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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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451
451
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello! I am a guest judge for this round of the "Invalid Item" , and after reading your story, I thought I would offer some feedback. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

Stories like this are the reason I love judging newbie contests. Very nicely written.

The intro hooked me. The manner in which you tell the reader that the man is an artist was brilliant. I loved it. The colors compared to the grayscale of snow and dirt were lovely. Happy colorful times had turned to this stark reality for the man... you painted it quite well using this technique. The "reds and blues and yellows" covered in snow had a similar effect that I very much appreciate.

The story is a simple one, and you told it well.

Observations & Suggestions:

A few things about the story:

When asked "What are you doing here?" I thought that "I was an artist" was a strange response. My first thought was, "You didn't answer the question." Just thought I'd mention it. Very convenient for the purpose of the story... it pushed the plot along, but it seemed strange to me.

I think that testing the man to see if he was lying led to an interesting story, but it also seemed somewhat strange. Like, why would the soldier care who he was or what he was after hearing his Jewish name? I would think that the conversation would have ended with "Gottlieb". Probably unavoidable, as the "story" happens because of this conversation, but it had a ring of falsity to it somehow. Know what I mean?

Despite the events happening in, what to me, seemed like an unrealistic scenario, the story was quite nice really. I tend to write often about the process of writing and creating artwork myself, so I quite enjoyed the descriptions of the artists work. The little story had an artistic sort of flair to it as well... poetic in its way.

As much as I love the description-heavy intro, by the end of the third paragraph, I was growing slightly bored with it. I was more than ready for something to happen. It wasn't so much the length of the descriptive paragraphs as the repetitive quality. The list of rooms, another list of memories. It became rather tedious by the end, though I like the individual details. The only thing that I can point out that I would definitely change is the repetition of "like me" at the end of paragraph two. It would have been more effective for me as just 'hiding in daylight, shivering in the night... like me'. Lovely line, by the way.

For what it's worth, I greatly prefer the original ending to the alternative. Both are well written, but I prefer the abruptness of the first. The dialogue is beautiful in its simplicity and slightly more open to interpretation (which I love). The Nazi shooting so that the page would think he killed the artist and then leaving gloves... I prefer that type of romantic ending to the more literal finding-his-love-again romance. I really love the original ending, while the second would have been fitting but anticlimactic.

A few small things:

"The memories come easy--until they don't." --Easily. It is modifying the verb.

"'Go.' The captain's voice has turned bitterly chiil" --Typo. Chill

And some odd comma-usage throughout... a few examples:

"I hear his boots, deafening on the hardwood floor move slowly around from behind to my left." Comma needed after "floor".

"The night air through the broken windows is chill, but not biting" No comma needed after "chill". It isn't wrong... but it isn't needed and makes the line flow strangely I think.

"Slow, soft flakes of gossamer drift through the moonlight pouring in, and over the shattered reds and blues and yellows of the old window" No comma needed after "in". In fact, this is a bizarre place for one and really should not be there.

"Now, the rats have become the only residents here in Warsaw, and have been my only company for these past weeks" This is a compound predicate: 'rats have become and have been'... no comma after Warsaw.

Overall, I think that this is beautifully written. If my review seems nitpicky, it is because it could be. The writing itself is beautifully done, regardless of grammar snafus here and there or random plot oddities. I wish you lots of luck in the contest and would not be at all surprised if you placed with this story. *Smile*

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452
452
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! I'm a guest judge for this round of the "Invalid Item" , and after reading your story, I thought that I would offer you some feedback. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion and that Sisco has the final say in any awards given. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

The imagery in the story is quite good. It is pretty much dripping with modifiers, which is an interesting contrast to the cold-unfeeling characters I think. There were times when I felt that the adjectives got a bit overpowering, but that is a matter of opinion. I tend to like less-descriptive writing that lets me use my imagination more... but again, that is a matter of taste.

The characterization is sufficient in my opinion. He is sort of a cold-calculating sort of character, which comes across quite well.

The writing itself is pretty good for the most part, despite some grammar problems that made the story harder to understand than necessary at times.

Observations & Suggestions:

There were some comma issues in this piece. A few examples:

The slight calm in the eddy caused by the sandbar and the clump of willow, was just enough to let him breathe carefully without inhaling water.

This one confused me at first. Had to reread to figure out why there was a random comma in front of the predicate. You're missing the first comma-- should go just after "eddy". "...eddy, caused by"

While he listened he started the mental and physical exercises

You need a comma after "listened". This error happened a number of times, actually. You got it right sometimes and missed it other times. Something to watch for.

A few more random grammar issues:

“The mind is the key!” his father had said, “The mind is the key!

This is basically a run-on sentence. The second quotation is not a continuation of the first... so "his father had said" should end with a period rather than a comma.

As he did so, he stepped on the boy's ankle. It rolled under his foot. The water erupted in blinding spray. He never saw the dagger that caught him under the chin and drove into his brain.

Be careful of those pronouns! "The boy's ankle"... "his foot". Whose foot? The reader can figure out which "he" you're talking about, but they shouldn't have to figure it out for themselves. After mentioning the boy, reaffirm that you're talking about the ninja. It will make for a less confusing read.

In general, the end had far too many pronouns for my taste. For instance:

By the time the boy was five, any muscle he chose would twitch, swell, or ripple. He learned to slow his breathing and heartbeat to appear dead to casual examination. At the age of eight, a doctor would have found it difficult to decide that he lived. He learned to lie for hours naked in a snowbank without discomfort. He learned how to live in his mind, aware of his surroundings, but unaffected by them.

He had learned well these and other lessons his father had taught

This is six sentences... four of which begin with "he learned". It gets very monotonous.

Overall, I think the story itself was pretty interesting. I thought that the aspects of training with the father were far more interesting than the beginning, but I was relatively interested in finding out why the kid was submerged in water like that. It's a pretty good hook. This is not a bad effort! I would give it a thorough edit for grammar and clarity just to smooth out the reading experience, but the story basics are there. *Smile* Well done and good luck with the contest!

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453
453
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" ! *Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

I'm rather particular about rhymes and their function. If they don't serve a strong purpose, there is no reason to have them, generally. The rhymes in this piece give the poem sort of a sing-song and lighthearted quality. As the subject matter is dark, it gives the piece a nice satirical tone. This is a technique that I quite like when done well, and I think that you did.

Many of the lines are strong. I think that my favorite is "and paused thereon to hush a wince". I don't usually love beginning lines with "and", but it works for this one, and I love "hush a wince"... quieting a facial expression... it's that weird swapping of senses that I just love! I do it often myself, in fact. *Laugh*

The pronoun "she" could have gotten out of hand in this poem. The first few lines had more mentions of "she" than I personally would use, but they don't bog down the wording too much. I was impressed at how well the pronouns in general worked in the poem, as too many pronouns drive me nuts usually, and this poem does have what I would call "too many". Somehow, it works though.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are a few lines or phrasing choices that didn't work that well for me. Here are a few of them, in no particular order:

"to recall what she had forgot" The flow is iffy in this line, but my bigger problem is the "had forgot". It has the effect of listening to someone grind their teeth for me. Including grammatical errors to make a slant-rhyme? Pfft... I know you could do better than that. *Wink*

"she wound up falling on the floor" This is just super conversational. "wound" also seems like a strange choice in a poem about violence, as it is spelled the same as, say, "a bleeding wound". Now, this could be cleverly done, but it isn't. "wound up" is also a very conversational phrase that doesn't fit well with the formal tone throughout (therein, therefore, etc). I would consider:

"she fell upon the filthy floor" or "the pristine floor" or the "something floor". Basically, the wording right now is not concise, which means you're missing an opportunity to slip in a modifier. This poem is not packed to the gills with imagery, so you might as well include some. It would add a bit of setting too, which could be nice.

"for if she cried therefore he'd wake". This line just seemed sloppy to me. I would rewrite the entire thing, personally. There isn't a single bit of it that I like. The meaning is fitting for the poem, but the way it is said doesn't work for me... it just sounds awkward.

