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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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401
401
Review of Train  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I know this is an older piece, but I thought I'd give it a review anyway. I was trolling through the Random Review and it caught my eye.

Some things I Like:

This is a beautiful piece! Your have so many moments of excellent writing here that it is hard to choose just a few, but I'll try. Some favorites:

"Music, laughter, and cheering encompassed the air and my soul." Love it... though "encompassed" seems slightly odd when referring to air for some reason.

"It's disturbing when you fear living more than death." I chose this one for a few reasons. First, the voice is distinct in this line, as it is through the entire piece. It is in the same conversational tone as the rest of the story. It is also a sad, powerful line. Again, the story is full of them.

You used tons of fitting before and after imagery and details. It works well. The comparison never grows stale.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Sounds of gunshots, men in bunks weeping quietly, and a rustling in the trees that made your skin grow cold ate at your mind and spirit."

I got so wrapped up in the details here that I forgot how the sentence began by the time I got to "grow cold ate". I stumbled there for that reason... I wasn't expecting the predicate to show up anymore.

You have some odd uses for semi-colons in here.

"and I know I’ll see Mama pacing at the station with a plate full of oatmeal cookies; just like the ones she handed me before I boarded the train"

This doesn't even need a comma, let alone a semi-colon.

"Four years ago, I was anxious to fight for our country, and I’d do it in a heartbeat again; though, that heart has irreversably changed."

This could (and should) be a comma as well. You also don't need a comma after "though". It isn't an interjection unless you want it to be. "Irreversably" is typo'd by the way. It's 'irreversibly'.

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. It has some really poignant moments. The details are great. The writing itself is really lovely. Occasionally, I would run across a small snag like those I mentioned above, but they didn't detract much from the experience. Still, you might want to give it a polish sometime. It never hurts to revise an old piece once in a while. *Smile*

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402
402
Review of The sorrow  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* If you need any help finding your way around or have any questions, I'd be happy to help. Just shoot me an email.

Things I Like:

Your descriptions are great in this piece, and you managed to pack lots of details into the story without going overboard with adjectives and adverbs, which is nice.

I love the opening line. It isn't super unique, winds reaching through her jacket and into her bones, but it was well written and sets the tone for the piece.

I think that most people could relate to this on some level.

You gave just enough "story" here. We don't need to know how long she has been performing her vigil or more detail about the person who died. It's concise and fine as it is.

Observations & Suggestions:

Some of your sentences got a bit awkward here and there.

"Standing silent vigil for as long as her body could stand it was her ritual while in this place." I had to read this one a few times. This is really twisted, but untwisting it would still leave the sentence awkward. If there is a way to revise so that the subject is more evident, that would help the clarity.

"On schedule, as the distant sounds from the nearby town took up their predetermined rhythm, she began to move from foot to foot to get the circulation to return." This is really awkward too. I had to read this one quite a few times before I got any connection at all between the town and her moving foot to foot. Again, it's a clarity issue. I'd consider:

"On schedule, the distant sounds from the nearby town took up their predetermined rhythm, as she began..." This makes the connection more obvious. Right now, it reads as though she was moving foot to foot on schedule. The comma'd off clause in there leads to some confusion.

Overall, I quite like this piece. There are moments when the wording is a bit verbose for what it really says. I might edit once just for extraneous words and phrasing. Like that "took up the predetermined rhythm"... "took up" is a bit clunky. All it really means is "began", which would make it cleaner. Tiny changes like this could make the entire piece more pleasant to read. Readability is important... you don't want to exhaust readers with phrasing that is longer than needed. Decluttering will also help make the important parts shine. "took up" isn't exactly a key phrase. Know what I mean? Anyway, just some polish here and there and this will be an excellent piece. *Thumbsup*

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403
403
Review of The Champ  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I found this item using the random review function. I tend to like flash fiction, so I thought I'd give it a read.

Some things I Like:

Your descriptions are nice. I particularly liked the description of the injuries at the end, but there were nice details throughout.

I didn't care about or feel bad for the character, but I didn't dislike him either.

I like that you added some details about boxing that seemed authentic. Like the ref shaking his gloves. The first line also set the story up pretty well... I understood immediately what was going on.

Observations & Suggestions:

The fact that the one Motown mentioned in the beginning who promptly took down the narrator suddenly became twins seemed odd to me. I wondered if the narrator was actually fighting two people for some reason or if it was a double-vision type of effect. It confused me a little. I love the idea of seeing double after a big blow, but I might introduce it before mentioning the "twins" if that really is the case.

There are some grammar issues in here. Missing commas and things. You tend to use some passive voice as well.

"I came forward, dodged, weaved, faked a left and followed with a blistering right upper-cut, and the next thing I knew I was on my ass and Motown was doing the bunny hop back to his corner."

This is a run-on sentence. "Morton was doing...corner." is a sentence, which makes three stuck together. The "was doing" here means the same thing as "did". You might as well make it active voice rather than passive if it is that easy to fix.

"as I was trying my best to pick up speed backwards" Same here. "as I tried" is the same thing.

"In front of me was Big Mackie the Motown Marvel waving his red gloves at me to come forward."

This line is just awkward and more confusing than it needs to be. I'd revise. "In front of me, Big Mackie the Motown Marvel waved his gloves at me..." awkwardness gone.

I was hoping for some kind of twist at the end. Or maybe a really harsh or funny line. Something that would jump out at me. I think the end is amusing, but it wasn't a 'wow moment' or anything. No suggestion for a change here... just thought I'd mention it.

Overall, I think this is a pretty engaging piece. It needs an edit for grammar and clarity-- some of the grammar problems cause clarity issues, so you'd kill two birds with one stone. *Smile* Even as it is, it was a pretty fun read because of all the details you packed into the piece.

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404
Review of Take Out  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" ! *Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

First, I just have to say... Mmmmmm, Chinese food! *Laugh*

The opening stanza is very good. It caught my attention, and I really wanted to hear where you would go with it. It's a nice hook, in other words. Your word choice is also spectacular in the intro. Very nice imagery, and the "cheesy, brushstroke font" line made me smile. Easy to picture that.

The second stanza expresses a feeling that I personally know all too well. I'm sure others can relate as well. I also like your description of the scent.

The flow is good for the most part as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The use of "cheesy" threw me for a second. White cartons with a red dragon? That can only mean Chinese food. When I saw "cheesy" I was in a food state of mind, and it confused me because they don't use much cheese in Chinese cuisine. At least, I definitely don't associate it with cheese. Know what I mean? I understand what you're saying (like Zappa's "All that we got's here is American made. It's a little bit cheesy, but it's nicely displayed" cheesy), but my initial reaction was confusion. No suggestion for a change. I just thought I'd let you know that people might make a food connection there.

I love the first line of the third stanza, and the last two lines of the stanza are a fitting way to close. The lines between them didn't do much for me. They don't play with the senses as much as the rest of the poem, which isn't awful, but that is really one of the poem's strengths. Without those rich, sensory words, the word choice falls a wee bit flat in this section of the stanza.

