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1,621 Public Reviews Given
1,644 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I think my style is pretty honest. Though I try to find the good in everything, I give accurate ratings that express my opinion of a piece. Whether good or bad, you hopefully will understand my ratings by the end of the review. I give ratings that reflect the quality of the writing with 3 stars meaning "average". I only give 5 stars for items that I genuinely love or items that are more about effort than quality (i.e. folders, contests, forums, blogs, etc).
I'm good at...
Finding the most concise way to rewrite, tweaking structure and format, locating plot holes. Poetry reviews are my specialty. Quality-focused rather than meaning-focused.
Favorite Genres
Free Verse, Scifi, Horror
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Fantasy, Historical
Favorite Item Types
Anything with a short format suits me fine, as I adore short fiction (writing, reading, and reviewing). Book, static item... doesn't matter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Ummm.. Interactives & Campfires.
I will not review...
I generally don't do novel/script reviews unless I know the person. Short work is what I have time for and what I most enjoy.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Poetry  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Shaye! *Heart* So... I'm working on Gaby's Walking Dead thing, and we need to review all of the participants. So I decided to review actual writing OR folders OR activities or whatever it is I wanna do, since there is no rule against it. Besides, I've been giving super long and thorough poetry reviews since I got back... I'm ready for some light and friendly fluff.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

I came to your port to poke around, and I noticed that you changed your folders a bit. Love the spacey theme you're rocking now. You know... a common scifi geekery is one of the many reasons we're friends. It also matches your blog... nice bit of personal branding there, love.

Couldn't help but notice there were no ratings on any of your folders. For me, folders are about the effort not the quality of the content. So BAM... easy 5 stars from me. Plus... it's poetry, so who better to give it some love? Maybe I'll come back and do the rest sometime. *Peace*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC, Bold Attitude ! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I like reviewing people new to WDC. You popped up in Read & Review. I also 1. love to read and write poetry and 2. like your username. *Wink*

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

I like the general idea here. Moving on/forward is a common theme in poetry for a good reason... everyone can relate to it.

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The first few lines didn't hook me and probably would have made me stop reading in this case. First, "I took" is past tense, while "I realize" is present tense. That doesn't bode well for me. It also is written in pretty basic, everyday language, which isn't bad if it's followed by an image or metaphor or something to really sink into and catch a reader's interest.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

The phrasing here is a bit... redundant. Some word counts:

steps - 5
took - 4
future - 3
time - 2
walking - 2

It all seems sort of obvious given the topic. And using a word like "future"... that's an impact word, and using it more than once definitely lessens its impact. There are very few words in here that aren't dull, every day language.

The imagery is mostly pretty light, one-noun type... like "bee" or "grasses". There's none to really grab onto. It's more geared toward descriptions of action: I walk, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other... etc. That type of thing isn't really necessary... we know what taking steps is. I would choose one image and really make the entire poem about that ONE image in the context of moving forward into the future. Say... a bee on a flower... knowing precisely what its next step is-- gather nectar, return to hive, repeat... and note the differences between you and the bee.

Basically, I'm looking for something unique or special or memorable here. I didn't find it in this first draft (but that is what the next draft is for).

*Burstp**Burstr*Flow / Rhythm*Bursto**Burstv*

The flow is okay sometimes and pretty off at others. Most of that is the filler words in here. Example:

"I said all I need to do is plan and be busy as a bee
Still walking gently with each steps moving one after another"

vs

I need to plan and be a busy bee
walking gently

The rest is filler (everyone walks in steps-- which require one after another or they wouldn't be "steps"). On a side note... busy bee doesn't really lead into gentle steps... bees buzz around... energetic. It's different than quiet, slow, gentle steps, yeah?

Anyway, just one example of some bulky phrasing that doesn't add much meaning. Cutting out all the filler would leave you with a much stronger piece... and less redundant phrasing as well.

*Burstp**Burstr*One Thing to Work On?*Bursto**Burstv*
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Cut/rewrite the bulky phrasing and repetition. Honestly, that would be most helpful. BUT I like the idea of using nature to illustrate what you're saying rather than just say it outright (poetry vs prose).

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Good luck if you choose to revise. This reads as a first draft, which is the reason for my rating. There is promise here though. If you revise, I'd be happy to give it another look. Cheers! *Hand1*

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
28
28
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Bernie ! *Hand1*


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I was cruising through Read & Review looking for newbies and/or poetry to review. So I actually clicked right past this, and thought, "Wait... what was that?" And hit the back button. I guess it was a combination of the "writing ideas" (which is the bit I saw on my way past) and the bullets. I like reading other people's thoughts on writing, even if it's just voyeuristic... a glimpse into someone else's process.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

I love that research keeps reappearing in here. *Laugh* Some people don't think it's the fun part... but in my view, it's more fun and relaxing than writing usually is.

*Burstp**Burstr*Suggestions & Comments*Bursto**Burstv*

The comment about plagiarism is a good idea, but the statement is a bit oversimplified here. It's not illegal to recycle an idea... or even the basic plot of a story. That's why there are rewrites of famous works... updated tellings of a story. It's a matter of what you add of your own. And lots of these retellings don't even state that they're retellings. It's just clear that it's another spin on Romeo and Juliet or Alice in Wonderland or whatever. And you know... they say that there are fewer than 10 stories in the history of the world. All the rest is detail.

I'm sure you know all of this anyway. And this piece is super old by now. Just throwing it out there that maybe it's a little simplified for an audience of general WDC members. I think it's important to reiterate to people that plagiarism is NOT okay... but being too paranoid over where your inspiration came from can hinder writing too. Just some... food for thought.

*Burstp**Burstr*A Few Tips*Bursto**Burstv*

Might as well throw a few tips out there in case you decide to add more (I know that I go back and look at my stuff like this and think... why didn't I add this or that or...).

Another nice place for names: A phone book. They're harder to come by now, but I have several old ones just for names. They do still send them out... they're smaller, but 1. free and 2. still have plenty of names.

Another source for inspiration: Art. I love paintings from all eras. My favorite for inspiration are abstracts... but maybe that's more helpful for poetry. *Laugh*

*Burstp**Burstr*Grammar / Syntax / Language*Bursto**Burstv*

"Or ask another writer, and ask them if they have any ideas."

What's the first part referring to? Is it "ask a writer what they'd like to read"? If not, maybe just cut the first bit and make it "Or ask a writer if they have any ideas". If you're suggesting that they ask the writers what they would like to read, I'd maybe clarify a tiny bit. I tripped there a bit.

"you will get a site in relevance to what you're looking for"

Some wording in here is a bit... well, wordy. "You will get a site related to what you're looking for". It's the little things that would make this an easy read. *Thumbsupl* Just nips and tucks.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

You have some good advice here. As a how-to type, it can't hurt really. I like the suggestions of reaching out to other writers here. Making connections and inspiring each other is one of the reasons I'm a member of this community. It's helpful for sure. All together, there's not much to disagree with here. A tiny bit of editing would make it clearer and easier to read for me. And I would still take another look at the plagiarism bit. But otherwise... nicely done. *Heart*

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review of Water and Nature  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I saw this in Read & Review and liked the title. I also like to review new people, and while you're not super new... you're still fairly new? *Laugh*

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

The use of the Water/Nature names felt like an old myth. The tone of the story is reminiscent of one passed down verbally too, which adds to the myth vibes. I might consider using the myth genre... or ANY genre. People find your work to read while searching through genres. At the very least, I'd recommend using the nature genre.

*Burstp**Burstr*Beginning & End*Bursto**Burstv*
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

Well... "There once lived a man, his name was Water" is actually two sentences run together with commas. I'd go with "There once lived a man whose name was Water." or "There once lived a man named Water." Both are correct grammatically.

