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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Great things are begun. I hope my little donation helps.
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Review of Within  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow, the changes you made made this piece absolutely perfect. Thank you for the opportunity to work with you. This piece deserves all the stars possible! Bravo.


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Review of One Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very wise man named Abe Lincoln said,"Most people are as happy as they make up their mind to be." He was given to periods of Melancholy.

I am living proof that constantly wondering if the grass is really greener on the other side of the fence; is a good way to waste a lot of precious time.

I think that if you select a path, then stick to it, each time you change paths you must start over. You can be happy on any path you take with vigor, a spring in your step, and a resolution not to compare your choice with could haves.

Best of luck to you. Believe in yourself too, you can do what ever you choose. If circumstances force you to change paths, you have someone who cares on your side, and the experience of starting before, know you can do it again, if you must.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
In Louisiana you would Sashay on by. I would be the old man on the corner playing the flute, and appreciating the works of art by our creator. I have thought at times that my smile of appreciation might be interpreted as a leer. Definitely not what is on this old mind. I do appreciate a slow Sashay by a pretty girl. I like this poem. It brought a smile to my face on a cold gray day. Thanks.


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Review of Dukkha  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I feel like I missed something important when reading this poem out loud. There are multi levels of communication in this little piece. I am glad I took the time to look at it more than once. I think the poet sacrificed the smoothness which this poem could have had. I recommend using a Thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary. English has many ways of saying the same thing. There is a basic music which will show itself when just the right words come to you. I was told a long time ago by an wonderful English Teacher that poetry is the language of the heart, that it should flow smoothly, and that it should linger like a taste of honey. I realize all poems absolutely can't meet all these standards, yet part of me looks for that kind of perfection. I admit I can't always find it even in my own work. It does, however, give me something for which to strive.


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Review of At Last  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. This recieved five readings aloud. To me that is the supreme test of poetry. Some lines do not blend well with the next sound wise.
I know there are exceptions to every rule. So I make an exception here because the messages are poignant. They touch the heart with grace.

All rules are made to be broken and I feel this one broke the rules with the most finesse I have ever seen.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Interesting bit of poetry. Food for thought. Some lines are much better than others. I feel that the piece lacks a coherent rhythym scheme which would have made it outstanding,. I definitely is a cut above aveage so I'll rate it a 4.


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Review of I Seek You  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
You are constantly improving. There are still minor problems due to thinking in one language and writing in another. These are minor problems when one considers the essence of this wonderful story. I believe in such things, there is far more in heaven and on earth than the human mind can begin to comprehend.

I am going to say this, Your story is great, but a little editing polish in places would make it magnificant.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Is the pale lipped lover a vampire in need of blood? There is the possibility that the lover is a vampire that steals hearts and souls and leaves but a tortured shell where once a human dwelt.

Some how too, this reminds me of a song, Summer Wine, "She took my watch and chain, a dollar and a dime, and left me craving for more summer wine"

There are so many ways to wind up short when it comes to love. This subject is constant fuel for poems, stories, and works of art.

The only way I know to trancend this state is to avoid the concepts of need, and expectation.


"The ultimate manifestation of Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results.".( I do not know who the wize person was who said this. I have heard it frequently even frrom a pulpit.)

The most meaningful word in that sentence is EXPECTING.

When I put gas into my car, I have been lead to believe that I can expect to get a certain distance before I need to refill my tank. Unfortunately relationships do not obey the laws of physics. Action does not result in equal and opposite reaction. Relationships transcend physical law.

If I sit across the table from you. If I reach across and wipe a tear from your eye it is because I love without regard for payback. I give Freely of necessity because I can not hold all the love I feel inside my body. Love is not intended to be kept as a possession, Misers can not hoard love.
Gold is cold metal, has no warmth and brings nothing of value to a relationship. It is in giving love away without expectation that we find fullfillment. There is no need to need. I accept what is freely given, and give what is freely accepted. What can be greater than this?

I hope that this train of thought, inspired by your poem, will carry you to a peaceful place


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Review of Dolphin  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
In poetry there exists something called Poetic Liscense. You could probably find 5000 different ideas of what that means here.

Poems to me are meant to be read aloud. The ear perceives what the eye can never see. When you read as yourself does this flow smoothly over my tongue? I once had a teacher who said "A great poem lingers on the lips like a taste of Tupelo Honey."

Is the poem clear? is it lyrical? are the images powerful? Does the poet share their feelings with the reader?