The "It never sits well an hour later" line was a bit long for the flow and slightly awkward when reading aloud. It also seemed more conversational in tone than the rest of the poem, but just by a small degree. I tend to be a little sensitive to that in general. I would consider tweaking that line if it was mine, if for no other reason than it throws off the rhythm.

"Each blissful bite / carries a reminder / I'll regret this."

Somehow this was a little awkward for me on the first read. I had to read it a few times before I understood the connection really. The lack of punctuation and the exact phrasing combined into a "what?" moment for me. *Laugh* The "reminder" is that you'll regret it. So... I'd use a colon there.

"Each blissful bite / carries a reminder: / I'll regret this"

I might consider changing "a" to "the" as well. Somehow, it just seems natural to me with a "the", but it doesn't matter all that much. The meaning would still be roughly the same, after all. *Wink*

Overall, I think this is a fun poem. It amused me. *Smile* I like the imagery, lots of people can relate to the topic (who hasn't regretted Chinese takeout?), your word choice is really strong at time. It's a pretty solid poem and an enjoyable read. *Thumbsup* I dig it.

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405
405
Review of Free Verse Poetry  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, love! *Smile*

I'm reviewing a folder for "The Challenge"  and figured I would look through friend ports until I found one that needed a review. Found one! *Wink*

Looking through the list of poems in this folder, I realized that I have read about half of them before. I think that more than qualifies me to review the folder, huh? *Laugh* Of course, I think that folders deserve high ratings if the content in them is good at all. Your poems are good, so the folder clearly deserves 5 stars.

Not much more to say, really. You know I dig your poetry. I love free verse. Done. *Heart*



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406
406
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Since SAJ's contest challenge requires us to review members of SAJ, not just packages, I figured that I had free reign to review whatever I wanted for the 5 people I chose. I've been trying to review more contests, blogs, activities, folders... the types of things that people rarely review.

Just now, it occurred to me that I have never reviewed the Welcome Wagon. *Shock*

First, I have to say that I absolutely adore the Welcome Wagon. I love reviewing newbies above all other types of reviews I give. That is why I do so many of them when I have the time. Clearly, this activity is a fitting place for me to be.

In general, it is awesome to have a place that rewards people for doing something nice for new people. The fact that people do not have to affiliate with a group to post them here encourages them even more. To be honest, I would still review for the Welcome Wagon all the time even if I did have to affiliate, but not everyone would, I suppose.

I have sent traffic your way and keep trying to do so... lots of newbies who might feel most comfortable reviewing other new people. The gp is a nice incentive for them to give people reviews, and we all know that once you do a bunch of them, reviewing becomes almost like second nature. Somehow, it is also less intimidating for them to know that they don't have to join a group.

Basically, I love the NWW. I'm a fan. I have been forever. It isn't just the fact that I can get extra gp (which I inevitably end up spending on newbies anyway). That's nice, but it isn't why I do it. Anniversary Reviews is the same type of program, but I have only done a few for them. New people will not stay on WDC if they never get reviews. The Welcome Wagon helps ensure that they will. It is a cause I care about. You're providing a great service for new people, and I'm sure that if they were aware of it, they would really appreciate it. Cheers!

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407
407
Review of The Hapless King  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of BillieGail memory of Cheyenne 's shower from "Invalid Item" ! She donated it to a newbie.*Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

First, I have to tell you that I'm not a fantasy fan. That is why I didn't read this piece the last time I was poking around in your portfolio. *Wink* I did tell you that if I had anything to say about the piece that I would though, so here I am.

I think that the last line is very strong. It is amusing while at the same time, a reader can't help but feel for him. You built the story up nicely from beginning to end.

This is also a pretty interesting little take on the King Arthur story. It is much more interesting to see the character's self-doubt than being a hero yet again.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some areas for improvement as far as the technical writing goes. For instance, you don't call Arthur by name, so I found myself wondering if "he" was actually Arthur. You could make that clear from the beginning. Additionally, using his name here and there would eliminate some of the pronouns. You use "he" a whole lot here. I'm sensitive to pronouns and repetition, so repetitive pronoun use is not ideal for me. *Wink*

Rather than focus on the whole story here, I'm just going to focus in-depth in one area. If the goal is to become a better writer, it will help, regardless of where I choose to focus. Besides, the opening paragraph is the hook. The more perfect you can make it, the better the chance someone will continue reading.

"The lords are waiting; he can hear them whispering their discontent in rough, hoarse voices. They feign nonchalance while rearranging their shoulder plates and tap their fingers on the pommels of their swords. Half a year ago they were clamouring for a new king. Watch them now, waiting for him to fail."

"are waiting" is passive voice. Passive voice is a form of "to be" coupled with a verb. So... are waiting, were waiting, is waiting... all passive voice. This one is super easy to fix. Active voice is usually preferable because it has more action. "The lords wait." Simple... means exactly the same thing. There is more drama without the extra "are -ing".

"The lords...; he can hear" This threw me. The lords are plural, he is singular. I was jolted immediately. If you use a semi-colon, the second sentence should be some kind of continuation of the first. That is true here, but it doesn't read that way immediately.

Similar to the "are waiting"... "can hear" means the same thing as "hears" really. Why not just use "hears"? Remember what I said in my last review: less is sometimes more. Conciseness can be a great benefit to you.

What you really have here is a complex sentence that says something very simple. Let the sentence structure you choose reflect what you're trying to say. Structure is really important. Peek at this rewrite:

"He hears them, the lords whispering their discontent in rough, hoarse voices."

"The lords are waiting; he can hear them whispering their discontent in rough, hoarse voices."

Now, I cut the fact that the lords were waiting, but everything else seems to be intact. You could even say "the waiting lords whispering" to get that in too. Mine is 12 words, while yours is 15 and has a more complicated structure. This is the type of streamlining and conciseness that I think would really strengthen your writing. I'm not suggesting that you use my rewrite. I was just showing you how different this could be... short and clear.

"Half a year ago they were clamouring for a new king." Comma after "ago", as that is a phrase added to the beginning of the sentence. A comma will show readers that the sentence really begins at "they". "were clamoring" is also passive voice. "they clamored for a new king" or the "had clamored for a new king". No "to be" required. *Smile*

"They feign nonchalance while rearranging their shoulder plates and tap their fingers on the pommels of their swords." This is the strongest line in the intro by far. It is a straightforward type of sentence. A compound predicate, but otherwise very simple.

The short line at the end works well. It varies the sentence length a bit, which is good. "Watch now" seems like a weird 2nd person POV that only happens once in this story. I would avoid speaking directly to the reader, as you don't do it in the rest of the story.

Overall, I think that you have a cool idea here, and you show moments of really nice wording and storytelling. I would strongly recommend revising for clarity. I tend to be very flowery with my language too, but cleaning it up... cutting out the bulk and making the piece concise... can really help make reading effortless. I hope that you can use some of the things that I pointed out in the intro to help you edit the rest of the piece. Really, I hope that this was helpful in general! *Smile*


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408
408
Review of Sirena  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of BillieGail memory of Cheyenne 's shower from "Invalid Item" ! She donated it to a newbie.*Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

You use very emotive language in this piece. It is quite lovely at times. In many ways, it reads like prose poetry.

