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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I've been making an effort to review more contests, blogs, forums, groups, and that sort of thing. I never think to do it, but it's a nice gesture. Since I just entered your contest, yet again, I thought I should leave you a little note.

As you are well aware, this is the only contest that I ever enter, except on the rarest of occasions. I LOVE that there is no prompt and that the entries do not need to be newly written for the contest. I find both of those conditions stifling to my creativity.

Similarly, I appreciate that the contest is free verse only. I write free verse primarily, and it has seemed on many occasions that free verse rarely wins contests against form poetry-- even if the free verse is excellent and the form poetry is mediocre. I've seen it too many times to count. Your contest gives all of us free verse lovers a place to enter our work, knowing that it will be judged on its own merits.

In short, I love your contest. If I could change just one thing it would be to add a word count limit instead of a line count, as some free verse has frequent line breaks and could easily creep over a 40 line count without being any "longer" really than other poems. This happens to me frequently because of my line break style. That isn't really a complaint... just a preference of mine. *Laugh*


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427
427
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

You have some amazing details in this piece, which made the piece a pretty pleasant read.

The introduction set the tone pretty well, though I was half expecting horror. It sounded like a classic horror movie introduction.

Midas is a strong character. At times, I felt bad for him-- feeling anything for a character is a good thing. I also think that lots of people could relate to his predicament. Growing old... no one to love... replaying memories of those "better times".

I do think that this piece has a super creepy tone. I'm not afraid of clowns or anything like that, so it comes solely from your descriptions. It isn't sad or melancholy-- it's creepy. I love creepy vibes, but nothing happened in the end to make that creepiness gel. It was sort of strange for me, reading an ending that was not very creepy in a story that was very creepy. Odd, but I enjoyed the tone.

Observations & Suggestions:

I think that it is a bit odd that the story begins and ends with the little musical clown... it is as though this is HIS story, not Midas' story. However, the majority is indeed about Midas. I have no suggestions for a change here. I just thought it was an interesting choice. I understand that it is a symbol of Midas' hope, but it is always slightly odd when someone's story does not begin or end with them. Worth mentioning anyway.

I like writing with flair, but you have so much flair at times that it becomes a bit of a chore to read. Something like this, for instance:

It so became that the pale-faced clown, almost 30 years later, found itself perched

The "It so became" just read like a typo to me at first. It halted me completely. Additionally, this late in the story, it slows the pace. I just think it's ineffective not only because of the awkwardness of the wording but its placement within the story. Why not just say, "Almost 30 years later" in the beginning so that people know you're making a leap forward in time?

"Almost 30 years later, the pale-faced clown found itself perched"... that is much more poignant in my opinion. It is also one less distracting bit of flair. Basically, I think that you should try to do this throughout the story: pick and choose your moments. Consider if the over-the-top phrasing works in your favor or against you in different areas of the story. It would help readability. Sometimes less is more.

Why not go all out and cut "found itself" as well? It isn't needed at all. The clown perched. It didn't "find itself". That is the type of extra wording that I will talk about next. "Almost 30 years later, the pale-faced clown perched" is even more effective. Just as importantly, it is easier to read! People wont bother reading a story in its entirety if it becomes a chore. That said:

Something else to watch for when revising is general conciseness. Sometimes, the tediousness isn't the flair so much as the verbosity of your writing-- phrasing that adds nothing to the story but extra words. I'm a very concise writer myself, so I glanced through and quickly spotted a few examples for you:

As he paced around restlessly in the small room, he came to a collision with a box of papers

"As he paced restlessly around the small room, he collided with a box of papers"

This rewrite means exactly the same thing but is less tedious to read because:

1. It cuts an unneeded "in".

2. It correctly places "restlessly". To be grammatically correct and prevent confusion, the adverb 'restlessly' must be placed beside the verb 'paced' because that is the word it is modifying.

3. It cuts the unnecessary "came to a".

This type of tightening could help throughout. The "in" and "came to a" are not super important, and they are not needed for meaning. That means they're just bogging the story down. A few more examples:

face-painted circus people whose looks, in other circumstances, would cause them to be sent straight to the mental ward

That "would cause them to be sent" would be so much more concise as "would send them"

"face-painted circus people whose looks, in other circumstances, would send them straight to the mental ward" Again, it means the same thing and cuts 3 words.

She was reaching out towards him, pointing at the tiny clown held in his arms.

"She reached toward him, pointing at the..." cuts a "was" and a double preposition, which is generally a bad idea as far as clarity goes. "out toward" is awkward. I cut the "he" also... because he would hold the clown in someone else's arms, would he? It was unneeded for the meaning of the sentence. This type of editing could help this story soooo much! If you only take one piece of advice from this review: practice concise writing. It will be immensely helpful in everything you write.

A few misc things:

Hey Midas, you didn't get to sell a single one today! If you're going to keep this up..." - Missing the opening " here.

The "You... You want to?" paragraph has a few too many pronouns for me. It got a bit tedious with all of the "she"s and "her"s and "he"s. I might consider replacing some with synonyms.

At present, whenever old Midas looked into the old clown's blue eyes[,] he no longer saw the black and white - Missing comma. A quick revision for grammar and punctuation would be a good idea.

It is in that box that the clown waits, humming the same old tune - At this point in the intro, I thought that the repetition was a bit too much. I was with you until this point. Watching and waiting. Watching and waiting. For years it stayed there. It is in that box that the clown waits. -- See what I mean here? At first, it was sort of creepy-cool. This was the moment when it dove into the "cheesy" category. I'd consider revising the line a little bit, as the content is good.

Overall, I think this is a pretty good piece. I was interested enough to read the entire thing, though there were times when the writing seemed bogged down and I nearly quit. The ending was a bit happy for the tone, but a surprise ending is a joy for lots of people. *Smile* I really think that the piece could use a thorough revision just to eliminate overly wordy areas-- those that could be written in a shorter way without losing an ounce of meaning. Still, I think that you have talent and a natural way with words. Purposefully writing in a concise way and carefully choosing your moments of grand wording will really improve the overall experience for readers. Thanks for sharing! *Smile*

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428
428
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello! I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I thought that you might like some feedback on your piece. Keep in mind that we have many entries, and even an excellent poem may not seal the contest for you. Conversely, an imperfect poem may just win! It depends on how all of the entries stack up against each other.

Some things I Like:

I like the narrative here. It is a pretty unique idea, and I think that you unfolded the story in a smooth fashion.

You have some nice word choice here and there, and although the piece has a conversational type of tone, there are enough quirky word choices to keep the piece from becoming boring.

The rhymes don't seem terribly forced for the most part, which is a definite plus, and most of the lines do add to the story-- they do not seem to be unneeded strings of words with a rhyme at the end. I think that it would be quite easy to fall into that trap with a poem like this, but you held it together nicely.

The first and last lines are pretty cute together. The piece comes full circle. It works well.

Observations & Suggestions:

I rarely comment on titles, but I actually think that the title of the poem doesn't really do it justice. The title is a bit on the bland side, while the content of the piece is actually pretty interesting.

The opening line was interesting enough for me to keep reading (had I not had to read all of the entries, of course), and it sets the scene and tone for the poem. That said, it didn't really "hook" me. The following line may have been the one that lost my interest because it isn't terribly unique (common, everyday words with a normal everyday meaning)... without a really strong hook in the first line, you might have lost me right there. Rather than mess with the first line, as it relates so strongly to the last, I might consider making the second line stronger.

