*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/djokolot/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: ON
351 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am honest and respectful, and try to be as diplomatic as possible when I review a piece of writing. I use a template to cover most writing elements, as well as giving you my personal thoughts and feelings about it. I rate fair and equal to the review I give, but I only give a rating of 5 if the piece is perfect, in my opinion.
Favorite Genres
Mystery, adventure, paranormal, historical, disaster/survival, political, detective, young adult, animal, folklore, comedy, inspirational, nature, romance, and fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, psychological, gangster, western, steampunk
Favorite Item Types
Flash fiction, short stories, blogs, chapters of novels, and essays.
Least Favorite Item Types
Articles, non-fiction
I will not review...
Technological, erotica, gay/lesbian, whole novels or novellas all at one time.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 ... Next
126
126
Review of Legal Tender  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I can totally and completely relate to this! I think it's five-star. I am just learning poetry, so I have to say, my rating is based on my viewpoints (and yours), and they seem to be very much aligned with each other.

The poetic structure is more free verse than a set form, and I like that. It moves quickly, keeps your mind on the subject at hand, (us being swindled by the Fed), and the tone is alarming. You've got that "Wake Up and Listen" tone throughout the poem, and that's a very good thing for a message such as this one. Your rhyme scheme varies and I found that interesting. I like this style very well.

Keep writing InfoWarrior! I'll check out the rest of your poems as I have some time.

If you get a chance, drop by my Poetry folder and read "A Patriot's Lament." I believe you'll enjoy reading it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
127
127
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hello EA! I'm Dee, a member of the Newbies Academy.

*StarY* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarY*

I found your story in the Read & Review area of the menu and thought I'd give it a read. I love flash fiction.

*StarY* MY THOUGHTS *StarY*

My First Impression was this piece of flash fiction will make a really great scene in a larger story, if that is something you decide to do with it. I thought you built up the Tension and the Suspense very well by using the clock to show the intensity of the situation and the "countdown" as John searched the house. Also, not telling the reader what he was searching for until the end (when he finds the knife) kept the suspense going, and certainly my interest up as we read along. Good job!

The Plot and Story line is obvious as we see John sneaking into his neighbor's house, although we don't know what John suspects, until he locates the knife. Again, good work with these techniques.


*StarY* SUGGESTIONS *StarY*

Grammer looked fine, no distractions, but I did notice a missing comma after the bits of dialogue. Other than that, you're good to go.

*StarY* FINAL COMMENTS *StarY*

My only structure suggestion would be that several sentences are really long, such as this sentence: He left the room and was heading for the back door when the front door began to open, instantly he froze, becoming paralyzed as his neighbor walked in. As a reader, I think it might read with more intensity if you broke some of the longer sentences into two, interspersing a few shorter sentences in with the long ones, but that's just something I prefer when reading a thriller. It's a really great scene!

                              Invalid Photo #1044919
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.
                             *TackG* Remember, a review is only one person's opinion, and you know your story best, no matter what that opinion might be.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
128
128
Review of The way to spring  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

Hello Apollo13! I'm Dee, a member of the WDC Power Reviewers.

*StarY* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarY*

I found your story in our Power Reviewer Raid List.

*StarY* MY THOUGHTS *StarY*

Something about this Title resonated with me! Anything with the inference of "direction" is always going to get my curiosity peaked. It is an excellent title, because it tells the tale, without telling us the story! Now, that's an excellent device to reel in your reader!

I enjoyed reading the adventure of your Characters Loshadka and Jozhik. They were interesting, fun to "ride" along with, and intelligent. I liked the fact that they were not the type of animals that are typically coupled together in a story, and they seem to be friends, not just along on the same journey. We don't know where they are coming from, other than "from winter," but I don't think this detracted from the story in any way. I looked forward to each step they took and each clue they found. The idea of the yellow flowers being the "road sign" toward spring, was lovely and another good way to keep up our interest, and a beautiful plot detail.

The Plot is apparent from their journey, and through their Dialogue in that they are "looking for Spring" as they trudge through the snow and all the obstacles.


*StarY* FINAL COMMENTS *StarY*

This is a sweet story and I thoroughly enjoyed the read. I think if there is one thing I might suggest, it's that the only thing I felt was missing was real conflict. You did have the obstacle of "finding spring," and "crossing the river," but it seemed a bit too easy (Loshadka and Jozhik finding the flower by the water so quickly). It was a very good story, but I think if they had a bit more "to lose" on their part it would have made it even more satisfying to me.

Image #2081148 over display limit. -?-

* A review is only one person's opinion, and you know your story best no matter what that opinion might be. *


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
129
129
Review of Mowing Blues  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

Hello Kings! I'm Dee, a member of the WDC Power Reviewers.

*StarY* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarY*

I found your poem in our Power Reviewers Raid List.

*StarY* MY THOUGHTS *StarY*

Obviously, this poem is about mowing the grass. I enjoyed how you showed something universal to anyone with a home or a lawn, as the speaker is, and how this task becomes a monumental decision. It seems that the speaker is happy about having the lawn, just not happy with the amount of work involved with it. The tone seems to be one of indecision and even a bit of dread about the doing the mowing.

This seems to be a Clerihew poem. This would be a four lined, whimsical poem, with the AA, BB rhyme scheme to it. And I believe this style of poem suits the subject and tone you intended it to be. Very nicely done, and fun to read and relate to! It appears to not only be whimsical, but perplexing as well, which comes from the speaker's indecision, but basically there is a happy mood to it.

Unlike many poems, this one begins with a question that sets up the topic of the poem, followed by a statement about the height of the grass. It proceeds to tell us the speaker's thoughts about not having considered the amount of mowing that would be involved when he moved there. The speakers mood changes to a happier one when he thinks about how much he likes having it, despite the mowing that must be done all the time to keep up with it.

There is limited use of alliteration with only two I noticed, but there are a few examples such as grass/grow and window/what. The strength of this poem seems to be the use of the rhyming scheme, which makes the poem flow easily, whimsically, and simple to comprehend.


