This was certainly a different take on the survival assignment! Wow. Who would have thought the same prompt could lead to such vastly differing stories!
While there were a few typos, the story was well written and certainly complete. It was most interesting altho' some of the scientific stuff lost me for a bit and I'd have to reread it for it to sink in. But it didn't slow me down for long amd was well crafted enough to keep me reading to find out how it would all play out in the end.
Scary, mysterious and a bit of a detective story all rolled into one well rounded bundle! A good read!
The images are strong, the point is made...but there is some confusing language that detracts from the poem as a whole, stopping the reader, which takes away from the power this poem potentially has.
The bones are good, but the mother vowing to never let the child go, and finding out the child is dead and then questioning if love could bring the child back all work to detract from the image of a mother holding her dead child.
This poem, with a bit of revision, could be supremely powerful!!!!!!
This is a confusing plethera of images being fired at the reader like bullets from a sub-machine gun. It flies fast and furious and, initially, my reaction was huh?...then a few seconds later....oh! End result? I really liked the framework and how the poem was designed. Good reflection of what it is saying! Very well done!
While the thoughts brought to mind from the phrase 'withered existence' is good, this poem could benefit from a little more image and showing.
There is a bit of confusion with the line....'losing all I once had-'....do you mean for it to reflect back to the 'it' that is 'taking me over?' (which is what it is saying now) or did you mean that the actof taking you over is making you lose all you once had?
The line 'nothing hears'....nothing is refering to what? A person? The no one hears would be better....
There is potential here and with some revision and editing this could be a dynamite poem!!
There is an interesting and well thought out concept behind this poem, and the bones are good, but this needs some serious revision to bring out its full potential.
Right now it is too talky. But I really ike the thoughts behind it and would love to see this reworked a bit. Lines like 'I always remember and am reminded of' are an example of this.
But the phrase...footprints in time...is wonderful....
Claiming the sky...the family being a pond to drink from...this poem is well crafted with many fresh and new images. It soars with language well used! Reading this out loud, even your voice reflects the joy contained within.
There were parts of this that I liked very much. Poetic expression and a clearly heard picture. The plans of the cyotes, the smell of the bush...the thoughts about the brightly lit houses staving off the darkness.
There are some parts though that need revision. The repitition of the word walkers near the beginning--while it does get your point across, I think it could be done without wearing out the word 'walkers.'
The sentence talking about the seasons --in this countrym in the world--could also use some reworking. Almost don't think both are even needed...world should suffice.
I wish there were more description about Orion's Belt...the 'whys' behind the thoughts...why do you sleep better whenit is in the window...what isit you are associating it with.
You bring up New England...what brought you to the desert?
This is good writing, but as a reader I find myself wanting more 'background' details as to why it is so special to you. You say it is, but never say why....it must be more than the appreciation for the scents of the night walk...details and description..this piece is crying for more...more....
LOVE the last line...tied it up nicely.
How many IDOL houses were there?
The 'Let it be' part was very nice.... I can hear it with you....
This is nice. I'd be interested in seeing a revised version!
I remember the Indian commercial...it haunted me then down deep inside. I like the way you stepped inside and said in words, what his tear represented. Sometimes it is necessary to spell things out for the unenlightened, the dense or the uninformed. Well done, well spoken, good poetry!
This is exceptional! This is a multileveled poem and with or without the caceat about 9-11, it stands screaming out at the night, making its call heard down through the ages! Well done!
There are a couple of places, easily found by reading it out loud, where the rhythm is off a wee bit, but it still works, almost echoing the disjointed terror felt.
This was intriguing. Altho' the 'Swami' has yet to enlighten me as to his thoughts, the prompts caught my muse and I went with it. The premise? A series of prompts lead you on a merry chase with you filling in the details along the way. Then, the Swami will clue you in to things about you by your answers. Interesting, and fun, and at the very least, an unusual writing exercise.
Interesting story told from a child's viewpoint after a passage of time. I found this on the 'Request for Reviews' page.
Plot Summary
A child departs England during a snowstorm. Confused and not a little bewildered about the way the parents are behaving, and wanting to be out playing in the snow, the child instead is whisked off with no explanations to the airport and headed for Detroit.
