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351 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am honest and respectful, and try to be as diplomatic as possible when I review a piece of writing. I use a template to cover most writing elements, as well as giving you my personal thoughts and feelings about it. I rate fair and equal to the review I give, but I only give a rating of 5 if the piece is perfect, in my opinion.
Favorite Genres
Mystery, adventure, paranormal, historical, disaster/survival, political, detective, young adult, animal, folklore, comedy, inspirational, nature, romance, and fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, psychological, gangster, western, steampunk
Favorite Item Types
Flash fiction, short stories, blogs, chapters of novels, and essays.
Least Favorite Item Types
Articles, non-fiction
I will not review...
Technological, erotica, gay/lesbian, whole novels or novellas all at one time.
Public Reviews
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Review of Fiction  
Review by Dee
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Bad Valentine" was an unusual valentine story, but that's what piqued my interest! That's terrific that you entered the Dialogue 500 Contest! I read your "Write Your Books" entry also, and see that you are indeed working to accomplish your goals. Keep on going, and write on!
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Review by Dee
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations on your first auction! It turned out to be a wonderful success! *Heart*
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Review of Contests  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Meduf,

I'm stopping today by to do a Port Scan of your main three folders! For the last day, I've been exploring your folders, and I see you have three of them. Within the three main folders, I found you also had a multitude of additional folders.

I had the pleasure of checking the Contest folder first. The Bard's Hall folder holds a wonderful tribute to the firemen who gave their lives on 911. Great little piece, worthy of a read and review.

I found the Blink folder full of wonderful quick reads that have an amazing amount of descriptive writing for such few words! Very good imagery and emotion packed into these short shorts!

The Dear Me folder sports your self-to-self letter, with monthly checklists to keep your goals in mind. Great idea, by the way! And a very interesting letter. Talk about holding yourself accountable...nice!

Your Dialogue 500 has several good stories. I found the "Priest and Condemned Man Conversation" the most thought-provoking of the bunch.

My favorite folder in here is in your collection of Flash Fiction stories. I read them all, and they are nice pieces to reflect on. I especially enjoyed "A Funeral in a Bakery." This was a very emotional story, sort of heartbreaking in a bittersweet way. Great piece of writing! And I thought "Mode of Transportation" had a very humorous ending. *Smile*

You had a few awarded stories in the No Dialogue folder that was well deserved. Overall, this was one of the best folders in the contest group!

While I've got to be one of the only non-Harry Potter fans, your Challenge Book Promptly Potter book is quite impressive. Interesting prompts and entries here!

Good to see you enter two of the newer contests, "Pink Fluffy Unicorns," and "Elizabeth's Short Story & Poetry Contest." Your Pink Fluffy entry was really humorous too! *Wink*

You do really well with the various Writer's Cramp entries. Your creativity truly shines in this folder. The Cramp is a tough challenge, yet you have some great stories here that deserve a read!

I read through several other folders with a diverse group of writing, such as the LGBT Writings, the Screams folder, and other Prompts.


Overall, there is something for everyone in your port! A visitor would easily find something to their liking in your Contest folder.

Write On!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Invalid Photo #1048846

Hi Meduf. I'm reviewing "Devil of the Ocean" today.

Genre - *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The genres you chose represent this story perfectly. I thought this was very scary and packed with fear and tension. I normally don't read a lot of horror stories, but when the elements intrigue me, I'm right on it!

Title - *Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

While I thought the title was impactful and evoked fear, I also thought it was a bit revealing. I knew from the title that a shark was going to be a threat to someone's survival. I didn't know if they would live or not, but it did take away the ability to surprise me at the end of the story.

Plot - *Star**Star**Star**Star*

This is a very good plot. It takes the natural fear of sharks and the fear of dying alone to another level when you added losing her husband and possibly her child also. The plot came out of their situation--the weather and being thrown into the sea, and I found it to be extremely emotional since this kind of crisis makes it easy for fear and panic to surface. I was caught up in Kim's struggle to get to the boat. However, while I expected the ending, regarding Kim's situation, I wondered, as she did, what would happen to the boat and especially what happened to her child.

Theme - *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

You handled the theme very well. It was clear the theme is about survival. I especially liked that her first thought was to get to the boat and her child, showing a mother's instinct clearly.

Story Setting & Descriptions - *Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I know you wrote this for a contest, and the first line was required, but the "dark and stormy" part sort of contradicted the "sunset and night sail" when they first leave out on the boat, since they didn't start out on a dark, stormy night. However, the ocean setting was well-drawn, despite this, and the dark and stormy part worked nicely to set the mood of the piece. Your use of descriptive writing is very good! I didn't just read about the waves she fought, I felt the waves flogging her.

Story POV - *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I found this to be a strong story, as far as telling it from Kim's POV. I felt her fears, and especially her struggle as she tried to reach the boat. The scary/horror aspect was well written.

Characters - *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Kim was a character I saw clearly in my mind, and her voice was distinct. Her personality attributes came through well, such as her strength, and controlled panic, with the ability to make good and fast decisions. The writing showed her to be more than capable of handling herself.

Dialogue - *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The use of dialogue was very limited. I believe only one line of dialogue was present, but it sounded realistic and began to show the panic in Kim's voice. Kim's inner dialogue added to the terror and exhaustion we understood she was going through.

Story Structure - *Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The story has a beginning, middle, and end to it, but while the resolution of Kim and her husband was clear, what happened to the boat and the child isn't. However, as I mentioned before, I still think this is an excellent story, with respect to the plot, the fear and the struggle for survival on Kim's part. You have at least one plot point that raises the stakes, (finally being able to grab the lead rope from the boat), and the climax where she is just about to reach the boat, only to not survive despite her efforts.

Punctuation/Grammar - *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Good use of punctuation and grammar, with few problems, other than a missing comma or two.

*StarY* FINAL COMMENTS *StarY*

I enjoyed reading your story very much. It had all the elements for a horror tale, and I felt all the fear and panic Kim did and in all the right places. Good work!

Invalid Photo #1045954


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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2116766 Unavailable **

Hello Ayla. I'm reviewing "Discovered (STTNG) Chapter 1" today!


*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

I'd like to say this is a very fine piece of writing for Star Trek fan fiction. I am enjoying this story and will continue to read the other chapters you have up.

This Title, Discovered, seems to fit the story perfectly. The Description tells us the basic premise, but you did not give away the plot or storyline. Very good use of these elements.

I saw you used Multiple POV's. I haven't read a story with multiple POVs in a while. You did a good job with it. I read the story for enjoyment, but honestly, I saw no head-hopping issues. When you used a particular POV, you stayed in it until the change of a paragraph of a transition. Good work.