The "Slush and flush, her skin was glowing" doesn't make tons of sense to me. "Flush" skin... I can envision that. "Slush" skin though? Slush is textural, so I think it is a very strange choice. "Slush" skin in my mind looks sort of zombie-like... uneven, gray, sagging. I assume you meant it more as the color of slush, but that is not the image it brings to mind at all.

"Her excitement though kept on growing" is a slightly awkward line to say. The "though" doesn't make tons of sense in context. Her skin was glowing, but her excitement kept growing... that is essentially what these lines say. Wouldn't it make more sense to use "and" instead of "though"? "and her excitement kept on growing"? I'm not a fan of beginning lines with "and", but you already have once in this piece, and it would make a bit more sense.

"Smiled a smile and felt a feel" is the one line in this poem that I really dislike. First, she already "smiled a smile" once in this piece, a phrase that I'm not super wild about. Doing it again and then having her "felt a feel" too? I sort of hate "felt a feel". There is something very juvenile about the phrase. I can hear a very young child saying that... a toddler. I would strongly recommend revising that line.

Overall, I think this is a cute poem with some nice elements. I think that a wee bit of editing could take it from "okay" to really good. It is somewhat lacking in emotion-- as sweet and cute as it is, it didn't make me feel anything. If possible, infusing this piece with joy or contentment or some kind of emotion might serve it well. It would be difficult but worthwhile. Regardless, I enjoyed reading this piece and think it is a good entry. Good luck in the contest, and I hope to see future entries from you. *Smile*

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429
429
Review of Train Dreaming  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I thought that you might like some feedback on your piece. Keep in mind that we have many entries, and even an excellent poem may not seal the contest for you. Conversely, an imperfect poem may just win! It depends on how all of the entries stack up against each other. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

Wow! The opening stanza is beautifully worded and engaging from the very first line. A very strong opener. I love a good hook, and you absolutely nailed it.

Your word choice throughout the piece is fantastic. Even the few places that, on first read, didn't seem terribly strong to me seemed to melt into perfection on my second read through. Honestly, I can't fault the vast majority of your individual lines, phrasing, stanzas, line breaks... This is just a really well-crafted free verse piece. I'm impressed.

I had to read this piece quite a few times, as I kept getting swept up in the wording and forgetting to analyze anything at all. *Laugh* I appreciate the flow of images here. They really do imitate the motion of a train. There are smooth moments of quiet contemplation interrupted here and there with action-- scotch, more scotch, a question. It creates a really nice movement throughout the piece.

There are far too many individually brilliant lines and moments in this piece for me to choose any favorites. Every time I start to write a specific "that is awesome!", I think, "Yeah, but this was amazing too." I just can't go through every line and stanza here or this review will be a novel. We can talk about it later if you want... just email me.

Observations & Suggestions:

Now, here are the minor things that I thought might be tweaked:

1. "What a mess" seemed like a strangely weak line on the first read through. I actually really like the rhythm it creates now that I've read the piece a few times and think that the meaning is perfectly clear. In short, I wouldn't change it. However, I thought that I would mention that I found it odd on the first read because it is in the first stanza. I tend to mention anything that throws me off, however briefly.

2. "The carriage door opens
they tromp in
oblivious of me"

For some reason, my mind kept trying to change "oblivious of me" to "oblivious to me". It seems like both prepositions make perfect sense. I would write it as "to", but "of" works. Again, I just thought I'd mention anything that made me stumble. Gorgeous stanza, by the way.

Every other wording change or "why did he do that?" question in my mind has been settled for me. So, it's not much, but that's about all the feedback I have for you.

I tend to wrap up my reviews with an "overall" impression, so here we go...

Overall, I love it. The end. Good luck in the contest, love! I will definitely be reading some more of your work. *Smile*

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430
430
Review of Who Is The Master  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello! I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item" . I thought that you might like some feedback on your piece. Keep in mind that we have many entries, and even an excellent poem may not seal the contest for you. Conversely, an imperfect poem may just win! It depends on how all of the entries stack up against each other. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I think that the basic concept here is really cute and clever. I assumed, as most readers probably will, that this piece was about a couple. I was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be misdirection. *Thumbsup*

Upon second and third readings, knowing the true narrator changes the perspective quite a bit. In general, the poem makes more sense on the second read.

Observations & Suggestions:

Unfortunately, this confusion on the first read, particularly in the first stanza, could prevent someone from reading until you let us in on the secret. *Wink* "all I have to do is stare" seemed particularly strange when I first read it. I thought that maybe it was misworded somehow, or that the next line should tell me "to accomplish _____". No what I mean? Knowing that it is a cat, suddenly the line makes sense. However, it should make sense without knowing who the narrator is-- this is the hook. If it doesn't make much sense, people wont keep reading.

"ignoring me, he tries and tries / but how can he not be aware" The twisted "ignoring me" line made these lines somewhat nonsensical to me. I had to reread them a few times before they made sense to me. I read it as "Ignoring me, he tries and tries... to do something" That, "to do something" never happens. To some degree, proper punctuation would help prepare the reader here as well as throughout the poem. Without punctuation, it takes far longer to read because people don't know when your thoughts end and a new thought begins.

You have some odd wording in here... the "loving eyes so glassy" seemed strange, for instance. It is one of the more visual elements in the poem, but I think of "glassy" as dead, either literally or emotionally. "Glassy eyed" might describe someone on drugs, a sociopath, someone who has been through a trauma, etc. Perhaps this is just me, but I imagine others might have the same reaction.

This word choice, like many of the other strange choices, are parts of the rhyme scheme. That indicates to me that perhaps it truly was not the best choice, but you were forced to make the rhyme. Not ideal.

There are also full stanzas without any interesting word choices. The first stanza, for instance, is full of common, every day words. "Eyes, wide, stare, ignoring, aware"... are the only words that could be considered interesting, and they are so common that they don't really generate any intrigue. This happens frequently. I might try to add some imagery to the piece, as it usually requires interesting words.

Another example: "I think he knows I love him really". There is not a single interesting word choice in this line-- it sounds like you could be talking on the phone with someone. Therefore, the entire line could be stronger with stronger word choice.

The poem picks up pace when you really start talking about the cat. Suddenly, you begin using interesting words: Venus, crafty, nuzzle, purr, shame, glassy, etc. Whether used well or not, these are the types of words that make a reader feel something.

Overall, I think that this poem needs some work. However, the poem could be quite good with a little bit of attention. Punctuation would be very helpful. Strengthened, purposeful, word choice throughout would be a vast improvement, especially if you really make the first stanza shine. Try to hook the reader from the very first line, and make sure that everything makes sense without knowing that the narrator is a cat. I also might consider reading through the poem for those ending words that are not the best possible word choice and revising those lines-- better to rewrite and have a strong line than to have a weak line just to fit a rhyme that isn't working for you.

Despite some issues, the poem was pretty enjoyable to read! Thank you so much for entering, and good luck in the contest! *Smile*


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431
431
Review of I am a Writer  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

This is a nice piece. You have some great lines throughout, the flow is pretty good for the most part, and there is a fair bit of humor as well.

So favorite lines and ideas:

The metaphor created from a branch and a bottle cap... that is just fun!

I love the "And although I don't know how to help you, my friend / my characters give great advice". First, most fiction writers can relate to the sentiment here. Second, it shows quite a bit of vulnerability. Third, it reminds me of a favorite folk writer of mine. *Smile*

The wars, living many lives, losing my virginity over and over... clever and, again, most writers can relate to it.