The opening sentence had a nice hook. A swaying song... it's nice. That opening sentence would be stronger without the meandering length, but it is still an effective hook.

The ending is fitting. It doesn't give me chills or make me feel sorry for him or anything like that, but it seems like a reasonable way to conclude the piece.

Observations & Suggestions:

If viewed as a short story, I have to say that it isn't as impressive. There is no strong characterization, an exceptionally brief "plot", and a bunch of imagery. By the standards used to measure a story, it isn't super strong. I adore mircofiction and read it all the time... this isn't one of the strongest I've read.

As a prose poem, however, the piece is quite excellent. Again, the imagery is good. The poetic view of the alluring song and final moments of the sailor's life are very nice. It has a natural sort of flow that is somewhere between fiction and poetry. All of the elements are there. So, I choose to view this as an excellent prose poem rather than a slightly below average short story.

Your sentence structures are really heavy here. The semicolon in the first epic-length sentence is overkill (more effective to use a semi-colon for shorter sentences). Each sentence is quite long, and by the end, I was sometimes a bit lost. That is not a good sign, but it is, again, common in poetry-- that is why people analyze it so much. In general, this piece reads like one huge run-on sentence that was broken in two places because it had to be. Take a breathe. It can still seem like it was over in a flash if there are a couple more sentences in there. *Wink*

Honestly... I think that it would be helpful for varied sentence structure AND clarity if you just made "its unbearable beauty fills my eyes with tears" its own sentence. This is a romantic style... heavy on adjectives and strong, dramatic word choice. Give readers a little break between thoughts. It will make the piece more enjoyable to read.

Overall, I think this is quite good. With 5 minutes worth of editing it could be even better. Still, it was a nice little read. *Smile*

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409
Review of love  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of BillieGail memory of Cheyenne 's shower from "Invalid Item" ! She donated it to a newbie. *Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

You have some nice sentiment in this piece. It has moments of real emotion in it.

Some of your word choice is strong here. Words like "wounds", "absurd", and "hopeless" have a particular connection to the word "Love".

The flow is pretty good in the first half too.

Observations & Suggestions:

The rhymes seem a bit forced sometimes. "...hope that I once had ...it makes me sad", for instance, is such a rhyme-y rhyme. Any emotional impact that it might have made disappears. It sounds like a very deliberate rhyme in a not so good way.

The flow is off in a few places. An example:

"Why must i hurt and feel so hopeless this way. Deep down i still am looking for my soulmate each day."

If you say these lines aloud, they are a bit awkward together. The rhythm is off. That second line is a beat or two too long. Now, I'm not suggesting that you actually use this, but it is something to compare it to:

"Why must I hurt and feel hopeless this way[?] Deep down, I still seek my soul mate each day."

Hear how the rhythm lines up? I cut the "so" because it isn't adding much to the meaning, and note that the question should have a question mark.

In general, the piece needs a thorough grammar/typo edit as well. There is missing punctuation here and there, but the typos are what really screams "Rough Draft!" here.

"it is a feeling thatcan make peopledo tings that are absurd"

This, for instance, could use some polish. *Wink* I think this is probably the strongest line in the piece, but clearly it needs an edit.

There are moments in here that tread the border of cliche. It sounds like I've heard it before. Know what I mean? I wonder if there is a unique spin that you could put on this theme to really grab the readers' attention.

There is a repetitive quality to this piece as well. Some of it is simple words that aren't needed really. "I could get past all"/"I've lost all". Just that word "all" made me feel like I had just read this line. Similarly, there are these:

"the hurt that I feel"
"why must I hurt and feel"
"it is a feeling"

The repetition isn't very effective. It might be stronger in general if, instead of telling us that you feel, describe the feeling. Describe the "hurt" rather than using that word. It will make the writing more dynamic. *Smile*

Overall, I think that the poem has some good moments, but it could use some work. The flow is a bit off here and there, the little repetitions could be better, the rhymes could feel a bit more natural. It's just lots of little things that could be smoothed out to let the poem really shine. Good luck if you decide to revise. *Smile*

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410
410
Review of The Maze  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" ! *Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

Alright, love. This story is pretty delightful in a way. The best part, by far, is the old man's story. I think you did well with the dialect for the most part. There were a couple times that I had to figure out what he was saying, but it worked well.

Honestly, the story is a little nostalgic for me. I'm from Maine, and there are some old timers up there who 1. voice their opinions about anything and everything with no apologies and 2. have a unique way of speaking. I've read stories that were recorded from interviews and transcribed from old fishermen in Maine (fishermen = lobster). They have the same sort of vibe you captured here. Authentic and interesting.

I also read the second paragraph aloud so that I could really hear the dialect. Pretty cool effect really.

Observations & Suggestions:

The intro seemed like a perfect place to insert some imagery. Walking on the beach... finding this old man. I would have loved to hear more about what the man was like. What did he look like? A few mentions of the setting would be nice and easy imagery as well. As most of the story is dialogue, that would be nice and make the story feel more complete to me.

I was curious as to why the person just happened to have a tape recorder on the beach. *Laugh* Some kind of explanation for that would have seemed less rushed. Really, the intro seemed a bit rushed in general. Take some time. What was he doing on the beach?

In my mind, I made up a back story because I needed one. The guy was on the beach transcribing some notes from a lecture, and an old man wandered over and started talking and mumbling at him, disturbing his work. At some point, he began to actually listen to the man and decided to record what he was saying. *Laugh* No idea if this is what you intended (I doubt it, as he was "walking on the beach one day"), but it helped me connect with the story. Some kind of back story would probably help other readers connect too. Not everyone would interject their own. This is a writing site, so there may be other people here who would do that naturally, but off the site? People might want more.

Overall, I really like the old man's story. It's well done, and I love the sentiment too actually. *Thumbsup* I didn't connect much to the first part of the story... the introduction didn't hold much appeal for me-- no imagery, no reason to have a tape recorder, no reason for him to be listening to the old man. I just wanted something more in there. Something entertaining that would draw me into the story. We don't know much about the old man aside from his philosophy, and we know nothing about the narrator in the first paragraph. I'd consider beefing up that whole section to really grab the reader. I do like the last lines of that first paragraph though-- very fitting. Anyway, with a little effort, I think this could be a really amazing story! Just embellish it and have fun with it.

Oh, I'm giving back the gp from the review request since I made this part of your SAJ package. You shouldn't have to pay me for something that you (or someone else) already paid for. *Wink*

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411
Review of An Honest Answer  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" ! *Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

Okay, this is sort of a tough one for me, but we'll give it a go.

The characters were fairly distinct, despite this being dialogue only. Writing a story in only dialogue can be difficult, so I give you props for that. I've only tried it once myself, and it has some unique challenges. At least, I presume this is dialogue only... I read it as though they were slightly long-winded text messages. *Wink* Sort of *hugs*, *smile* that type of thing?

The introduction-- the "hi honey"s set up the basics well. It is simple, but it does get across to the reader that this is a couple about to have a discussion.

