This was good--the overall plot is funny. I guess my only recommendation is maybe adding some dialogue format to it--mainly between Barbara and Ruby--that reveals the story instead of an unknown narrator.
Maybe having Father Matthew come in with the bandaged head and one of them asking "What happened?" He explains it's a long story and sits down with the other ministers, but one of the two (Barbara or Ruby) already knows and explains to the other while they're cooking, etc.
I hope that's helpful. Nice job overall. Your characterizations are great.
Who knew tax codes could be this entertaining! This was great. I loved your writing style in this and didn't see anything about it that I would change.
I really like the way you blended different aspects of the story together--it felt seemless reading it, even though they were basically two different situations going on.
This is funny. My only suggestions are just a lot of minor things to polish it up a bit. I know this should get higher ratings afterwards. The content itself is in the 4.0-4.5 range.
Here's a list of what I found:
waste full--typo, wasteful
them self’s--themselves
Would you not a agree?--got an "a" there that isn't needed.
...and Humans really need to go there separate ways.--their seperate ways.
Santa would make a great candidate, wouldn't he? He already has all the money and power he wants and an unselfish and giving heart.
My only suggestion on this would to make the ending of the story section a little longer. I realize you were probably under a word limit, so that's okay. I just think it would make it better.
On a more serious note, I definitely agree with everyone needing to vote in this next election. A lot of the direction of our country depends on having the right leadership.
This is funny--your poor cats! I've always wanted to try a Scooba or something similar. Fortunately we have no pets, though my husband does have a tendency to name his Dewalt tools.
I think you've done a great job with this. I honestly couldn't find anything I'd want to change. The pictures are a nice touch as well--maybe add a fake schematic showing little Xanadu in the compartment.
This seems like it will be funny live, especially with the pirate accents. I have to say you have the funniest names for pirates, lol.
My only suggestions are minor, just spelling things I noticed that probably won't matter too much. I listed them though just in case you have to turn in a script for the project.
Pirate 3: (intoxicated)“Ya, well thats what your wife said...last...night”--typo, that's
John: “It be the name of me ship. Its lucky to name a ship after a woman.”--typo, It's lucky...
It honestly took reading this a few times, but I think I understand what you're saying and agree with you. The desires to improve oneself and to help others have fueled the imaginations of a lot of inventors and artists.
From the decription line, it made me think that you believed only selfish reasons caused progress, but then you later reveal the other aspects of it.
Have you considered putting these essays in a collection? I think they're great for sparking all kinds of thoughts on the topics you discuss.
As far as the content, I give this a 5 out of 5. You just have place where the formating of the page is messed up a little. It's at this point:
Franz Xaver Gruber (1787-1863)
In his pocket was a poem that he had written.
If you fix it, let me know and I'll change my rating to a 5. This is such a great story and I learned several things I didn't know. As a child, the first song I learned to play on a small organ was "Silent Night." It's always had a special significance to me.
Take care,
Tricia
P.S. This review is also helping a charity. You can find out more about it by clicking the photo below. You can even win a merit badge or GPs for participating, and it's for a good cause.
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
Great job with this! The last time I was at Builtmore I was around ten years old. It was during Christmas time. Richie Rich had just been filmed earlier that year, and everyone was talking about it.
I remember the house itself was one of the most amazing things I'd ever seen as a kid. The decorations were beautiful. Unfortunately due to time reasons we didn't get to see anything else. I'd like to go back next time we're in the area.
My main suggestion on this is it seems a little short--I guess it's good you left us wanting more, but it would be great if you could add more to it. What you have already is well-written, so I wouldn't change anything about it.
Great job! Take care,
Tricia
P.S. This review is also helping a charity. You can find out more about it by clicking the photo below. You can even win a merit badge or GPs for participating, and it's for a good cause.
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
This was really good. I only have a few minor suggestions that I think would help it.
With the story your father wrote, you need to find a way to visually seperate it from the rest of the article. (When I reached the end of what he wrote, I still continued reading for a moment--then realized you had picked back up again. It distracted me for a brief moment.) Making it a slightly different color or putting it in italics would work.
If you have the type of membership that would allow you to do it, it would be cool if you have a few photos added to this as well.
Great job overall. I enjoyed reading it!
Take care,
Tricia
P.S. This review is also helping a charity. You can find out more about it by clicking the photo below. You can even win a merit badge or GPs for participating, and it's for a good cause.
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
You did a great job with this article--I honestly don't see anything about it that I would change.