Repetition can be good, or it can induce a feeling of "ENOUGH ALREADY" There is a fine line that is very hard to see.

This poem makes me remember sitting for hours watching dolphins play in the bow wave of the Air Craft Carrier where I spent almost three years in the Pacific. Sometimes I knew they could see me and were playing while entertaining their audience.

I think rhyme would help this poem. A rhyming dictionary is indispensable for a poet. paperbacks are inexpensive and ever so useful

I think "Litany of the Dolphin" could be extremely powerful. Study on that. I look forward to seeing the direction your efforts take.


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Review of Old Mother Sea  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a subject which allows a wealth of ways to describe the sea. I like your images but there are a few things which I will point out. Some are things which detract from your poem, others are ?? possibly useable possibly not. Ultimately this piece is yours to do as you wish.

I welcome you to WDC. It is a great place to learn new things and polish our craft. We have a wide variety of people here from PHDs in English from respected Universities; and we have dropouts who use english as a second language. Does Education make one feel more deeply? Does lack of education render the author incapable of feeling? I certainly do not think so, yet a reviewer is supposed to use a one size fits all rating scale.

Another problem with the scale is some reviewers really do not understand what the purpose of a review. Stars are applied and witheld with mimimum attention to what is meant. I for one refuse to sprinkle stars to make someone feel good. I feel like my job as reviewer is to offer the very best advice of which I am capable. We all are here to learn from each other.

To that end, here goes!

Old Mother Sea Mother Sea is a proper title and should be capitalized throughout.
******************

Old Mother (S) sea

You shine under an (illuminate) moon (you used the verb form rather than adjective (illuminated)

You live between earth and sky

Reflecting(the) colours (under) Father Sun (I would suggest changing under to (of) The sun is the source of what we perceive as color)

Our magical lives have just began
**
Old Mother S) sea

You gave birth to the first wave

In your wisdom we were born

You are the essence of our (homely) place (this is technically correct but reflects an archaic usage of homely) (You define our rightful place???)

Of ancient ones in their holy space
**
Old Mother (S)sea

The essence of present time

The sunsets of past lives

The (drawn) of perfect rhyme (drawn is past tense verb) (try dawn (beginning)

Your (sea) will survive (sea is getting repetitious) Experiment try tide, Ocean,
**
Old Mother sea

You are the freedom of what is now (You are the definition of now??) You are freedom??

You are the joy of what is to be free (You are joy)? ??)

You are the hope of what is future (You are the hope of what is to be

You are one of nature’s overtures (You are Natures Symphony?) more lyrical and means music?? Maybe that would work.

I suggest a thesaurus, Synonyms and Antonyms, A dictionary, Rhyming dictionary, and last but surely not least a dictionary of English Usage.

Armed with those tools, and a willingness to use them will help you get a great start of where you want to be.

Good luck. I frequently come back and check to see if a piece has improved, I raise the score acccordingly.


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Review of Morning Walk  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
More punch in your opening is imporant. When you are writing a very short piece every word, letter, and punctuation mark take on added signicance.

I offer this little rewrite for you to have something different to look at while you edit your piece. Most authors are myopic when it comes to their own work as the natural thing is to see the story you have in mind rather than what you have written. Your presentation is scattered short thought fragments.

Think about smooth blended thoughts that carry the reader from A to B.

This is my take on this piece. This is but one of at least 2 dozen ways it could be rewritten. Ultimately it is your piece, you need to discover what works best for you.

Morning, I rise early, offer prayer and then walk for exercise. It is calm and quiet, filled with scent of life (in the forest?) and the songs of birds. it is a time of refreshing body and mind.

Feeling, words that describe things like (gentle breeze on your face, or the scent of a field of wildflowers, the songs of waking birds, the song of the wind through the trees, cool water from a stream crossing your bare feet, the feel of velvety moss as you walk across a boulder.) See what depth a simple little paragraph can have.

I will come back and see what you choose to do with this. I will raise your rating score as I see improvement.

I hate being forced to a standard scale that applies to English PHDs and high school dropouts who use english as a second language. Somehow that does not strike me as totally fair.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)

The shorter a piece is, the more important each word becomes. This is very short, and I am sure that has been criticised. I think your message is clear the visuals are poignant. I find no fault with your message or your presentation. If any one gives you guff, remind them that haiku is short and you share clarity with short poetic forms.

The criterion shared by stories, and poems is simply this, the message is a feeling or a progression of feelings.

