Cinn's (cinnamonfringe) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

1,621 Public Reviews Given

1,644 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).

I'm good at...

Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.

Favorite Genres

Free Verse, Scifi, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical

Favorite Item Types

Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.

Least Favorite Item Types

Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.

I will not review...

I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.

101

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#4283863

Review of Midnight Angel (Revised)

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey, Angus!

Judging the "Invalid Item"

contest now, and I thought I'd drop you a quick review. This is a review of the revision more than the actual poem on the page now.

What Caught My Eye

The change from "it" to "she" throughout... much better. You also cut down on lots of the bulk. There's room to further hone it for sure. Say...

"She will stare at me with her bright orange eyes
And breathe her dirty black breath into my face"

vs

"She will stare with orange eyes,
pant dirty breath into my face"

Just as an example here. There is a whole lot of room to whittle the words into something more... dramatic. Cutting the breathe/breath just gives more flavor, but removing a few other adjectives eases the flow and also makes the adjectives that remain sound stronger. "Dirty black breath" just made me think "Soot", so why not just say... soot? But cutting the color of the breath makes "dirty" more visceral... suddenly it's the feeling of breath and the smell of it as well as the visual.

Mostly though, this cuts boring little words while leaving the cool ones. At, me, her, and, her... not exciting or emotive or interesting. So they're gone.

Just an example.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

I can't tell you how much better your hook is! Minor changes, huge difference! Well done there!

Language / Word Choice
In future revisions, you may want to think about changing the tense. "She has returned" rather than "She will return". This allows you to use strong verbs without all the "will"s.

She opens.
She touches.
She caresses.
She asks.
She denies.

Much more engaging than will open, will touch, will caress, will ask, will deny. See what I'm saying. One more minor tweak. You can still keep the history of it while making the action present tense.

Effect

I think this is a really solid revision, love. Is it perfect... nope. But what second draft is ever perfect? None that I'm aware of.

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#4269848

Review of Tom's Birthday

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello, Christopher Roy Denton

!

I am one of the judges for the September 2016 round of "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

Favorite Aspects

This is sort of an interesting mix. I love scifi, including the dystopian subgenre. I've read all of the classics. I appreciated the fact that you didn't harp on the fact that Tom and Jimmy are gay. It was mentioned naturally... a normal family scene. Treating it as anything other than normal doesn't do the community justice, after all.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The beginning is a bit slow and didn't really hook me much, to be honest. Some of it was cliche (the descriptions of crying, choking on tears, glistening droplets, et). It did an alright job of setting it up as a dystopian scifi with the mention of holographs and the coming horror.

I did have a bit of an issue with "Eve was only sixteen, and he didn't want her to witness his terror." First, he doesn't seem scared. Rather, he seems sad. There is just no terror happening at this point at all. Also, Eve is 16, but during their first interactions, she seems no older than 10. It threw me. After reading her dialogue, I went back to make sure she was the same character who was supposed to be 16.

The ending was pretty good for this genre. A bit of a twist... it works.

Language

There was a distracting amount of looking around. He looked and glanced and saw and peered... it's an awkward way to show the reader what's going on around him. I'd look for these when revising.

Setting & Plot

The setting is surprisingly light for scifi. For all that looking around, he mostly saw action rather than setting. But really, there was enough for a short story. In my opinion, anyway. Some people prefer much more world-building than I do.

Effect

That's it. I thought the plot was alright. The writing was pretty clunky at times-- the overuse of "glanced" and whatnot was one part of that. Also a bit of odd word choice and a bunch of cliches (pain ripping through his head, all of the mentions of crying, light "flooding" a room, etc). Still, I liked the scifi details (like the antique Timex), and you juggled quite a few interesting ideas here without dropping any. Overall, it's a decent draft.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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#4269843

Review of Gus

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hello, StephBee - House Targaryen

!

I am one of the judges for the September 2016 round of "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

"He leaned so much on his cane, the rubber tip which hit the floor, bulged." - I had to read this sentence three times before I knew what it meant. I had trouble connecting the bulge to 'leaning so much'. Part of that is awkward sentence structure ("the rubber tip bulged against the floor" is both a clearer image and a less awkward phrase). The bigger issue for me was "so much". It can mean anything, really. I read it as time-related... like 'so often' (e.g. 'I shopped at that store so much that they made me employee of the month'). That's not the way it was meant, but I didn't even know what he was leaning on when I read it... it's that structure thing. I'd recommend 'so heavily' or something similar so that all of your readers will be on the same page.

Great personification in those next lines. Very well done with that. The "white shirt" and nagging about the walker also planted the piece firmly in a hospital/nursing home sort of setting. You got a whole lot out of very few words. Overall, I'd say that makes for a very strong intro. I'm attracted to good writing more than intriguing plots, to be honest.

The ending was cute. I wasn't blown away by it or anything, but it sufficed.

Language

Honestly, the language used throughout is your biggest strength here. I would try to vary my sentence structure more though. It felt a bit stagnant because there were so many simple sentences. For example:

"Gus belched. No way! He hated his birthday! They were for babies and kids. He didn’t need no reminders of how old he was. Gus knew he wasn’t a spring chicken. Time to hightail it to the garden. He could sit down in the back of the rose bushes and pull weeds. He’d rather do that than eat cake any day."

Even throwing in a clause someplace would help with the stagnant feel here. The choppy sentences may add a feeling of speed here... may serve a purpose. The two sentences before this paragraph are both simple as well. There are lots and lots of them, basically. More variety would help me engage more in the story.

Setting & Plot

The plot is a bit light here, really. Not much really happens, I suppose. It's a good character sketch (and what a character he is!), but it's not much of a story.