I do think that this is the type of situation that lots of readers could relate to. Particularly married ones. *Laugh* I know that my husband and I have these types of arguments sometimes. "Wanna watch a movie?" "Sure" "What do you want to see?" "I'm up for whatever" "Me too. You choose" "If I choose, you wont like it" "But I always have to choose!" This is an insanely common conversation at my house. I think anyone who has been together for a long time will "get it". The lines in which he says "I want to try something I've never done before" also give that feeling like the couple has been together for ages.

By the way, I think that the first speaker (-) is female and the (+) is male. Not sure if that is what you had in mind, but somehow, it struck me that way. It briefly crossed my mind they they could be a gay couple too... of either gender. In that sense, it really could relate to anyone.

Observations & Suggestions:

Now, this is why the story is difficult for me to review. I didn't enjoy reading it. I sort of wanted to slap them both and tell them to shut up and watch a movie or something. *Facepalm*

Some of that reaction might just be because 1. this is a circular conversation and 2. it went on for quite some time. I know that the circular nature of the argument was purposeful, but the effect of saying the same things over and over was that it felt tedious to read.

The situation seems to escalate really quickly. This could be an indication that the couple fights often. Still, it seemed a bit extreme to me. The "Damn IT" line was kinda out of nowhere in my mind. On a side note, wouldn't the stress be on "damn" rather than "it"?

There are some typos and grammar issues in here. It needs a thorough edit. Here is one of them: "you're just ryin' to make me mad now!" Missing the capital and the T from trying. By the way, if this is happening through txt messages (again, that is how it read to me), I think the person wouldn't bother with the apostrophe on "tryin".

Speaking of which... the formatting here is rough. The plus and minus... does that mean something other than an indication of who is speaking when? They take turns... so the reader should know that anyway. The caps lock throughout and using more than one ! at a time also added to the txt-like vibe for me. If it is supposed to be an argument in person, I'd avoid the caps lock.

The story wrapped up in an appropriate way, but I didn't feel much about it except for a bit of relief that they were about to stop the circular conversation. Know what I mean? I didn't feel bad for them at all or wish they had chosen something to do or wonder what they'd do next.

Overall, I think the piece could use some work. Aside from a general edit, I think there are some areas for improvement. First, I would try to make the circular argument worded drastically different. It would keep the reader more engaged if they weren't saying the same thing in the same way over and over. Second, the formatting could be much smoother. At times, the pluses and minuses, the caps lock, and the !!!! stuff made the piece difficult to read. I think that it could be a really fun or really powerful story, depending on where you wanted to take it. At the moment, the story just isn't quite there yet. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read.

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412
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Things I Like:

I adore the last four lines of the first stanza. Just love them. Beautiful flow, phrasing, and meaning.

The idea behind the poem is pretty unique, and as always, you work in interesting cultural details. Thank you for footnoting the significance of the water line, which allowed me to fully appreciate it. Just lovely.

The flow is pristine throughout the poem. I never stumbled at all while reading.

The rhymes are blatant but effortless. Generally, I like rhymes to disappear into a poem. Yours don't disappear but the fit so perfectly that they feel as though they are simply meant to be there.

Observations & Suggestions:

The first two lines of the poem, the hook, didn't draw me in. If I hadn't read your work before, I might have just chosen a different poem to read, but knowing the quality of your work, I chose to keep reading. Glad I did! The two lines don't capture my attention or make me feel anything or think anything or, well, interest me I guess. The repeat of "gifted/gift" made me cringe a little too. The lines just don't do the rest of the poem justice. I would consider light revision.

I was curious about "my wife cried some tears". The use of "some", a qualifier really, just sucked any emotion out of the line and seemed to draw away from the rest of the poem. It's hard to explain, but it didn't sit well with me somehow. I imagine that you used it to indicate that, in the after life, the pain matters a little less... the wife will get over it. That sort of thing? It makes sense, but I still just... don't love it.

"Then did I kill my morals, / and turned to a slave" These are beautiful lines. They sound and feel very traditional, and you twisted the syntax perfectly! They read like part of a poem from the mid to late 1800's. It is spot on, and I was quite impressed. At a glance, I thought to myself "why is she using present tense and past tense together?" though. *Laugh*

The final stanza is super strong too. Listing all that's left at the end was very effective. For some reason, I kept thinking about the chair, imagining what it might be. A comfortable seat in the family room... the wooden chair at the kitchen table. The line is very visual for me despite its simplicity. I thought I'd mention it.

Overall, what can I say? It's a really good piece! Two lines and a single word... that is all that kept it from perfection for me. The flow, phrasing, sentiment, progression from beginning to end... all lovely. The rhymes seemed very natural. You have some strong emotional moments that I think many readers will relate to. I would definitely tweak the opening two lines, but the poem is very enjoyable.

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413
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, love! I'm helping with the "Invalid Item"  contest judging for Round 63, and I thought I'd leave you some feedback for your entry.

Some things I Like:

You have some really amazing word choice throughout this piece. Even at a glance, strong words jump out all over the place: tattered, hostile, littered, broken, awkward, scattered, ravaged, etc. Great stuff!

Beginning with the book before delving deeper into the loss was an excellent way to progress through the poem... from book, to houses, to families, to the town as a whole. It works well.

I absolutely loooove the line "at awkward and angry angles". That type of in-your-face alliteration doesn't always work, but it works well here. I think it's my favorite in the entire poem.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Swept up in the hostile storm winds" is a versatile line to use for this form. My tongue had trouble with it a few times, which made it slightly awkward a few times. I might consider cutting the "the" in there? Something about it managed to trip me up, and as it is the refrain, it was a recurring stumble for me.

There are a few syntax issues in here.

"Carrying with it broken dreams" -- Love the meaning here, but it is a dangling participle. There are two dangling participles really.

"A tattered book lies in ruins.
Left to rest on the littered ground,
Carrying with it broken dreams."

"left to rest..." and "carrying broken dreams" are modifying the book, not the ruins. The last thing mentioned was the ruins, so it reads as though you're describing the ruins not the book. Of course, you ended the sentence, but as the rest is a fragment, I'd say the rule still applies. I had to stop and figure out what was going on-- it creates a clarity issue.

Another:

"The splintered lives of families
Will be picking up the pieces,"

The subject is "lives", and the predicate is "will be picking". So the sentence says, "The lives will be picking up the pieces". You might consider reversing the order here. A "families will pick up pieces of their splintered lives" type of thing?

Okay... no more grammar. *Wink*

"The good comes out across the town,
As people help one another."

The use of "good" as a noun here threw me for a minute. The second line explains why you used it, but I did have an initial, "What? The good what?" moment. Just thought I'd mention it.

"Rebuild and recoup from being
Swept up in the hostile storm winds."

I love the meaning here. The "from being" seemed slightly awkward for some reason. I might consider using a noun instead of "being". It would only change it slightly and could make for a more dramatic ending. "Rebuild and recoup the losses / swept up..." for instance. Just an example of how you might use a noun in here to pack a bigger punch and get rid of the awkward "from being". I'm not suggesting the use of "losses"... recoup losses isn't very interesting, but this type of change could be nice.