English is irritating, and at times irrational, but it shares something with a meadow filled with wildflowers. Each word, each flower is different, has its own qualities which patience reveals to the seeker. We select by its unique scent or the exact nuance exactly what is in our heart. It matters not that the dictionary or the meadow is a hodge podge of color or words of different origins. Exisactly what we need is right in front of us.

Poetry is expressed in the language of the soul, or heart. The shorter a poem is the more important each word becomes. I had the good fortune to be
exposed to poetry at an early age. A very special teacher opened the doors to a whole other world for her students. A poem, she said," should flow smoothly like a clear mountain stream. I learned not to read witth my eyes, but to read with my ear allowing me to feel the beat of the poets heart.
"Another important test," she said, "Is an excellent poem will linger on the tongue like a taste of Tupelo Honey."

I really like this poem.


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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
Each review I make of short items stresses that: THE SHORTER A PIECE IS THE MORE IMPORTANT EACH WORD BECOMES!

I HATE contest restrictions. 100 words? Very tough at best. Even keeping that in mind I think you certainly could have made this an outstanding rather than a barely average piece.

You switch charecters at least three times in this short piece. It is not clear who is who. Who's nose is offended. Who got hit by the pie?

"Regretfully, consciousness sought escape from gastly gases." Some unknown person is thinking this???? It seems a waste of words in a story so short. It lends nothing to the story or to clarity. It an interjection of a narrator who was not prevviously present.

I am not intending to come off as a curmudgeon, however at times this old man of 71 feels he must tell a writer what he really thinks.

It has been my experience that there are a lot of well-meaning STAR SPRINKLERS in the ranks of reviewers.

It is my contention that undeserved high ratings not only contribute nothing except inflated ideas of how well we have done on a particular piece. This discourages a writer from improving because they get the idea "Hey I do not need improvement. LOOK AT ALL MY STARS!"

An honest in depth review requires emotional attachment and sometimes a thick skin, as all authors and poets are sensitive people or they wouldn't wriite.
I feel the message because I am tuned to look in depth at what I read. As a rule of thumb I read what I review aloud, then have it read to me. The ear reveals what the eye is not able to see.

The criterion shared by stories, and poems is simply this: They are written to convey a message. Sometimes the message is a feeling or a progression of feelings.

English is irritating, and at times irrational, but it shares something with a meadow filled with wildflowers. Each word, each flower is different, has its own qualities which patience reveals to the seeker. We select by its unique scent or the exact nuance exactly what is in our heart. It matters not that the dictionary or the meadow is a hodge podge of color or words of different origins. Exactly what we need is right in front of us. If we take the time to find it.

Now about ratings, I HATE RATINGS. The same scale applies to PHDs and to high school dropouts. Does more education necessarily impart an ability to feel that less educated writers do not have? I do not think so! A writer has to have something inside which forces them to write. They must feel things deeply. The trick is taking your reader by the hand, hair, or neck, and share your feelings exactly as they are played out on the screen of your mind.

I sincerely hope that I have made a small contribution to you, and that you will be a better writer for the experience.


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Review of No Tears  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
An honest in depth review requires emotional attachment and sometimes a thick skin, as all authors and poets are sensitive people or they wouldn't wriite.
I feel the message because I am tuned to look in depth at what I read. As a rule of thumb I read what I review aloud, then have it read to me. The ear reveals what the eye is not able to see.

The criterion shared by stories, and poems is simply this, They are written to convey a message. Sometimes the message is a feeling or a progression of feelings.

English is irritating, and at times irrational, but it shares something with a meadow filled with wildflowers. Each word, each flower is different, has its own qualities which patience reveals to the seeker. We select by its unique scent or the exact nuance exactly what is in our heart. It matters not that the dictionary or the meadow is a hodge podge of color or words of different origins. Exactly what we need is right in front of us.

Poetry is expressed in the language of the soul, or heart. The shorter a poem is the more important each word becomes. I had the good fortune to be
exposed to poetry at an early age. A very special teacher opened the doors to a whole other world for her students. A poem, she said," should flow smoothly like a clear mountain stream. I learned not to read witth my eyes, but to read with my ear allowing me to feel the beat of the poets heart.
"Another important test," she said, "Is an excellent poem will linger on the tongue like a taste of Tupelo Honey."
A poem, since it is a form of writing, of necessity has to convey a message of some kind, otherwise it is random letters on the screen.

