Cinn's (cinnamonfringe) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

1,621 Public Reviews Given

1,644 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).

I'm good at...

Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.

Favorite Genres

Free Verse, Scifi, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical

Favorite Item Types

Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.

Least Favorite Item Types

Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.

I will not review...

I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.

51

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4381271

Review of Sorry

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (1.5)

Hello!

I am one of the judges for the November 2017 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

What Caught My Eye

Well, given the quote that inspired the story, the Comedy/Relationship genres seemed like a good idea to me!

Favorite Aspects

The ending was pretty cute.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The beginning didn't necessarily act as a "hook" in this case. I was pretty confused as to who the characters were and what they were talking about. I had to read this bit many times to figure out what was going on:

"You just said, keep in mind in front of David,'Of course I talk like an idiot, how else would you understand me ?' " "Look, David laughed, so what?"

Mostly, this was because of the punctuation. I went back and forth several times on whether this was all one person speaking or two. Here:

"You just said, keep in mind in front of David, 'Of course I talk like an idiot, how else would you understand me?'".

"Look, David laughed, so what?"

That would clarify. The second problem was the phrasing, which was a bit unclear to me. After several reads, I finally think I have it nailed down:

"You just said, in front of David, 'Of course I talk..."
"David laughed, so what's the big deal?"

Is that right? If so, I imagine that David laughing was part of the issue... it was implied in the prior line.

I also honestly kept thinking it was supposed to say "Of course she talks like an idiot. How else would she understand you." Something insulting? I didn't really connect why calling him an idiot would lead to "Now I look like an idiot!" from one of the girls. I think I get it now. They weren't talking TO David... but to each other in his presence. Again, this could all have been made a little clearer through the phrasing and perhaps a bit more lead-in.

The confusion continues too. The mention of the test and bad grade didn't seem to connect to the first part. At this point, I would probably have stopped reading. It was just took too much effort to figure out what was going on.

Language

This is actually a bit dialogue heavy. It might have helped to have a bit of description someplace in here. Was this at school? On the walk home? In the cafeteria? Some description of the girls might have helped to differentiate between the two as well. Or some more distinctive voices for the two. As it is, I kept losing track of who was speaking when, and context only helped so much.

On a side note: Mam' = Ma'am?

Setting & Plot

There is no setting, as mentioned. The plot is a brief slice of life between two friends... a little argument. With such a short word count, it's difficult to create a fully developed plot. That said, I think this could have been quite full with a bit more clarification and some description.

Effect

Well... I can't say that I enjoyed reading the piece, given the number of times I had to reread and go back to figure out who was talking. I think you probably had a really detailed scene in your mind and a fair bit of backstory that didn't make it onto the page. Adding a bit more to it would help. This is clearly a first draft (which is reflected in my rating), but it could be a really nice YA piece with a bit of polish. Thanks so much for the entry!

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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52

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14 days may be credited.

#4381270

Review of Fooled You, Mom!

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello!

I am one of the judges for the November 2017 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

What Caught My Eye

I quite like using letters or journal entries as a storytelling device. It would have been a shame to have the entire story contained in letter format (generally, that's all telling in practicality), so I'm glad you didn't go that route.

Favorite Aspects

There was a nice balance of dialogue to description.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The letter sets up the story well, and the voice is pretty strong. The issue for me was the grammar in the letter wasn't as solid as the grammar in the rest of the story. In particular, the missing commas from compound sentences. The very first sentence is a run-on. "I went, and she said." There is another just a few lines down... "I did, and it's now."

I understand that the letter is a different voice than the narrator, but really... the grammar issues drive me batty. I'd stick with a unique voice but uniform grammar. Some grammatical issues (the occasional sentence fragment or emotional run-on) makes sense for a letter. Others not so much. When in doubt... just go with standard grammar.

The ending was okay. Nothing flashy... which makes it more believable but less memorable for this type of piece.

Setting & Plot

The "plot" is pretty loose. It's more of a slice-of-life piece. Nothing wrong with that. However, I thought the conversation went on longer than needed, and there were a few bits of dialogue that seemed odd to me... like no one would say that. But then, different cultures behave differently... so it might seem strange to me but perfectly reasonable to others. Hence, no specific suggestions for changes.