Effect

I might as well stop here. That's all I've got to say, really. You use fun language and word choice. You characterized Gus really well. The style is definitely lacking in the area of varied sentence structure... and there is also a bit more telling than showing. Since I know you can do both, I'd like to see more showing in the mix. For the contest, you did what I expect to see... you created a memorable character. It isn't called the What a Character contest for nothing!

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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#4269842

Review of Monty's Halloween

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Hello, Percy Peters

!

I am one of the judges for the September 2016 round of "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The intro does a good job of introducing the character, but I probably would have stopped reading very quickly if I wasn't judging the contest.

"Ugh, Halloween, Monty hated it. The constant knocking of his door. Up, down, up again. All to give children cavities from sweet rolls and chocolate. Children dressed up, pretending to be what he was, a monster. No one knew of course, if they did he would be Halloweens main attraction, burnt at the stake for everyone to see."

The grammar here is all kinds of weird. First, I'd probably go with "Ugh, Halloween. Monty hated the constant knocking on his door"... and why? First, the commas in that first line read strangely to me. Second, it cuts one of the fragments. All of that in red? All sentence fragments. The following sentence is a run-on sentence. "No one knew, of course. If they did, he would be Halloween's main attraction, burnt at the stake for everyone to see." ...that is grammatically correct. Note the apostrophe is "Halloween's" as well. It's possessive.

Now, I'm sure you can see why I would have stopped reading. Being creative is important, but poor grammar hinders readability. If I have to figure out what you're trying to say with every single fragment and run-on sentence, I don't enjoy the read. There are similar issues throughout. It could use a good scrubbing.

The ending held together much better. It's concise, and the dialogue works well.

Voice

The voice is probably the best part of the writing here. It's very distinct and helped a whole lot in bringing Monty to life. This is the What a Character contest... I expect to see something like this.

I do think that the voice uses too many fragments. I'm fine with using fragments-- sparingly. You use them far too frequently for me. I found that aspect of his voice distracting to read.

Effect

That's it. This was a fun story, but I didn't have fun reading it because it's such a rough write. We all start with drafts, so there is plenty of room to improve this one... no worries there. With polish, this could be excellent (and no, I don't say that to everyone).

Good luck and please consider entering again!

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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#4269836

Review of Memorial

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello, Graham Muad'dib

!

I am one of the judges for the September 2016 round of "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

Well, that opening bit of dialogue certainly started your characterization off with a bang. To be honest though, I started picturing a cartoon character in my head though. Do people really say "Dag nab it"? It's one of those things I've only ever heard in old cartoons, really. The topic here isn't really light and fluffy, so I don't know that it sets the tone very well for me.

The ending is sufficient. The drama didn't move me much really (I'm not an emotional type, I suppose), but it seemed like it might be a proper tearjerker for someone. Definitely adequate in my view. I suppose that somehow the entire story didn't feel genuine to me... there's no explaining why that is.

Language

Nice mix of dialogue and non-dialogue here. I've seen some with too much and some with too little of one or the other, so that's a nice change of pace. I also appreciate some of the figurative language used. For instance, "But the name filled the car". There is a fair bit of melodrama in the writing (which is sort of cheesy overstated drama). The second half of the same line ("swallowed the two elderly couples in suffocating silence") is a good example of that. Some people like that melodrama, and others don't. I'm on the "don't" side.

Effect

Overall, this is a decent write and looks like you took the time to revise (appreciate that!). You did well with the characterization, which is fitting for the contest. It's also an interesting take on the 'special occasion' aspect of the prompt. I felt like I ought to be more touched by the story than I was... perhaps that melodramatic flair just killed it for me. Still though, it's better than average writing.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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#4269835

Review of Happy Birthday, Happy Anniversary

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello, PureSciFiPlus

!

I am one of the judges for the September 2016 round of "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

Vincent stood at the entrance to his living room. He was slowly scanning it. Only a few boxes cluttered the floor of an otherwise empty room. “I still can’t believe we had to foreclose on our house.”

First, "He was slowly scanning" is a split infinitive AND passive voice. "He slowly scanned" is fine.

This hook didn't hook me at all. Why? It's a guy standing and looking. Literally, that is the action here. Two sentences for a dude standing and looking is not a hook. The dialogue also seems extremely stilted to me. It's a conversation that gives backstory and doesn't sound real at all. If you're packing up your house, are you going to say why you're moving as though the other person doesn't know? "I still can't believe it" is functional backstory-giving dialogue... it's cheesy but it works. There is no logical reason why the response would be "It all started with X. And then Y and Z happened". Remember, at this point, readers will think it's an actual conversation-- one that is stiff and unrealistic.

The oddities continue to pop up too. Another example from early on:

"As he entered the kitchen Vincent glanced back into the living room. All he could see was the side of the television. Vincent started walking through the kitchen."

What part of this is interesting? What part is necessary to tell the reader (and it is definitely telling not showing)? First, he enters the kitchen and looks at the side of a TV in the living room... then he walks through the kitchen? Why not just have him "Walk to the fridge" and ramble to himself instead of telling us every single unimportant movement he makes? I can take the rambling to himself, but man... the descriptions of dull stuff just slowed the pace to an incredible degree for me. I'd have stopped reading pretty quick if I wasn't judging a contest.

I'm not pointing these things out to upset or hurt you, by the way. It's important to write for yourself but revise for your readers. I can't be the only one who will read this and think "Why is he telling me this junk? Get to the good stuff!" I understand the necessity of some well-placed descriptions of his surroundings as they should be and as they are... but too much will get boring for people.

Language

Your language is a bit bulky. Passive voice and other things that could be more concise. Other observations are repetitive or could be cut due to ineffectiveness (like the aforementioned 'entered the kitchen/walked across the kitchen' sentences). It could use a good revision.