Overall, I think you have some stellar phrasing and wording throughout. The flow is good most of the time, and I really think the progression from the micro effects to the macro was a very clever way to organize the piece. Just a bit of editing to smooth some rough edges and this piece will really shine! Good luck with the contest! *Smile*

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414
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Things I Like:

This is super cute! I love whole idea of walking between the raindrops. *Smile*

Squirrel's activities in the beginning were very fitting and cute as well. I especially liked the baking of acorn cookies. That's the type of detail that children like. I know that my son would probably find it amusing (he's 6).

The language is spot-on. "He found a wheelbarrow made of wood" or "a picnic spot under a big and very old tree" or any number of other lines... they just sound exactly like a children's book should sound. The wording would be easy for early readers, but children would also probably enjoy hearing the story read to them.

It reads quite a bit like Arnold Lobel. Of course, the personification of animals also leans toward Lobel's style. He is the master of making animals into people, and he wrote for the same age group.

Observations & Suggestions:

The format is pretty cookie-cutter children's story. The set up... here's a lonely guy. The middle... collecting friends one by one. The end... they all have a picnic. It isn't exactly groundbreaking. *Laugh* Of course, it doesn't have to be. The format works. That is why it has been done a million times. It makes sense to the age group. I just thought that I would mention it.

The characters also didn't seem original at all. Basically, I feel like I've read this story a zillion times. Of course, my son went through a very long Arnold Lobel phase just a year or two ago... so maybe I really have just read this type of story one too many times. *Laugh* Bound to happen to parents with young children I guess.

Overall, I think that the story is very well done for what it is. I do think that children would like it. The piece also lends itself well to possible illustrations. Dancing in the rain, picnics, a squirrel painting and cooking and so forth. It is very visual.

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415
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello! *Smile* I'm one of the judges for the "Invalid Item" , and after reading your entry, I thought that you might like some feedback. I might not make the final decision, so my opinion might not matter that much in the long run. Still, I might as well give some feedback, right?

Things I Like:

The humor in this piece really is amusing! I imagine that lots of people could relate to it in one way or another. Personally, I am the fixer in my house. My husband is not a "Tool Whisperer" at all! If I left it to him, it wouldn't get built. *Wink*

The voice used for this story is pretty quirky and unique. It almost reads like a blog entry or a stand-up routine. It is a narrated slice of life type of tale, which works in its favor.

Observations & Suggestions:

This isn't a suggestion for a change so much as an observation. With this type of narrative story, it is almost like reading a monologue... someone is speaking directly to the reader. This makes it difficult and less natural to use imagery, but somehow working some imagery in the story would make it more engaging. If someone can picture it in their mind, that makes the story clearer for them. You do this a little bit, but if you decide to revise, it wouldn't hurt to try to work in some more. It isn't necessary, but it might be nice.

The formatting of this piece is the biggest issue for me. There is a sloppy, chaotic feel to it. Some paragraphs have a double space. Others don't. Some sentence fragments seem purposeful, while others do not. The capital letters and ()'s all over the place add to the chaos. It could work for a piece like this, but it doesn't really. There is a lack of cohesion in the style used.

The biggest problem with this (the reason that it isn't effective for the story) is the distraction factor. The formatting draws the eye toward a capitalized word "THE" or a floating ( Aside with spaces at either end. ). It detracts from the humor because my eye kept getting drawn off to some random line, and then I'd have to find my place again. *Wink* Italics would be an improvement over the capital letters. Making those asides their own sentence without the parenthesis would be an improvement as well.

The grammar isn't a huge problem because of the comedy style you have going on, but I would still recommend giving it a thorough edit. It would improve readability, that is for sure.

Overall, you have the elements of a really fun story here! Work on the formatting. Aim for cohesion... do things the same way each time. A thorough grammar edit would help as well and improve clarity. The best way to ensure that people will actually read your work is to make it easy for them. The humor is a great hook, but the writing itself cannot seem like work to read. Hammer out the rough edges and you'll have comedy gold. *Smile*

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416
Review of Janette  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Alright, love. I finally ended up reading a story of yours. As it turns out, I might just be judging the story section of the "Invalid Item"  for June. The usual judge is busy elsewhere. *Wink*

Things I Like:

So... the first thing that struck me is that the ending is lovely. A very sweet sentiment. Very fitting and simple.

Learning how the false imprisonment affected Janette later was interesting and kept me reading.

Tom is a strong character. I think that most people can relate to him on some level. At the moment, he is sad... but I can imagine him becoming more and more bitter as the years pass.

Observations & Suggestions:

Somehow, the story didn't move me. I didn't feel sorry for Tom, and I didn't care that his wife had died. I don't know why really, but that is a pretty important aspect of the story.

One reason for this is probably that he had already learned to live without her, really. So all of the "he had placed his hopes for the future" etc didn't die with her... they would have died when she went to prison. I mean, how many years could he cling to that hope? Could she really be his whole world still if she hadn't lived with him for years? I don't know... somehow it just didn't connect for me.

The only other reason I can think of for the absence of a strong emotional pull is the phrasing. You got a little wordier than needed at times. Sentences seemed a bit labored here and there. Some examples:

"When she came home to the little cottage she could no longer face the world, the cruel incarceration had robbed her of any of the social graces needed to live in society."

Long sentence with lots going on and missing a comma (after 'cottage'). Is "of any of" serving a purpose here? All it does for me is make the sentence awkward and add bulk. "robbed her of the social graces" is concise and means exactly the same thing. This type of tightening throughout the story might make the emotional impact greater. One more example (but not the only other place that you could smooth out):

"The authorities were very helpful and were even going to pay for the burial service, and all the costs associated with it."

This sentence says two things, really. 1. the authorities were being helpful and 2. they were paying for the funeral. So, say that. "The authorities were very helpful and even agreed to pay for all costs associated with the burial." This is 17 words and a pretty simple sentence structure, while yours is 22 words and an overly complicated structure. Again, this type of decluttering... debulking... will make your lines less labored and make for a smoother read. *Smile*

I will note here too that there are some grammar issues in here. I spotted a tense issue someplace (Found it! "God alone knows how much Janette suffered" the 'knows' should be in past tense, as the whole story is past tense). There are tons of run-on sentences in here too. Well, more like 4 or something? That's a ton for me. *Laugh* A few examples of those:

"He had tried everything he knew to get the evidence of her innocence put into the hands of those in power, to free her from her unjust incarceration, how many times had he failed?"

That "How many times" is a complete sentence. This is so long it could use a break there anyway.

"Tom was desolate, what could he do?" Same here. Questions are still sentences. *Wink* You can't connect them with a comma.

"Only Tom saw the terrible pain of it in her eyes, she never saw anyone else, refused to return anything at all to the society which she said condemned her to all those years locked up with criminals for company and companionship."

Again, are you noticing that each sentence is like paragraph length? It's great to have some long ones... but when they're all long, it becomes a chore to read. Anyway: "Only Tom... pain of it in her eyes." This is a sentence (and you could cut the "of it" by the way, as we know what you're talking about). So... make the "Only Tom" sentence its own sentence. The next sentence is super long, but it's more manageable without being part of a run-on.

Anyway, these are the only grammar snafus in here, but they are a few to watch out for. One last one... "Tom saw it all, the pain, the desolation, and the frustration of being helpless to do anything about it."