"ink on my hands and cloth[e]s / and paper stuck in my teeth" is just good writing. It also provides the most vivid imagery in the piece.

"I can gargle graphite / and spit out a figure of speech" This is probably the best written bit in the entire poem. Awesome!

"Hopefully[,] I can write myself into a job" is amusing to me too.

I also quite like the final line. It is a fitting end for a poem like this.

Observations & Suggestions:

If you notice, most of the stuff that I really like is in the first half of the poem. I think it begins to falter at about the halfway mark. "Sorry mom and dad" is where it begins to go downhill for me. That line throws off the flow a bit, and although I think the next lines are fun, they don't seem as strong to me.

There are many places where the writing could be tightened up for better flow and easier reading. A few examples:

"Off of love or course!" First, I'm sure this is supposed to be "of course". So... we have Off, of, of. Not ideal. It's hard to say and longer than needed for the meaning.

'I write best when I'm drunk' "on love, of course!" Means the same thing with none of the awkwardness.

"But my pencil almost never goes down" is another long, awkward to say, line. I would consider shortening it a bit. For instance, "goes down" means the same as "falls" really.

There are small words here and there that don't add much to the lines that could be edited out too.

"I have fought so many" "lived so many" "falling so deep"... I think that these lines would be much more powerful without the "so"s, an to be honest, by the time I finished reading the second of them, the repetition began to bore me. I'm very sensitive to repetition, especially the kind that adds nothing to a piece.

A few other oddities:

"A keyboard monkey / I can gargle graphite" Is the best placement for "keyboard monkey" immediately before talking about writing in pencil? I thought it was a bit strange.

The random repetitions of "I am a writer" didn't add anything to the poem for me. The ones after the virginity line, the moon line, and the 'no time to shop' line were particularly pointless in my eyes. They didn't add to the flow. They didn't add clarity. They just didn't do anything for me except for make me really sick of hearing it by the last two lines. I would probably cut as many of them as I felt comfortable removing, but again, I dislike repetition unless it is super effective.

The piece could use a thorough edit. The random commas without any other proper punctuation seemed odd. This is in complete sentences for the most part, so why not punctuate them? It would make reading the piece much easier.

Overall, I think this is a fun piece with some excellent writing, padded out with some overly wordy lines and a few instances of humor that falls a little short of being funny or clever. Still, I think it is a good poem. I'd recommend, if nothing else, revising for grammar and trying to de-clutter some lines. Sometimes simple and too the point is best. Again, welcome to WDC, and I hope to stumble across your work again! *Smile*


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432
432
Review of No title... yet.  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here and that the feedback you get helps you improve. We all have to start somewhere.

Some things I Like:

You have some great details packed into this piece of the story. We get a pretty good idea of what Videla is like just from the details you provided about her life: letting calls go to voicemail, having trouble waking up, wearing a favorite band shirt, being kind to her pet. It's good.

There are some interesting story ideas in here too: the military craft, guns, going to work at a late hour, the unknown drunk guy. It could turn into something fun.

Observations & Suggestions:

The first thing that jumped out at me here is that you begin tons of sentences with "she". It gives the story a boring sort of tone. "She did this. "She did that." She walked. She shook. She slapped. She rubbed. She kissed. She sighed. There are sooo many of these. I would strongly recommend varying your sentence structure a bit so that it will be a bit less repetitive sounding. Using her name here and there would make sense and help a bit.

The next thing that really stuck out is the constant switching of tenses. It jumps back and forth between present and past tense constantly, sometimes within a single sentence. A few examples:

"she said softly petting her hundred twenty-five pound pit bull as he nuzzles her hand"

The "said" is past tense, and "nuzzles" is present tense. So she spoke in the past but he nuzzles her right now.

"She rubbed her eyes clearing the junk out of them and looks down at the dog"

The "rubbed" is past tense, and "looks" is present tense. These are just a couple that happen within the same sentence, but there are plenty of sentences that switch back and forth from one to the next. Most of the story is in past tense, so I would recommend revising it so that everything is in past tense. You seem to be most comfortable with it.

I could help but notice that she went to her car, got her the voicemail from her boss (I liked that detail, by the way), and then suddenly was back inside getting ready to leave. I was totally confused by that. Also, you described her car, but then she jumps on a motorcycle to head to work. I thought that was a little bit odd as well. I would maybe mention that, in her garage, she had a car, motorcycle, etc. It also makes sense for her to go to her car if she just wants to grab something and then going back inside for her gun and jacket, but the reader needs to know about it. *Smile*

Now, I want to make sure that I'm not mistaken here: Bud is the dog, right? I only ask because she leaned down, kissed him goodbye, and then a hand landed on her shoulder. That made me think, "Oh, was Bud a dude?" *Laugh* I went back to reread and found that I was right (at least, pretty positive) that Bud is the dog. Easy solution to prevent anyone else from having that moment of temporary confusion: Give the drunk dude a name!

While you're at it, give her boss a name. You're talking about 3 different "He"s in this piece... the dog, the boss, and the drunk guy. Giving them all names will help people differentiate when you switch from one to the other.

Overall, I think that the story shows promise, but it isn't there yet. I'm not sure where you should take it though. It needs a thorough edit for both grammar and clarity. The details are pretty fun though! Keep working on it. I think it's worth some more effort. *Thumbsup*

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433
433
Review of Worthless Angel  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay! A quickie review just for you, love! *Wink*

Some things I Like:

You have some lovely phrasing in this piece, and the subject matter is not only appropriate for the holiday but likely to pull the heart strings any time of year.

The first stanza is a great opener. Really strong and lovely worded. The flow is perfect as well. I do love a really strong beginning.

I like the progression of the piece. In general, I like what you're saying as well. Serving a greater purpose as a symbol than as a lone soldier fighting in a war... that is a particularly poignant thought.

Observations & Suggestions:

"With no history and no name?" seems about a beat too long for the flow. I might consider "hist'ry" to cut a syllable or perhaps "With no history, no name?" I prefer the first suggestion, but regardless, a minor tweak here might be good.

"My bravery go unnoticed"... bravery is singular. Shouldn't it be "bravery goes"? The next line is slightly awkward to read as well. I stumbled over "sacrifices" each time I read it aloud (gave it 3 reads before reviewing). No suggestion for a fix though-- I like what it says and couldn't venture a rewrite for it.

"And I fought many battles
that ended my earthly strife"

I like these lines, but somehow the transition between the two before it is not very smooth. They are related, but the "and" doesn't seem sufficient. To me, it seems like the two statements should be reversed:

I fought in many battles,
ending my earthly strife.
Now I serve a better...

See what I mean? For flow and clarity, the lines would need tweaking if they were reversed, but I think that the relationship would be stronger and seem less random. As it is now, I had to read the lines a few times on my first time through because they didn't seem to connect.

The "so many who've gone before" seemed out of place to me too. Punctuation and a slight edit might help. Forgive me for taking liberties with your words here, but it's easier to show you & explain a little bit than to thoroughly explain it all. This is supposed to be a "quickie" after all. *Laugh*

"I am the unknown soldier[.]
For many who've gone before
I represent [the] battles,
their sacrifice in war[.]" ??

Do you get what I'm saying? If you read my rewrite and compare it to what you have, I think that this is clearer. Using "our" makes the "many who've gone before" line seem unnecessary. Make it about THEM... I think your point will come across stronger. That period and changing it to "for" helps immensely I think. The unknown soldier is now a symbol FOR those other soldiers. Also, "so" here could indicate either "therefore" or an indication of quantity-- "soooo many".