Effect

Well, I've read and reviewed a fair bit of your work by now. This is one of the more interesting pieces I've read from you. It has some of the stylistic choices that I'm accustomed to seeing from you... including conversations that seem super drawn-out to me. Again though, that is a choice. Overall, it was a fine read, aside from the grammar in that opening letter. Thanks for the entry!

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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53

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14 days may be credited.

#4381268

Review of That Wasn't Hilarious

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (2.5)

Hello!

I am one of the judges for the November 2017 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

What Caught My Eye

Honestly... I love the title. It sounds like something I'd use for one of my snarkier poems.

Favorite Aspects

Ummm... I like what I think you were going for.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

As soon as I see "I have a weird sense of humor", I expect to see something crazy original and, well... weird. Let's see some weird humor. That didn't happen really.

"I’m the king when at being funny." -- I'm guessing this is a first draft.

Really, explaining for a long time exactly what type of funny he is... it got tedious.

The ending... well... I was glad to see it end.

Language

"Her head kept flying all around her."

The above is hyperbole, and really... it doesn't make a clear image or message for the reader. You could use some work on your writing... The actual putting together of words. Your pacing is good. The grammar is alright for the most part. You seem to be better than I am at creating an actual story (based on the several I've read). But where's the love and care in your word choice? Where's the finesse?

There is a fair bit of telling here, and very little showing. She did this. He did that. She said this. He said that. Suddenly, X happened. The reader doesn't get to experience any of it. I'm not big on the 'show don't tell' rule, but you know... sometimes a little showing can enrich the writing and make for a less stagnant reading experience.

There are also a fair number of corny cliches around. I think that was sort of the... vibe you were going for here? But a new twist on an old joke is better than just... an old joke. Just as an example: “And I thought you went out with me because of my body.”

Effect

It seems like the intention here was to create a story about comedy that was... the complete opposite of funny. But you know... in the end, I just really didn't like either character. I assume they were meant to be obnoxious, considering how very obnoxious they are... but some actual humor/charm would have offset it well. I don't know. Somehow, for me as a reader, it's just... off. However, as a judge, I appreciate the effort! I've yet to actually enter an official contest myself... never quite get it together to do that.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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54

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4381267

Review of Lunar Mechanical Turk

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.0)

Hello!

I am one of the judges for the November 2017 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

What Caught My Eye

The title had me hoping for scifi! I was pleased that it was! First, it's the first contest entry I've seen this time around that is genre-specific. Second, I love scifi.

Favorite Aspects

I love some of the little scifi details you have going. Sort of... itty-bitty-miniscule world building.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The intro hooked me just because I wanted to see where you were going with it. The story is SO short, and that intro reads much like a "world builder" line you'd find on the back of a novel.

The ending... honestly, this is the most clever use of the prompt that I've seen. Big points for creativity. I don't think that it entirely works plot-wise... but it's a cute idea.

Language

There is a whole lot of telling (e.g. This happened. That happened. I did this. Then I did that)... and very little showing. So, it wasn't very engaging. This also could have been setup a bit stronger as first person narration by making it clearer who the narrator is telling the story TO and when in time they are supposed to be.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

I have one word, man. Paragraphs. Know them, use them, love them. This would have been far more coherent had you organized it into paragraphs. That is one of the most basic structures in writing... and it is entirely necessary to keep readers from wanting to pull their hair out. It would also help you gather your thoughts and keep on track. There was some waffling in here.

Effect

Overall, I like the idea. I think some bits and pieces in here have promise. I do like the creative use of the prompt (e.g. not just a man and woman having a spat). You'll rate well in the contest for me, probably. But the actual craft of writing could use some work. This is also a rough draft, which is reflected in my rating.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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55

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14 days may be credited.

#4381265

Review of Pumpkin Patch

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello!

I am one of the judges for the November 2017 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

What Caught My Eye

One more entry... one more Relationship/Comedy. I swear... you all had some similar ideas going on here.

Favorite Aspects

There was a good balance of description to dialogue. Some stories are much too heavy in one area or the other. That said, in a 2nd person POV, the less dialogue the better, since the entire story is essentially dialogue. It ended up being a bit more than I'd like... but I'm still happy to see that you tried to give some balance.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The intro wasn't really a hook for me because this isn't my type of story. It sounded very much like the opening to any given romantic comedy film, so I think you nailed it.

The ending was fitting enough. Not super memorable for me personally, but it works.

