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Review Requests: OFF
562 Public Reviews Given
612 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I generally give an overview of the item, then point out any corrections, suggestions or highlight favourite lines. I am a captain of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . See my reviews below for examples.
I'm good at...
Proofreading and catching typos, spelling mistakes and incorrect grammar.
Favorite Genres
Romance, fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Poetry.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

Hi WriterGirl ,
It is a pleasure to review your short story as part of "Invalid Item" . *Smile*


*Burstp* GENERAL:
Good use of title, short description and genres. I know these are the 'easy' parts, but they are also the first impression anyone gets of your story, and the way they find it and choose to read it, so they are important.

Your first paragraph introduces us to the main character, but nothing happens. We get a very vague impression of what kind of person she might be (my first impressions were confrontational, stubborn, defiant, and rebellious), but it is all 'told' to us. The information that you give us there could easily be woven in to the story later (if indeed it is relevant at all) and shown to us. After reading the whole story, I couldn't see how her reaction to her full name was relevant in any way whatsover.

Just an example of what I mean by the difference between showing and telling, here's what you wrote:
Her full name was Annalise Joanne Marshall, but if anyone called her Annalise, or any other nickname derived from it, they were dead meat.
And here's a version where this information is shown:
"Annalise..." The last syllable trailed off as Lee spun to glare at her friend.
"It's Lee! I have told you a thousand times never to call me Annalise! Unless you're my mother, you don't get to use that name, and last time I checked you didn't look anything like my mother!"
Her friend slowly backed away, eyes wide.
Like I said, that's just a rough example, but hopefully it illustrates to you what I mean.

The second paragraph is a list of all Lee's friends, their appearances, and their interests. Firstly, this is more telling rather than showing, which is the least interesting way for a reader to absorb information. Secondly, the reader is never going to remember the names or attributes from this list. I've just read it, and the only thing I can remember is that there is one called Grace who looks Goth but isn't, who likes anime. And someone who reads a lot. I can't even tell you what Lee looks like, because it was lost in the list of information. This kind of paragraph is known as an infodump, defined basically as 'too much information for the reader to take in at once'. We need this information fed to us slowly. When Lee talks to Grace, you can have Grace look up from the latest anime story she's working on and flip her black hair over her shoulder, or similar. That's enough for one paragraph. In another paragraph, Lee could be told that [insert name here] was at the library, lost in a book as usual. Again, enough information for one paragraph. Feed us images slowly and build a world we can see, rather than throwing all the information at us in one big hit.

Your third paragraph is where the story really starts, and it is my strong recommendation to you that you remove the first two paragraphs and start with the third. Use the information in the first two as 'research material' and slowly weave those tidbits in as the story unfolds. I would suggest that you open with '"I never dated at 12," said Sam.' and this removes the first two lines of the third paragraph which are more telling. The dialogue is a way of 'showing' us what happened. You can refer to Eva as 'your sister' so we know that she is Sam's sister, and it's easy enough to continue dropping hints like that. Even better, start with the video call from Alex.

You don't use any dialogue tags for quite a while. There's no need to, of course, and the pace of the story is faster without them, but they would provide opportunity for you to drop hints about appearance, etc.


*Burstp* PLOT:
For me the most crucial thing about your short story is that there is no conflict. Lee is known to be a problem solver. A problem arises. Lee solves it. Nothing goes wrong, none of the characters have to grow, adapt, or anything. At the end of the story they are in almost exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the story. The story would have been much stronger if the video had failed to convince the parents, and the friends had come to understand that sometimes problems are too big for teenagers to solve in half a day, and instead they had to figure out a way to keep their friendship alive when they were in separate countries. And maybe instead of telling Alex how much they'll miss her, they work with her to see the benefits of moving to South Africa.

I understand that it's a short story, not a novel, so there simply isn't space for a huge convoluted plot, but the story currently feels flat because there's no conflict. The solution is simply too easy for them.


*Burstp* CHARACTERS:
I think you've made a good start on some interesting characters, giving them unique personalities and interesting quirks. They need flaws too. Yes, even Lee. For instance, if she's always the one with the solutions, chances are that she's arrogant and bossy. Every character needs flaws, because no one is perfect, and readers relate better to a flawed character. They seem more real. Arrogant and bossy doesn't mean we can't like her, especially if she's quick to apologise when shown she's in the wrong or that she's hurt someone's feelings, that kind of thing.


*Burstp* SETTING / IMAGERY:
There wasn't a lot of scene setting, for instance no description of where Lee and Sam were having their conversation, no description of the diner. It's not a long story, so we don't need a lot, but just a little bit woven in would work. They place their drinks on formica tables, or tables with red checkered tablecloths, or they squint at each other under fluorescent lights, that kind of thing. Just a tiny snippet here and there so we slowly build up an image in our heads.


*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There were some punctuation errors, but I don't think there's a lot of point noting them when there is rewriting required. That kind of nitpicking detail can be done in a later review. Overall the spelling and grammar looked okay.


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
"Sam, you were also a socially awkward weirdo."
*Laugh* I loved that line.


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
I love the idea of a bunch of friends putting their heads together and 'saving the day'. And you really do have the start of some interesting characters. So please don't take this review too negatively, as I'd hate to see you just scrap the story. There is the start of something wonderful here. I think if the video doesn't work, have them come up with more ideas. Or, alternatively, maybe try other ideas first then finish with the video (which was actually a pretty good idea). Once you introduce some conflict, the story will become a lot more three dimensional. *Smile* And as for the showing instead of telling, that's something I'm still working on too! *Facepalm* It was actually one of the first things I learned on this site, and after five years, I understand the difference between showing and telling, but it's much harder to practice than to pick it up when reviewing. *Rolleyes*
Thanks for sharing your story, and if you do rewrite this at all, please let me know. I'd be interested in reviewing it again.
Elle

** Animated Images For Use By Premium+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
52
52
Review of America  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Choconut ~ House Targaryen ,
I found your story on a browse through your portfolio, and I was intrigued by the short description. As a New Zealander (who generally uses British english rather than American english) I was curious to see how you had tackled the subject.


*Burstp* GENERAL:
This short story has a lovely relaxed feel, as the grandmother speaks of her memories to her granddaughter. I thought it was a really clever way to share some of those cultural differences. I thought the use of dialogue kept the story moving along, even though the pace was slow and easy.


*Burstp* CHARACTERS:
Poppy, the granddaughter, had a very cute and charming way of speaking with a slightly incorrect syntax, just the way young children do in real life. She came across as bouncy, energetic and very cute.

Kathleen, the grandmother, came across as calm and a little sad without her beloved husband. I thought Anna made her seem quite frail in a way that she might not have come across with Anna's perspective.

We get to know Anna the least I think. She is more of a prop to keep the dialogue between Poppy and Kathleen going. I do like the way she 'remembers' the moments her parents shared though, giving them credence.


*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
“Sorry, Mum. She’s been excited about this since project for the last few days,” said Anna, as she placed her hands around her daughter’s shoulders.
You say 'this since project' which doesn't make sense. I'd remove the word 'since'.

“Yes. That’s right, Pumpkin,” Kathleen’s voice faltered.
The first time you used the word pumpkin as an endearment, with no upper case letter, and this time as a name, with an upper case letter. You need to be consistent and do it one way or the other the whole way through.

Things like geography, we can do at home from the internet, but it would be really good if you have any photos to spare.
You don't need a comma after geography.

“Me too, Darling
Darling is almost certainly meant to be an endearment, not a nickname, so I would use a lower case letter for that word.

“Yes,” said Kathleen, feeling faraway.
Far away is two words.


*Burstp* SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Pronunciation is always exceedingly difficult to get across in a written format. I struggled a little to 'hear' the way the words were said in the American accent. I also note that there are so many different regional variations of American accents, just as there are so many regional variations of British accents. It's tricky, so I don't really have a 'suggestion' for improving it, but I certainly do acknowledge that it's tricky, and there may be no way of doing it that works for all your readers.


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
Your Grampy used to call it the ‘New Improved English’. But he was just wrong.”
*Laugh* Yeah, I've been tempted sometimes to refer to it as 'English and American English' rather than 'British English and American English'. It's not British English, it's just English! *Rolling*


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
This was a lovely read, and it made me smile. I have had those conversations about cultural differences so many times, and it felt familiar and comfortable. Thanks for sharing, Rachel!
Elle

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Laura Leary ,
I was browsing through your portfolio and found this wee gem. I adore witticisms like this, and as a parent, wow, I can definitely relate! *Laugh*


*Burstp* GENERAL:
This is a wonderful mix of parenting advice and personal experience. Some of the items on your list will be able to be applied to any child (particularly the first!), and others made me do a double take. I guess some of them were 'you had to be there' moments! I've certainly have my share of those too! *Rolling*


*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
If you hear your children, in a mesmerized, whispered voice saying, "Wow, fire!" Run to them, it is probably not Scooby Doo and his pals sitting around a campfire.
This should all be one sentence, so use a lower case letter for 'run' (possibly with a comma after the speech mark). You could break it into two sentence with a full stop after 'run to them', but not after 'fire'.

You should never, ever put anything in your ear, expecting to be able to pull it out of your mouth, or any other orifice.
I think this needs another comma after 'ever'.

The head, or any other body part does not make an effective padding for falling weights equaling 70 pounds.
I think this needs another comma after 'part'.

*Don't blink, you might miss the opportunity to narrowly avert disaster, or at least the chance to laugh your belly sore!
I would remove the asterisk here. I don't see another one anywhere, and I think this sentence can stand alone just fine.


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
If you tell your parents it is their lucky day, and then tape your mouth shut, it gives them ideas.
I loved most of them, but this one made me laugh out loud. I taped my kids' mouths shut one day (for a laugh, not because I was angry) and enjoyed the blissful silence until they demanded to be set free. *Laugh* They thought it was funny, but you're right, it totally gives you ideas. Luckily for our children, we're not mean enough to do it for real. *Smile*


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
I have a similar list in my portfolio that you might get a chuckle out of - "Things I Have Learned Since I Became A Parent..." . It seems every year I think of more items to add to it! *Laugh*

Thank you so much for the laugh, I needed one today.
Elle

** Animated Images For Use By Premium+ Only **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
54
54
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi 💙 Carly ,
I found your poem at the "Invalid Item"  and wanted to drop by with a quick review. *Smile*


*Burstp* GENERAL:
Your poem had a real sense of anticipation and wonder about it, which I loved, because that's exactly how I felt about the meteor showers. Sadly, I didn't get to see them as it is winter here and the clouds obstructed our views. I believe it wasn't as visible in the southern hemisphere either, meaning that 6am was the best time of day to see it, and even that was only on the edge of the horizon. No matter, there'll be more wonders to see another time, yeah? Even though I missed out on the show, your poem really takes me there. I love the emotion you've weaved into your poem, even more than the imagery. It makes me feel, which is a sign of a good poem. *Smile*


*Burstp* CONVENTION:
As best I can tell, being no expert, this is a free form poem. There is no set rhyme or meter.