I would like to stress that your rythym was fair and although the presentation (specific word order, and word choice) could have been improved. I liked your images and feelings you share with your reader, however small changes could have preserved rhythym and still would have made your presentation more colorful, so to speak.

I will make a couple suggestions, This is only the opinion of a 71 year old who is motivated to help everyone I review reach perfection.

1. to and too are not interchangeable. Everyone I know slips on this once and awhile.

2. When you set a rhyme and rhythym pattern stay with it. Or write in free verse where those things are not as important.

3.I didn't want to hurt (adding you to this line gives it balance and presents a good opportunity for rhyme.

4 "my heart etc could easily be replaced with something like (or tocause you pain)

5 My heart is so true
I'm sorry for your fears

There are so many ways to lend lyrical sounds to poetry. It gives all of us something to shoot for.

Ratings,

This scale lends itself to star sprinklers, who do not understand that reviews are not just to make someone feel good about what they have written.
We are all here to LEARN from each otther. Unfortunately a PHD and a high school share the same rating scalee.

Does a lot of education mean that someone is better at feeling deeply than someone who is fluent in the language of the Street?

I think not. I am rating your piece on what I see, and hear. Your message could be so much stronger, and beautiful. I frequently come back and look at what I reviewed. If I see efforts to improve a piece I raise the rating accordingly. As is I feel the best I can rate this is dead average. That does not mean I do not see the feelings and emotions that lead to its creation.

Keep writing and remember perfection, though often missed, is well worth striving for.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my thoughts.

these two lines have abandoned your rhythym and are difficult to rhyme. pain has a mountain of words that rhyme



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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Author in the Spotlight  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An honest in depth review requires emotional attachment and sometimes a thick skin, as all authors and poets are sensitive people or they wouldn't wriite.

The criterion shared by stories, and poems is simply this, They are written to convey a message. Sometimes the message is a feeling or a progression of feelings.

English is irritating, and at times irrational, but it shares something with a meadow filled with wildflowers. Each word, each flower is different, has its own qualities which patience reveals to the seeker. We select by its unique scent or the exact nuance exactly what is in our heart. It matters not that the dictionary or the meadow is a hodge podge of color or words of different origins. Exactly what we need is right in front of us.

Poetry is expressed in the language of the soul, or heart. The shorter a poem is the more important each word becomes. I had the good fortune to be
exposed to poetry at an early age. A very special teacher opened the doors to a whole other world for her students. A poem, she said," should flow smoothly like a clear mountain stream. I learned not to read witth my eyes, but to read with my ear allowing me to feel the beat of the poets heart.
"Another important test," she said, "Is an excellent poem will linger on the tongue like a taste of Tupelo Honey."
A poem, since it is a form of writing, of necessity has to convey a message of some kind, otherwise it is random letters on the screen.

I would like to stress that your rythym was good, and although the presentation (specific word order, and word choice) could have been improved. I liked your images and feelings you share with your reader, however small changes could have preserved rhythym and still would have made your presentation more colorful, so to speak.

So let me make some small suggestions, bearing in mind we are much different people and as a result would choose to use different language to express out feelings. We would pick different boquets from the meadow.

blankets entwined by the window (a nest of blankets entwined)
her suppressed nest of regret
rain drips down creating tears (rain drops leave tear streaks)
upon the unclear window pane

moonlight's soft glow peers within
unable to bring desire's comfort (unable to bring desired comfort)
physical suffering fades away ( I would exchange the order of these
with each week's slow passing two lines) "with each....passing"
"physical ......away"

her mental anguish lingers
trapped in (the reel of memories) (an endless loop of memories)
repetition reopens wounds
injuries unable to heal (renders injuries ...heal)

the episode reaches its end
for the fourth time this month ( I would move this line)
tears dry in a brief moment
she lingers still in the nest
ready to press repeat
( for the fourth time this month)

your thoughts are valid, and touch my heart. My desire is to enable you to say exactly what is in your heart in the most poignant manner.

You can accept these suggestions, or invent better ones yourself. I want you to make this piece as good as your thoughts deserve!

thank you for the opportunity to review this piece.


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Review of Love Becomes Real  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
English is irritating, and at times irrational, but it shares something with a meadow filled with wildflowers. Each word, each flower is different, has its own qualities and with patience reveals its unique scent and allows for the exact nuance a poet needs to say exactly what is in their heart. It matters not that the dictionary or the meadow is a hodge podge of color or words of different origins.