Setting & Plot

Thank you for including a setting. Somehow, this aspect gets overlooked pretty often. The plot isn't my cuppa, as mentioned, but it seems like a descent one for what it is. It fits your genre.

Voice

The voice is pretty strong. That's always helpful for 2nd person. If you're going to talk AT me, you better have a distinct voice to do it with, right?

Effect

Overall, I think this was a good write. The story certainly wasn't "for me", as they say. But you can write. 4-stars is just... "good" from me. You did well with this.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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56

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14 days may be credited.

#4377999

Review of The Survivalist

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey 🌕 HuntersMoon

! Long time no review, bro!

What Caught My Eye

I'm reviewing some winners and HMs over at the Distorted Minds contest... working on a Wodehouse challenge (and very nearly too late!).

Favorite Aspects

I like the tone most. Some of the details are quite nice as well. I dig the creepier-than-expected ending too. But the tone is master class.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The opening two lines didn't really hook me. Like... HOOK me. But they set the scene very well for such short lines. Ah, us poetry people do know how to set a scene and provide a strong tone with few words.

It's a very helpful skill to have.

Anyway, the ticking down of the doomsday clock DID hook me. Considering how short the opening is... I think it works. However, the punctuation threw me a bit. I assumed that the quote indicated that this is what was on the screen from the previous line. But then... another " appears at the beginning of a line. So... you have two open quotes with zero closing quotes. I had to read that several times to make sure that I knew what you were doing there. Quick revision. The ending, I'll talk about below.

Plot

I was wondering where this was going, love. When you got to the nausea and whatnot, I thought maybe the end HAD come and he was in some old-timey bunker trying to ride it out. That would have been both expected AND reasonable given the story.

The ending was one of those... bad twists that weren't setup well prior. Some light foreshadowing would have helped... maybe a cockroach crawls near his foot, and he lets it go, considering it family. That type of little detail. Anything to make the leap to "chitin shell under the skin" a bit more reasonable.

That said, I sorta LOVE that idea.

Sounds like something I'd use in a poem. It's creepy but cool. Lots of potential metaphors in it. Just set it up a bit better so that it doesn't feel so "wtf".

Effect

That's all I've got for you, Ken! You know you can write. I've only reviewed you about a bazillion times... so I know you can write too.

It was a fun ride, even with that "where'd this come from?" ending. If you do nothing else, just add those missing quotation marks for the anal-retentive grammar-freak readers (you know... like me).

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57

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14 days may be credited.

#4377997

Review of Rapunzel

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Hi RainbowFish

!

What Caught My Eye

I'm doing a Wodehouse challenge and need to review some of the past winners and honorable mentions from the Distorted Minds contest. I like a dark retelling of a classic fairy tale as much as the next person, so I thought I'd give it a go.

Favorite Aspects

I do like the twist on a classic. I wasn't sure what it would be, but I knew there would be one. You nailed the fairy tale/tall tale tone as well.

Beginning & End
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

Really, I thought the intro was sort of an... "Okay, okay... we know the story, so let's move it along". That was what went through my mind. However, I liked the stages you went through afterward with the "I'll come back when..." lines. And really, it is fitting for a fairy tale.

The ending was... not really what I expected. The twist seemed very tame to me, considering it was for a contest that allows ratings up to XGC. Can't fault you for that, though. It's very kid-friendly throughout.

That said, your story ends here: "Her voice drew his gaze to where her mouth should be, but horror of horrors! He could not see it! There was only hair"

That's the end. Bam... we have the twist. The kiss and all of that read like filler. I'd recommend cutting most of it. "She has a beard. 'But she's still my princess,' he thought before planting a scratchy kiss on her" or whatever. Like... abridge that. It would be stronger to just end fast, I think.

Effect

Overall, I think this was alright. I somehow didn't really enjoy reading it though. Most of the story was pretty a pretty straightforward retelling of a story we all know. There were a few original bits, but there weren't enough to really hold my interest. And the ending didn't quite have the punch I was expecting, mostly because it was drawn out a bit more than needed.

So I didn't love it. But I didn't dislike it either. In general though, I would say that you can write. It's very clear... your dialogue has proper punctuation... it was an easy enough read. I appreciate that.

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58

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14 days may be credited.

#4342161

Review of What cannot be done.

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hello, Breach

!