*StarY* FINAL COMMENTS *StarY*

Since I don't have very much knowledge in poetry, I cannot comment on all technical aspects, but I can sat this poem was pleasant to read, nicely written and used a few different poetic devices.

I enjoyed it and even got a little laugh out of it as well! Good job.


Image #2081148 over display limit. -?-

* Always remember, a review is only one person's opinion, and you know your story best, no matter what that opinion might be. *


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
130
130
Review of Garden gnome  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

Hello Jessicaaa! I'm Dee, a member of the WDC Power Reviewers.

*StarY* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarY*

I found your story in our Power Reviewer Raid List. I saw your story and gave it a read.

*StarY* MY THOUGHTS *StarY*

Your Plot had a very good beginning to it. The package, the stamps on it, and the mystery of not knowing who sent it, all made it a good start to a story that kept me reading. Your Character, Miss J Williams, was not defined in any way, other than being the main character of the story, but for me, I found that she still worked as a character in this short piece. You told us her name as part of the plot, and that was a good use of device. The story itself is interesting because of the plot you hint at.

My Favorite Part is when she sees the gnome has moved and her vision turns red, inferring that the gnome has somehow got extraordinary powers. But the story doesn't feel finished. Actually, it feels as if it is just the beginning to set the scene and the problem, rather than being the end. In other words, it didn't seem to have a complete beginning, middle and end to it.


*StarY* FINAL COMMENTS *StarY*

I really liked how you began this tale! It has such great possibilities. However, it doesn't feel like a complete story yet. I think you have your beginning set up very nicely, but by the end of it, I have more questions than answers, like, who sent the gnome or did he send himself? Why was the gnome send to her? What happened after her vision glowed all red? More questions kept filling my mind. A reader won't feel satisfied unless they know the answers to their questions.

Remember, even flash fiction needs all the same elements as a short story. Keep writing, because this has the makings of a five star story!

Image #2081148 over display limit. -?-

* Always remember, a review is only one person's opinion, and you know your story best, no matter what that opinion might be. *


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
131
131
Review of Mower Wins by TKO  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers

Hi Mikey. I'm Dee, a member of the WDC Power Reviewers.

*StarY* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarY*

I found your story in our Power Raid List of stories to review.

*StarY* MY THOUGHTS *StarY*

First, the Title of your story told the reader it would probably be a funny tale, and it was. Because this is a flash fiction piece, and probably a 300 word limit, I would say you've done very well with the limited Plot and Chatacterization you were able to explore and execute. It was also a well done piece because you had a definite beginning, middle, and end to it, while leaving the reader laughing. We didn't know much about Mikey and Skip, other than they are friends and co-workers, but we didn't need to know more details for this piece to succeed, which it did.

Your Puntuation and Grammar is pretty much spot on. I saw nothing that distracted the eye.

I think the only suggestion I have would be maybe moving this line: The snake had avoided the blades and had curled up right there." after Skip asks about the how Mikey got the shiner. The reason I say that, is because when Mikey tells how it happened, that dialogue is a bit long. Breaking it up to read more natural, and less "speech-like" might make the conversation sound like it flows a bit more naturally. But that's just an opinion, it's still very good the way it's written.

*StarY* FINAL COMMENTS *StarY*

You've shown you can have a good, solid story using few devices and limited room to tell it. Very good work for under 300 words!

Image #2081148 over display limit. -?-

* Always remember, a review is only one person's opinion, and you know your story best, no matter what that opinion might be. *


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
132
132
Review of City Affair  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hello blanip! I'm Dee, a member of the Newbies Academy.

*StarY* How I Found You *StarY*

I found you in the "Please Read and Review" area. I love flash fiction, so here I am.

*StarY* My Opinion *StarY*

I think this is a very well done piece of flash fiction. I don't know what your contest parameters were, but it had a beginning, middle and conclusion to the story, so the Plot elements seem to be fulfilled. I liked several things about this story, such as these "burnings" that were mentioned in the very first line. Nice job. I kept wondering what burnings? Forests? Homes? People? You certainly got the interest going right from the start, and that's really important in flash fiction.

You told us the "Time" of the Setting, by explaining how Gina was the last who could drive those cars without autopilot and the comment about rusting at the edge of town. Another good technique used to show your story, rather than just tell it.

You showed us a little about Gina by inferring that they continually chased after Gina, since she was unpunishable. She continued to resist the punishments. This tells us your story is in the future and people are being controlled. (Sounds a bit like today's politics! ;)

Interesting that your Character thinks poorly of small towns, yet she flees to them...or was it her mother who thought badly of small towns? It was not totally clear from the sentence you used. Either way, that's different. Usually, it is the city that is referred to in negative ways.

No Dialogue to speak of, so I cannot say much here. But Gina's inner dialogue was solid and worked well for such a short piece.


*StarY* My Suggestions *StarY*

I suppose the only thing I would have liked to know is why were they burning people? Or flesh? And why was Gina being punished over and over? She didn't follow the rules, but we don't know what rules she broke. Made me curious about it.

*StarY* My Final Thoughts *StarY*

I liked this piece very much! This type of writing is what I like to call "faction." Real scenarios regarding laws or about society much like today or our future, written within a fiction story." Good work.


                              Invalid Photo #1044919
                             *TackR* Thank you for sharing your story.
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
133
133
Review of The New Recruit  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


Hello Shaara. I'm Dee, a new member with the WDC Power Reviewers.

*StarY* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarY*

I found your story in the "Read and Review" area. Your description line was well written! It told me that even though vampire stories aren't usually my type of reading, I had to read this one!

*StarY* MY THOUGHTS *StarY*

I have to admit, I thought your story would be like many of the vampire stories I've read in the past, but I was delighted to see how you managed to entertain even people like myself that do not often read this genre. My First Impression was that this story is not only well written, it's humorous with many comedic moments, along with many of the occult elements that this genre is known for. The use of first person worked perfectly. It needed the intimacy of a first person narrator for this to be as humorous as it was.

