In some places this has a great rhyming scheme or pattern, while in others it seems to be wanting to be free verse. My opinion (for what it's worth) is to make it either one or the other but not both at the same time. I see a great potential for a strictly rhyming format in this. One misspelled word (and yes I realize it was just a typo, but thought you might not have noticed it and would want to fix it) Gonna make you work to find it. This is good as it is, yet I'd like to see what you could do with it as simply free verse or/and simply rhyme. Please don't send a nasty reply, as is usual when one gives an honest review. I consider this to be a complimentary review overall ( if I didn't I would have sent it anonymously which is what I do now with poor writings)
You write well, yet awkwardly. this work seems to not flow smoothly. "I don't think I should care no more" is just plain wrong. Better would have been " I think that I should care no more. " This is meant in a caring, honest and hopefully helpful manner, so please don't take offense, and simply ignore it if you do. David O
Good descriptions and memory invoking phrases. Well done, with one minor exception; Lightning spelled incorrectly, and I believe that was probably done in haste (which is a fault of mine also). You did very well what I try to do in all of my works and that is to conjure up memories in the reader's mind. If we can bring a tear to one's eye or cause a guffaw to burst forth then we've done a good job!
Your abab rhyming pattern is done so well in the all of the stanzas yet seems to be lost in the third. Perhaps something along the lines of:
First swords, then guns, now bombs,
Virus and disease took wing
First man killed man, then man killed men,
Now man will kill eveyrthing
I'm sure you will find something better of your own, than my hurried example.
In the last stanza "They hymn their damning tune," Hymn used as a verb rather than a noun sounds forced or awkward. Better might be:
Their hymn, their damning tune
All just my honest, well intentioned opinions. Consider them or toss them as you wish. David O
Free verse is to me is very hard to write and therefore even harder to review, but you seem to have a good handle on it. The only fault with it that I could find is in the spelling of two words: plaugue (plague) and existance (existence) both of which could be a result of failure to proof-read or perhaps a bit of haste to post. Please take any review of mine in the well intentioned manner in which it's proffered. David O
Ignore anything I say that you don't like, since these are only suggestions and hopefully you will consider them. The sentence "The terrain was a vivid hue of greens and blues" sounds a bit off. Perhaps "A palette of vivid greens and blues" or " The terrain was lit in vivid hues of green and blue. The singular 'hue' doesn't seem to go with well the plural 'greens and blues'.
Also the sentence "The skies so gentle and harmonious permeated with dark grey smoke and ash" might be better stated 'The skies so peaceful (as opposed to gentle) and harmonious became permeated (as opposed to simply permeated) with dark grey smoke and ash.
Also the sentence 'thunder crackle in the distance, but the sound drew closer and closer might be, 'Thunder crackle in the distance (while) the sound drew closer and closer. Just suggestions, at least give them a little thought. Really pretty darn good overall. I liked it. keep it up
Another well done effort! Absolutely nothing wrong here and everything right. With your considerable talent, I'm wondering if you ever consider adding a bit of alliteration to your poetry as it seems well suited to it? Again, a refreshingly good bit of work.
Right on! I don't give reviews any more to poor work, but I will rate no matter what, in the belief that a low rating speaks (or should speak) volumes about the Quality of the work.
I'm guessing that you are a novice writer, and a young one at that. This is meant in the most friendly, respectful and constructive manner, so if this review make you feel angry or offended in any way, please don't bother to send me a disrespectful reply. Since you are awarding points for replies I can only assume that you want honest, helpful and truthful replies, so here goes. Your writing is riddled with spelling, punctuation and tense errors and I mean a lot of them. So, to make your writing better, you might want to concentrate on those areas. Have someone you know ( a parent or someone you know to be well read and knowledgeable in grammar read it and highlight the spots where you need to make changes. Also you could have someone read it aloud to you and I think you'll see some of the areas that need some work. The points are not important to me as I don't even know what they're good for so I didn't review this for that reason. The awarding of points usually means (to me at least) that one wants someone to give an honest, impersonal appraisal to their work and I hope that's true in your case. Keep writing!
There's an awful lot of onomatopoeia here, which is the use of words in imitations of natural sounds such as: "bang bang! or "bam powie". My professor in creative writing and my creative writers handbook both strongly suggest one avoid the use of this in ones' writing and you rarely see it used.
But, on the plus side, I liked everything else about the poem. A good idea, constructed and executed well. except for the above It was really well done!
Take these Phrases by themselves: painful twas-still walked I do-on the grass was dew-did I say-more cue?-field did sway-
Do they really sound right? Perhaps I'm wrong (and often am), but I would try to avoid this kind of phrasing as it sounds forced and amateurish.
Please take these comments in the most friendly and well-intentioned way as I'm not trying to be mean or disrespectful. (in other words don't reply to this review unless your reply is friendly and respectful also.
Very good! The rhythm and flow are nicely done, but what I like best about it is that it is not empty and vacuous. It's a poem that stirs emotion and makes one feel something, and to me that's what poetry is all about: stirring emotions. Keep up the good work!
This is meant in the most friendly and hopefully, helpful manner,so disregard anything you don't like.
In your first sentence- the "your" should be "you are," or "you're"
Third sentence and there's that "your" again
Fourth sentence sounds awkward, maybe should be "something is" or "something's burning
Fifth sentence -"is to strong" should be "is too strong
Sixth sentence- the "your"is right!!! and the same for the "your" in the seventh!!
Remember this is well intentioned and not mean spirited in any way. Keep writing! (just watch out for those pesky "yours and to's"
With all the 1st place awards and the strictly structured form I feel almost guilty in finding this poem form (not the poem itself) to lack a pleasant rhythm or grace. It simply does not fall trippingly from one's tongue. I guess I'm really not a fan of the Nove Otto form and this certainly does not reflect on the poet or the poem itself as the numerous 1st place awards attest to the obvious skill of the poet. This is in no way a slam on this poem but is meant to explain why I personally found it to be, not excellent, but almost excellent, and obviously I'm in the minority.
Don't even think of submitting this to a publisher until you fix all the spelling errors. It'll get tossed as soon as he sees the errors in the first few paragraphs. Use spell checker and also use some friends to read and find the mistakes. (make sure the friends can spell really well and don't hesitate to use the dictionary if there's any doubt about the spelling of a word). Also I think it will take someone who is gay also, to give you a truly proper review. Fix the spelling and bring it back.
untangle instead of detangle/malleable instead of mallible. use your dictionary! I have made straight A's in creative writing courses and still have to check my dictionary often for correct meanings and spellings. Good job otherwise. Keep at it!
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