Poetry is expressed in the language of the soul, or heart. The shorter a poem is the more important each word becomes. I had the good fortune to be
exposed to poetry at an early age. A very special teacher opened the doors to a whole other world for her students. A poem, she said," should flow smoothly like a clear mountain stream. I learned not to read witth my eyes, but to read with my ear allowing me to feel the beat of the poets heart.
"Another important test," she said, "Is an excellent poem will linger on the tongue like a taste of Tupelo Honey."
A poem, since it is a form of writing, of necessity has to convey a message of some kind, otherwise it is random letters on the screen.

I would like to stress that your rhyme, and rythym were good, and although the presentation (specific word order, and word choice) could have been improved. I liked your images and feelings you share with your reader, however small changes could have preserved rhyme and made your presentation more colorful, so to speak.

Please know it is an honor to review this piece. I am somewhat in a quandry as to how I should rate this. We use the same scale for phds as we use for High School dropouts. One size definitely does not fit all. Since I know very little about you I will err on the side of generosity.


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Review of Sweetheart  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wouldn't it be nice if everyone understood the subtlietiess we labor over.

This poem is exactly what is advertised. You explained well what you were after and then went for it. You did a more than credible job.

I am somewhat at odds with forced forms, especially when it detracts from the message. This was not the case with your poem. As always there are
minor tradeoffs which have to be done to stay within the constraints of form. You appeared to do it without strain or appearing forced. Your piece is as smooth and as easy to read as any good poem,and you stayed true to form. GOOD JOB!
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Review of Day 17 - 2.12.13  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I must admit that the following bit sent me on a hunt through three of my Dictionaries.

I breathe in the
very heart of you:
hales mingle - become we.

I take it from the structure that hale is used as a noun here. I found similar listings in my Oxford, My New World, and my ancient Webster's.

hale is listed as an adjective (of an old person) strong and healthy.
I have heard hale and hearty as long as I can remember. Did you do this on purpose?

For the most part the flow is smooth, words slide easily off the tongue, and like an old teacher said "excellent poetry lingers like the taste of tupelo honey on the tongue.

Since we are very different people, me with little formal education in English, and you a person of letters: We would choose different words to say the same things. English is the most irrational and irritating language, yet it's words are as beautiful as a medow filled with wild flowers. We can pick just the right one that has the scent and color we need to convey a thought!

I hope that you do not feel that this is harsh. Your message and thoughts are exqusitly beautiful but ... I really believe this piece can be much more than it is now. "just one old curmudgeon's opinion."


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Review of My Blood Red Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I reviewed my reviews and find I made a mistake rating this piece.
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Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This piece touches deeply that place where we hide our real selves from others. That you were able to touch that so poignantly with so few words is a real feat. I am old and set in my ways I find the constraints of most contests more than a little constricting. I use the term extrudied work, it signifies a work that forced through a die of rules and limitations that causes loss of meaning and form because of those constraints.

This is an outstanding example of what can be accomplished in only a few words. My Hat is off to you !

Moarzjasac


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Review of My Blood Red Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
You have exceeded all expectations with this poem. Every word is perfect in short poems each word has added significance. This is so very smooth when I read it aloud, no bumps, it has the consistancy of Tupelo Honey and lingers on my lips long after I finish. This is exactly what a poem is meant to be, a perfect expression in the language of the soul.

Hats off to you!

d


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Review of Finding Your Muse  Open in new Window.
Review by Moarzjasac Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this piece. I found it with random review function in the left column of the WDC Homepage. The title grabbed me and I thought, My Muse, A muse, any muse, when suffering from mental block, I would give anything for a visit from any muse.

The best way to allow my muse to find me, is to reach that magical place between the land of wakefulness and the land of sleep, It is ever the same, I find myself walking up a path that meanders alongside a flowing stream. I turn abruptly and am confronted with a smal ti'pi' made from elk hides. I know he is close and when I am ready he will come to me. Sometimes he comes alone, sometimes he brings characters from far flung corners of this earth.

Two Feathers is always the same. His face is ageless, and is beyond aging any more, it is wrinkled from exposure to the elements and the lines of wisdom on his face reveal many sides to his personality. When he smiles he reveals how worn down his teeth are. The smile is usually because I have ammused him by asking a question with an answer that would be obvious if I were to trust my native ability instead of beating it down with white logic. Two feathers has powerful medicine I have seen visions of how it was before, and visions of how it may be. The future is always a forked road, It has many turns and many possible outcomes. Past is how it was and can not ever change. "To attempt to change the visions of the past is ultimate delusion," Two Feathers.