The Plot and Story line is original, that's for sure! I always like to let writers know when I see something truly original, because it is very difficult today to create something never seen or read before. So, very nice work with the originality and especially with the ability to make me laugh. And I did indeed laugh! You were right...Kyle really aggravated the Count "to death," literally! I loved it!

All the necessary elements were here, the Characters, the Dialogue, and the Setting. I found Kyle to be an excellent character. He was funny, a smart Alec and very annoying. The Count was dry, drole and although a bit of a stereotype, he was the perfect character to be Kyle's mentor. The Dialogue was wonderful! There's no confusion as to who is speaking, and their language is not only appropriate, but exactly the right verbiage for the characters to fulfill their role in the story. In other words, Kyle "sounds" like a punk! Perfect! As far as the Setting is concerned, we know they are in a populated city, but that is really all we know.


*StarY* FINAL THOUGHTS *StarY*

Although we don't know any more about Kyle, other than he has brown eyes and that he talks too much, we don't need more for your story to work. I throughly enjoyed it. Good work with the humor aspect, as humor is a difficult genre or element to pull off.


                   *Tackr* Thank you for sharing your work.
                   *Tackr* The best way to thank me for the review is to review something in my portfolio.


                             Dee

                    Dee's April 2016 Spotlight Award Image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
134
134
Review of The Picnic  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hello Pumpkin! I'm Dee, a member of the Newbies Academy.

*StarY* How I Found You *StarY*

I found your story in the "Read and Review" area. The photo of the horse caught my eye, so here I am.

*StarY* My Opinion *StarY*

I liked the Title of your chapter, The Picnic. It's simple and tells us what activity to expect during the story. I wasn't sure what the Plot would entail, but your writing started off light and airy and very "western" in nature, and that kept me reading. I enjoyed how the story made me feel, as though I knew the characters through their conversation and Dialogue. Sam's Character came through as a man with a laid back style of speaking with that Northwestern rancher personality. Diane reminded me of a very sweet individual and very much the romantic.

Once the plot progressed, I found that it began to increase in its seriousness and its intensity, from the discussion of the picnic to the reason for Sam's non-committal toward Diane. Although your Descriptions were good and the Setting of Medicine Bow, Wyoming evoked all the right images and landscapes in my mind, the story might benefit from a few more details. I couldn't envision Diane's home or kitchen. I could smell the food, and see it, but I couldn't get a visual about the surroundings or about what Diane looked like without a few specific details. It's an excellent chapter, and it made me wonder about the rest of the story. I just would have liked to know a bit more about the characters themselves.

The Pacing and Flow were interesting. A few times the pacing felt a bit rushed, as though the passage could use a little breather and perhaps just a few more details interjected with the dialogue since a good portion of the chapter was dialogue. Then, as the story progressed, the pacing became "just right" again. It was an easy flow, with no sharp jolts from paragraph to paragraph.


*StarY* My Suggestions *StarY*

Not knowing the "whole story line," I can say it is a beautiful story with lots of possibilities, especially if you are planning to turn this into a longer work. I saw no Punctuation or Grammatical problems. The only correction would be to add a capital "T" to make the word "They"--> hey both looked down the hill.

*StarY* My Final Thoughts *StarY*

I enjoyed this story. The chapter sets the stage for a great romance between your characters. I hope we'll see more from you on this one.

                              Invalid Photo #1044919
                             *TackR* Thank you for sharing your story.
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
135
135
Review by Dee
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Cinn,

You know how I feel about the NRC. They rock and have a special place in my heart!!
Here's a donation to help.
136
136
Review of Dreamcatcher  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


Hello Arakun. I'm Dee, a newbie here on WDC. I really enjoyed visiting your port. It's quite diverse!

*StarY* How I Found You *StarY*

I found this piece of flash fiction as I was searching for a few authors to read, when I came upon your name.

*StarY* My Thoughts *StarY*

Your story "Dreamcatcher," is an exceptional piece of short fiction! I never truly appreciated the category until I began to read wonderful stories such as this one! The descriptions of all the demons caught in the Dreamcatcher were quite vivid and exciting to the eyes. Very nice!

I also like how you made Harvey unaware of the problem with the Dreamcatcher, as he paid attention only to his restful nights. Great suspense for such a short piece!

And speaking of great suspense (including the "thriller" aspect), if we wondered what was to become of Harvey not having changed out the Dreamcatcher, we knew by the last sentence. Excellent ending!

This was very well written.


                              Invalid Photo #1044919
                             *TackR* Thank you for sharing your story.
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
137
137
Review of Redefined  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


My First Impression of this poem is that photography is something you love, perhaps is your passion and that you're dedicated to finding the perfect subject and creating the perfect photographs by showing them in a different way. Although I wasn't sure if photography is your hobby or career, it is clear from the verbiage that this is the subject of the poem.

I gathered that you are the speaker, and the tone of the poem sounds as though you are happy being immersed out in the world with your camera, whether it's finding a sunset or a beautiful tree.

This was my favorite line:

To seek out, what I can not do without,
When I come across it, I let out a shout.


I loved the idea that you need to find and see these images, that it makes you happy, and when you do find it, you will shout out with joy!

I enjoyed reading this poem because your words let me see through the glass (or the lens), the same way you did. I thought the line about setting your ISO and white balance and framing the sunrise and sunset in a perfect shot, was very clear imagery.

I really don't know anything technical about poetry, which is why I am in a basic poetry class with New Horizons right now. But I do know what I enjoy and this is a piece I really enjoyed reading.



                              ** Image ID #2081153 Unavailable ** A group name sig for WDC Power to use in their reviews

                             *TackR* Thank you for sharing your poem.
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.
138
138
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)


Hi Kbot. I'm reviewing "Blackbeard's Last Voyage" today.

*StarY* How I Found You *StarY*

Since you were nice enough to review two of my stories, I felt I should review at least one of yours. I found this tale appealing since I happen to be a sailor myself.