Effect

I like the idea here. Telling the story through memories... rambling to himself while wandering around thinking about the old days... that could be really effective. The character voice is robotic though... very matter-of-fact, and the "action" of moving through the house isn't that effective. What might help? Start a sentence with something other than Vincent/he and use action verbs. That would cut down on the telling. "The floorboard squeaked as he stepped into the hallway" is better than "The hallway was quiet except for the squeaking board". See what I mean? Also, do a search for words like "looked" and "saw", which was dead giveaways for telling instead of showing (10 "looked" in here and 6 "saw" are way too many).

I feel like I've been hard on this story, and I don't mean to be. I just hate to see good ideas bogged down like this. It could have been such a fun and engaging read... and it wasn't. With some effort, it could be good though. This one is worth the effort.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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#4263270

Review of Journals and Blogs

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hey tYpO/T.Boilerman

! I haven't see you around in a while. Oh, it has been 6 months or so probably. It's good to see that you're still logging in and poking around though.

I'm working on a challenge over at "a very Wodehouse challenge"

that requires me to review veterans. So... here I am! There are lots of vets on WDC, but I decided to make a trip to your port for one of them just because I haven't seen you for a while. Sort of a "miss you, hope all's well" review?

I like to review folders, contests, forums... item types that no one ever bothers to review. It makes portfolios look more complete somehow to have bunches of purple stars. I also think folders are about effort not writing quality, so they're just nice, happy things to do. Seemed like the right call for an 'honoring vets' challenge.

So, here's a quickie review/rating for you. Three blogs... not a whole lot of entries between them YET, but hey... there's time enough for all of that. I'm sure you'll get back into writing when you have more time.

Cheers!

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108

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#4262947

Review of Honoring Our Veterans

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Well, isn't this perfectly fitting, Ken?

I'm working on the challenge over at "a very Wodehouse challenge"

, as you know perfectly well if you read my email before this review.

I'm not super aware of many vets on WDC. I could only think of a few. So I reviewed a couple of those... The Run-on King PDG Member

and Schnujo is Late to Lannister

. And then it occurred to me that you're probably a veteran too. Yup... U.S. Army helicopter pilot. See, I rarely seem to notice these things unless it's the subject of lots of their writing or something. Even then, it's hard to say for sure who is a veteran and who is the parent/spouse/etc of a veteran. At least, it is for me.

Anyway. I came here expecting to review a poem. I've certainly reviewed enough of your poetry over the years... one more? Sure.

But then... I saw this "Honoring Our Veterans" folder in your main port... looking all naked and starless. I figured that it would be perfectly fitting to remedy that.

So, here are some pretty stars for your port. Love you, Ken! I'll be back!

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109

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#4262924

Review of Contest and Challenge Checklist

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hey, Schnujo is Late to Lannister

! Long time no speak!

I'm working on a challenge over at "a very Wodehouse challenge"

and need to review veterans. You were one of the first I thought of, and I hadn't actually reviewed anything of yours in ages... so here I am.

Ummm... I have no idea why this caught my eye. Mostly because I wanted to see how much of your recent writing was for a contest. Contest-prompt poetry is a great exercise, but I like to know that before reviewing. Prompt parameters sometimes make for awkward moments in poetry, so it's nice to be able to say 'Once the contest is over, get rid of that cliche prompt phrase!'.

You know what I mean?

Anyway, I think you caught the list bug. Elle and I have always been huge on lists. ("Invalid Item"

) Some people claim she started it. Some claim I started it. I don't even remember anymore. Some people are just natural born list-makers. The two of us certainly are, and it looks like you are as well. No shame in it.

People wonder how we get things done? Make a list. List people get stuff done... for real.

I see some pretty odd stuff on here, by the way. WYRM is a group, not a contest. The Gauntlet is an offsite contest now with cash prizes (still recommended though, as a former WYRM myself). Some of the contests I didn't know still existed. Say... The Perfect Sonnet Contest? I was a permanent judge for that contest years ago, and the owner shut it down. Is it actually back? Where'd you even find it?

There are so many contests... I can't even. I do love "Contest Central Station"

when looking for something particular, but otherwise, I just can't.

Good luck, my dear! Ohohoh, and looking forward to seeing you in March for "Invalid Item"

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#4258626

Review of 2011

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Alright Jeff! Hello again!

This is the last review you'll be getting from me for quite some time... because it's the last one ANYONE will get from me for quite some time. It's my 24th in the past two days... exceedingly long, all of them. So this one will be short and sweet and to the point. I hope.

Since I reviewed three of your poems, I figured that I might as well review your poetry folder to finish off my senior moderator reviews. I have seen a bit of what you had to offer in here and feel comfortable rating it.

To be fair though, I always give folders 5-star ratings. Reviews for writing... those are based on content. Folders are all about the effort. And there is a whole lot of effort in here! 19 poems... it's nothing to sneeze at, as the saying goes.

You also have a pretty good variety of forms and genres in here. I know that the three poems I reviewed were all different forms. And the genres really run the gamut! There's a little bit of everything in here. Can't go wrong with that.

So that's it. My shortest review this month. I actually managed to keep one short and sweet! Imagine that.

Hope you enjoyed the mini port raid, love.

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#4258617

Review of The Christmas Sweater

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

I'm reviewing some entries from the Parallel Universe Contest because I'm trying to earn the MB... it's a cool one.

Also working on a challenge for Lyn's a sly fox

... and some miscellaneous things.

What Caught My Eye

Why did I choose this one? I knew that there was another poem in this list because I've read it before. I prefer reviewing poetry in general, so I looked for it. And how did I know there was more than one poem? I read them. In fact... I judged them for the Quills.

I was entered in all the free verse categories, but I don't write in form... and I don't rhyme. So I judged it instead.

Favorite Aspects

Well, I remembered this poem, so clearly it made some sort of impression. There were two poems that both had the same approach... both of them are rhyming verse. Both of them used the "you brought an Xbox, but he wanted a sweater!" approach. I think both even used that exact example... an Xbox.