Characters/Characterization
This is a very short, short story, and as such, the characters are not too well developed. It seems almost more of an introduction/prologue to a longer piece. The child is somewhat individualized, the mother as well, the father much less.
Improvement Possibilities
I think more detail would enhance this story. While the attention to detail is evident in the mother's walking carefully in the snow, and possibly being symbolic of the way the mother would normally act, if this type of observation were more evident throughout, it would strengthen the story immeasurably.
The image of the mother walking very carefully is repeated at the end of the story. While I thought this device was well used, I found the lingering image to over-ride the rest of the story and to question why this woman would tred so uncarefully (in a sense)to pick up her child and leave her country so precipitiously, in a blizzard no less.
Final Thoughts
I enjoyed this. I particularly liked the story beginning and ending with the mother walking carefully into the snow. I just found myself wanting to know more. In the knowing more, I should be able to form more of an attachment to the characters. This is something that (I think) is especially important within the framework of a short story.
On several levels, I really enjoyed this poem, reminiscent of "Mr Nobody."
Best stanza was :
I’d sneak up slowly next to you
And pinch you while you slept.
Nibble your nose, tickle your toes
I’d trip you as you stepped.
I do have a question about the rhyme scheme tho'. There is a standard pattern going, but it isn't present in either the first, or the last stanzas. ondering if this was intentional or....
the 1st was an abcb...the last...aaab
This does disrupt the flow of the poem enough to be noticable. I think the poem would flow better if these lines were revised.
Oh this should be a children's book...I can see the illustrations perfectly in my mind!!!!
Wonderful poem story with just the right amount of rhythm and rhyme to to make it fun!!!
Great story line to it as well!!! Clever concept!
My only suggestion is for the line:"They played in the snowflakes; a glorious sight." Perhaps, rather than repeating the word snowflakes again, you could use snow or alternatively, the played 'with' the snowflakes (as they once had with the butterflies!)
Overall tho', well written with excellent images...a brightly 'colored' poem!!
Initial Impressions
The title here is what cought me eye, and then the short summary.
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
No specific lines or combinations, but the dialog here was executed flawlessly. It moved the story along and was true to each speaker.
Final Thoughts
One of those stories that make you wonder part way through, 'How will the author work his way out of this mess?'
The author does this in such a way you will smile for quite a long time after finishing this excellent short story. This is one of those reads that sticks with you! It would be an excellent children's story as well!
Initial Impressions
This was a short story detailing a woman's decision to leave her abusive husband centering the focus on the actual event of leaving (hence the train whistle) with additional tension being supplied by the the husband's arrival and subsequent attempt to stop her.
What I liked best or especially effective devices...lines or word combinations
I liked the varied interpretations available for the reader to assign to the train whistle...this was a quite effective device, used exceptionally well!
I found most of the dialog to be well written, especially the inner dialog within the woman's head.
Improvement Oriented Comments
There are two things that I think would make this short story better and, specifically, more powerful.
While there is a bit of description (other people at the station...the outdated and worn clothing she wears) I think that this piece could use a bit more description to make the setting come much more alive. More details would add much. Train stations tend to be bustling, hurried places with a variety of emotional states surging all around. I did not see this here. More description and details would bring this story more life. For example, she is taking the train to 'New York.' Where is she now? New York or New York City? Why NY? Big place to go with no specific destination in mind...or is she planning on the overwhelming bigness of it to be lost in?
It is an expensive place to hide in...doesn't sound as if she would have the funds available to her to take on NYC.
The other thing that deserves attention, is the sense that this wasn't quite real. Not that it may or may not have happened, but that the feelings, while saying many of the right things, just aren't ringing true. It is too pat....somehow. As a reader, I wanted her to fight back immediately...not think about it. A busy place is the safest place to confront, or resist an abusive person due to the fact that the average abusive spouse cannot handle the public attention being focused on him as anything less than perfect. It would seem that she should have been more likely to react for herself here, rather than having to deliberate about it.
One excellent thing in the middle of all this part, is her thought process after he is subdued...the worrying, the still feeling a bit bad for her husband. At least, she was strong enough not to cave in at this point, which, unfortunately, happens all too often.
