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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/davidwhalen/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
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318 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Coyote, This one requires reading several times to get the feel of it, but is worth the effort! I especially liked this one because of the true poetic feel that it possesses. A lot of people are good writers (most of them are in this month of June) but only a rare few (to me) have the ability to write "Poetically" and you are one of the few. Thanks for posting.
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is very well written with exception of a few awkward breaks in rhythm: line 3 of verse 2: "you betray no rancor your" Doesn't have the nice flow that is in all the other lines.
and last line of verse 4: while technically correct seems awkward, and also lacks the nice flow that is so well done in this piece.
Minor changes to these two lines would easily give this a 5 rating
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like pretty much everything about this Moon. The five lines per stanza make it a little hard to get the rhythm right, but I think Johnny Cash would be the man to make it work real well!! Great job!!
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Review of La' Guillotine  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well written, conceived, and (excuse the pun) executed. The rhyme flows smoothly even given the wordiness of the poem. It is a bit of a downer, and is a bit long for readers with a short attention span, but that is their loss. Well done and deserves a 5!
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (5.0)
excellent now! A 5
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Nicely done. Flows well, rhyme is not forced, trips easily off one's tongue. Only someone witha few decades behind them (like you and me) can reminisce so eloquently! Correct the spelling of "laughing" in the fourth verse and I change my rating to a solid 5! (remember me? It's "dictionary man!")
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (4.5)
Firstly, this is well written and conceived, but the seven syllable format makes it a bit stilted in places. For example: fifth verse, "without wiping a tear mine"
Better might be written "Not wiping a tear of mine" which keeps the format but reads smoother. Also in the same verse rhyming "cryin" with "mine" sounds a bit forced. "Crying" sounds like a better choice to me for the best rhyme. Same thing in the sixth verse: "I sat there sobbing through night". Stilted again! Better might be "I sat sobbing through the night," again preserving the format and making it flow more smoothly! These are just my own preferences, so don't take them seriously if you don't wish to. They're suggested with the best of intentions and if you can succeed in smoothing this out a bit using your own devices or whatever, I would certainly rate this a 5!
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Review of Eclipse  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well done! I would have given it a five had the first verse had four lines like the last two. Add two more lines to the first verse and you've got a great poem instead of just a really good one.
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Review of MAD COW DISEASE?  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well written! Humorous and narrative at the same time. It rhymes nicely and has good meter and it's different from most other postings. I liked your patois also. (and I don't say that to just anybody!)
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am a Kentuckian from Fleming county which went totally to the southern side during the war. I agree with your sentiments throughout and liked the rhyme very much also. But, it seemed as if it couldn't make up it's mind whether to be an essay (albeit a very good one) or a poem. I would like to see it written in stanza form throughout as in the last final stanza. But that's a minor and inconsequential nitpick on my part. Feel free to ignore it.(and if you're a true Johnny Reb I'm sure you will!) Long live the south and may it rise again!( without the slave thing of course). Good job ODV David'o
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Review of The Book  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellently done! You did everything that I think is necessary to have a truly complete poem. You have a theme that is understandable and common to all writers and you expounded on it very well. Your rhyming scheme flowed nicely and was smooth and not in the least bit forced. I am personally disposed to rhyme and like to think I'm very good at it also, but you surely impressed me with this piece. It's way above average for this site. Technical side without flaws also. All good (way good!) Nice to see some skill displayed on these pages for once. David'O
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great! Well done! It's a truth and a shame that most of your readers won't really comprehend what this person (and some millions of others) went through. But I do.
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Flory you did a great job! This came across as very real and believable subject-wise. Also good on the mechanical side: grammar, spelling etc. Only one discordant sound in the whole piece and that was with the keys rumbling. (jingling, tinkling, rattling maybe better?)
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
'Even less than his soul-he had put to words.' This line seems a bit awkward and hard to cipher, and why the 'dash'?
By taking a little poetic license your great alliteration in the line 'Blonds ebonies and brunettes, all bashful beauties', could have read (with even more alliteration and the aforementioned poetic license) 'black, blond and brunettes, all being bashful beauties'
These are just casual observations of my own and aren't meant to imply criticisms, as I actually really like this piece and think it's very well written. Please don't take offense and send me a nasty reply. these are just idle thoughts and my rating shows how much I appreciated it.
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Review of Fool's Epiphany  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (4.5)
I would change the line: full of pain, sorrow and strife. It describes your previous life, yet in the previous line you're embracing your new life and the new line should (or could) read: empty of pain, sorrow and strife, which better describes the new life you're embracing.
also in the second stanza, the word dieing is misspelled , should be dying.