And to be honest, if I hadn't intended to review... I'd have stopped reading pretty soon after this because of the grammar. It just makes things harder to read.

There once lived a man, his name was Water, he conquered the whole earth, his reign spread throughout the world, but his reign did not keep this man entertained, as calm and composed as he was, he was bored and irritated.


This is 5 sentences run together with commas:

There once lived a man. His name was Water. He conquered the whole earth. His reign spread throughout the world, but his reign did not keep this man entertained. As calm and composed as he was, he was bored and irritated.

This also illustrates another thing that isn't super engaging: most sentences in this piece start with He/His. It's repetitive sounding. If it was spoken aloud (as mentioned, this sounds like a spoken narrative... that's the style), the He/Him wouldn't be as noticeable. In text, it is very noticeable. I'd recommend a little more variation

There's also a bit of waffling in here... he conquered the whole earth and THEN his reign spread. It should spread before you say he conquered the whole earth... or just leave out the spread. Is it spreading or done? Similarly, you can't be calm and irritated at the same time... that's hard to envision.

As for the ending, I like it. I like cynical stuff. *Laugh* I think it works for the story itself. It has the same types of grammar issues (run-ons and whatnot). The only other thing that could be stronger for me involves Nature. Water is technically a part of Nature. This itched at me throughout.

Now, if NATURE had been on the lookout for a mate and found Water, well... that makes a little more sense. Or if Water was just one of Nature's children, along with siblings Sky and Land... something like that. Or if the other character was Earth/Land/Soil... that would make total sense.

*Burstp**Burstr*Plot*Bursto**Burstv*

Super cute in the telling, very serious in message. It's one of my favorite parts.

*Burstp**Burstr*Character(s)*Bursto**Burstv*

I think a little personification could help, but it's not necessary. Aside from the name/idea change for Nature, I've got no suggestions.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Alright, Nate... in the end, this is a first draft with potential. It's readable and the story comes across, but the words themselves are rough. That's the reason for the rating. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another look. *Heart*

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
30
Review of Kai's Smile  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

This popped up in Read & Review (which is a great way to find interesting things to read and earn some gift points, by the way). I read the first few lines and figured... cute kid's poem. If this hadn't been in the children's genre, I probably would have cruised past it. *Laugh* It definitely sounds like a poem for children.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

The tone is on point for the genre and intended audience. It's cute and... sorta random. Much like children usually are. Beets? Really? *Ha*

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

There is a fair bit of unneeded fluff in the first stanza that sorta... hinders the sing-songy flow of a children's poem:

Kai's handsome smile
always lasts awhile
and brightens my day.
It never goes away!

Read this out loud... and read yours out loud. When sounds smoother? This is still your words except for one: I changed beautiful to handsome, not because of gender at all... JUST because "beautiful" is a mouthful and "handsome" is easier to say. You could use "lovely" or any number of shorter words too.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

There are some moments here that... make no sense and are just for the rhyme.

Kai's smiles always lasts a while
because it's meant to bring out the best in us
so lets not cuss.

This in particular is rough... why would anyone cuss at a kid for smiling? *Confused* It rhymes. That's its only reason for being I think. So... I'd rewrite a bit. PLUS the flow here is some of the roughest in the poem. To be honest, I think you could probably cut the whole stanza. Or just keep the new idea. Something like:

Kai's smile brings out the best
in everyone he's ever met

It's a slant rhyme, but it gives you an idea of what would be more effective... just cut it down and smooth it out. Make the rhyme make organic sense.

*Burstp**Burstr*Flow / Rhythm*Bursto**Burstv*

The flow is uneven in places. The second stanza is the best example. The second line is a good beat off the first.

And the cats say, "What a magical child!
He can smile for miles and miles!"

*Up* That would fix the flow. Oh, and I added the dialogue tags. It's perfectly fine to use dialogue in a poem just like in a story. It gives the full effect of the cats talking too. *Wink*

Anyway, this is just one area where the flow is off. If you set it aside for a few months and then read it out loud, you'll hear it.

*Burstp**Burstr*Imagery*Bursto**Burstv*

Some of this is light on imagery, but you make up for it in the types of images kids would latch onto... like spitting broccoli.

*Burstp**Burstr*One Thing to Work On?*Bursto**Burstv*
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Fixing the flow would make the biggest difference. You hit the mark in places and then lose it again. Some of it could be remedied simply by revising lines to make them shorter.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

This is cute. I'm sure it made Kai happy. It's clearly a rough draft (or roughly typed up for the site), since it's missing punctuation, has subject/predicate disagreements, and could use a bit of revision in general. That's the reason for the rating-- most of the content is super cute. A basic edit for grammar could help a bit, but a revision for flow would be ideal. I'm sure it brought a smile to at least one person's face though! *Heart*

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I tend to be drawn to stories about orphans... especially orphanages. I don't know why, but it tends to pique my interest.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

I like Emily's voice when you start writing in first person POV. It sounds pretty convincingly teen too, so if you're not a teen yourself, you channeled it well. *Laugh*

*Burstp**Burstr*Beginning & End*Bursto**Burstv*
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The background info was helpful in its way, but if I wasn't intending to review the piece, I would have stopped. I don't really want to be told all of this outside the store... I want to hear it unfold through the story. So, for instance, maybe she tells Andrew how long she'd been at the orphanage, and that's how the reader finds out.

*Burstp**Burstr*Plot*Bursto**Burstv*

The plot is okay. It didn't move me one way or the other. I was hooked by the idea, but not enough happened by the end to really sway me.

*Burstp**Burstr*Character(s)*Bursto**Burstv*

The characters feel a bit wooden to me. Like... it was difficult for me to guess what they'd say or do because I don't feel like I knew them. I was also missing many of the typical personality traits (abandonment issues, tough exterior, etc) that are common for orphans (not just in stories, but in reality).

The lack of character development also made the connection between the two feel... unrealistic. I just don't buy that they knew and understood each other so well when I never came to know either of them.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language*Bursto**Burstv*

I thought it was a little odd for them to introduce themselves with first/middle/last names. When I was a teen, I didn't even introduce myself with my entire first name! My name is Kylie... I generally said, "Hey.. I'm Ky." I don't recall ever knowing my friends last names unless they went to MY school, where teachers used last names and whatnot.

I think you use a decent amount of description without going overboard. I think too much description or too much dialogue is boring, and you hit that balance pretty well.

*Burstp**Burstr*Consistency*Bursto**Burstv*

To be honest, the most consistent thing in the story is the poor grammar. It made for a difficult read. You're missing commas throughout, which was the biggest problem wile reading. You have extra spaces before and after each quotation mark in your dialogue. There are just lots of areas that need polish. I would try to pay particular attention to the compound sentences. Watch for missing periods too.

Some sentences in here are very long and unclear in meaning, so be on the lookout for those too. Here is one example:

He answered me with a smile that shot straight to my heart not out of pity but out of joy and pride because his smile wasn’t sad but strong and it gave me hope that even if things didn’t work out with finding my mother I can look back at this guy and know that no matter what there is


Also, negative space helps when reading text online. Typically, you want an entire line between paragraphs... like I've done in this review. It makes the text less jumbled looking while reading.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Overall, I think you got your ideas down on paper here... there seems to be a story in here. It's just not there yet and reads as a definite first draft (hence the rating). Building up those characters would help a whole lot. The biggest help though, really, is to revise it for your grammar and for clarity. Good luck if you choose to make changes and/or continue the story! *Hand1*

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I review lots of newbies. I tend to cruise right past chapters though. I don't review novels on here if I can help it. What actually grabbed me was the phrasing of that first line (a sentence fragment at that).

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

Honestly, you're just a good writer. I've been reviewing all day, and you've got the chops. It was an easy read. The tone is on point. You know how to use fragments to get across tone rather than just... confuse the reader for flair.