Final Thoughts
I think that this has the potential to be an extremely powerful and inspirational short story. It is well on its way, but needs a bit of work, still, for it to give those validating moments and mind freeing decisions the stature they deserve. I would be most interested in reviewing this again after some rewrites and revision.
Oh, this was good! The last two stanzas were especially well written, although this entire poem about spring's arrival is chock full of rain-drenched images, fresh as a spring day...no hackneyed cliches here, just a string of picture perfect images, one after the other, each better than the last, until the final two stanzas where it all comes together.
Frizzled hair...still sitting here giggling over that line!
Initial Impressions
The title of this caught my eye, and then tugged at my mind. Beyond that, the overall portrait was multi-layered, layers appearing as one sees more stones beneath the waves.
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
'Silence, a sentinel,' <--excellent line, full of images, one after another....
'...a stone will still wear your shadow'<---wonderfully crafted thought/image. Fresh, meaningful and reflective of the reflections mentioned earlier in the poem.
Improvement Oriented Comments
Only thing that stopped the flow was the 'to not let the current' line. It simply didn't flow as easily as all the rest.
Final Thoughts
The lines about tugging fanciful poetry still linger. Poetry, in my mind, should linger in the mind, and yours is doing just that. In the lingering, more layers appear, and that, is what goodpoetry is all about!
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Initial thoughts/impressions
Right off the bat, the character of the truck becomes real. We see, hear, feel its reality. Did wonder to whom the trunk was telling the story to, however...
What I found to be exceptional lines/sections
this..."My wood is dulled with age and abuse, splintering at the edges. My hinges are rusty and screech annoyingly when forced to move. My lock’s broken, shattered and useless. My inside’s are stained and littered with mice holes. And a strange odor hangs about me. It’s the scent of old age, the scent of being locked away in dusty, cobwebbed attics and damp, musty basements for far too long."<---n absolutely wonderful description!!!!!
and...."where she found the old cook wielding a heavy cast iron pan against one of Ivan’s soldiers."<------great image!
What needs work
Paragraph 3..." the precarious brother murdered Arthur" precarious is the wrong word here...
The part where the truck speaks of the voodoo priestess...how OLD IS the trunk...this needs to be clearer...trunks last about 300 years, maybe....and the story implies thousands...
A bit of confusion as to how far she traveled while in the trunk...days, perhaps? Much more than a week and she'd have died of dehydration...and as relates to the time involved before they got word of the family being murdered....from when she was found until she finally commuicates with Griffen (LOVE the name) appears to be perhaps 9 or 10 months...seems a bit long for word to travel 20 miles or so even back 400 years or so....
Use of "to his son as The Miracle Worker" brings to mind Helen Keller and really isn't quite the right phrase to use here...
The word here should be 'borne'..."especially since she had bore a son with a nobleman"
In this sentence, " Ivan screwed up when he left his men to murder me" The word screwed is out of place, wrong phraseology for the time period.
The very last line, I found to be very weak, This story, the trunks tale (which I think might be a better title) deserves a better last line. It simply did not hold up to the tapestry that has been woven. You've already let the reader KNOW that the trunk served to save her life. Far, far better to leave the last line off entirely and end the tale with, "But for a brief amount of time I held within me a young woman’s life and was witness to a tale of courage, rebirth and love. "
This says it all and says it with panache!
A bit of revision, the fixing of some issues and this will be a precious jewel all its own!
Putting all the explanations about how to rate something and comments about format put me off a bit. If a poem is requested within a certain form, I can understand, but if not, then it is unnecessary.
A poem stands to be written on its own, and explanations of it's being part of a larger work, are also not relevant to the contest.
What I found to be exceptional lines/sections
The initial verbal photograph of the lost waif at the train staion.
What needs work
I found this poem to be a bit forced as if you were struggling to fit the words to the form. As a result, it did not flow as well as it might have given another form or style.
Needs a comma after 'tender looks.'
Final thoughts
There was too much missing information. Why the leaving and the leaving behind of the trunk? Where did she go, and why. What happened? Why the 'guilty' letters? There isn't enough detail, not enough 'showing' of what was involved. There isn't enough meat here to sink one's teeth into. Just needs to be longer perhaps or in a different form. There is a wealth of information/details/happenings/life missing here, that being included would give this work much more depth and range.
