*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hbar/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
601 Public Reviews Given
793 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 7 ... Next
101
101
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You know the whole spiel, no offense is intended ands these are just my thoughts, one guy that is not even remotely a poet.

This is a real tear jerker. the second line of the sixth stanza is one of the most heart wrenching I think I have ever come across. A four year old innocence is very well portrayed in this piece, as is na four year old wisdom. The fourth stanza does an excellent job of showing the young imagination and love of a four year old and the cold emotion and warm pain of a mother.

Very impressive, I think. /i will be back to read this poignant piec e again.
102
102
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
Well done, a very good story of recognition, family, and passing the torch.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The piece flows very well and progresses logically, there were no particular parts that were hard to follow or confusing (well done being a simple guy I tend to get confused easily). (Wait, that isn't meant to imply this is a simple story, because it isn't, it works on a couple of levels.)

If I were to have a criticism, and I suppose I do (crushing mind you), it would be that out of six boys and then adolescent boys, not one knew the vehicle ran? I find that a touch on the other side of believable. I realize it wouldn't fit as well towards the end, and I don't know the actual statistics (but I would bet, and I am not a betting man), that more than one in six adolescent males in the US are very into automobiles. The point being one of them would have sought out that information, and if one knew they all would have known? At least that is my opinion, and I am not particularly well informed regarding automobiles.


Phrases or bits I liked:

Not one of us was embarrassed by the tears that silently flowed down our cheeks as we carried the man who had taught us the importance of respect, imagination, and family to his final resting place
Very moving, very touching. Good men, that at a young age have learned more than a lot of men ever learn. My favorite line, it describes the family.

Sometimes I have to bite my tongue to keep from telling them they aren’t playing it right
This is funny and telling, a very dad thing, excellent insight and description. It took me three paragraphs to say this, and I still didn't do it this well, in one of my stories.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Pretty good story, a good description of going to Mema and Papa's and learning family, on that level it works well. It also works well showing the growth of a single boy into an adult and a father in his own right.

There is a part or two that I might have said were a touch overboard, but on further thought I think those are just differences in style, they wouldn't keep me from picking up another story by the same author and reading it (that is a big compliment by the way, just in case you didn't know).

Well done, keep at it.
103
103
Review of Our Family Secret  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is in response to your Flash Fiction Challenge at the "The Holding Pond"  [E]. Thanks for participating, please 'pay it forward' review a peers piece at "The Holding Pond"  [E].


Initial Impression:
Pretty funny, a couple of very funny lines.At times this feels a bit formal though.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Now, I am not the brightest guy around, and I enjoy picking a good fight, but even I know better then to take on the grammar police.

I will say that at times this feels very formal for a shared secret. The comedy is good, if I were writing this though I would say ... would play mutt, mute, play mute. to me that seems a bit funnier, but that may not fit with the style through the rest of the piece now that I think about it.


Phrases or bits I liked:

They could kiss his hairy hindquarters,
For some unknown reason, this is my kind of line, very good.

After much hounding by Joe
Beautiful, I laughed out loud (sorry I am not cool enough for that lol stuff).

Final Discussion/Impression:
Pretty funny and a great run with the prompt. An effective introduction that kept me reading, and wanting to read, not always an easy thing. Good job, keep at it.
104
104
Review of Character Sketch  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Initial Impression:
I like the straightforward simple style in which this is written, I think it is very effective.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Allen loved baseball but really was that good
I may have an idea what the author is trying to say here, maybe, but I am not at all sure. This is a very awkward sentence to read.

Allen never really like that because his asthma may him incapable of playing with his friends
I think like should be liked and may should be made, that makes the sentence read a bit more conventional.

There are quite a few places where grammar tenses are confused or mixed, this makes the piece difficult to understand and harder to read, it really detracts from the style. Also there are a few things I don't get, usually preemies are small, at least at the beginning, scrawny usually implies small, perhaps wiry would be better used here instead of scrawny?

One more thing, I don't think a coach would say that to a tall kid no matter how skinny he was. Remember these are just my opinions and may be full of baloney.


