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51
51
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Marleigh Rose I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:


Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The sixth paragraph was a bit tough to follow, The marriage, age, anniversary relationship to each other was misleading for a moment and concentration of the reader, at least this reader, is sidetracked in unwinding the meanings. Probably just me though.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Anything worth having is worth fighting for. And, anything worth fighting for is going to hurt sometimes.

This is a great way to open I think, very well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

As prefaces go, this was a pretty good one there are no typos or other things that jump out. It flows well and makes sense. The tone is well done and consistent. Good work I am thinking.

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52
52
Review of love story  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi waiting4luv I am reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and found something I kinda like, it was on a "Please Review" page, or for some other reason I can't define. Helpful huh?

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Initial Impression:

Interesting, the basis for a pretty good story I think, some typos and stuff are rather distracting though.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

...plan weirdest men.

I think maybe plan is supposed to be plain? Or I don't get it. Could be the second.

Maybe your calling in life is greater than anyone knows and men will just get in the way of what you’re meant to be.”

This kinda doesn't make sense to me. It seems pretty out of character considering what she just told the protagonist regarding her love life. Of course, again, this could be my misguided mind assigning attributes to stuff that doesn't exist. It's not like that has never happened before or anything.


Phrases or bits I liked:

“Magic pudding. And I’m guessing I don’t want to know what is in it.”

Okay, this is just good, ya gotta love a character that will try something she knows she doesn't want to know the ingredients of. Well done, to my thinking it is very illustrative bit of character development. Nice.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Now I am not a real bright guy and there are lots of things I just don't get. I really don't get why Lyla is suddenly comfortable after being abducted, drugged, and hustled out of the country because some good looking guy with luxurious black hair that she has seen once before and appears to be involved with, if not the leader of, the goons that nabbed her?

I think there is the bones for a great comedy/romance story here. The characters can use some development and consistency but that can be done with what is here, and I am pretty sure the author has the capability to do that. There are a lot of typos, misspelled words or left out words but that is because this is in the early stages. Some careful editing and attention to detail (listen to me, like I even do this, let alone can) will go a long way towards making this much easier on the reader.

But, the basics are here for a good piece. There is a good start on the characters and the plot has for the most part been well established up to this point. I would most definitely encourage the author to continue with this piece.

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53
Review of The Break Up  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello xxx, this is one of your reviews from
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because you are getting a shower you lucky person you.

You are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

Strong. Packed full of anger and hatred. I am not sure about it actually. I am going to read it a couple more times.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

exspecting

I think maybe this might be misspelled, expecting maybe?

Phrases or bits I liked:

And I'm wasted.

This phrase is repeated often, but it fits I think. It isn't over used and it's effective in getting a point across. Well done I think.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I don't normally go through an author's port and read other pieces so I can review a single piece. I did that here because in all honesty I am pretty stuck here on what to say.

This is a negative poem all the way around, certainly it is powerful and emotional. But the anger is way overpowering. It's weird but the anger overpowers the emotion and strength of this. I am not really sure how that happened.

As an angry poem it is good, powerful and full of hate and acid, an excellent job has been done of conveying that. Well done.

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54
Review of Do you Blog?  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like the simplicity of the answers offered. After all, it is a pretty straightforward question.

No I don't blog for a few reasons:

1) Who the heck would be interested in reading it? People don't even read my stories, why would anyone want to actually know what I think? It would be rather vain of me to think anyone hear cares.

2) I do that stuff on real paper with a real pencil.
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Review of The Promise  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Initial Impression:

Dang, now I am depressed.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

... but with success comes responsibility, and father was a very responsible man.

I don't really understand this, it kind of seems redundant to me. I am only one guy though, and a slow guy at that so it could just be me. This bit struck me as odd, I was almost expecting, illogically, a statement about how father was rather irresponsible, which would really make even less sense. This just feels awkward, although it is very early into the story it has already been established in my mind that this is a pretty responsible guy we are reading about. Just me though.


Phrases or bits I liked:

From the distance, the distinct clickety-clack of an approaching train heralded the arrival of our destiny.

This is a great choice and arrangement of words, "...arrival of our destiny." Very distinctive, this phrase is going to stay with me for some time. Most excellent.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a well written story, there is a point where the reader really knows what is going on put really doesn't want to admit that it is happening, then without a doubt we see that that is indeed where we are and what is happening.

To my thinking, this is a very sobering piece of writing and it will be hard on the feint of heart, which I guess would include me. Well done. Keep at it.