*StarY* My Opinion *StarY*

As I always begin with the Title and Description, I must say this is an excellent title. Most people know who Blackbeard was, and his "Last Voyage" tells us something interesting is probably coming by the end of the story. It's short, but telling. Very nice! The description line, however, tells the story in one sentence. After reading the story, I thought how surprised I could have been, had you not revealed that it was a "ship in a bottle" until the end of the story, rather than in the description line. The surprise factor is huge, especially in a short story.

The Plot and Premise are original. These days, truly original ideas are few and far between, so good job with this aspect of your story! A ship that is actually inside a bottle, (or rather two ships, if you include the one that ran aground), and the artist who glances at them each morning before going on to his job of toymaking, is quite original! But again, it would have been so much more enjoyable to have been allowed that surprise at the end of the story, with no forewarning.

The two main Characters, Blackbeard and Rory, came alive on the page quite well through their actions and Dialogue. The dialogue moves the story along quickly. The paragraphs were short, moved quick and kept the tension throughout. Blackbeard sounded as a Captain would, responsible, intelligent, and as a man who knew the truth about their situation. Rory also was clever, intelligent and aware of where and what they were, but outside of their "actions," I couldn't really get a visual of them because your character descriptions were very limited. Example: Rory was a "chubby sort of fellow." Yes, readers have one detail, but as much as readers do not like information overload, they also feel cheated by not enough detail. It is the same problem, in reverse. Actually, Tay was far more visual in my mind than Blackbeard or Rory, as your brief description of him gave me a pretty good idea at least of what he looked like.

The Story itself was not a hardcore pirate tale, but a lighter version of a typical pirate adventure, which I liked. Your description of the sea and Blackbeard's surroundings were far more visual than your characters were, in my view. I got a clear picture of the ocean area they were stuck in (within their bottle).

The problem I had with this piece was the readability of it. It has many Grammatical and Punctuation problems. This is the primary reason for my rating. Since I based my rating on this, I will list a few of them in each area.


*StarY* My Suggestions *StarY*

First, you have over six uses of Passive Voice in the story. Phrases or words such as he had been, was lead, was destined, be assured, be saved by, be held, be scrubbed, etc., are all passive voice that should be made active.

Second, I noticed at least 20 or more Adverbs. It would make the story stronger if you eliminate most of the words with an "ly" ending and opt for a stronger word or sentence. Examples: rapidly, dreamily, simply, etc.

Words such as "very" and "however," often have a {c: red}simplier alternative
such as removing the word very and using the word "but or yet" instead.

Again, these comments are strictly about making the writing stronger, tighter and grammatically correct, which in turn improves the readability of the story.
One non-grammatical comment about readability would be to space between paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes.

*StarY* My Final Thoughts *StarY*

I had no problem with all the flow or pacing of the story. It is a good, robust and entertaining piece. I believe a thorough proofread would turn this into a highly rated tale.


                              Invalid Photo #1044919
                             *TackR* Thank you for sharing your story.
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
139
139
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hi Brent. I saw your poem, "State of the Union" and decided to review it. Your poem is one of only two I've reviewed so far, so bear with me as I know practically nothing about poetry.

*StarR* How I Found You *StarR*

I found your poem when I searched the "Browse By Type" area in the menu. I looked up "Political."

*StarR* My Thoughts *StarR*

My First Impression of your poem was that I knew you understood the political environment in the country today. I liked the flow of your stanzas and the verbiage that you used to evoke specific imagery such as "vamps" and "money to feed," and "They seek and destroy What our forefathers built." The phrases are easy to follow and comprehend.

I got the feeling that your tone was somber to begin with and by the end of the poem it became sad and depressive. (Certainly understandable and appropriate for the subject). I thought the way you quickly showed the reader what the system is and how they control it was a good way of keeping the reader interested. You touched on all the basics of how the system works, and how they fool their citizens. Excellent job.

It would seem that the philosophy you have is one of pessimism. I empathize because I agree with your thoughts and feel the same way, disgusted and disillusioned. These emotions are clearly defined throughout the poem.

The ending was most appropriate. "Led by the dollar, divided by hate." It finished the poem with a revelation. I liked how you used this final verse to show the finality of people's ignorance of the problem.


*StarR* Suggestions *StarR*

I wish I could offer some useful comments or helpful suggestions, but as I am not familiar enough with the techniques of poetry. All I can tell you here is how and what I felt while reading it. I did notice that you didn't use any Punctuation in your stanzas so that probably needs to be done.

*StarR* Final Thought *StarR*

I gave you a 4.5-star rating because I agree with your poem and your opinions, and the language was straightforward without too much flowery phraseology.


                             *TackR* Thank you for sharing your poem.
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.


                              Invalid Photo #1044862


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
140
140
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Invalid Photo #1044317


Hello Christifer! I read your story and thought I would review it.


*StarR* How I Found You *StarR*

I found your story in the "Read A Newbie" area. It sounded like an interesting story, so I gave it a read.

*StarR* My Thoughts *StarR*

The Title gives the reader an idea of the storyline, but it doesn't give it away. It's a provocative title that makes the reader want to know more. Although, when I got to the Description line, even though it peaked my interest, it gave me a different feeling than the title did. The title made me think it was a typical archeological adventure, going back in time through the science, and the description line made me realize it would also come under the science fiction genre. At that point, I wasn't sure what to expect from the story until I began to read.

I enjoy the Plot very much. I think you have an engaging story premise. I also feel that you have a good start to this story. Many of the necessary elements are in place before the end of the first chapter such as the plot setup, the main (or two main) characters, and especially the suspense. The story itself provides a lot of opportunities for a variety of incidents and subplots as they discover what the book says, and who created it. They were real people, not cardboard cutouts.

Your two main Characters, Dr. Roach, and Geoffrey were introduced right from the start and had definitive personalities. I like that you introduced us to them at the same time, involved in the search for this book. It made the story take on an adventurous, "Indiana Jones" style feeling. Excellent work with the story setup. I found myself wanting to read more about their exploration for these "aliens."