I did find it interesting that you repeated a line.
waiting, waiting for the show to begin
The repetition of that line really amps up the anticipation, and almost puts me in mind of a kid practically jumping on the spot going 'Come on already!' *Laugh*

I love your use of figurative language where the dampness 'caresses' your skin. I would never have thought to use the word caress with dampness, and it gives it a more gentle, softer feel. It also makes me feel cold, because it's winter here and the last thing I want is to be damp! *Laugh*

I also liked that you noted that the streams of light were silent. It might seem an obvious thing, as meteor showers are general silent, but it gave a wonderful depth to the image.


*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
You don't seem to have been consistent with your punctuation. I do understand that punctuation is a poet's prerogative and so these are merely my opinion and you need not take note of them if you have used your punctuation deliberately to pace your poem. I just wanted to point out what felt like 'errors' to me.

I lay down upon the cool, hard ground
This line feels like it needs a comma at the end before it moves on to the next.

waiting, waiting for the show to begin
This line needs a full stop as the next line seems to start a new sentence.
Also, this is the only line where you haven't started with an upper case letter.

and holds the world still
This line seems to need a comma (or even a full stop) before the waiting begins on the next line.

Then light streaks across the blackened depths
This line seems to need a comma at the end.

Zinging across the celestial heavens
This line seems to need a comma or full stop at the end.

Breathtakingly awesome
This line seems to need a full stop.

Yet also so connected
This line seems to need a full stop.

I know I don't sound very confident with 'seems to', but as I say, punctuation is a poet's prerogative. If you read the lines as a paragraph, not a poem, the punctuation seems obvious, but it's not a paragraph, it's a poem. *Facepalm* So yes, those are my suggestions.


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
The peace and tranquility of the midnight hour descends
and holds the world still
I love the idea of the midnight hour holding the world still. Brilliant.

Silent streams of bright, white
Zinging across the celestial heavens
These are such visual, intense lines. Love them.

*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
Thank you so much for sharing your meteor shower experience with me. *Smile* And congratulations on your win in the poetry contest, well deserved.
Elle

** Image ID #2055674 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review of Music to write to  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Robyn,
I stumbled across this list while looking for music-themed items to review for "a very Wodehouse challenge" . How had I not seen it before? *Confused*

I loved your introduction, especially the part about recommending music being like buying shoes for someone else. *Laugh* That is so true! Music is such a personal thing.

I also agreed with what you said about music 'sparking ideas, pushing us through difficult scenes' and 'helping to stoke the emotional fires of our characters'. All that, and it can just help to calm your mind so the writing flows more easily, blocking out distractions.

I don't necessarily agree that music with lyrics can't work. I find that if I'm writing short stories I can't have lyrics, but for poetry the lyrics help. I don't take whole lines, but random words pop out and me, and sometimes I'll use the word I hear, or it'll rattle around in my head until it becomes something else entirely. So once again, it's entirely subjective. I think it's harder for people to find really good instrumental though, so I think this is a valuable list. Most people already have playlists of songs with lyrics.

I love that you included gaming soundtracks. Most people are familiar with the idea of movie soundtracks I think (or I was, anyway!) but if you're not a gamer, then gaming soundtracks are not as easy to know about or identify. I think it's great that you've specified a whole bunch for people to check out.

Interesting, I don't know the soundtracks for any of the TV shows you listed, although I am familiar with the main Dr Who theme song (who isn't?). I don't watch much TV, so I'd be interested to listen to these.

I thought the last two suggestions were interesting. It wasn't clear at first that Immediate Music was the name of a company, not a type of music. I think it's probably worth adding that. It becomes clearer when you talk about Epic Score, but it does get a little confusing. Your very last sentence needs a full stop too.

Thank you so much for this list. I think what I'm going to do is put them all into one whopping great 'writing playlist' and slowly listen to them all! {e;bigsmile} Again, thanks for sharing.
Elle

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Diane,
This contest has been on my 'to do' list to enter, especially after last round I mucked up my entry (by submitting it while set on 'private' so the judges couldn't read it, then editing it post-deadline so they could *Facepalm*). So I wanted to stop by and leave a review for you.


*Burstp* GENERAL:
The title is catchy and appropriate. The short description also grabs attention, but doesn't alert members at first as to whether they will be required to write stories, poems or have a choice of either. This may be because this may change from round to round, I'm not sure. I'm sure the last round was also stories.

Your genre choices are perfect, as one would expect from a staff member. *Smile*

The image is very good, and works well as both a cover image and a title. The fine print is lost when it is used as a cover image, but it is repeated in the title, so that's nothing to worry about.

There are a lot of members on this site who connect their writing very heavily with music, and a number of the authors I follow on Facebook talk about the soundtracks they use for various books, etc, so it is certainly something that I would expect to appeal to a large number of members.

The judges are listed, and you add extra information to make it clear what will happen if one judge can't complete their judging for any reason.


*Burstp* RULES:
Your rules are very simple and clearly laid out. No misinterpretation possible, I wouldn't think. You've got the word count, the deadline, when editing will be allowed, etc. Looks good. You've also made the paid membership requirements very clear.

I have never understood why a word count might be required for a contest entry, but I remember someone telling me once that if someone can't follow simple instructions (rules) then they'll never get their work seen by a publisher. Publishers have so many requests come across their desks each day they throw out any that didn't follow the rules. So if that's the intent here, to teach people to follow simple rules, then I suppose I can understand that. But truly, I don't see the point in requiring them to add the word count. What do you or the judges gain from it?


*Burstp* PRIZES:
The prizes are fabulous, as one has come to expect from official Writing.com contests. I think it would be nice to have the merit badge linked so people can see it, but that's just personal preference.

You don't mention what happens if you only get a few entries, so one assumes that if you only have three entires, they will all receive one of the three prizes. If that's not the case, this definitely needs to be made clearer.


*Burstp* PROMPTS:
You've credited the prompt to Andrew , and the link works well. I can't say how well the genre of music will appeal to all members, but I definitely understand the need to have original music and it's pretty incredible that you can do so. The beauty of classical music is that there are no lyrics, so it is entirely open to interpretation which means your entries should vary a lot. I'm not sure how exactly you can tell that a story has been inspired by the prompt and not just written without ever listening to the music though. Have you ever read an entry and thought 'This wasn't inspired by the prompt'?


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
The survey fields are all clear and there is little open to interpretation. On the whole, it's a fun idea for a contest, and one I look forward to entering again. Thanks so much for hosting this, Diane!
Elle

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
57
57
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
House Hightower image for G.o.T.

Hi Smitty,
Before I start my review, I must congratulate you on winning first prize in "The Littlest Poetry Contest"  with this poem. *Bigsmile* I certainly appreciate you taking the time to enter, as the kids are having great fun acting as judges. It is a good learning experience for them too.


*Burstp* GENERAL:
This is a really simple and cute children's poem. It is a pleasure to read aloud, and has all the rhythm of the original. I love that your animals are given human names, and the descriptions of them are quite enjoyable.

I really like the way you add questions for the children to think about after they've read the poem. How many walked on two legs? How many had paws? *Smile*


*Burstp* CONVENTION:
I'm not sure if there is a name to this type of form, but to my uneducated eye, it is a series of rhyming couplets. But, with no gap between couplets. Does that make sense? *Confused*

The rhymes all work well. They're all relatively simple rhymes that children will easily understand.


*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The turkey trotted all around. Was known just as Hank.
The second sentence in this line feels a bit too fragmented. Perhaps you could join these two together as something like 'The turkey who trotted round was simply known as Frank.' I think that works with your rhythm, but that's just a simple attempt while working on a review, so forgive me if it doesn't work! I do think this could be improved just a bit by combining these two sentences.

The pot bellied pig who snorted when laughing, is the one she called Frank.
I don't think this sentence needs a comma. I'm no comma-expert, so I could be wrong, but that's my thought.


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
The pot bellied pig who snorted when laughing, is the one she called Frank.
The idea of a fat little pig who snorts when he laugh is just adorable.


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
Thank you for supporting the kids by entering their contest. This was a really fun poem to read, and a well deserved win in the contest. *Smile*
Elle

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
House Hightower image for G.o.T.

Hi Kiya,
As with all really personal items and tributes, it is very hard to review this item, but equally it is important to recognise all the work and effort you have put into it.


*Burstp* GENERAL:
The header image you've used at the top of the item is very cute. As we have come to expect from your artistic work, the fonts, etc all work perfectly with the image. I did wonder if it's a bit..cute? for the purpose which is entirely serious, but I think we don't want the page to be depressing, rather a positive tribute, so on reflection, I think the image works fine.

I like that your introduction is well spaced and not overly wordy. I also like that you've used the doves to break up the spacing. It helps avoid the page becoming a big block of text and keeps it visually appealing. *Thumbsup*

I think the layout works well, and I really like the fact that people can add comments and these will be added to the memorials. This is an interactive site and an interactive memorial. Perfect.


*Burstp* SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I love the fact that you've used dropnotes, which again helps to avoid cluttering the page. It also means if someone is looking for someone specific, it is easier and faster for them to find that person. However, I do note that sometimes you haven't finished the dropnotes correctly so the next user is hidden within the current dropnote.

Specifically - PETTIECOOL 's dropnote covers Ramblin Rose so that Ramblin Rose can't be seen unless you click on Pettiecool. And the same with VerySara - her dropnote covers Spongebob Squarepants who doesn't show up until you click on Very Sara's dropnote.