A few other notes:

When you first mentioned "the baby' I began to wonder if this "she" wasn't really a child whose father beat her or something. I assumed I missed something, as the child was going back for a doll. There was no way, in my mind, that the baby could have been real.

The end of the poem struck me as almost laughably false. No one would leave her BABY in an abusive situation while she escaped herself. And to forget completely about the baby? That is far beyond reason in my opinion. I don't care how distraught the woman was, no one is going to forget that they have a baby! An older child, the woman could possibly consider leaving I guess, but a baby? I don't buy that for a second. For me, it dramatically harmed the poem because I could not relate, on any level, to this person. She went from being the victim in my mind to being a victimizer of sorts... so intent of getting herself to safety that she would forget entirely about her own baby. Know what I mean?

There are a few places where the flow is off a tad-- not super important, but I might try reading the poem aloud. If you stumble at all or need to change your rhythm, edit the line. I find that it works pretty well usually.

Some word choice could use some work as well. For instance, in a poem this short, I see no reason to repeat words other than small, connector sorts (articles, prepositions, pronouns, etc).

For instance, "floor" is used twice in close proximity. These things slip into my poetry sometimes too, but unless there is a good reason to repeat, the poem will be stronger without the repetition. I would consider keeping the stronger of the two, regardless of the rhyme. "falling on the floor"... boring. "the floor received her sweated prints"... awesome!

Overall, I like the poem. I think that the writing has strong moments, the narrative is pretty strong, in general, it is pretty good. I might work a bit on the word choice and flow. The ending for me struck the wrong chord-- disbelief and mild annoyance was the reaction that it got from me. Keep it or change it... that's up to you. I did want to share my view of it though. The lines that I suggested changing were just a few examples, but I believe there is plenty of room for improvement in this poem. The poem is also worth that kind of fine-tooth revision in my opinion. It's a very nice start.


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454
454
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Here you go! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

This has a vaugely Tales from the Crypt type of vibe. I dig that.

The story itself is fairly amusing I think.

Observations & Suggestions:

The first thing that really struck me here is that the characters aren't super well-developed. I didn't care enough about the detective to feel much of anything at his demise. I think the cyclic ending was fun, but I didn't really care what happened to the original detective.

There was a little bit of foreshadowing. Somehow, the reader will know that the kid is creepy.

The child of 8 says that she wants her dinner, which was alright. This though seemed a bit forced and odd to me: "Glad to hear it mother, and remember I want my dinner. I will just go to my cave in the garden and get things ready for our visitor [...]"

When I first read it, somehow I thought that the teenager had shown up for some reason. Perhaps it is only my tipsy state, but it confused me briefly. I think that making a bigger show of the girl leaving would be good. I sort of missed it, thinking she was still around. When she reappeared, I thought she had never left and assumed it was a new person. Again, could just be my foolish state. Or maybe the girl leaving should be closer to the woman telling the detective that he should leave? Anyway, thought I'd mention it.

The diary interjected into the middle seemed a bit odd. I LOVE reading diaries and journals in stories... consider it a voyeuristic thing, but I do enjoy that. These journal entries though seemed to come out of nowhere in the middle of a scene. I would consider integrating them better, moving them to the beginning, or somehow making them seem less like a "I'm going to give you this info so the ending will make sense" sort of thing. Know what I mean?

Backtracking for a moment, I think that it could be good to make the text message in the beginning read more like a txt msg. Something like:

"Sry so short. Teenage girl, Carla. Jamerson mansion. Kids gone her fault! Pure evil!"

Something short, abrupt, but still readable would better convey to the reader the urgency and that it was supposed to be a text. I have to admit, that I was a bit confused rather than drawn in by the opening line.

Finally, there are some grammar issues and typos in here. Might want to give it a quick clean-up! I've found that reading the piece aloud helps to find those places where what you meant doesn't match what you wrote. The vs. they and such can be spotted that way.

Overall, not a bad read. It could use some polish though... most notably: working the journal entries into the story so that they don't seem like a random interjection. Still, it was pretty fun. *Smile*


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455
455
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I'm one of the judges for this round of the "DreamTime Dragon's Poem Contest" . I just thought I'd drop a quick review for you, as I do tend to read a bit of your poetry and don't recall ever reviewing one of your poems. *Wink*

Things I Like:

I do love ballads, particularly those with strong narratives. The meter is nearly perfect in this poem, and the words flow well too (as you know, one does not necessarily ensure the other).

The imagery is sufficient for poetic effect without overpowering the story. I think that is an easy trap to fall into, especially for a fantasy poem. Very nicely balanced really.

The narrative itself kept my interest, which is a plus.

The phrasing never seemed needlessly repetitive, as can sometimes be the case in poems that tell stories. You spaced the repeated words (like "magic") far enough apart so that they did not grate my nerves... I appreciate that very much! *Wink*

The dialogue was very well integrated. It seemed quite effortless.

The opening and closing stanzas are particularly strong. I tend to look for that in poetry. A strong beginning and an equally strong ending are ideal. They both relate very closely to the prompt for the contest too, which is fitting.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are just a few places where the meter is off. I'm going to mention the few that really threw off my reading:

"her plea mingled with tears"

The stress on the second syllable in "mingle" is just too weird for me. "Mingle" is naturally stressed on the first syllable. My tongue strongly dislikes this, and if I try to compensate for it by changing the rhythm with a double unstressed syllable before or after, it simply doesn't work. I would consider revising the line. I do love the meaning and the individual word choice-- this is just for the sake of the rhythm.

"touching the ancient dragon's heart,"

This line, likewise, slips out of iambic rhythm, which isn't a problem in similar lines (like "swearing protection - for a price"), but it caused problems for me here. Perhaps it is because my rhythm was already thrown by the "mingled" line before it. Not sure, but I thought I'd mention that it tripped me up.

Those are really the only two lines where the shifts in rhythm made me stumble.

I suppose that I could keep finding things to say about this poem, but really, it is just a solid piece. The writing is simply well-done, and I found it to be an enjoyable read. Cheers! *Smile*

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456
456
Review of My Uncles  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem made an impression on me. I read it ages ago, as mentioned before, and I didn't forget it. I liked it just as much this time.

Some things I Like:

The first stanza is amazing! I just adore it. On first read, I questioned using the phrase "Out of the way" rather than simply "away", but I like the subtle difference in meaning it provides now. I think that "away" would sound nicer, but the meaning plus the way the phrase looks considering the line breaks makes up for it. I love the action... very animated. I also love the use of "loaded". Very nice.

In general, I like your line breaks. There were only a few that I might tweak. The one that really jumps out at me is "Of a clear soul"... I do this sometimes myself, but "of a" is a weak line starter. Otherwise, very strong lines on their own.

The second stanza is strong as well. The "batting baffled eyelashes away" is my favorite line by far. Normally, I would find it distracting to use "lashy" and "eyelashes" so close together, but it works pretty well.

The third stanza loses the momentum of the first two, but it has some great lines. The curtain line is awesome, and the first line is pretty good. The last three don't really "do it for me" as much as the rest of the poem. Similarly, the last two lined stanza didn't grab me.

Observations & Suggestions:

It is sort of a shame that the poem didn't end as strongly as it began. There are some issues in the third stanza too.

The first three lines are talking about the eyebrows, the last two are about the uncles themselves... yet there is no punctuation to indicate that you're switching topics. There are grammar issues throughout actually... missing commas being the most notable. Also period where commas belong "Black thick and deep[,] they held happy expressions"

The second stanza has a few things that I might consider editing as well. First, two of the lines begin with "they verb-beginning-with-H", which I found distracting. Second, there are some odd tenses here:

"They hit the ceiling of their hairline"

They and their used together like this is a bit awkward, but I wont get into that. The tense issue: They and Their are plural... ceiling and hairline are singular. It should be "They hit the ceilings of their hairlines" if you're talking about numerous sets of eyebrows or "They hit the ceiling of his hairline" if you're talking about just one set of eyebrows.