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56
56
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
Initial Impression:

First time through, holy smokes, this is very unique, very poignant. There are some very strong emotions and images evoked here. Moving.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

I can feel you near me, and a single tear trickles down my cheek.

Man this is a powerful line, it's heartbreaking to read and see. The emotion that this evokes is just plain old painful. I think it is the single tear part that sets this above similar attempts at such a strong reaction in other work I have experienced.

... and I smile.

I can't tell you exactly why this is here, it could be that in three words a novel of emotion is told or experienced. It could be the bittersweet that I can almost physically feel coming. I don't know, maybe it is the complex simplicity of such a short statement in this context. After the second time trough the piece though it grows in power with each successive reading. It is an interesting reaction that is going to take some time to sift through. Well done.

There are plenty more examples similar to these, but I have to stop somewhere and if I were to continue they would all start sounding the same, my comments that is, the interesting, one of the interesting things about this poem is the variety of ways that some of the same emotions are evoked. It is really quite fascinating.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I have to admit that at first I had some serious doubts about this, the form itself is kinda shocking. However, once I was absorbed into the piece, it made sense. Kinda odd, but good.

Anyway, this piece leaves a kind of melancholy peace with the reader. The words run riot through the emotions, but in the end there is a satisfying longing. Very interesting. I don't know how I can not rate this a five. This is a shockingly moving piece. I think it pretty much ends my reading of poetry for the night. There is too much to sift through in this to try and place something over it.

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57
57
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
Initial Impression:

Nice, this made me smile. Kind of a nostalgia thing, or something.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

At night I would cut off your locks

There is nothing in particular that is wrong here. I read your folder intro/explanation whatever that bit is called, so it is hardly fair to knock this or anything. Here is what I am thinking though (always a dangerous thing, me thinking). Up until this line there is a great rhythm going, this line just sort of stopped that rhythm for me, which I find kind of a bummer because this is so close to the conclusion.

On the other hand, it is a great sentiment or addition, part, whatever to this poem. It's clearly along the same vein of activities and adds a bit more deviousness to the poem. It is a lot of fun actually. Pretty cool.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Pandemonium widespread.

How can a guy not like this line? Simply a great line that brings an immediate smile to the face and a warming of the cold cockles of my heart. Excellent.

I’d go on a mischief spree!

Another great line, it kinda brings out the fun in a guy.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a fun poem, it really kind of brings the reader back to childhood, well if the reader was any fun anyway. There is a unique expression or feeling of glee that goes with this. Nice work. Keep at it.

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58
Review of Sensual Fantasy  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I like this idea for a contest. The whole mythical part is kinda tough, for me anyway.

The best part is the generality of it however. That is basically why I wanted to give my opinion here. Too many contests stifle the imagination by the narrowness or restrictive nature of the prompt(s), this is one where an author really needs to use their imagination to reach something good and reasonable. Note though, the mythical part really has no bearing on my comment here.

It could just as easily be strictly mythical or erotic and left at that. Too many prompts, in my opinion narrow a topic or an idea to such a degree it stifles the creativity and/or imagination.

Prompt: Write a mythical story about a dragon in middle earth that meets a child - you get to choose the sex! They then have to reclaim the child's rightful claim to the throne of the inner kingdom. Have fun!

Huh? wasn't I just told a story?

Very nice contest Annette
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Review of Fragile  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello warriormom, this is one of your reviews from
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because you are getting a shower you lucky person you.

This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

Well done, I didn't realize you were such a talented poet along these lines, well done. Again.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Then clarity descends as
everything becomes motionless.

I like these two line, and I am not really sure why I am putting them here. It has something to do with the 'clarity', descends', and 'motionless' seem to clash. However, they go very well together here and I can't define why I am uncomfortable with these two lines.

So forget I said anything.

Phrases or bits I liked:

A tiny stick distorts the
face and body, tearing it asunder.

Asunder is a great word, it isn't used nearly enough. Well done. That being said, the combination of words and the visuals evoked by this line are superb and go far in a description/feeling of depression. Most excellent Chief.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Again, this is a very impressive piece of writing. The images and emotions evoked in this piece are powerful and descriptive. They're actually pretty scary, knowing what's what.

It's a skillfully written piece that effectively describes the fear and terror of depression but doesn't really convey (or try to, I think?) the hopelessness that also occurs. Conversely there is a hope that is clearly expressed in the faith and belief that have effectively battle depression.

I think this is a good, solid, piece that is at the same time expresses the fear and hope of life. Another well done piece. Good work, keep at it.