Final Discussion/Impression:
Despite all the typos, missed capitalizations
, and tense agreement problems I like the straight forward, no frills style of this, it's refreshing. Unfortunately it is tough to get past some of the logic and the typos, for that reason I rated this pretty low. I think there is plenty of potential here and some time spent editing would be time well invested. Keep at it.
105
105
Review of The Voices Won  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.


I do the same thing, or have done the same thing in many of my poems as far as not capitalizing names and sentences, or leaving punctuation entirely out. I this case capitlizing names or titles in certain instance might heighten the impact of the piece.

the wrong thing to say, logical thoughts masking emotional tears

Excellent line, excellent observation, way too close to reality.

Well done.
106
106
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This review is in response to your July Writing Exercises at the "The Holding Pond"  [E]. Thanks for participating, please 'pay it forward' review a peers piece at "The Holding Pond"  [E].


Initial Impression:
Oh man, this is great, if you can say that with a straight face, wonderful solution. I need you to teach me how to do that, I can't lie for crap. I don't have time to review this right now, but I am going to do it anyway, the knuckleheads at work can wait.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I had to give her credit; she had made it an hour and fifteen minutes since I walked through the door for spring break before prying into my personal life
This is my only real criticism, and this part fits the piece very nice so it makes the criticism kinda, well very, weak. If mom is paying tuition she is entitled to pry a bit. Of course this could just be my own little personal prejudice since there is a certain university both my attend that has more of my money than I do.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I could grab the fork and stab myself in the eye, creating a diversion.
Now that is a diversion, but alas, you are most likely correct on the outcome.

Final Discussion/Impression:
There were/are several more parts that I think are especially good here but time restricts me from mentioning them all. This is a wonderful, sane, respect saving lie.

It is also a strongly written piece, few words, vivid pictures painted, solid emotion portrayed, very impressive actually. There is nowhere I can see to improve it. Not only all that is funny, really funny. A well earned and a well deserved 5. Most excellent, keep at it.
107
107
Review of My Bathtub  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This review is in response to your "July Writing Excerises" at the "The Holding Pond"  [E]. Thanks for participating, please 'pay it forward' review a peers piece at "The Holding Pond"  [E].


Initial Impression:
I thought it started a bit slow and mundane, but, then, wham, holy smokes, lightning bolts from heaven, I get it.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

It not only revitalizes my exhausted body at the end of the day by allowing me to cleanse and pamper myself in it with scented, popping bubbles, but it refreshes the inside of me also.
for some reason this sentence seems awkward to me, I think it might be the ..and pamper myself in it with scented, popping..., I am not really sure. what I want to say about this though is that I would really like to hear how water refreshes the inside of you also. I think (remember I am just one chucklehead though) that this would go far towards explaining the affinity for/with water.

Phrases or bits I liked:

The nerves of my body seem awaken to a new level. Is this the water, my imagination, or my sudden appreciation?
I was thinking this, or something very similar anyway that will be in my essay regarding water. You nailed it with these lines, for me anyway.

Final Discussion/Impression:
This finishes very strong in my opinion, and the one line carries everything else, which to me means it is a pretty good line. Good job. Keep at it.
108
108
Review of For Fun  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Well I got to the bottom and laughed, well done.
109
109
Review of Golden Memories  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is for the May Flash Fiction deal at the "The Holding Pond"  [E]. Thanks for participating.


Initial Impression:
An interesting look at the memories of a young woman. It is a bit awkward at times but I am guessing that is more learning 'American' than a lack of ability or anything.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

'Pierre..oh god, how do you know I was coming?'
I think perhaps you have some mixed tenses in this sentence, it is difficult to read as it is now, perhaps changing 'do' to did would make it a bit easier on the reader.

It was just her mother's expertise in cooking that inspired her to be one of the top chefs in the world.
I am not sure that there is technically anything wrong with this line, but it was very difficult reading for me, this part; inspired her to be one of, confused me. The way it reads makes me think the author is referring to Helen's mom, later it becomes evident that Helen is the her. I read that sentence a couple of time before I continued with thew story. Kind of distracting to me.

