I could not understand the context of this poem. Why is a person who has "experienced the thrill" of a "free, free fall" stating that he has "fallen from grace"?
And what is meant by "innocent of tradition"? If it means someone who respects tradition, then why is he "defiant of rites"?
Why is a person who loves to "climb a mountain" referring to the "foot of the hill" as his "station"?
I am writing this as I uncover the errors, so please await my final opinion at the end:
Chapter1:
a. ....in as humane and a Christian....
b. For the next 2 years....
c. As I reached theschool-going age...
Chapter 2
d. ... and they appeared to wave out to him
e. .... she turned and startedstarting walking to her ..
Chap. 3
f. ...whether he willwould
Chap. 4
g. ...looked at me, more than at any other family...
Chap. 5
h. ...i got a telephone call...
i. ...when the French relinquished...
j. This grandaunt' had....
k. ....killed in an air-crash...
Chap. 6
l. ..Did I expect Anne or my mother to overcome...
m. ...so that I could just forget to...
n. ...my grandpa's death.
o. ...because of the contrast between my Asian...
p. Remove both the commas in the line:Girls, who wanted to get serious about me,...
q.Most would give up and consider formore secure options. Even girls from Asia would accept my impeccable logic that I was unsuitable as a husband.
r. This sentence sounds a bit vulgar:
..I went to sleep that night with severe pain in my you know where!.. could be made a bit less offensive, in keeping with the general tenor of the story and its rating.
Chap. 7
s. ..woken up ...
t. ...called from the lobby
u. ...preferred to be called Johnthan by any other name the last five words are inessential
v.want to beseen doing well for their constituencies
Chap. 9
w. ..It makes a little difference to a Goan...
Now on to the story itself: It is fantastic!
Truth is indeed very glorious in its simplicity!
I envy you your roots in India and wings in Scotland.
I wish you all the best in your effort to get this work published.
Do visit my India forum"Invalid Item" and "Invalid Item" and be a part of it if you wish!
-Taher
This was a highly imaginative and yet stirring write-up indeed.
Just thought I'd point out that you have written "your" instead of "you're" in the write-up.
After reading this, I felt good, because, as a doctor, I was immediately able to UNDERSTAND the piece perfectly. Just one correction: it is technically impossible to see muscle on regular X-rays, much less to say that it is cardiac musculature.
Thanks for letting us look inside your heart's innermost thoughts!
Your write-up, when seen by bickering, quarreling and ungrateful couples, could certainly work like a rejuvenating tonic!
Too true, all that you have written!
And yet, I detect that she hasn't yet appreciated these truths, and perhaps you pine for her understanding.
If so, this piece of yours, if disclosed to her should set matters all right between you, at least till the Day of Judgment.
A few typos and syntax errors have crept in your piece, but believe me, they do not take from this item even a little bit of beauty.
Here are the suggestions: Line 1: Do you remember... end it with a question mark Second para: line 1 is not a complete sentence, but a fragment. End it in a comma perhaps? Third para: teen's:replace with teens; so also girl's with girls. Fourth para: I ask God... should be I asked God Fifth para: Insert a full stop after..."met you."
and
Last line: "meeting one another" is preferable to "meeting of one another" Sixth para: Replace 'to' with 'too' in the first line.
Please consider changing the line "You have through God helped ..." to "Through God, you have helped.." Seventh para: old fashion to be changed to old-fashioned Consider dropping the very last sentence to a new paragraph!
Regards,
-Dr. Taher
Dear FF,
I saw the review by Kenzie, and therefore homed in on your poem.
Very sincere and smart advice, I daresay, but will she appreciate you enough for it?
-Taher
This story made me James- I was actually on that toboggan, flying out behing Joey. Very realistic, very, very dramatic, and absolutely great stuff.
I am not eulogizing, this is a fact!
Dear Magdaleine,
It is indeed true that there are several agents of God who think they are the only ones whose path will take us to Him.. but they are like the Black Rose, who have the fragrance, and yet, are impostors who are out to delude us into following them and giving them our money, our property, nay, even our souls.
"Immortal God exchanged for nought,
but painful thorns and poisoned thought"
Wonderful.
Thanks for a brilliant poem.
Dear snoopy,
Very touching and sensitive poem. Appreciate it.
Especially liked these four lines:
>>I feel all alone, no one to love and comfort me,
Can anyone tell me why I have to be so lonely?
I want to express my real emotions and let people know the truth about my life,
My aspirations of having a fun job and loving and caring wife<<
If this is your OWN poem, my sympathies with you. If imaginary, it looks very authentic!
It appears to be that the mother addresses a son who hasn't died, just gone away someplace. If that is true, why so much sadness? And if, as it may be, it is that the son has died, then writing that his picture may be better than nothing at all...seems a bit shallow.
What do you interpret it as?
-Taher
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drtaher/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 9:48pm on May 20, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Line 1: Do you remember...
Consider dropping the very last sentence to a new paragraph!