Hi! I am reviewing this poem as a part of our WAR group. I am not very sure why you have used a metaphor of "Dante" as the name of the ship to describe what is essentially a simple description of a voyage through uncharted seas.
The word "capricious" is misspelt.
I think you wanted to play on the word "not" and have purposefully substituted it with "knot"; however, the substitution, in my opinion, does not enhance the line or the poem in any way and acts as an irritant to the reading of an otherise nicly composed poem.
This is a sweet tale that I really enjoyed reading. The narrative was smooth and easy to read. I liked the dialogues between Brad and Jacque. You have used some pretty complicated language at one or two places, but nothing that I could not follow. Here is an example of what I mean:
>> He closed the door behind him, which I thought was strange, for not even when changing my bedpan, had the hospital staff had the good sense to do so. <<
Aside from this, I detected a comma missed from this place (marked with a *):
You have written a very good self-introspection poem. I could identify with most of it, though I have never been so self-deprecatory. It is a measure of your good writing that this poem that has not much of a meter or rhyme still sounded so pleasing when I read it aloud.
Keep enriching us, and God bless you and Gilbert (I presume that is your husband's name ... sorry if I am wrong).
I came across this piece in the Newsletter for Authors. It is so beautiful. It is said that one should never let the child inside of one die. You did right by not just buying the crayons, not just whooping with joy at having them, not just running to that room and getting ready to colour but also by crying when those crayons got spoilt. Cheers! Great writing, great humour.
Hello and hi! I have finally got around to sniffing in your port after being on wdc for over two and a half years. You have specifically asked the guests to read this item. So here I am.
I hail from India. Cable tv happened to us just a little over five years ago, and so I am afraid I cannot remember who Fred Rogers might be.
What I really liked about this item is the "take home message". It works even for someone like me who does not know anything about the main star of the piece. For you have, in your own words, simplified the thoughts and deeds of this great person!
At the same time, providing a link to Roger's songs is the icing on the cake! I liked the item thoroughly. You have missed a comma at one place(para 9, after the word "both"), and the word "opportunity" in para 13 should be preceded by "the".
I think your misgivings are certainly justified. They are scamsters and there is no doubt of it. I wrote a poem in their website a couple of years ago, and promptly received a mail about how nice the poem was and it would get published in an anthology. Then, another mail saying that a CD would include my poem as it was selected for its "musicability". Then, the inevitable offers: to buy the anthology at a huge discount, then coffee mugs with my poem on them, then place mats, then coasters, then a framed poem and what have you. Thankfully, I did not succumb to this huge marketing effort - partly because I am from India and $1.00 is equal to Rs. 45 (then, 49).So ... keep your distance.
Hello again. Remember I reviewed you a few days earlier?
I came across this item while reading another one that had based its protagonist on "Iris". Well, this is a nice, descriptive poem! It suffers from a few errors though, and I think one of them (the spelling of "heartily") is obvious. The other error is not so obvious: please re-read the last two lines and see if you can change the construction of these a bit to make them flow better and to make clearer sense. I will revert to you with my suggestion if you need it.
Life bulldozes us so relentlessly and mercilessly, that often we are left holding only crumbs. This item is a reminder to the younger souls on this website to always leave quality time for their loved ones, even if that be at the expense of a few less dollars earned. I appreciate the irony that you have weaved in and made this into a powerful item ... but the simple message is driven home very forcefully, and if I may add, nicely too. I was a bit worried that there were many punctuation problems - mainly the fact that pauses and commas have been omitted at several places ... but that does not detract me from awarding you 4.5 stars for the merit of the piece.
I enjoyed reading this lovely tale of courage and heroism that featured in the Newsletter for Authors. Congratulations on a good story. There was just one typo - an apostrophe that should not have been there. I am sure you can find it. It's somewhere in the middle of the story.
I do not suffer from insanity. I positively enjoy every moment living it!
P.S. Rather than qualifying the last paragraph as an "After thought", why not call it "Author's note"? "Afterthought" sounds inappropriate for a factual statement.
The story moved quite well, I must say! You are a gifted writer, and most of the dialogues between the two main "actors" were lively and fun to read. The story and its pathos was actually quite clear to me almost within ten lines, since you gave a very apt 90-character descriptor at the top of the item.
Congratulations on a lovely story, well told.
-Taher
P.S. As a doctor, I felt that if the person has multiple ankle fractures, he would have been unable to walk for several weeks ... so perhaps you need to tone down the injury a bit to make the story perfect from the medical angle.
Hello again. I have participated in the Box from time to time and felt that I must join issue with you on one particular point re. this item.
It is this: You have stated that "Not all suggestion will be responded to by the Staff". I think this is unfair to the members who, inspite of other things they may want to do on wdc or elsewhere on the net, are visiting this box only to share their intelectual input with you all free-of-cost. I agree that not all ideas are good/implementable or correct - but I still feel that either you, the SM or one of the moderators MUST at least send a reply to every poster on this very forum - with a copy to the member's e-mail id on wdc. If the reply is to be private, then a private e-mail to the person's id on wdc might also be all right.
Thank you for sharing this lovely romantic tale with us. I enjoyed your metaphor as much as the actual story which, on the whole, has been written well. I did find a few oddities and errors, which I am going to list here:
She began walking to me ... walking toward me is correct.
she carried the beauty of a goddess and the grace of any queen
Thank you{add a comma here -drtaher) my lord," she said.
I wasted away the days dreaming of what should not be.... why "wasted away"? You leave the readers confused. I think "whiled away" sounds better and is probably what might be more suitable.
I love you totoo Chakara," she said.
We stood there in the dancing field, our love now stronger than ever(add a comma here) and kissed.
You never explained why the girl comes only every fourth day.
Fantastic work! I congratulate you on the books that you have already published. This introduction is good too, and I won't hesitate to say that your writing is crisp, very fast-paced and full of action and suspense. I loved the entire chapter that I read on the website.
Brilliant piece, Marilyn. I am sure this will dissuade me and others I know from doing this thing almost daily. You have rightly issued a warning to those who copy blatantly, not just words but also images. It pains me to know that all this has been copyrighted to someone. Even I did not know.
Taher
P.S. May I forward the link to this page to people I know and to some fora of which I am a member?
I am doing this review as a part of "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor . Please bear with this lengthy review. It was a pleasure to read this item, which, in fact, was a bit sad and too realistic for my taste. There were no typos or major errors (thank God) but I did find a very few minor things that you might like to change:
Double spacing of lines at two places without an obvious separation of text into different parts or new sections.
Didn’t feel like her ribs were broken, and she wouldn’t have to come up with any excuses since there were no visible bruises. ... sentence must begin with "It".
The last time she had tried to leave, she had wound up in the hospital with a concussion and a broken arm.
One last point: I was honestly unable to appreciate why you ended the piece with the sentence, "The coffee was cold".
A true expert or exponent of a particular art not only knows how to do something, but is able to teach others to do it as well. As far as this item is concerned, I must say that you have taught it beautifully to all on this site. I think that the link in the line "In Blinky's Portfolio ... Invalid item" has expired, and you may remove the link altogether.
It seems to me that you are now a seasoned English Ghazal writer and are able to observe both the radeef and the kaafiyah, as in this case. The theme of a suicidal person awaiting death and trying to justify his desire to die is not new; however, the rendition in a ghazal form is. For that, I must congratulate you.
What a wonderful message you have given to the people on Christmas this year. I am sure that those who read it will learn a thing or two and spend a little less ostentatiously this year. The true spirit of Christmas has indeed been forgotten as people have become crazy consumers for whom there is no end to fancy and useless shopping.
Strength of purpose drove her down hallways to search for a non-existent nemesis! I liked the turn of idea leading to an unexpected adversary. Keep it up and continue writing! Perhaps the flow of this poem needs a little more attention and revision.
Idiots and fools often sacrifice others before making that obvious mistake that will cause their own demise. You have, quite graphically, described that very same thing. I congratulate you on the beautiful imagery and great work.
A few suggestions:
In the following lines, there are a few errors. Please, please review and rectify:
The rapids carved the soil from its roots and sent it collapsing to the ground with a mighty crash;comma echoing through the ages.
Lovely example of the play of thoughts inside a young woman's mind. I have no doubt that even if she lives for another 200 years, she will keep thinking about that man. Elephants and women - rarely forget!
A few errors:
Why did all these emotions just bouncingbounce inside her for an outlet to get out? And what effect it was it to have on her seemingly perfect life?
It was that yearning, that sheer will of holding his face that gave her the strength to go on.
This item has, in a most clear way, described the way to review and read others' items at wdc. I am trying my level best to evolve a format for reviewing, but I am unable to do so because subjectivity comes in the way. Having read this item, I have resolved to soon outline my reviewing strategy. I thank you for this exposition.
Your use of the picture as a prompt and the poem you have written is indeed deserving of the first prize. Congratulations.
The uniqueness of your poem was to use the father's point of view while reading the prompt. I don't think anyone else did that. Very nice and totally believable.
Taher
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She began walking to me ... walking toward me is correct.
Double spacing of lines at two places without an obvious separation of text into different parts or new sections.