the main character has to wait in nervous anticipation for her friend to arrive, rather than calling her and having Haley instantly appear. These pauses in the action also would allow you to characterize Ella. Right now, she has no character. Is she nice? Is she a trouble maker? Is her home life pleasant or miserable? We don't know.

Another small note: The note is signed "Janet Finney," but you had not mentioned the mother's name. We can assume it is her, but it may be best to mention who the character is.

Overall, I think that the writing needs serious work, and this piece definitely needs a thorough edit. This could be the beginning of a suspenseful, interesting story, but it is not there yet. As I said, I do not want to discourage you! Writing is a wonderful thing. Without constructive information though, none of us can improve our writing. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to give it another read.

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Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (1.0)
I am all for giving people more opportunities to publish their work, but surely you could find a better place to advertise than this. Put it in your bio or something? In my opinion, the advertisement should have been creative or provided more information if you wanted to add it as an item to be read and reviewed.

If you intend to add more publication deadlines for the future, I would suggest a blog here on WDC for those who are interested. Adding some documents that give tips on improving one's chances of publication would be a much better use of the Static Item format.
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Review by Cinn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! :)

I really dig the dark imagery in this story. The tone and voice is nice, and the the flair in the dialogue made me smile. I did find it a bit confusing at times. I presumed from the first line that someone would get tortured and/or killed, particularly as he was lying on a cold table dying. My first thought was definitely serial killer-- my mind works that way. The "our hearts beat... pumping blood as one" bit didn't make much sense to me at first, and still doesn't really work for me. At the end, the guy has a gnarly blade about to cut the "victim" up... so why is his heart going to keep beating? If it is a metaphor for being connected to the victim, it's an odd choice. The use of "gradually" made me think of a slowing of heart beats as well, but I imagine someone about to get sliced up (and the one doing the slicing as well) would have rapid heart beats... it added to my confusion. I had to read the first lines a few times to understand it at all.

All the mention of starving and hunger had me thinking 'vampire' by the end of the second paragraph. Just thought I'd mention it.

The entire time, I was hoping to hear what the "victim" actually did. I was slightly disappointed that the story ended without my knowing why, but I don't think it detracts from the story. I do think that it would be amusing if the "victim" had slighted the "killer" in some minor way. First, that's funny in and of itself. Second, the "killer" would be the one relaying it, so it would be described as a horrible thing. I love stuff like that, but I don't think it's needed in your story.

This piece could really use some editing too. Some polish would be good to catch grammar issues and minor slips. For instance, "There he lay on the icy steel table where so many [had] departed before." and "He broke out [in] a cold sweat". Just minor stuff like that.

Overall, I like the story. The imagery and word choice are particularly fun. I do love dark types of stories.

If you make any changes, I'd be happy to give it another read! :)

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Review of A moment in time  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (2.5)
First, welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy it! :)

For a first short story, this is pretty good. It is a nice piece of introspection, though in the end, I wasn't terribly moved by it. To be honest, I was expecting this to be the story of a superficial summer romance or something of that nature. The focus is primarily on his looks-- which doesn't make me think of 'true love' or anything like that. There was a casual mention of 'talking for a while' and that he makes her laugh. Then talking all night long about personal things, which is the type of "get to know you" session that is satisfying but short-lived.

I genuinely thought the end was going to be a laugh-it-off moment where the girl thinks about how silly it was or that she would get sad about it being a brief burst of love and then over-- that the memory will remain or something. Still some introspective sentiment, but not "in that second, he stole my heart forever". It's just slightly... well... cheesy.

Something a bit more specific about what happened in the past few days might make the story more interesting. Right now, it is sort of general... he looks good, he lights up a room, we talked, it was amazing when we kissed... very basic. What did he say to make her laugh? Is there an anecdote there? What does he actually look like? Is there a specific moment when you made him laugh and he lit up the room? If the reader experiences it with her, the story will have more impact than just telling them about it. Give them something to connect with.

Overall, I think the story is cute but unsatisfying. Some editing for grammar/awkward wording and some more specific information may help, but it is a good start. If you make any changes, I would be happy to read it again and change my rating. :)

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Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! Looks like you've settled in nicely already. Very good to see! :)

The title of this poem caught my attention. I'm a major coffee lover-- in fact, I co-owned and managed a coffee house. Anything coffee will get me every time. I was pleasantly surprised that you only used the word "coffee" once. "Coffee season" doesn't bring much to mind for me though, and I had to think about it quite a bit for the phrase to conjure up anything for me. Not usually a good sign. What I've got: the time when your relationship was new (i.e. like morning coffee) or autumn (always the best coffee sales here are in the fall). I have no idea which, if either, of these are what you had in mind.