Phrases or bits I liked:

She realized how badly she missed her parents.
I like this sentence for the simple realization and emotion portrayed, all of the sudden she remembers how she misses them, very pointed. Well done I think.

Final Discussion/Impression:
After reading this and then author's port comment, I think many of the awkward structures and the way some of the scenes are played is due to the author learning English, and nothing else.

The flow of the piece works and there is a logical progression from one subject to the next in most cases, so I think the basic skills and desire are in place, now it is struggling with a new language. The reason I went with a 3.5 instead of a 4 was because of the frequency that I had to stop and reread a sentence or paragraph the first time through this piece.

I think the idea for this piece is very good, creative and different from the other pieces so far, very nice and refreshing. I would most certainly encourage you to continue writing.
110
110
Review of A Family Lost  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
Very emotional piece. I need to let it sit for a moment and read it again. Initial rating 3.0

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

"Dad, I want two eggs and two pieces of toast today." Jesse rarely asked for what he wanted - it just never occurred to him that he might not get it.
This could just be me, but I am not sure I follow what the meaning here, the addition of just in this passage is confusing to me, if the kid rarely asks, either he doesn't need to ask he normally gets what he needs, or he is unsure of the answer. Something about this particular passage doesn't settle right with me. I wish I could be a bit more helpful here.

Janie saw Sean racing over to the officer. She was scanning the kids who were sitting on dry ground. Some were walking around, but not going very far from the others.
There is nothing really wrong with this, except perhaps some tense problems, if it were me writing this (and it isn't) I would have done something like;
Janie watched Sean race to the officer, then scanned the kids on dry ground. Most were sitting together, few were walking around, but not far from the others
Not really any better just different, but it makes the saw and the scanning agree.

Phrases or bits I liked:

As they pulled slowly around the curve, the whole scene opened up.
Descriptive, terrifying sentence for a parent, it might have a bit more punch without whole, that seems like an extra unneeded word to me in this case.

"Oh, honey, it's not so bad. I love to put socks on your pretty feet!"
This is a nice sentence, it sets the tone for their relationship quickly and effectively, very nice.

Final Discussion/Impression:
This is a pretty terrifying story for a parent and spouse. The story itself is good and it progresses logically and well. In places I think perhaps a word or two could be eliminated to tighten it up some, but that could just be a difference writing styles.

All in all a good story that has more potential than I think it shows at the moment, I would most definitely encourage you to perhaps let it sit for a bit and then comeback and edit it if you feel it needs it.

I liked this piece, initially I rated it a 3 but after looking at it a bit more and thinking about it I am bumping it up to a 4, I think some of the parts that I initially didn't care for are more differences in style than anything else, and that is just my taste. So well done and keep at it.
111
111
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
Good ending, worth the read.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

He was a prince of the pumps and overseer of the optics, Lord of all he surveyed. Which was, at this early hour of a Wednesday, an empty room. He surveys it again to be sure.
This is good but I wonder about the second 'survey', something in there strikes me as awkward.

Phrases or bits I liked:

One of calm and stillness before, with infinite poise and grace John moves to the vertical with a thump that shakes the neat row of polished glasses.
'infinite pois and grace', beautiful imagery. But, I think maybe he is going to the horizontal? Vertical doesn't make sense to me?

A solid, reliable name for a solid reliable man.
This is a great sentence I think, it makes for a great opening and at least engages me immediately.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Overall I liked this, the ending made up for the middle portion that seemed to go a bit slow, drag on a bit. For the most part however I think it is pretty well written, nice word usage and structure.

I would certainly encourage you to keep writing as there seems to be a lot of potential in this piece. Well done
112
112
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The one that gets to me the most is, 'when one door closes another opens.'

Not really irritating I guess, just pretty dang presumptious of the speaker, like most of the others. Very condescending, guess that is why I like people so much. Speak without thought.
113
113
Review of Sea Runner  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Man they better not show up in my local tavern, what a disaster!

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

This was pretty illuminating, was it written to a prompt? Or, is it one of those things that just comes? Either way it is an impressive pice of knowledge and writing. They don't turn good ale into water do they? Because that would be a very bad thing.

Best line: A sea runner will become irate because of a shift in the wind, even when there is no wind.{c}
Kinda sounds like a sailor?