*Burstp**Burstr*Beginning & End*Bursto**Burstv*
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The hook 100% worked on me. I love that entire intro. The setting in the next bit doesn't linger too long (thank you).

The ending was super predictable in my view. I saw it coming miles away (pun intended). But it's... okay. Will I read the next chapter? Probably not. But I might poke through your portfolio for misc stories because you write well, even if I didn't really end up caring enough about the narrator to keep reading this.

*Burstp**Burstr*Plot*Bursto**Burstv*

This isn't a plot really because it's... just an intro chapter. The action though... it hooked me pretty well.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language*Bursto**Burstv*

Clever. You describe things but not overly so. It's a good mix of action and description that shows a reader much more than is on the page. It's nicely done.

*Burstp**Burstr*Style / Tone*Bursto**Burstv*

The tone is consistent and strong. The narrative is good. The style itself isn't one that I typically read for novels but you're nailing it.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

I lost interest for a bit in the middle, but I kept reading because it was JUST interesting enough to keep me going. It's not like... super stellar. But it's a solid "good". Definitely does the job of grabbing a reader... may or may not do the job of setting up a story that a reader will want to keep on with. Maybe further reviews will help you determine if it works on that level. Good luck with any revisions and/or finishing your book.


*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review of NY City Lights  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I read the first 4 lines. *Laugh* I like to review newbies... I love free verse and spoken word and rap, so those lines were all it took.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

The entire poem down to "NYC I swear". Man that flow is on point... the meaning is clear. It's unique enough in word choice and meaning to be something of interest.

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

In this case, I can honestly say that the opening hooked me. There is no reason to capitalize "world" or "ground". Personally, I find that awkward. The whole... capitalize important words thing is super archaic, and this isn't an archaic poetry style. They don't match.

That said, the first two lines set this up as a rhyme-filled poem bordering on cheesy. I'd line break differently.

The world is round or
flat as ground?

That works much better in my view, and the flow is still super on point.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

After "NYC I swear", the poem feels like it loses focus and also falls into straight cliche territory. First, you already used "connected" and "interlaced" so the "connects" bit is repetitive and ineffective. Rolling tears and crystal clear tears and... meh. I've read all of that a billion times. It's at best a bit boring. Definitely not emotive. I'd 100% revise from "Connects everywhere" clear through "what's about" (which is grammatically awkward to the point where I don't know what you mean to say).

After that, it's really solid again. Basically, you just have 5 really bummer lines in here that drag the piece down. It's a shame, especially since it looks like it's supposed to be the climactic/emotional part. Not working as well as it should.

Maybe instead of tears and whatnot, make it something related to the city. Something that you feel makes it "dark" today. Use a better image than just... a crying anonymous face.

*Burstp**Burstr*Flow / Rhythm*Bursto**Burstv*

The flow is good. Great even in places.

*Burstp**Burstr*One Thing to Work On?*Bursto**Burstv*
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Rewrite the 5 lines that are cliche/ineffective/make no sense ("what's about" *QuestionO*). The rest is nice.

Oh, and yeah... line breaks for the intro. Still think that would be better than setting the poem up to be something it isn't (i.e. an end-line rhyming poem).

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

I would definitely call this poem "good" except for the part in the middle that doesn't work and sorta... feels like a totally different poem. So, as-is, this is a bit above average for me. If you decide to revise, I'd be interested in seeing what you did with it.


*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Review of Name on the Air  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Well, hello again! *Laugh* You came up in Read & Review twice in a row. I'm not shocked to see a poem. You used a whole lot of figurative language in the last one, after all.

*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

First, that it was another one from you. Second, that it's a poem. I adore free verse.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*



*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The "H" in hard doesn't need to be capitalized. The line breaks feel a wee bit clunky, as does the compound sentence structure with the semi-colon. I'd consider something like this:

In the early hours,
hard edges feel
soft at the center; you
sink into them
and feel protected.

It makes the semi-colon feel like a better choice than a period, it makes the last line flow without the period (which is grammatically wrong to have). I toyed with three or four other possibilities, including hard / edges and at the / center to highlight the important words and illustrate them through word placement.

How do hard edges feel soft... at the center? Something can be hard at the edge and soft in the center... but edges cannot, by definition, be in the center. So... meaning-wise, this sounds good but means nothing. Also, right now, you're sinking into the hard edges rather than the early hours-- structure matter for meaning.


*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

The air dulls... that's what the second stanza says. "Cool at first, the crispness / dulls as it sinks" -- that is what you actually mean. Either the crispness fulls OR the coolness dulls. You need another noun in here. Again, it's the grammar that's tripping up your meanings. Be on the lookout for that throughout. I'm not going to line edit here.

Also, this feels repetitive with the references to weight and "Air" and "crisp air"-- that cools and then gets crisp again (and then is reiterated as crisp AGAIN in the last stanza). And... basically, some more precision in your word usage would help.

*Burstp**Burstr*Flow / Rhythm*Bursto**Burstv*

The flow is... okay most of the time. It has some obvious hiccups... a few really strong moments... but most of it doesn't flow super well. It never settles in for me. Part of that is the super obvious line breaks. Using sentence structure to break lines can be useful for writing it in the first place, but a second draft can be more deliberate about line breaks for flow AND additional meaning.

*Burstp**Burstr*Imagery*Bursto**Burstv*

There is no imagery here. You focus more on other senses, which is fine. Having a solid image of "sinking" could help, since you use that type of idea a fair bit. Whatever though... it is sensory, just not visual at all.

*Burstp**Burstr*Originality*Bursto**Burstv*

I've read many pieces that feel... about the same as this. The mist of morning, the crisp air, the sleepy/groggy pulling/fading/singing. It didn't strike me as super original I guess... but there are some interesting choices. The subtleness of the love theme... I don't think it quite gels, but it's not heavy. The wispy nature of it works given the subject matter here.

*Burstp**Burstr*Emotiveness*Bursto**Burstv*

I felt nothing, to be honest. I mean, the fuzzy edge type vibe I got a tiny bit, but otherwise... nothing. I'm guessing this is a first or early draft... it's not rewritten for the audience yet. No big deal. Early drafts are usually that way for poetry.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Good luck if you choose to revise. It's a decent start, I think... a bit better than average, but not quite "good" yet.


*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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35
35
Review of After the Flood  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I have a few random pieces like this too. To be honest, mine tend to be a bit harsher in tone (frustrated?) than yours. *Laugh*

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

Your metaphors and figurative language just... make me smile.

"I feel the press of their outlines pushing against my reality" -- I like this in particular. It's actually a super fitting description of the creative process when it's really flowing. And you're trying to yanno... do something useful. And it just keeps on pressing. *Wink*

*Burstp**Burstr*Beginning & End*Bursto**Burstv*
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The opening line is awkward to the point where I almost just... clicked off the piece. I'd revise that. Love the idea... but I'd simplify the phrasing and/or structure of that first sentence. Otherwise, the intro paragraph definitely carried me the rest of the way.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language*Bursto**Burstv*

The language is a bit heavy handed sometimes. Or... really, quite a bit of the time. It reminded me of Harlan Ellison, who is a huge ego-maniac (if deservingly so). Basically, it reads like you're "feelin' yourself"... like I think the writing is solid but YOU think it's a masterpiece. It just has that type of over-the-top, trying-too-hard style.

I get that. I can definitely fall into that myself. Sometimes, it takes way more effort to make it SOUND like it was easy. *Wink* I know it does for me. It's not dumbing down but... taming the pompous tone? "and so must I" and "here I sit" and so forth.