The second stanza is probably my favorite. I like the double meaning... it could be about either the other person or the coffee itself. Thumbs up for that.

In the third stanza, I think I would try to find another word to use rather than repeat the "sip" action. "Savoring" or something? This poem is so concise that the repetition just about slapped me in the face. It totally pulled me out of the poem. I'm a bit anal about that sort of thing. ;)

I think that your focus on the warmth and taking your time is stellar, and I like the contrast with the final lines. I also appreciate the abruptness of the stanza itself, as it is talking about a fast action. I do think that the quick ending would be more effective if the second stanza was drawn out a bit more though. Long and slow, long and slow, quick-- seems like an ideal flow for this poem. That said, the ending not entirely work for me. The way it is written seems to force the metaphor too much I think. For the life of me, I cannot think of a "fix" that would make it sound better to me while keeping the "hot" and the rapid flow, but I thought I would mention it.

Overall, I think you did a nice job with the poem. It is short, flows well, tells a complete story, and I enjoyed it for the most part. If you decide to make any changes, let me know. I'd be happy to read it again.

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Review of Some Beginnings  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! If you want advice on what to write next, I'd say you stumbled upon a good place to ask. ;)

The fantasy story could be interesting, but it isn't a genre that tends to draw me in. Additionally, the premise is interesting, but it is a bit on the dull side for the actual beginning of a story. If you choose to write that one, I would consider starting the story with some kind of action, keeping in mind what you already wrote and possibly working it in after you write something to suck readers into the story.

You nailed the tone for the Teen Fiction story. It reads like countless YA books I loved as a kid... R.L. Stein or Christopher Pike. It's a cute idea too... the best friend who is a perfect angel, but Amy knows better. It could be interesting, and I think you have a flair for writing in that teen style.

The Adult Fiction story is the best written and most interesting for me. Lines like "sleep began to close its fluffy fingers around my mind" and "the insults and denigrations that floated through to my room like charred paper freed from a bonfire" are just very well done (I'd remove the "to" in the last line though). I can envision a rather dark story unfolding, and of the four, this is the one I would be most likely to continue. It is a very strong start (but for the first line, which is a tad weak for an opener-- "it happened again!").

The Romance opener interested me the least. I'm not a fan of romance at all, so I am not the best judge of it. Is the goal to have the shy guy hook up with the loud woman on the bus, or is that just introducing the main character? I didn't get a good grasp of what the story might be like from what you have so far.

I hope this helps give you a bit of direction! ;) If you add to or finish any of these, I'd be happy to give them a read. Just shoot me an email.

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Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (2.5)
First, welcome to WDC! :)

Second, time for a review! I'm sure others have mentioned this, but the caps lock is a killer. It's hard to read-- especially because it dwarfs the punctuation and makes the entire piece look like a large run-on sentence. That said, I wont harp on it.

You have some nice line in here. The phone call from reality is a particularly nice bit. "You're going home to your truth" is another nice example. The repetition of "This love" seems odd to me at times. Sometimes it sounds nicer than other times, but in general, I'm not a big fan of the breaks it creates. The lines in the beginning would sound much nicer without those "this love" lines.

I do think that the 'this love' lines could be worked in a bit better. Good usage: The first line ends with 'I long to inhale' and then comes the line 'this love'. That is clever, as it could mean both 'oxygen I long to inhale' and 'I long to inhale... this love'. Similarly, the line that ends with "wrong time" and then goes into "this live" makes sense... this love is at the wrong time. It means something.
Not-so-good usage: Compare that to "Dimly lit rim. This love". It doesn't work well... it isn't terribly clever.

Additionally, I think that the last line would be more powerful (and have that flowing meaning I mentioned a moment ago) if you dropped the "that I'm left holding onto". First, those five little words are awkward sounding. Second, look what happens without them. "while I embrace a lie. This love of my own!" Now the 'This love' line has a connection to the line before it that seems more powerful to me. Sure, you could be left holding onto this love of your own... but I think that the message is more bitter but richer to acknowledge the love as a lie. The person (you or whoever) is aware of the situation-- "I get it. I have for quite some time". She would also "get" that this relationship is a lie, and she may even wish that she didn't feel it. Clinging to a pillow, convincing herself it is all a lie.