The Structure of your story starts well. You have a solid beginning. Since this is the first chapter, I can only assume you will have a middle and end or resolution to this story. If you executed the other chapters the same way as this one, I have no doubt the structure will be solid all the way through.

The Plot is really good! I loved the revenge aspect of this story and having someone as sweet and nice as Deanna Troi to have a horrible revenge plotted against her. It was perfect. Talk about taking your hero out of her comfort zone. Very good work with the plot. I can't wait to see how it ends!

The Characters were all well depicted. You did not stray from their personalities, their attributes or their mannerisms in any way, keeping them as we know them to be while adding a storyline that the series did not fully explain, not even in the final movie. You went into more detail about Imzadi than the creators did. Good job! The character of Kitana is an excellent creation. You did very well with designing the perfect adversary!

The Dialogue was spot on. Again, everything seemed authentic, they spoke as if they were real people, they stayed in synch with their television counterparts and the statements they made were in line with what that character on the series would probably have said and done.

Punctuation and Grammar were also handled well. I saw nothing major or out of place to worry about.

*Star* FINAL COMMENTS *Star*

If I had to say one thing that would be under the heading of "suggestion," it would be to make the font a bit larger and to use paragraphs for the narrative and action and put dialogue on a separate line. It will be easier to read. The readability as far as language is concerned is excellent, but the readability as far as the format goes is a bit tough. That withstanding, this is a wonderful chapter.

I have found several Trek stories that were well done here on WDC, and this one stands with those as one of the best. I will be reading the rest of your chapters soon. I don't do that very often with novels, unless they really capture my interest, as this one does! Great story, so far.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2116766 Unavailable **

Hello Jason. I'm reviewing "Star Trek: No Beach To Walk On" today!


*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

Before I say anything else, I'd like to tell you that this was one of the *Best* Trek pieces I've read here on WDC!

The Title was very interesting! I was curious about it because I remember hearing this phrase before, but I couldn't recall where. This phrase is extremely metaphorical, and it suits the story well. Of course, you don't know that until after you finish reading it.

This Plot is a bit different than a standard Trek story, as it does not encompass any "mission" other than being on Starbase 11 and shore leave, or any crisis at hand. However, you gave it just the right amount of tension, stress, and "crisis" since Kirk had to deal with the Karidian issue on the Starbase. The plot line that includes Janice Rand was really very good! I mean, real Trek fans always knew the relationship they had was a "love from afar" sort of thing, but nevertheless, we knew they did have feelings for each other, which you show quite clearly. Now that Rand is transferring, she is able to do this freely, and all the things we wondered about in the series, is answered with your wonderful piece of fan fiction!

You handle the Characters of Kirk, Spock, Rand and others with perfect precision, keeping their personalities, and their physical and mental attributes as we have always known them to be, intact, which is the beauty of writing fan fiction, having the world and characters already set-up and created. But making them reflect the profiles they were created with isn't as easy as it sounds, yet you did so and made the story intriguing. I wanted to know why she was actually leaving, and why she couldn't be persuaded to stay. I also loved reading about the other side of Kirk's personality, the side he doesn't show while in command. Very well done.

Their Dialogue is also included in this comparison to Roddenberry's creations, as you made them "sound" exactly as they should, their voices were theirs, and theirs alone, and the verbiage and manner in which they spoke were exactly what it should be. I enjoyed the conversation between Kirk and Janice. It was creative and sentimental, and it laid the groundwork for why she was no longer on board the ship later.

You have worked all the elements of Structure into the story. This story has a definite beginning, middle and ending, and the resolution is definitive. I like endings that are true endings. I also felt that using Kirk's POV was the only option, and you never strayed from that point of view. Nice work. Let's face it, he's the Captain, and he is the one person everything on board will affect, so it was the right choice.

Your use of Punctuation and Grammar was spot on. I saw nothing out of place. If there was, I sure wasn't going to notice it while I was enjoying the read! This was also well done.

Overall, I would have to call the feeling and mood of this piece as dramatic, somber, and even a bit painful. You could actually "feel" Kirk and Rand's pain over her transferring off the ship and separating from each other. However, the one optimistic feeling came from Kirk thinking he would probably see her again, and that the universe has a way of working things out. Even Rand's comment about "you never know" referring to her taking a few command courses, gave a hopeful feeling to the story.

*Star* FINAL COMMENTS *Star*

I found this story to be a perfect piece of fan fiction and a well-done story in the Star Trek world.



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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #2116766 Unavailable **

Hello Snee. I'm reviewing "In Honour of Spock" today!


*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

The Title and Description suit your poem, as it does honor the character very well, and tells me that it will be of a more serious nature.

I noticed you used the Quatrain poetic format, with 10 stanzas. This happens to be my personal favorite, because of the rhyme scheme. It makes the poem flow like a song, easy, off the tongue, and makes it a lighter poem to read.

It's an interesting poem, as far as I'm concerned because I love all aspects of Star Trek, and what the show stands for, so this is a poem in tribute to one of the finest character actors, and to the character himself. The feeling throughout the piece is logical, organized and serious, but by the end of it, especially in the last stanza, it takes on a more solemn and somber tone to it. The interesting part about the actual poem is that you started it by honoring Spock, and ended it by honoring Nimoy. I liked that. *Smile*

I especially enjoyed this poem because it was more of a vignette of a story, through a poetic device, as well as a tribute to the character and man. Very nice.

I thought your use of punctuation worked very well and felt right for the piece.

*Star* FINAL COMMENTS *Star*

There were a couple of words that, while they did rhyme, they didn't sound like "true rhyme," such as words like "know it/transmit, and sure/detour, etc. However, this did not detract from my enjoyment of the poem in any way. Nice work with this one.



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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2116766 Unavailable **

Hello onaya3. I'm reviewing "An Enterprising Halloween" today!


*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

I must tell you, out of all the humorous Star Trek stories and poems I've read, this is one of the funniest ones, in my opinion! I was laughing so much, I had to stop before finishing it. Very good job! Very good title. Yes, you told us what the story was about between the Title and Description, but in this case, you did not give away the story humor by telling us the premise. Good work.

I would never have thought to use Data to explore a Halloween-themed story. Great idea! This Plot screamed funny! Even original Trek used a Halloween theme for "Catspaw." Although, that episode was nothing like this story, and it was a serious episode.

You did a wonderful job keeping the Characters in "character." I've read some stories, where they don't speak or act anything like what we know them to be like, so you did a fantastic job of showing their personalities with action and language.

The Dialogue was quite good. I could see and hear Data perfectly, as well as Picard. And the language and words they used were spot on to their character. For instance, Data called them "domesticated fowl eggs" and Picard called them "chicken eggs."

I didn't see any Punctuation issues or Grammatical problems. This had good readability.