*Burstp**Burstr*Consistency*Bursto**Burstv*

The tone was super consistent. The imagery and metaphors bounced all over the place, but I think it works here for the most part. They got much more consistent toward the end, which made me think that working sunshine metaphors in near the beginning... followed by the water (love the tsunami bit)... would naturally lead to the rainbow.

Not sure how much you thought this piece through... seems like you just sat down and let it flow (a good writer can do that effectively-- and you're a good writer), but some restructuring/writing could make it that much more solid.

*Burstp**Burstr*Originality*Bursto**Burstv*

The individual statements and snippets of figurative language were unique enough to carry me through. AS a whole though, this description of the creative process is pretty expected. "A wave of creativity"... the water motif is obvious, and I've heard it before.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Overall, I can tell you're a pretty solid writer with a natural flair for words... and you have a nice "mental squint". This still reads to me as a first draft (stream of consciousness even). It's impressive as heck for what it is. I'll go ahead and give it a solid "good" (4 stars) for the engaging turns of phrase... but structurally, it could be stronger (right down to its foundations-- sentences and paragraphs).


*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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36
36
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I wanted to read a piece about a ghaf tree.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

The tone is just right. I appreciate your consistency too.

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

I like the idea presented in the first stanza. We sometimes see a tree and, if we think of it at all, think something like "Huh... cool tree". *Laugh* I like the setup. I appreciate that you tied it back to the end too.

That said, you basically said the same thing twice here. Thinking of their stories... thinking of their past. Same thing. Plus, you have the repeated lines 1/3 AND repeated "thinking of", which sets you up for the one truly inconsistent issue with your poem (against the/proud as). If you're going to set up a structure, it feels like an accident to not continue it.

Similarly, the "dark/bark" seems accidental rather than purposeful. These types of things trip me up and get me looking for clever things that aren't actually happening in the piece.

It feels like much too much repetition for my personal taste... but at least you went for it.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

You use some strong words in here and some weaker choices too. For me, it's the lack of content more than the wording itself (which is rare).

We don't think of the stories.
We don't think of the past.
We don't know if the story is long.
We don't know if it's dark.

Man... this is just... not interesting or useful. The whole second stanza is obvious. If we don't know their stories... we obviously wouldn't know if they're long or short or light or dark. It feels like words for the sake of words. It's not adding to the meaning. Additionally, the "quite vast" is a waste of a word... "quite" is filler... as is "very" in the last line. You just don't have the content to support the second stanza. I'd ax it or rewrite myself. Maybe use that space to tell us something true of ONLY Ghaf trees. So far, this is true of literally every tree.

The third stanza introduces 1 thing isn't just... true for any tree. They're in the desert. And... that's literally the only thing that is specific to this tree (or rather... distinguishes it from every single other tree).

*Burstp**Burstr*Flow / Rhythm*Bursto**Burstv*

The flow from stanza 2 to 3 is rough. Visually, it almost looks like a mirage, which I'm totally cool with. The flow is off though. And going from 3 to 4 just makes stanza 4 feel as dense as it looks. I'd tweak some lines.

"But all desert travelers" -- means the same thing and flows MUCH better with everything surrounding it.

*Burstp**Burstr*Imagery*Bursto**Burstv*

The imagery is okay... but again, doesn't feel specific to the Ghaf. You describe the desert more than the tree. And it's a cool looking tree!

*Burstp**Burstr*One Thing to Work On?*Bursto**Burstv*
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Rewriting stanza two to introduce the TREE. Describe it, let us see it... just... give us something we don't already know. It would help a whole lot. You can reorder stanza 3 to the 2nd position and follow the "but all see" stanza with the description of what they see.

On a side note-- revise for grammar. The commas aren't needed and just... awkwardly cut subjects off from predicates and so forth. A line break doesn't need a comma... These are sentences... let them be sentences. Would you write:

"But all travelers, see bark"? It's awkward. Over and over. The only ones that are needed (on a quick glance) are "lands,/proud" and the ones in the last stanza.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

I think this is an okay draft. If you left it as is, it's fine. I think it could be good with about 10 minutes of revision/rewriting. But you know... we all have average (and probably worse) poems in our ports. *Laugh* It's the best I've read so far today too. Good luck if you choose to revise.

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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37
37
Review of Quest  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, love! Long time no see!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

This popped up in Read & Review. I love poetry... so why not?

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

The word choice feels purposeful. You also incorporated the words without it seeming forced always nice.

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

The intro is alright. I do love the image of a dirt road. "Through fallow fields of fall" might have a better flow... sounds better to my ear.

The fields would cast "dark shadows" plural. The soul of "A" lone traveler seems more fitting, since it is about a particular person.

Overall though, the intro is nice. You know if I start nit-picking articles (a/an/the), it's pretty solid. *Laugh* There is room for nips and tucks... personally, I think "Mountains of the Dawn" is a bit... overly wordy for its placement, for instance... I'd cut "the" or tweak the line if it's a specific thing I've just never heard of. Maybe...

the covered bridge
half way between the
Mountains of the Dawn and
those of the Sunset

That seems much less bulky... it's the little things.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

More of the same... it could use some little nips and tucks for the smaller, connective words. Minor tweaks.

*Burstp**Burstr*Flow / Rhythm*Bursto**Burstv*

The flow is alright... could be better in some areas... but I'm not mad at it. The one line that I'd definitely change:

"removes the canteen [from his belt]
and sips
the last..."

Man, I'd love that line break there without the line break before. So nice for the flow and the visual of "sips" by itself.

*Burstp**Burstr*One Thing to Work On?*Bursto**Burstv*
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Along with little nips and tucks... the ending didn't work for me. I felt... sort let down? Like, what is this flag? THAT was his quest? Like... capture the flag? Why do I care about it? Why does he have to get it? It just didn't feel like an ending. It feels sorta out-of-the-blue as well.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

So, honestly, this is a really nice write. Aside from the ending, I think it's a solid "good". As-is, it's still above average because you write well. I'd consider revising a bit, but the only major issue for me was that ending. A nice write, love. Good luck with any revisions.

FORUM
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#2208950 by Brooklyn


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38
38
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi! *Smile* Found this piece on Read & Review and figured I'd give it a read.


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I liked the title. It's not ho-hum... it has some oomph.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

The tone is really nice... very calm.

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

So it's sorta interesting. And it sorta sets up what follows. But it isn't super super strong either way. The phrasing feels like I've heard it many times before. A splash "flits" not "flit". And on first reading, I thought the "whiter snow" was being compared to "splash of darkness"... as you would. So, that seemed weird... obviously snow is whiter than darkness. *Ha*

There's other little word choice things too. Like, can a splash flit? It seems disjointed.

As for the "functional" setup, there's not much else snowy about this... no mentions of glare or whiteness... just gray and "chilling".

To be honest, I'd cut the whole first stanza and use "Like a child's dream, the shadow" as the opening. But does a dream grab people's hands? The phrasing on that is a bit off. "As in a childhood dream" or something would make it clear that the shadow may be part of a dream... rather than the dream personification.

I'd keep an eye out for this type of "does it really say what you mean" line.

*Burstp**Burstr*Flow / Rhythm*Bursto**Burstv*

The flow is really good. Definitely the best part of the piece.

*Burstp**Burstr*Imagery*Bursto**Burstv*

The imagery is enough... not too overpowering. Really, it's just right.

*Burstp**Burstr*Consistency*Bursto**Burstv*

Without the first stanza... it seems very consistent.

*Burstp**Burstr*Originality*Bursto**Burstv*

I feel like this is lacking a tiny bit of originality... that's why some lines that don't mean what they say can be overlooked so easily... they're pretty similar to things people have seen before. It's not a terrible thing, particularly in fantasy. How many times have you see fairies and dragons in a story? A bazillion, yanno? Similarly, how many times have I seen "in search of stories lands / and legendary seas"? Seems like a bazillion. Not a huge issue... just pointing it out in case you wanted to twist it.