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
Kiya, this is a wonderful service you provide for this site. I wholeheartedly applaud you. Other than a couple of minor errors in Writing ML, this is really great, and I think it fully deserves the five stars I give it.
Thank you so much for doing this for all of us.
Elle

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
59
59
Review of One Little Toad  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Mumsy,
I was browsing through your portfolio as part of the Game of Thrones activity and found this wee children's poem. I know you entered it into "The Littlest Poetry Contest" , and I appreciate that. The kids are having such fun judging the contest, and I hope you'll enter again. In the meantime I wanted to let you know my thoughts on it (bearing in mind I was not a judge and had no say in the contest!). *Bigsmile*

*Burstp* GENERAL:
This poem is very simple, which will appeal to children, especially younger children. The counting aspect of it will appeal to both children and parents who are trying to teach young children to count.


*Burstp* CONVENTION:
Although I don't think this is a prescribed poetry form, there is a definite rhythm and an obvious rhyme pattern. Each line contains either nine or ten syllables, with the second half of each line (after the comma) always containing five syllables. The rhyme is internal, with the last word in each line rhyming with the word that falls just before the comma in each line. This works really well and will appeal to children.


*Burstp* SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I noticed that one of the lines has eleven syllables (line eight, about the llamas) but it doesn't detract, so I wouldn't worry about it.

I think the key to improving this poem (and do bear in mind that it is just a suggestion, you can take it or leave it) is the connecting rhymes. While the actual rhyming is fine, the things you choose to rhyme are sometimes more confusing. Okay, maybe just one. Mice slipping on ice? *Confused* Maybe it's just because we don't get ice here in Auckland, as our temperature is very moderate. Do mice walk on ice? I can't even imagine it. There's a whole other concept for a poem, story or movie right there! *Laugh* But it did make me pause and go 'Whaaaat?' *Rolleyes* So yeah, unless it's just some cultural (regional?) misunderstanding on my part, I think that line could be better.

I know you've deliberately avoided punctuation except for the comma in each line (at least, I assume it's deliberate!) but I do think this would be stronger with proper sentences, ie full stops at the end of each line.


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
Two little flowers, in the rain showers
Three little seeds, turning into weeds
I love the imagery these two lines evoke - adorable wee flowers getting drenched in a shower of rain, and then some seeds that don't turn into adorable wee flowers at all, but weeds! *Laugh*


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
Thank you for not only sharing this fun wee poem, but also for entering it into the kids' poetry contest. I enjoyed it. *Smile*
Elle

House Hightower image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review of Notable quotables  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Mumsy!
I just could not resist reviewing this after I found it.

*Burstp* GENERAL:
I was intrguide by the idea that you had compiled a book just of your son's quotes. I record all the funny things my kids say too, and have considered compiling them all in one place before but have yet to do it. Having laughed my butt off at yours, I think I should. *Bigsmile* This was amusing and cheerful and I'm really glad I discovered it.

Your title is perfect. The little snippets you include are indeed notable and quotable, and it lets the reader know what to expect.

The short description gives more info - that these will be quotes from your son, but I got a little confused with the 'will someday be a writer' part. I really wasn't sure how his writing aspirations fit into this. It seemed more along the lines of the funny things all kids say as they're exploring the world around them, but maybe I'm missing something? Maybe he's deliberately making himself MORE quotable because he wants to be noteworthy? In which case it makes sense, but you maybe need to expand on this in the book intro.

The book intro is extremely brief. You don't give us any indication of his age, or why he's called Monkey, which are my first two questions. You could also add in the relation to the writing aspirations here. A picture would work well if you have an upgraded membership - not of your son necessarily, but more like a blog header. Something to draw the eye and catch attention.


*Burstp* ENTRIES:
Some of the entries might be a case of 'you had to be there' or perhaps inside jokes that are only funny to those that understand them (I'm aware that I not only don't know your son but I don't have an American sense of humour or a knowledge of American daily life to assist me). However, most of the entries contain simple, funny humour that will appeal to both kids and adults. I loved the creation of 'purpink' and it was perfect that you supplemented it with your own experience of creating a colour. I am both curious and wary of knowing what colour lavatory might be! *Laugh*

I like that you add your own little comments after the quotes like 'I dunno . . . magic perhaps?' and even the titles of the entries like 'Power of suggestion?' add to helping us put the quote into perspective and give it a setting which makes it more humourous.


*Burstp* SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Apart from the comments I've already made regarding the intro, I would suggest that you don't need to add your signature image to each entry. When someone is reading the blog as a whole, they get this repeated over and over again. I think the entries would be better without the signature image.


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
Thanks for sharing these hilarious quotes. *Bigsmile* They genuinely cheered me up this morning. My biggest request in terms of a suggestion would be 'Please update again! *Laugh* I will definitely be checking back to see what else your son has to say. Thank you so much for sharing these!
Elle

House Hightower image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Sapph,
I've finally got a chance to review this contest!

*Burstp* CONCEPT:
Firstly, I think it is fantastic that we have a contest to support and encourage writing in the LGBT genre. I also like that it doesn't have a focus on erotica (and indeed doesn't allow that) because it means the focus is on normal everyday interactions and that helps 'normalise' the characters. Not that they're not normal already, you know I'm a huge supporter, but it shouldn't be about what happens in the bedrooms. There is more to being LGBT than just what happens in the bedroom and I think that's what this contest encourages people to understand.

I also love the fact that this contest is open to everyone, regardless of orientation. As a straight female, I enjoy reading stories with LGBT characters and I have enjoyed trying my hand at writing these characters too.


*Burstp* IMAGES:
I like that your logo isn't just a gay couple or just a lesbian couple, but encompasses all the variations of LGBT. I know that it is impossible to be truly representative of how diverse the definitions can be, but I think your logo is about as good as it gets. With the figures in silhouette, they can be anything a person wishes them to be, you know?

One thing I feel could be improved is the colour. I understand that the rainbow is representative of diversity, and I think that works well, but I do feel like the colours are too soft, almost washed out. I'd much rather see bold, punchy colours to grab people's attention. That might be just me though. *Smile*


*Burstp* LAYOUT:
The title makes it clear what to expect from the contest.

The subtitle (description?) clarifies a little. The one thing I think might be missing from here is that this is not for poetry. At this point the reader still isn't aware that poetry isn't allowed.

Your genre choices are appropriate. I would possibly have gone with Writing rather than Writing.com, but that's minor and just a matter of opinion.

You hit us with the logo first, which grabs attention, and I always do this in my contests too. *Thumbsup*

Beneath the title you introduce us to the idea that this is a SHORT STORY contest and that it is open to anyone. Perfect. At this point the poets are leaving *Laugh* and those who might be interested in writing LGBT stories but aren't actually LGBT themselves are breathing a sigh of relief and reading on. *Smirk*

Prizes next. I find that despite what anyone thinks about what our priorities in writing should or should not be, people are always interested in prizes and want to know what's in it for them. Why compete in your contest? What could they get out of it? So I think it works well to have the prizes right near the top.

Then the rules. Which also works well. Readers can make sure they're prepared to comply with these before investing any more time in the contest.

I find it interesting that you set out your dates with a separate subheading. I always include my dates in with my rules, or with the prompt itself. It works though, no need to change it I don't think.

Your donations section is clear. I'm not sure whether there's a lot of point having a tier for different levels of donors without having exclusive merit badges up for grabs. Do you find it makes a difference? I'd be interested to know. What I'm curious about is why there are no Gay / Lesbian merit badges up for grabs for donors. I haven't got one of those yet. *Rolleyes*

Your winners aren't updated. I presume that's because you haven't finished judging May yet, but I would leave the April ones up there until you have the May ones. Just a thought, but it looks a little odd without any winners at all.

Your prompts look brilliant. Love the stars. See, bold punchy colours! *Laugh*

And finally the judge. You don't tell us what the judge is looking for though. Os will look for different things in a story to you. I found this really hard to do myself, BUT I do know that when I enter the Weekly Quickie contest I always check who the judge is and what their preferences are, because I will gear my entry towards that expectation. Maybe it's not needed here, but it's something to think about.


*Burstp* RULES:
Your rules are clear and simple. Good work.

No minimum length? Would you accept something like a 50 word story or a 200 word story? Do you ever get really short entries?

I can understand why you ask entrants to specify which prompt they answered (although, truly, it should be obvious shouldn't it?) but why oh why do you require a word count? I have yet to find a contest host that can give me a good reason for this rule. It is the main reason why entrants are disqualified and I do not understand what you gain from it. As host, why do you care what the word count is? If it looks like it's going to be more than 3,000, you can check it. But overall, who cares? Anyway, that's just my opinion, but I really really don't understand why word counts are required with entries.

I like that you have a clear, specified contingency for when you don't get enough entries. That's good so they know what to expect up front.


*Burstp* PRIZES:
Your prizes are good and appropriate to the entry. Just one question - why no option for an awardicon for first place? If you're going to give them 10k in gift points, you could make it so they could choose an awardicon instead. I know, a lot of people would rather just have the gps, but some (like me!) would rather have the awardicon. They cost the same, so a choice might be nice.


*Burstp* PROMPTS:
I love how you always have a generic, one-word prompt like 'rain' or 'socks'. This gives your entrants a lot of leeway. I particularly like these ones. *Bigsmile* Your other prompts are generic enough to suit any character at any point on the LGBT spectrum too, which is ideal. I think the special Pride prompts you have this time around are harder for non-LGBT entrants like me who have no experience with Pride parades or drag. BUT you have coupled them with the regular prompts, so it gives everyone a great option. Maybe too many options? But I think in this case it works. On a regular basis, three prompts is a fantastic amount.

Overall, a really great contest, Sapph. I'll definitely continue to enter as often as I can. *Smile*
Keep up the good work!
Elle

House Hightower image for G.o.T.
62
62
Review of Silence  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Rhyanna,
Here is the third of the three reviews I'll be doing today as part of the Game of Thrones activity. It has been interesting delving through your portfolio, and I hope my reviews have been of some assistance.

*Burstp* GENERAL:
You note this as 'free association' and have filed it as 'other', which makes it difficult for readers to know exactly what to expect when they open it. I was anticipating that you had started with a single word - silence - and then written everything that came to mind on that subject. I admit, I was surprised to see the item was quite short, but that's just my personal expectation, and no judgement on the actual piece.

I am curious if this was an exercise for a class or because you were having trouble coming up with ideas for poetry/stories, etc. What inspired you to write this piece? I'm also curious to know if it is complete, if you intend to ever edit it, work on it, or whether it will eventually become a poem or short story. If you never intend to work on it, reviews are probably a bit redundant, but as we don't know, and it is available for review, I do hope you get something worthwhile from the feedback.