Initial Impressions
Oh this is a delight! Sad, too sad...but a delight none-the-less. The rhyme scheme works exceedingly well for this type of poem and it is done in a way that brings the poem along well.
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
The morning rises on whitened eyes<----excellent parallel meanings!!!
Improvement Oriented Comments
Starved, its broke ribs are showing<---broken would serve the rhyme and rhythem better.
Final Thoughts
Welcome to WDC! This seems as if it should be part of a body of dragon work, or the end of a dragon tale....I'm meaning that I want there to be more surrounding this! *grin* Well crafted and complete tale within this poem!
Initial Impressions
What a great song, what good lessons therein!!!!! What a great way to teach those all important concepts!
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
The way you touched on the various different situations where a child might remember the song and act accordingly.
Improvement Oriented Comments
Not an impovement but an alternative....with a couple of different words, this song could also be adapted for every child...and a few adults I can think of *grin*
This is very well written, good character development, builds extreemly well and employs fantastic dialogue!
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
I think what I liked best was the way suspense was built. That and how the fairt in the closet becomes real to the reader, allowing for the unreal to become eal.
Also, your descriptions throughout were well done. I don't ever think I'll see those 'black leaves' in the woods again without thinking of your story and taking a quick peek around! Staying power like that is good writing!!!!!
Improvement Oriented Comments
Aside from a few awkwardly worded sentences, this was fine. Try reading your work out loud, It is very easy to find such places when your tongue trips over them.
Final Thoughts
Well written short story. To be such a good writer at your age...*thinks back and remembers herself at that age scribbling away under the covers by flashlight*...I can only imagine and look forward to the writer you will be a few years from now...whew! *grin* This is someone to watch folks!
Initial Impressions
Excelent! Your visuals are right on and the images you project are as clear as the emotions raining down.
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
*The rain shatters the silence
like broken glass.*<-----sound wrapped around a visual surrounded by sound. Excellent....Picks up on the poem's title and sets both the scene and the mood.
The last two lines let it all out, the storm intensifies!
Improvement Oriented Comments
Only concern was the choice of the word 'polyrhythmic' as it tends to slow the reader down. I understand what the attempt was, but I'm not sure it added to the poem's sense of being.
Final Thoughts
This poem is well designed, builds as it goes along till the final lines. Well done!
Isn't it amazing how large, complex and moving a story can be with so few words! This has that elusive quality to it that sticks with one long after the readiing is finished!
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
Playing checkers with daisies and peppble! Perfect! Also the bits and pieces of a life...we are reduced to memories and memoriabilia. Not too much information, just enough. Improvement Oriented Comments
“Your toys are all packed up love, I did ask if you wanted any kept out.”<---- would be better with a comma after up (before love) then a period and a new sentence starting with I did ask.....
The paragraph---->“Makes it a bit hard to play then.” I was starting to wonder if a break might be in order shortly, while hoping I wouldn’t have to go and find the rest of the game. “No,” I thought, “best to keep at things now that I have started.”<----- might be stronger with just a bit of rearranging. The first sentence is fine, but I almost think you do not need the rest of it at all.
Final Thoughts
This was well crafted, concise, and yet packs a whallop! Well done.
Initial Impressions
I really liked the premis of the poem. The metaphore was carried throughout very well.
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
The whole concept of editing/reshooting the film of our lives with the blunders and out-takes deleted.
Improvement Oriented Comments
live's <----should be lives Gods<----should be God's Now quite sure of the added comment in the intro about 'forbidden love' as it isn't made clear within the poem.
Final Thoughts
I really like the premise. The metaphore is super!
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Initial Impressions 
What I liked best...lines or word combinations 
Improvement Oriented Comments 
While there is a bit of description (other people at the station...the outdated and worn clothing she wears) I think that this piece could use a bit more description to make the setting come much more alive. More details would add much. Train stations tend to be bustling, hurried places with a variety of emotional states surging all around. I did not see this here. More description and details would bring this story more life. For example, she is taking the train to 'New York.' Where is she now? New York or New York City? Why NY? Big place to go with no specific destination in mind...or is she planning on the overwhelming bigness of it to be lost in?
What needs work