*Star* FINAL COMMENTS *Star*

About the only useful comment I could make would be about the first two lines. They were a bit long. It could be easier to read if you tried making them three lines, rather than the two long ones. However, I thought this was a fantastic story. The humor was so "Data!" Good job!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Mudd's Spud  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #2116766 Unavailable **

Hi Prosperous Snow. I'm reviewing "Mudd's Spud" today!


*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

I *loved* this little poem! Nice rhyme, it was humorous, and told the plot in four lines.

I saw you chose to use the AA, BB rhyme scheme, and I thought it made the poem so wonderfully melodic and jovial! Harry Mudd is always a good subject for anything with a scheme or a plot of a devious nature, but this piece took aim at his more common plot of "going for the credits!" Loved it! No doubt, he stole the spud from someone out there! *Laugh*

*Star* FINAL COMMENTS *Star*

Very good use of the clerihew poetic format. It was perfect for this biographical Mudd piece! I also liked how you kept the punctuation and capitalization consistent.



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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #2116766 Unavailable **

Hello Rose. I'm Dee, a member of the WDC Power Reviewers. I'm reviewing "The Dave of the Dove" today!

*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

I must say, after reading your poem, you truly earned that Awardicon. What wonderful images and feeling from this construct. It was quite impressive that you could create such a short but definable story out of these Trek titles.

First of all, the poem was very interesting and evoked the "peaceful" story you were hoping to create. What I found most amazing was how each line created a variety of storyline possibilities as I read it. I liked how you told the story---with few details so that the reader could fill some of those in and imagine them for themselves such as, "the patterns of force" that were used in "a private little war," without actually telling me what those patterns were. Nice...very nice, indeed!

I wouldn't say the poem sounded "melodic," but it definitely had a flow to it that seemed logical, with a sense of hope coming from it. The tone seemed to change from dark to that peaceful ending once they are shown "the way to Eden." With these elements combined, you created depth and feeling to it. And one interesting thing to note is that it did not seem forced or contrived. The lines made sense and moved to the next in a way that moved the story to its conclusion.

I noticed you didn't use punctuation at all. It felt like it should have had a few marks, here and there to make the pauses clear, but despite that, this is a 5-star poem in my opinion.

*Star* FINAL COMMENTS*Star*

This poem is an enjoyable piece to read, yet it makes you think about what is being said from different points of view, and makes you consider the actual or metaphorical "voyage to Eden."



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #2116766 Unavailable **

Hello Jason. I'm Dee, a member of the WDC Power Reviewers. I'm reviewing "Star Trek: Generation Gap" today!


*Star* HOW I FOUND YOU *Star*

I found your story while searching out fan fiction items for Star Trek stories. Let me first say, "Wow! What an excellent alternate story!" I was impressed by your writing. And you very obviously love Trek too by this creative storyline.

*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

The Title and Description gave me the environment, being ST, and a little information about what I would be reading, but I had no clue it would change the events in such a significant way. I loved this version as well as the original story. Quite frankly, your version would have really opened up the films for an interesting viewpoint, had they gone with your version. Very good work with this!

I think there could be no other Point of View to use other than Kirk's. It was a powerful story, hearing his thoughts, and it had a bit of a darker side to them, especially when we thought about being "put out to pasture" so to speak by Starfleet, and how he resisted retirement. I thoroughly enjoyed how he ended up having similar thoughts in his new environment, and how insulted he was to be treated like "a pet," as you put it.

Very, very good Characterization. Many of these thoughts were never explored in the series of films because he was in his prime then and in command. Here, however, he is more of a living statue, and we see another side of his personality. The interesting thing is, this "other side" seems to be spot on as far as his character is concerned.

The story Structure is good, a definite beginning, middle, and yes, an end too. Although, you didn't actually resolve the story in a definite action. I mean, you did, in the sense that Kirk is standing his ground in this new environment as well as he had in the past, but there was no real declaration about that other than in his own mind. We don't know what he did after he left the holodeck. However, I loved this so much, I still think it's a 5-star piece.

The Plot was a combination of original and Next Generation Trek, which seems to be a popular trend in both the films and in fan fiction, that I've noticed. Your characters in your story are true to their original creations, which is very important in fan fiction, and they speak and react the way we expect them to.

Since you had limited Dialogue, I can't say too much about this element, although everything is truly spot on here. There were a few places with dialogue and they sounded genuine and followed the character's mannerisms and style of speaking. But I felt this piece was written more as inner thoughts and reflections, rather than outward discussion.

I wish I could give a suggestion or a comment for thought, but quite frankly, I think this was a fantastic alternative story line. I have no suggestions, criticisms, or otherwise, other than ending the piece perhaps more definitively.

I saw no grammatical or punctuation errors, or anything missing. Of course, I was so intrigued by what I was reading, I could have missed something! Excellent Trek fiction!


Invalid Photo #1048805


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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #2116766 Unavailable **

Hello Prosperous Snow, I've chosen to review "USS Enterprise Meets Clarabell the Clown" today!


*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

Of course, your genres of choice were perfect for this tale! I loved the comedy aspect of the story! There are so many parodies about Star Trek, and they are all fun and enjoyable, even to the hardcore fan. I am a huge Trekker, so I love this combo!

This story made me laugh and smile! I mean, I knew what the Enterprise and crew were going to find by the title, but it got me laughing before I even read it! And even though I knew "Clarabell" would be in the action, I had no idea how you were going to present it, so it was quite a surprise! I believe another reason the humor worked so nicely in this is because you stayed consistent, keeping the story from Kirk's POV. Spock being "the straight man" wouldn't have done it justice. Nice work!

Your story was a nice, short piece, with a complete structure of beginning, middle, and resolution. And boy oh boy, did it get resolved! *Laugh* The plot was a standard Trek episodic premise, exploring the galaxy, as well as other missions, but you made this plot an original one by combining original Trek with elements from the Next Generation series. I don't want to give it away for anyone who might read this, but the surprise ending was *perfect.* Very creative!

The characters and dialogue were spot on. Since they are well-known characters, you had no trouble keeping them "in character", yet you added the element of humor, and Kirk's comments were really very funny! I especially liked it when he called Spock a "dunderhead!" *Laugh* And I couldn't help but notice Kirk's memory issue! Again, it's so Kirk with humor!

Overall, I found nothing grammatically out of place. This was a good, quick read, with just the right amount of humor to make it a wonderfully Trekkish!


Invalid Photo #1048805


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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hi Jade. I'm Dee. I stopped by your port today to review your poem, "Where's Christmas in the South?."

*StarY* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarY*

I found you when I visited the Newbies Academy Group Showcase List. Congratulations on being a Showcase Member for April!