The piece starts off with a dark, moody tone, then lifts a little towards the end. Words like 'barriers', 'scattered', 'dust', and especially 'false' add to this. I also loved the 'slow drip' which puts me in mind of horror movies. It is the word 'tranquility' that most lifts the tone towards the end, even though you follow that with the suggestion that the tranquility won't be granted. You use 'gentle' too which adds to the softer tone.


*Burstp* CONVENTION:
There appears to be no form to this piece whatsoever. I do think it has the potential to be a wonderful poem if you were so inclined as to go in that direction with it. A little rearranging and I think it could be quite powerful as a free form poem.

I love the way you have taken intangible things like satisfaction, one's soul, thoughts, and even silence, and given them substance. You say the silence has shadows, the satisfaction drips, the thoughts lay like dust and the soul is carried by a breeze. Fantastic. I love all of that!


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
The slow drip of satisfaction competes with the scattered thoughts that lay like dust upon an open mind.
I love everything about this line. The slow drip of satisfaction and the dusty thoughts. Brilliant!


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
I like this as it is, and you might note that I've given it four stars out of five, but I do think it could be even more powerful if you take this and create a poem or similar with it. It feels like beginning of something amazing. I also think you'll find a greater audience if you make better use of the categories available to you and currently this is probably prose, and that would be better than 'other' as it is currently.

I enjoyed reading this, and it will linger in my mind for a time as I savour the way you've given insubstantial concepts a tangible, concrete substance. *Smile* Thanks for sharing!
Elle

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review of The Question  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Rhyanna,
I'm back with another review as part of the Game of Thrones activity. *Smile*

*Burstp* GENERAL:
At first I found this prose quite confusing - the young man was obviously leaving, but why? And where? And why was she pleading with God instead of the young man who was going to leave? Or his parents? What was the situation? The only clue came after I had finished reading it, when I just happened to notice that one of the genres you had selected for this item was 'war'. *Idea* Okay, so that makes a lot more sense. The young man is going to war, and the writer is pleading with God not to take him. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. I think a lot of people will miss that small detail, and it really does make a huge difference to the interpretation of the piece, so can I suggest that you either add it in to the introduction (the subtitle?) somewhere, or make a note within the body of the piece? Otherwise, another option would be to edit the piece and somewhere work the idea/theme of war into the actual prose in some way.

The tone of the piece is desperation and I think you manage to achieve that really well. It does come across a little whiny, but I suspect that if I had known that it was about war when I first read it, I might not have thought that it was whiny. *Blush* Certainly we all understand about the desperation that war can bring to a couple who are being separated.


*Burstp* CONVENTION:
This is noted as prose, but I always believed that prose was written in whole sentences without the line breaks of poetry. So to me this feels more like free form poetry, but I am happy to be corrected on that point as I am still quite unfamiliar with prose in general.

You use a simile to compare the young man's face to a sunrise. I have to admit, my mind can't quite understand that. I appreciate that it was blindingly, or mesmerisingly beautiful like a sunrise, but I still struggle to compare a face to a sunrise. I have this image in my head of his face emitting light, which is probably not quite right! *Laugh* You specifically mention the array of colours in the sunrise too, and I'm a little confused how that relates to his face. I don't think it was your intention to suggest that his face was colourful, but that's how it comes across.


*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
For as he stepped in upon the moonlight,
This is a little awkward, suggesting that he both stepped in and stepped on the moonlight at once. One or the other would be better and I think 'stepped in' would work best.

It was spell binding beautiful,
You can say that something was spellbinding (one word by the way) or that it was beautiful, but not spellbinding beautiful. That like saying it was pretty beautiful or cute beautiful. The words don't work together. If you add 'ly' to the end of spellbinding, it works - spellbindingly beautiful. That's like prettily beautiful. I do think it's a little overkill to have both together thoug - spellbinding on its own is sufficient, but if you want to use both, then you'll need to add the 'ly'.

Each moment she encountered in his presence she prayed for for thanks.
You have two 'for's in there, one at the end of the line and one at the beginning. You only need one.
Also, she is praying for thanks. So she is praying that someone (God?) will thank her? Why, what did she do that deserves thanks? I suspect that you meant to say instead that she GIVES thanks, not prays for thanks.

He held within his palms,
You don't need a comma there, although with poetry (and prose?) this is always the poet's prerogative, so please disregard if you are using the comma to control the pace of the piece.

how their's could never be betrayed.
You don't need an apostrophe with theirs.

that, I can promise.
You don't need a comma after that, although again, this is the poet's prerogative in such writing.


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
Thank you for sharing this piece, Rhyanna. I think you captured the desperation, the agony of impending loss, and the pleading that so many women must have done with God when their loved ones left for war. I do think it needs some work to make the subject clearer, and to tidy up a few grammatical errors, but it has huge potential, and I do hope you work on it. *Smile* Thanks for sharing!
Elle

Image #2039493 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review of The Answers  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Rhyanna,
I'm reviewing your poem as part of Writing.com's Game of Thrones activity. It is a pleasure to be able to come and explore your portfolio.

*Burstp* GENERAL:
This poem has a very light, loving tone to it. Words like 'peaceful', 'calming', 'song', 'hope' and 'faith' add to this mood and it works really well. It is always a pleasure to read poetry that feels uplifting and peaceful, and it makes a lovely change from reading some of the darker poetry that is out there.

You note that this poem was written for your husband, when he moved countries by himself. There is no mention if you were to follow him or not, but the information does help us as readers put the poem into perspective and help us to understand what you're trying to say. The poem contains a list of instructions, and they're all ways that you believe your husband can find peace and happy on his own in this new, unfamiliar land. There are positive commands - listen, dance, hear, surrender - and also negative commands - do not doubt, do not fear. This mix of positive and negative provides an interesting balance and avoids you falling into the habit of a too-sweet repetition that might detract from the poem.


*Burstp* CONVENTION:
This appears to be a free form poem, with no set meter or rhyme scheme. For the most parts, the lines appear to be roughly the same length (visually speaking) except for the last line which is a single word. I find it interesting that you broke the line here and kept just a single word separate. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem, and I'm curious as to what inspired you to make that decision. It does put a lot of emphasis on that final word, and really hammers home to the reader that this poem is for 'you' (the husband). It is not an airy fairy letter to the world in general, it is specific, and written only for him, for the 'you' that you address. So although I note that I find it a little odd and interesting, you could also say that I think it works in terms of that additional emphasis. It's certainly not wrong, and any line breaks are always the poet's prerogative, but yeah, it is interesting.

You do use some darker words, which I think again help prevent this poem from becoming a little too sickly sweet. 'Howls' and 'shadows' in particular suggest a darkness that might await your husband in the unknown land he ventures into, but the way the poem is written, you turn those negatives into positives, and I think that speaks for the intention of the poem as a whole - it was about getting your husband to look for the good in all the new uncertainties he would encounter. Fantastic.

There is a level of personification in this poem which I love. The ocean lures him, the wind howls, the shadows speak of the past and the bird sings of hope and faith. I love that. It's quite enchanting.


*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Do not fear that there is certainty of the future,
I'm a little baffled why someone might fear the certainty of the future, and wonder if you perhaps meant uncertainty rather than certainty.


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
Listen to the calming voice which howls through the trees,
for it speaks of the unknown answers.
I really love these lines. How does a calm voice howl? How does it speak of unknown answers? It is quite beautifully confusing. Wonderful.

I love the dancing with shadows sentence too which is an enchanting visual.


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
I really liked this poem, Rhyanna. It was positive, it contained beautiful imagery, and it had a message. I can imagine your husband really appreciated it. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Elle

Image #2039493 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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65
Review of Beyond Caring  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

Hi Nixie,
I'm reviewing this item for the Power raid. *Smile*

*Burstp* GENERAL:
Sometimes it is our strongest feelings that are hardest to put into words. It can be easy enough to write an ode to a summer's picnic or a rant about a bad day at work. But our deepest, strongest feelings have a way of tying us up in knots so we barely understand them, let alone have the ability to put them in words. I am so proud of you for putting your grief on paper (paper, screen, you know what I mean) and giving yourself that outlet. I know it wasn't easy.

This piece is flooded with grief. In reading it, the reader really gets to feel your sadness, your anger and your loss. It is quite heartbreaking to read, so I can't imagine what it must have been like to write. I only hope that in writing it you were able to release some of those emotions to some small degree.


*Burstp* CONVENTION:
You've called this 'prose' but I think it's actually poetry. Well, I'm not sure about that, but that's my initial thoughts. I thought poetry was set in lines and stanzas, and prose was written in sentences and paragraphs. Which would make this a free verse poem. I know you claim not to write poetry, but I'm tempted to playfully disagree and use this as my evidence. *Smirk*

With poetry it is up to the author to use punctuation and grammar as the author sees fit, with no requirement to adhere to regular punctuation and grammar rules. With prose (and again, this is just my understanding) normal rules of punctuation and grammar apply. As poetry, I would suggest that while it is fine (and indeed common) to use a capital letter at the beginning of each line, it is disconcerting for the reader when you do this for every line except one. It highlights that line, and perhaps that was the intention, but the second line is far from the strongest in the piece. So I respectfully suggest that consistency would be more appropriate, and that a capital letter at the beginning of the second line would help the piece.

I loved your use of figurative language in the line 'Your eyes implored me'. That is a really strong, powerful line. And it is descriptive enough to drag emotion out of the reader, but still vague enough that we must use our own imaginations. Those readers who have lost a loved one, or been in a similar situation, will no doubt seeing the eyes of their loved ones when they read that. Very powerful.

You use the word 'you' or versions thereof repetitively throughout the piece. Including you, your and you're, the word is found eight times in only 11 lines. That gives the poem a strong voice speaking to the reader (putting us in the position of being spoken to).

The flow is a little choppy, with harsh consonants breaking it up here and there, but this mostly occurs at the end of a line, which actually works really well. 'Mask' and 'dead' give final punctuation marks to their stanzas. It really gives a solid pause for the reader. Well done. 'Despise' has a strong d sound, but the s's help with the flow there, so that one works well too. The last line is the most jarring, with few soft syllables and no s sounds. It is harsh and unyielding, and it leaves the reader with a real sense of dissatisfaction and negativity. But you know what? I think that's perfect for this piece. It's not a sweet poem. It's not a gentle poem. It's a poem of grief and anger, and leaving the reader feeling unsettled is exactly what I imagine you set out to do (well, other than being an outlet, but you know what I mean). You were unsettled and angry, so you want the reader to feel that. I think you've done that very well.