The final stanza is actually the weakest for me. It's a shame too, as the other stanzas all had phrasing and meanings that I really like. The worthless angel line is the only one that doesn't seem labored to me.

"and I touch everyone that came" -- First, it should be "who" not "that". Second, this is 5 boring words with one "touch" added for flair. I would try to make that "touch" more active here. The past tense of "came" is slightly odd too, as the poem has been in present tense.

The "not to remember our victories" line doesn't make much sense with the context of the line before it. I touch everyone who comes, not to remember victories? The purpose of touching them is not to remember past victories... I dunno. It just seems muddy and unclear to me. I do love what you're saying with the last two lines, but they seem disconnected from. Something isn't gelling.

The last line is lovely but really really long for the flow. No idea how you might revise it, but I think revision would be good.

Overall, I do really like the poem, but I think it could use some polish. If any of this is unclear, shoot me an email. Also, sorry if anything seemed harsh, rude, or anything of the sort. I enjoy your writing, and I love you to pieces... just too rushed to sugar coat. *Wink* Cheers!

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434
434
Review of The God Race  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

You have some awesome phrasing in here. The imagery is quite good, and I think that the story could be interesting, depending on what happens next. The transition from this talking about the story to actually jumping into the story needs to be really smooth.

I like the title and your use of the title at the end of this introductory paragraph. Very cool. It actually reminded me a bit of Brian Herbert's "The Race for God". Good book, by the way. Anyway, it is an intriguing title and definitely caught my interest.

Observations & Suggestions:

I actually can't help but wonder if this is a story that "begins with an ending" or if you're just previewing the actual end of the novel. If this is the ending from which the story moves on (i.e. it is truly the beginning), that's great. In general, I don't like previews of the end that serve as intros. I just feel that it lessens the need to actually read the novel until the end. Know what I mean? Even with extremely well-written novels, the probability of me reading it until the end drops to almost nil if I have any inkling of how it will end. I just thought I would mention it, as it is an artistic choice that may turn some people off.

The piece needs a thorough edit. There are grammatical errors here and there (semi-colons that should be commas, missing commas, modifier issues, etc). Just as a for instance, the very first line has a grammar issue AND is missing a word:

In every story[,] there must be [an] end, good or bad.

There are also some confusing lines in here. Some are because of grammar problems, and others are just a little awkward.

"This one ends in fire and death, a world destroyed by war and forces that could not be stopped"

First, the phrase: "a world destroyed..." should modify either "death" or "fire and death" here. That is what the structure tells the reader. It does not modify either-- it reads like a random thought stuck on the end of the sentence and could lead to confusion. I had to read it twice before I "got it".

Second, the phrase "a world destroyed by war and forces that could not be stopped" is super long and overly wordy for what it really says. Check this out:

"a world destroyed by war and unstoppable forces"
I cut 4 words and it says exactly the same thing. This type of tightening could really help readability.

One more example of a confusing line:

"Slowly the darkness faded away and the survivors cried and hugged one another overjoyed it was over, but not all had ended so joyously for one."

First, this is a run-on sentence. "Darkness faded." "Survivors cried and hugged." and "All had ended." These are all complete sentences-- three complete sentences can't be put into one sentence. *Wink*

Second, you're missing commas that would really help the reader. "Slowly[,] the darkness faded away[,] and..."

Third, the last sentence is awkward. I might consider "For one, all had not ended joyously." It is far easier to understand. I had to read this a few times to figure out what it meant because the order just didn't make much sense to me.

I hate to harp on the grammar, but it really made this intro difficult to read. A final grammar issue for you (though there are more that I did not mention):

"The race of men had begun as the world disappeared from his sight, the God Race was dead."

This is a run-on sentence too. "Race had begun" and "God Race was"... two subjects and two predicates. This is two sentences stuck together with a comma, which is not one of the ways to combine sentences. *Wink* That said, I think that this is a really awesome set of line to end your intro.

Overall, the introduction desperately needs revision for grammar and clarity. I do like what you have to say here though, and the imagery really shines. I would be interested to know what the "God Race" is all about too. It's a good start. It just needs some polish. *Smile*

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435
435
Review of hold on tight  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* "A sample to see if I like it," huh? Well, I hope that you do like it and decide to stick around.

Some things I Like:

This is a super short "sample". Six short sentences don't provide much to review, but I thought that you might like to see what the review system is like here on WDC.

I think that what you wrote is an interesting start, for what it is. I was hoping to find out if the "ride" was real or metaphorical. It's a shame that you didn't continue it just a little longer.

Observations & Suggestions:

The grammar isn't exactly on-point, but I assume this was a fast piece that you jotted down without editing. You're missing some commas, and "Woohoo" is usually a phrase that would use an exclamation point. I wont harp on the grammar though.

If you continue with this piece, I would strongly recommend varied sentence structure. These lines are about as much as I can take of the short, choppy, simple sentences. For an energetic opener, it works, but if you extend it, that energy would get obnoxious pretty quickly. *Laugh*

I also couldn't help but notice this sequence:

Going for a ride. All our dreams are about to come true. ____________. We did it!

Notice that blank? It's blank because nothing happened between the "about to" and the "we did it". *Wink*

So... this is what reviews that you might receive on WDC will look like. Of course, this is all a bit nitpicky and basic because there isn't much content to review here. If you add to, edit, or delete and create a new story, I would be more than happy to give you a "real" review of your writing. Cheers! *Smile*


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436
436
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I really like the second stanza. It is a lovely sentiment, the rhymes seem very natural, and your word choice is very appropriate and strong. The last phrase made me smile as well. "Comely by design" *Smile*

Composing sonatas and nocturnos in the hopes that your strings will entwine is a very cool idea and expressed quite well.

The "tobacco and perfume" is an interesting, quirky way to begin. I think that I would like it even more if it was either "tobacco perfume" or "tobacco and ____ perfume" or no "perfume" and a description of that particular perfume. The word "perfume" itself does not really tell us what the scent is, if you know what I mean.

Observations & Suggestions:

My eye is always drawn to interesting words at the beginning of lines. I actually prefer strong beginnings to strong endings. This piece doesn't really do that.

For...compose
In...entwine
So...consign
To...design
She...blooded
In...spirit
My...beloved

Just a quick glance at these line beginnings and endings will illustrate my point. There is nothing wrong with this style, but it isn't terribly engaging for me if almost every line begins with a small, boring, and common word. Nothing that you need to change-- just a personal observation.

The first stanza didn't move me or interest me very much. The first line was sort of intriquing, but I thought that the next four were lacking emotion and bored me a little bit. The phrases sound nice, but the aren't very moving somehow. The "in body and spirit" and "my immortal beloved" lines struck me as particularly hollow and cliche. The next stanza is far, far better.

On a side note, "full blooded" is a compound adjective. It needs to be hyphenated.

Overall, I quite like the last 5 lines, and the first line was fairly intriguing. I would definitely revise the other 4 lines so that they are as strong as the others. Basically, I think the piece needs some balance. A good effort though, and with a bit of revision, I think it could be really good as a whole.


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437
437
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I thought that I might as well give you a review too, since I stumbled upon your portfolio. *Wink*

Some things I Like:

The voice is incredibly strong in this piece. I can almost hear the character speaking. In my mind, it is a teenage girl, by the way. I'm not sure if that is what you intended, but that is how it sounds for some reason. Regardless, it is strong and consistent throughout.

You have an interesting style that I think is engaging. Your word choice kept me interested, and the pace is quite fast.

