I like this poem of fear during a storm. Giving the storm a female personality added another level of complexity to this piece.
When I read the last four lines, they didn't flow as smoothly as the rest of the poem. The thoughts presented are good, but the manner of delivery needs a little work. Here is a suggestion to improve the flow (and my idea is not perfect):
'And so, I closed my eyes and thought
Of all before the storm.
Calm and happy memories lulled me to peaceful slumer.
The raging storm was gone when I awoke from my sleep.'
This is just a suggestion that sounds good to my ears. We are all different (thank goodness, I need other's ideas). In the final writing, it is the author who has to be satisfied with what he/she wrote.
Again, welcome and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hello, I'm not sure of the form for Pensee type of poetry, so it is hard for me to comment on that form. I would suggest adding a description of the form at the end of your poem. Readers could then better understand why the poem is a short one and make comment on how well you followed the form.
The words you used tell of the sea, but maybe you could you use more imagery to make it stand out in the readers mind. For example the line 'Lots of water' could be described as 'Living water'.
These are suggestions from my point of view. Luckily we all have different ideas or life would be boring. Take what you feel is helpful. In the end it is the creator of the poetry who needs to be satisfied with the work.
I like the little story this poem tells.It is very creative. However it would be easier to read if it had punctuation added. For instance, one of your lines reads 'All of a sudden I can't see the moon has gone black.' A comma would help me to understand the sentence a little better. 'All of a sudden I can't see, the moon has gone black.' The comma separates two actions in one sentence.
The other thing that would help this piece is to write it all in the same tense. In one line you say, 'I was memerized...' then in another you say 'Then the world goes black and I start running...' One is past tense and one is past tense.
This is a good start, I think a little work could make this great.
Being a poet, my final review is going to be for your poetry folder. I have read the poems therein. They are good, but the review is not about them. I have looked at the folders within this folder. The review is not about them either. It is about the little poem at the top of this folder.
It is short, sweet, and to the point. It tells your reason for this folder in a fun way.
This is the end of my raid on your port(for this time, I'll be back). I have enjoyed the evening with you. You kept me entertained. The TV was on and it didn't distract me once.
Hi again. Well I must say you are changing my mind about not really liking to read short stories. This is another good one.
It is a good reminder that our treasures in life are not always silver and gold. The words 'I love you, Mommy' are the most precious thing I have ever been gifted with.
Well PSanta-I'm ba-ack!, this is pretty good and again, going on the Public Review Page.
You claim to not be the poet in the family (saving that distinction for me), but this one may disprove that. The rhyme and flow of the piece is very good.
The subject is one we have discussed, but you put to pen. I just think you should have named him Thanatos.
Okay, this evokes emotions in a big way!! Which is what poetry is supposed to do. I hope this wasn't taken from an actual experience. Ugh!! I can't even imagine.
The title is an attention grabber. That is why I read this. I see no grammatical or spelling errors. So, along with the emotion, this is well written. Good job!!
Hey there Lyre Frost, my brother PSanta-I'm ba-ack! sent me the link to this story/poem. He saw it in the Horror Newsletter. It is a good childen's scary story.
You have a good imagination. I'm one who usually looks for rhyming patterns and such. I didn't even notice there wasn't a regular pattern.
I like your description, 'My first illustrated children's story, sans illustration'. Good one!!! Made me chuckle.
Hey there. This is far from my 'cup of tea', but I can appreciate a well written poem. What you say touches the emotions deeply. The imagery is excellent. I am seeing what I don't want to see.
There are a couple spots that need minor editing.
In the first verse, 8th line, there should be an apostrophe in the word 'thats' (that's). Also in the last line of the same verse, you need an apostrophe for the word 'its' (it's).
In the third verse you have too many of the letter 'd' in the word 'addorned' (adorned).
Even though this isn't my type of writing, keep on putting it out there for those who do like this type.
Hi Lydia, I see you have been among us for just a couple weeks. Welcome to Writing.Com!!
This is a cute children's poem. The title is intriguing. The comcept of the poem is wonderful. The aabba rhyming pattern is carried though in all verses.
But the rhythm and flow bogs down a little. Here are a few suggestions. These are from my point of view. In the end, it has to be you who is satisfied with what you write.
In the third verse a comma at the end of the word 'tall' would cause the reader to pause at that point which would help the rhythm, and a comma is used to separate words in a description. When leaving a letter off the front of a word usually requires an apostrophe to replace(') the letter. So the word (bout) would be written ('bout). I think maybe a comma after the 'own' would have pause the flow as previously stated and it make it easier to read.
In the last verse, the last line could be smoothed out a little. I think the word 'doesn't' is what throws off the rhythm. Perhaps it could read, "And at night it won't even drool'
I know this looks like a lot of 'stuff' I think could be improved, but it isn't. It just takes a lot of words to explain my thoughts.
Again, this is a cute poem. I like cute children's work, yours is on that list.