*Burstp**Burstr*One Thing to Work On?*Bursto**Burstv*
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

A basic revision and some improved word choice. Like, really question every single word. Also anything that feels repetitive, like the use of "gray". I'd cut/change the first use and keep "I face another grayed-out dawn"... because it's a beautiful line... definitely the best in the entire poem.

Also, there is some room to cut bulky phrasing. "It is time for me to follow" vs "It is time to follow"... why would you tell yourself that it is time for someone else to follow? See what i mean?

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Overall, I think you have a solid draft here. It isn't legendary at this particular moment... but it's a nice piece with some definitely highlights. Good luck with the revisions if you choose to do any. Looks like this piece is pretty old now... those are the funnest ones to gut and rewrite and reorder and just... play with. *Laugh*

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39
39
Review of Dream Logic  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I'm just looking for some new people to review... and the title here caught my eye.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

I like the dreamy quality to the writing... very fitting. I also like some the the imagery you have going on here. The voice is quite strong too (which is great, because that's a hard thing to edit into a piece).

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s). To be really effective, it needs to be both functional and interesting.

As far as opening sentences go... I'm sort of indifferent to this one. It sounds general... and also like the first line for a whole lot of thriller/abduction type stories. So the rest feels incredibly tame.

Also, you seem to be missing a word in the third sentence: "The walls are quite cream enough and the carpet not quite soft enough" They are quite cream enough? Or they aren't quite? It sounds either really weird or like you're missing a "not".

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

By the time we get to the windows, I'm starting to wonder if there is a better way to say the whole 'not quite right' feeling so that it feels less repetitive.

You also have some room for tightening your writing. "There is a man on that street. / He walks past the window. / He looks like a bald Terminator." I'd consider joining the first two sentences... "There is a man on that street, walking part the window." But at any rate... you can see how much this is tightened up compared to the original. Says the same thing... just less work to read it.

*Burstp**Burstr*Imagery*Bursto**Burstv*

This has a fair bit of imagery in it without being overbearing. Nicely done there.

*Burstp**Burstr*Tone*Bursto**Burstv*

It feels very dreamy. Not nightmare-like at all in my view... but dreamy.

*Burstp**Burstr*Originality*Bursto**Burstv*

Well, it's YOUR dream, right? If you were dreaming cliches, I imagine you wouldn't have even thought to write them down. *Laugh*

*Burstp**Burstr*Technical*Bursto**Burstv*

You may want to go over this for grammar. There are some issues here and there. For instance:

Somewhere in the back of my mind[,] I know...
I was expecting it[.] I'm not surprised, and yet...

That last sentence there *Up*... I dare you to diagram that sentence. The sentence structure is... fairly indefinable. I'd rewrite it for clarity.

*Burstp**Burstr*One Thing to Work On?*Bursto**Burstv*
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

A general revision for clarity, grammar, and to tighten wording. It would make a big difference.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Overall, it was entertaining/interesting enough... but it was harder to read than it could be with a little work. It reads like a first draft... nothing wrong with that, but it always means there's room for improvement. Good luck with any revisions.

And good luck in the contest too *Heart* - what contest? They sometimes allow revisions until the deadline.

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January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded!
#2208950 by Brooklyn

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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40
40
Review of More Secrets  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

This sounds like more of a personal writing (like a blog/journal) than a story with a plot or a poem. So... that caught my attention.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

It sounds honest and authentic... which adds to the journal vibe.

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*

I can't say that I was really hooked by your opening. The first line is sort of neutral... Lots happens in a teen's life. And then... you don't tell us any of those things that happen. I think some specifics would have been more of a hook, but there's nothing wrong with the direction you took it.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

The language is very conversational, which makes sense too for the piece.

There are some things that could be stronger with a bit of revision: "and never do anything like mistakes", for instance, is a bit awkward.

There are similar moments throughout that could be smoother.

*Burstp**Burstr*Consistency*Bursto**Burstv*

This is consistent in voice, language, and many other factors. Actually, it's so consistent that it feels very repetitive by the end. Maybe some trimming could help.

*Burstp**Burstr*Voice*Bursto**Burstv*

I do really like the voice. *Heart*

*Burstp**Burstr*Emotiveness*Bursto**Burstv*

It reads like you got emotion on the page but nothing to pull emotion from the reader.

*Burstp**Burstr*Technical*Bursto**Burstv*

It could use a little revision for grammar too.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Overall, as a piece of writing, this has pros and cons. You expressed yourself pretty clearly, but the writing itself is a bit shaky at times. It reads as a personal piece that isn't meant to have readers. Since it's open for review, I assume that you want other people as an audience, right? It could be more effective for them/me. I imagine it's a first draft, which means lots of room for improvement. Good luck with any revisions! *Heart*

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January 2020 Review Activity - Review and be Rewarded!
#2208950 by Brooklyn

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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41
41
Review of Alone  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey, love! I'm back! *Smirk* You popped up in Read & Review again (amid a whole lot of stuff that seemed way less fun than horror).


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

It's you... so I assumed horror. Until I wrote the word "horror" up there *Up* I didn't even think to look at the genre... I knew already. *Wink*

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

I actually really love the arrival in a ghost town. Sorta gave me a Twilight Zone type vibe.

The story also reminded me of "Mr. Flood's Party" by Edwin Arlington Robinson... old man up in the mountains, imagining/remembering being down in civilization. I recommend the poem, by the way... you might like it.

*Burstp**Burstr*Beginning & End*Bursto**Burstv*
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

The hook was okay... it set up the story. It also set up the narrative, story-teller tone. This story is 100% telling with no real showing, by the way... the "gash all the way to the bone that bled profusely" is one example. I don't see it... just hear it being described. Yanno? I didn't get much voice for the narrator either actually. Not sure how effective that story-teller feel really is, is what I'm saying.

*Burstp**Burstr*Plot*Bursto**Burstv*

I'm okay with the plot. At first, I thought the ending was a little just... out of nowhere. But it is what it is. I've seen anthologies do just this. It's fine but not like... amazing. *Laugh* Man, I wish they could all be amazing.

*Burstp**Burstr*Character(s)*Bursto**Burstv*

Old hermit dude... loves nature... stuck in his ways. That's about all I've got. It's probably enough, since this is so short. But I wish I'd seen some of that through his actions.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language*Bursto**Burstv*

The Woolly Walla Willow is a real thing, I'm guessing? *Laugh* Never heard of that type... and I actually heard Bugs Bunny saying it in my head because of "Walla Walla Washington", which Loony Tunes used all the time.

This is a perfect example of a "probably just me" thing... but it didn't create a horror atmosphere for me. Just saying.

There is also a fair bit of wordiness here that could be tightened to include more detail (and foreshadowing for the ending). Some are little like "small log cabin deep in the forest" -- I'd cut small and log. The deep part is the important one. Since "deep in the forest" is a cliche (I wanna say it's used in fairy tales a whole lot?), I'd maybe go with "miles" as a descriptor... "many miles into the forest" or something of that nature.

Others are more... extensive?

"But the town was deserted, and all of the stores and houses were completely empty." Man... I'd cut everything after "and" and then use that space to describe something. "But the town was deserted. Even the sidewalks were coated in dust"... something like that. Why? A deserted town is... empty. Like, you already said that.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Anyway, you know I love you, bro. This isn't your best story. It's an decent draft though. And yanno... this is the second piece today that I kinda just... wanted to steal and revise myself. I'm thinking that's a great sign for the whole... writing again thing. *Wink* So thanks for the inspiration! *Heart* And thanks for letting me continue to raid your old stories.