*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There are no spelling errors, but there are some punctuation issues that bother me a little bit. For perfect punctuation, the trick is to write out the lines as if they were regular sentences, punctuate them, then break them back up into their lines again. But, as I said earlier, in poetry punctuation is at the poet's whim and you can choose to use it or not as you choose. So please bear in mind that these suggestions are merely that, and you need not use them if you don't want to.

Your eyes implored me
When next I saw you
I think both these lines need commas at the end.

Now you've died and gone away.
This was actually a question, so I want to suggest a question mark rather than a full stop. However, it is likely a rhetorical question, so perhaps no question mark is necessary. The pedantic side of me wants the question mark though. *Rolleyes*


*Burstp* SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would say you'll rarely get suggestions for improvement on pieces like this one, because we as reviewers understand that this is very personal, and very close to your heart. Who are we to suggest that your grief should be structured in another way? I'm going to take the plunge and make a suggestion, BUT I do want to reiterate that I understand that this is a personal expression of your emotions and you should never feel like it needs to be adjusted to meet anyone's approval.

My suggestion is to remove the second and fourth lines. The second line is weak and dilutes the piece right at the beginning. It is a very visual line though, and I understand why you've used it. For pure art's sake, I think the piece would work better without it. And once you've taken that, it would work well to have the first and third lines together, without the fourth.

The last time I saw your face
Your eyes implored me

Anyway, it's just a suggestion. Just a thought. Use it or not as you choose. *Smile*


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
Your third line was easily my favourite. As I said, very powerful.


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
For someone who doesn't write poetry, Nixie, this is a powerful, emotive poem. I think you should reconsider your stance. *Smile*
Thanks for sharing this,
Elle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Pencil* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Pencil*


Hi Christina,
This chapter is very definitely separated into two sections. The first is Christina missing Butchie, which fits very nicely into the timeline, and the second is the story of Christina meeting her biological father many years ago. We have discussed flashbacks in previous chapter reviews for this novel, and I truly believe that information such as this meeting with Henry would be better suited to a memoir written in chronological order. To start with, it would enable you to write all the events in first or third person, in chronological order without numerous flashbacks (I think the general rule of thumb is no more than two flashbacks per book, but don't quote me on that) and secondly, it would enable the story of Butchie and Christina's relationship to be told in sequence without being interrupted, so we get a nice smooth flow. I won't belabour the point as I have said all of that before.

The first half of the paragraph works okay. My first impression was that it was a little too similar to the previous chapter. It is natural though that we'd see the pain of the separation from both points of view, so I think that's okay.

I liked that you gave us a glimpse of São Paulo in Christina's musings. I would have loved to have seen São Paulo through Butchie's eyes though. We don't even know where he went or what he saw. Did Christina show him the mansions or take him to posh restaurants? Did they drive through the slums? If not, then he's not likely to be thinking about them at all. If they did, it would be wonderful to see it happen - let us watch them explore São Paulo together, learning the city and each other at the same time.

I'm repeating myself from earlier reviews now, but it would be good to see what Christina is doing as she thinks all these thoughts. Is she lying in bed? Driving to work? Staring wistfully out the window? Writing in a journal? It would be good to mix the thoughts with action so we can visualise the scene. Currently, we can't 'see' the scene because we don't know where she is, what she's doing or what she's wearing, you know?

Beware of long run-on sentences.
She felt a longing...a missing... a strong feeling of wanting something which a person is unlikely ever to have but not with dire wistfulness...
She wanted, as a woman that she was, to touch him, caress him, scratch his back, kiss his neck, touch his hair and head with her open hands and let her fingers go softly through his hair.
What did he think of São Paulo, so big, so different, so metropolitan, so full of buildings and streets and highways, the graffiti, the poverty, the slums and the contrasts, the big, expensive cars, the richness, the mansions, the plush restaurants, the big billboards, the so many people, the big buses, the pollution and the traffic?
These sentences could be broken down into shorter ones that would make them easier to read.

Okay, now on to the second part of this chapter.

I like the fact that we can visualise the scene to some extent. You allow us to see Christina sitting in the airport lounge, watching passengers emerge from the terminal. This is great! It's much better than just being inside Christina's head, because we can imagine the scene. *Smile*

You need to be wary of run-on sentences here too, such as where you list all the things Christina loves about New York.

Another thing to be wary of is using more than one adjective for something. You did this in the first half of the chapter with 'her lovely, different, beautiful orchids' and you do it again in the second half with 'she immediately felt something maybe like a warm, great, familiar gut feeling'. Like the run-on sentences, these leave people feeling distanced from the action. Many editors will tell you that one of the things that an author needs to do after writing their first draft is go back through and eliminate unnecessary words. If you can describe it with one word, don't use two. If the orchids are lovely, don't we already know that they are beautiful? Or vice versa? What are we gaining from the extra word? Perhaps instead of beautiful or lovely, you could describe what the orchids actually look like so we can picture them.

When she looked into his same green eyes as hers... she immediately felt something maybe like a warm, great, familiar gut feeling and... what was the most amazing was that...



SHE

         DID

                   LOOK

                             LIKE

                                       SOMEONE

                                                 AFTER

                                                           ALL...
I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Quite apart from all the other things I've already said about run-on sentences and multiple adjectives, I think you need to avoid speaking in full capitals and also keep all the words on the same line with standard spacing. I realise you've done this for emphasis, but I think it looks unprofessional. Now, that's just my opinion, and if you like it the way it is, you can certainly keep it this way, but I'm not sure an editor (if you were aiming to publish this novel) would allow you to keep it that way. Anyway, you asked for the opinion of a reviewer, and that's my opinion. In the end, it is your story, so you should only make changes that you are comfortable with.

I'm waiting to see Christina and Butchie together again, so I'll have to keep reading! *Bigsmile*

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

** Image ID #1918914 Unavailable **
67
67
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Pencil* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Pencil*


Hi Christina,
My apologies that it has taken me so long to come back to you for another chapter review.

This review is quite short and really centers about Butchie missing Christina after he heads back home. I am still disappointed that we didn't get to see more of their time together - it covered just a single chapter, after 19 chapters leading up to his arrival. I understand that a lot of time was devoted to the long distance aspect of their relationship, but the reader needs to see and feel that connection, and we barely got a chance to see them.

This chapter gives us a hint of Butchie's thoughts and feelings, and provides the opposite point of view from the previous chapter which was Christina's thoughts and feelings. You weave his musings in around his travels and allow us to catch glimpses of him sitting in his seat on the plane, falling asleep, navigating airports, etc. This is a good thing, and I know I've said to you before that I would like to see more of the character and what they're doing as they think, rather than just their thoughts.

It would be great to have more 'showing' than telling. I've explained this in previous reviews, but I'll give some examples here to illustrate what I mean.

He immediately fell asleep waking up an hour later, in São Paulo. The airport was full of people. He had to change planes and go to another airport - why another airport ? and he was confused by the language, the rainy day, the shuttle buses and the frustration of being a tourist in another country that is not yours. Then, he caught his flight to Miami, arriving there in the late evening.
So instead of 'he immediately fell asleep', you could say:
Butchie frowned as some clumsy passenger bumped his elbow, but slowly shut his eyes. The chatter of the other passengers slowly faded as he drifted off to sleep with Christina's image in his mind and a slight smile on his lips.
Then, 'waking up an hour later in Sao Paulo' could be:
Butchie's delightful dream of waking up next to Christina, the early morning sunshine streaming through a break in the curtains, was rudely interrupted by a stewardess alerting him to his arrival in Sao Paulo. He knew he had to hurry to catch another flight to Miami, but his feet felt leaden, as if every step took him further from Christina. His dark blue shirt was hopelessly crumpled from his snooze on the plane, and he fought a grin knowing that Christina would be itching to smooth it. He ran a hand over one rough cheek and knew that if he was with her he would have shaved by now, to avoid abrading her tender skin. How was it possible to miss someone so much after such a short time?

Anyway, those are just examples. I guess I'm trying to say that we spend all our time in Butchie's head, but don't get to see what he sees. We can't picture the scene. What is he wearing? What does he see at the airport? How does he feel, physically? What textures or sensations does he feel? What does he taste? We don't need all of these all of the time, but we do need some of them every now and then to help us picture the scene as we read. We want to be able to see it in our head like a movie.

There are some technical errors in the paragraph, incorrect tenses, that kind of thing, but there's no point dwelling on such minor details when it needs more revision than that, so I haven't pointed these out at this time.

We've witnessed Butchie and Christina's long distance romance, their brief meeting and their tearful separation. What's next? I'm off to find out!

*NoteO* ~ Elle

*StarO* WRITE ON! *StarO*

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Review of July 1863  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #2001331 Unavailable **


Hi PandaPaws,
As one of my tasks at "a very Wodehouse challenge" , I have to review items that are set in (or are about) the civil war. As a New Zealander, I'm not familiar with America's civil war, and know only the very basics, so please bear that in mind as I do my review. *Smile*

*Burstp* GENERAL:
My first impression was that you use some beautiful figurative language in this poem. 'Marshmallow clouds' and 'chocolate torrents'! This doesn't sound like war at all, it sounds like my idea of a fantastic dessert! *Laugh* Certainly at first read, the poem has a wonderful flow and draws me in.
As I read it again, I take more notice of moody words like 'taunting', 'defeated', 'weary' and 'wounded'. I start to realise that my first impression of beauty and flow is not the reality in the scene.

I would imagine that with a poem like this you would want that dark mood to come across on the first read, and yet I am loathe to suggest that you change any of your figurative language, because I love the idea of marshmallow clouds and chocolate torrents. Do they truly belong in this poem though? Well, maybe, but they do have an effect on the mood, and I think it detracts from, rather than enhancing your poem.

When I look away from the poem and think of the scene you describe, I picture weary soldiers plodding on horseback through the rain and muck. I think you do an excellent job of portraying that scene, so please bear in mind that my comments about the mood of the poem were a first impression, and I note them for your benefit only, so you can get an idea of how I saw and interpreted your poem.