I like some of the imagery that snuck into this piece... particularly 'becoming a machine' in the last paragraph. Quite clear and an interesting way of putting it.

This seems like the beginning of an interesting story.

Observations & Suggestions:

I don't entirely understand what is happening in this prologue or why it is happening. I also thought it was a bit strange that the character would be describing the person chasing her while being chased.

The "how he twisted my lips" line confused me a little. I thought maybe you meant "twisted his lips"?

The use of contractions made the piece feel a little sloppy at times. Maybe I'm old school, but I tend to think that contractions belong only in dialogue.

For me, the most obvious and distracting aspect of this prologue is the constant sentence fragments. For instance:

A tickle. After months of being on the run, of living in the Skille period. An all too familiar pattern followed my leaps. Just a stroke away from freedom.

These are in just to paragraphs, and there are far more scattered throughout this short piece. The first one was very effective, but overuse tends to get boring. Also, it makes the writing have a choppy flow-- all short little sentences or non-sentences. I would highly recommend using fragments sparingly and trying to use more varied sentence structure.

Overall, I think this is an interesting start for a story. It isn't perfect, but it could be very good with some revision. The writing itself also shows real promise. If you decide to make changes, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating as needed. *Smile*


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438
438
Review of Morning Song  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Flower2**Flower4* This review is part of your package for the "Invalid Item"  *Flower4**Flower2*


Some things I Like:

This is such a simple little piece. The sentiment is lovely, the rhymes seems very natural, and it really has a pleasant, uplifting sort of quality to it.

I peeked at this piece because it had no ratings/reviews, and I was surprised that no one had taken the time to do so. It is a sweet little song that seems like it would be fitting and easy to learn for young children or adults.

Observations & Suggestions:

The only thing that I would consider changing is the third line. I think that the "Good morning, Lord!" line would be most effective if used only at the beginning and the end. It would be a very complete pattern then.

Removing this particular line would also give you space to write one more sweet little line in there. Just one more message. Know what I mean?

I don't think that anything really needs to be changed for this piece, but that one line jumped out at me as slightly out of place.

I would love to give you a long, in-depth review for this poem (like I did for the others), but there just isn't much to say for this tiny little song. Regardless, it deserves a rating! I think that it is lovely, and I think that it would go over very well in Sunday School or something similar-- I can hear children singing it each time I read it. Very sweet. *Smile*

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439
439
Review of Sense  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! I'm the poetry judge for "Invalid Item"  and thought that you might like some feedback on your entry.

Some things I Like:

You have some lovely imagery in this piece. First stanza is particularly strong in this regard (and others as well). In general, I think that the first stanza is the strongest. I love strong opening and closing stanzas, and this poem has the former.

The rhythm is quite nice most of the time. There were a few minor stumbles as I read, but only one really threw me out of the poem.

I adore the "coarse indentations of initials". I would cut the "the" and I might consider rephrasing the lines before and after ("aside from.." was a very awkward line the first two times I read the piece, and "underneath" is that one place that threw off the flow so badly that it halted my reading completely every time). Regardless, the idea expressed here is a romantic notion that has a lovely visual element as well as a texture with which anyone can relate. Nicely done.

"...flavored
with glints of
the bush"

This is gorgeous! I really love it. I do adore the word "glints" too, but it seems like a strange choice here. "Glint" is very visual but this is about taste. Wouldn't "hints" make more sense, given than one tastes a "hint" and never tastes a "glint"? I love the phrasing as-is, but for your purposes (relating to the senses), "hints" makes more sense to me.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Smooth and sheer in texture" Personally, I have never thought of "sheer" as a type of texture. It speaks more of the appearance or quality. As such, it makes sense to have it in the "have you ever seen?" stanza. The word "texture" dragged me out of the poem a bit though... first because my mind doesn't connect sheer with texture very readily and second because texture involves a sense other than sight.

"on the short stocky stem that lies beneath". There seems to be a few too many uses of "beneath"/"underneath" in this piece for my taste. I found it distracting after the first one. Additionally, I think that this is a strange way to use "lies beneath". For me, it does not conjur the image of an upright stem. The use of "lies" is what really fails to work in this phrase (and the poem in general). I would probably cut "that lies".

I would literally cut every use of "lies" in this piece. They grated on my nerves. Communication doesn't "lies". It is a weird near-personification that wasn't meant to be one. I very much dislike it. The final line is also very weak compared to all that came before it. "that lies within"... not a single interesting uncommon word? A very boring note to end on, in my opinion.

I'm not a big fan of the questions, by the way. I think that stanzas are suitable to lead the poem where it goes, and the repetitive phrases reminded me of a children's song teaching about the senses or something. It was too predictable to be clever or interesting for me, and the repetitive quality did not help the flow, the meaning, or the overall quality of the piece. If you really want quide posts in this piece, I would strongly consider alleviating the super repetitive phrasing.

"The sweet, sour, savory tang" Love the phrasing of this line, but I thought that "savory" was an odd choice to describe a berry. I had to look back to make sure that was what I was reading about, which dragged me out of the poem for a moment. I adore this and the next 4 lines so much that I am not really recommending a change, but I thought I would mention it.

The weakest part of the poem for me (aside from the last line) is the "listened/heard" stanza. I felt nothing while reading those first four lines (not counting the annoyance at "lies"). I didn't "hear" it. All of your other descriptions had the desired effect-- the reader can see it, feel it, taste it. This reader cannot hear those birds chirping at all. I would expect "rustling" or "whispering" or "clicking" or some other brilliant onomatopoeia in there. I do quite like the next three lines though-- but that is entirely visual.

So... I don't want to bore you forever with endless likes/dislikes/indifferents. I probably could keep going for a long while yet. Overall, I think that this poem shows amazing promise! I think that it could use a bit of editing in general, and I genuinely would (at the very least) remove or drastically rewrite those questions and revise or remove the last line. Still, I really appreciate some of the clever choices you made throughout, and you certainly have a way with words. Good luck in the contest! I'm quite sure that you will do well. *Wink*

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440
440
Review of Wear and Tear  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi! I'm the poetry judge for "Invalid Item" , and I thought that you might like some quick feedback on your piece. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

You stuck pretty well to the constanza form, the phrasing isn't awkward, the rhythm is decent, and the theme and tone are consistent throughout. *Thumbsup*

You worked a fair amount of narrative into the piece. There is a subtle progression from the first stanza to the last.

Observations & Suggestions:

I generally look for really strong opening and closing stanzas. In my opinion, they are important-- they contain the hook and the purpose. The opening stanza could be stronger, and although the last is strong, the fourth is better. So... it seems to be anticlimactic.

The "Now I'm scars" tripped me up. It struck me as a strange thing to say. Not "scarred"... but "scars". Now, I quite like the idea here-- first, "scar" is a great word that holds some punch, second, it offers some imagery (which is sparse in this piece), and third, equating "damaged goods" with being a "scar" is pretty awesome. That said, why are you plural? For the syllable count. Not ideal. I would try to revise so that I could just use "scar". On a side note, I sort of like the idea of saying "I'm a scar"-- a bit of a spin on "I'm a star".

The scars/marks is not a slant-rhyme that works super well, but it is alright. The would/should and cold/old rhymes, while strong, are sort of overused types... much like "true/you/knew/too". The rhymes could be a little better/more interesting.