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42
42
Review of August.  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi! *Smile* I remember you, but I don't remember reading your work before. Always up for that.


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I was going through Read & Review, waiting for either a Mod or Registered Author to pop up (doing a challenge right now)... you weren't on my list, but here I am anyway. It definitely caught my attention. The word usage... the language. That's what caught my eye.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

Definitely the word usage and language. The descriptions are nice, but it's the random phrase that's so good. "The sky looks anxious and tired today"... *Heart* That's one example. "The flower and the juice jug are both going stale" is another. They're interesting and unusual, which is one of my favorite things about poetry.

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

Why not pull the first sentence into the present as well? "years and rot line the walls" is a stronger statement for an intro. That type of pruning would be extremely useful throughout. You use strong words and have some really unique things to say here... but they're sometimes mucked up by over wordiness.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

Another example of simplifying to let the really strong phrases shine:

"a fragrance fills the thick air - something naked and fresh, a little ruptured and slightly bruised"

Love love this... but it's wordier than needed. If I was to edit this?

"fragrance fills the air--a little ruptured and slightly bruised"

Why? "a" is implied. "Thick" stands out as an unneeded adjective that takes away from the rest (especially "fresh"-- a fresh scent in thick air... it's hard to imagine for me personally.

And while I really like "something naked and fresh", the repeated structure of ___ and ____, _____ and _____ doesn't flow that well and feels too... balanced. This is describing something a little off kilter. Second, as nice as this phrase is (and all it implies), the next phrase is much much stronger and implies the opposite. The balanced structure for the naked/fresh vs ruptured/bruised doesn't work for me personally, I love the phrasing and implications for the latter, and removing the first phrase causes much more focus on the second phrase.

Similarly, I'd probably axe the repetition of "the sky"... 3 of the 4, to be honest. "The lights trickle out gently" -- can thing trickle roughly? One more unneeded word. "taste fatigue and beauty and nothingness" -- the word "and" is less abrupt for flow than "a" and smooths it out while removing some excess bulk. See what I mean? A trim could be helpful.

*Burstp**Burstr*Flow / Rhythm*Bursto**Burstv*

The flow is decent in areas and excellent in others. Slightly uneven, but I think it could be improved with some pruning.

*Burstp**Burstr*Imagery*Bursto**Burstv*

Excellent for the most part. A few cliches here and there... the endlessly swimming night... that type of thing.

*Burstp**Burstr*Technical*Bursto**Burstv*

I love longer structured lines mixed with short... adore it. I'm no good at it myself. From the look of things here, you're not using it as effectively as you might. Why? look at all those commas. You're basically just not breaking the lines... but still including the pauses. Restructuring some phrasing could help there.

Also... OhEmGee with the commas instead of periods. It's way WAY harder to read and to figure out what you mean by any given phrase, let alone how it connects to those around it. Some sentence structure could really help.

*Burstp**Burstr*One Thing to Work On?*Bursto**Burstv*
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Pruning and proper punctuation. *Thumbsup*

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Overall, I'm super intrigued and pretty impressed with the quality of some turns of phrase in here. Some are very subtle... others are 100% not subtle. Some of the flow is crazy good... some of it is awkward. It's a bit all over the place, but man.. I really love some of what's on the page here. It could definitely use another draft or two or ten. In fact, I'd LOVE to play with this myself. So much potential! As for the rating, it's a wash between good things and bad things... with an extra half star for some particularly nice moments. *Heart*

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for entry "Traffic" 
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Joy! *Smile* It has been a long time since I read your poetry... probably since the last time I shared poems with you all at the Dew Drop Inn. Maybe this year will be my triumphant return.


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

I perused your book here, just looking for one that I could comment on as far as... things to improve or tweak... and also bits that really stand out to me. This one has both things that I really like and a few areas that could be tweaked if you wanted.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

I do love a punchy ending! This definitely has that. *Heart*

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*

I don't know that "Done with waiting" is the strongest line for the opener... but it connects nicely with the final line-- and not just because of the repetition of "done" (which would be subtler with a word tweak for one or the other). The message here is very consistent-- being stuck, moving an inch and getting stuck again, the setbacks of life. It's super clear, and in that way, the opening line perfectly sets up what the poem is about, while the stanza as a whole introduces the metaphor. It isn't super punchy, but it serves its function.

By the way, the first thing to grab me about the poem was "saturates". It's an interesting choice, and I've been going back and forth on whether I like it or not. It took a while to nail down what itches at me about it... saturates creates a strong image in my mind... like ink seeping into paper, a slow sprawl. That all works well for traffic, but grammatically, it saturates what? The lane? The narrator's field of vision? It feels slightly disconnected. That's what hung me up.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

I'd consider a stronger verb than "goes" on line 1 of stanza 2. Something... related to driving? Maybe "veers" or that type of thing.

"to a need to close" - this line brings the "to" prepositional phrases to 3 in a row. It tripped me up and feels repetitive in a not-so-effective way. Some amount of repetition could be useful in here, given the subject. This particular one didn't seem to work. The flow is great, but the to-to-to still tripped me up.

Love that line break on 'distances', by the way.

I wonder if "of" in "of one spiral to another" is necessary. To me, it feels like it makes the meaning a bit murky because I don't know why it's there. As a direct parallel, these work:

bumper to bumper
one spiral to another

Essentially, bumper to bumper/spiral to spiral. It relates the traffic directly to the narrator's life without the "of". If you change one thing, I'd change that. Ummm... unless you meant something else there that I'm not getting.

The second stanza also felt bulky to me... and not because of its length compared to the others. I think it's because 4 of the 7 lines begin with prepositions. The line breaks are a little on-the-nose, but also it makes the stanza feel bulkier than it really is, since it sorta highlights those little "from/to/a/of" type of words.

*Burstp**Burstr*Flow / Rhythm*Bursto**Burstv*

Pretty much perfect. I stumbled very slightly on L3, but the line is cool enough that I don't care. That itty bitty faltering is actually fitting for the message here too, actually.

*Burstp**Burstr*Imagery*Bursto**Burstv*

Plenty. You don't burden a short poem with too much. It's just right I think.

*Burstp**Burstr*Originality*Bursto**Burstv*

I hadn't really thought of this, but I suppose traffic jams have been used as a metaphor for life grinding to a halt before. The first to come to mind for me is actually in a movie rather than a poem (Falling Down... great film, if dark and violent). In that way, it's not super original.

But there are some bits that make it feel unique. The saturating rush hour... the phrasing at the end of stanza 2... and the last two lines summarize in a way that feels fresh to me.

Basically, I'm not mad at it.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Overall, I think it works as a whole. I think it's a solid "good" right now. It's a really nice draft, love... whether you choose to revise or not. *Thumbsupl* If you want, I'll keep raiding your poetry here and there. You know I'm a sucker for NaPo creations. *Laugh*


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Review of Little Oskar  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

The title is cute! It does sound like a family or children's story title, so it's pretty fitting too.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

The tone and narration-style voice works pretty well here. I could do with a little more voice, but it's still what stood out the most.

Additionally, it's clear that you can construct a sentence. That should be a given but really really isn't always the case here. *Laugh*

*Burstp**Burstr*Beginning & End*Bursto**Burstv*
I think that the beginning and ending are super important for a story because they determine whether someone will keep reading and whether they will be satisfied with what they read. I like to focus a bit of my reviews on these two areas.

If I was just reading for pleasure instead of to review, I would have kept looking for something to read after the first line. "one fall Saturday afternoon"... that's a whole lot... it feels overloaded and doesn't bode well for the rest. Try to be sparing with the descriptors given to any one word if you revise.