Despite knowing very little about America's civil war, there was nothing I failed to understand. Whether I knew what the different sides stood for, or which was which, was largely irrelevant. There were the Union forces and the Rebel forces, and they were on opposite sides. The rest could be any war scene in any country in history. Well, maybe the horses date it a little, they don't tend to use those much anymore! But it was easy for anyone to read and understand, which I appreciate.

*Burstp* CONVENTION:
Although you don't note the form of the poem, it appears to be free verse. I couldn't see any rhyme or meter pattern.

I think your use of consonance really helps the flow of the poem. For instance, 'taunting' and 'retreating' make good use of the repeating T sound, and then 'retreating', 'rebel' and 'forces' follow with a repeating R sound. 'Marshmallow', 'clouds' and 'daylight' repeat an L sound, and on it goes. I really like the way you've done this, as it makes the poem feel very smooth, as if it would just slide off the tongue when spoken aloud.

You use personification well when the campfire taunts the soldiers. That's excellent, and I can see how they would feel taunted by them. It fits perfectly.

*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
You alternate between using a comma and a full stop at the end of each line, yet to me it doesn't feel like that is where the sentences should end. For punctuation (when the poet appears to be using standard punctuation rules as you seem to be) I find it easiest to take the lines out of the equation and punctuate it as if it were prose. If I'm wrong, and you're not intending to use standard punctuation, please ignore this correction.
Currently you have this:
The Union campfires flicker, taunting the retreating Rebel forces. The marshmallow clouds of daylight, have since given way to rain. Causing once tranquil waters, to rush in chocolate torrents. As the badly defeated soldiers, trek through the muddy forests. Their general pauses on horseback, to inspect his weary troops. And the mournful cries of wounded men, drown out the crickets' song.
I would have punctuated it like this:
The Union campfires flicker, taunting the retreating Rebel forces. The marshmallow clouds of daylight have since given way to rain, causing once tranquil waters to rush in chocolate torrents. As the badly defeated soldiers trek through the muddy forests, their General pauses on horseback to inspect his weary troops and the mournful cries of wounded men drown out the crickets' song.
If you now convert those back into lines, the poem should read a lot more easily. Of course, as I say, if you have used the punctuation you currently have as a deliberate tool to create pauses, that's different.

Also, as General is a title, it should have a capital letter.

*Burstp* SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have mentioned the way that 'marshmallow' and 'chocolate' detract from the somber mood of the poem, and the punctuation. I can think of nothing else that needs improving in this poem, and I really enjoyed it.

*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
My favourite lines were the first two and the last two.

The Union campfires flicker,
taunting the retreating Rebel forces.

And the mournful cries of wounded men,
drown out the crickets' song.

They start the poem strongly and end it strongly too. To me, these lines are really clear on the mood, with 'taunting' and 'mournful', and they help paint a vivid picture too. Well done.

*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
I really enjoyed this poem. I think the scene, of the soldiers riding away through the mud, the fires in the distance, will stay with me for some time. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Elle

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69
69
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Lynda,
This is the final edit review I owe you from the auction package you won. *Smile*

Oh Lynda, I love this piece! I was drawn to it from the title and short description, and I was all ready with my virtual red marker pen, but ended up just reading straight to the end without stopping. Wow. This is really excellent. I love the way you've told it from the commanding officer's point of view, but it's about the young soldier's hopes and dreams. I love the way you share a mix of action, dialogue and internal thoughts. I loved the ending. *sniff* I had to go all the way back to the beginning to start looking for things you could edit. *Smile*

In truth, it does need a little editing and polishing - punctuation, use of italics, etc. These are easy to fix, and I'll give you a line-by-line breakdown to help you spot the errors.

I'm going home next month. No more tours for me. I've never even seen my little girl."
This needs speech marks at the front.

Too many soldiers lost and for what? Stop it Sergeant, he thought to himself.
You need to remove the italics on 'he thought to himself'.

Several men had been killed when they got there. He sent two of his very best men to find and kill them.
This sounds like the 'very best men' are being sent to find the 'several men who had been killed'. *Smile*

Now soldier, Go!"
You don't need a capital letter on 'Go'.

"Yes Sir, Serge!
I believe the shortened version of Sergeant is 'Sarge', not 'Serge'. I'll point these out for you when I find them, but it's over to you if you want to change them. I found 'Serge' distracting though, because it looks like it's pronounced 'surge' rather than 'sarge'. Anyway, it's up to you which way you want to go, I'll just point them out.

Serge, I'm not getting anything but static."
Again, I would use 'Sarge' here instead.

"Yes Sir"
This needs a full stop.

"Yes Sir, Serge."
Another 'Sarge' here.

Find those dam F_#@*rs and kill them"
'Dam' should be spelled 'damn'. You need a full stop at the end of the sentence. I would spell out the f-word in full, or substitute another word. Using symbols looks very unprofessional in a short story like this. If you're going to go with the word, use the whole word.

Martin was a sharp shooter and the best. He never missed his mark.
I would combine these two sentences. 'Martin was the best sharp shooter and never missed his mark.'

Looks like were in for a long night."
'Were' should be 'we're' as it is short for 'we are'.

"Serge! Company C is trying to get fire power over here, but they said they didn't know when they could send it."
Another instance where I'd use 'Sarge'.

"OK son, I guess we'll just have to wait it out."
I would spell out 'OK' as 'okay'. It's more professional to avoid using abbreviations wherever possible.

"Head for the building and take cover!" the Serge shouted.
'Serge' or 'Sarge' (whichever you end up going with) is an informal term, and shouldn't be used by the author, just the characters. I would call him 'Sergeant' here.

Mortar shells thudded and the AK's continued to fire.
Again, the author should avoid using abbreviations. Characters can, but not the author. You could use 'guns' if AK47's seems too long.

In the distance, black smoke curled upward, they heard the war raging.
This feels like it needs another word. Perhaps 'and they heard the war raging'. *Smile*

"Serge, here comes Martin and Brady.
Another 'Sarge' here.

"We found the bastards Serge," Martin said.
Another 'Sarge' here. I would use a comma after 'bastards'.

They're dead, but not before Brady took a shot through the shoulder.
This needs speech marks at the beginning.

We have a man shot over here!" The Sergeant shouted.
You don't need a capital letter on 'The'.

The Medic will take care of him."
You don't need a capital letter on 'Medic', as this isn't the soldier's official rank.

Damn't, he thought to himself, I shouldn't have sent a rookie to begin with.
You need to remove the italics from 'he thought to himself' as these aren't part of his actual thoughts. I haven't seen 'damn it' contracted in that way before. *Smile*

He's been over here three times now and says he is taking another tour when this one is over.Then there's Brady.
You just need a space between these two sentences.

He said if he left the service he would become a Mercenary.
'Mercenary' doesn't need a capital letter because it's not a rank.

Weems understood, because his wife took off with someone else while he was on his second tour. He made the service his life.
I'm not sure why you haven't italicised these sentences too, as they appear to form part of the same train of thought as the rest.

"Sure Serge." Martin said.
Another 'Sarge' here. The full stop after 'Serge' needs to be a comma, as the dialogue tag is part of the same sentence as teh dialogue. I'd use a comma after 'Sure' too.

" Private Brady, get that missile set up?"
Should this be a question? I wonder if a full stop or exclamation mark would work better, as it sounds more like an order.

"Any time now!" the Serge shouted.
Again, I don't think the author should use the informal 'Serge' or 'Sarge' but rather the more official 'Sergeant'.

"Private!, what are you waiting for?" Serge shouted.
You don't need a comma if you use an exclamation mark, but you do need to use a capital letter on 'What' as this is a new sentence. Again, I wouldn't use 'Serge' when it isn't a character talking or thinking.

Brady took his eye off of the telescope.
You don't need the word 'of' here. 'Brady took his eye off the telescope' is sufficient.

"Something's not right Serge."
This needs a comma after 'right'.

"Soldier, do I have to fire that missile myself?" Serge ask.
'Ask' should be 'asked'. And I would use 'Sergeant' rather than 'Serge'.

The tank had advanced far enough where he could see the United States Flag waving in the air.
You don't need a capital letter on 'flag'.

"Well I'll be dammed," the Sergeant replied.
'Dammed' should be spelled 'damned'.

"Thank you Serge, Thank you!"
You don't need a capital letter on the second 'thank'.

You got through and you're bringing back help," the Serge said.
"Sergeant' instead of 'Serge' here.

"Put that on you neck soldier, you don't want to lose it again."
'You' should be 'your'.

I was really impressed with this piece, Lynda. Excellent work. When you've edited it, be sure to let me know so I can come and re-rate it for you. *Smile*
Elle


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70
70
Review of Number Ten  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with Muse Masters Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
** Image ID #2001331 Unavailable **


Hi Lynda,
I'm reviewing your poem as part of the auction package you won from me. *Smile*

*Burstp* GENERAL:
I'm not sure what the prompt was that inspired this poem. I'd love to know. Would you consider adding that to the disclaimer, or maybe in a footnote? It would help to give the poem some context. *Smile*

The poem had a fun feel to it, which is enhanced by the rhymes and meter you've used. It's about a young boy going out to catch a chicken for dinner and it could easily be read aloud to children. I had this image in my head of a teacher reading it aloud to a class of children and all of them giggling at Joey's antics. *Laugh*


*Burstp* CONVENTION:
You've used an aabb rhyme scheme throughout the poem, but there are two 'thorn lines' that don't fit the rhyme scheme at all.
So, with his bare hands
We will start a New Year
Neither of these lines rhyme with any other line in the poem. I'm sure you've done it deliberately, but my personal opinion is that these thorn lines detract from the poem. They break the rhythm and flow, and give it a choppy, disjointed feel. I strongly recommend rewriting these lines so they fit into the same aabb rhyme scheme as the rest of the poem.

Not all the rhymes are what we would call 'perfect rhymes'.
P.M.
pen.

fate
crate.

crowing
knowing

I don't think these detract from the poem though. They remind me of the kind of rhymes that rappers use - when spoken aloud, they rhyme well enough to fool the human ear. I didn't notice at first that they weren't perfect rhymes, and it's because they fit well, flow well and are close enough rhymes for the purpose of the poem. When this is read aloud, especially to children, these will work just fine. *Thumbsup*

The meter falters on some of the lines. When I count the syllables, I get this pattern: 7, 9, 7, 9, 5, 7, 8, 9, 8, 6, 6, 5, 7, 6, 6, 9. At the beginning, when it was 7, 9, 7, 9, that's when I felt the rhythm was strongest. I stumbled pretty hard when I hit the 5 syllable line and found it hard to get back on track again, especially with those shorter lines towards the end. If you were able to keep a consistent 7, 9, 7, 9 pattern going throughout the whole poem, I think that would make it a lot stronger. A poem doesn't need a consistent syllable pattern, but in this case, I did feel that the first four lines were so strong that I'd loved to have seen that continue and I think adjusting the syllable count would do that.