Finally, as mentioned, the last 5 lines weren't as engaging for me. The last two seemed unnecessary... something of a weak repeat of the two lines before them. Of course, this is your poem to do with what you will, but if it was mine, I'd cut the last two lines altogether and try to strengthen the third line of the third stanza so that the two that follow will be better supported. If that doesn't make sense, shoot me an email and I'll try to explain better. *Laugh*

Overall, I love the poem! The first stanza is the best part by far, in my opinion. It hooked me and is very memorable. Some small revisions in the second stanza would make it as strong as the first. I'd play around the the third stanza, but then, I like playing with poetry-- writing and rewriting. *Wink* This is a seriously enjoyable piece though... Very well done.

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457
457
Review of Fear is...  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I like some of the individual things that fear is. *Wink* In particular, "the gravity that keeps you low" is very nice.

The final line is an interesting way to end the poem. I can appreciate the meaning of this little piece.

Observations & Suggestions:

To me, repetition should be used only if it serves a strong purpose in the poem. Saying "Fear is" 5 times is not that effective. For me, the repetition of "fear is" just means that you use the word "is" five times, and forms of "to be" are boring usually. Look at all the great words you have in this poem:

gravity, enemy, brick, tightly knit, ignorant, afraid

Those are nice, strong words! Is the word "is" interesting or strong line those? If not, why repeat it? *Smile*

I might suggest a bit of editing to remove most of the "fear is" phrases. Maybe something like this (just an example):

Fear is the gravity that keeps you low,
the greatest enemy.
Fear is that brick wall that holds you back
and keeps you ignorant.
Fear is tightly knit with doubt.

Cutting just two of the phrases is an improvement I think. Again though, this is just an example of what you could do if you chose.

I was curious is there was a significance to the order of the phrases as well. All of the "fear" lines talk about fear in relation to "you"... all of them except "Fear is tightly knit with doubt". That sentence describes fear itself without relating it to "you"... so in my mind, it is different than the others. I would put that one last, personally.

I like quirky things like "dot. dot. Amen", but I don't think it suits this poem that well. Just my opinion.

Overall, I think you have a nice start! Your phrasing is quite nice, you have some good word choice going on, the flow is nice, but I do think that you have lots of room for revision here. I would definitely save a copy of this piece and then start playing with it. Rearrange, rewrite, play around... you never know what you might end up with! *Smile*


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458
458
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I like that you wrote the poem in present tense. Generally, I find poems more engaging if there is action going on in the present rather than in the past. *Smile*

Your word choice is strong at times, and the flow is pretty good for the most part too.

Observations & Suggestions:

I think that this poem could use some general editing for grammar as well as some line tightening. Something like "I can feel" means the same thing as "I feel", so why not use "I feel"? Just an example of the type of tightening I think could be helpful. As for grammar, you have 5 sentences in the first stanza and only two periods. That is grammatically impossible. *Wink* I might suggest a period after "it's not shared" and a period after "in the corner". A thorough grammar edit is still a good idea though... there are some missing commas around as well.

"I can feel me smiling" Now, I understand what you're saying here, but it's sort of a weird way to say it. "I can feel me"... to me that is a bit unusual somehow. *Wink* I might consider a change that could work in some interesting wording as well. Maybe something like: "I feel my smile growing" or something? Basically, it swaps the word "can", slightly boring, with "growing", a bit more snazzy. Just an example of course.

The final line in the first stanza is a bit long for the flow. It tripped me up a bit when reading. Seems at least a beat too long.

"bring me up a smile" is also a bit awkward for me. "Bring me up" seems like a regional colloquialism or something... I've never heard it used that way before.

The final stanza seems a bit abrupt compared to the rest of the poem. I don't mind the gradual tapering down of stanzas, but there's nothing to latch onto in that last stanza. The language is very conversational, with lots of small words that don't demand attention. The final line in the second stanza is similar too... there are no eye-catching words in there, and the line sounds short and choppy when read aloud.

Overall, I think this is a good effort! With some revision, I think the poem could be quite nice too. I don't mean to discourage you at all, as I think the poem has promise. Besides, it never hurts to play with your poetry... save a copy, revise/rewrite, repeat. *Thumbsup* You never know what amazing thing you could come up with!


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459
459
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm one of the judge's for the "Invalid Item" ! Keep in mind that I am just one judge out of three, but I wanted to offer you a little bit of feedback. My opinions are just that... my opinions. They do not necessarily reflect what the other judges think. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I just wanted to give you a quick review to say that I think this poem is lovely. The rhythm is beautifully done, your word choice is spot on, and I like the sentiment.

The opening stanza is particularly strong, in my opinion. I love the first line. It drew me into the poem immediately! The second to last stanza is also gorgeous! I really really love each line and the stanza as a whole.

Observations & Suggestions:

Because I adore the second to last stanza, the final stanza had less impact on me. It is a fitting end to the piece though, and I do love the phrasing. I did want to mention this one thing though:

"may others join in wholeness be"

If I'm not mistaken, "join" should be "joined". Others can "join in wholeness" or "be joined in wholeness", but right now, the line essentially says "be join in wholeness", right?

The "sun is but a door" stanza has a shorter rhythm than the rest of the poem... opening with trimeter seemed slightly abrupt, but it didn't throw off my rhythm too badly when reading. The "morning" tripped me up the most. My tongue wanted to say "morn"... but if it was "morn", that might make "slowly" a bit too long for the flow. Just thought I'd mention it... no suggestion for change.

And that is about all I have to say for this poem. It's just a nicely written piece, and I hope it does well in the contest. *Smile*

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460
460
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm one of the judge's for the "Invalid Item" ! Keep in mind that I am just one judge out of three, but I wanted to offer you a little bit of feedback. My opinions are just that... my opinions. They do not necessarily reflect what the other judges think. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I like the first two lines. The mid-line rhyme is nice, and I think that "tracing" paints a nicer image for me than rain-related words that you could have used: dripping, pouring, etc.

I like the mixing of short and long lines. I know that it isn't everyone's favorite style, but I generally enjoy it if done well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The use of "tracing" is slightly off-set by the use of "pouring" in the next line. This is where the poem begins to tiptoe that cliche boundary. "Pouring fromt he windows of the soul"... is there any part of that line that sounds truly unique to you? I think there might be another way to spin this one.

I like the twice, three times, once line. I even like that they aren't in order (once, twice, three or the reverse), but I do think that the line would be more effective with line breaks and staggering. They lead into one another well.

On a side note, the "when you did not return to me" lapses into conversational tone. There's no single word or idea there that wouldn't be expressed if you were chatting with someone rather than writing. I think that simply cutting the "to me" from the end makes the phrase more polished.

"In the years past, I have missed you. Always wishing you were here and not there"

Now, this is purely personal preference, but I think these lines would be more powerful with action. "In years past, I missed you." and maybe "wished you were here not there". Removing "the" and "and" just tighten up the line, and the meaning remains intact, but "missed" and "wished" draw the reader into the action more than "have missed" and "wishing".

"Accomplishing nothing and creating more pain" Love the sound of the line, but creating pain is accomplishing something... just not something positive. *Wink* The reader doesn't know the motives of the person being missed, so when I read that, my first thought was "unless she wants to cause pain".

I like the sentiment in the final line, but I think it would really shine with some general line tightening.

"I say I love you and you say the same" The two "I"s, two "you"s, and two "say"s are a bit much for me. I might consider something like "I love you, and you say the same". Double "you" still, but only one of the "I" and "say". It only changed the meaning slightly.

"until you see that the truth is in my tears" Again, this is a bit bulkier than needed to convey the emotion. A more concise version might actually make the moment more poignant. "until you see truth shining in my tears" or something like that would the words that, the, and is... all of which are boring little words. Just a suggestion.

Overall, I like the general idea of the poem and think that you have some nice ideas and writing here. If it was mine, I think that I'd give it a revision. Never hurts to play with your poetry, as long as you save a copy! *Wink*

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Review of Puzzle Passion  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

The title of this piece caught my eye. I do love all types of puzzles, and the word itself is fun to say and look at. I wanted to know the type of puzzle involved in the story, and I was pleasantly surprised that it was an actual 'puzzle' rather than just some sort of mystery. *Wink*

You have some very nice details in this piece. I love the mocking tiger on the box and the puzzle piece stuck to his forehead. Both made me smile!