I was at a service earlier this year where a guest pastor explained the reason the tree of knowledge of good and evil was in the garden and why Adam and Eve were not to eat from it. Though it was not what we would consider hard labor, Adam and Eve did have a responsibility over the tree as well as everything else in the garden.
There's an importance to the the fact they were not supposed to recieve any direct benefit from their efforts in tending to the tree even though they had direct access to it. God was using it to show them how to give.
Everything in the garden belonged to God, and they were welcome to everything He owned but that particular tree. It wasn't just the fact they ate the fruit--it's that they stole what wasn't theirs to take. That's how sin entered, and God and sin can't co-exist. Jesus of course later liberated us from the curse of sin as the ultimate sacrifice.
It's not an issue of salvation, but the issue of tithing parallels the situation in the Garden of Eden. It's setting aside a tenth of our efforts (which today often translates into money) in recognition that the entire 100% belongs to God.
Great job on this! Take care,
Tricia
P.S. This review is also helping a charity. You can find out more about it by clicking the photo below. You can even win a merit badge or GPs for participating, and it's for a good cause.
** Image ID #1347931 Unavailable **
This was cool--it's funny the everyday objects in our lives that we take for granted. I learned a lot of things about smoke detectors that I didn't know prior to reading this article. I'm the type of person who likes to know how things work, so I enjoyed reading this.
Have you considered doing a series of these? It would make a good book.
Take care,
Tricia
P.S. This review also helps a charity. You can find out more about it by clicking the picture below. You could even win a merit badge or GPs for participating, and it's for a good cause.
I've got this item bookmarked in case I ever have a fit of temporary insanity and want to go back to doing customer service over the phone.
A friend of mine does tech support for a college. One day the internal e-mail system temporarily went down. When it was finally fixed, he found an e-mail from a professor--in his work inbox--letting him know that the internal system was down. Sigh...
Great job on this. It was funny. Hope things get better for you.
Take care,
Tricia
P.S. This review also helps a charity. You can find out more about it by clicking the picture below. You can even win a merit badge of GPs if you want to participate, and it's for a good cause.
When it comes to the future, I like to look at it in terms of my own personal future and the future in general. In general, I'm an optimistic person. I think we do have the ability to determine how both will go.
From a society standpoint, I guess my biggest concern is people who are apathetic to everything except their own personal problems. (The ironic thing is the answer to a lot of those problems is finding a purpose bigger than ourselves.)
In America, a lot of religious heritage is trying to be buried by certain groups of people because it conflicts with their way of thinking. I think more people are eventually going to get tired of their religious rights being stepped on. That situation is going to have major implications on our culture and politics in the next few years.
This is an interesting poll. Take care,
Tricia
P.S. This review is also helping a charity. You can find out more about it by clicking the picture below. You can even win a merit badge or GPs for participating, and it's for a great cause--a better future for some people.
I agree with you for the most part in this. The few things I disagree with are mainly because I've seen more people who procrastinate (to the point of not taking any action) than I have arrogant people. I think most writers fall between the two extremes, though.
I personally could not tell someone to wait a certain period of time before they published or attempted to have their work published traditionally. I realize this is an extreme example, but I picture someone having their manuscript locked up somewhere and then they end up being in a car wreck, etc. I couldn't have the even possiblity of that on my conscience. I realize that's probably not what you meant, but there's people out there that will take you literally.
To me if you've done due dilligence as far as editing mulitple times and having a piece reviewed, it's at least worth trying. Life is too short and precious to take for granted, and people need to follow their dreams. Writing is such an interesting mix of both business and heart, which is why I like it so much.
This is a clear and well-written essay, and I do respect your opinion.
Have a great night,
Tricia
P.S. This review has also been done for a charity. If you like to review, you may also want to check it out. Just click on the photo below. You can even win merit badges and GPs for your time, and it's a great cause.
Teachers are a very important part of our society that sadly often get ignored. I know for me personally, teachers played a big part in who I am today. They always encouraged me even when every aspect of my life outside of school was unstable. It takes a really special person to do the job, and I can definitely tell your heart is in this.
My only suggestion is relatively minor but in a way still important. You may want to bold the text on this because the light blue isn't showing up that well in normal mode. (It would be a shame that people pass this up because it's physically hard to read it.)
Great job on this though. I liked it.
Take care,
Tricia
P.S. I'm doing reviews today to help a charity. If you like reviewing, you might want to take a look, too. Just click on the picture, and it will direct you to an item that has more information. You can even win merit badges or gift points.