*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
You've chosen to use standard punctuation (rather than no punctuation or using a capital letter at the beginning of every new line), so it's best to be consistent and make sure that all standard punctuation rules are followed. The easiest way I've found to do this is to 'ignore' the lines and check the punctuation as if the words were in sentences.

Knowing well, one chickens fate Joey saw there was no chicken crate.
The comma needs to be removed from after 'well' to after 'fate'. Also, there needs to be an apostrophe in 'chickens', because the fate belongs to the chicken. *Smile*

So, with his bare hands He began chasing the hens As they scattered around the pens.
You don't need a capital letter on 'he' or on 'as'.

The rooster came out loudly crowing And Joey shouted all knowing Go away number ten I will take me a hen Go back to your roost or I will give you a boost We will start a New Year with number eleven and you will be in chicken heaven.
You don't need a capital letter on 'and'. Because Joey is shouting, you should have speech marks before 'Go away' and after 'heaven'. You need a comma after 'ten', and a full stop after 'hen' and 'boost'.


*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
Knowing well, one chickens fate
This line just amuses me. It sets the tone for the rest of the poem. *Smile*


*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
Hey, for someone who claims not to write poetry, you did pretty good! I think it would be really easy to polish this up into a pretty decent children's poem. Just remember, as always, that my suggestions are only that - suggestions. You don't need to change anything if it doesn't suit you because you are the author, and poetry is very subjective. Be sure to let me know if you choose to edit this, so I can come back and rerate it. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your poem,
Elle

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71
71
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Jeff,
I'm back for another fantasy story! *Bigsmile*

I'll be honest, I looked up the definition of cataphile before reading this short story. I had wondered if it was some kind of mythical creature. *Blush* Reading about the cataphiles was quite interesting (and distracting, since I was meant to be reviewing this piece!). I started the story curious to find out how you were going to incorporate fantasy into the catacombs of Paris - the possibilities seemed endless really.

I was intrigued by the plot when I realised that Stephen was at a faerie rave (loved that line, by the way!)...but then you totally caught me in the twist, and I wasn't expecting the story to go in the direction that it did.

This isn't gritty, intense writing, but it was fun and clever. I enjoyed reading it. I loved the descriptions you used, from 'their laughter and footfalls echoing off the darkened buildings and old cobblestone streets' to the descriptions of the wings that were so detailed I felt I could see them. This lent depth to your story and made it feel more real and certainly more enjoyable to read.

I liked the addition at the end of Marcel's next few visitors. That worked well to round the story off and give a sense of completeness to the story.

Probably my only question is why they needed the blood, and how it helped them. That wasn't fully explained, but probably isn't strictly necessary.

I only found a few technical errors, which are detailed below.

"Amazing, aren't they?" She asked.
'She' doesn't need a capital letter as the dialogue tag is part of the sentence.

But people most just call us faeries."
This sentence doesn't sound right. It seems like it should be 'But most people' or 'But people mostly'.

"Ow!" He yelped, craning his neck to see what had stuck him.
"Jesus!" He yelped, looking down to find one of the male faeries just pulling away from his leg with ruby-coated lips.

Although it's possible that you intended 'He yelped' to be part of a separate sentence, it is more likely a dialogue tag, in which case 'he' doesn't need a capital letter. I would also consider using another word other than 'yelped' as you have used this twice in relatively quick succession.

Thank you for another enjoyable fantasy read, Jeff. I have enjoyed all three of your tales, and discovered you are a master of the 'twist' in a short story. You integrate fantasy and mythological creatures into your writing with great ease and I look forward to reading more of your work.

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72
72
Review of Nix  
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Jeff,
It's a pleasure to read another of your fantasy short stories. *Smile*

The title gives nothing away, but the short description provides enough information for someone to decide if it's something they want to read or not.

I found the idea of a supernatural police task force to deal with supernatural criminals interesting, although not unique. I have read books with similar themes in the past, but it is a neat idea with plenty of scope for originality and interest.

I thought you had an excellent handle on Nix's personality. Nothing she did seemed out of character, and the more I read, the more I was able to predict what she would and wouldn't do. She became real, which is testament to your writing skill. I liked that she had weaknesses and flaws, as well as strengths, although her flaws were not of a physical nature, but rather in regards to her choices and decisions.

It seemed to take the story a while to get to the action, but during that time I felt that there was a constant increase in tension and anticipation that kept my interest. I know we are often told to start with the action directly, and that may make your story stronger, but it works well as it is.

The scene with the man at the port was played out in a way that kept the reader distanced from the action. Nix watched the action, she discussed the action, but the only time she participated was a single punch. It didn't feel like there was danger, tension or conflict. I felt like we were waiting for the real action to start. And we were.

The bank robbery took an interesting twist, but I kept waiting for something that never happened. There was no conflict, no tension. I didn't feel like Nix was ever in danger, not physically, emotionally, or in any way. So I found it a little anticlimactic. Perhaps if there was physical danger as a result of their antics outside the bank, or she was in danger of losing her job, or if the criminal went on to cause some fatal accident that she agonised over because she could have prevented it... There were a few scenarios that I envisioned, but none of them eventuated, and I felt like the story lacked a little something in that sense.

The writing was technically very good, with few errors. I noted a couple of places where you had used capital letters in dialogue tags that weren't necessary. I have highlighted these for you below. I have also made a few line-by-line comments.

When Nix walked through the Academy doors and showed the instructors what she could do, the LAPD knew they had something special.
Although this is pretty in-your-face obvious as a way to tease your reader with the idea that they must keep reading if they want to find out what Nix's special ability is, it works well. It made me want to read on and find out!

Even though her work carried her all over the city, Nix's office was in the Harbor Division out of San Pedro thanks to the LAPD frequently loaning her out to the Port of Los Angeles Police and the frequent smuggling and immigration problems they had to deal with.
This is quite a long sentence and I think it could be broken down in to at least two sentences. I also think it needs a comma after San Pedro.

"Who the hell are you?" He demanded.
You don't need a capital letter on 'he', as this is all one sentence.

"Thank God!" He said, relieved.
And again here, this is all one sentence so 'he' doesn't need a capital letter.

Do you need backup?" The officer called after her.
I don't think 'the' needs a capital letter here either.

"I've got a talent of my own," she said simply.
This is another way of keeping your reader in suspense, but it fits perfectly with the character and situation and works superbly. Well done. *Smile*

"Any idea what we're dealing with in there?" She asked him.
Another one where the tag doesn't need a capital letter.

Thank you for letting me read this story, Jeff. I haven't encountered these particular abilities before, so it was particularly interesting in that regard. *Smile*


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73
73
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Shared butterfly

Celebrating "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's 7th anniversary!


Hi Jeff,
It is a pleasure to review this item for you.

The title gives nothing away, yet looking back after reading the story, it fits perfectly. *Checkg*

The short description tells us a little bit more. It is fantasy, so we should expect the unexpected, and a battle. Both of these proved true! *Checkg*

The genre choices are perfect. *Checkg*

At first I was wondering why we were being distanced from the action of the battle, by the conversation between Raza and Raith. Why weren't we in the midst of the battle, in the thick of the action? Of course, I did discover why. Well played, Jeff!

I slowly figured out the manipulation behind the battle, just as you planned me to. But I never saw the dragons coming. Masteful! *Bigsmile*

As I finished reading, I realised I wouldn't change a thing about the plot and the way you have put all the pieces together. It works so well. However, the piece does need a little minor editing. Allow me to point out a few small things. *Smile*

while smaller faction of robed Priests of Zava faced them across the famed red grass.
I think this sentence is missing a word. Should be 'while a smaller faction'.

The residents of Zava were, in fact, each and every one of them casters,
I think this might need an extra comma after 'them'.

The Bloody Plains were, in fact, named for the fact
This sentence would be stronger if you chose a different word or rearranged it so that you don't use 'fact' twice in such close succession.

Long ago, a pact was made than any all-out, full-on battles would be waged here
Than should be that.

The pact has continued for generations and, as a result, this small patch of land has been stained with more blood than any other across the whole of the world. So much so that it's seeped into the very soil, turning the grass and other foliage a rust-colored red and leaving a lingered metallic tinge to the air. It's said by some that the Plains can cause a man to go crazy with bloodlust if he spends too much time in its red grass.
This excerpt is all in present tense, yet the rest is all in past tense. This section needs to be amended to match the rest of the story. So 'The pact had continued' rather than 'the pact has continued'. 'The small patch of land had been stained' rather than 'This small patch of land has been stained'. I think that will fit with the rest of the story better.

I did wonder why siege engines were being used on a battlefield. To me, siege engines are used in sieges against fortresses or castles. However, my husband assures me that they were indeed used on battlefields, so I stand corrected. *Smile*

It hit the tower, avoiding the worst, but hot oil still sloshed out and rained down on the nearby Priests of Zava, causing them to shriek in pain as their skin was scalded.
This sentence is really awkward. Perhaps with a bit of rearranging, it would be clearer for the reader. Perhaps 'The oil hit the dirt, but a few unlucky Priests were hit by splashes, causing them to shriek in pain as their skin was scalded.' That's just an example of course. The original sentence just seems a little unclear.

And then all hell broke loose.
I like this. I probably shouldn't because it is a 'narrator's voice' rather than us being shown the story as it unfolds, but it heightens tension and anticipation, and I think it works. *Smile*

hurling cannonball-sized globes fire
This is missing a word. It should be 'globes of fire'. Love the word globes!!

More cauldrons of oil sailed west, accompanied by archers' arrows and slingers' stones. In retaliation, the Zavans charged forward, hurling cannonball-sized globes fire and javelin-like lighting bolts conjured out of thin air. Siege engines toppled as the ground opened up beneath them, and robed priests cried out as cavalry charged and struck them down with swords and pikes. Screams of pain mingled with screams of triumph, and cries of victory became indistinguishable from cries of agony. The smell of burnt wood, burnt flesh, and blood filled the air, and the Bloody Plains welcomed these warriors home.
I love your use of repetition and alliteration here. It gives the text a nice texture.