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60
60
Review of I Am  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
Initial Impression:

I like it. I find pieces like this amazing from a personal point of view, and this is no exception to that.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

There is nothing. Everything feels in the right place with the flow of this poem.

Phrases or bits I liked:

I am patience and persistence.

There are several reasons I like this line. One is a general thing, the pattern that has been develop with the "I am" sounds and feels good, I like the repetition and the statement in it, well done.

The best part of this line however, is much more personal, the patience and persistence. The idea and concept in itself is inspiring, placed where it is in this poem it is very effective at both bringing the beginning of this short poem to a climax and easing the reader into the finality of the ending. Very excellent job here.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I am always amazed at faith this strong, it isn't a gift of mine. Luckily for me faith is a gift of my wife's, and I need the almost constant exposure to that to keep me right. Anyway, I think it is certainly placed well in the inspirational category.

I like the idea, the arrangement, and the writing of this piece. There is really nothing I don't care for here and the noble concepts kind of seal the deal. Excellent writing, very well done.

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61
61
Review of Masquerade  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Gratia , this is one of your reviews from
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because you are getting a shower you lucky person you.

This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

Whoa, I wouldn't necessarily call this "dark", but I certainly wouldn't say it is light and airy either. It is very interesting. I like it. A lot.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I don't think there is anything in here that I would take exception to, or that isn't well done, and tastefully at that.

Phrases or bits I liked:

The mask is your face.
Your face is the mask.

I like these two lines, they're very telling, very revealing (no pun intended, man I slay me sometimes). They are very thought provoking, and in the content of the poem extremely apt and well placed. I guess, they are a couple of lines that can be freshly pondered all day. Very well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

As I mentioned before I really like this piece, so much so that I have marked at as one of my favorites.

I suppose it is a dark piece in a manner of speaking, but it is so true and so insightful that the applicability of this to everyday life for everyone cannot be over looked, and that is perhaps where the poems appeal shines. It is a piece that is not at all offensive or shocking, it is not applicable to an individual or a small group of people. It is, in my opinion and I am only one wandering soul, a piece of work for everyone. A piece that everyone can read and not take any offense or feel any slight. In this respect it is a very well crafted piece of work.

I would recommend, and encourage, anyone to read this it is well worth their time.

Very well done. Keep at it.
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Review of A Shallow Soul  
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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Initial Impression:

Holy schnikes, where did that come from? Very powerful, very powerful.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Where is my castle and canopy bed?

There is nothing wrong with this other than I don't care for "canopy bed", I know why it is there, it makes sense, it fits the whole poem. It just bugs me, strictly my feeling, nothing else. So, disregard this bit.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Where do I start?

How about the entire third stanza, that is the most powerful and emotional writing I have read in a long, long time, maybe ever. This bit in particular really continues and drives home the realization and desperation that is evident throughout this piece. Extremely moving. Very well crafted. The first line of the stanza yanked, jerked, forced me to focus strictly on the emotion and miss the skill with which the piece is put together. Each succeeding line of the stanza just forces the reader to feel the piece and become immersed in the darkness. After this, stanza there is no escape for the reader, you are in it emotionally until the end. Only on the third or fourth reading does the word usage, structure, and arrangement start to be appreciated.

Oxygen uncorrupted, pure as birth.

This is an amazing line I think, for me it is very explicit and contradictory. It brings out the geek in my immediately. Oxygen is actually a very corrosive substance, putting it with "uncorrupted", "pure", and "birth" is just obscene and depressing. It was kind of the last 'breath' of hope for me in this piece.

The last line of the fourth stanza and the final line of the poem, however, almost seem a ray of hope here. Both lines seem to give just enough respite to make the piece bearable.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I really don't know what to say at this point. All told it is rather depressing piece of writing, strictly the emotion and 'wrung-out' state the reader is left in. As mentioned though, the two lines seem to provide enough relief to see the reader through. Far and away, I think it is the best piece of your writing I have read, and that is no little thing. It is most certainly one of the best pieces I have read for just raw power and emotion.

This is not a poem for the faint of heart. It is well written with a tremendous amount of skill. It is depressing, it is dark, but it is also a joy to read just for the sheer feelings that are evoked with such skill.

Keep at it.

On a slightly different note, the rating is perfect for it I think. Nobody should read this without adult supervision.

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63
63
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

Unique. And enlightening.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

It’s either that or they’ll get into all sorts of trouble that isn’t even worth thinking about.