*StarP* MY THOUGHTS *StarP*

While you chose the category personal for your poem, I think you would fare better as far as getting reviews, if you were more specific. Personal works well, but perhaps you should add other categories such as emotional, family, or holiday to the list. If you leave it on personal, and no other genre, it's difficult to have an idea what the poem is about.

I understood this is a Christmas poem, it takes place in Georgia, in the south, and it's about the author's experience with the cold and snow that made that Christmas special.

The tone and mood of the poem are light, hopeful, and happy. I felt the tone and mood through the entire poem, until the end of it, when the mood became exciting and thrilling when show arrived.

You set the stage with comments about the weather being "a cold nip in the air." All your descriptions and descriptive writing made me "feel" your experience as you wait for Christmas Eve and snowflakes to hopefully fall, which of course, they do!

Your stanzas had rhyme to it, but it wasn't the traditional AABB or similar rhyme schemes, and I saw little to no alliteration or assonance.

*StarP* FINAL COMMENTS *StarP*

I liked this poem very much! You turned inspiration and a personal desire into a wonderful piece of holiday poetry that put a smile on my face! Nice work!

Invalid Photo #1047400




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Review of Tattooed  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Hi Fivesixer! I'm reviewing your poem, "Tattooed," as part of your winning the Humdinger Package of the Comedy Club Raffle. You have many wonderful pieces of prose, but I found this poem to be one of your best.

*StarP* MY THOUGHTS *StarP*

It's clear the poem is about domestic abuse or domestic violence. I loved how you began the piece, showing the victim's ingenuity turning her bruise into a tattoo. I get the feeling that she is at the point where she doesn't give her abuser any more credit for his actions. I like how it showed her determination to get the upper hand in her situation. I believe this is the theme. The determination to overcome great adversity is an excellent subject.

Although abuse is a "dark" topic, you didn't show it in a way that made me, (as a reader), feel the burden a victim usually feels having experienced abuse. The poem's tone felt uplifting. It seemed more about the determination to overcome the abuse and being honest about their situation. The uplifting part seemed to be her decision to move on by talking or writing about it.

This poem seemed to look like free verse and prose. It felt like a combination of the two categories. It flowed well and created vivid images of the woman's mindset, so this style of poetry and sentence structure worked very effectively to show what she felt about the abuse and how she would recover from it. I especially liked the way you used the word "makeup" in juxtaposition.

The mood of this poem was somber, yet hopeful, as her strength and courage blossomed. I could easily see her recovering and going on with the life "he" stole from her. You did a wonderful job sending a message of self-respect and validation, that the person is in charge of their situation, they simply have to find the strength inside themselves.

This wasn't a typical poem that uses rhyme schemes, but you did have one or two examples of alliteration, such as the words, "cotton/candied, and existence/experience.

The poem is significant and is universal, considering the issue that domestic abuse is so prevalent today. You did a fantastic job "showing" that love shouldn't hurt, and that a person has to rid themselves of the internal scars, not just the external ones, but that perseverance and determination are the keys to opening new doors.

*StarP* FINAL COMMENTS *StarP*

I found this poem quite touching. It is one of the first pieces about abuse in general, that has a positive viewpoint, rather than the darker outlook of a victim with no direction. I think this deserves high marks.

Invalid Photo #1047400




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Hello again, Ken. This time, I decided to review, "A Trip of a Lifetime."

*StarY* MY THOUGHTS *StarY*

My First Impression of this story was just how clever and entertaining it was to read! You have a talent for keeping the reader interested and in suspense in your stories. Ending the story with a humorous note is indicative of your fun and entertaining personality as well, so while you came up with a creative ending, I did not expect it! Nice job!

The travel Genre provides a lot of great opportunities and directions for a comedy or an action-adventure story, and you combined all three extremely well. I like how you showed Ralph's humdrum life, then eased him, (quite naturally) into his Bimini adventure. It seemed very realistic and I was curious to see what was going to happen to Ralph on his adventure because I just knew something would be coming!

Your Title and Descriptions were wonderful. Ralph had a gray personality that matched his home and life, so it was undoubtedly a trip of a lifetime for him. Even I had fun as a reader, while I traveled along with him! And your use of descriptive writing really brought the story to life. Using the Hemingway references, the historical info about the Bahamas, specifically, the Bimini Road and other notables, as well as the colors of the island, island drinks, and the weather made reading this tale a treat. I could envision every moment of his trip! *Smile*

While the Setting begins at Raph's grey home and surroundings, then quickly moves to Bimini Island in the Bahamas. Without any doubt, the stage was set with your descriptions of the island and Ralph's activities. I especially liked these two sentences best of all: "Warm, tropical breezes wafted across the patio carrying the scents of hibiscus and bougainvillea. The sunset was nothing short of spectacular, painting the sky in subtle shades of orange, pink, and purple."

The Plot involved Ralph experiencing his boring life, only to find he has won this amazing trip to the Bahamas for a fun adventure. It's a quality plot, and while used quite often by writers, this island adventure scenario provides lots of room to explore many challenges. I found this statement very useful as far as creating the initial suspense on the island. "Well," she began, a note of doubt in her voice, "if that's really what you'd like to do ..." I kept thinking, if the travel coordinator is not as excited for him about his plan to see the Bimini Road alone, something's got to happen on that little excursion. I wasn't disappointed.

You showed me the Character of Ralph in many ways, and I felt as though I knew what type of person he was. Even Ralph's mannerisms and physical actions showed me his personality, such as this description, "He moved, crab-like... and I need a life he thought scornfully." I know Ralph is a bit skeptical by how he questioned the Travel Channel person about the trip, wondering what the catch was. Ralph is a distinctive and engaging character. We can almost imagine how dull his life is just by his own words about not having a life, etc.

The Dialogue was crisp, clear and moved the plot along well, but I didn't really hear any differences in the character's speech, other than with Jemarr. His speech had a Jamaican flavor to it, but Ralph, Aaliyah, and the Travel Channel person on the phone seemed to have the same "voice." This was the reason I rated this 4.5. The characters themselves are realistic and are not cardboard types at all.

Again, your use of Punctuation and Grammar is practically impeccable. For someone who considered himself a poet, and newer to writing stories, I'd say you have the mechanics down very well!

You used Tension and Rising Action effectively to create more suspense, which made the punchline at the end of the story very funny!

*StarY* FINAL COMMENTS *StarY*


Once again, I had fun reading your story and found it interesting, fun and kept me on the edge of my seat! I'll be sure to check out more of your work. You have quite an imagination!