This is a very fast paced story! I do love flash fiction, and this was a cute little anecdote that is just perfect for this short format.

Observations & Suggestions:

I think that George's character could have been a little more defined. We learn at the end that he is something of a contest addict, and he must be relatively young for his mother to be present. Perhaps it is just me, but before the mention of the mother, I assumed he was an adult. A 5000 piece puzzle isn't an activity I associate with a child. I understand that the challenge had to be a large one-- it was for a contest after all. The younger age makes sense in the context of the story... he was aiming big for a contest and couldn't get it together in time. Something earlier on in the story to make him seem child-like would have helped me connect more to the character I think. It could be as simple as the name. George sounds like a man, but Georgy seems like a child. I'm suggesting this change exactly... just an example. *Wink*

The tiger mocking him was my favorite part of the story, but it was also an element that made me think George was an adult. I actually got a bit of an eerie, creepy, horror-comedy vibe from it. I half expected George to be putting a puzzle together in the common room of a mental health facility or something. You painted sort of a wild, off-kilter vibe in my mind. I loved the effect, personally. It also makes sense for a child to behave this way-- children and teens are imaginative and can get frustrated and emotional over things as simple as a puzzle. Perhaps I would have gotten a different sort of vibe from it if I'd known from the beginning that it was a younger person. Not sure, but I thought I'd mention it.

This is not a super important element, but I thought I'd mention it anyway. I think that I would break the lines in the flier so that it would visually appear much different from the rest of the text. It would also look slightly more flier-like.


Puzzle Passion
presents

5000+ piece puzzle contest

Bring your biggest, most
beautiful, completed puzzles
to the Silver Plaza Hotel by
Jan. 4, 2014 to be entered
into one of our four categories:
Animals, Castles, Ocean, or Art.

Grand Prize:
A $200 Puzzle Passion gift
certificate!


Just a suggestion. I guess I think of fliers as looking like this. *Laugh* Like I said, not a big deal at all.

The ending is very cute too! Until the point when his mother mentioned the model airplane contest, I had no idea he was a contest junkie rather than just obsessed with puzzles. I'm not sure if you intended this to be a surprise, a cute detail, or an "ah ha! that's what this is about" moment. It seemed to me like this could have fulfilled any of those functions, but it didn't really work for me. I never wondered once what his interest was-- I thought I knew. He was interested in puzzles! So the added detail at the end was sort of an "oh. okay." moment for me. With a little revision, I think that it could have more impact on the reader.

Some random suggestions:

George banged his head on his worktable

As a general rule, I try to minimize the use of pronouns. The 'his' and 'his' aren't really needed here... the second makes just as much sense as 'the'. "George banged his head on the table" works just fine and eliminates an unneeded pronoun. Not a big deal, but I always think unneeded pronouns are worth mentioning. It's a good habit to look for them when editing anything.

George ripped the flier, one piece at a time

Something about this line tripped me up when reading. My mind rejected it for some reason and confused me for a moment. I tend to mention it anytime that happens when reading. I think the issue for me is: The flier is one piece of paper. You wouldn't rip a piece of paper 'one piece at a time'... there is just something odd about that to me. This is an excellent chance to give us more description anyway. My mind goes to "making flier confetti" and ripping the pieces, stacking them, ripping them again, over and over until the stack is so thick that it wont rip. I think we've all done that before when we were annoyed or frustrated. *Wink*

Overall, I think this is a cute idea for a story. The confusion about the character's age & personality and the random switch at the end to contest rather than puzzle obsession (at least, it seemed random to me) led to a less enjoyable story than this could have been. The most interesting and amusing parts for me happened in the beginning, and the end only managed to change my perception of those events... not necessarily for the better. I think this piece could stand to be a tiny bit longer too-- just a few more sentences to make the character well-rounded. I enjoyed the story, but I think I could have enjoyed it much more. Definitely worth the time it would take to revise I think! With just half an hour of work, it could be a perfect little story. *Smile*


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Review of The Walk  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Congratulations on winning first place in the "Invalid Item" !

Things I Like:

The plot for this story is rather sweet, considering the subject matter. When I got to the ending, I had a moment of confusion when they started to leave, but it made sense rather quickly. A very nice little story. The premise hooked me too. I was interested pretty much immediately. Rather morbid intro, but pretty cool too.

The relationship between Anna and Tom seemed believable to me. The reminiscing could have been obnoxious, but it came off very nicely. The reader can gather from the dialogue the nature of the friendship and how long they've been friends. The subtle hint that they possibly could have become more was cute as well.

The dialogue was quite good. It flowed naturally and never seemed forced. You also didn't allow the reader to forget the purpose of their walk. The moments of sadness were well written and subtle. This is not a tear-jerker story so much as a portrait of friendship, which I assume is what you wanted.

You added just enough description in this piece to create a setting. I appreciate that the bulk of the story is dialogue-based, but there are some lovely descriptive details. The ripple-tree ring was great! The comparison between the garden and her parents' faces was lovely as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

A few times, the dialogue lacked tags for reasonably long stretches. It didn't cause much confusion (except in the beginning when they're making sure they have everything they need), but it could confuse a casual reader. A "she said" in there now and then would help. Most of the time, this was fine. There were just a few times when I got confused. Something to look for if you revise I guess.

The tags wouldn't have been so important if the characters were distinctly different. One was male and one was female. One was dying. She seemed to have a slightly different sense of humor. Otherwise, they could have been the same character. The relationship seemed believable and strong... but the friends seemed so alike as to be interchangeable really. This isn't a problem because of the nature of the story-- it is about their relationship rather than their individual characters. Still, I thought I'd mention it.

The first part of the story and the second half work fairly well together, but the tones are decidedly different. The dialogue tells a timeless sort of story, but the mention of that fast food restaurant in the beginning is not timeless. It feels very modern, despite the chain being around for many decades. Aside from that one detail, the entire story had a romantic, sad, and classic feel to it.

When Anna asks tom near the beginning if he'd rather go with her, I immediately thought she was suggesting that he kill himself with her. I would guess that you meant "rather go to the beach with me?", but that is not how I first interpreted it. I thought it was pretty awesome actually (I like dark & creepy), but it wouldn't fit well in the story. I might suggest making your intentions clear there. *Wink*

The Paris thing... at the end, I don't know what purpose that was supposed to serve. Was he telling her that's where he was going so that she would be happy? Like an "I'll do the things that you wanted and live life for both of us"? I couldn't decide if he really was going or not. I thought he might be going and was feeling guilty that he got a ticket and she didn't, but it works the other way too... that he just told her he would go to make have something nice to talk about or something. Basically, this detail managed to confuse me and nothing else. I always mention things that don't seem to work, and this was one of the few bits of dialogue that didn't quite get me there. I'd just leave it with a mention of Paris in the beginning, personally. It sort of slowed the story near the end as well... just not sure about it.

Overall, I think this is a well-crafted story. The ending was sweet and sad at the same time, which is difficult to pull off effectively. The relationship made sense, and the dialogue didn't seem forced. It was a nice, easy read, and you certainly deserved that first place finish. *Smile*


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463
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, you finished this, right? Better than I would have done... *Wink* Any big folder like this deserves 5 stars. Cheers!
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Review of Lilac Mermaids  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

I was nosing around your portfolio, and this title caught my eye. I was wondering what a song called "lilac mermaids" might be about. *Wink*

Things I Like:

Some of your phrasing is just spectacular, and you have some amazing details and word choice in this piece as well. Some favorites: red carpet, pop lock and drop out, cold mid July, crystal wine, disco ball

Most of my favorites also provide great imagery! Really like that.

I like the song lyrics embedded within your own lyrics, as you mentioned listening to oldies. "Strangers in the night" does seem like an odd choice to begin your lyric, but I like that it's in the piece. "hold me closer, tiny dancer" isn't a song I think of as an "oldie", but I suppose it is now. hehe


Observations & Suggestions:

The "lilac mermaid" has no meaning for me at all in this piece. An inside joke? Something personal? It really just does not compute with me. It's a cool set of words... looks good and sounds good, but yeah... no meaning to me whatsoever.