The repetitive wording gets a bit tedious here and there too. Count up the uses of "I" and "you" in this piece... a bit too often to really mean much after a while. Along the same lines, I think that the conversational phrasing, though consistent, hurts the poem somewhat. Most of the lines sound like someone could be saying them over the phone while waiting for a bus or something. They seem to lack... magic. Look at it this way:

scars, marks, compassionate, tender, dream, melt... these are pretty much the only interesting words in this piece. The only words that are not used every single day in conversation, and some people might argue that some of these are every-day words as well. 6 words... out of how many? Lots more than 6. *Wink*

So... the message is very good (and I particularly like that 4th stanza), but the words themselves are not moving.

I'm not sure if you intended this to be in meter or not. The iambic tetrameter is pretty strong in areas and totally disappears in others. I might consider revising so that the piece is actually in meter rather than just syllable counted. It would improve the rhythm in areas, to be sure. Even if the form doesn't call for it, sometimes a piece seems to scream for meter. *Smile*

Overall, I think that this is a well-crafted poem as far as form goes. If you intended it to be in meter, that needs some work, and I would be happy to help you with it if needed (just email me). The ideas expressed are quite nice, and I do like that there is a progression from beginning to end-- it adds a cohesiveness and logical flow that can be lost in love poems. If I had one suggestion, it would be to use more interesting word choice throughout-- words that evoke emotion, provide imagery... a little spice. Still, this is a decent read, and though there is room for improvement (isn't there always?), the piece has promise. I would definitely consider it time well spent if you decide to revise. *Flower4*

Thank you for entering the contest, by the way! I hope to see more from you in the coming months! *Thumbsup*

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441
441
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I think that the opening stanza has a nice hook. It's a pretty clever idea, and I was happy to see it carry on into the second stanza.

The second stanza has a more "cutesy" vibe than the first, but I liked it! The beginning is quite strong really.

Generally, I'm not a big fan of weak repetitions. "Never been" is not a strong phrase... it's actually sort of a boring phrase. However, it works pretty well here.

Observations & Suggestions:

Like I said, I really like the first stanza, and the second is pretty good as well. There is something about the second that caught my attention though: A heart can see doves? I know what you mean, and I like what it means too! Still, there is something decidedly weird about that for me.

The third stanza is much weaker than the first two. It doesn't strike me as clever, and the final line is just weird. Okay... It feels empty and never feels complete. These lines make sense together. "And never given entry" has nothing to do with the two lines before it. It just seems like a random line to make a rhyme. The first two talk about being empty, hollow, missing something-- the third talks about entering something else rather than the inability to fill itself. Know what I mean? It just seemed weird.

The final stanza sounds like Dr. Seuss to me... particularly the book "Oh the Places You'll Go". The rhythm is identical to that book, and the word choice is pretty similar as well. I'm not saying that the stanza is childish (Seuss is actually quite an amazing writer with tons of pieces that could only be fully appreciated by an adult). I do think that the stanza is sing-songy compared to the rest and has a light, almost silly, quality to it.

I always hope for strong opening and ending stanzas. The opening was good, but the ending didn't move me at all.

The rhymes don't do much for me or add much to the poem. The "go/go" rhyme is a bit lame, by the way. The word "go" is boring, and using it twice as part of the rhyme pattern? It could be better. The only rhyme that I actually like is the slant rhyme in the first stanza-- "whole/full".

Overall, I think the piece is good but could use some revision. The "And never given entry" line is my least favorite by far, and I would definitely change it. The fourth stanza could use some work if you want a serious tone. I think that the idea in the beginning was super clever! If this was my piece, I would consider removing the third and fourth stanzas as leave it as a short, contemplative, and solidly written poem. For me, the third and fourth stanzas really need some work because, at the moment, they drag down the glory of the first two. I did enjoy the poem, and I think it is worth reading. If you decide to revise, I would love to give it another read!


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442
442
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I like the technique of using a questionnaire or application to introduce the character! Pretty fun idea.

The dialogue seemed very natural and pushed the story along at a good pace.

Observations & Suggestions:

The answers on the questionnaire could have told the reader a bit more about the character. It's a great writing device, but it could have been utilized a bit better.

The piece needs a grammar edit. There are missing and misplaced commas floating around throughout. If you need help with that, feel free to shoot me an email. *Smile*

There seemed to be next to no descriptions or imagery in the piece. It felt a bit stark really. Lots of action... the character was doing things, but I got no strong vibes about the setting(s). I'm not a huge fan of lengthy descriptions, but this piece is sort of barren. I would consider providing some so that the reader can visualize what's going on a bit better.

It seemed like there were tons of compound predicates in this piece. It distracted me a little. "I double check and hand" "I turn around and go" "They run and give" "I smile and turn".

One of the reasons that this was so noticeable is the sentence structure and length. Most of the story is written in short, choppy sentences. Simple sentences mostly. It made the piece sound to me like a child was telling the story. "This happened and that happened. Then this. Then that." Know what I mean?

The "abnormal" part didn't come through for me. The main character didn't seen strange in the slightest to me. Actually, I didn't feel like I got to know the main character much at all. Some more characterizations in general would be a great idea!

Somehow, the story wasn't super entertaining for me. The lack of description, short choppy sentences, minimal characterization... perhaps they all combined into a dull sort of read. It isn't boring or tedious... just not interesting. I was expecting something quirky, fun, and well... abnormal.

Overall, I think this is a good rough draft. You seem to have the bare bones of a story here. The dialogue works, and it could be an interesting idea. I think that somehow you should give the reader more to work with-- more character, more detail, more imagery, more something. It is a good start though! If you decide to edit, revise, or add to the story, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating if needed. *Smile*

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443
443
Review of Ask the wind  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

Some of the dialogue was pretty natural sounding, and it really pushed along the pace, which is good.

Observations & Suggestions:

First, the typos in this piece were killing me! There are seriously typos everywhere, so I had to stop reading to figure out what you meant here and there. That is certainly the first thing to fix. It's just distracting. *Wink* There are grammar issues around as well-- some seem like the same type of rushed errors as the typos and some are less obvious. I'll go through a few of those.

"The lady paced back and fourth nervously beyond the three golden thrones.The king rested his head on his hand and the queen stared at the lady nervously."

First of all, two uses of "nervously" this close together is overkill. Second, both are misplaced... they are "dangling modifiers," a grammar error that is not-so-obvious. *Wink* The adverb needs to be next to the word it is modifying. "The lady paced nervously back and forth" or "The lady nervously paced back and forth". "The queen stared nervously at the lady". A subtle but important difference.

"The two women mutter out." Ending a sentence with a preposition is frowned upon. The phrase "mutter out" is weird actually-- how is "mutter out" differed than "mutter". Second, "mutter" is present tense, and the story is written in past tense. This is not the only tense lapse in the piece either, so I'd watch for that. Third, you used an exclamation point and then said they "muttered"? That seemed slightly odd.

Okay... no more grammar. A few other punctuation types of things that are not grammar:

I would avoid using "..." in a story. What is wrong with "I have a question." and "I see. Inform them"?

Also, using "?!" has a sloppy, txt-message sort of look. One or the other would be good. *Wink*

The "I haven't seen t-them" doesn't work very well. "t" and "th" make different sounds, so wouldn't it be "th-them"? I'm not a huge fan of stuttering text in general, but if you use it, try not to over do it. Overuse could drive readers away.

So, I'm done with the nitpicky stuff! Promise!

There are a few things that I would try to work on in this intro:

Characterization. None of the characters have strong personalities yet. The dialogue seems sort of interchangeable too-- like anyone could be saying each line. I think that is an issue caused by the lack of characterization.