*Burstp**Burstr*Character(s)*Bursto**Burstv*

I feel like I never really cared about any of the people or what happened. It's sort of a slice-of-life type story, so I guess it doesn't matter much for the plot. But the characters and/or setting are what sell it otherwise. I didn't get quite enough setting... and the dad is the only one whose character really came through for me.

*Burstp**Burstr*Language*Bursto**Burstv*

There is a WHOLE lot of "was" in here. Like, the majority of sentences use "was"... some action verbs in here would help with momentum. There are some other nitpicky things, but that would help greatly. Most of the time, this feels like "telling"... and not the type of telling where you see it and feel it... just telling telling. That part of the narration isn't the best part.

*Burstp**Burstr*Dialogue*Bursto**Burstv*

I'm sure some people would recommend dialogue here. I don't think it's necessary if you vary the "telling" language some more. If you don't want to vary up that aspect, then dialogue would give some reprieve from the telling, if you know what I mean. It would break up the lack of action.

*Burstp**Burstr*Originality*Bursto**Burstv*

I haven't read a story just like this... so I think you're just fine with the orginality.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Overall, I could have been much more engaged. The writing could be cleaned up as far as word choice and phrasing goes... and changing up all the "was" would help greatly for both I think. It's not bad by any means... but it's not quite good yet either. What raised it higher than average is that the grammar didn't drive me bonkers... which made the writing easy to understand (which is better than average on WDC I think).

If you revise, I'd be happy to take another look. Good luck with it! *Heart*

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#2208950 by Brooklyn

*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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Review of Disguise  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile* I hope you enjoy your time here!


*Burstp**Burstr*What Caught My Eye*Bursto**Burstv*

The description sounded interesting... a cosmic connection with an invisible force. Seems sort of mysterious. It was enough to make me curious.

*Burstp**Burstr*Favorite Aspects*Bursto**Burstv*

Your word choice isn't just... boring everyday language... it has some punch.

*Burstp**Burstr*Hook*Bursto**Burstv*
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.

Ice fire... those are both nouns, which to me makes this ineffective. Are we supposed to imagine the icy-fiery feeling in our veins or... just imagine some sort of internal conflict or...? It hints at both but doesn't really do either.

I've also heard the whole "ice in veins" and "fire in veins" a zillion times, so as a hook, it isn't the strongest.

The lightning spark is more interesting. It makes the lightning sound pretty tame though... usually it flashes or cracks or... something more vibrant than "spark"... which is used much like "a lightning flash". I'd consider "A spark of lightning". In its current state, that would make the line too long, but I'd revise it all.

People say "illuminates a shadow" often enough that it bothers me... not so much as a cliche but as an imprecise image/action. If you illuminate a shadow, the shadow is gone. The illumination either creates a shadow or destroys the shadow. So if you mean destroys the shadow (which is the only accurate meaning... the shadow disappears), there are so many cooler ways to say that! I'd roll with "creates a shadow". I get what you mean... it's an invisible force, so the lightning makes a shadow and makes it a known entity. However, the description isn't part of the poem itself, and you haven't set up the "entity" yet.

In the depths of what?

Do you see the entity clearly... as in, it's corporeal now? Or is it just the shadow?

*Burstp**Burstr*Language / Word Choice*Bursto**Burstv*

This is my summary of the last line of stanza 1 through the end of stanza 3:

"I see you, now I don't, but I know you, and even though I can't see you, you cannot hide... and I see you through the hiding (even though you thought I couldn't), but I did see you and wanted me to."

Man... it's sort of exhausting. We get it. The entity is hidden or trying to hide... but you see it. Saying it once is usually most effective. Also, what happened to the strong word choice and imagery from the first stanza? The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs are mostly dull, everyday language.

The 4th stanza is by far the best part of the poem... which is a shame since it's not the beginning or end... it's not in a "wow" position. The structure of it is very dull "You this. You that." But the image of being tied to a star is a good one... in a metaphorical star sort of way. This is the first "cosmic" thing as well.

The "bind me to the earth" is the opposite of the line prior... which can work to indicate that this entity is pulling you in impossible directions... but it just sounds poorly thought out because of the mirrored structure. "You tie me to the stars / while binding me to earth" would be much MUCH better. It alters the structure in a more effective way... and it makes it clear that this was an intentional statement.

Why isn't your body married to your mind already? I don't know if that sentence says what you meant it to say. If so, it seems false.

The create/destroy sounds false too. There has been no hint at a rebirth or anything here... unless that was the intention of 'surge from the depths'. So... the entity didn't create you... unless you were an empty body and unattached mind that it put together, in which case... how did you do all of that "seeing" and "knowing" before?

The last stanza seems totally unnecessary. The structure isn't memorable or interesting... and it seems to be going in the wrong direction. The entity has made itself known by doing all of this... tying and binding and creating and destroying. So now it's hiding again? I'd cut stanza 5 completely.

*Burstp**Burstr*Originality*Bursto**Burstv*

Though the writing could be more effective and clear, the concept behind this one intrigued me. The end result is too non-specific to satisfy my expectations, but it COULD be really cool. I think you had something with the intro stanza and lost it along the way. A little rewriting could bring it to life.

*Burstp**Burstr*Emotiveness*Bursto**Burstv*

Emotiveness really comes from word choice, and the manipulation of the reader is based of the strength and placement of words. This isn't quite there yet. It's not a sensory experience either, which could help for a supernatural romance type of piece.

*Burstp**Burstr*One Thing to Work On?*Bursto**Burstv*
What one thing will make the biggest difference for this piece?

Definitely pruning. You could make a much stronger draft by just cutting the repetitions in stanza 1,2,3... and axing the last stanza. You'd be left with something like this:

Stanza 1: Sparks fly, lightning sparks, and I see you... just as you hoped I would.

Stanza 2: You tied me to the stars and created me and destroyed me.


Done. Just simplifying the heck out of it and then choosing your words for impact... instantly a stronger piece. You have some good stuff on the page already. Just clear out the fluff to let those bits shine. A poem doesn't have to be incredibly long... it doesn't need 4-5 stanzas if one or two will do the job.

*Burstp**Burstr*Effect*Bursto**Burstv*

Well, overall... it could be stronger. It wasn't super effective, but I feel like this is a first or very early draft. The idea is the star... and the real shine will come from revision and future drafts. If it's okay with you, I think I'll keep an eye on your work. I love poetry... and you accomplished something here. You piqued my interest AND made me want to revise it myself. That is more effective in its way than lots of poems. You also inspired a very long (sorry *Blush*) review. I only do that if I see promise.

Good luck! I'd be happy to take another look and re-rate if you decide to work on it some more. *Heart*

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*Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr* A warm welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  *Burstgr* *Burstgr* *Burstgr*


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46
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Review of Frayed  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi! I found your item through Read & Review. It caught my eye because, at a glance, you had some interesting words: footfalls, pattern, fibers. I always look for word choice! *Thumbsup*


*Burstb* Things I Liked:

I like the metaphor (or simile I suppose). Particularly the "roll me up" bit. It's clever. Robbed of vibrancy through too many washings too... it's good. Not sure that "shadow of memory" is super effective there, but I like what you're hinting at. I'd consider just "shadow memory"... as in the memory itself 1. lost color and 2. is a bit shifty.

*Burstb* Comments/Suggestions:

like the edges
of an old worn rug

- I'd cut worn here and just go with "old rug" since you use "worn" in the next line.

worn, thin and dull

- I would try to get rid of this use of 'worn' too. Perhaps throw in a "threadbare" instead. That term would actually be perfect in the "keep my fibers strong" area.

the luster/beauty and color/pattern seem pretty similar. I wonder if the differentiation could be made stronger somehow. I do like the "stolen by repeat washings" line, by the way... but it's a good example of what I mean too: The luster and beauty could have been stolen by repeat washings too. See what I mean?