Raith gasped.
This seems a little contrived. Perhaps using it as a speech tag with some sort of exclamation would work better. "Finally?" he gasped. I'm not sure, but as it stands, it just didn't fit the flow of the story.

Again, I must reiterate that I really enjoyed the 'twist' in the story, and I thought the plot was revealed to the reader in a very clever way. Excellently done, Jeff. *Smile*

Elle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
74
74
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Audra,
This review is part of the package you won in the "Genre Auction and Fundraiser" . *Smile*

First impressions
I liked your title. It's quirky, it's humourous and it tells the reader something about you and your blog even before they start reading. *Thumbsup* That's exactly what a title should do.

Your short description suggests that your blog wasn't created simply to participate in a certain (or more than one) blogging activity, nor does it have a set theme. Some people like a blog to have a theme, but personally when I read a blog I want to find out more about the person behind the writing. My blog is similar to yours in that it's not themed, it's just...me. So while your short description might not appeal to everyone, it is descriptive, and it works for me. *Bigsmile*

As I was reading your introduction, I noticed a typo in the second sentence, well, a letter that was lower case when it should have been a capital. I was just about to point it out when I continued reading to the next sentence which expressly informs me that there will be typos! *Laugh* I disagree with your idealogy here - I believe that if you correct typos, etc in your blog entries, they become more enjoyable to read, especially by other writers who are often pedantic about such things. *Blush* You explain your reasoning well though, and I can't argue with it - my personal way around it is to write the whole entry first so I get out all the emotion, don't impede the flow of words, etc and only then do I run my eye over it and check for errors. Whether that works for you or not is up to you, but I do admit that typos bother me, even in blog entries. Your intro makes it very clear what the reader should expect though, so I think you've done well there.

I love pictures. It is so neat getting a glimpse of the person behind the handle. *Thumbsup*

I like that you tell the reader some things about you, concentrating on things that are unlikely to change in a hurry so the intro doesn't date too quickly, and you do it with what I am starting to see is your trademark quirky humour. *Smile*

The second photo of Reece needs cropping. It doesn't look very appealling at the moment as a small photo in the corner of a bunch of off-white space. It should be a fairly simply matter to crop and upload it again to the same item number.

I love that you sign off with your real name (or at least a name that we can call you instead of going by your handle). Often we read a person's writing and never learn anything about the actual writer - I love to be able to call someone by name and learn a few things about them. So hey, nice to meet you, Audra!

You use what I consider a 'standard' blog layout, where your entries are shown in full, with the most recent at the top. It's just personal opinion of course, but I much prefer this layout to blogs that have a list of contents. Good choice. *Smile*


Entries
" I Got A LOT Better at Screwing Last Week & I'm not Joking!"  - The title definitely made me smile. *Smirk*
You tell the 'story' in chronological order, which makes it easy to follow, but you have a rambling style that feels relaxed and as if we are just friends chatting in person or on the phone. You have a very informal style that works really well in a blog.

I secretly put a curse on him to have all the pvc pipe fall off the shelf as he walks by it. I'm sorry, but he should be nice. Okay, I'm not sorry - well, sorry that I didn't have time to stick around to see if it came true.
That really made me giggle. *Smile*

He's a pretty handy guy - well, I mean I think he has tools.
*Smirk*

"Holy Mother of Drills and Berries!"
*Laugh* This entry just kept getting funnier and funnier!!

The second part of your entry had me thinking that it was going to be more 'ordinary' but then you went on that ramble about roosters and I was just sitting here getting more and more amused. *Bigsmile* And I loved the reference to the Joker song. *Smile*

"I wonder..."  - I have seen (and written) lists like this thanks to various prompts. Sentences that start with the words 'I wonder'. Your list is a curious mix of 'regular' and 'crazy'. I hope you're not offended by that word, I stole it out of your previous entry. *Smirk* It was a quick read, but provided both a small insight into Audra and a smile for the day. *Smile*

"Connections, Memory Loss, and Things you didn't see coming!"  - Okay, the title bugs me, if only because some words are capitalised and some aren't. But that's probably just me. *Blush*

This entry is more rambling that the others that I've read so far, and seemed a little more difficult to follow. To be honest, I'm not sure if that's intentional or not! *Laugh*

"Where the Wind Goes Sweeping Down the Plains & other things"  - This was a hilarious attempt to convince your readers how wonderful your part of the country is.

We have hotter than a hog in heat and colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassiere with a 1000 percent humidity every day of the week and twice on Tuesdays.
That is just not something I'd ever hear where I live (New Zealand) and it was both foreign and funny, and yet illustrated exactly what you were talking about. *Laugh*

We have a few real cowboys, but they are on the farm getting shit on their boots and other lovely things.
*snigger*

"And That is The Reason I Hate Whipped Cream"  - Another very entertaining entry, and I learned a little more about you too (like you clean your car about as often as I clean mine!).

Except maybe asparagus. And peas - that would definitely get me out of the mood.
At this point, I don't even know what this entry is about yet, and I'm already giggling. *Bigsmile*

"Natural Remedy my Ass!"  - Okay, I really really want to put a comma in that title! Without the comma, it sounds like you're telling someone to natural remedy your ass, whatever that might mean. *Smirk*

"MY 100TH BLOG! COME ONE, COME ALL!"  - It felt almost as if you had a check list you were going through as you wrote this, as it jumped from topic to topic without warning, but it was sweet, funny, loopy and irreverent. I can appreciate wanting to do something special for your 100th entry, but in the end, 'classic Audra' is the best I think, and this entry seems to embody a lot of what is typical and great about your blog. You got a touch more serious with this entry, and it was really interesting to see how you dealt with that, but you left on a light hearted note which I liked. Even when you're serious, you maintain that sense of casual, 'chatting with friends' that embodies your blogging style.


Overall, I have to say I loved your blog. You are a highly entertaining blogger, and I found something amusing in every entry. Your style is casual and friendly, rather than formal, and it feels like you've just invited us in for a cup of tea and are chatting. Or more than that, it feels like you just HAD to ring because you had to share this train of thought before you lose it. *Bigsmile* With every entry, the reader feels like they get a glimpse of the real person, which for me is the very reason blogs exist.

I won't deny, the lack of editing irks me. I think if you corrected punctuation and spelling (actually it was more about capitalisation of letters than spelling for the most part) that it would add to, rather than subtract from, your blog. As I suggested at the beginning, if you do it as a final check after you've finished writing the entry, it shouldn't detract from your train of thought or the rambling, irreverent style of your entries. Seriously though, that was my only niggle and I suspect most people would overlook it. I know I'll be back to read more. *Bigsmile*

Thanks for sharing!
Elle

Image #1922496 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
75
75
Review by Elle - on hiatus
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1996908 Unavailable **


Hi there,
I'm reviewing your poem as part of the Power BBQ raid!

*Burstp* GENERAL:
I was curious to read this poem after reading the short description. I was intrigued to know the meaning behind your handle. But I'm grumpy now - you can't go by a handle that suggests you're unworthy!! *Angry* Of course you're worthy! I shall make it my challenge in life to prove you of this. *Laugh* Seriously though, I hope the handle has become more an 'inside joke' than a serious belief that you are unworthy. None of my friends should be feeling unworthy or clearly I'm not doing my job as friend very well!

By the way, one of my pet peeves is people taking my poetry too literally - imaging that they are about real events and emotions when they're not, so please note that I only take this to be about you because your short description mentions that it gives insight to the meaning behind your handle.

The poem has quite a glamorous start, but finishes sadly, leaving the reader feeling unsatisfied. I have no doubt that's deliberate, so well done. You are writing an emotional poem, and you leave the reader with that emotion, that feeling of being less than complete, of being sad.

*Burstp* CONVENTION:
The rhyme pattern seems to change from stanza to stanza. At least, the first stanza is different from the other two. So it goes AABB, CDED, FGHG. I think it would work better with a consistent rhyme scheme (ABCB) which would make the whole poem flow better, but that's just personal preference.

I like your use of metaphors to potray yourself as a dancing monkey and a chorus-girl. They work well to paint the picture of yourself performing on demand.

Your use of sibilance throughout the first and second stanzas really helps with the flow.
First stanza: 'dancing', 'dressed', 'sequence', 'excess', 'squeal', 'spin', 'amaze', 'smile', 'please' and 'gaze'.
Second stanza: 'dancing', 'searching', 'applause', 'chorus', 'chasing', 'spotlight's' and 'pause'.
You don't use it as much in the third stanza, and it really helps give those last lines a feeling of loneliness and incompleteness. Is incompleteness a word? Those lines don't follow the same sound theme and so they feel...left out. Lonely. Like the emotions you are trying to portray. Very cleverly done.

chasing the spotlight's pause.
I stumbled slightly on the meter of this line. It felt a little long, but I love it and am loathe to suggest you change it in any way. I thought maybe changing 'chasing' to 'chases' would be enough to fix the meter issue, but of course grammatically it won't make as much sense. I'll leave it in your hands. It's hard when the words that are perfect don't match the meter you have chosen! I know what that's like!!

*Burstp* GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
You use the word 'sequence' when I think you mean 'sequins'. I love the idea of someone being dressed in 'sequence and excess', but I don't think that's what you meant.

*Burstp* SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I squeal and spin, my audience to amaze.
Smile, monkey! Twirl! Please, hold your gaze!
These two lines felt a little awkward. The first was because 'my audience to amaze' feels like you've moved the words around in the sentence to make the rhyme fit. It just makes the flow a little awkward.
The second line feels like it needs some speech marks or something to make it clear that it is not the same voice talking.

*Burstp* FAVOURITE LINES:
I am a dancing monkey
searching for applause.
I am a back up chorus-girl
chasing the spotlight's pause.
I love these lines. They seem to be the perfect explanation for the emotions you are trying to potray here.

*Burstp* FINAL NOTE:
This is a neat little poem and I am definitely left with an image of a performing monkey, sadly wishing that people would value him (or her!) for more than his (or her!) tricks on the stage. For friendship. Aw, you made me sad. *Sad*
An excellent job at portraying your emotions. Well done.
Elle

** Image ID #1922496 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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