The strongest part of this piece to me is the first two stanzas (or verses). They are both very good! The third is the weakest for me... which is a bit of an issue, as that is the one that's repeated a bunch of times. I love the first line of it, but the rest just doesn't do much for me I guess. The last line is also a bit long for the flow... dunno how it could be said with music to not seem awkward. I just can't "hear" it, you know?

Similarly, the "Don't stare at me like this, sweetheart" is a bit long for the flow too. It seems clunky after the smoothness of the line before it. The word that trips me up is "sweetheart". Those two hard sounds (the T's ...sweeThearT) take too long to say, which throws the flow to my ear. Something with a softer sound at the end (Sweety, Darling) might roll off the tongue better. It could work well with music, but as I can't hear the music, I'm just going with what I hear when read aloud. *Wink*

The "I dress like I'm going to the red carpet" is a little awkward to say too. It isn't a flow problem so much as my tongue doesn't like that combination of words... it didn't flow on any of my read-throughs. I do like the contrast of the red carpet and homeless drug addict though. Quite nice.

Overall, I really love snippets of this poem. "Pop, lock and drop out" is probably the most clever bit... love it, and it sounds great! The third, fourth, and fifth stanzas/verses aren't as strong for me as the first two, but that's just personal preference I suppose. If you make any changes, I'd be happy to give it another read. If you want, you could also shoot me an email to tell me what the "lilac mermaid" is supposed to mean. *Wink* You got me curious.


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Review of Linger  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

Things I Like:

I like the conversational tone used in this poem. It works well for the subject matter.

I like the mention of the "awful song". It's probably the best detail in the poem.

Observations & Suggestions:

The flow here isn't awkward, but it's very choppy. There are really long series of single-syllable words here. In 3 lines, there may be 3-4 words that have 2 syllables and 20+ tiny little one-syllable words. It gives the poem a choppy, monotonous sort of quality. I don't think it's pleasant to the ear or visually appealing, but if the poem is meant to sound a bit "ranty", it works. Short choppy words tend to make people read faster... a rant is fast! *Wink*

Because of the style this poem is written in, there are tons of "I" this and "You" that. Wherever possible, I would try to reword to remove "I"s and "you"s. For example:

"I want you out but all you do is stay"
"I want you out but you stay"

My sentence means the same thing as yours, but it's more concise and eliminates one of the "you"s from the line. It also gives you more room to write something interesting: "I want you out but you stay, festering always" or "ever bothersome" or "nagging, cold" or any number of other things. Use your imagination. *Smile*

This brings me neatly to my next point: There is a lack of imagery and interesting word choice in this poem. There is pretty much zero imagery, which is alright, but with only conversational words, it can be rather dull for the reader... there's no gorgeous words to ponder and no action to draw them in and excite them. These are the only really interesting words I see here at a glance: tragedy, created, hundred, awful song, asleep, dreams, creep, write. That's about it... not many at all for a poem this length.

If I might make a suggestion... think about the "awful song". People can relate to that... they might even hear one in their heads when you mention it in the poem. What else can you say that could get a similar reaction from the audience? Something like "Now you're all I think about / and all I write about" is very straightforward, but it could be very unique. For instance:

"Your face hovers in my mind, pasted to my inner lids, grinning each time I close my eyes" "The words flowing from my pen match the rhythm of your laughter and mimic the cold tone in your voice the last time we spoke..." Things like this could really drag the reader into the poem. They might relate... they might see the images in their minds. It will give them something to think about. These are just examples of course... just wanted to toss some ideas at you so that you'd understand what I mean when I say: think about the "awful song" and what it means to people. *Wink* Not every line needs to be flowery, descriptive, and intense... just a note or two of that awful song here and there would be great!

Overall, I think that the poem shows promise, but there is plenty of room for improvement. A little bit of imagery, a metaphor, a sprinkling of longer words... small changes could make a big difference and make the poem much more engaging. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read. *Smile*


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Review of Eternal Vow  
Review by Cinn
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you're enjoying it here!

Things I Like:

This is a very short poem! The flow is quite good... there were no areas that really tripped up my rhythm when reading, despite the different line lengths. There are places where you could add a word or two if you wanted without harming the flow too, which would be helpful if you decided to play with this piece. Personally, I love rewriting, revising, and editing my poetry... you never know what amazing thing you'll come up with!

Some of the words used here are quite strong too.

Observations & Suggestions:

Lots of the words are staples in poetry that, to me, should be used in a very interesting way if they're used at all: love, eternal, forever, storm. These are used constantly in poetry. Did you do something unique and interesting with them? If you can't honestly say "yes", you may want to think about playing with them some more. *Smile*

Loves eternal vow to me is sown

This poem could easily have proper grammar. That said, I wont harp on it. *Wink*

This line seems to be twisted to make the rhyme fit, and if you untwist it, the general strangeness of the line's meaning becomes clear...

"Love sows its eternal vow to me" Odd. Love is planting a vow to you? The syntax is a bit strange, but the choice of "sown" with "to me" is also odd. On a side note, "is sown" is passive voice, which usually isn't ideal. I would definitely consider playing with this line a bit. Even a small change could make a big difference. By the way, "loves" should be "love's" as its written now.

"its mystery to remain forever unknown" This is a pretty solid line. I might consider using "will" instead of "to" for a stronger statement. It "will remain forever" seems more sure to me, but that is really up to you. It sounds fine as it is.

"upon its wings I am bourn" This is missing a comma after "wings". The line is very solid and flows well. I would think about changing "its" in this line OR in the last line though. It's a bit of repetition that distracted me somewhat. I'd try to think of a synonym for "love" to use in this line, personally.

and carried through the weathered storm

This line seems to be a wee bit off as far as flow goes. It's just slightly long for the rhythm to be super smooth. Not a big problem though... very minor really. The problem I have with this line is "weathered storm". A storm 'weathers' things... it doesn't become "weathered" itself, right? I tend to think of storms as a burst of energy that then dissipates too... no time to become "weathered" or worn. Know what I mean?

Finally, you seem to have quite a few things going on here. "Sown" is a farming/planting type reference. "wings" is more like a bird. Neither have anything to do with "storm". They're all somewhat natural, but they are otherwise not cohesive at all. My suggestion here would be to pick a metaphor and run with it. Make each nature reference about storms, wind, rain, etc... or make them all about sowing seeds, blooming, growth... or make them all about wings, soaring, freedom. Pick one and let it fly. All three together don't work well in my mind.

Overall, I think this is a pretty sounding stream of words, but the meanings are a bit hazy. I'm not entirely sure what you were going for here aside from "pretty sounding", if you know what I mean. There was no real emotional connection for me and no strong cohesive element to pull it all together. It flows like a poem... it rhymes... there are some nice words/phrases. Otherwise, it is a wee bit messy. I'd strongly consider revising this piece, but it's your piece. If you're happy with it, that's what matters! *Smile* If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read.


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Review of Weep  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

I hope you enjoy yourself here (once you return from your holiday-- I hope).

Things I Like:

I like the general vibe. I do tend to like dark pieces!

The tone is melancholy, which is quite nice. Some of the word choices are lovely! I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a poem, a piece of flash fiction, or prose poetry... really, it could be any of them with some basic editing. I suppose I'm saying that the piece has poetic moments, whether intended as poetry or not. *Wink*

You use strong action verbs in this piece. I love that style, personally. It draws a reader into the piece. Shrouds, decimating, charring, searing... all very nice.

Observations & Suggestions:

I think that the opening line could be a bit stronger. I like the idea, but the wording is a bit... bulky I guess. Something like "The days we scream aren't those of trials..."? It would streamline the sentence and make the idea shine in my opinion. Of course, I'm a big fan of concise writing... it's really up to you.

The darkness that shrouds our eyes wake the hidden terrors of our soul, erupting from a core so deep within ourselves we fear it.

There are some issues with this sentence. First, "wake" should be "wakes" because the subject it "darkness"... darkness wakes not wake. Second, "our" is plural, so "soul" and "core" should be "souls" and "cores". Also, using our-our-ourselves is a bit overly wordy for my tastes-- if there is a way to simplify the sentence to remove one of the "our"s, I'd do it. Again, a matter of taste though... it's your opinion that matters.