The conversational tone seemed like an odd choice for an intro that was almost entirely dialogue. We've had enough actual conversation to make the added conversational tone seem like overkill. It's just very chatty sounding.

Maybe I missed something or maybe you need to develop the first part more, but I had no idea why the story was suddenly jumping ahead 3 years. It seemed... random somehow. I like the device-- I think it's fun. I just wish that it served more of a purpose in the story.

Overall, I think that this little intro needs lots more work if you want to hook people and entice them to read further. A little TLC can go a long way though. If you decide to revise, I would be happy to give it another read and change my rating if needed. *Smile*


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444
Review of GAMBLING  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I think that many people will be able to relate to this piece. Even those who do not gamble may have had similar experiences with something else.

You have some nice details throughout. That is what kept me reading.

The tone at the end is hopeful and appreciative. Sometimes, people might say they are hopeful and appreciative, but the tone does not lighten accordingly. You did well with that.

Observations & Suggestions:

This desperately needs a grammar edit. Starting with the very first sentence, there were issues. "To some[,] gambling..." There are similar grammar errors throughout, and they make the piece harder to read. I might recommend separating this into paragraphs as well. You do cover numerous "topics" within this piece, and each one should have it's own paragraph. Not only is that proper formatting that makes the piece easier to follow, it would make it physically easier on the eyes. *Wink*

When editing, watch for passive voice. Generally, it is a weaker way to word things, and you use it constantly. There are some odd tense issues as well.

"gambling was becoming" rather than "became" or "had become". This is a perfect example of passive voice.

"it had taken many years before I realized what this act was doing" Okay, this is just worded strangely. "It had taken years TO" or "It took many years before" both seem more natural, and "was doing" is passive voice again. I would consider "It took many years to realize what this act had done".

These are just two examples so that you can spot the others. They happen all the time and got a bit exhausting to read after a while.

Quick fix: "I had tired controlling my gambling". Typo... "tried".

Usually, I try not to harp on grammar and structure too much, but for me, it drowned out the content. If it distracts from the content, it is time to edit. *Wink* It also made the piece feel like work to read, which hindered my enjoyment. Sorry if the grammar/structure critique isn't what you want to hear, but that is the strongest suggestion I can make in this case.

The "story" itself is interesting, but there aren't many details in there. I liked reading the effects (empty pockets, unpaid bills, etc), but I almost wanted some more specifics. I don't generally suggest making pieces longer, but I think that this piece would be more effective with specific examples. People might relate even more to them than to the general description. I know I probably would. This is more of an observation than a genuine suggestion though.

Overall, I think this could be very effective! Some tweaks here and there would make the piece easier to read and more entertaining-- and some kind of entertainment value is needed for this type of narrative. If it isn't "fun" or "intriguing", why would people read it? I think that it has real promise, but it isn't quite there yet. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read and change my rating if required. *Smile*


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445
445
Review of beginning of book  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I like the "baby vomit" line. For some reason, that amused me and sounded pretty natural.

The two year old would be perfect and creepy for a horror story... love it! For a romance? Not entirely sure about that.

This is short, concise, and moves the story along. It reads very much like YA (young adult) fiction to me. Everything about it just really has that vibe. The very early paragraph that describes the person is also a calling card of YA, and the comments of the main character seem pretty teenager. I tend to like YA fiction once in a while.

Observations & Suggestions:

Perhaps this is a pet peeve of mine, but I thought I'd mention it: describing a pretty girl with low-self esteem is annoying to me. If she "hates the red highlights to no end," dye it. Perhaps I just dislike people like this in real life, but I pretty much despised the "I'm nothing special" -insert very special description with icy eyes, big lips, natural red highlights- "I hate something about the way I look". Do you see the annoyance factor in there? It isn't like the was slightly plump with monotone brown hair (medium length), brown eyes, slightly too-large nose, lips a little too thin-- see, this is how I would describe a normal, "nothing special" type... they could be pretty... very pretty. But they don't sound super hot. *Wink*

The intro was a tiny bit confusing. I think that the wording of "I would not have said that I do" got reversed in my mind, because I thought it said "I would have said that I do". Negating "I do" is not the strongest way to get the message across maybe. I might consider trying "I would have said no". It is also fitting for the concise YA tone you have going.

The coffee detail also screams YA! If you're writing YA, you're doing a better job of it that I could. If it's meant to be adult fiction... it doesn't fit the bill. Anyway, drinking coffee every morning and being grouchy without it is so common as to be boring-- unless it is a teenager. So again, I loooove this for a YA piece.

Finally, the creepy toddler: I love this, as I adore horror! You didn't say anything about it being in the horror genre though. So... 2 year olds do not talk like this. Complete sentences?... calling herself "Anastasia" and being understandable?... Introducing her brother like an adult would? Again, super creepy! I was waiting for the kid's head to spin around. *Laugh* The grammar is too right-on, the complete sentences are completely false to me, and in general, it is an unrealistic conversation for anything but horror I think.

On a side note, I would probably avoid using Annabelle and Anastasia together. Both start with An... they're the same length... they look super similar. I bet people will get them mixed up. In fact, I wondered why Anastasia introduced herself twice until I started my review and noticed the difference. *Wink*

Overall, I think this could be an interesting story, but it's too soon to tell. For a love/romance, it hasn't really started because there is no love interest. I do think this is a great start for a YA horror book, but I have no idea if that was intended.


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446
Review of Derailed  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" ! *Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

You have some really nice details in this piece.

I like the breeze from the train snapping her out of it enough to get onboard. Super nice detail there. Sort of hiding her legs under the seat... another nice detail.

Line like this one, "I must have said the words aloud because the echo filled the empty subway, sending unwanted shivers down my spine." really shine as well. It has just enough detail to set the tone, but it isn't overly descriptive. *Thumbsup*

The pace is really fast! The few times that I started getting bored, you switched gears. It's like you read my future mind. *Laugh*


Observations & Suggestions:

I don't feel like I got to know the character very well. Her motives are unclear. If some guy was dying and tried to hand me a package, I'd have dropped it next to his body and taken off. If I was in shock and carried it on the train, I'd have left it there. If I somehow still had it when I got off the train, I'd have dumped it. Know what I mean? Why did this foolish woman keep the stupid package? I kept wanting to yell at her horror-movie-style to get rid of it already!

"I looked at the man laying at my feet"... Unless the guy was laying bricks or something at her feet, I'm thinking "the man lying". *Wink*

"I... must have stepped into something." The "into" isn't the best preposition to use in this case. You might step "into" a room or a lamp post. You step "in" something on the ground. A weird distinction, but I've never seen "into" used in quite this way. As it is dialogue, it seems more natural to say "I stepped in something" too.

"I felt the panic rise in me and my own voice telling me to leave" Did you "feel" your own voice? It seems strange to me. I might hear my voice in my head or think to myself, but I don't "feel" my voice. I would consider adding a compound predicate here I "felt and heard" or "felt and thought" or something?

I was just beginning to get bored with the on-the-train paranoia when the character jumped off the train. You didn't get stuck in a rut or go on too long with it. I like that the men jumped up to follow her too. To me, it said that whoever killed the guy was after her now.

"we agreed on the near by Subway" This totally confused me at first. I think I read it like 4 times before it name any sense to me. The reason: "nearby" is one word. Split like that, I kept thinking you were missing a word or something. *Facepalm* It took that long just to recognize "near by" as "nearby". Maybe I'm slow! *Laugh*

The woman's shock at the pages of code seemed weird to me. She is just some random person (something I was sure of long before the ending), but she freaks out when she sees some code? That makes no sense to me. The fact that the code was typed and printed made no sense to me either really... seems like an awful lot of work to retype from that copy if they could have just saved it to a flash drive or something.