I liked this, it was creative and hard, yet whimsical. Very entertaining and fun to read.

I would liked to have learned more about skin changers and Sea runners neither walk nor run on water parts.

Not much wasted here in the way of words, nothing extra to distract the reader. Well done I think.
114
114
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
Initial Impression:
This is great, this is what dads do, you have nailed it.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I read this several more times just because it is fun, this is a dang fun and funny piece, very impressive.

With me there should never be messin'.
The perfect five year old line, the way they think when on the prowl, well done.

The very first line of this piece seems sort of out of place, only because it doesn't have quite the action and/or impact of the remainder of the piece. Maybe something like:

....afraid of me
Or
...no longer free

Just a couple of poor suggestions, I don't know?

The second stanza is perfect. I can't impress on you how much I like this piece, the rhythm and flow and especially the sentiment, excellent.
115
115
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
I kind of like this piece, the title is what drew me to it.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Second stanza third line, I think maybe Its, should be It's?

Always lost within the crowd,
A good line I think, somewhat common and often misused I think, but it goes very well here and the material following gives it some poignancy. Well done.

The first stanza is very engaging, it immediately grabs the reader and brings him/her directly to the narrator. Although if it were me writing this and it isn't I don't think I would put the weirdo in quotation marks. Just me.

Its like being the alien that no one can understand,
I like this line it's placement, the sentiment, the illustration and the image invoked. I think perhaps it would have a bit more punch if the 'like' were removed. If I were writing this, and I am not, I would be very tempted to remove the 'like'.

The last stanza is good, and the final two lines very well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I like this, even though I complimented the first stanza, which I do like, it seems somewhat out of balance after going back and reading this poem a couple more times. I might be tempted to break the last line into two lines with the break between weirdo and no one, just me.

This is well done and flows well I think, short and poignant, very nice, Keep at it.
116
116
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

I like this piece and the way it flows, being not a goth guy some of the images are unusual but very effective and powerful I think. You have expressed the deep desire very well.

If I had to remark negatively about something here it would be the non-capitlization of i in this. I do the same thing in a lot of my poetry, and I think you are probably doing it here for the same reason I do in mine. The problem is people don't get it, at least the people that have looked at my stuff and they find it very distracting. In a sense I can see that after reading this, it was somewhat distracting, even though I knew, I think, what was going on. It could be more noticable because you is capitlized, I think that is kind of powerful though, I like it.

I think it is a nice piece of work, I like the flow and I really like the sentiment, it's unique I think. For sure keep writing I thnk, well done.
117
117
Review of End of ORION  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

A good use of a tough prompt/set of words I think.

Surly this was a mistake.

I think maybe surly should be surely?

I think it's kind of good story that almost begs for continuation, it would be interesting to see the final crossing of Jamison Knight.

Good job, keep at it.
118
118
Review of Night and Day  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your poetry is so expressive, so straightforward, yet there seems to be a tremendous and strong, moving undercurrent.

I don't think it's work that can be read once and then walked away from. It needs to ferment for a day, week, or month and then come back to and read again. Very well done.
119
119
Review of Flight of Freedom  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
Initial Impression:
How cool is this piece! Very good I think

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Time was irrelevant; the past and the future ceased to exist. The heady perfume of thalassic air intoxicated me
Okay, I had to look thalassic up, and I am an ocean kinda guy.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Time was irrelevant; the past and the future ceased to exist. The heady perfume of thalassic air intoxicated me
Once I determined what thalassic is I liked these lines even more. Especially the time part, well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I didn't fully comprehend the situation until I read the last couple of lines again and slowly, but know I fully get it and it makes this piece all the more exhilarating. Very well done
120
120
Review of Reunion  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
A moving piece and very well written for a rough draft.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:
I think I followed most of this, it is fairly straight forward, although I would like to know who the woman was with the man. If a relationship is there I did not catch it even though she called him 'daddy'. I could be slow and wanting something explicit instead of implicit.

Phrases or bits I liked:

wriggled and scooted, pushing Johnny over, until Mikey’s butt had controlling interest in the beanbag chair
This is just a good line, it's what brothers do.