Invalid Photo #1045954


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Dee
Rated: E | (5.0)
What an amazing review you did! First, 1000 reviews is an incredible feat! So, congratulations on this achievement! I'm sure everyone you reviewed appreciated the time and effort you put into those reviews. *Smile*

This story/review is quite a tribute to other writers here on WDC! You really wrote and expressed lovely sentiments about your reviewers and the writing advice they gave. Anyone new coming to WDC would surely be more relaxed about asking for reviews once they read your account!

Thank you for the kind things you said. Keep writing and reviewing!
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Review of Ireland  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hello Joshua! I'm Dee, a member of the Newbies Academy Group and the WDC Power Reviewers.

*StarP* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarP*

I found your poem while searching the menu for poetry.

*StarP* MY THOUGHTS *StarP*

I immediately noticed your poem was about your home, Ireland. I am fascinated by Ireland, it's natural beauty, its folklore, and Celtic music. So your poem caught my interest.

I believe you are the one narrating the poem, and that your intent was to express your love and appreciation for your home as well as conveying those feelings to others. You certainly did that, no doubt about it. It's a brief, but thoughtful piece describing many of Ireland's attributes. I believe it would entice visitors to explore it as a vacation destination.

The tone seems to be light and almost whimsical at first, but changes to a more serious nature by the end of it, showing how peace eventually came to the island after internal strife. Very touching that you expressed the unity of the people. The mood feels happy and proud throughout the piece. I can feel your pride as you tell us about the beauty of Ireland.

I see you chose a ballad for your piece and used an alternating rhyme scheme (AA,BB). I enjoyed your rhyme scheme because although it seems to be true rhyme, it isn't overpowering or overly whimsical. I didn't notice any use of alliteration or assonance within the lines.

You open your poem with a colorful and content statement of Ireland that evokes a clear image in my mind. You philosophy remains optimistic throughout and even mystical about the country. This feeling adds so much to your statements.

You even wove a brief bit of Irish history within the lines, and it was interesting and entertaining. The last line stating that Ireland will "blow your mind," while not overly poetic, is very powerful. It makes me, (as a reader), wonder what other sights and sounds I might experience if I visit Ireland.

*StarP* FINAL COMMENTS *StarP*


I enjoyed reading this poem. In fact, I read it over two or three times because it rolled off my tongue in a lovely way! I could almost hear the Irish brogue as I read it in my mind! The one thing that would have made this a 5-star poem in my mind would be if the poem was either written in quatrains or if it was a bit longer. I would have liked to hear more.

Very nice piece. Good effort! Keep writing!

Invalid Photo #1045778




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: GC | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*



Hello Violet. I'm Dee, a member of the Newbies Academy Group.


*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

Genre - 10/10 Points

Your choice of genre is perfect for this tale. It definitely falls under paranormal. You could even combine it with the dark or ghost category as well.

Title/Description - 5/10 Points

Your title and description is the one area I believe you could create more interest and curiosity in order to hook a reader. The title hints at a paranormal story with the word ouija in it, but not necessarily enough to grab the reader from the start. Something in your description line could set the story up as well, it doesn't have to be the title that hooks. But the title, Not Another Ouija Story, almost sounds as though you are putting down your own story, and you shouldn't, because it's a *really* good story!

Story Setting/POV - 10/10 Points

All I know about the setting is that it takes place in "your neighborhood." The setting isn't actually pertinent to the story because the story could take place in any city or town and still be a good and entertaining tale. Although setting the story in a town could add more "flavor" to it if the story took place in a particular area with a local ghost story connected to it. As far as point-of-view, you made a great choice when deciding to use the first person POV. It gives a much more intimate feeling and makes me feel like I'm standing beside the narrator. I believe the choice of POV created much of the tension in the story. Nice work!

Plot - 20/20 Points

I enjoyed the plot. The plot of John Burlow just being one of the gang, frightening his friends, becoming obsessed with the ouija board, and finally being hospitalized in a mental institution later in his life, is really quite an entertaining piece. I especially liked how you started the story focusing on him, even though you were narrating. It added the element of personal experience from the narrator's POV, and made the story quite intense, in a subtle way, if that makes sense to you. Basically, I felt like you did an excellent job of creating tension and suspense while keeping me on the edge of my seat waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop and learn what happens to John.

The ending of this story surprised me. It was an excellent resolution, and befitting someone who most people thought was crazy, but the reader knows him to be possessed. Very good work with the end of the tale, especially the part about him being trapped not having said "goodbye." Excellent!

Characters - 15/20 Points

The only other area that could use a bit more "showing" or more information is in about characters themselves. John Barlow is the one character we know the most about, and even that is limited, but the narrator is a mystery. Not much is known about the narrator other than their family situation. I assume your narrator is male, but I don't know that, and it could be a female. Not quite enough information here.

Dialogue - 9/10 Points

The dialogue, as far as the statements the characters made sounded like real conversations people would have and was handled well. The language and questions were appropriate for the characters, and the dialogue certainly moved the plot and the story forward, but I didn't see any differences in the actual speech between your character and Kristen, as far as voice inflections, differences in word usage, slang, or voice. They sounded the same to me.

The Overall Feeling - 10/10 Points

The overall feeling throughout the story is a dark and tense. I even felt an evil presence created by the atmosphere and the fear John put into his friends. We don't see it, we don't hear it, but we *feel* it. Very good work creating atmosphere through the piece.

Punctuation/Grammar - 9/10 Points

There were a few punctuation marks missing, but nothing that detracted from my enjoyment of the story, although you will want to run it through a grammar/punctuation check more than once to be sure to catch "the little things." Just remember, don't sweat the small stuff...those are the easy things to fix. *Smile*

*Star* FINAL COMMENTS *Star*

The readability factor is also very well done. Easy to comprehend at the right grade level, and proper verbiage for an easy and entertaining read. This is an important point in storytelling, and you did a fine job with the readability of your piece.

I really enjoyed this paranormal tale. Although it had some familiar elements to it, it still came off as suspenseful throughout. I gave it an 88/4-stars. You've got a fantastic start. Keep writing!

                              Invalid Photo #1044919


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of WITCH DOCTOR  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


Hello S.z. I thought I would review your newest poem since you were kind enough to review mine!

*StarV* MY THOUGHTS *StarV*

I chose to review Witch Doctor because I've always been fascinated by Africa and its diverse cultures. I have never heard anyone speak of witch doctors, (other than in movies), so I was very curious to read your poem about them. If I understood your poetry correctly, the theme of this piece is to use common sense and not to trust a witch doctor's potions over modern medicine.

Witch Doctor has a dark tone, which you noted in the type of poem it is. I believe you could certainly qualify it as cultural as well since it shows the darker, more ancient ways of the past and how it steals common sense about modern medicine from people. Its tone rightly mocks witch doctors for using trickery on people, and the tone is perfect for this message! Nice work with tone and feeling. It adds so much to the words and images.