I am one of the judges for the June 2017 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

Favorite Aspects

The internal dialogue of procrastination is sort of amusing.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

You know, there is truth to that "start with action" bit of advice to immediately engage a reader. Sitting at a desk... not really action. The typo "not use to" rather than "used to" also doesn't bode well. As a writer, it's also difficult to accept the "this can't be done in 2000 words" philosophy of the MC. It can be done... it simply takes skill. I was also quite curious as to why this had to be done. For a certain publication? A contest? What are the stakes here?

This reads as more of an autobiographical account than an actual story, which is proven true at the end. I'm guilty of writing one of these myself. It was even shorter than yours, and it was about a girl who wished she hadn't signed up for a contest (i.e. a multi-day contest that threw a terrible prompt at her). She sat glaring at the prompt envisioning dark things. In the end, she came up with nothing.

It was more prose poetry than story. I'll give you this: Yours reads a bit more like a story than mine did.

Character

There isn't much character here, really. Michael comes off as sort of... whiny? Lazy? No offense meant, if he is really you.

We've all been there, but we don't all necessarily want to revisit.

Setting & Plot

None really, beyond the small sphere of desk/chair.

Voice

Pretty authentic, really.

Originality

Well, some people might find it original, but I can't. Obviously, if I've written the same type of story, it can't be that original to see someone else do it.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

It could use some revision, but it was much much better than I expected after that first-line typo.

Effect

You got your entry in! Well done on that, love!

Good luck and please consider entering again!

Review brought to you by "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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59

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14 days may be credited.

#4342158

Review of An Unthinkable Act

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello, Christopher Roy Denton

!

I am one of the judges for the June 2017 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The intro is a bit on the generic side, both in language and characterization. That said, it does a good job of introducing this character, typical though it may be. I found the donuts an amusing touch.

The ending didn't ring true to me really, but I guess I'll talk about that a bit later.

Language

Your writing style appears to be simple but effective. Lots of active verb usage, minimal descriptions that provide just enough detail, and a decent balance of dialogue to action. All in all, it's pretty modern... perfect for short attention spans.

Setting & Plot

The plot moved along pretty quickly. It didn't seem particularly fresh to me... nothing felt new. Essentially, every move made is something I've seen before. You did well creating the scenes, but nothing stood out as a "wow" or unexpected moment for the genre.

The second daughter (and grown daughter at that, given the one who died was a baby) came out of nowhere but read as a plot convenience to me. It just wasn't setup well enough prior to that.

The fact that Officer Jim is a racist/xenophobic though... that aspect was setup well. It was slight... and enough to make him unlikable for me (which I assume was intended... but if not, time to revise, as I found nothing likeable about him). It did make me question the ending. He agreed with his daughter but to a lesser degree... and his duty came first to the point of killing his remaining family? That would be more believable if it had been his wife who was a bigot, something the MC didn't agree with.

Effect

Overall, this is pretty well-written from a technical standpoint. What was written though wasn't a story that worked for me on some levels. I'd say it's decent but not your best. For a contest entry with time and word count limits, it's good.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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60

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#4342143

Review of I Can't Do It

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hello, PureSciFi

!

I am one of the judges for the June 2017 round of "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" ! After reading the entries, I like to offer some feedback, but please note that I am only one judge and that this is not a comparison of your work to other entries. This is for your benefit and is not an explanation of how you stacked up against the competition.

Beginning & Ending
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The first section starring you as the character writing the story... I don't know. That confused me. It's like a bit of world-building that doesn't seem like it needs to be included to me.

The actual hook to the story was decent. Those first two sentences tell us a good deal about the situation and the person holding the weapon. The "quivered on its sides" struck me as a poor choice, since it doesn't create the image of movement side-to-side but rather... vibrating or jiggling quickly. Otherwise, the hook is one of the best I've seen so far.

The ending is all tell and no show, so it is far less strong than the hook. It didn't have much impact on me for that reason. They were "sad" to hear about their father? That's just... sort of unsatisfying somehow.

Effect

This could certainly use a bit of revision, but it seems to be the start of something interesting. It was slightly hard to follow at times, and there is a fair bit of telling rather than showing (to be more specific, the writing isn't as engaging as it could be, but it has interesting elements). Good luck with future drafts.

Good luck and please consider entering again!

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61

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14 days may be credited.

#4336039

Review of Queries, Cover Letters, Submissions

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

I have often thought about creating some helpful how-to items for people. I just never get around to it, despite having a considerable collection of knowledge (and experience as well) on the subject. Seems like... work.