Again, I'd cut that "to do anything about it". What else would be feel helpless about? You don't really need to say that, and the line is stronger if you end it with an emotion. That's not why I chose this one though. *Laugh* "the pain, the desolation, the.." This is a list. "Tom saw it all" introduces the list, so a colon would be perfect. "Tom saw it all: the pain, the desolation.."

Overall, this is a great idea for a story! Love the concept! It could use a little polish. Honestly, a grammar fix and a little bit of editing for clarity will get you there. Remember: the longer the sentence, the more work is needed to make it clear to the reader. No need to over complicate things. Personally, I would rather write a simple sentence and be understood that write a complicated one in which people got lost half way through. *Wink* Cheers and good luck with the contest, love! *Smile*

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417
for entry "Tan Inni Gyfarfod Eto" 
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*Umbrellab* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" ! *Umbrellab*


Things I Like:

I like the sentiment here, particularly in the beginning and at the end. Quite lovely.

The line "too slamming of the door" hooked me. I love the line break there as well. Placing "on possibilities" on the next line is perfect.

The "bad penny" bit made me smile. It's a great little comparison!

Your flow is quite nice, the ideas expressed are interesting, and I quite like some of your line breaks.

I like the symmetry. Opening line-- three lines-- refrain; repeat at the end. It works well because the length of the middle section creates enough balance that the beginning and ending don't seem too bulky or repetitive.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some odd bits and piece that I don't think work that well. I'm a fan of strong individual lines that make up an equally strong poem. There are some lines in here that aren't terribly strong. The weakest line in the piece, by far, is "or just leave it at". 5 monosyllabic words, none of which have much meaning on their own... this particular use of "leave" in a Goodbye-themed poem isn't very strong... the "just" qualifier negates the effect of lines more often than not as well. Basically, I think it could use revision. The following line is a bit boring, a simple "I love you", but it is pretty effective in this piece.

As much as I love the "bad penny" comparison, it changes the tone. The tone in the beginning is pretty serious. The tone at the end is quite serious. The "bad penny" is amusing and light. The lightness of the tone in the middle takes away some of the impact of the funeral lines at the end. The emotional connection doesn't grow from beginning to end... it falters in the middle and forces readers to reconnect with it in the final lines. This isn't a tragedy, but I thought I would mention it.

There was a little snippet in here that sort of drove me crazy too. "even if years go by / in-between". First, the "even if" is very conversational and isn't really helping you here. Plus, you used "even" two times in the next few lines ("even then", "even at deathbed"). Far too many "evens" all in a row. It created a tedious quality for me. I would change at least two of them to something else.

Back to the point though: "even if years go by / in-between". Using two prepositions in a row is awkward to read and can be confusing. Here, you use three, one of which is a hyphenated set of preposition. "by in between"... all prepositions. I wanted to highlight it and hit delete, honestly. *Laugh* I would definitely edit it. Maybe a simple "as years pass / in-between". That would help a little for me.

This line also has a very conversational tone, as does most of the poem. I think that there is a difference between poetic-conversational and chatting-on-the-phone-with-mom conversational. This piece occasionally dips into the latter, and that "even if years go by / in-between" is the most blatant of them.

Overall, I think that this piece is decent. It was a nice read, but the inconsistency in tone was a bit odd. I also think that there are some lines here and there that could use some more work and polish. In a poem this short, any weak lines are magnified. Anyway, hope this helps with your editing process and good luck with the Construct Cup! *Smile*

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418
418
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here! I told you in the "Noticing Newbies"  forum that I would give you a review, so here I am!

Some things I Like:

Despite the topic here, the poem seems to have a pretty light, fun tone. It's quirky. There are phrases in here that make me smile. For instance, "weird faces", is a phrase that I don't think I've ever heard in a poem before.

You pose some intriguing questions in this piece as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

First, the repetition here is not effective. "Doing things. Doing things. Doing things." What does that make you feel? Anything? If I'm honest, it makes be bored and perhaps even mildly annoyed. Why not just use a comma'd list for these things? The point of the lines would stand out more, and the repetition wouldn't create a monotone droning quality. Here's one example:

"If the world knew who I am,
If the world knew what I have done to myself,
If the world knew that I did so many shameful things,
That even a beggar would not do,
That not even a considered lowly person would ever do."

Now, I'm going to cut all of the needless repetition out of this (and I mean ALL of it) just to illustrate. Concise is often best, and you could use a dose of conciseness.

"If the world knew who I am,
what I have done to myself,
the many shameful things
that even beggars,
a considered lowly person,
would not do"

Yours: 45 words. Mine: 27. Yet, they say the same thing, really. Personally, I think that cutting out all of that meaningless padding makes your words much stronger. They are YOUR words, not mine. I just cut out the fluff. This poem would be 100% better if you cut out the ineffective repetition.

Think of it like this: Do you really looove the sound of the word "would"? Do you really want to hear that sound over and over and over? Is it a strong, meaningful word? Does it fill you with some kind of feeling? If no... don't repeat it. The same goes for any other phrase or word... "Until I, Until I, Until I, Until I" or "I always, I always, I always" or any of the other endless repetitions in here. *Wink*

Another major problem for me is the grammar. I know that some people are not grammar people, but it is still important. If I had not told you that I would give your poem a review, I probably would have quit after the first line because that is where the first grammatical error is. *Wink*

"If the world knew who I am" The word "knew" is past tense. The word "am" is present tense. Those tenses need to match... If you want to keep "knew", past tense, you need to use "who I was", which is past tense.

"Would they put on that weird faces" The word "that" is singular, while "faces" is plural. Again, they need to match. Either "that face" or "those faces". These are just two examples, but he entire poem needs a thorough grammar edit.

And this is a rather long example on another area for improvement:

"The real truth, the ugly truth about me…
Which no one ever would believe that I had once acted like that.

Doing things that would lead me to a miserable life,
Doing things that would only give me nothing but destroying my naive and uncorrupted soul which I had in the past,
Doing things that will make me think of my never accepted sins repeatedly,
Until I gave up on my hopes,
Until I gave up on my future,
Until I felt like I wanted to put an end to my life,
Until I felt like I wanted to do nothing and keep my mouth shut for good."

This is all punctuated sentence-style, but there isn't a single sentence in the bunch! This is a huge list of sentence fragments. I would consider using a sentence here and there, supplemented with fragments. *Wink*

There is quite a bit of extra phrasing in here that makes the "until" lines difficult to read as well. "I felt like I wanted to put" / "I felt like I wanted to do". These each have 3 verbs-- I felt, wanted, and put. I felt, wanted, and do". Do you think that "I feel like I want to do X" is more powerful than saying "I want to do X"? I don't. The first sounds like it has qualifiers-- like it isn't a firm statement. It is up to you if you want it to sound that way, but I do think that it makes the lines awkward to read to have that much padding before getting to the real point of the line.

Overall, I think that this piece could use some revision. It really needs a grammar edit, but I think that the one thing that would make the most difference is to de-clutter this piece. There is no need to beat around the bush, adding lots of words that detract from what you're really saying. You have some great wording in here, but it's buried. Dig up those important points and let them shine... the poem will be better for it. *Smile* If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another look.