The mood seems to have a sense of indifference to it. It's almost as though the author is simply informing the reader of a problem in the country while at the same time, the author shows a sense of frustration with people for being tricked by witch doctor potions.

Your poem begins with a statement by you showing the problem, the child groaning that the mother must deal with, and how their first thought is that the child must be possessed or bewitched, as she runs off to the witch doctor. You state the issue from the first sentence and continue to show the problem all the way through the end the piece. This is consistent and keeps the focus on the issue--the idea that witch doctors keep people from seeing real doctors and medicine that can help.

I found it interesting that you show the problem of witch doctors continues today, and that we shouldn't be fooled into using ancient medicine, we must even be careful about using prescribed drugs (or pharmaceuticals) today. Good point and well made!

The philosophy of the poem seems to be of a more pessimistic nature, with regard to people and their irrational beliefs.

While the poem does have an easy occasional rhyme to it, I believe you are using free verse for the particular style of poetry. I like the flow and symmetry. It feels comfortable and is an easy read. It also had several instances of alliteration, like mother/moaned, been/bewitched, etc. Even the few uses of assonance like such/yucky, held/her, no/moaned, etc. makes the sound roll off the tongue.

*StarV* FINAL COMMENTS *StarV*

I enjoyed your poem and your poetry. It's unique, with very unusual subjects!

         Dee

A group name sig for WDC Power to use in their reviews




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Come Back Mommy  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*



Hello Jaylin. I'm Dee, a member of the Newbies Academy Group, and I'll be reviewing your story, "Come Back Mommy."

*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

Genre - 10/10 Points

You chose mystery, thriller, and suspense for your genre categories. The mystery and suspense work very well, due to the circumstances Allegra faces through her ordeal. I don't know if I'd use thriller in your category choices. While thrillers are usually defined by the mood they create such as feelings of suspense, excitement, surprise, etc., (your story certainly has these emotions), thrillers also tend to be stories about villains determined to destroy the hero or the world in general, many times involving death or murder. But mystery/suspense is spot on for this story!

Title/Description - 10/10 Points

The title gives me a good idea of the main character's situation--being left alone. It tells us basically who the story will be about and the general age of the character. The description gives me just enough information to make the story interesting and makes me want to see what the noise is and how the character handles it. The title and description add to the story without giving away the revelation at the end of it.

Story Setting - 9/10 Points

I know the setting takes place in Allegra's home, and somewhere that has mudslides, but other than those two facts, nothing else about where the story takes place is revealed. I don't really think it matters that we don't know exactly where it takes place since the story kept my interest without that knowledge, but it could give more credibility to a mudslide contributing to her being stuck inside if we knew where they lived.

Story Structure/POV - 8/10 Points

You used the third person limited POV and this is perfect for this story, as it adds to the suspense, seeing and hearing everything from Allegra's POV only. I happen to like Third Person Limited and Multiple POV's, so it was an enjoyable read. The story has structure, as it has a beginning, middle, and end, with a satisfying resolution to a problem. I did notice a couple of structure issues such as several adverbs, a few repeat sentence starts, and the sentence lengths. These are things that if tightened up, will make your very good story even more terrifying.

Plot - 10/10 Points

This ended up being a good, solid plot. I give you high marks for keeping me "in the dark" about the mudslide and Allegra's situation until the end of the story. At first, I thought this was going to be a poltergeist type of tale, but when the jackhammers kept coming into the picture, I realized it had to be some other situation. The plot held my interest through the end of the story.

Characters - 9/10 Points

I thought you did a pretty good job with the character of Allegra. She was shown to be a young, frightened child in several ways. One excellent example is her hugging mommy's pillow. An excellent way to "show" Allegra to us. Also, her language and the counting she did when she got scared. Again, you did a good job with her characterization. She had the right language and mannerisms of a child and was not flat or dull. I took one point off because I did think it was a bit strange that a six-year-old would know and understand what a jackhammer is. Perhaps, a very intelligent child would have this knowledge, but it seemed a little unusual.

Dialogue - 10/10 Points

As I mentioned, the dialogue was spot on for a child. You did a great job with her language and verbiage.

What Made Me Cheer - 10/10 Points

What made me cheer was the end of the story, when Allegra can see through the hole in the wall and the family is reunited, as I'm sure you designed it to make me feel. Again, great ending to a scary situation for a child!

The Overall Feeling - 10/10 Points

The overall feeling was frightening. I could feel Allegra's fear build throughout the story, all the way to the end when she was reunited with her parents. Good work!

Punctuation/Grammar - 10/10 Points

For the most part, punctuation and grammar were handled well.

*Star* FINAL COMMENTS *Star*

The readability factor is excellent! You hit it right on the head with the proper reading level. It was easy to read and comprehend for the largest amount of readers.

Good work with this story! I enjoyed the read and felt the suspense! I gave this a 96 and 4.5 stars.

                              Invalid Photo #1044919


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Slipstreams  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Hello T.L. I'm Dee, a member of the WDC Power Reviewers.

*StarV* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarV*

I found your poem, "Slipstreams," while searching the poetry category for something that caught my eye.

*StarV* MY THOUGHTS *StarV*

I chose your poem to review because I was interested in the subject. This is a good, descriptive poem about what it's like and how it feels to be homeless. This Title is intriguing and I believe I see why you chose it.

The Theme comes to life in my mind's eye, as the image of a slipstream, pulling something along behind it in a wake, is much like the homeless being pulled along, from city to city, in the shadows of real life.

Although the poem's Tone is somewhat "dark," due to the nature of the subject, the overall feeling tends to make me believe that the homeless are more resigned to their situation, even though they know they their lives are often in danger, and that they could die at any time. It makes me as a reader feel pain and sorrow for the ones that wander.

The Category you used looks like a free verse style, yet it has the rhyme of a quatrain, with an AA, BB rhyme scheme. If the lines are put together in a four-line stanza, it would fit the quatrain. I'm not sure if you were trying to follow a particular form or not, or if it was simply written with the AA, BB rhyme. Either way, it has a very urgent sound and feel to it. The Mood is one of concern and danger.

I thought the first two lines was an excellent way to start the beginning of the poem. By using words such as the sun, the palms, ice cream, dreams, and "visions of beyond," you used words that created a specific picture in my mind. They evoked images of a life beyond their capability to attain as a homeless person. Reading along, I felt as though the homeless saw all the wonderful things in life they never had or missed having. Very good beginning!

As you progressed through the poem, you showed me how difficult living on the streets are by using examples of the hardships and dangers. You also use contrast to show how even animals shouldn't live that way, and how death often comes to those who can't make it on the streets or tire from it, finally showing how the speaker has tired of it themselves. It's a pessimistic point of view from the speaker, and the poem creates an air of heavy sadness or burden.