Final Thoughts

Thanks for helping people, love. It's very kind. I know, I know... I've helped you. But it's rare that I spend much time helping people with non-fiction or freelancing on here.

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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62

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14 days may be credited.

#4336038

Review of All of my awards and recognitions

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

It always looks so nice when people have their awarded items in one place.

I don't do it myself because I have my poems sorted by year so that I can find them easily. Anything other than that and my port gets too messy to function or something.

Final Thoughts

Looks like a whole lot of love has come your way. Nice to see!

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

63

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14 days may be credited.

#4336036

Review of Signatures, Images, Logos

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

It never ceases to amaze me how much port space people take up with signatures!

I have ummm... like 4-5 review sigs, since I'm in all of the review groups. And then like... 2 other sigs? Maybe?

Final Thoughts

Some pretty stuff in here though! I can see why you'd want to keep it.

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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64

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14 days may be credited.

#4336035

Review of This and That

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

Happy Anniversary, if I didn't say it on the day. Can't believe it has been a year... so weird.

I like to give happy fluff reviews for anniversaries on items that are about effort not quality (e.g. forums, folders, contests, etc) and rarely get reviewed (e.g. especially folders!).

Final Thoughts

So, I'll be giving you a mini raid to pretty up your port.

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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65

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#4336034

Review of Contest Entries

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

This one is certainly packed full of items! No surprise there... I think all of us have entered a fair number of contests in our day. I might even write an entry for one in the next hour or so. If I get to it.

Final Thoughts

Keep entering! It's great practice, win or lose!

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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14 days may be credited.

#4336032

Review of Deliberation Rationalization Conclusion

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

Man, I would need a separate book to house all the random writings in my blog or that I've pulled from my blog to stick somewhere else!

Final Thoughts

I like that you give real descriptions in the body of your folders. Most people never see them because of the folder previews that show only content... but I like it nonetheless.

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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67

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14 days may be credited.

#4336029

Review of Mainstream Fiction

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

Mainstream fiction, huh? Had an eye toward publication even back in 2009-10, huh? Can't say that I've ever heard the term used outside publishing (i.e. by readers).

Final Thoughts

You do have really interesting descriptions in every folder so far. A Brazilian wax leads to an important discovery about life?

It certainly catches the eye!

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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68

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#4336028

Review of Modern Mythology

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

Looking through your folders here, I'm seeing a theme. Are you not writing as much these days or just not adding as much to WDC? Or perhaps just writing someplace I haven't stumbled across yet (different genre perhaps)? Just curious. Seems like people are always drifting away from WDC and coming back.

Final Thoughts

Singing sensations The Sirens!

Very amusing. I can envision where that story will go.

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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69

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14 days may be credited.

#4336027

Review of Horror Stories

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

Spooky stories, huh? I do love reading horror stories, so if I think of it sometime, I might come read one. You know, of course... I probably wont remember. You never know though.

Final Thoughts

I looked through "It Wasn't My Fault"... pretty creepy, love. I can get into freaky children stories.

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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70

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#4336026

Review of Acme Comedy Scream Halloween 2009

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

Acme Comedy Scream, huh? Sounds like a fun activity to me! I do believe that at that time, I was busy with midterms, as I'd just gone back to college. Seems like forever ago.

Final Thoughts

I assume that the writings in here are pretty decent if it won? Nice job then.

I did read the limerick, since I'm a sucker for dirty joke poems.

Not very dirty, but very amusing.

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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71

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#4336025

Review of Science Fiction Stories

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Happy WDC B-Day!

So...

I like to give out fluff reviews for anniversaries... happy 5-star type reviews. It's a nice change of pace from the 2-star newbie reviews I keep finding myself giving.

And certain overlooked item types rarely have any reviews. You know the kind... folders, cNote shops, forums. Non-writing items that are about the effort more than the quality, in my view.

Final Thoughts

Here is the first of a mini-port raid for you. In this case, I know that this is a genre that you write pretty well.

Definitely deserving of a rating... and hey, it only took 8 years.

Happy WDC Anniversary from "Anniversary Reviews"

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72

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#4336022

Review of sedentary

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hello again, Haneef Ceceko

! Sorry for the double review... something went wrong when I sent it the first time, so I'm trying it again.