Adorning the salmon painted cinder-block walls of this man’s corner of the room was a tapestry of photographs, greeting cards, children’s refrigerator artwork. Furniture that was clearly his own flanked the bed; knick-knacks and personal items lined the shelves. It was a nearly successful attempt to turn this sterile box into something of a home.
Very powerful, very descriptive passage.

Final Discussion/Impression:
In my opinion this is a very powerful piece of writing, the subject matter is depressing but the closing passages are... are, I am not sure what I am searching for here, they are poignant in the expression of life I suppose. Kinda' heavy stuff summed up in a very few lines, very well done I think.

I would say keep up the good work.
121
121
Review of Over The Edge  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Hey wait wait a minute this is kinda creepy. Actually, it's really creepy. Good job!

I had to reread the third line several times to make sure I understood what was happening and who was going where, a hard to follow line I think, but eventually I got it (I'm kinda slow though so...)

Killer fourth and fifth lines, excellent tale in 55 words.
122
122
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
I haven't read your other poetry, but I kinda like this one and I think I was with you until the last line.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

A secreat that I shall keep,
Just a typo here.

After he left, he left behind a secret.
A secret that I shall keep,
keep enclosed in my lips,
lips waiting to return that secret when we would meet again.
I know I am not a real bright guy, but I still don't quite follow this, the first three lines I think I get. But, then the last line sounds like you still want the original guy's kiss? Unless of course your kiss is the secret, if that's the case (it's dawning on my numb mind),
Than this is really a cool line!

Phrases or bits I liked:

A faint caress to my cheek, a faint kiss to my lips.
This is just a terribly wonderful line, there is nothing unusual or unique about it, but it is very touching and very effective here, very well done.

lips waiting to return that secret when we would meet again.
I am going with your kiss being a wonderful secret.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I liked it, I am not sure if I am slow or the last bit is confusing to some degree. Overall the piece seem straight forward and and flows fairly well. Nice.

Good job and keep the good work up!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
123
123
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Well I am just going to skip the whole template parts about what I don't get and that sort of stuff. This piece is simply too good, and too funny to pick out a favorite part and I could not spot any obvious errors (obvious ones are the only ones I might see so you might want to be careful about the error part).

Very funny, very well done.
124
124
Review of Forever  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
Hooray! Science fiction with science, no dragons or magic. Great idea and very good story.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Phrases or bits I liked:
I liked the epilogue, the new future is coming, regardless of John's noble sacrifice. Very well done.

But he saw the potential for disaster in his discovery. So he tested it on the only life he could risk... his own.
Nice bit here, the reader gets an inkling of what is coming regarding the internal ethics discussion. Very nice.

Parts or bits I don't get:

It worked better than he could have ever imagined. The asthma he suffered with for years became non-existent. He felt ten years younger and was beginning to look it. He found he needed less sleep. And he felt healthier than ever before. Cuts he intentionally made into my own arms healed before his eyes, it was like magic.

From this paragraph on there were a fair amount of typo's or grammar errors, kind of detracting overall. I also found the second sentence here sort of confusing, the addition of from instead of with might make it a bit less confusing.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Very refreshing to see some science in science fiction for a change. I can't applaud you enough on that. The plot is a good one and the piece flows and progresses well. The epilogue is excellent for the thoughts left in the readers mind. If not for the number of typos and stuff I would rate this a very solid 5. As it is it is still strong for plot/idea. Very well done, thanks. Keep up the good work.
125
125
Review of Sour Milk  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Usually I have a template I go through and tell what I liked and what I didn't like about a piece. I am not going to do that for this piece.

This is a very well written piece I think, my only real comment would be that it doesn't really sound like a six year-old talking/thinking through most of it. The afternote at the end is very effective I think, The piece evoked very strong emotion in me, I didn't like it. Not because of the writing or anything, actually perhaps it is because of the writing, the effectiveness of the writing.

It is a sad/terrible subject that should make a person cringe, and it certainly made me cringe. Very effective writing, very well done. You have earned a 5 on this. I look forward to reading more of your work.
173 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 7 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hbar/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5