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419
419
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

First, the voice in this piece is incredibly strong. Very conversational but strong.

The opening paragraph told readers quite a bit about the character. The reference to movies and high school assemblies points to a really young driver (which is confirmed later when talking about being a student). Whether the storyteller is in high school or just out of high school, all signs point to youth. I think the mark of good flash fiction is packing details into a small space. You accomplished that.

The story itself is interesting to me. A kamikaze run... it was a fun read.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Nah. I was the kid with his hand was raised first. I was the student who completed his test first. I was the drifter who finished first. And I was the felon who would be arrested last. If at all."

"kid with his hand was raised" -- guessing that "was" isn't supposed to be there?

The "drifter who finished first" seemed like a needless repetition to me. It follows a "finished X first" line... so nothing new here. I would either change it to the "drifter who did something-else first" or remove it.

The "armed to the dental pulp" is an interesting line. A cute play on "to the teeth", but it tripped me up on the first read. It had a "wait... what?" effect on me. *Laugh* No change needed, but I thought I would mention it.

You make great use of sentence fragments in this piece. Most are used very effectively, but there are times when they become tedious. Generally speaking, fragments cease to be clever, fun, or interesting when overused.

"To the front, a barricade lined with officers armed to the dental pulp. To the rear, at least four cruisers and a helicopter hovering low. Flanked by trees and a median guard rail." This stretch of fragments nearly made me quite reading. I just found it excessive. I would leave the others (as they are more effective) and fashion these into sentences. It wouldn't be difficult to do and would help readability.

"without hesitation, a man behind a shield and a gun decided my final consequence."

This was a bit awkward. "a man behind a shield WITH a gun" would ease the awkwardness. As it is, the man and gun seem disjointed. This is already a long sentence... streamlining when possible would make reading smoother.

Love the final line. No comma needed after "45 in a 70"... it's a compound predicate "I died and started". I like the use of "started" rather than the more obvious "began" here too. He died in a car... cars don't begin, they start. It's as though he's revving up to cruise into that unknown. Pretty cool.

Overall, I think this is a fun little story! You did well bringing the character to life, giving him a unique voice, and explaining his motivation for the suicide run. With a little polish, it could be an excellent example of flash ficion-- I do so love microfiction! *Smile*


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420
Review of Incantation.  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

You have some really strong word choice in this piece. Some of the ideas expressed are interesting as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The first thing that made me stumble is "flames of passion / taken asunder by waves ravaged deep within..." The flames of passion were ravaged by waves? It seemed strange to say that passion was ravaged by something else, I guess. It isn't the usual way of things, so it isn't where my mind first went. No need to change it-- just an observation.

A bigger issue is the lack of clarity here. You need some kind of punctuation to tell the readers what phrases modify what object. This reads to me as: flames being ravaged by waves within veins. Is that accurate? It has sort of a sloppy vibe to me. Waves inside veins is sort of cool-- flames being ravaged by waves is sort of cool. The flames, waves, veins, and blood all together is just overkill I think.

Also, the phrase "veins of blood" is not very strong. First, you're talking about liquid, so "vein" would bring to mind veins in the body without the mention of blood. Second, the phrase "veins of blood" really means veins made of blood-- that is what "of" means. It's a part of the whole or a measure of a whole. So... "veins of blood" are veins made of blood. I doubt that was what you were after.

"Spilt essence, damaged heart, kindle to fire, sharp of sight, strong of presence."

I actually think that these are strong ideas. "split essence, damaged heart" and "sharp of sight, strong of presence" were both quite nice. All together in a list, it sounds a bit choppy and unpleasant to the ear, but they are interesting. I would consider using line breaks here. These read like a really long run-on sentence. It isn't ideal.

"kindle to fire"--the word 'kindle' means to light or set fire to something. So you're saying "set fire to fire", basically. The words "to fire" add nothing at all to the meaning, as "kindle" means to set something on fire. Also... well, let's face it. People are going to think of the Kindle Fire when they read that. Not super effective anyway, and less effective given the gadget's name.

The sudden appearance of wings and vines seemed really odd to me. One minute, you were talking about flames, waves, veins, and blood... now we're outside with wings and vines? I would strongly consider choosing a type of metaphor/imagery and running with it. Make it all about liquid (waves, blood) or all about earthy things (like the vines) or all about the air/sky (like the wings). All together like this, the poem lacks cohesion.

Overall, I think that this poem has lots of room for improvement. You have some nice phrasing and ideas going on in the piece, but it needs some polish and purposeful imagery to create a cohesive poem that is easy to read. There is a lack of clarity at the moment (partly due to punctuation/lack of punctuation), and thoughts seem to jump around from one thing to the next with no clear path. It doesn't make for smooth, enjoyable reading. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read and change my rating if appropriate. *Smile*

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421
421
Review of The Package  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi! I'm reviewing you for "The Challenge" . We need to review another challenger, so why not! *Wink*

Some things I Like:

I actually quite like that you don't tell readers what is in the box.

Observations & Suggestions:

The story isn't so much about the contents of the package as it is about the person opening the package. An internal dialogue... a dilemma. That said, stronger characterization could have really helped me connect with the piece. I know that she (or he?) is exercising, so she cares about her health. She also is rather cautious. That is about it. There wasn't much to relate to as far as the narrator goes.

If, as a reader, I understood the character better, the piece might have induced nervousness in me... or some kind of feeling. As it is, I didn't get any of that. I don't even understand what really motivated her to open it. If it was me, I'd have thrown it away-- outside. I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it.

Varying sentence structure would have helped too. The sentences are fairly uniform in places. Some of it is just because of how many subjects in the piece are "I". It gets slightly tedious sounding. "I sprang" "I raced" "I glanced" "I would have" "I hesitated" "I wished" "I told"... etc etc. That is a whole lot of "I" subjects for a piece so short.

It needs a grammar edit in general too. Lots of missing commas and things that could make the piece a bit difficult to read. Here are a few examples (but far from all of them):

"When the doorbell rang I sprang up from my position on the floor where I had been exercising."

Comma needed after "rang". Also, this is a bit long and awkward for what it really says. Something like, "When the doorbell rang, I sprang from my exercise mat" would sum it up. Mats are on the floor... so she must be on the floor exercising. Simple and concise. Just a note... it doesn't need to be changed, but I think that simplifying when possible usually improves readability.

"Twenty years ago I would have picked it up, took it in the house and opened it."

Comma needed after "ago". Also, the predicate here is compound: picked, took, and opened. The problem is that the tenses are off. "I would have took"? You wouldn't say that. *Wink* It should be "taken". If possible, I would rewrite this to avoid saying "it" three times in a row. "picked it" "taken it" "opened it" is a bit repetitive for my taste.

"Now I hesitated, What if it was a bomb or a severed hand?"

First, using "Now" in the past tense is weird. "Now" is in the present, and "hesitated" is not in the present. It isn't a necessary word anyway, but if you want, you could change it to "Then I hesitated". Second, this is really two sentences stuck together with a comma. Easy solution... replace the comma with a colon (:).