Your use of Rhyme Scheme flows nicely and sounds easy to the ear. You've also used a good amount of Alliteration in the poem as well. I particularly liked the "sunbeams/slipstreams" and "black bats." You also had quite a few words that rhyme along with the AA/BB scheme, adding to the poem's flow.

I think this poem has a lot of Significance, in light of the fact that there are many homeless people on the streets today, and more joining their ranks every day. It is a cultural statement that most people don't like to think about, but should. It spawns many emotions within me because I personally know a couple of homeless individuals, and this poem speaks to many of the same things that they speak of.

*StarV* FINAL COMMENTS *StarV*

I enjoyed this poem very much, not because of the subject, but because of it's execution and style. It's admirable that you wrote a poem thinking about people in this situation. Good work with this poem!

Invalid Photo #1045778




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of My Little Star  
Review by Dee
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a beautiful poem, Jean! I don't think I've read one that gave such a heartwarming tribute to motherhood and child. You painted a lovely picture with your words that would put a smile on anyone's face while reading this.

I'm a newbie at poetry, but I can say this poem is very touching! The images you form with your words and feelings can be seen and felt by anyone who has eyes and a heart.

A worthy and wonderful first piece.
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Review of I: Wraith  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Jeremy, this is a review of Chapter One of your novel, "I: Wraith," that you won as part of your package in the Simply Positive Auction.

*StarY* STORY ELEMENTS *StarY*

Genre

The choice of the fantasy, sci-fi, and war genres are an interesting combo. While the fantasy and war elements of this story are clearly seen and understood from the first page of this chapter, the sci-fi aspect appears in two ways that I can tell. One, with regard to the rhenn energy, and two, with the creation of the world the story takes place in, and the Empire. However, from your writing, I am certain that other aspects of fantasy and science fiction will appear, and with the same clarity.

Title/Description

The title, "I: Wraith," is probably an appropriate one, but at this stage, I can't really tell because nothing I read in this first chapter gives me any indication of the meaning of the title, unless it is referring to the "wraiths" of energy from the rhenn or from "HE who grows stronger, who is in Isabarra's mind." If it refers to him, then it makes perfect sense.

The description line gives a hint of the problem, the conflict and the action to come. Either way, combined with the title, it will entice the reader's senses.

Story POV & Voice

I've always preferred Multiple POV's in a story or an epic as large as this. Multiple POV's create a lot of advantages in the telling of it, and in the action scenes. You move between Isabarra and Gennrik with no head hopping detected, and the POV flows well throughout. You used separate paragraphs for the viewpoint changes and they too flowed smoothly. In my opinion, you have an easy narration voice which makes reading this type of story much more enjoyable than some fantasy/sci-fi novels, whose voices have a more gritty sound to them.

Story Structure/Pacing/Tension

Chapter One has a beginning, middle, and end to it. You have set-up this chapter very well, introducing us to your main characters, either in "person" or in name, and you have told us of the main conflict they face through the tale. You've set your POV to be able to tell the story from more than one viewpoint, and that is always a good thing in a story such as this one. The structure seems to be solid from page one, and the chapter is wrapped up at the end of it with the hook, making me want to continue to the next chapter. Honestly, I don't see much of anything needed in this first chapter. It's as if this has been editing numerous times, to have such a fine point to it.

The pacing of this story starts a bit slower, but I do see the need for this because of its complexity. If you had tried to speed it up from the first word, it would have been a tougher read for me (again, because of the names, places, characters, etc, in a large epic). However, the pacing picks up considerably after the first few paragraphs and stays at a comfortable flow. The tension was good throughout the story, but it didn't increase until the last few paragraphs prior to the attack, yet even that felt "right." Commendable work here, Jeremy!

Plot/Setting

The setting is this sci-fi/fantasy world of Bhesen and the world of The Empire. You've created a complete world for this story, with cities, characters, and conflict that begins to come to life quite well in this first chapter, although I admit, it is a complex story. Remembering many names, places, and objects do require a bit of breathing space in order to absorb them into memory, so I benefitted by a second read through.

This is an intriguing plot. Without giving away the story, I will say that the idea of the rhenn and the Sarhenn that are skilled in its use, reminded me a bit of "The Force" and the Jedi, in some basic aspect. You *can't* go wrong with this. This type of story and it's overall feeling is what makes our spirits soar! It seems to be a story of hope and determination, along with the passion and honor of your characters that drives the tale. Within your plot lies this "boy" Isabarra speaks of, and his importance to their mission. The question of whether or not he will be able to command the rhenn in a more efficient way gives hints to the conflict they face. And will "HE" get the boy from Isabarra? I want to turn the page and find out.

Characters

There are already several characters introduced in this first chapter. Isabarra is perhaps the strongest of them. As a mystic and leader, I saw all the attributes necessary for her to be convincing as this person of Consal. Gennrik gives her a run for his money when it comes to being strong, loyal and level-headed. They are both excellent characters in every way. I was drawn to them both. And most importantly, they seem quite real, and I believed in them as people in the story, rather than a cardboard character with no life to them. You did a wonderful job with these two characters, no doubt!

You also interspersed the information about them within the paragraphs in an interesting way, and through dialogue. My curiosity about them was peaked. I saw no areas of straight info dump. And in the few areas you gave limited information, I was, as a reader, able to "fill in the blanks" using my own imagination. But of course, there were few blank areas.

Khemrissa was the only character that didn't seem fully exposed to me. In other words, she was real enough to me, but yet still lacked "something" Isabarra and Gennrik have. Probably because of her inexperience and youth causing me to feel that way, but I take it this was a technique you used so that she can evolve more intensely later.

Kivallen is the mystery. He is supposedly, "one of them," yet in some ways but their own descriptions of him, he seems like an enemy! Interesting, indeed. And the one who speaks to Isabarra in her mind, which I've called "HE or HIM" in this review, is the biggest mystery of all. Who is HE?

Dialogue

I have to say that the dialogue in this story is spot on for the characters. Each one sounds so natural and unique. I'd love to find something not so perfect to say about it, Jeremy, but quite frankly, this is one of the best uses of dialogue I've seen in a while. The dialogue on top of being life-like and realistic, really moves this plot forward without the bordom of info dump or over telling. Again, the only one I felt a little cheated on is Khemrissa. I know she doesn't know everything, and isn't supposed to yet, but she has said little in the way of the conflict they face. I would have loved to heard more from her, but I'm sure we will as we read on.

The Overall Feeling

Once again, the feeling I got while reading this was a feeling of loyalty to each other, and a united determination to remove the conflict in their world regarding "Him," the rhenn from the Empire's control, and even Kivallen's agenda. It is a bit "dark," if you will, at first, but as you read through the chapter, it becomes less oppressive and even a bit more hopeful, even in the midst of an attack. I know there will be more dark moments, but I can see light at the end of this fight.