I really like this poem. It's very descriptive and has a nice rhythm to it.
As far as suggestions, you may want to seperate the poem into groups of 4 lines (just makes it look nicer visually). I think it would end stronger if you had the last punctuation as a period instead of the set of three periods. That's mainly just my opinion--it won't really hurt anything if you decide not to change it.
Great job on this! Take care,
Tricia
P.S. I'm doing reviews today to help a charity. If you like reviewing, you might want to take a look, too. Just click on the picture, and it will direct you to an item that has more information. You can even win merit badges or gift points.
This is such an excellent idea--I encourage everyone on the site to participate in this. I'm going to do as many reviews as I can personally, as well as include an entry about this in my blog.
Again, what makes this particular charity unique from my perspective is that it's a better solution to the overall problem of poverty. It's educating people how to use their creativity to do great things with a smaller amount of start-up money. It's also giving people hope, which is a very powerful thing.
You have a lot of great information in this--you just need to smooth out the formating of the item. For some reason paragraphs on the web appear larger than they do on paper.
I like the bullet points (check out the Writing ML if you'd like something more visual than boxes), but you just need to break the larger paragraphs into many smaller ones. I think you'll start getting more reviews when that happens.
Your advice is excellent. I think we read the same type of books!
This is really cute--I could definitely see this as a children's book. I think you could go a little longer with it, with as many animals as you wanted.
Add some illustrations to this, and I really think you'd have something on par with a lot of children's books I've seen. It's very sweet.
You have some really well-done action scenes in this. It was fun to read--I could definitely see this as a comic book series if you wanted to go in that direction. You have great characters.
What will help this item the most is just little things--there's a noticable amount of spelling errors and typos that I know that Word likely didn't catch. I tried to find as many of them as I could for you and have them listed here.
over sized table--over-sized table
You got another offer this mourning.--Typo; morning.
But they got finances.--would sound a little better if "they've" was used in place of "they"
I have to hear from a couple more judges, and hopefully we'll have results from the Sci-Fi and Fantasy contest out soon.
This is an excellent editing check-list. You have a lot of great advice and everything you listed would make any story stronger. I don't see anything about it that I would change.
Thanks for sharing it with us. I'm actually going to store this and refer back to it when I'm finished with rough drafts.
When I read number 10 was parentheses, I started to worry that I was going to be a 10 out of 10 on this!
Fortunately the others have not been a major issue for me. Whew!
I would definitely suggest this item to other authors on the site who are looking to improve. It's worth becoming aware of possible distractions to our readers.
Thanks for doing this and hope everything is going well for you. I noticed your pen name/handle. I don't like hospitals either.
I don't see many articles about this, and it was interesting to read.
I grew up in a strange situation. I was tested as "gifted" at a young age and my younger brother was diagnosed with severe autism/ADHD around the same time. My parents had to nagivate having children in two totally different circumstances.
The small town I grew up in had no pre-K program, so I was moved to kindergarten when I was 4. Then it turned out the class was so small they needed to move us to another classroom. I ended up in a room where half of it was 4 and 5 year olds and the other half was 7 and 8 year olds. Somewhere along the line they figured out I was retaining and understanding what was going on with the 2nd grade side of the classroom. I remember feeling really good hearing the word "gifted" a lot--It made me want to keep challenging myself, something that's stayed with me my whole life.
There's probably the only major disadvantage I would warn parents of gifted children about--don't let your child link grades with they're self-worth. Most likely their intelligence is what is going to bring them a lot of attention through life, but they need to know that they're loved and valuable for the children that they are. Let them know that it's okay to fail sometimes, and that it's just a part of learning.
For the most part, I would highly recommend any gifted program through school. I found them very fun and the association with other students around the same age and maturity level is helpful. My parents let me choose whether to skip grades or not--I didn't. It was hard enough being a few months younger and later watching all my friends get their driver's license before me, lol.
Great job on this! You definitely got me on a roll, lol.
I'm not sure why anyone would question your parenting skills because everything you listed is really great advice. I'm sure you've gone the best you can given your circumstances.
It sounds like your kids are in good shape and stable, and that they've handled the divorce well. It's good that you and your ex-husband are both still there for them. I've seen several situations in my life where parents try to pit children against the other ex-spouse, which is really sad.
Great job on this! I don't have any major suggestions. Take care,
Tricia
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/cougar1002/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 3:09am on Apr 26, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
This was great. I loved your writing style in this and didn't see anything about it that I would change.
He already has all the money and power he wants and an unselfish and giving heart.