There is nothing particularly wrong with this. For me it is heading in one direction and suddenly veers somewhere else. I don't really get the isn’t even worth part. I think it makes more sense to head in the scary direction as in, "...trouble I don't even want to imagine." Or something like that. Probably that is just me though.

Phrases or bits I liked:

...manage to coincide pickup times without causing problems. It just doesn’t happen.

Holy smokes, isn't this the truth. I hated basketball season.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This was interesting and unique, a nice introduction of sorts. At times though the conversation, or answers I guess, sounded kind of stilted. Like a formal interview. I bet that is what it is supposed to sound like, huh? What a dolt I am, sorry.

It's good, it flows well and is logical, it keeps the readers interest and puts things in perspective. Well done, keep at it.

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64
64
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (2.5)
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Initial Impression:

A lot of room here for fleshing the piece out, which is cool as you have warned the reader this is rough and a work in progress of sorts.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I started out picking up some typos and odd sentence structures, then realizing it was in an earlier stage than I had anticipated quit that. I am going to mention a part or two that I think are in desperate need of explanation.

The first is the bit about commuting from Australia to England as a secretary? This could just be an Australian/USA semantics thing, but the way this is stated in the piece (admittedly rough) it sounds as if it is a weekly, if not daily trip from Australia to England? Kind of confusing if not completely incomprehensible.

I think it would be very helpful to set the time frame from the very beginning of the piece also. I was surprised to suddenly see 1956 show up in the middle of the biography. It would be helpful to expand a bit on why England and more on the travels and reasoning behind hitch-hiking around Europe. I may be naive but I would have thought that a single woman hitch-hiking around Europe during the time frame I am guessing it was, was kind of an odd thing for a 'Victorian' woman's offspring?

One last thing, if you aren't throughly disgusted with me yet. I know this is rough and in the earlier stages of writing, but where the heck did the children come from? Was there a husband or boyfriend of some sort ever in the picture? I would think that perhaps an outline for a piece like this might be beneficial in getting it organized and flowing logically.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Here's the good part. It sounds like there is a ton of material here to work from. Most likely this is a fascinating woman/lady to talk with. Lots of interesting stories along with some very good thoughts on life and dealing with it. Philosophies and living experiences that everyone could benefit from. I think the subject is good and that some serious fleshing out of the piece would not only be helpful and give it some format, but it would also lead to more about the woman and life not touched on yet.

I must commend you on tackling what could turn into a big project, but well worth the effort.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I hope you have perceived from my comments that not only do I think there is tremendous room for improvement (hence the low rating), but there is a vast amount that could be down with this and a variety of places you could take this. I would most definitely encourage you to keep on working on this. I feel there is a ton of potential here.

An aspect that is very appealing about this, is that it sounds as if there is nothing special about this woman in the sense that she was not born wealthy or famous or had any particular great help or advantages in her life. But, and this is a big but and the real part that could make this great, She is a more or less average person that has chosen to make her life anything but average.

Keep at it.

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Review of Fantasy Shorts  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
This doesn't count as one of your reviews, but I am compellrd to comment.

Those are some of the best dang quotes on the entire site. Most excellent Kaya.

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66
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
Initial Impression:

I can't believe I read the whole thing and that I am going to go back for chapter 2. I don't like real life stuff like this, real life is hard enough. I was hooked half-way through chapter one.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

"And wasn't it just like her to give a newborn baby to a twelve year old as if he was a box turtle or something."

To me, and I am just one guy, this line sort of doesn't fit with the previous feeling of the story. It seems that quite a bit of effort has gone into sheltering Jesse not only from Cecily's condition or state, but from Cecily's behaviors, which are actually kind of unclear at the moment and through the remainder of Ch. 1. Anyway, it seems odd to me that the mom would say this to Jesse.

...change him while I get his bottle." change him while I get his bottle." Like I said you do what you have to do. By the time she you do what you have to do. By the time she...

This line really stuck out to me. It is the only time the narrator takes such an active voice. I think it would fit much better if the change him while I get his bottle." Like I said were not in there. Of course that could just be me.

...but there are times when you pray anyway whether...

I caught this while looking for something else, the narrator seems to active, to involved in the story here also. So the comment above applies to this also, although the time above isn't the only time the narrator becomes like this.

I don't know if maybe it seems this way because the two statements give a much more 'being told' the story as opposed to reading it. Or, if it is, no it is the fact there seem to be to different styles mixed in the same story, that is what it feels like to me. