Way to go! Having read and reviewed three of your other items, I hit upon this the last, as I felt there wasw something in it which I would find useful.
In light of what I have just , I must say that I have vindicated myself by being honest (sometimes, brutally so!) in rating and reviewing your items!
Although there is no flaw in this item, I need to know why you put the whole item in italics? is it because it is a "thought", a "soliloquy" of some sort?
I must also point out that "stories.com" ceased to exist a long way back, so you need to edit this item and replace that with "writing.com".
In the end, I must close with this single comment: I wholeheartedly agree with you, but at the same time, it helps to have someone point out typos and other rule mistakes, as your ultimate desire is to get your work published ... and you can't very well do that if the item is full of errors!
This is an intensely personal item, and far be it for me to criticise it for grammatical mistakes or syntax problems. I must say that your buildup and descriptions are done very nicely and the piece deserves the 5.0 rating too!
I am doing this as part of the Port Raid!
I could not understand why you chose an upbeat rose colour to tell us something that was basically sad in nature. Was it because you wanted us to share your happy feelings for Blain? If that is so, I cannot fault you at all. Otherwise, I do think that a plain black would have served you much better than a robust rose!
In the end, I would like to know if Ruth is all right or has she passed to her Maker?
I am Taher, and it is my pleasant task to raid your items while you are busy at the WDC convention. We shall await news from there too!
This is a Port Raid item!
I must say that the entire item is suffused with a light, enjoyable visual treat that made me want to read more about the Pegasus. Your descriptions are glorious and very detailed, as are your comments about the sea, the sky, the cliffs and the rocks etc.
What this item needs is a little tweaking to lift it out of the "mundane" and make it something "special". In other words, it must learn to "fly", much like the protagonist in your story.
I wonder why the words "Pegasus" and "stallion" are continually interchanged. I would prefer if you stuck to either the one or the other. It might help to call the Pegasus something, such as "Stallone" or something ...(LOL, ), so that this uncomfortability is removed once and for all!
The other thing was your discomfort in shifting from a narrative in the present tense and a recall from the past tense. This must be smoothed out. For example, see this:
The Pegasus fought against a black unicorn named Cobalt, but the unicorn won the battle. Now, he is afraid that he would be stranded on this island of sea and grass.
In this para, you have shifted from the past to the present tense, but again reverted to the past tense,and this has made the whole thing confusing. I think you need to correct that. A similar problem while handling the tenses has occured in the very last sentence of the story too.
Also, I found that while one or two paragraphs are spaced from the others with a space of two lines, others haven't been spaced similarly. In fact, the "bad" paragraph lacks the indent too.
This is indeed a lovely composition. Although it is an old poem, I liked its simplicity and at the same time, its wonderful imagery and construction!
Keep writing ... I will swim the seven seas to look for your book when it is finally published ... and will give my right hand to buy it at any cost ...
Hello and welcome to the "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor 's reviewing group. Thanks so much for allowing us to read and critique your work. I think you are a gifted poet, but there are some odd words and loose ends in the poem here, leading me to rate you at 3.5.
I hope you take this in the right spirit and try and smoothen the wrinkles.
Overall, the title, the brief description, the layout etc are nice and appropriate.
In line 4, the last word "lay" is incorrect tense. It should be "lies".
Change "I'm" to "I am" in line 7.
Tears cannot "mend" ... this seems to me like taking excessive liberty with the poetic license. Use "hurt" or "fences" or some other word may be more apt here instead of tears.
In line 13, please remove the "of".
In conclusion, this piece has very good emotions, but it lacks usage of good words and proper grammar. Please go through it again and come back to discuss with me!
Thanks for a really illuminating item on the evils plaguing Islam. I am a little confused, now that you have provided so many links and references. I am no Islamic scholar so I will not try to counter your arguments. However, nothing can take away the sheer hard work and the research that you have put in. I can only say that I will pray that God helps you on your path of understanding and search for Truth.
This is a return review for the very kind review you did for my "breastfeeding" item.
You have indeed captured the essence of SLE very nicely in this poem. I think both the apostrophes in the "it's" need to be removed (LOL, I know you are going to again say I am rough ... ).
The personification of an illness notwithstanding, why has it been shown to be so ... er ... malignant in its progression? God forbid if a patient with lupus reads this poem, she will faint right away!
This is such a sweet poem. I saw it highlighted in a newsletter and decided to visit it. I am sure glad I did. The allusion is very nicely inserted. Congratulations on being recommended.
I am amazed that you wrote this after seeing paintings. It is a lovely muse!
Once again, I think this is a good poem. You write very well when you speak with a nostalgic tongue. This one is no different. I haven't rated you above 4.0 because I think this poem can be made even better (not considering the fact that it won the first prize in some contest).
You might consider this as poetic licence, but I think you need to change this sentence: "Both of us, me and you." ... to "both of us, you and I". I know that this will create rhyming trouble ....
Hi and how are you? I am quite impressed by this poem. You have needlessly put in a post-script and extended a sort of "apology" to tree lovers! The poem is very, very enjoyable and I doubt if anyone would take up cudgels with you for writing it.
If at all, you should be apologising to all those with fat, sweaty and hairy arms, IMHO.
I thought I was reading just another family scene, but pretty soon, you had me hooked! Your descriptions were fantastic. You have literally walked us through your grandma's house. I can almost taste her pies sitting many years down the line and many thousands of miles away!
Helloooo! Presenting you with this review as part of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . Hope you like it. It is, for the time-being, totally free to you (although I do expect Farhana to dole out some gift points later ).
I think you are right. The item has so many spelling mistakes, that I am NOT going to tell them all to you. Just to satisfy your little ego (or should I say, not-so-little ego), you have misspelt the word "their" at least 1042 times in this item. And that is not counting the other spelling errors scattered throughout the piece: to wit, words like "hysterical", "appropriate" and "received".
There are dropped apostrophes, wrong constructs and so on too, but why don't you get MS Word to look them up all for you? I am sure it will do the job quite nicely.
I have read a few of your items earlier too, and I think you are probably one of the best writers who grace this site. This story, which I am reviewing for "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor , is one that left me worried. I was worried because I was thinking to myself: why does this person need to spend 5000 gift points to have her work reviewed? It is already in a state of near perfectness!
Hence the five stars. I think you may feel cheated since I have no errors to point out and no corrections to make. The proverbial "red pencil" was poised to correct, but had to be returned to the pencil box unused. LOL!
There is perhaps just one point I would like to make:
In the following sentence: ‘It is you who are trapped ..., I think it should be 'It is you who is trapped ...' What do you think?
This is such a sweet poem and it has a nice cadence and feel to it. Some of the lines seemed to emanate authority and character, while others were distinctly "human" in nature. I think it might be really tough to think like a cat. When our residential complex has an excess of cats, the cleaning man just gets a sack, puts as many stray cats in it as he can lay his hands on, and takes them away - far away - and releases them, usually near a fruit and vegetable market.
P.S. Do send me the pass-key to the folder with more of your poems.
I am not sure Angie, but I think it should be "If God were a tree". What do you think?
This is a very warming and endearing thought about the benevolence, the greatness and the all-encompassing nature of God. Truly, in this little ditty, you have metaphorised His best qualities. One thing though: what is the metaphor of "roots" referring to?
I do not claim to be a poet but frankly, this poem did not move me at all. In fact, some of the lines I could not stomach - in particular, the "It escaped attention your." and "That your this lovely action".
It needs to be worked on if you are to put it in a poem collection anywhere. Otherwise, it is okay.
Hello! This is a socially relevant poem indeed. I think that because it flows from the pen of someone who has had first hand experience, it has the stamp of authenticity. Your lines are nice, except for a few (in particular, lines 6 and 13. Line 6 is like prose, line 13 uses poetic licence but a bit ineffectively. The inversion does nothing to the beauty of the line.
I also felt that "water" and "rather" did not rhyme; nor did "ones" and "tongues".
Please accept this in the right spirit of constructive criticism.
Hi again! I am doing this review as a part of the WAR group of which we both are members. This is a sweet little tale with a lot of interesting information!
I was wondering why you have broken up many of the single words into two: to wit, I spotted the following examples: wrap around, over looking, her self, etc.
Here is an awkward syntax problem: this sentence becomes very odd: " But every spring and fall, the geese would arrive or depart, hundreds, sometimes thousands of geese."
... I suggest: But every spring and fall, the geese would arrive or depart in their hundreds, nay, thousands.
Another thing. The following para is too obtuse to make sense:
"Angel’s dreams of fairy tale endings never seemed to come true. Her real world encounters had been fraught with .... (up to) .... two individual souls forever joined and working together." Try and simplify the language in this one.
This story really moved me. I came to this piece as a part of the WAR group and am I glad that I read this one! It is so sweet and so nicely written. There are no typos or errors that I could detect except perhaps this one: The word is "flitted" not "flittered".
Hello! I came to this item perhaps through the short stories newsletter. I don't remember since I had put it in the favourites folder since many days.
It is good and well-written. I am unable to say what the intent of the guys is; perhaps it is only exploitation of the girls. If so, why the guards and the secret conclaves and the trance-like procedure?
Hi! I am doing this review as a part of the "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor that you are a member of. Thanks for participating in the exhibition.
This is a nice story. I wonder why you put it in the blog format. Perhaps you need to realign it so that it is a book with only Chapter titles visible to the rest of us. I also did not follow why the first chapter is labelled #2 and the second is #1.
I liked this almost "Shrek-like ogre" that you have made into a hero. I did not understand what or who a "high" elf is supposed to be? Does the word "high" refer to her height?
There are many errors in this item ... in fact, too many to tell you individually. Most are errors of syntax, though there were a few spelling mistakes too. I suggest that you copy and paste the whole story in MS Word and check it out for spelling and grammar.
One more inconsistency: the elf woman has red hair when she is first introduced; the hair turns a mysterious auburn colour the next time. Hmm ... looks like we have a problem there! LOL.
In this group of sentences, there is too much unneeded repetition:
.....She told him of the gnolls and the problems the townspeople had with them. An idea came to his head. Perhaps if he killed gnolls the people would like him. Well at least well enough that he could go into town. Therefore, a plan came to mind and when he was well enough he told her of it. She agreed with him and they started to make plans....
I must say I am impressed by the tale (not "tail", as you seem to have spelt the word in the first three lines, LOL).
This review is part of the "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor , and I am your reviewer. First out, let me compliment you for the sheer brilliance with which you have interwoven a fantasy tale with cats! (Cats, of all people, why?)
There are a few errors, and I am sure you will, when you run a spell and grammar check, uncover it yourself.
There is one glaring error: if the robe did not get frayed or faded between 3003 BC and 1003 BC, why did it get so old and frayed by 2003 AD ?
Hi! Thank you for participating in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . This review is a part of this forum. Please bear with me while I inhale the scent of your item into my lungs, enjoy its fragrance and then go on and tell you what I think about this piece.
It is very well-written, of that there is no doubt. I found just one or two errors (at one place, you have substituted "their" with "there"; at another place, you have capitalised the second half of a Latin name: it should have been the Rosa lawrenseana). There are some misplaced or missing commas, but there are no other major errors in your piece.
You have written the word "Roses" at the beginning of so many adjacent sentences. I think you should use the pronoun "It" or "They" rather than beginning each sentence with "Roses" every time.
Good formatting and enjoyable read of this metaphoric poem! Congratulations on being picked out by John in his newsletter. I read this poem two times and finally, most of the words sank in, except the V-T win. What is that? I'd love for you to explain that to me.
Hello! I found this poem featured in the Poetry newsletter and hence clicked on it! Congratulations on the recognition.
I think this poem is about the present times and it is a good commentary on the thinking hats children wear as they view the world through eyes that we never possessed when we saw the world in stark colours. I am not too sure who are the "they" that you speak about in the final two lines. Are they "virtual parents"?
I would like to read this poem again after you have answered me.
Taher
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, I must say that I have vindicated myself by being honest (sometimes, brutally so!) in rating and reviewing your items!
), so that this uncomfortability is removed once and for all!
Overall, the title, the brief description, the layout etc are nice and appropriate.
You might consider this as poetic licence, but I think you need to change this sentence: "Both of us, me and you." ... to "both of us, you and I". I know that this will create rhyming trouble .... 
).