That said, yours is a smoother write.

There are also a whole lot of clever bits and pieces in here aside from the core idea. "I'll brick the hearth, I'll loose the dog" etc... amusing stuff.

Flow / Rhythm

To be honest, the rhythm is the only area where I had issues. For the most part, it's smooth. There are some lines that don't quite fall into the groove. If you have some deep burning desire to make this poem perfect, I'll go through and tell you where they all are. But really, why bother? It's a funny poem. It doesn't need to be perfect... it needs to be funny. And it is... and I'm not the only one who thinks so. You're pretty well set, I'd say... flaws and all.

Effect

That's it! Just wanted to give you a quick "Well done!" It is definitely an enjoyable read.

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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#4258544

Review of Camp California

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

What Caught My Eye

The trip to Brazil caught my attention for this one. That just screams IMAGERY!

I do appreciate unique imagery that differs from what is typical and normal for me, having lived in New England and the Midwest. You know? Mountains... seen them. Endless flat fields... seen them too.

Favorite Aspects

I'm beginning to notice that your line breaks are predictable. One thought, one line. One phrase/clause, one line. I wonder if maybe enjambment and mid-line breaks might not be fun to play with for you. I am an enjambment junky and adore purposeful line breaks, so of course, I think everyone should.

Just a suggestion for growth, I suppose. There's nothing wrong with that you're doing here, and I do appreciate the couple lines where you use the technique. You used it the way I do... to highlight the important words (Nature/Truth/Hope) within a phrase. It worked nicely.

Language / Word Choice

For this form, I tend to look for a connection between the first and last word. There isn't much of one here. Camp and Hope. There is no obvious way to get from one to the other. It's not necessarily an issue, but for poems that do it, I view it as a strength. The form calls those two words to attention, so the stronger the relationship, the stronger the overall message.

The repetition of structure in lines three and four make them and the following line seem a bit stiff. Each is written as an aside. The subject is these three things... and a list of those three things. It could be more engaging, I'd think. The structures at the end of the poem, by contrast, are much more engaging (in part because of the mid-thought line breaks that I love so much).

"where innocence is reclaimed" is a bit bulky. "A place to foster hope / and reclaim innocence." This would serve the same purpose without the bulk AND give you more syllables to play with. Say.... "and reclaim innocence. Shocked / that some have never seen the trees / or splashed around in a swimming pool, Mother Nature" -- and continuing on with a new sentence structure, Mother Nature would be the one who is shocked and it cuts some commas that make the flow more stagnant than needed.

Just a suggestion.

I did mention that I can't help myself when it comes to playing with poetry, right? My nearest and dearest actually indulge me, allowing me to rewrite or revise their poems just to amuse myself. It's just the way it goes.

Effect

Alright, my dear... I'll leave you with that. This was an enjoyable piece for sure. There are some little nit-picky things that keep it from moving from "good" to "great/amazing", but honestly, there's nothing wrong with "good". It works.

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#4258542

Review of Red With Regret

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

What Caught My Eye

Blitz poems are interesting to me. They are simple to write but difficult to write well. I've written one, despite never writing form poetry. It was a collaboration while intoxicated (written with Charlie, of course). The result was amusing but not "good".

I've also read and reviewed several blitz poems based on this image. So, why not try another?

Favorite Aspects

Some of the repeated words were well-chosen. Unknown... that one worked out well, and there is a distinction between paths into the unknown and unknown destinations. It provides clarity, really. That is a nicely written section. I also like the shift in meaning with "Own".

Language / Word Choice

You stuck with your theme pretty well. That seems to be difficult at times with this form. There is also nice progression from beginning to end (from uncertainty/confusion/unknown to sins/poor decisions/regret). The messages are super repetitive, but honestly, I expect nothing less from a Blitz poem. It is difficult to steadily move forward with that much repetition.

I don't recall form changes being allowed in the form, but I trust that you did your homework there. Say... from "shadow" to "shadowy" and "face" to "facing". Rather than read the parameters of the form again, I'll assume that's fine.

Some of the lines are longer than I would expect. It throws off the flow at times, and there may be simpler terms to use. Say... "Decisions we foolishly pursued" vs "Decisions foolishly pursued", even small tweaks make a big difference. For that line, "without looking back" doesn't add much there either... I'd ax it.

Other times, the language repetitions make them easy to cut. "long dark paths"... you repeated Paths and Dark already, so it's not adding important information to use them again. Come up with something fresh. "Decisions to travel frightening trails" or something, just as an example, uses some fresher word choice. For each of those long lines, I'd take another look.

Effect

I've read better blitz poems, but I've read far far FAR worse.

You did pretty well with it, especially considering that most people approach these as a 'no brainer' write-by-association form. Yours holds up to scrutiny better than I ever assume to be the case. Nicely done.

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#4258536

Review of Sin

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (2.5)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

What Caught My Eye

Woah... you DO have poetry!

This wont be as bad as I thought. Not that reviewing your stories is bad... I've done a fair bit of it. You know how to write, so it isn't exactly painful. Reviewing poetry though? That's home for me. I love it. Poetry in general is what I love.

So... I saw "first attempt at free form", and that was enough for me. I am a free verse writer. I think I have like 6 form poems in my port versus hundreds of free verse pieces. It has also been a constant reading source for years now... I love modern free verse (I recommend Tony Hoagland, by the way... I've been obsessing over him for at least a year now). Anyway... first attempt, 12 ratings, 4.5 overall? That doesn't sound right at all. I had to see this miraculous 'beginner's luck' poem. No offense to your writing abilities, but that is just not possible.

Language / Word Choice

This is essentially a list poem, but I didn't know that going in. Generally, meaning is carried from one line to the next... which holds to be untrue after the third line doesn't flow from the second but from the first. It was a bit jarring, but I recovered.

