This is good writing. The look and form of the poem is perfect for the content. I had to keep scrolling and waiting to find the outcome. It was almost like the search in the poem for the lover. Being the look-for-the-bright-side romantic that I am, I wanted him to find his lover. But for this type of poetry it has just the right ending.
BTW, my daughter is named Stacy and is 29 years old. Your bio kinda grabbed my eye. Mrs.H
Hello, this is Mrs.H again. This is a wonderful poem of the sea. With a little work it can be even more beautiful. I'll tell you what I think would help by listing the line and the improvement.
line 2. The word 'I' needs to be capitalized. There should not be a comma after the word 'saw' because the word Life in line three completes that phrase.
line 4. you need to remove the word 'which' and put a comma after exhaled. The word 'which'makes it an incomplete sentence. lines 4 and 5 would sound like this: The sea inhaled and exhaled,
just like the gentle sigh of waves.
line 6. the word 'breathes' should be 'breaths'
Line 7-11. when water is pulled in, it is pulled onto the sand, when it is pushed out it goes back to the sea. So you should probably change the wording around a little, my idea would be:
Life,
Pulling water onto the hot sand,
it inhaled.
Pushing it out into the sea,
it exhaled.
Exhaled follows the thought of breathing.
line 13. 'went' should be 'were'
line 14. I'm not exactly sure of your intent with this phrase, but the word 'vaguely' does not convey the correct meaning to go along with 'valuable'. Are you trying to say that life is fragile and beautiful? You don't need the comma after life.
line 16. You need a capital letter for the word 'it'.
'Ence' is not an ending for gold. Just the word gold is enough. That makes a beautiful ending for the poem.
You have beautiful thoughts. Keep working at getting them written down so we can share them. Mrs.H
What a wonderful tribute to our Savior! You said it truly; He still would have died, even if for just one person. He is worthy of our utter devotion.
The mechanics of the poem needs a little work. You have one typo in line 12 there is an 'r' instead of a 't' for the word 'but'
The rhythm bogs down a little in some of the lines. Lines 6 and 7 don't follow through with the rhyme and are too long to flow smoothly. Lines 8,9,12,19 and 21 would read easier if they each were made into two separate lines. The internal rhyming pattern doesn't match the rhyming scheme for the rest of the piece.
I also think there is some punctuation work needed.
For me this tribute would recieve a higher rating with the changes. The words used are wonderful, the thoughts expressed are inspired.
This sounds like it comes from bad experiences. I'm sorry if that is the case.
This poem flows nicely, and the rhyming is okay. There are a couple grammatical errors that would improve it.
You used the word 'their' incorrectly. That shows ownership. In this poem you need to use the contraction for they are (they're). In the third line from the end the word 'its' should be the contraction for it is (it's).
Line 7 does slow a little because of too many syllables. I think you could take out the word will. It would still say the same thing, but in a smoother manner.
You do a pretty god job mechanically, I hope you find happiness to do just as good a job with. Mrs.H
Hi, welcome to Writing.Com. I hope you find yourself right at home here.
This is a wonderful poem. You have expressed yourself very creatively.
There are two errors, but I went ahead and gave you the 4.5 stars. 1. There should be an apostrophe in the word it's. That is a contraction for 'it is'. 2. You misspelled inspiriation. OOPS, so did I. 'Inspiration' is more like it.
I especially like the third verse. The heart knows what is true. The mind thinks it to death.
Hi, this is a good poem. It contains some vivid images.
There are a few changes, mostly punctuation that might help improve the rating.
Verse 1. There should be a period after the second line. The next line starts a new thought. There should be a comma after sticky because it is the first in a series of descriptions of one word.
Verse 2. Again a period after the second line; same reason. Typo on the word crests. Semi-colon after afar.
The next line describes the first phrase. It would be better to leave the 's' off the word inwards.
Verse 3. Once more the period after the second line.
Verse 4. Period after second line. Semi-colon after leaves.
Verse 5. Semi-colon after second line.
I like the third verse. It is very poetic. Excellent in fact.
Good attempt. Lots of potential. Keep working at it. I think you will do good. Mrs.H
Good description of an evening on the lake. I have experienced the same kind of evening. It flows smoothly right to the end.
I saw one misspelled word. You typed, "Tree frogs crock". I guess you could describe their sound as 'crock' if you wanted to. (teehee) I might, just to be different.
Anyway I like the memories this poem brings to mind.
I like what you said. Positive reviews, even with suggestions for improvement, are much easier for the author to listen to.
When I check out the reviewing page, I tend to skip over scathing reviews. You are correct that negative reviews eliminate some readers. That's not fair to the author.
The mechanics of this piece are good. I didn't notice errors. It seems well thought out. Is not confusing. Follows the proper progression to the end.
Another interesting rhyme pattern. Another good poem.
You just keep polishing those skills.
I think I would like the fourth line in the second verse better if it said 'I'm plying unchartered
water(s)'. I'm not sure if you can be 'plied to' I think the word ply indicates what you are doing, not what you are. The dicitionary may say differently. That's just my understanding of the word.
It seems from your poetry,that you love the sea. As I indicated earlier, we write best about what we know and love.
There are a couple mistakes that need fixing. Just a thought, you didn't use any other punctuation, do you need the question mark after the word 'won'? In the word 'saying' you turned around the letters 'g' and 'n'.
In the next to last line the word 'god'should be capitalized.
This is a wonderful poem of praise to our Heavenly
Father and Christ the Lord. Everything you say echoes my own thoughts.
There are a couple places where a comma would help a little; between the words 'say' and 'oh'.You are pausing in the sentence to personally address the person to whom you are speaking.
The other place is at the end, between 'life' and 'forever'. You need to pause after the first part of that sentence. The last part explains how you are going to dedicate your life.
I like this poem very much. May I print it and put it where I can read it every now and then.
I haven't looked up all the words yet, but this sounds exquisite. The words I do know are good words. So, it makes me glad I'm a woman. At least until I look up the words, thanks for such a glowing description of a woman. I hope I can live up to the standard set forth here.
Hello, This is pretty good. You've followed 'The Raven' quite closely in form. The rhyming is good also.
I like that you used a 'dark' writers poetry as a pattern for something more lighthearted. This shows that all types, poetry and people can exist side by side.
Good job! Mrs.H My review has been submitted for consideration in"Good Deeds Go Noticed"
You have described writing poetry perfectly using good rhyming and good rhythm. Both this poem and your ode to coffee describe to the letter the subject about which they were written. I especially like the line;"We are poems; we must come out!"
Your writings prove the phrase, the power of the written word.
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