"Before the man opened the door a gunshot could be heard and. in the next" That period crept in there by accident I think. Quick fix.

"just to get his attention but I knew I couldn't. Neither could I reveal my presence." The use of "neither" seems weird here, as getting his attention would CAUSE her to reveal herself. "I couldn't, as it would reveal my presence" or something would make more sense to me.

"The echo of the guy's shoes kept inching closer" This reminds me of an old radio show for some reason... or maybe a campfire ghost story? I think that "shoes inched closer" is more dramatic and genuine sounding. "kept inching closer" is more melodramatic than dramatic in my mind.

The final line seems weak to me compared to the rest of the piece. The fact that she was on vacation didn't surprise me, make me smile, or make me feel anything at all really. This is a pretty tightly written little story, but the end was super anticlimactic for me.

Overall, I think this is a decent little story. It has potential, but I don't think it's super good at the moment. A bit of editing could be helpful, but really, her character just seemed unrealistic to me in the end. This is just some normal woman on vacation, and she keeps/decides to deliver a package. Why? Some inkling of a motivation would be really helpful. The story was fun despite my urge to slap this woman though! *Laugh* The little details really saved it for me. Those are what kept me reading.

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447
447
Review of Short Stories  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I hate seeing folders go unrated. It just looks weird in a port to have all starless items. *Laugh* I only read one piece in this folder, but it was good! I'm sure the others are too. You got me in the mood for more horror though, and you don't have anymore in there. Wow, do you flit around the genres! Good practice I guess. Any chance of more horror creeping in there soon? *Wink*

Of course, I could read some of the other stories too, but right now, I'm thinking horror.


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448
448
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
I'm a guest judge for this round of the "Invalid Item" , and I thought that I would offer a little feedback on your entry. Remember, I'm just one judge, and the decision on who receives prizes is not mine to make. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I like that the man got some help.

Observations & Suggestions:

The way the sisters were gossiping about the homeless man, walking faster to get past him, and then going over just to inspect him, with no mention of offering him money, food, or help-- all together, it made me think they were just cruel, catty types. I didn't enjoy reading their conversation, which just seemed callous to me. The fact that they only offered to help him with money that they found on the sidewalk-- not something of their own-- did little to change that.

Perhaps the characterization went awry somewhere, but they didn't seem like "nice" people to me. The man isn't some sort of attraction to be ogled and gossiped about, right? Being super happy about helping someone with money that didn't even belong to them seemed a bit... well... self-satisfied or something I guess.

Somehow, I doubt that this is what you were going for. Right? I would consider rewriting this to show some emotions in them... like, sadness for the man, wishing they could do something... maybe walking over to him to give him some of the fruit they just bought instead of just to look him over? Instead of walking faster to get past him into the store, they should just continue strolling as normal. The "I saw him panhandling with a sign that said HELP THE HOMELESS", she could preface it by saying, "It was heartbreaking seeing him panhandling" or something like that.

Basically, anything you could do to make these women seem likable would be an improvement. If they were supposed to be gossipy types who helped just because there was money on the ground, that's fine... but the ending wasn't satisfying. Know what I mean?

On a side note, the story really needs a thorough edit for grammar. *Wink*

Overall, I think that this could be a heartwarming little story, but as it was, I got the wrong vibe from the sisters, which made it unenjoyable to read. If you decide to revise or have any questions about what I mean in this review... feel free to email me. *Smile*


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449
449
Review of Haruki  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I'm a judge for this round of the "Invalid Item"  and though I would provide a little feedback for your story. *Smile* Remember, I'm just one judge and do not have the final say on who receives awards.

Some things I Like:

I liked the Japanese and cultural differences you used throughout the story. The reader could never forget that she was a foreigner.

The story itself is pretty interesting... the girl stuck in Japan, totally out of place. That was far more interesting than the romance.

Observations & Suggestions:

The writing was mostly short, simple sentences. It gave the story a choppy sort of flow that I'm not a huge fan of. It made the piece sound like an automatic writing at times. In general, it hindered my enjoyment. I can see why you might have wanted to do this on purpose-- but it didn't work well for me.

I was surprised that he said she was in a "black world" in her head. She didn't seem like an overly dark character to me. More like a typical over-emotional teen rather than someone in a dark place. Know what I mean?

I also thought it was a bit odd that she reacted the way she did in the beginning-- wanting to hide-- if she knew Haruki and his brother fairly well already. At least, she seemed to be familiar with them-- if not, the story moved insanely fast. Like, one second she was embarrassed, and he turned and walked away without a word. The next, she was in his room. Odd.

This seemed to me like the bare-bones of a story that needs more detail. More characterization for her and Haruki would have made each event in the story seem less random and would have made me care a bit more about her. As it was, I didn't really care what happened to her in the end. She was just some teen living in Japan with a crush on a neighbor. Know what I mean? The depth would have come in through telling more about her background. For instance, having her interact with the step-mother would have been a good vehicle to show her personality and give the reader a glimpse into her sad existence. Just an example of how you might have worked in more of a character for her.

Overall, I think that this is an alright little story that could use some more development. Developing her character more would be helpful. A bit more varied sentence structure would have helped to keep the story from sounding monotonous as well.


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450
450
Review of Lease On LIfe  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! I'm a judge for this round of the "Invalid Item" , and after reading your story, I thought I would leave you some quick feedback. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

The idea is cute. Every year, little known to us, people have to take out a new lease on life... which they quickly forget about. It's a novel idea that reminded me somewhat of the twilight zone.

The voice was very clear in this story, though she sounded more like an annoyed teenager than a grown woman. I would think that an adult would just want to sign the thing and get on with life already, but maybe that's just me.

The dream-like quality was fairly interesting too. Some of it was pretty amusing. I particularly liked the detail of the desk being holiday themed with layers of paint. For some reason, that detail stood out to me.

Observations & Suggestions:

The intro seemed to go on for much longer than necessary, at least to me. I got rather bored just waiting around for her to do something. It gave you plenty of time to describe the surroundings, but it also gives the reader too much time to stop caring what the purpose is. The name of the story sort of gave away what was going to happen... so I was just waiting for it. It seemed like a rather long time for someone to fight against something as simple as signing their name... something that people have to do constantly and takes 5 seconds.

The length also added a wee bit of annoyance for me because you raised questions and didn't answer them for ages. That type of purposeful confusion, if not resolved quickly, can drive readers away. Like the "Which card did it this time?" question, which I thought was strange. "Did what?" I had to wait forever to hear what that was supposed to mean. I might consider something like "triggered it this time" by the way... it would alert the reader to something being not-quite-right from the beginning, which could lessen confusion.

That is an odd detail... that a birthday card would trigger this scenario year after year. Quite quirky. *Wink* I like quirky.

The pregnancy twist was cute. The ending in general was much more fun than the intro-- it was a bit more concise and flowed much faster. The snap back to reality was pretty seamless too.

The grammar was pretty solid in this piece, by the way. I did notice a little typo here that I thought you might want to fix sometime:

"I reluctantly look down at the birthday card that started this who process." I imagine that is supposed to be "whole process". I hate those types of typos... so hard to catch! I find them in my own stories now and then too.

Overall, I think this is a super cute idea, and it was executed very well once she got around to signing the lease. Before that, it was a bit tedious for my taste, but mine is just one opinion, right? *Smile* Good luck with the contest!


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