I am reading this poem and am finding it quite good. I think the girl is now a slave to him, regardless of his loyalties and unmindful of the reality which she already understands. There were a few spelling errors, which I will request you to correct:
It appears that you gave a lot of thought to this question before actually sitting down to write this item. The simle truth is that sound is a sound, and both the choices exist - a sound can be made, and it can be heard too. And, of course, the birds and animals who had made the tree their home or their resting perch, are also going to create a ruckus when the tree actually falls.
Mass genocides have occurred in almost all the nations which have been ruled by despots and tyrants. I am, therefore, grateful to you for highlighting this blot in history. You have written with your heart and it is a moving verse indeed. Try and explain what "red, white and blue" is as a foot-note as many readers may not understand the symbolism. I didn't either, as I am not an American, but I presume it refers to the uniform or American honor or its flag. Correct me if I am wrong.
It appears that you gave a lot of thought to this question before actually sitting down to write this item. The simle truth is that sound is a sound, and both the choices exist - a sound can be made, and it can be heard too. And, of course, the birds and animals who had made the tree their home or their resting perch, are also going to create a ruckus when the tree actually falls.
Your poem needs to be read by everyone who feels down in the dumps. It is full of hope. I urge you, however, to sharpen it a little. The title is repeated too often in the poem. A few more errors that I spotted are also listed below.
AllMy life is Isfull ofwishes and dreams
That never come true
Wishes and dreams
Of me
And ofyou
I wish offor stars
What happened to the world
Where wishes and dreams cCame true
Although this poem is not as good as its sister, I admired your effective use of the Figure of Speech of "Repetition". It underscores the difference between a heartless father and his unknowing offspring very clearly. In this poem, the contrast is etched more vividly than in the other poem.
While I have marked this folder among my favourites and will return to it to see all the poems, I must say that your grouping of all the autobiographical-type poems into one folder and our plaint to the reader to at least see this one poem here etc. touched something in my heart. Do keep writing like this.
In a nutshell, what you have written is so true of all traditions and all festivities in all the religions of the world! Globally, mothers are turning into master-jugglers, juggling "house-work" with their "job", their "children" and their "hubbies". Chasing a career has weaned them off chasing their homeliness and their maternal and family instincts.
You are so correct. We must remember what we need to, without getting lost in the daily chores of our life.
Oh my God ... this draft is too confusing to understand. Are Cat S and Yusuf Islam one and the same persons or different? It is also confusing when you move rapidly between the past and the present. I shall await the 2nd draft when it comes, so please advise me accordingly.
The way you bring in real human characters into a neatly woven short story had me hooked. I wish you don't keep on about the fact that you yourself as the author have the same problem. After all, you are mixing up the narration with the story-telling. Apart from these two things, I also felt that the word "auditory" in the first line is totally unnecessary, since you've already described the "Brrring" as a sound (onomatopoiea).
I am impressed with your thoughts and with the way you have gone about writing about your ownself. There are some misspelt words and other small errors, but they can be ignored, at least on this item.
Do take care of yourself and do not let that suicidal bug creep up on you, ever.
It is amazing how much time and effort must have gone in to compile such a long list! I appreciate your candid acknowledgement of the deficiencies in the list and feel that eventually this list will become one of its kind that you can sell to "The Book of Lists" or something like that.
I think this is a promising start to the long story that you have begun in this folder. I just wish this was not in bold type. Try and remove the bold type so that it is easy on the eyes. You also need to check the spelling of "cappucino" which is wrong.
"Brring," went the kitchen timer, giving an auditory signal ...(the word auditory is not needed, since "Brring" conveyed that it is a sound.
Your concern for your mother's "problem" and the way you go about describing it and make light humor of it had my continuous attention!
I partcularly enjoyed your comparison of the problem with the limp of the old dog. I think behind the humor, you were being quite serious and were advocating respect and love for the seniors of the house, be they man or beast.
I request you to once again remove the bold type and change the color from this blue to something pleasing like black, brown, plum or rose.
I think this is a promising start to the long story that you have begun in this folder. I just wish this was not in bold type. Try and remove the bold type so that it is easy on the eyes. You also need to check the spelling of "cappucino" which is wrong.
"Brring," went the kitchen timer, giving an auditory signal ...(the word auditory is not needed, since "Brring" conveyed that it is a sound.
It is amazing how much time and effort must have gone in to compile such a long list! I appreciate your candid acknowledgement of the deficiencies in the list and feel that eventually this list will become one of its kind that you can sell to "The Book of Lists" or something like that.
I am impressed with your thoughts and with the way you have gone about writing about your ownself. There are some misspelt words and other small errors, but they can be ignored, at least on this item.
Do take care of yourself and do not let that suicidal bug creep on you, ever.
Using the metaphor of speed-bumps for the pleasures of life down the fast highway is a very cute and good thing for you to do. I have not rated this a 5.0 because I am not too taken uop with your layout. It's too dreary with long paragraphs and nothing to separate quotes from the rest of the text. Try and "colour" this item up so that we can share the thrill-ride of your life.
Lovely poem. Cute little things that children like are nicely collected by a loving mother who then entreats the child to "approach her and share the loving moments".
Perhaps the first line needs a comma at the end and not a full-stop.
"army" of love ... a not too apt noun there ... but then, it's your choice. Who am I to tell you. I felt that in this very lovingly written poem, this word from wars does not fit. I might have used overwhelming love, loving heart or something like that.
through theall days and nights. How does that look?
This was a very moving tale and I was impressed by your medical knowledge!
I did find many typos and minor errors and have listed some of them for you to edit. I am sure you will find the others as you edit the piece.
I could only heave a heavy sigh ... I could only sigh heavily.
In my heart was the heavy lead weighted pain. ... That's the third time the word heavy/heave has occurred in the same para. Try and modify this line. Lead and weighted are to be hyphenated. Perhaps this might work: Pain weighted down my heart like lead.
Only I didn’t stop there I went on and on. Add a comma after "Only" and a full-stop after "there".
ceasures ... Is misspelt. Should be "seizures".
Dale, I’m sure could see that I was just barely holding on and quietly led us back off to the truck ... make this begin with: I am sure Dale could see ...
Sure, this will be a great opening to a story. One waits to find out who knocks on the door, and whether that person is an instigator of the malice that the narrator holds in his hand or a rank outsider, or someone from the family who knows nothing about it.
Very good imagery. Here is wishing you the best in developing this story.
What a painful situation you have described. I cna fully understand your feelings at this point. I share your grief. I share your anger too for the drugs and for the drug-peddlers and for the drug-lords and for the impotent governments and for the God above us, Who seems to be doing nothing to stop these bad things.
What a painful situation you have described. I cna fully understand your feelings at this point. I share your grief. I share your anger too for the drugs and for the drug-peddlers and for the drug-lords and for the impotent governments and for the God above us, Who seems to be doing nothing to stop these bad things.
Sure, this will be a great opening to a story. One waits to find out who knocks on the door, and whether that person is an instigator of the malice that the narrator holds in his hand or a rank outsider, or someone from the family who knows nothing about it.
Very good imagery. Here is wishing you the best in developing this story.
Taher
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Princess didn’t take to anyone else but my boyfriend and I. ... "me" will be the right pronoun for the narrator in this sentence.
Perhaps the first line needs a comma at the end and not a full-stop.