The Dialogue your characters used sounded natural and appropriate for their age and education. I thought you did a fine job with the dialogue. It didn't drag or seem awkward. It also wasn't flat or forced. And most importantly, you didn't tell your story all with dialogue; you had a comfortable amount of narrative and conversation. I also liked your decision to begin with dialogue. Not everyone agrees this is the best way to begin a story, but I love it, because, to me, I'm right in the middle of the action, I'm involved in the conversation, and I'm learning what they are learning without being told the story in narrative.


What I liked best about your story are the interactions between Dr. Roach and Geoffrey. These two characters really play well off each other, and they add so much to the story's plot in addition to the actual plot details.

What I liked least is this transition you used: "Somehow the Doctor and Geoffrey made it back to London without any further complications."
This transition unfortunately just doesn't work. Your readers (like myself), are going to want to know "how" they made it back without any complications. If it is going to be a brief transition then at least explain how they returned with a couple of details or use the *** marks to show a lapse of time and place, and then continue the story from the new location.


*StarR* Suggestions *StarR*

The Punctuation and Grammar throughout your story needs a bit more proofreading. There are several missing commas. Also, there were a few sentences that are a bit long and could benefit from making them into two or more. And in your description line, the word archeologist should be plural when speaking of two or more. So it should be archeologists.

Aside from a bit more technical work, (the main reason for my rating), this is an excellent story! I'm just sorry you didn't finish the last sentence in Chapter 2. You really should finish that last line and end the chapter at the height of suspense.

I sent you a few GP to encourage you to Write On!



                              Invalid Photo #1044862

                             *TackG* Thank you for sharing your story.
                             *TackG* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
141
141
Review of The Parking Lot  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: GC | (4.0)



Hi GJG! I'm Dee, a newbie, and a new member of the WDC Power Reviewers.


HOW I FOUND YOU

I found your story in the "Please Read & Review" area. It sounded like an interesting read, so here I am.


MY THOUGHTS

Step one for me is when I see a Title that intrigues me. I was interested when I saw yours. Although it isn't a scintillating title, the simplicity of it makes the reader understand that "something" is probably going to happen in the parking lot. So that got me to step two, your story Description. And your story description hooked me. The phrase, hooded figure, will always give connotations of trouble or danger, so that cinched it for me. I was going to read this story. Nice work reeling me in!

Again, your greatest strength in this story is its simplicity. The Plot works since it focuses on the two characters in the parking lot, and it is based on the build up of tension and fear; two of the strongest emotions to explore in any story. By the end of the second paragraph, you have begun Rick's descent into terror. Your descriptions were good and got our hearts racing right along with Rick's. We didn't learn very much about the hooded man, other than he was a teenager, retrieving his inhaler, and every bit as frightened as Rick. However, you've chosen Rick's POV (point of view), so we don't need to know too much about the young man.

Pacing your story back and forth between Rick and the hooded man with one or two sentences helped the tension continue to build until their confrontation, along with short paragraphs.

Although we don't know very much about your Character, Rick, from the details, you used his thoughts to show us how he might react to the hooded figure. In a story of this type, getting inside a character's head is an important tool to show us what Rick is thinking, rather than telling us, so again, nice work.

The ending was surprising. We were expecting Rick to be killed, but instead, Rick ends up being the killer! This took the tension to a climax and gave the story an exciting ending.

Punctuation and Grammer could use a bit of a going over. Like with most of us, things can get missed in a first draft, so don't sweat the small stuff. You can always re-edit and catch whatever you may have missed, but it's even easier when people read and review each other. One item to note would be, using italics. When inside a character's head or thoughts, italics are acceptable to show those thoughts. Example: What was he reaching for? A weapon? Also, there is a missing semi-colon and a few commas.

SUGGESTIONS

A few of your longer sentences could/should be made into two. It would make the pacing of the story even tighter. Removing any unnecessary words will also accomplish this.

My Overall Impression of this story is that it's an easy, fast, read with a good amount of suspense and tension.



                   *Tackr* Thank you for sharing your work.
                   *Tackr* The best way to thank me for the review is to review something in my portfolio.


                             Dee

                    ** Image ID #2081153 Unavailable ** Dee's April 2016 Spotlight Award Image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
142
142
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Invalid Photo #1044317

Hi Angus. I've been meaning to review this story for a few days now, but I got a bit behind due to work.

*StarY* How I Found You *StarY*

I found you story in the Please Review area, as I do with quite a few stories I read.

*StarY* My Thoughts *StarY*

My Initial Impression is this is a very good story. I liked it very much. The idea of a dead writer getting her revenge on readers who didn't like her story, is original. If there is anything like it out there, I haven't heard of it. Good job! Original ideas are fewer and far between than we might think.

The Title was not only intriguing, I felt it was your hook, all in one phrase. Again, good job with this as well. A title that can do this is not easy to create.

For a short piece of fiction, the Plot was very well conceived. I found your use of Karen Houston's novel as the conduit for Patty and Donna's murder, a really cool way to do it. Using Patty and Donna's name intertwined with the novel's murder victim's name was very suspenseful technique.

Punctuation and Grammar looked pretty much spot on. I saw nothing that distracted my reading.

What I liked best in the story was how you showed us Donna and Patty's friendship, through their love of books, and how their demise was due to that same love of reading. And my favorite part was the phone call from the author! That was an excellent scene. I also thought the comment from Karen Houston to Donna on the last line of the story was the "pièce de résistance!" Great ending!

This was a very different and entertaining read.


*StarY* Suggestions *StarY*

I don't have any suggestions. I enjoyed the story the way you wrote it.

                             *TackR* Thank you for sharing your story.
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.


                              Invalid Photo #1044346


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
143
143
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Invalid Photo #1044317

Hi Lezismore. Thank you for reviewing my story. I wanted to return the favor, since I also enjoy reading other contest entries.