What Caught My Eye

I thought the title was interesting. For a one-word title, it's strong. I wanted to see what you'd do with it. I was expecting something like... a stagnant relationship... settled in layers. That didn't happen, so I don't know if this is the best title for the poem. Thought I'd mention it though.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

Hmmm... if you're going to use a strong rhyme scheme in the first stanza, it should be followed throughout. That doesn't happen here, so it's a disappointment. The first two lines have excellent flow. The next two are awkward and falter following the first. I'd consider simplifying them:

Sedentary I will say,
As we sit hollow in dismay.
Knowing the night seems longer in the day.
Planetary of our own guilt orbit round our chest.

vs

Sedentary I will say,
as we sit hollow in dismay
knowing the night seems longer in day
and our guilt planets orbit our chests.

Something like this flows better. Also note a few changes: first, "planetary" is an adjective that is used as a noun in the original. It doesn't work. "Of our own guilt" is a long-winded way of saying "guilt planet". So say that. It's a super cool phrase and a really good idea. It also creates a stronger image. "Orbit round" is repetitive, since an orbit is by definition going around something. "Our" is a plural possessive... mine and your. As such, we don't have one chest... and we don't share one big guilt. So it must be "our chests" and "our planets"... plural chests and plural planets.

I also turned it into a single functional sentence because punctuating a bunch of fragments is odd. These are all things that could be improved (and feel free to use the "guilt planets" and whatnot if you want... they're your words... I just polished them).

The final stanza has similar nips and tucks needed.

Let us walk to nowhere.
Not to get stuck in lethargic talk.
Let's hold hands of deceit, not to
Look at our faces of feeble luck.

vs

Let us walk nowhere
Avoid getting stuck in lethargic talk
Let's hold hands of deceit
Focus not on our faces of feeble luck

Walking "to" nowhere seems unneeded. It's stronger without it. 2nd line changed for clarity... nowhere and not are both negatives, so it seemed weird. 3rd line is good, but for that repeated and awkward 'to not'. "Focus" is a stronger word than 'look', and the change also moves 'not' to a placement where it's more important. I'd cut "our" as well for flow and because it's not necessary.

This type of tightening is needed throughout. You have a really good draft here. It just needs some TLC.

Effect

This has some strengths... word choice and the occasional clever line (like the planets of guilt orbiting the chest). It needs a thorough cleaning. Just nips and tucks... a bit of polish. Good luck with it!

By the way, if you have any other poems you'd like a second opinion on... give me a shout. Looks like you have some writing skill.

A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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73

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14 days may be credited.

#4336021

Review of sedentary

Review by Cinn

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Welcome to WDC, Haneef Ceceko

!

I hope you enjoy your time here!

Favorite Aspects

I thought the title was interesting. For a one-word title, it's strong. I wanted to see what you'd do with it. I was expecting something like... a stagnant relationship... settled in layers. That didn't happen, so I don't know if this is the best title for the poem. Thought I'd mention it though.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

Hmmm... if you're going to use a strong rhyme scheme in the first stanza, it should be followed throughout. That doesn't happen here, so it's a disappointment. The first two lines have excellent flow. The next two are awkward and falter following the first. I'd consider simplifying them:

Sedentary I will say,
As we sit hollow in dismay.
Knowing the night seems longer in the day.
Planetary of our own guilt orbit round our chest.

vs

Sedentary I will say,
as we sit hollow in dismay
knowing the night seems longer in day
and our guilt planets orbit our chests.

Something like this flows better. Also note a few changes: first, "planetary" is an adjective that is used as a noun in the original. It doesn't work. "Of our own guilt" is a long-winded way of saying "guilt planet". So say that. It's a super cool phrase and a really good idea. It also creates a stronger image. "Orbit round" is repetitive, since an orbit is by definition going around something. "Our" is a plural possessive... mine and your. As such, we don't have one chest... and we don't share one big guilt. So it must be "our chests" and "our planets"... plural chests and plural planets.

I also turned it into a single functional sentence because punctuating a bunch of fragments is odd. These are all things that could be improved (and feel free to use the "guilt planets" and whatnot if you want... they're your words... I just polished them).

The final stanza has similar nips and tucks needed.

