John, I think you might be an ol' dude like me, judging from the tone that only time, age and experience can bring to one's writing. Rhyme is my preferred medium, so I'm not a great judge of free verse, but I like the laid-back attitude expressed in this one. You make me feel a kinship to you and I respect your ability to do that. Well done my man!
Excellent poem in all manner. The rhyme is far superior to what is usual on most poetry sites. The rhythm also is far above the norm. Incorporating all those poet's names had to require a lot of thought and to make them all fit logically is certainly no small feat. The only thing I didn't like was the extreme length of it, though that's probably a shortcoming on my part and not yours, since I have a very short attention span. Good luck in the contest DR. I'm sure this is going to be a serious contender. You do good work!
Very clever idea Lars, making the words of the title be the lead-in for each verse. Rhyme is good, concept is novel, All good here, not a thing to fault. Well done!
A very clever and well written, nicely rhymed bit of work! You ought to send some of your stuff down to Nashville. (really!!) I think you have an innate talent for writing country lyrics! The only thing I can find to grumble with is, you left out my personal favorite "George Jones". (and you left out pickup trucks, freight trains, hound dogs, fishing, Momma gettin' outta jail and watermelon wine). Only kiddin' Sue! Great job!
Very touching write Greg, while at the same time having all the required elements of a good poem. Rhyme, rhythm and emotion, all there in good measure. Nice (and refreshing) to read competent writing.
very nicely written indeed Fairport! All the requisites of poetry fulfilled in this nicely rhymed and naturally flowing poem. Obviously you are an accomplished and talented poet. (and I like poems about ghosts, especially around Halloween). Thanks for posting!
A great write Countrymom! I truly know your feelings, sad to say. I lost my youngest daughter on her 16 birthday. I guess she was fortunate (if a death at age 16 could in any way be fortunate): in that it was unexpected and quick. So I truly know your feelings, as a large part of me died that day. Enough self pity!! A great write, and a bittersweet, but sensitive piece of poetry by an accomplished writer. I take solace in the belief that nothing truly ends and that one door closing only causes another to open. My sincere sympathies.
A great write Man B, I am very partial to rhyme and you do it very well! I especially liked the line "not determined by fate, not read in the stars." Nice for a change to read a poet who knows how to spell, punctuate and rhyme, Way to go!
Lin this was great! The fourth stanza gave me a bit of trouble as far as rhythmn, but I think I just need some time to read it just right! Even though one verse gave me a tussle (probably my fault!) everything is as it should be, the rhyme is great, rhythm is nice, the feel of the poem conveyed well, so I'm giving this a 5. Nice to see a well written traditional poem! Thanks for posting.
You Jaiam, are indeed a serious and gifted poet, and I am an old dyed-in-the-wool traditional rhyming poet! But I still know and recognize good writing when I see it, even if it is outside my genre. I usually don't continue reading a poem unless the first verse or first few lines grab and keep my attention. This kept me reading eagerly all the way through! I'm not really qualified to judge free verse, but to me this seemed excellently done! Nothing to improve on!
I really liked this! Everything was in it's place, rhyme was good (not forced), nice flow, sweet sentiments, and an unbroken theme from beginning to end. A plus being the good punctuation and spelling. (something that more than a few poets seem to feel is not necessary any more) And like you, I like a few good old fashioned "whences, flo'rs and such in poems, as they make poetry seem more poetic!
Coyote, This one requires reading several times to get the feel of it, but is worth the effort! I especially liked this one because of the true poetic feel that it possesses. A lot of people are good writers (most of them are in this month of June) but only a rare few (to me) have the ability to write "Poetically" and you are one of the few. Thanks for posting.
This is very well written with exception of a few awkward breaks in rhythm: line 3 of verse 2: "you betray no rancor your" Doesn't have the nice flow that is in all the other lines.
and last line of verse 4: while technically correct seems awkward, and also lacks the nice flow that is so well done in this piece.
Minor changes to these two lines would easily give this a 5 rating
I like pretty much everything about this Moon. The five lines per stanza make it a little hard to get the rhythm right, but I think Johnny Cash would be the man to make it work real well!! Great job!!
Well written, conceived, and (excuse the pun) executed. The rhyme flows smoothly even given the wordiness of the poem. It is a bit of a downer, and is a bit long for readers with a short attention span, but that is their loss. Well done and deserves a 5!
Nicely done. Flows well, rhyme is not forced, trips easily off one's tongue. Only someone witha few decades behind them (like you and me) can reminisce so eloquently! Correct the spelling of "laughing" in the fourth verse and I change my rating to a solid 5! (remember me? It's "dictionary man!")
Firstly, this is well written and conceived, but the seven syllable format makes it a bit stilted in places. For example: fifth verse, "without wiping a tear mine"
Better might be written "Not wiping a tear of mine" which keeps the format but reads smoother. Also in the same verse rhyming "cryin" with "mine" sounds a bit forced. "Crying" sounds like a better choice to me for the best rhyme. Same thing in the sixth verse: "I sat there sobbing through night". Stilted again! Better might be "I sat sobbing through the night," again preserving the format and making it flow more smoothly! These are just my own preferences, so don't take them seriously if you don't wish to. They're suggested with the best of intentions and if you can succeed in smoothing this out a bit using your own devices or whatever, I would certainly rate this a 5!
Well done! I would have given it a five had the first verse had four lines like the last two. Add two more lines to the first verse and you've got a great poem instead of just a really good one.
Well written! Humorous and narrative at the same time. It rhymes nicely and has good meter and it's different from most other postings. I liked your patois also. (and I don't say that to just anybody!)
I am a Kentuckian from Fleming county which went totally to the southern side during the war. I agree with your sentiments throughout and liked the rhyme very much also. But, it seemed as if it couldn't make up it's mind whether to be an essay (albeit a very good one) or a poem. I would like to see it written in stanza form throughout as in the last final stanza. But that's a minor and inconsequential nitpick on my part. Feel free to ignore it.(and if you're a true Johnny Reb I'm sure you will!) Long live the south and may it rise again!( without the slave thing of course). Good job ODV David'o
Excellently done! You did everything that I think is necessary to have a truly complete poem. You have a theme that is understandable and common to all writers and you expounded on it very well. Your rhyming scheme flowed nicely and was smooth and not in the least bit forced. I am personally disposed to rhyme and like to think I'm very good at it also, but you surely impressed me with this piece. It's way above average for this site. Technical side without flaws also. All good (way good!) Nice to see some skill displayed on these pages for once. David'O
Great! Well done! It's a truth and a shame that most of your readers won't really comprehend what this person (and some millions of others) went through. But I do.
'Even less than his soul-he had put to words.' This line seems a bit awkward and hard to cipher, and why the 'dash'?
By taking a little poetic license your great alliteration in the line 'Blonds ebonies and brunettes, all bashful beauties', could have read (with even more alliteration and the aforementioned poetic license) 'black, blond and brunettes, all being bashful beauties'
These are just casual observations of my own and aren't meant to imply criticisms, as I actually really like this piece and think it's very well written. Please don't take offense and send me a nasty reply. these are just idle thoughts and my rating shows how much I appreciated it.
I would change the line: full of pain, sorrow and strife. It describes your previous life, yet in the previous line you're embracing your new life and the new line should (or could) read: empty of pain, sorrow and strife, which better describes the new life you're embracing.
also in the second stanza, the word dieing is misspelled , should be dying.
Other than these few nit-picks I see nothing wrong and everything right. The flow is nice. The rhyme is not forced, and it's intelligently written overall.
Well above the usual! Write on!
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