Other than these few nit-picks I see nothing wrong and everything right. The flow is nice. The rhyme is not forced, and it's intelligently written overall.
Well above the usual! Write on!
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Review of It used to matter  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
In some places this has a great rhyming scheme or pattern, while in others it seems to be wanting to be free verse. My opinion (for what it's worth) is to make it either one or the other but not both at the same time. I see a great potential for a strictly rhyming format in this. One misspelled word (and yes I realize it was just a typo, but thought you might not have noticed it and would want to fix it) Gonna make you work to find it. This is good as it is, yet I'd like to see what you could do with it as simply free verse or/and simply rhyme. Please don't send a nasty reply, as is usual when one gives an honest review. I consider this to be a complimentary review overall ( if I didn't I would have sent it anonymously which is what I do now with poor writings)
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You write well, yet awkwardly. this work seems to not flow smoothly. "I don't think I should care no more" is just plain wrong. Better would have been " I think that I should care no more. " This is meant in a caring, honest and hopefully helpful manner, so please don't take offense, and simply ignore it if you do. David O
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Review of Song of Tehran  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (5.0)
excellently done! Needs nothing. Nothing to critique.
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Review of FIREWORKS  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good descriptions and memory invoking phrases. Well done, with one minor exception; Lightning spelled incorrectly, and I believe that was probably done in haste (which is a fault of mine also). You did very well what I try to do in all of my works and that is to conjure up memories in the reader's mind. If we can bring a tear to one's eye or cause a guffaw to burst forth then we've done a good job!
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Please take this in the well intentioned manner in which it's proffered. I only read perhaps ten or twelve sentences before realizing that there were many places in just these first few sentences that you might want called to your attention. Firstly: The clouds were approaching in (should be 'on' ) the horizon. And I think you wanted to say a "torrent of rain," rather than "torrid of rain." "Were was she?" should be, "Where was she?. Your story is formatted like a free verse poem, while in reality it's a story and seems as if it would be better formatted as such, with paragraphs and indentations, in other word in proper story form. Again I only read a bit of this and figured I'd better stop and see what kind of reaction my critique was going to cause you to have. Again I must say that this is in all friendliness and with complete honesty. Please ignore some or all if you feel the need, but if you wish me to, I will continue to read and critique further. Reading only the first part of this story shows me you have as much, or more ability than most on this site. Write on! (just maybe proof-read a bit more)
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your abab rhyming pattern is done so well in the all of the stanzas yet seems to be lost in the third. Perhaps something along the lines of:
First swords, then guns, now bombs,
Virus and disease took wing
First man killed man, then man killed men,
Now man will kill eveyrthing
I'm sure you will find something better of your own, than my hurried example.
In the last stanza "They hymn their damning tune," Hymn used as a verb rather than a noun sounds forced or awkward. Better might be:
Their hymn, their damning tune
All just my honest, well intentioned opinions. Consider them or toss them as you wish. David O
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Review of Solitude  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (4.5)
Free verse is to me is very hard to write and therefore even harder to review, but you seem to have a good handle on it. The only fault with it that I could find is in the spelling of two words: plaugue (plague) and existance (existence) both of which could be a result of failure to proof-read or perhaps a bit of haste to post. Please take any review of mine in the well intentioned manner in which it's proffered. David O
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Review of Dream Sequence  
Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ignore anything I say that you don't like, since these are only suggestions and hopefully you will consider them. The sentence "The terrain was a vivid hue of greens and blues" sounds a bit off. Perhaps "A palette of vivid greens and blues" or " The terrain was lit in vivid hues of green and blue. The singular 'hue' doesn't seem to go with well the plural 'greens and blues'.
Also the sentence "The skies so gentle and harmonious permeated with dark grey smoke and ash" might be better stated 'The skies so peaceful (as opposed to gentle) and harmonious became permeated (as opposed to simply permeated) with dark grey smoke and ash.
Also the sentence 'thunder crackle in the distance, but the sound drew closer and closer might be, 'Thunder crackle in the distance (while) the sound drew closer and closer. Just suggestions, at least give them a little thought. Really pretty darn good overall. I liked it. keep it up
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: E | (5.0)
Another well done effort! Absolutely nothing wrong here and everything right. With your considerable talent, I'm wondering if you ever consider adding a bit of alliteration to your poetry as it seems well suited to it? Again, a refreshingly good bit of work.
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Review by David O'Hao...
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Right on! I don't give reviews any more to poor work, but I will rate no matter what, in the belief that a low rating speaks (or should speak) volumes about the Quality of the work.
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