Let us walk to nowhere.
Not to get stuck in lethargic talk.
Let's hold hands of deceit, not to
Look at our faces of feeble luck.

vs

Let us walk nowhere
Avoid getting stuck in lethargic talk
Let's hold hands of deceit
Focus not on our faces of feeble luck

Walking "to" nowhere seems unneeded. It's stronger without it. 2nd line changed for clarity... nowhere and not are both negatives, so it seemed weird. 3rd line is good, but for that repeated and awkward 'to not'. "Focus" is a stronger word than 'look', and the change also moves 'not' to a placement where it's more important. I'd cut "our" as well for flow and because it's not necessary.

This type of tightening is needed throughout. You have a really good draft here. It just needs some TLC.

Effect

This has some strengths... word choice and the occasional clever line (like the planets of guilt orbiting the chest). It needs a thorough cleaning. Just nips and tucks... a bit of polish. Good luck with it!

A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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74

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14 days may be credited.

#4336016

Review of The Thoughts of Suppression

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

Welcome to WDC, Ryan Titan

!

I hope you enjoy your time here!

What Caught My Eye

Political work is interesting, particularly as there is so much wrongness going on right now.

Favorite Aspects

I liked the message in general, what was clear of it.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The first line has very awkward syntax. "Why does man return" means the same thing and is actually concise. But keeping your line as is, it should be "How come man does go back". The use of "come" in the colloqial with "go" is a weird choice. All together, it's not an effective opener. Rephrase for sure.

"Hatred of the ages" -- This is akin to 'I hate the ages' or 'we hate the ages'... it's hatred OF the ages rather than hatred that existed in bygone ages. And what turns back to back? Given the structure, it can't be the ages because it's the object of a prepositional phrase.

Your meaning isn't clear here because of grammar, essentially. It could use revision.

The last line also doesn't seem to mean much... it's vague. A cover? As in... a cover up or a cover charge or a blanket or... too vague to have any real punch. It's somewhat implied but not clear enough to be effective.

Language / Word Choice

You use decent word choice throughout. As mentioned though, the syntax is letting you down, muddying your meaning.

Another example:

"Go marching for a stand / For turning up the roads". How does a "stand" turn up roads? "Turning up" also often means 'show up' or 'recently discovered', so it's an odd choice of phrase. Marching and standing are opposites, so it's odd to see them in the same line used this way. "A stand" as in a political protest, yes? If so, it took a long time to determine that because of the oddness of the line.

Basically, use of more deliberate and thoughtful language would clear up some ambiguity. If that requires dropping the rhyme or using different rhymes, so be it.

Effect

I think that's enough to ponder for now. I know that the automatic reaction to a critique can be "it's so clear... they're wrong", but it's not. I can figure out what you mean most of the time, but it's work. The work isn't because I'm analyzing a complex piece but trying to restructure broken sentences. It makes a difference. I do think the piece is worth revising, as you seem to have something worth saying here.

A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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75

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14 days may be credited.

#4335990

Review of A Rush Of Wings

Review by Cinn

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Welcome to WDC, DakotaSkye

!

I hope you enjoy your time here!

What Caught My Eye

I write and read poetry all the time and have for decades. I also like reviewing newbies on WDC because it is rare to get a real critique. People don't want to discourage newbies. Personally, I don't want to waste people's time giving false praise.

Favorite Aspects

The rhythm and flow here are pretty decent. Feeling rather than hearing a rush of wings... that's a cool idea.

Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The first stanza has strong flow. That's generally a good sign. I tripped over "myriad" both for rhythm and its usage in this context-- how many shades of green are really present there? But overall, the rhythm is decent. The actual words though paint a pretty boring picture. And overstated too. Trees, mossy forest floor (forest being, of course, unneeded with mention of trees and moss), a cool and rippling stream. That's all pretty much snooze city. The first interesting thing that really caught my attention is the last two lines of that stanza. The flow and the idea in those two lines are the only things that kept me reading.

The last stanza doesn't sound very poetic... it sounds like very basic language, akin to wrapping up a short story. Too narrative... telling rather than showing. It basically prevents the reader from feeling that awe with the narrator.

Progression

The entire point of the poem is contained in just a couple lines. Otherwise, it's repetitive sounding description of a forest and wings. This is very clear in the second stanza where, instead of moving forward, you talk about the leafy canopy again-- which is how the first stanza starts. More deliberate choices, more variation... it could help immensely.

Effect

Too much telling, not enough showing. It's a bit repetitive. Your flow is pretty good though, so that is good. Flow is the hardest part to teach, so you're a step ahead. Don't be discouraged... this is an opportunity to improve your skill. It takes practice.

A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"

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