Speaking of repetitions, this piece is very short. For short work, it may be best to make every word count. Using "wake" three times in such a short piece gets tedious... it might be a good idea to use a different form (awaken?) or something to change it up.

...so deep within ourselves
...so thin and ethereal
...so tight as to replace

These uses of "so" distracted me as well. I'm very sensitive to repetition and patterns. Unless the repetition is beautifully done, it tends to draw me out of the piece. The second one distracted me, and if the piece wasn't almost finished by the time I read the third, I probably would have stopped reading. It seems like such a minor thing, but it's the type of repetition that either drives me a little nuts or bores me. Again, this is completely a personal preference, but I do think that in general, good writing minimizes this type of repetition. Something to think about anyway. *Wink*

Now, compare the repetition of "so" with the repetition of "weep" at the end. 'Weep' is action... it's an emotional sort of word... it's a strong word choice. Repeating it could potentially conjure emotion in the reader. That is repetition with definite potential! Does the repetition of "so" make a statement? Does the repetition of "wake" serve a real purpose? Wake could be repeated effectively! It's a matter of placement. Say, the first and last lines... that might make a real impact. Basically what I'm saying is: make every word count and be purposeful about what you repeat. In such a short piece, it can make an enormous difference! *Smile*

Fear, anger, panic are a second skin worn so tight as to replace humanity. Weep, if you have it within you.

If you have what within you? Humanity? That is the closest thing that it could be modifying, but I get the feeling that you mean "weep, if you have fear, anger, and pain within you"... right? If so, it should be "them" or "these" or something plural. Replacing it with something specific could help too, as just "them" reads a little funny there: "these feelings" or "this conflict" or "the pain", for instance.

Overall, I think this piece shows promise! An edit for grammar and some minor line revision could really add to the readability and enjoyment factors for me, but you should certainly do what makes you happy. It's your piece after all! *Smile*


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Review of Diagnosis  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Happy WDC B-day! *Smile*

I was just poking through your port, and the description of this piece looked interesting. I also love flash fiction! After reading it, I figured I might as well give it a review. *Wink*

Things I Like:

I like the general premise. A guy may or may not have killed his wife, two doctors are discussing it behind a two-way mirror. Interesting idea.

Most of the dialogue seems pretty natural.

If Josh was just staring straight at the mirror through the entire conversation between the doctors, I think that's pretty creepy. *Wink*

I do like ambiguous stories that are left open to interpretation.

Observations & Suggestions:

This story might have been a bit too open to interpretation for me. I can't say that I really have any idea what happened at the end. Someone mentioned "McCray", whoever that is, and then Josh... what? Switched to a split personality of his? Implicated the doctor? Snapped at the doctors who were never really there and just argued in his head? What?

Most of the dialogue here said the same thing: I think he killed his wife. I'm not sure if he killed his wife. He was covered in blood. He had the knife. It seemed like almost every detail was repeated to some degree or other, while the parts that were interesting weren't elaborated on. What was Josh's reaction to seeing the knife? I'd rather know what he did than find out he hadn't reacted to anything since then. Who is McCray... what was his testimony? For that matter, why were they already at trial if the month of observation wasn't over yet?

As I said... this story had loads of ambiguity. I do like being able to speculate, but this story raised far more questions than it answered.

Further complicating matters, you have 10 lines of dialogue between the doctors and only tell us who is speaking twice. That can get pretty confusing. A reader can assume that they took turns speaking to each other, so Dr. Mongs spoke first and said each odd numbered line. That would mean in the 5th line of dialogue, Mong said "I believe he does recall killing her" and then says he isn't sure if Josh killed her at all in the 9th line of dialogue. That's a super fast turnaround. If you streamlined the conversation a bit (cut down on the "did he?" "I think so" "I don't" "I'm not sure" stuff-- a line or two would be enough), you could put in some tags to tell us who is speaking once in a while.

Some other random things:

Dr. Phillips studied Josh through the two way mirror, who sat in a chair

The mirror didn't sit in the chair, right? I'd say this calls for rearranging. "Through the two-way mirror, Dr. Phillips studied Josh, who sat in a chair".

I doubt it. I mean to him, waking up with blood all over your clothes and finding your wife dead was very traumatic

As written now, there should be a comma after "I mean" to prevent confusion when reading. I'd suggest this change actually:

"I mean, waking up with blood...was very traumatic [for him]."

Overall, I don't know that I understood the ending well enough to say that I really "got" the story beyond: this dude may or may not be crazy and may or may not have killed his wife. The piece left me questioning nearly everything, and the lack of tags to tell the reader who was speaking got odd after a while-- both because of the confusion and because stories tend to flow strangely with nothing but dialogue for extended periods of time. Basically, you sparked my interest and managed to keep it for quite a while, but there was no payoff for me. I'd be very interested in giving this another read if you decide to revise the story. It would be interesting to know what you intended, since I can inevitably think of a bunch of things that could be what you intended. *Wink* So, if you edit, let me know!


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Review of Motherless  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I've looked at a few of your poems, and I decided to review this one. I think your writing shows promise, but I have some recommendations as well. *Smile*

Some things I Like:

I like the juxtaposition of the 'motherless child' and the 'childless mother'. It's an eloquent way to describe both sides of the story.

The story itself is sad but hopeful and could be very powerful.

I think that you have some really nice elements of storytelling throughout. You've managed to tell a pretty complete story in very few words... I can appreciate a narrative poem, and this has just enough story to qualify in my opinion.

Observations & Suggestions:

Your use of pronouns can be a bit confusing at times, as both the mother and child seem to be female. For instance:

Praying she'll learn from this time that she must spend away
Because her child needs her now with her she needs to stay

Now, these lines use 3 "she"s and 3 "her"s... that may be too many for just two lines and could cause confusion as well. Synonyms are wonderful things and can create a better character for the reader to latch onto. Is the mother young, old? Thin, fat? Frail, robust? Describe her. Same with the child. It would break up the monotony of the pronouns and give readers something more to relate to. A "she" could be "the distraught woman" or "fragile child" or "hopeful daughter", etc.

Another easy way to remove some is by simplifying your lines. Concise can be more powerful at times, and tightening the lines could be very helpful and make the piece more readable. For instance, the "time that she must spend away" could be said in much more concise fashion: "time spent away". Simple, straightforward, and no pronoun needed. Some more examples of line tightening that might make the poem more effective:

The motherless child sitting there crying and she's feeling so all alone

The "sitting, crying, feeling" is a bit monotonous and makes the line lengthier than necessary to get your meaning across. Less is often more in poetry. I might suggest something like this:

"The motherless child sits and cries, feeling all alone"

It says the same thing but cuts a pronoun (she) and streamlines the line. The shorter version also would allow you to add more detail if you chose, for instance:

"The motherless child sits in the bunk and cries, feeling all alone" This has the same number of syllables and may draw a reader into the poem... what bunk? This isn't an amazing change or anything, but it serves as an example. Tighten those lines and you can pack some more detail, and therefore more emotional attachment, into the poem for the readers. It also offers the opportunity to include more imagery.

Another area for improvement: punctuation. I know that grammar isn't fun, but proper punctuation would help this piece greatly. Commas and periods tell the reader when to pause in their reading (which can add dramatic effect as well as ease of reading), and periods are just as useful. This piece switches points of view from mother to daughter... periods could help indicate to the reader that the change is about to occur.

For a piece like this, you can punctuate just as you would a paragraph in a story. If you want more help with that, some people on WDC offer classes, and I would even be willing to help you myself... just email me. An example:

The motherless child there watching the door hoping it will open soon

This line is very awkward when read aloud, but it wouldn't be so difficult to read or jarring to the ear with proper punctuation. The "there" is awkward in general actually, and the "watching / hoping" is as odd sounding as it was in the other line I mentioned... so I might suggest this:

"The motherless child watches the door, hoping it will open soon."

First, the comma and period provide the reader with much needed pauses. Second, this creates action. The child watches. Action verbs tend to draw a reader in and push them along when reading a poem. It keeps them interested.