Like I said, these are just a few of the grammar oddities. I don't like to overload people with grammar in reviews. I know that it isn't everyone's strong suit. *Wink*

Overall, I think this is a really cute idea. The execution could be much better. A grammar edit and added characterization would help immensely. The biggest issue really was that I didn't care whether she opened it or not. There was no suspense because there was no reason to care about her. It is difficult to draw people into a story this short, but it can be done. Just think about the readers: what would make them feel nervous WITH her? If you revise, I would be happy to give it another look. *Smile*


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422
422
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I saw this on the Shameless Plug page and decided to give it a read, as I generally prefer unrhymed poetry. *Wink* For not doing much without rhyme, I think that you did well with it!

Some things I Like:

I prefer strong beginnings to lines over strong ending words. Every single word used to begin a line is strong. When I first noticed the acrostic, I sort of groaned to myself, waiting for the inevitable weak openers. "On" "of" etc. It didn't happen. *Thumbsup* Nor did you repeat any of the opening words, which is awesome.

You have some lovely lines in here. In general, I like most of the ideas expressed in each line. Making each line its own thought works well here too.

Observations & Suggestions:

The flow is a bit awkward here and there. For instance (but not the only instance):

Only wanting each other and knowing that's enough.
Odd things that used to bother becoming the things you appreciate most.

These two lines are incredibly awkward to read. If you read them aloud, you'll probably notice that the flow of words is rather halting and off-beat.

I think that there is some room for more concise wording in here as well. Some phrasing choices are rather conversational and don't add to the meaning.

"Long nights spent just talking about nothing". Is the "just" adding anything here? I think that the line would be more powerful without it. Plus, it is conversational, which might not be the best choice for the first stanza.

"Evenings pass too quickly, staying up too late making"... okay. Lots of "ing" and "too" in here, and the line isn't even finished yet. "Staying up too late" could be written in a more interesting, less conversational way. Something like "fighting to remain awake", for instance, would give it some action. Or you could go with something like "drowsy", which would give readers the impression of trying to stay awake without saying it directly. These types of minor changes can make an enormous difference.

"Longing for more hours in a day to waste together" is a bit awkward to read and also sounds super conversational. That "in a day" slows the flow down and creates a string of 7 tiny words in a row. I would cut it completely. "Longing for more hours to waste together". It means the same thing-- no one is going to think "more hours in a day or night or month or year? be more specific!" *Wink* In case you don't wish to change it... there is a typo here too (hours in a the day).

These are just a few instances where the writing could be tightened up to increase effectiveness.

On a side note, "Lasting happiness after every moment spent together" made me pause. If the happiness lasts, how can is happen every time? Like, wouldn't they still be happy from the LAST moment they spent together?

Overall, it's a nice poem. It has strong moments and some weaker moments. 20 minutes of editing would do it wonders! *Smile*


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423
423
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jeff! *Smile* I'm taking part in Carmela's Challenge, and from the instant that I saw the "Review a Senior Mod", I knew that this would be the piece I reviewed. I'm not shy about giving honest critiques to anyone, regardless of case color, and thought about giving you a real writing critique, but I've been interested in this group since I first saw it.

I always thought it would be amazing to write a screenplay, and I've read numerous books on the subject. Still, I don't feel confident enough to begin one. If there had been a group like this when I first joined, I might just have written one by now. *Wink*

Basically, I think that this group is a great service to a very specific pool of writers here on WDC. It may even encourage other people who have an interest, such as myself, to jump into the process.

And because I simply must...

I give The Screenwriting Group two very enthusiastic thumbs up. *Thumbsupl* *Thumbsupr*

424
424
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

The voice comes through very strongly in this piece. It is conversational in style, but that can be a really good way to go about writing a piece like this.

Your points come across clearly throughout. The comparisons create visual elements... a definite plus.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are a whole lot of fragments in here. A conversational piece tends to have more sentence fragments than other types of writing, but still... there can be such a thing as too many. There is a tedious quality to the writing when there are too many fragments... especially when coupled with lots of simple, short sentences. It gives the writing a choppy quality that becomes a bit flat and monotone after a while.

You have full paragraphs comprised of these simple sentences and fragments, which to me, sound like reading a grocery list by the end. It pulls any impact and emotion from the words and becomes sort of a drone. Examples:

Now all I can do is wait. I wait for my life to fall apart. I wait to lose the love of my life. Thus far. The love of my life thus far. I could have been happy. I would have been happy. I know it. It could have worked. We could have been something.
But we're not. We just aren't.

If you read this aloud, what do you feel? I feel, well, bored. And I should not feel bored when reading something emotional, right? Too much of a good thing here.

The opening isn't a very strong "hook" in my opinion. Describing life and relationships as a "roller coaster" is cliche. I don't think that it is a bad thing to include somewhere, but I don't think that it will make a reader think "Wow! I have to read this!" That is what opening lines should do, ideally.

By contrast, the ending lines are really strong. The serve as a very fitting ending to the piece, and they have more emotional draw than the intro. If there were fewer simple sentences and fragments throughout, it would have been far more effective though.

Overall, I think that the ideas in this little piece are good, but the execution could be better. I would strongly consider revising for sentence structure-- varied sentence structure adds readability and wont hinder the conversational style if mixed appropriately. Still, it wasn't a bad read. Thanks for sharing your work with us! *Smile*


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425
425
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

I do love free verse! I gave your poem a read and thought that you might like some feedback, as no one seems to have reviewed it yet.

I think that the idea here is intriguing... as it should be. You have some fairly strong word choice here and there as well-- horror, splendor, terror, corner.

The flow is good as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are times when your word choice might not be the best, choices that make the meaning a bit muddy.

"Now when we stood" -- "Now" indicates the present usually, and "stood" is past tense.

"we stood waiting most" -- "Most" seems like a strange choice here. It almost makes sense but not quite. I can't even wrap my head around it to explain the issue... it just doesn't work.

The next two lines work pretty well. They really do add some of that intrigue to the piece.

"When we needed knowing" -- Again, this is a bit strange. "to know" seems like a more obvious and clear choice. This could also be interpreted as "needed understanding" or something. I would revise it somehow. It's a bit awkward.

"What you stood / Around that corner" -- This is a really short poem, and you already used "stood" once. I would change it even if that was the only reason. It's not though. This is another phrase that could skew meaning. "stood around" could mean "waiting", but it doesn't. Someone cannot physically stand "around a corner". It brings a weird visual to mind. *Wink*. Basically, I think that a different verb would work better here, and I would consider changing "around" as well. "Around" can also mean "encompassing". So, say, you placed something "around" a corner... is it wrapping around the corner or is it out of sight? Again, the meaning can get a bit muddy.

The next three lines work pretty well too. There is a wee bit more repetition than I prefer with all of the "What"s, and it is a little boring to visually to see a list of "What"s starting every sentence, but that is just my preference.

For the most part, all of the words in the poem are common, everyday words. The ones I listed as "strong word choices" are pretty much the only exceptions. That can get a bit dull after a while, but as this piece is short, it isn't a huge problem.

Overall, I like what you're trying to do here. I don't think that it is as effective as it could be. The subject matter interested me, but the actual phrasing did not. I think that with some revision, the meaning would be less muddy and the poem might be more engaging to the reader. Not a bad effort though! *Smile*


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