*StarY* My Thoughts *StarY*

It looks like this is going to be an interesting contest, because you also have a wonderful story! In fact, I loved the many ways you used imagery to make your point about spring. Lets face it, you can't misunderstand it's spring when there is that lovely image of a babbling brook running through your toes. I could almost feel it myself! The bird song and insects were also a definitive sign of spring. Nice work!

Sebastian is a interesting, and sensitive character. I thought his feelings about his santuary came through quite clearly and in a relaxed way with the images you used.

Your punctuation and grammar usage was well done. I did not notice anything out of place.

The only thing I'm wondering about is, are we allowed to use quotes in the story? I just wasn't sure about the contest parameters.

Again, good work on this story. Good luck to you as well.

Dee

                              Invalid Photo #1044346


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
144
144
Review of Lights Out  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Invalid Photo #1044317


Hello Jube. I'm Dee, a member of the Newbies Academy


*StarY* How I Found You *StarY*

I did a bit of searching for unusual, scary and horror writing, and came upon your story, "Lights Out."

*StarY* My Thoughts *StarY*

When I read the Title, I instantly knew that the "lights going out" would have something important to do with the story, but the description line added to the mystery of it, and draws you in, like one of those movie clips designed to hook you in just a few moments.

When I went searching for something unusual and scary, I wasn't disappointed when I found your story. It was unusual, because Kristy has been hearing the whispers and facing this monster for almost two months, basically on her own! That's a long time...poor kid, no wonder she is frazzled!

With regard to the whispering and this sentence: "It had only started recently, the past two months, after her grandmother had died." I felt that you were trying to show us that Kristy's grandmother knew about the monsters, and that's why she told Kristy how to make them go away (if they showed up). I was thinking, since the whispers and the monster didn't show up until after the grandmother passed away, did the grandmother herself go through the same thing? Is that why she told Kristy what to say to them to make them go away if they showed up again? Are my assumptions inaccurate? I would be curious to know if I read this correctly. If I'm wrong, I'd love to know why the whispering started after the grandmother died.

Interesting that you've shown your Character handling such trauma for so long, but it says a lot about Kristy's strength and personality. For a nine year old, I was impressed that she didn't tell anyone as you tell us here: "She hadn’t told her family about the whispering, thinking they would think she were crazy." Very mature for a nine year old, that Kristy would actually worry that her family would think she's crazy. Nice change! Usually people show their characters being afraid and fear struck. And usually, the character always tells someone about it! Even though Kristy is afraid, her fear motivates her to action as shown at the end of the story when she picks up the lamp (like a weapon) and points it at the creature. Good characterization through her actions. This is what I meant when I said your story is "unusual." You don't show Kristy as a stereotype character like a lot of stories do. This is very different, and it kept me reading, because I didn't know what she was going to do next.

Your Descriptions of both the creature, and it's smell were very vivid. I could see and smell him myself as I read along. Nice job! Also, the way you showed us Kristy's fear by her actions such as: "Pulling the sheets up to her nose she held them there, only her eyes visible in the darkness of the room" is a good example of showing and not telling us that she is afraid.

What I Liked Best was when her mother switched on the room light and the creature disappeared. I honestly wasn't sure if it was the light switch being turned on and the mother walking in that made it go away, or if it was only there to frighten Kristy. Either way, it keeps you wondering.

The Overall Feeling of the story of course is horror and fear, and your story not only flowed well through it, but kept the feeling of trauma through all the paragraphs. Again, nicely done.


Grammar and Punctuation seemed fine to me, other than a missing comma rather than a period in a few places such as: “You’re not real.” She repeated. (Ex: "You're not real," she repeated.)

I enjoyed reading this.


*StarY* Suggestions *StarY*

I figured your goal was to keep us guessing at the end, but the only suggestion I have is that many readers want a satisfying ending, and not knowing what happens to Kristy or the creature left me wanting more. If that is your goal, then bravo! Job well done! But I still wanted to know what was going to happen to Kristy in the end. *Smile*

                             *TackR* Thank you for sharing your story.
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.


                              Invalid Photo #1044346


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
145
145
Review of Cup or Cone?  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Invalid Photo #1044317


Hello Ben. I'm Dee, a member of the Newbies Academy.


*StarY* How I Found You *StarY*

I found your story in the "Please Review" area.


*StarY* My Thoughts *StarY*

I have to tell you, when I saw your description line, I knew I had to read this! Not only am I an ice cream-holic, but I love a funny story! The Title was clear enough, and the Description told me exactly what it would be about, but I had *no* idea how funny this would be! Ben, I kid you not, I just about rolled off the bed laughing as I read this! I was literally ROTF LMAO!

Happiness turned to trauma was a brilliantly funny way to describe your experiences. I've heard the "guy who plays the annoying song" before. I didn't know that was YOU! LOL!!
You really describe the horrors of driving an ice cream truck, from the adult prima donas, to the teens looking for the illicit cone, perfectly! All laughing aside, you have a way with humor when you're writing about real experiences. This is an anecdote you'll want to keep.

And I could practically see the other drivers "running you out of Dodge" if you entered their territory! I suppose it's competitive, but it's just ice cream...or as you put it, perhaps it wasn't!

Instead of a general review on the elements and such, I am simply going to say that your tale was extremely funny, you told it in such a way that I could see all these things happening, and to top it off, the craziness of it all makes the story over the top in the comedy genre!! Really fantastic job at humor.

I have to tell you, I almost died laughing at the last paragraph where you compare the awkwardness of the job to a pedophile! I'm still laughing as I write this. I'm telling you, you have a knack for comedy. Keep at this genre, because it truly suits you! *Laugh*

If you haven't seen Eddie Murphy in his old comedy routine called "Raw," I recommend you watch it. He has a hysterical ice cream truck story too!



*StarY* Suggestions *StarY*

Honestly Ben, I can't think of any suggestions, because if someone can make *me* laugh as much as I did, the story doesn't need any changes, as far as I'm concerned.


                             *TackR* Thank you for sharing your story.
                             *TackR* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.