Anyway, I do think that the poem is a good start with much room for improvement. There is a nice framework here, and I think you could end up with a poem that has depth and a strong story line. If you decide to make some changes, let me know! I would be happy to read it again. :)

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Review of Bully  
Review by Cinn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First, welcome to WDC! I hope the critiques that you get here will be helpful. :)

Now, the review! You have lovely word choice throughout... I quite like most of it. For instance, "Etching into the soft walls". I love that the voice etches itself into the soft walls of your mind. Amazing imagery, and a very solid line in general.

Lots of individual lines have a bigger impact on me than the overall poem, but nothing a little editing couldn't fix. I tend to be most moved by simplified lines that have as little padding as possible. Those little words... "the" "a" "my" etc can really weigh down a poem to my ears. Here is an example or two:

"The words slip through clenched teeth and pour out of quivering lips" First, I'd drop the "the" at the beginning of the line. Second, I would change "out of", a double preposition that sounds and looks bulky, to "from". Final line: "Words slip through clenched teeth and pour from quivering lips". Even better, "Words slip through clenched teeth, pouring from quivering lips"-- every small, unimportant word has vanished, and the result is a much more powerful line in my opinion. Subtle changes like this throughout... tightening... could do wonders.

"Each word slipping by the filter connecting the brain to the mouth" I think a simple "connecting brain to mouth" is more concise and flows nicer here.

Another example: "The thick lock having been shattered by my strong words" I would do a similar cut to this one. "Thick lock shattered by my strong words" would be enough to get your point across, and it would be far less wordy and awkward than the "having been shattered" bit. Again, dropping the "The" from the beginning is just a preference of mine. ;)

Some basic line tightening of this nature could really take the poem to the next level I think. There are some weaker bits here and there too.

"I’ve kept quiet,
Kept to myself,
But this is the last moment that your slime slips into my ears,"

The moment when someone decides that enough is enough-- usually a powerful moment. This falls flat though. The repetitiveness threw me off a bit. I wasn't expecting simple, short lines that say essentially the same thing. It's very conversational compared to the rest of the poem. The "but this is the last moment that" part of the last line is awkward as well. It doesn't flow very smoothly to me ear. I strongly would consider removing the entire stanza or rewriting it from scratch.

"Etched onto the walls are the words you always called me" Oh I love that you reused the etched walls! Brilliant... love it! I think that reversing the line so that the etched walls are the last thing mentioned would make it even better though. Something as simple as "words you called me etched onto the walls" would be stunning there I think. Something about "words you called me" seems weird to me in general though. Like, you call someone a name not a word. You use words to "describe" someone. Personally, I like "your description of me etched onto the walls", but I think 'description' is a cool word. ;) Anyway, feel free to ignore this suggestion completely. I just thought I'd throw some ideas at you.

Overall, you have some stunning lines in here! My guess is that you know what the piece's strengths are (otherwise, why would you have chosen arguably the best line in the poem for the final line?), but it could still use some work in places. If you make any changes, I would love to give it another read! :)

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Review by Cinn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
hehehe... Pretty fun, man! Having read some of your other work, I was expecting this story to get gruesome, but it actually has more of a Tales from the Darkside sort of vibe to it. I think the ending could have been a bit more ominous sounding somehow, but I do like what you did with it. My first thought was that if there was some kind of accent or dialect (even a simple removal of the G's at the end of "ing" words) during all the messages and the last was "proper", it may have more punch. I doubt you intend to edit a contest entry anyway, but it would be interesting to see what small tweaks could do for the impact of the final message.

Personally, I love the style you used with the "Beep." from the answering machine becoming something of a narrator. Clever! I think that for the most part you used a believable conversational style for the spouse leaving the messages too. The messages did seem a little bit repetitive at times though.

Anyway, it isn't my favorite of yours, but it was definitely worth a read. :)


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Review of love zone  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (2.0)
First, welcome to WDC! :) If you have any questions, feel free to ask... Happy to help!

Now, I assume that this story is an incomplete rough draft.. right? It desperately needs editing for missing commas, incorrect verb tenses, run on sentences, and so forth. I wont harp on the grammar here though, and I will rate it as a rough draft as well.

You use the word "Erica" quite often here, which is good because there is none of the confusion that can come from using "she" all the time, but I think that the writing would be more interesting if you varied the "Erica"s a bit. For instance, instead of saying "Erica was a shy, tall, beautiful girl looking for love[...] Erica began her profile", you could say "Erica was a tall and beautiful girl looking for love[...] The shy girl began her profile". All the description is still there, but one less "Erica" makes it sound less repetitive. Just an example.

Overall, I think this is an alright start, but the style is very straightforward and didn't really grab my interest. When you revise, you may want to think about how to really hook the reader and make them want to read more.

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