I like the end of the poem... it has a hopeful, lovely sentiment. I was surprised that it ended happily because the tone was rather desolate throughout, but it was a nice surprise I suppose.

Overall, the story, flow, and tone are good. The rhymes don't seem forced for the most part. I didn't really feel connected to either the mother or child when reading, and I didn't feel anything when reading the poem either. I do think that the piece requires some editing and polish. My general philosophy when revising poetry: save a copy and play with it... save another copy and play with it some more. Eventually, you will end up with a piece that draws an emotional response from the reader. Good luck if you decide to revise.

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470
Review of Watchful Tree  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Happy WDC B-Day, and Happy holidays as well! *Smile*

Some things I Like:

The opening lines are strong. I had to keep reading after that first line... it drew me in. Quite effective!

The "Branching cells inside...pull & fall" is a gorgeous stanza! The flow is perfect, and every individual word aside from a single 'that' carries punch. Amazing word choice here.

The repeated line at the end is well written, and I love the meaning as well. This is repetition done correctly... it calls attention to the message, and the interjection of the 'rock, scissors, paper' reference is not only beautifully written but reinforces the connection to childhood (innocent, school begins, grade six... and a child's game). It also breaks the repetition just enough to create even more impact on the reader. Very nice in general. Love it!

A small note: I also like the wording of 'grade six' rather than 'sixth grade'. It fits the voice of the poem quite well.

The flow and wording are strong throughout, and I appreciate both very much.

Observations & Suggestions:

The only minor issues I have with this piece relate to presentation rather than the writing itself. The italicized like "or sits alone" is quite nice, but the italicized "closed" appears so close to that line that it is visually unappealing. I might suggest increasing the spacing to draw attention to the word... or possibly a deeply staggered line break. Something other than italics for the word would be nice.

I also don't think that the "..." is necessary at the end of the "whipping leaves" line. I love mid-sentence stanza breaks, but I usually find the addition of "..." distracting. Anyone seriously reading the poem would know that the line continues without the punctuation telling us so.

Overall, I love the poem! I am always happy to stumble upon good poetry on WDC. I guarantee that I'll be back to read more. *Wink*

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471
471
Review of Grampy's Girl  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
It just occurred to me that I've never given you a "real" review. About time I did! *Wink*

Some things I Like:

I'm not sure what you did to the story, but it is much smoother now. The beginning is super enjoyable. The end is very cute. I noticed a few small grammar things that I thought I'd mention, but otherwise, the only thing I would consider changing now is a bit of the organization.

Observations & Suggestions:

No one in their right mind would challenge him. My Grandmother, being the typical subservient wife of that era.

The "My grandmother" line isn't a complete sentence. A few fragments here and there are fine in a piece like this (in my opinion) because of the voice used to tell the story-- pretty formal with hints of color here and there. Still, you could do something like this:

"My grandmother, being the typical subservient wife of that era, would never challenge him. No one in their right mind would, in fact." Or something like that. It makes the sentences complete anyway.

My Grandfather was your typical Italian man. Loving family fiercely, but ruling with an iron hand.

This is similar. The "loving family" line is a fragment. Again, it isn't a big deal so long as they are just occasional. Still, this one is very easy to "fix".

"My [g]randfather was your typical Italian man, loving family fiercely but ruling with an iron hand." This is perfectly grammatically correct.

We talked about the rules for capitalizing family members yesterday, so I would guess you wouldn't have edited this again since then. The "grandfather" here isn't capitalized because it isn't being used as a name. You also don't need the comma before the but. You only need a comma in front of but in a few instances... primarily, if what follows the but is a complete sentence. *Smile*

The Organization:

The long "as told to me" part breaks up the action of the "story" more than the first italicized part. Rather than shorten the section, as I know it is important for both you and the story, I would consider reorganizing. Just moving one paragraph (the "at his usual game day" paragraph) and a few minor line revisions. Let me spin an idea for you:

The little girl knocks grampy down, helps him up, family freaks. Section ends with "I would be the victim of his wrath for what I had done..."

That could lead perfectly into the section about why. For a minute, let's take out the "at his usual game day" flashback.

So... the first section ends with "I would be the victim". Go right into "My grandfather was your typical" paragraph but add a line to the end. Something like this maybe:

She was much like her father in her stubborn ways and probably the most difficult of the five. I learned later that her stubbornness played a role in my becoming the apple of grampy's eye.

Shortly after I was conceived..

So, the line I wrote to transition from one paragraph to the next isn't perfect, but you see how that would make it a smooth transition and keep the action going? Basically, that long section would really become part of this story, at least in my mind. I don't think it would even need italics anymore if you do a minor tweak to the paragraph after this section... like:

I became the light of my grandfather's life.

My family may have resented the special treatment at times. Those gathered at the table gradually returned to their various conversations.

The "at his usual game day perch" paragraph could be added much earlier. Example:

...He accepted my outreached hand and together we righted him again.

He had been standing at his usual game day perch listening to the Indians... ... ... to the chagrin of my grandmother.

"How many times have I told you to stop that horseplay, Tilda?

This slight revision of how the sentence starts "He had been standing" makes this a natural part of the story... no italics needed. The "to the chagrin of my grandmother" also neatly introduces the grandmother's scolding. So... what do you think? hehehe

All of this may seem far more complicated than it is. I can toss the story together using this type of organization and send it to you if it would help you see what I mean. *Wink*

So overall... I think your revisions were great! The organization stuff just struck me as I read it this time. That tends to be something I'm good at: technical junk like organization and transitions. I'm sure we'll talk about this more in a little bit, but for now, review finis! *Smile*

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472
472
Review of Broken  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Okay, I know I said that I would get to this later. I lied. *Wink* I gave it a read intended to review it later, but I might as well review it now.

Some things I Like:

This is a mildly disturbing little story, and I love things like that! I tend to write melancholy, mildly disturbing flash fiction myself. *Thumbsup*

Your word choice is great! There are so much beautiful phrasing that it's hard to choose just what to mention.

The intro sentence is quite strong! I especially love the "second hand matching my faltering heartbeat". Very eloquent. It's the type of line that makes me wish I had written it.

The chill taking root in the bones is another detail that made me smile. I've heard similar things before, but the wording doesn't strike me as cliche. It's a nice balance of common idea and interesting description.

The final line sums up the piece nicely, and I really love the wording for the second half of it.

Observations & Suggestions:

This could use some minor editing. Since it's short, I'll do a line by line.

Time itself begun to slow Wrong form of "begin" here. It is either 'had begun' or 'began'. In this case, it would be 'began'.

The ground beneath me was cold and a chill took root in my bones. Great line! The "was" is a little weak though. You could use a more interesting word there if you wanted. "felt cold" seems like the most obvious to me. This is also a compound sentence that needs a comma after 'cold'. If you don't like that, you could play with the line some... "cold, the chill taking root in my bones", for instance. There are lots of ways to say it.

back into the shadows, with their muffled voices carried This seemed like a bit of awkward syntax to me. The issue may be that this phrase isn't close enough to what it modifies (nightmares). Right now, it looks like it is talking about 'shadows'. The easiest fix that I can see:

"...my back shielding me from my nightmares[, muffled voices carrying on the wind as they retreated]..." or you could create a new sentences here if you want to keep the wording intact. "...from my nightmares. Muffled voices carried on the wind as they..."

On a side note, the "my me my" distracted me a bit. It seems like maybe "the nightmares" would be sufficient here. Or "shielding myself from the nightmares" could streamline the entire thing. Regardless of how you do it, I would try to remove one of the 'my's.

Tonight was the night I died and my world was turned to ash by monsters disguised as men. I do love this line, but there are a few things that stood out to me for the wrong reasons. "Tonight was the night" is a very common sort of phrase, and I'm not wild about how it sounds. The repetition seems to make light of the moment. This may just be me though... I hear a teenage girl talking about a boy she has a crush on or something. "Tonight was the night! My first date with John" or "Tonight was the night that I would finally let him do it".