                              Invalid Photo #1044346


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
146
146
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Invalid Photo #1044317


Hello Aundria. I'm Dee, a newbie and a member of the Newbies Academy Group.


*StarY* How I Found You *StarY*

I actually saw your story after I searched for items in the genre categories. When I looked up comedy your story popped up on my radar. Once I gave it a quick glance, I knew I had to read it!

*StarY* My Thoughts *StarY*

The Title was truly your hook, in my opinion. You just don't see titles like this every day, and I wanted to know what happened. I've got to tell you that I really liked how you started with Terry being seen by the women watching him go through Roy's pockets, and then (sort of) flashing back to the start of the story where you let the reader know a bit of the family history, specific to Roy and Terry's relationship. This added so much to the background once we learned about Roy's passing. It gave us perspective and helped us understand the relationship between Terry and his father-in-law, and that made this true story tasteful, respectful and humorous. Nice work. It was funny that Terry thought he could Roy laughing at him. Humor aside, it had to be a comfort to Terry as well, feeling as though Roy was watching.

Your Descriptions of the family members, particularly of Roy and Terry, were very good and I felt as though I knew them myself. But when you described Roy and how he was forced into retirement because of age and the issues it caused him, we knew he would not be satisfied with life. Your descriptions of him were so clear, we knew how he was going to react to it. Very good writing.

I admit, I too had a smile on my face as Terry and Darla had that warm and funny moment in the adjoining room. It truly did seem as though Roy was with you, making his presence known. Yes, the situation was sad, but fortunately you all found a way to appreciate who Roy really was and that you were able to experience it one last time with warm regards.

Very well written and a lovely tribute. I enjoyed reading it.

Your grammar, punctuation and form were all spot on in my view.


*StarY* Suggestions *StarY*

It was perfect. No suggestions needed.

                             *TackB* Thank you for sharing your story.
                             *TackB* The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.


                              Invalid Photo #1044193


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
147
147
Review of Monkey Blog  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Invalid Photo #1043991 BLOG REVIEW

Hi Andre! I found you here in the jungles of WDC and wanted to do a quick review of your blog.

*StarfishV* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarfishV*

I actually found your blog when I was searching through the Blogging Newsletter, looking for activities and places to visit.

*StarfishV* MY THOUGHTS *StarfishV*

I have to say that the name of your blog got my attention immediately! How could I possibly resist checking out a Monkey blog written by a monkey character!

The writing is humorous, witty and even a bit sarcastic (which I enjoy and appreciate). You have a gritty, down to earth style that seems to annoy Brother Nature perfectly, especially when you do them hanging upside down! LOL

I find your blogging topics most appropriate for a monkey blog. I must admit this blog is pure fun and spews lots of craziness, which provides a great place to keep immersed in writing while having a great time! There's nothing like a few laughs to inspire creativity! Good work on the blog and the bar!

I especially enjoyed your entry called "Monkey Will Play While Brother's Away." I almost died laughing at the part about dipping your tail into the drinks! And your entry about banana sandwiches on banana bread made my mouth water! I love bananas! Bring on the banana wars! And let's face it, poking your finger into all of Brother Nature's food in the fridge screams "Monkey!" I think you're an amazing character. You might just upstage Brother Nature!!

This blog is unique, in that it is you the character writing it. Andre, you're very devious and entertaining, and not always to be trusted! LOL This blog is one of the most creative blogs I've seen, not to mention associating yourself as the owner of the Monkey Bar. Great idea.

I think it's the way you write this blog--in a wonderfully, nonsensical way, makes me want to play right along with you and the havoc that you cause your human friend.
*Laugh*

*StarfishV* SUGGESTIONS *StarfishV*

No suggestions from the peanut gallery! Just keep those entries coming.

         Dee

Invalid Photo #1044040











*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
148
148
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Invalid Photo #1043991 STORY REVIEW
FYI:
I'm a reader who loves a good story, and a fellow writer. In my opinion, reviews are about sharing ideas and making our work stronger. Remember, it's your story. You know it best. Use what you feel is helpful, and keep writing!


Hi Nikki! I finally had a chance to read Chapter One of "Victoria's Adventures."


*StarfishV* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarfishV*

As you know, I found your story in your portfolio after sending you a welcome note in your notebook. I'm glad I did, too. It was a good read.

*StarfishV* MY THOUGHTS *StarfishV*

My first impression was that this was not going to be another typical vampire story. And I wasn't disappointed! It wasn't a typical vampire story at all. I liked how you began the story in a normal, every day situation, and within minutes, life took a completely different turn for Victoria. You put her right into the action and kept her there, and that in turn kept me reading on to find out "what was going to happen next." Interesting point of view speaking in the first person. I often find that first person doesn't appeal to me, but it did seem to work for your story, and I was not distracted by my preferences at all. Nice work.

Your Title gives us a heads up on the main character and what the story will be about (in general terms), but it didn't lead me to believe it would be a vampire story or a story based on the supernatural. It actually gives off a "whimsical" feeling rather than a darker emotion. Perhaps listing a brief description would clue us in a bit to the story line.

Your Character Victoria is interesting, indeed. She has a strong side to her, but we don't see that until she is involved with the group and has to defend herself. She's interesting because there is more to her personality and inner strength than meets the eye, as evidenced by how she stood up to Jill.

What I found curious is that Victoria never mentions Bobby or what might have happened to him ever since his encounter with the vampire. Is there more to this in a later chapter, perhaps?

The Character Derek was fleshed out fairly well. I found this character to be real, and well rounded. By that I mean, he has a distinct way of speaking, he has expressions that define him, such as his nonchalant way of responding to Victoria's questions, and his smile. He doesn't seem to be the type who gets panicked easily or ruffled. I'm wondering if maybe he might have some habit or mannerism that could make him stand out from the rest of the group.


The Plot was intriguing. I am most curious about how a woman turned into a vampire herself can keep herself from killing or taking blood from others. And I'm equally curious to know how she is going to help the SRF get the other vampires. This plot has a lot of possibilities and room for twists and turns.