I think that your phrasing is a bit bulky. It makes flow from one list item to the next really choppy, which is sort of the opposite of poetry. Since this is your first effort, I'll just use the first stanza for examples of iffy language.

'Envy / Jealous of what someone else might own'

Using a synonym for "envy" in the next line just seems repetitive but not in a good way. That was my first thought. If you're envious, you're jealous? You don't say.

All of the lines in the first stanza read as prose rather than poetry. It might help to write the first two lines from the perspective of the sin (i.e. use the voice of envy), while the following two lines respond to the sin itself. Like... a conversation. If that seems too 'out there' for you, you could still change the structures or expressions to not read like a work meeting's agenda.

"Jealous" - green... use an image
"seeds sown" - again, could use an image

Essentially, using imagery to bring your point into the readers' minds without saying everything outright would serve you well. It's also more creative and engaging. What if envy is a farmer? Playing with that idea...

They are as green as the blooms of discontentment sown through fertile fields with a "no trespassing" sign. Now, this spin may seem like a stretch to you, but it is interesting... Envy/green used in close proximity has an obvious connotation. Pulling the "sow the seeds of discontentment" (which is a cliche) into an actual situation makes it no longer a cliche... it becomes a setting. While a 'no trespassing sign' is an image that would have the same message as "what someone else might own".

Do you see what I'm getting at here? The messages are all in place. How you express them is pedestrian and disconnected. I mean no offense here, love. It's just not emotive as written. "This emotion is characterized by..." is pretty much the opposite of emotive. You make excellent points and have some good ideas going on, but they aren't memorable in their current state.

Effect

I do quite like the structure you created for yourself. List poems do face the danger of becoming stagnant and too disconnected to function well, and I think that was an issue here. However, I see endless possibilities in the structure of Sin-Description of Sin-Defiance. You lose that structure in later stanzas (e.g. "Pride" has no 'tips'... just description). But it's a good idea.

I'm sure that I've given you more than enough fodder to get your wheels spinning here. There is real promise... it's just not there yet.

Oh... and one more thing because I just have to. Decide on a tone and try not to shift around too much. Progress it (a gradual shift from light to heavy) or use a slap-in-the-face (an abrupt change in an otherwise consistent tone)... but be deliberate. Some of these are serious while others are light and it bounces back and forth a bit. In particular, near the end (a crucial time when the poem is concluding), the shift is damaging:

"spiritual war"
"mortal flesh"
"sharpest sting"
"some may think you're crazy for wanting to be lazy"
"wretched hate"

You see the tone shift there? There is no way that Sloth is in the same vein as the stanzas surrounding it. Rather than list the sins in alphabetical order, you may be better served to place them in order from lightest to heaviest.

Okay, I'm done now for sure. Sorry... I get excited when I see possibilities in a poem. I just want to dissect it and play around with it.

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#4258528

Review of Writing.Com Erotica on the Down-Low

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Hey, Jeff. I'm working on your UENG challenge. I'm the 4th person to finish (if I finish), and I will be very very bummed if I don't happen to "win" one of these badges. I've loved that MB since I first saw it... it just looks amazing. And since I'm not an erotica person, I figure this is about my only chance to get it.

You're killing me, broseph!

Anyway, I'm reviewing you for your challenge but also for a few other "X number of sr mod reviews" challenges, so I'd be giving you some reviews anyway. You might as well count on getting a couple more from me. I think... 5 all together. And I mention this so that there is no guilt when I fail to win the UENG MB.

Though of course, you probably have no shame... I know I don't.

I clicked on this having read only the title. I just expected tips of some sort. Having read 2-3 of your screenwriting guides, I figured it might be interesting. I know how to keep everything private on WDC, so this isn't helpful to me... but it's surely helpful to someone.

Spelling out the advantages and disadvantages for each setting was a good idea. I tend to think of the advantage as "a segment of people wont see it" and the disadvantage as "a segment of people wont see it".

You know what I mean. On one hand, you don't want every random fool to see it... on the other, some of those random fools might be interested and quite like what you're doing.

I tend to be a "Registered Authors and higher" person as a default (I wish it really was a default!).

There are actually a good many practical applications outside erotica for this little guide. The rating restrictions all apply to horror too... and everyone on the site should really know how the privacy ratings work. It's important.

That's it. I figured that I'd get one erotica/romance type review in for you... and this is it. I know you write stories more than poetry. I'm miserable at story reviews in general, and my romance/erotica interest is pretty low. So, I'm the worst reviewer ever for your erotica stories.

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#4258348

Review of Write from the Heart - closed

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Hey, Purple is House Florent

! I meant to review you the other day, and it got too late. Coincidentally, I'm not working on a challenge that requires a review of a romance contest.

So... here's that review after all!

The image you use as a logo at the top is cute. No words on it... but still cute. It would make an amazing MB actually! Branches that form a heart? Yeah, I can totally see that. If the contest really takes off, then you should totally do it.

The contest is pretty new, but it looks popular as heck, if September is any indication. I'll be entering shortly too, since I need to enter a romance contest. I write almost solely poetry, so yours is by far the winner in my book! All of the other romance contests I'm aware of are specifically story contests.

I like the picture prompt. Pictures are much much better than word prompts for me. The less intrusive the prompt, the better. Images lend themselves well to interpretation, so kudos on that. If you made the 'prompt optional' rule, that would be even better, but I'll never complain with images.

As far as the rules go... nothing shocking there. I prefer old or new accepted, but you know... you can't follow a prompt that didn't exist yet. I get that. It's another preference of mine but I might as well mention it... I prefer to post my word/line counts in the forum post rather than in the poem itself. I'm weird and picky like that I guess?

Now, I'm not suggesting that you change your contest or rules. Just letting you know my preferences. I write poetry... so I'm sort of a part of your intended contestant pool. It's just feedback to do with what you want. And hey... when push comes to shove, I'll enter anyway if it's on my agenda.