I think "Tonight I died" is interesting. Tonight is the present or future... it would make someone thing of what was about to happen, so the past tense "died" seems striking to me. Some would probably say that it's just grammatically wrong though. hehe

"my world was turned" is passive voice. Just "turned" is the active form. The easiest way to make it active voice (which is generally stronger) is to turn the subject into the thing that is doing the action. I.E. "Monsters disguised as men turned my world to ash."

I am not sure I love the idea of moving the "monsters" phrase to the beginning of the line though. I might consider: "my world turned to ash [at the hands of] monsters disguised.." or something like that. I don't love the phrasing of "at the hands of" either. I just meant to show you a few ways to change that passive voice to active. I hate to see passive voice slipping in there at such a crucial moment.

Overall, I love it! It needs a little editing, but 5 minutes ought to do it! *Smile*


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473
473
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you come back to see the reviews people have left for you!

Some things I Like:

You have some lovely moments in this poem! I especially like the idea of her being crosses, you being noughts, and hoping for a draw. Clever, sweet, and simple!

Observations & Suggestions:

I love the first stanza, but the repetition of "she" seems entirely unnecessary to me. It makes the stanza bulkier than it could be, and the word itself isn't interesting to look at or hear. "She drinks like a fish / smokes like a chimney / knows all the codes of my heart"... much sleeker. The "to get in me" has no focal point for me, no interesting word to draw my attention. Something like "to get inside" would work a bit better, as "inside" is more interesting sounding that "in". I don't think the "me" is necessary since it seems that you're talking about her getting into your heart.

The sudden rhyming threw me for a minute. The first stanza is the strongest in the poem, in my opinion, and it doesn't rhyme. Why add a rhyme scheme all of a sudden? *Wink*

I love the "eyes like the sea" detail, but what does the color of her eyes have to do with "walking about"? These seem like random thoughts stuck together or something. *Wink* "the wants of my needs" is a rather strange phrase. Your needs have their own wants? That is what the line says right now. Something like "Knowing my wants, the need to be free" would make more sense to me, but I'm not sure if that is what you mean. I do think the line needs some kind of tweaking.

"of my ever thoughts" is another phrase that seems odd to me. I've never seen "ever" used in quite this way before. If you mean "constant thoughts", I think you could find a better way to say it. If that isn't what you mean, I definitely think a change could make your meaning more clear!

I love "She being crosses - I being noughts"! I'm usually not a fan of "being" used like this, but it works here. As mentioned before, I like the metaphor too.

The final line also has odd phrasing. "that I most hope for best". I think what you're going for here is "The best I can hope for is a draw"... right? If so, this line is rather twisty and weird. I think I'd rewrite it to smooth it out and make the meaning clearer. The syntax is questionable, but I like the idea (if that is actually what you meant).

Overall, I think this is a sweet little poem! It needs a bit of revision, but it's a good effort and could be very good with a bit more work. *Smile*

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474
474
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

You have some interesting word choice in this poem. The "soft lips dip into my virgin skin" is strange but intriguing, for instance.

I like most of what you have to say in this poem, but I think it could use a little polish.

Observations & Suggestions:

This is a very short poem, which means to me that every word should count. The more concise the wording, the better a short poem will be in my book.

I am not familiar to the touch of hands

First, "familiar to" is odd... I think "with" is a more appropriate preposition to use here. That said, this line is longer than it needs to be. Tightening up the wording could really make the line stronger. For example:

"I am unfamiliar with the touch of hands"

Or

"Inexperienced lover[,]
unfamiliar with the touch of hands.
Your hands."

This is not a major change, but it would make a big difference. Any small words that you remove will make those that remain shine.

I do really like the "touch of hands / your hands". It is the best part of the poem, in my opinion. It is well done repetition, an art that some poets have a difficult time mastering.

euphoria takes over my dream While this line is pretty sounding, the "dream" threw me a bit. What dream? I could understand euphoria taking over your thoughts, mind, reality, or anything else... but the word 'dream' to me could only mean a few things. 1. the person is daydreaming and suddenly started enjoying his/herself, 2. the person is asleep, or 3. the person is contemplating the future. I cannot imagine any of these being the case.

My spiritual high has reached its breaking point,
and this experience is unworldly.

I do like the end of the poem, but this is another place where less is more. Some line tightening could make the lines much more effective.

"My spiritual high reaches its breaking point" Does removing "has" change the meaning? Not much. If anything, it makes the reader more involved in the poem. The "has reached" just made it seem like it is all over rather than a lasting sort of experience.

"The experience is unworldly" This would be a lovely and very strong way to end the poem the "and this" is an uninteresting and unnecessary phrase here. Why not just jump straight to the point? It is also visually more appealing to use a simple 'the' rather than 'and this'.

Overall, I think that this could be an amazing poem. It would really only take 5 minutes worth of revision to get it there. It's certainly a good start! *Smile*


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475
475
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

For just "playing with words", you have some lovely lines and ideas in this poem. At the moment, it's difficult to say what I like about it, so I'll just get down to reviewing. *Smile*

Be forewarned: I'm a bit on the tired side (insomnia rears its ugly head). If anything I say in the review doesn't make much sense, email me! hehe

Observations & Suggestions:

The opening stanza caught my attention. I particularly like the "moving in and moving on" line. I might consider changing the final line to "dreams and fears" though, as most of the poem seems to deal with more fear than dreams.

I like the next stanza, but if the poem was mine, I would play with this a bit.

"Awake, alive, / and alone / to wander, wishing / and ranting, / splitting open.."

There are sooo many ways to break these lines, change the word forms, and otherwise play with this stanza... I love the possibilities. I think that I would definitely make the "splitting open" line a part of the "sentence" in the second stanza. It can still be set on its own, but it seems odd to me that it is its own sentence at the moment.

It would make more sense to me for the "Splitting open into daydreams" line to come directly before the "Am I nonsense?" line. These are two of my favorite lines in the poem, and they seem to go together. I might consider moving the "What am I trying" line to the end of the stanza, placing it just after "unmentioned and bashful". Right now, I don't think that the "I can't take the moment" line adds much to this poem. A rewrite or just eliminating it may be a good idea. It's lacking any sort of feeling for me.

I love the "Equal parts" line! I quite like the entire stanza really. That first line though is long enough to derail the flow. I'd consider breaking the line after "parts". The last line in the stanza is the weakest of the three. It is alright, but it seems to be missing something. I couldn't say what though. *Wink*

Love the "Nothing to ease... / on the back" lines. I might break the line between 'heavy' and 'breath' though. The words "on the"... it's just sort of a weak way to begin a line. The "I'm ashamed" is well placed in the poem, and setting it in it's own stanza makes the emotion pretty strong. It looks lonely and ashamed.

The "raw fact of life" doesn't flow very well, but I like the phrasing to some extent. I would play with this a bit. This stanza tells much of the poem's story, but the wording is a bit loose here and there. It is far bulkier than any part of the poem up to this point. "all I am and all I'll ever be"... these are all short words that sound repetitive, and I'm not convinced that it's effective, though I do like the meaning here. I thought the "everyone's personal unescapable mystery" was interesting, as "everyone" and "personal" seem to be contrasting terms. I don't really agree with the sentiment (not everyone considers it a mystery... some feel sure that they know what happens-- afterlives and all of that), but I'm not really critiquing the content so much as the writing of the content. *Wink* On a side note, I believe the word is "inescapable".

The next stanza is a bit bulky too. There are many small, rather uninteresting words in there. "The only thing I have on my side" is very conversational sounding, and there is not a single interesting word present. The entire beginning of the poem is packed full of interesting words... you didn't run out of them, did you? The last two lines are much the same. They're just a bit on the boring side.

At this point, I honestly think that I would end the poem with "I'm ashamed". It is the last strong line you had. It would drastically change the meaning of the poem as a whole though, so I suppose the best thing to do would be to rewrite the last three stanzas... make them more interesting. Pepper them with the types of spicy words you used in the beginning. Create an ending worthy of this poem.

Overall, I really like the beginning and middle. The meaning of the last few stanzas works for me, but the execution is rocky. I think a thorough revision could definitely improve this poem! That said, I really enjoy revising this type of poem! You have lots of good ideas and strongly worded phrases to play with... so have fun with it! *Smile*

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