Hi Kbot. I'm reviewing "Blackbeard's Last Voyage" today.
How I Found You
Since you were nice enough to review two of my stories, I felt I should review at least one of yours. I found this tale appealing since I happen to be a sailor myself.
My Opinion
As I always begin with the Title and Description, I must say this is an excellent title. Most people know who Blackbeard was, and his "Last Voyage" tells us something interesting is probably coming by the end of the story. It's short, but telling. Very nice! The description line, however, tells the story in one sentence. After reading the story, I thought how surprised I could have been, had you not revealed that it was a "ship in a bottle" until the end of the story, rather than in the description line. The surprise factor is huge, especially in a short story.
The Plot and Premise are original. These days, truly original ideas are few and far between, so good job with this aspect of your story! A ship that is actually inside a bottle, (or rather two ships, if you include the one that ran aground), and the artist who glances at them each morning before going on to his job of toymaking, is quite original! But again, it would have been so much more enjoyable to have been allowed that surprise at the end of the story, with no forewarning.
The two main Characters, Blackbeard and Rory, came alive on the page quite well through their actions and Dialogue. The dialogue moves the story along quickly. The paragraphs were short, moved quick and kept the tension throughout. Blackbeard sounded as a Captain would, responsible, intelligent, and as a man who knew the truth about their situation. Rory also was clever, intelligent and aware of where and what they were, but outside of their "actions," I couldn't really get a visual of them because your character descriptions were very limited. Example: Rory was a "chubby sort of fellow." Yes, readers have one detail, but as much as readers do not like information overload, they also feel cheated by not enough detail. It is the same problem, in reverse. Actually, Tay was far more visual in my mind than Blackbeard or Rory, as your brief description of him gave me a pretty good idea at least of what he looked like.
The Story itself was not a hardcore pirate tale, but a lighter version of a typical pirate adventure, which I liked. Your description of the sea and Blackbeard's surroundings were far more visual than your characters were, in my view. I got a clear picture of the ocean area they were stuck in (within their bottle).
The problem I had with this piece was the readability of it. It has many Grammatical and Punctuation problems. This is the primary reason for my rating. Since I based my rating on this, I will list a few of them in each area.
My Suggestions
First, you have over six uses of Passive Voice in the story. Phrases or words such as he had been, was lead, was destined, be assured, be saved by, be held, be scrubbed, etc., are all passive voice that should be made active.
Second, I noticed at least 20 or more Adverbs. It would make the story stronger if you eliminate most of the words with an "ly" ending and opt for a stronger word or sentence. Examples: rapidly, dreamily, simply, etc.
Words such as "very" and "however," often have a {c: red}simplier alternativesuch as removing the word very and using the word "but or yet" instead.
Again, these comments are strictly about making the writing stronger, tighter and grammatically correct, which in turn improves the readability of the story.
One non-grammatical comment about readability would be to space between paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes.
My Final Thoughts
I had no problem with all the flow or pacing of the story. It is a good, robust and entertaining piece. I believe a thorough proofread would turn this into a highly rated tale.
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Thank you for sharing your story.
The best way to thank me for this review is to review something in my portfolio.
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