The Setting seems to be a contemporary time period, or current day, although you didn't give many details. The reader doesn't really know the actual time frame this is set in, but that could be a plus, because it helps make the story appeal to readers from different locales, without making it place specific.

*StarfishV* SUGGESTIONS *StarfishV*

Just a run through with a grammar/punctuation check is all I would say is needed. This first chapter is an interesting read. I wouldn't change it, but a few more details as to the group that hunts the vampires could help clarify the story a bit more. Maybe even a few thoughts Victoria is feeling while meeting these people.

It's a good story, holds my interest (and this isn't usually my normal type of read). However, I find myself interested enough to move on to Chapter Two!



                   *Smile* Thank you for sharing your story.
                   *Tackr* The best way to thank me for the review is to read & review something in my portfolio.



                             Dee

                    Invalid Photo #1044040 Invalid Photo #1044094






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
149
149
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Invalid Photo #1043991 STORY REVIEW

FYI:
I'm a reader who loves a good story, and a fellow writer. Please don't take anything I say in this review as "good or bad, or right and wrong." In my opinion, reviews are about sharing ideas and making our work stronger. Remember, it's your story. You know it best. Use what you feel is helpful, and keep writing!


Hello again Ryan! Hope you are enjoying yourself here on WDC. I'm new here myself, as you know, but already getting settled in, as I'm sure you will also.

*StarfishV* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarfishV*

As you know, I found your stories by visiting your portfolio after sending you a welcome note in your notebook.

*StarfishV* MY THOUGHTS *StarfishV*

As with most stories I tend to gravitate toward, it's initially the Title that attracts me to a piece. But in the end it's the characters and the story itself that holds my interest. Since you didn't have a little description listed for this flash contest piece, I wasn't certain what it was about. Although by the title, I guessed it was going to be an eye opener. Good title. It makes you wonder... because the first thing I asked was, what are the odds about *what?* So wonder and curiosity prevailed in this story.

Your Characters were defined well. Danny seemed like an old school cop, seasoned and maybe not even too motivated at his age, or at least a laid back sort rather than the go get 'em style cop of today's era. Frank seemed like the type of bartender that a man like Danny would confide things to. He also seemed like he was from that old school, gritty era that we see in old movies and films. The Dialogue is very much in character. The conversations are short, but crisp. And their verbiage reminds me of those black and white style hard boiled detective movies.

I found it interesting that the Plot was partially revealed in the first few lines, and fully revealed by the end when they realized the kid is the dockside killer. Good work there. I would imagine if this was a fully fleshed out story, you would have created a lot of suspense revealing the plot in the same way. That was a very good skill, considering this is a flash fiction piece.


I liked this sentence: “Always the cheapskate.” He complains. “So you guys catch this dockside killer?”
It told me about the relationship between Frank and Danny in one line.



*StarfishV* SUGGESTIONS *StarfishV*

I don't think I would change a thing. If you were going to turn it into a full fledged short story or novel, there are more clues and inferences you could throw in from the beginning, but this is a very nice piece of flash fiction. You said a lot with few words! You're punctuation and grammar seem pretty much spot on.

Nice little piece of writing.


                   *Smile* Thank you for sharing your story.
                   *Tackr* The best way to thank me for the review is to read & review something in my portfolio.



                             Dee

                    Invalid Photo #1044029 Invalid Photo #1044094






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
150
150
Review of After Hours  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Invalid Photo #1043991 STORY REVIEW


NOTE:
*Please do not to take any of these comments personally.* I comment as a reader who loves a good story, and I make suggestions based on my own opinions. To me, reviews aren't about being "good or bad, or right and wrong." They are about sharing ideas. Remember, it's your story. Use what you feel is helpful, and keep writing!



Hi Wayne. I'm pleased to have had a chance to read your story "After Hours."


*StarfishV* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarfishV*

I found your story in the "Read & Review" area. Lately, I've read several very good stories from this area, yours included. Your Title evoked an air of mystery to it, but it was your Description that hooked me into reading the story. Obviously, I wanted to know what the huge risk was.


*StarfishV* MY THOUGHTS *StarfishV*

The plot was intriguing, as I was curious about Tad and Susan's relationship and where it was going, from the very beginning. Part of the intrigue was the way you told the reader various things about the characters, such as Susan's crying in the office. We know she's upset, and she is avoided Tad at first, but we don't know they are in a relationship in the first couple of paragraphs. That was done rather well, I think. Even though I felt like I wanted to know more a little quicker than you were telling us, it kept my interest because I did want to know.

As a reader, I could tell where the story was going, in that Susan and Tad were going to be together in the end, and that she would leave her husband. However, up until almost the very end, I didn't know they were both planning to kill Robert, and I certainly never guessed that they would simply walk out together, leaving Robert standing there alive. That was a complete surprise! Nice work!

Your characterization and dialogue worked well, as each character spoke with their own style, and their reactions and mannerisms were unique. They were not paper cut outs in any way. Robert's attitude was dripping with sarcastic comments and an air of authority, and Tad spoke with the confidence and heroism of a man in love, protecting his lady against all odds.

Susan, I was pleased to see, pulled herself out of her victim stage and showed strength in her confrontation with her husband. It was good to read, especially after reading so many true accounts where women stay the victims and never act on their feelings due to intimidation. Although it wasn't the most exciting departure scene I've ever read or seen, I really enjoyed how you highlighted their passion and their better judgement. It was a refreshing ending.


*StarfishV* SUGGESTIONS *StarfishV*

There were a few words and punctuation that could use a quick spell and grammar check, but other than that I would say this story doesn't need a rewrite. I liked it.


                   *Smile* Thank you for sharing your story.
                   *Type* Remember...all it takes is one word after another!
                   *Tackr* The best way to thank me for the review is to read & review something in my portfolio.



                             Dee

                    Invalid Photo #1043870 Newbies Academy Reviewing Sig1






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
156 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 7 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/djokolot/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6