He sits on a Ta'tonka robe which always has a few inches of air between it an the damp earth beneath. He always camps on the edge of a quiet pool
almost an acre in size. It is for this pool he named me. "Quiet pool" I will always be to him and those he brings who want me to tell their stories.

I have met others here who seemed doubtful that I can tell their stories. Two Feathers always assures them that I am "The teller of stories, the memory of the people, and a friend to all.

As I fancy myself to be your friend I will point out something small which tells me you grew up around uneducated people, as did I. they left indelible marks on us for which we can compensate but it will sneak out when we least expect it. " Sometimes she is there when I wake up of a morning." Using "of" here is a mark, Proper English is "in the morning." it is proper to use colloquial expressions when you are writing for an uneducated audience. It is not proper to mix them. NO Biggie. I frequently hear "on accident" used around here even in schools by "educated" teachers. i do not know how it became on accident rather than by accident? Do you know?

I am somewhat of a stogey old curmudgeon who feels that it is important to be crystal clear about even small things when I write. I will be spending countless hours editing and correcting my port.

You said, "Without knowledge of one’s authentic self find(ing) the muse is difficult." This is so true. I fequently use an outline especially on longer pieces. I know I will not finish at one sitting, so i use my outline like a roadmap to reach story's end.

Again I really like this piece. A very small amount of polishing would pay large dividends.


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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This poem has a certain musical quality to it. There is one small change I offer for your consideration. In the line which ends with "like dough of yeast"
if you change of to (from) it preserves continuity and provides a smoother (in my opinion) way of saying the same thing,

"a buoyant tune now bops" (this word choice does not necessarily follow the classical nature of the event it describes) consider (sings as an alternative. There are numerous rhyming words ie. wings, brings, strings, and things which could be fit in with a little work. The sudden relatively modern word jerked me from one era to another. You are the author and the final choice is of course yours.

"Though each a single drink, demands the bill?" I have been to many Italian Weddings at some realatives paid for the wine. Recently I went to one where there was a flat charge to keep your wine glass full.

If you want to keep the idea of each guest paying his bill then consider this alternative. (Though each single drinker demands his bill) It says essentially the same thing in a (smoother way in my opinion)

It is not my intention, to tear up your poem, I only offer the product of listening to this piece read aloud. Poetry to me is definitely meant to be read aloud.
Having ear and eye working together sometimes shows even minor pitfalls encountered when pushing a poem through an extruder to have a certain form. I think sometimes the music of the poem is sacrificed in the endeavor to force a form.

I am not suggesting that form is not an elegant polish with which to complete a poem. I believe that English being the powerful beautiful language it is, offers many ways to put our message out there for our reader and still preserve a form I am 71 years old, have much experience writing, traveling and living. I recently experienced a close encounter with death. No longer will I sprinkle stars to make people feel good. I intend to share my viewpoint with each person I review.

Over fifty-five years ago I had a teacher who took me to an entirely unfamiliar place. It was filled with wonderful sound and the music of the soul. She read aloud some amazing poetry. That year our class traveled in adolescent imagination, to the far points of the world. I appreciate that experience. She compared the flow of a poem to a clear mountain stream, and reading it to a taste of Tupelo Honey that lingers on the tongue long after the poem is finished. It is something for which to strive.

You may not agree with this old curmudgeon, that is ok, in fact necessary as part of a mutual learning experience that is WDC.Thank you for writing this poem, and the opportunity to offer my self educated approach to poetry for your examination. I am not and never will be a man of letters time for that is long past, but I learn each time I read here. Isn't WDC wonderful?

When an author takes advice and uses my fix or invents a better one of their own. If I see an effort to improve a piece, I sneak back in and upgrade a rating if I can see hard work in progress. Sometimes the flow is natural, easy and not something which requires strain to complete. For those moments I am very thankful I remember being told that hard work always pays dividends. Sometimes I give a piece a rest and then come back to it as I am stuck on a particular way to say something. Sometimes it is a trap for me, and I have difficulty having anything except a myopic way of seeing. Returning allows me to step back, widen my view, and sometimes I am fortunate to see a way to live up to the standard that teacher showed me so many years ago.

Very Truly Yours.

Moarzjasac



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Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem. It speaks volumes in little space. You hold to the form which you selected. English is such a wonderful tool, isn't it. There are many ways to say the same thing so It is realitively easy to rhyme if you are willing to use the wealth of tools which modern writers have available.

I like the picture which you selected to accompany this piece.


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