Anyway, I know that this is quite an old poem, but it never hurts to revisit. I think it's pretty good as-is. It could be stronger though. The metaphor is the star, and I think it works very well. If you take it a tiny bit further with the language and word choice, I think it could be really stellar. *Heart*



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47
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Review of Destination  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi! I found your item through Read & Review. It caught my eye because it is so incredibly short, to be honest. I like to see what people do with this type of micro-form. I've never written one that satisfied me... they're much much harder than they look.


*Burstb* Things I Liked:

The best thing about this piece really is the final line with its question mark. It actually brings a whole lot to mind for just a single word. Is it really the destination... is it really final (reincarnation?)... etc.

*Burstb* Comments/Suggestions:

I feel like the second line could have pushed further. Dark? Sorta cliche. Lonely is a bit better. Both describe people though. That made me think that you might be doing Death as in... the grim reaper. A person/entity. But you're not... it seems those are from the POV of the person dying or approaching death. I was almost disappointed by that.

Grasping is also an action of a person... I assumed the grim reaper until the POV was made clear. The use of Ending doesn't really work here, since everything until now is about the person's experience with death... while "Ending" seems more like a synonym than an experience in this context. That could just be me though.

Like 4 is mostly a throw-away. "The" is filler... ultimate and final are synonyms, so only one would be needed. I like the idea of the journey though. This line doesn't fulfill the requirement of capturing a feeling. I would think more like... what does the end of a journey feel like? Going home? Peace? Floating? Basically, there is just no feeling attached to "final" or "ultimate" or "ending" unless you attach it. It's different to everyone and for every situation.

I know that this poem is super old. I have far worse little poems this old in my port. *Blush* Sometimes it's good to look back at them... see how far I've grown... maybe even give one a rewrite. In fact, I'm pretty sure lots of them are just random contest entries that I never touched again. It could be worth a revisit. *Heart*

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48
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Review of Demon Type Items  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Oh jeez, love! This one had me worried. *Laugh* Read & Review is pulling some truly old stuff out of people long-forgotten folders right now. I just reviewed a 10+ year old poem from Ken... and then saw this one from you.

Now, there is improvement, and there is this. *Rolling* I read it and thought... wtf, to be honest. It this is where you started, it's sorta mind-blowing, right? Then I saw the folder it's in... "Slammed Out"... the old poetry slam, bad poetry thing. That's a relief.

So... you succeeded in writing something awful here. The endless -ings. Oh man. It's sort of like nails on a chalk board, so nicely done. I'm thinking this is.. a double pyramid poem? I haven't written one since high school, but it's hard to forget once you've seen one. The effect here is just... too redundant for words.

It's always hard to decide whether to go with a 5-star or 1-star review for these things. I've written intentionally bad poetry too, and I think 1-star makes the most sense. Though technically, you nailed the intent here.


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49
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Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hey, Ken! Long time no see! *Wink* I've got no templates right now and am not feeling overly font happy, so bear with me. *Laugh*


The first and most obvious feedback for this piece is actually part of the footnote. I'd strongly recommend included pronunciation for all of the names you included definitions for. I would hope that everyone knows the pronunciation of valkyries or Valhalla... but I bet they don't. Names making use of non-English alphabet will definitely trip some people up and affect the flow of your lines. It's worth considering, I think.


I feel like the references are a bit heavy handed in the beginning. Particularly in stanza 2... they spread out nicely after that. The same happens at the end, to be honest. And what is the easiest to read and has the smoothest flow? The middle. I might consider a general restructuring based on stanza two. Given the prevalence of night being equated with death in poetry (too many to even mention, as I'm sure you know)... I think it could be effective to begin with Sunna and end with Valhalla's night lights. The journey begins, the horizon is the destination, and night is the end... with the welcoming embrace of the gods. I mean, really... it just seems so logical.

At any rate, I'd try to work it out in such a way that the references are more evenly distributed, if for no other reason than the heavy feel of the loaded beginning and ending. I can't think of many instances where I've seen references that heavily used outside of really old school-meter. More modern than Homer... but old meter, yanno? *Laugh*

or the memory of me fades
like dying echoes

*Up* Some lines in here feel a bit... cliche... or at least not as fresh as they could be. I'd fine-tooth-comb this piece looking for word choice improvements and/or more unique phrasing where possible.

And should I fail -
I will be content in the trying

Man, that is an old poetry sentiment too. I'm surprised you didn't go with a ballad or other really old form for this one, given the subject matter and sentiment. It seems like it would be super fitting, and I know you like your verse. *Wink*



Ohohohoh... I actually only JUST now realized how freaking old this piece is! At a glance, I just thought it was 2019 not 2009! No wonder it doesn't quite gel. *Laugh* I don't know about you, but I do sometimes dust of and just... fully rewrite poems this old. I can say with all honesty that you've improved in the past 10 years... always nice to look back and recognize how far we've come.

On a side note, I've missed you, old man. *Heart*


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Review of Karma  
Review by Cinn
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi! Your piece popped up in Read & Review, and it caught my eye enough to keep reading. Always a good thing, right? *Laugh*

“There was not a cloud in the sky that day - You don't need the " punctuation here. For opening lines, it's not as much of a hook as what follows... this is a bit of a cliche. "Not a cloud in the sky" isn't the only way to say that it was cloudless, sunny, or a generally nice day. I'd consider tweaking that.

I usually worked all week, then weekends, spring to fall, the beach was always too crowded to bother going. - I like the flow of the sentences here... it's a nice rhythm. For what it's worth, I also think this would make a much much better intro. The problem: sentences. This is a run-on. It's an easy fix: "fall. The beach"

One day there was a broken pipe at work, we all got sent home. There was really nothing at ‘home’ for me - Again, I like the tone and flow of the writing, but it isn't a punchy as it could be. "One day[,] a broken pipe sent us home from work." This particular example wouldn't work well in every type of writing, but in a narrative like you're writing, it would be perfect I think. It uses a stronger subject and predicate... "there was" vs "pipe sent". Changing the first line would make the "there was" in the next line feel less repetitive, though really... you could punch up that line too. 'To be' verbs aren't very strong, but they work in a narrative story-telling type of story if used sparingly.



Your writing style reminds me lots of 50's-60's writers, particularly the narration and tone. Still though, the grammar of things like "I worked all week, I hated the weekends, my parents had moved to the city." is driving me nuts. Stylistic flow (which I like) vs the super obvious run-on sentence... man. I'd suggest "I worked all week and hated the weekends. My parents had moved to the city." OR "I worked all week. I hated the weekends since my parents had moved to the city." OR something similar. Relate the middle sentence to one of the others with a sentence break. It doesn't disrupt the flow... still has a choppy short feel.



The description of "big and gold colored" signifies something important here because your writing thus far was lacking in description (not at all a bad thing-- it's actually a pretty modern writing style for a piece with a 50's/60's tone... nicely done and refreshing). This is quite effective.

The ending was a bit jarring. It seemed abrupt because the tone changed. The 'that was grandfather' seemed natural enough... and kept the tone nicely. The jokey tone of the "Now tell me / use a good laugh" lines sorta... shattered the tone you had going. I'd consider revising how you close the story out. There is surely a way to reveal that it is, indeed, the grandfather without shifting the tone to jokey.


The ending also brings me back to the beginning... she worked all the time and the beach was too crowded to bother going... but she didn't mind when she was young. So she's a grandma who works all the time then? Basically, what's the timeline for the first few lines vs the rest starting with "I didn't mind when I was young"? It's unclear. If this is the present, and she's walking with her grandkid at the beach or something, a bit more clarity is in order. It may even make the ending seem less jarring.


Overall, I think there is some nice writing here, particularly in tone. It's a decent first draft that could be polished into something really lovely. Good luck with it!


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