Hey Kalish, I saw a review for this ghazal on the Review Request Page. It has a classic feel to it.
The depth of feeling what you are saying, is quite evident. I was touched as I read it. I identify with your faith in the Lord's saving grace.
Thank you for the inclusion of the explanation of the form as you used it as well as the link to a further explanation.
Hi Ridinghood, I like this type of poem. I have heard of a Ghazal but was not sure what it is. It's pretty interesting. I may just try to write some myself.
The subject of your Ghazal is one of my very favorites.
I love writing about my Lord and Savior, and loved reading what you say about Him.
This is my thousandth review and I saved it for you. I'm glad I chose this poem for it. What a lovely sentiment it lets us share. I love the last lines,
'My true love always was here near me
I just opened my eyes and he came.'
I know I said it before, but it bears repeating, you have matured in your writing. Your versitility is very evident. You can write about anything that might come to mind. Vegemite is proof of that.haha
Hello, fellow coffee-drinker. Right now it is almost 11:30 at night where I live. Your Ode to Coffee has made me anxious to get to bed so I can appreciate the wonder of this brew in the morning. (My coffee pot has a timer, so the aroma awakes me in the morning. It is better than any alarm clock that has been manufactured.) Yes, it is worth waiting for! And your ode so excellently extolls that fact.
Hey, hello MattMore. This is a fun, colorful, children's poem. I really got into the swing, all except for the line that reads 'I didn't care I'll just danced.' Did you mean 'I just danced'? That would make a little more sense to me.
I really liked the rest and would probably change my rating to a 5star rating if that was fixed up.
Hello there, I am looking for giggles this evening. Your story of Charlie, the non-pet 'mouse roommate' provided them for me. I chuckled at the picture of you waiting with hammer in hand to send Charlie to mouse Valhalla. Being a female, I was concerned with bare feet, as a mouse was running around. I was glad to hear of the huge boots on your feet. That sight, along with the hammer raised high, brought an audible chuckle.
Thanks for the humor this cold, snowy evening, Nancy
Well Meg, I have been looking in the international food section of the big supermarket in town. I can't find any Vegemite. I'm thinking they need a new buyer for the store. He seems to be ignorant of the Australian delight. Maybe I should copy this most excellent poem extolling the wonders of the product you so masterfully describe for us. You have made this American poet hunger for the healthful wonder of concentrated extract of yeast.
I see you have a good deal of writing ablility. This poem is (without trying to sound trite) quite deep. You say what you feel in a very creative manner. For example speaking of 'the empty body that remains' after the gunshot. [That line, by the way needs a period at the end] Another example is the lines,
'Does one commit the very same sin
when choosing to die, or dying to win?'
Good job with this piece both grammatically and poetically. I admire your ability and talent.
Hello again, although this is far from my type of genre, it is a good poem. I'm not into 'dark stuff' but can appreciate something that is well written.
There a one place that, in my opinion, could use a different word to keep with the feel of the piece. In verse four I think the line that says, 'Will clouds stick like mud to their boots?' could read 'Will clouds (cling) like mud to their boots?'
In the fifthe verse the word 'cinge' should be spelled 'singe'
The last verse is perfect. Even though I don't agree with it, it feels inspired. Kind of like a classic poem.
This is a good idea for a poem. Adding a syllable to each verse does indeed show progression.
Before you enter it in the contest, there are a couple corrections to be made.
In the first verse, last line, maybe the line could read 'from the same white porch instead of 'for the same white porch'
Then in some of the verses there needs to be adjustment to the number of syllables.
3rd verse which uses 7 syllables, the 4th line only has 6 syllables. I think correcting it to read 'sometimes, (it) is all you need.' would add the neede syllable without changing the meaning.
4th verse, 4th line, has 9 syllables instead of 8. You could remove the word 'must' and retain the meaning.
5th verse, 2nd line. The word recreant has 3 syllables which adds an extra, making it 10 syllables instead of 9. You could amend the line to read 'The recreants are shaped by mentors.'
Last line of the last verse, for my ear at least, it would sound a little better to say 'On this I insist'
The syllable corrections are for sake of form. The last suggestion is merely subjective.
I do like this poem. I am just trying to help with editing for the contest. Let me know if you edit, I can change my rating.
Hey there, welcome to Writing.Com. I see you are 8 years old. It's nice to have young talent among us. It will be enjoyable to see how you progress with your writing.
This is a fine poem about frost. I like frost too. I think it can make intersting patterns on stuff.
Hello Cole, This is an inspired portrayl of a desert lightning storm. The words you chose bring vivid images to mind. The reader can experience each minute detail, right down to the spider watching with you on your leg.
I think the first part needs a little help with rhythm, but as I went along the flow of the piece was perfect.
I am kind of picky about absoulte rhyming, so the second and fourth verses bothered me a little. But that is my little quirk. The poem was wonderful.
Fixing the rhythm and the two places of rhyme would get this poem a 5 star rating from me.
Good job!!!!!
Nancy
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