I hope you do well with it... and I think you will, love. It's nice to see some romance contests and activities that aren't February-only. Hey, there is romance outside of Valentine's Day, isn't there?

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#4258308

Review of After The Storm

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Hey Witchy One!

I'm working on multiple review challenges right now, and one of them is from "The WDC Angel Army"

. Since I saw you keeping the forums up-to-date in the review forum, I figured that I'd poke through your portfolio.

What Caught My Eye

Well... I popped into your "variety of stuff" folder because I figured that I'd stumble across something fun. I've been looking for some romance/erotica to review for a few challenges and did a "romance" search. This came up... and it was new... and it's a haiku. So why not?

Favorite Aspects

I find it amusing that you wrote a haiku for your GoT challenge.

Work smart, not hard, hmm?

Language / Word Choice

For this form, every word counts. Here, there are some uninteresting words... after the, by the. Seems like you could have done something cool with those syllables.

"After" made me think the poem would be past tense, but "winter's" is present tense (since possessive would make no sense). There is nothing technically wrong here, but it got me confused for some reason.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

I do believe this is more along the lines of a Senryu, by the way. It is about people but uses nature imagery. I'm not super into writing in either form, but I'm pretty sure this fits the Senryu label better than 'haiku'. I do think it has that clever twist so necessary for the forms though... talking about nature and then the twist puts it all into a new perspective. A storm... an argument. Clever. This does read as a sentence, and I believe that is not the ideal for the form. Again though, I'm not an expert haiku/senryu person.

Effect

I think that is about it, my dear. It's a decent piece. The rhyme threw me off quite a bit, since I never expect an end rhyme in a haiku. The -ing in the final line seems like a wasted syllable as well. And with those last few suggestions, I'll take my leave.

No idea if you ever plan to revise this or not, but if you do... here's some fodder for your efforts.

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#4258305

Review of Atlas

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Welcome to WDC!

I hope you enjoy your time here!

I'm working on multiple review challenges right now, and one of them is from "The WDC Angel Army"

. Since you are in the spotlight, I figured that I'd poke through your portfolio.

What Caught My Eye

I enjoy Greek mythology, so I thought I'd give it a look.

Language / Word Choice

There is no action in the first two lines to hook the reader. The this, the that... where is the verb? Where's the continuation of the though? There isn't one, it just moves on to the next idea. Fragments have their place in poetry, but this isn't effective.

The archaic word choice seemed out of place in the first stanza as well... "they shall give in beneath..." doesn't work that well. I can see the inclination, since Atlas is old. But it still struck me as strange and also made that line too long to flow properly.

In the next stanza, the predicates are all "is". That's a bit boring, just reading a list of "This is that" over and over.

You do have some poetic phrasing in this piece. "Each man cedes this sad domain", for instance. You do have an epic vibe going on.

Effect

I'd recommend filling out the genres you chose, by the way. No one searches for "Other" when looking for things to read. "Mythology" is a genre, by the way. Seems like an obvious one.

Anyway, that's it. I think you have a decent first draft here... just needs some polish and fine-tuning. Good luck with it.

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#4258292

Review of Nameless Village, Faceless Me

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Welcome to WDC!

I hope you enjoy your time here!

I'm working on multiple review challenges right now, and one of them is from "The WDC Angel Army"

. Since you are in the spotlight, I figured that I'd poke through your portfolio.

What Caught My Eye

I really really like the title of this piece. The description adds to it a bit, but really, I clicked this solely because of the title.

Favorite Aspects

You have some really nice word choice in here. I'm always a sucker for strong words. Blistering, amputees, cafe, hesitance, holocaust... very particular and thoughtful.

Language / Word Choice

There are also some less interesting phrases in here. Sadly, the first and last lines are among them. Soul's dying innocence... boring. Those words get used so often that they fail to be emotive at all.

The opening has a cutesy sort of vibe that doesn't seem entirely appropriate for the poem, but it did create an interesting contrast with the second line.

Flow / Rhythm

You fall into "endless list" territory here. Starting with "No echo now" and continuing to "Of just how fragile"... basically, the majority of the poem... feels static. You should vary it more for the same reason that no one wants to read a story written entirely in short choppy sentences... it gets boring.

There is this, and that
this thing, of the that
a such-and-such, a such

It just goes on and on that way. Monotonous.

You could easily change it up without actually changing the meaning of the lines too. Here is just one example of a 'get rid of some commas for the love of...' tweak:

Who walk, eyes wide, on blistering knees
Who wide-eyed walk on blistering knees

It isn't that difficult to shift some things around to remove some of these short and clunky phrases.

Effect

Overall, I think that you have some really solid stuff in here. You also have some weak areas that could use some work. It's definitely worth the effort to polish it up though. The message could be strong and the solid phrasing could be more effective without the constant pausing and mixed in cliches (like 'dying innocence'). This is a very nice first draft though.

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#4258259

Review of Tattooed

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Hey, Fivesixer

! I swear man... if I type {user:norb} ONE more time!

I thought that habit was gone, but I guess not quite yet, huh?

Anyway, I'm working on a whole bunch of activities right now (since I have all of two days to do a bunch of them from start to finish)... all of them require reviews. So... I'm reviewing you. You won Shaye's Cards Against Authors... that's where I got your name from this time.

What Caught My Eye

I read this... and I loved it. So why not review it? Well... because I'm technically 'the competition' in the same contest. If I give it a low rating, that might harm what the judges think of it because, well... it happens. BUT I decided to do it anyway because I have no reason to give it a bad rating. I'd probably go with 4... but I can easily bump it up to 4.5, which is perfectly reasonable, no? The good parts are super super good.

Favorite Aspects

LOVE the first line. Amazing hook. Love the second line just as much. Perfection on a stick, bro.