Punctuation/Grammar

I saw nothing in the way of grammatical errors or missing punctuation. I didn't nit pick and look at every line in detail to see if there were any, but nothing grabbed my attention in this manner, so, well done. Your story "looks" clean.

*StarY* FINAL COMMENTS *StarY*

I liked that you didn't use the "he said/she said" speech tags, and that you used qualifying remarks upon occasion. This really moves the story along in a wonderful pace and flow. I think the non-usage of speech tags is understated. As with all your description, it is vivid and well written. But again, I personally prefer a little less. Less is more in my book.

All I can say is, I don't usually read this type of story, YET, it was an excellent read and a compelling one at that! I'm interested in these characters and their problems. And that's not an easy thing to get me to say since my reading tastes are a bit different within these categories.

This shows a lot of time and effort went into this writing. Great work here!
Invalid Photo #1045954


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of NOT ENOUGH  
Review by Dee
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very well done, Angus! I think you've said it all...well, you and Dionne Warwick! *Smile* I could relate to everything you spoke about, especially the part about Vietnam, the war and it's vets, and about how people have been treating each other badly in recent years.

I have met many people who've expressed your sentiments around the country, and I just wanted to say, you're not alone in the way you feel. Your suggestion about complimenting a stranger is a wonderful idea, and it costs no one a cent, other than a bit of consideration. I loved that idea!

Again, good job with this piece!
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Review of Family Secrets  
Review by Dee
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Invalid Photo #1047547

Hello CanImagine. I'm Dee, and I'll be reviewing your story, Family Secrets.

*StarY* HOW I FOUND YOU *StarY*

I found your story after seeing your name in the Newbies Academy Showcase Forum for February. Congratulations!

Chapter One:

*Star* STORY ELEMENTS *Star*

Genre - 10/10 Points

You chose fantasy, romance, and war as your genres for this story. I believe you chose well since the healing aspect could certainly come under fantasy, and the implied romance to come is clear between Lindsy and Andrew, as well as the story itself revolving around war. I've always found romance and war work well together. The genres are an interesting mix.

Title/Description Line - 9/10 Points

The title, Family Secrets, does infer the main premise of the story, a secret being kept hidden from outsiders, yet doesn't give away the secret itself. Good work making me curious. I would comment that while it is a good title, I wonder if something along the line of your fantasy genre choice could be implemented into the title to make the secret a bit more mysterious and more enticing to me as a reader. However, to keep the mystery and surprise of Lindsy's abilities, I would not mention being a witch in the description line. It, rather than the title, gave away the secret before the read.

Story Setting & Format - 10/10 Points

The story setting takes place at some point in the distant past, although I don't know when exactly. It seems to be during a time when the Inquisition would take someone away for their powers or abilities. This setting alone makes for conflict to arise for a women heroine. You have a chapter format, and this first one is long enough to begin to get a feel for the characters, yet not so long as to forget the information and the details of the chapter. So good work with your format. As a reader, I don't particularly enjoy very long chapters, and I prefer a breather in between the action.

Plot/Hook - 9/10 Points

The plot of your story is an interesting one, like others where witches were burned at the stake for their "sorcery." Your story about Lindsy's healing ability does make for terror, wonder, and conflict, although to make it different from other witchcraft stories, you will need a twist or something unique to make it stand out. You have a great start with her father teaching her knife throwing and how to defend herself.

You have the backdrop of the story take place during wartime, so I assume Lindsy and Andrew will be meeting again and rekindling their romance, although I assume this, since this first chapter doesn't actually show that happening. The premise of the story holds my interest, but I don't find that this chapter has that all important, and grabbing hook yet, even though I know the hook is actually "the secret."

It's a very well-written chapter, and it holds my interest enough to want to know more about what will happen to Lindsy, Andrew, and her father. However, the chapter ended without pulling me into the story hard. But don't get me wrong, despite that, I feel it's a very good story, although I would need something important to happen to continue reading through the second chapter.


Characters & Dialogue - 10/10 Points

Your use of characterization and dialogue with Lindsy and her father was perfect. They sounded distinctly different and had their own tones and attitudes, although they weren't described physically at this point. I couldn't really get an image of Lindsy. Andrew's attributes were a bit different. Most of his mannerisms and outward appearance were shown, but anything revealed came from his memories, since there was little dialogue with him in this chapter. However they were revealed, you have no cardboard characters in this story, and their use of language, voice, and speech are uniquely different from each other. Nice work with characterization.

The Overall Feeling - 10/10 Points

This story has a bit of mystery to it and some dark overtones of the time and due to war. The mystery being Lindsy's abilities, which we still don't know exactly what they are in this first chapter. And the dark overtones being the fact that the village is equipped with an Inquisition that would remove someone who displayed witchcraft, supernatural or other unheard of abilities, much like the dark ages. Yet, at the same time, it has a few wonderful moments, where you feel the warmth, love, and respect between the characters, and how loyalty and trust plays a role in this village. Your writing is very detailed and descriptive, so I get a good feel for the environment and the people who live there in general.

Pacing/Flow - 10/10 Points

The pacing and flow is just right. Everything read smoothly, and flowed well, with no bumps or abrupt sentences or structure. And the details in the writing were not so many that it slowed the reading process. You did a great job with this.

The Most Memorable Part - 10/10 Points

This is easy! The most memorable part is your opening line. When the father nicks her ear with the knife, I was intrigued. I wondered why he was throwing a knife at or near her. Great opening!

What I Noticed - 10/10 Points

I would have to say that when you switched to Andrew's POV, I felt more sadness in his thoughts and expectation of the future. His memories of the past were beautiful, but he seemed to display negative feelings about the war and his life. I got the impression that he wanted a family and a life with Lindsy but didn't believe it would happen. This feeling was in opposition to how Lindsy comes across when dealing with the war and those injured by it. Nice contrast.

Punctuation/Grammar - 10/10 Points

I saw nothing that pulled me away from the story. Everything looks pretty much spot on here! Good job.

*Star* FINAL COMMENTS *Star*

You wanted to know if this story seems interesting enough to continue with. I would say, yes, definitely. You have the potential for an exceptional story, depending on what direction you take it and how well you execute that direction. I think your skill for descriptive writing is exemplary. I loved reading what you wrote. I gave it a 98 out of 100. The biggest thing for me (as an adventure fan), is the plot and the hook. For me, I need something really hard to pull my attention or something very unusual or intriguing. So the point off in the Plot/Hook area isn't something you should worry about. It's more of a preference with me. For many readers, you've got an excellent hook established already.

Good luck with your projects!


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