Language / Word Choice

You had me until the 'and she's running out of patience for excuses to make up' line. The flow is a bit wonky on that one. 'out of patience for excuses' had me stumbling. And that is one 'makeup/make-up/make up' too many for me too. The meaning is totally necessary and fits quite well... I could even get by the 'make up' if the line was smooth.

And I stay in 'meh' mode until "but the shame's been replaced". I dig the line... with "with an image" throws the flow off again for me. I'd consider replacing that. Obviously a mirror is visual, so a replacement would be visible as well. Regardless though, you can replace one emotion for another (shame-perseverance) without an 'image'. I'd consider a short modifier in there instead of "an image". "But the shame's been replaced with pure perseverance", just as a for instance? It's short and shifts the rhythm so that 'perseverance' doesn't seem way too long and tongue twisty. My two cents.

Flow / Rhythm

There could be some general tightening in here... but that is a Norbism type of thing. I could always tighten the heck out of your poems. It's just... the nature of our styles. Little things though, man... the flow would be better for it. "Gifted with opportunity to write her narrative"... just cutting that little "a" works for the flow and it provides a stronger phrase. Opportunity is a gift... it says that pretty clearly before moving on with the original meaning. Just saying... a bit of debulking would be cool.

One more and then I'll let it go. Promise.

I love the meaning of the last few lines... especially the last line. But it could be tighter. "is her way of reclaiming what be beat from her history" - means the exact same thing and is much less awkward flow-wise. Another option "is her way to reclaim what he beat from her history"... much cleaner and means exactly the same thing. That type of tightening would be great throughout, really.

Effect

Okay, I'm done!

Love the piece, Norb. If has a whole lot going for it. But honestly, I'd probably feel fine giving it a 4.5 based on that opening line alone. Wish it was mine. And I think you have me beat in the contest.

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#4258254

Review of White Flag

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

Hi, Cheri Annemos

!

I haven't reviewed you in ages and ages. I can't even remember the last time, really. I'm working on a whole bunch of challenges that require reviews, so I thought I'd hit some portfolios that I hadn't been in for a while.

Gotta say that I'm glad and amazed to see how much you've been writing lately, love. I poked through your poetry folder to see tons of new stuff. Your contest folder? Tons of stuff. You're just a busy lady!

What Caught My Eye

I decided to look through the contest folder because I love reading flash fiction and figured there might be something in here. Contest entries are also written fast usually and often go unedited... so there is a good chance that I'll have something to say.

Pretty sure that I have tons of these contest stories sitting unedited in my port too.

The title of this one caught my eye. I immediately wondered who was surrendering... in what context. It hooked me for sure. And of course, the size of the item screamed "flash fiction" at me.

Favorite Aspects

I appreciate that you launch them directly into the middle of a fight. Not the beginning of one, but the middle.

Intro & Ending

I like to focus a bit on introductions and conclusions when I review stories of any kind because they serve as your hook (to keep people reading) and the statement that determines whether or not a reader is satisfied with the reading experience.

The intro seemed strange to me when first reading it. Who is "He"? Who is "She"? And why are they just... sitting? As far as action goes, it's a bit boring. Instead of "He sat at the desk, working on the Carmichael case"... I'd consider making the work the active verb and also changing it from a specific name. I kept waiting for them to get back to the case... didn't happen. So, that disappointed me a little. "Bill stared at the spreadsheets littering his desk, trying not to notice Melanie as she..." That sort of thing might be more engaging for you

Also, in the second paragraph when you still hadn't told us their names, I'd have quit reading if it hadn't been YOUR story.

The ending works... perfunctory but works. I don't know that I'd call it satisfying, but I wasn't super annoyed with it or anything.

Fundamentals(s)

The setting is very loose, but it's enough.

The characterization is very VERY light here. That may be one of the reasons why the ending was sort of a "shrug moment" for me. I don't care about either of them.

The tone is consistent throughout.

The dialogue isn't too stilted. I'm alright with it.

Some of these missing or too-light fundamentals are just because of the length. I think you could leave it the same length and include some of these by cutting details that don't matter and a bit of repetition in the argument.

Effect

Overall, I think it's an alright draft. It is bare-bones right now of course. I see it as a quick write for a contest that never got looked at again. We all do it.

For what it is, it's fine. But it could be more if you wanted to give it a try. Cheers, love!

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#4247266

Review of Poetry

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Brought to you by "Simply Positive Review Forum " !

What Caught My Eye

I have one more newbie review to do for July, and I liked your poem enough to peek through some others. That is a pretty big compliment from me, really. I tend to be a pretty honest reviewer in general but especially when it comes to poetry. I want something interesting and unique and emotive... something to sink my teeth into. The second stanza of "Surrey's Pond" provided that... so I thought maybe something else in here would as well.

But then...

I'm sort of a sucker for reviewing folders. Why? No one ever does it. I review folders that are 12 years old... 14 years old... and have never been reviewed. It's just not something people thing to do. So, if I don't do it, who knows how long it will sit in your port all naked and starless?

It's also a nice change of pace after reviewing lots of poetry. I love poetry... adore it... expect wonderful things every time I open one. So, I point out ways to take it from where it is to where it COULD be and usually disregard the effort put into the poem. The result is what matters to a reader, not that someone spent 5 hours crafting a mess. Know what I mean?

So... folders are my opportunity to give people a thumbs up for the effort. Making the effort is important... it's how we grow and improve and amuse ourselves. I appreciate the time and effort people put into their work in general, regardless of the end result. Thus, I always give folders 5 stars.

Overall

I read through all of the poems in this folder. You have pretty interesting word choice sometimes, bordering on cliche here and there. I appreciate the use of spacing in a few of them as well... I'm a huge fan of playing with line breaks and spacing myself. The imagery is all nature-related for the most part, which can be stale if you're not careful. I might challenge you to write a piece with strong imagery that has nothing to do with nature. Might be a fun exercise.

Anyway... keep working on your craft, love. You're starting from a better place than some (or perhaps even 'most') amateur/hobby writers who join WDC. There is definitely potential for improvement.

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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#4247231

Review of Muddling the way to home

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.0)

What Caught My Eye

I'm just looking for a few newbie poems to review, and I stumbled across your piece. The title caught my eye, and after reading, I have some things to say. Might as well review it, hmmm?

Language / Word Choice

A "raged" ocean? Raged is not an adjective, so that threw me a bit. "Enraged" is an adjective, so perhaps that's what you meant here? Or "ragged"? As it is now, it's just off-putting because the word isn't used correctly. The same goes for the "raged current".

Overuse of the word "silver" in here for sure. I'd definitely use synonyms or restructure so that you can mention the fish once and then make it clear that you're still talking about them.

"Hues of silver and blue colors" means the same thing are "Hues of silver and blue". In fact, that makes more sense. Silver isn't a color that has multiple shades really... it is a metallic. Hues and color are also synonyms.

"Blue colors" / "blue color" / "azure color" - you said the same thing three times all in a row. That isn't necessary.

"and got themselves stranded" - weak verb here. "And got themselves" is an overly wordy and conversational way of saying "became". Simple is often best.

"Is to long for the next" - "too". Also, how can hope be "too long"? Word choice seems off there.

"so as they can" - What? This isn't something anyone would say even in conversation. The epitome of filler. It sucks meaning and attention away from your final statement.

To be honest, with all the weird grammar and word choice, I can barely understand your last few lines. Slash and burn, man. Seriously... cut out the extraneous words and phrasing and make your point clear.

Effect

Overall, you have a few moments of very nice word choice buried in a sea of repetition and filler. This definitely needs some cleaning. You have a very solid topic for a poem here... some nice imagery as well. Time to get to work on the next draft. It will be worth the effort.

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#4247213

Review of Love and Water Droplets

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

What Caught My Eye

I was just looking for some newbie poetry to review and stumbled across your poem. I review mostly poetry in general, and I try to review lots of people who are new to WDC.

Favorite Aspects

The juxtaposition of senses is nice. In particular, the 'noise of diamond'. Quite lovely. There is some filler in the phrasing, and the repetitive quality of "the this of this. the that of that' doesn't work well, but some of the juxtapositions are still nice. The use of four fragments in the first stanza... two additional fragments in the next... it's a bit overkill before you get to the point. I might consider giving the reader some sort of point by completing at least one thought in the first stanza.

Language / Word Choice

"not to woh" - the word is "woe" as in... sorrow, sadness, distress.

Back to my suggestion of completing a thought-- the fragments also remove all action from the phrasing. "The waves splashes on the grave".. "The storm challenges"... "the pearls disturb"... "the star pierces" - this is action. Using "-ING" sucks all of the action from the lines.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

The rhyme scheme is a bit... skewed. The abab cc ddee pattern is a bit odd. While reading, I had no idea what to expect for any given line.

Effect

Overall, I think that you have some lovely ideas in this piece... interesting imagery and quirky phrasing. All good things. It reads as a rough first draft, but there is promise here.

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#4247201

Review of Would she have died?

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Alright, love. Sal forwarded your email requesting a review for the item you placed with in the June round of her contest. I usually write really long reviews, but I'm going to keep this short if possible. It's a long piece, so I'll focus where needed.

What Caught My Eye

The "undermining of the moss" is the first line that really sold me on this poem. I adore it.

Favorite Aspects

There are plenty of other snippets that are good though. Some great imagery in here. Other examples: "lodge silver / maggots in crystal" and "Bitten by teethless shells" (which would normally be 'toothless' even plural, but I like it anyway).

Language / Word Choice

There are some oddities throughout, which I attribute to the translation/native language thing. They're not a really big deal for the most part, but the meaning gets muddy at times.

Lines two and three, for instance... what was hidden and held into her? Since you don't say what you're talking about in the first three lines, there is no hook. The first line is intriguing, the next two are an incomplete thought that are nicely phrased but missing key information.

"She would be nailed onto wooden cross pillars
And growing under green roller blinds."

This seems to be a common "what's that mean?" moment throughout... the -ING makes no sense grammatically. Do you mean "She would be nailed and grow" or "pillars grow green" or growing under blinds, she would be nailed"? The "and" throws me because grammatically, it doesn't work. Grammar tells us what to expect and how to interpret words... here, the clues are off.

Anywhere you see "-ING", I would check for clarity. "Softly flooding hurting her measures" should have a comma between the two. "A mole's way repleted gripping"... is 'repleted gripping' a thing, or are they different thoughts? I don't understand how a "way" could be both replete and gripping, but that's what it says. Perhaps "gripping towards the light, the mole"? In short-- "replete" describes the "way" and "gripping toward the light" describes the mole?

These are the types of things I found throughout. The clarity is a problem. I have had to read some of it quite a few times to figure out what you're talking about. Don't feel bad though... for the most part, these are the types of mistakes that some English-as-a-first-language people have problems with. Say, the 'replete gripping'? If I'm understanding it correctly, that is just a dangling modifier... I see them constantly.

Effect

Okay, so I didn't do a great job of keeping this short.

It happens. Congrats on the 2nd place win, love. Yours was one of my favorites. Sure, it has problems, but it is a stunning draft. Your truly stunning phrases here are better than any others in the contest, in my view. And the fact that it's a translation and utilizes interesting word choice? Impressive, if a bit "thesaurus vomit" at times, no offense. Sometimes, "sad" serves you better than "disconsolate"... you don't want people to be exhausted by the time they finish, right?

So... 5 stars for effort. 2.5 stars for the readability of the current draft. I'd say that ranks about 3.5 in total. And a fine piece of work well worth the time it will take to polish it.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .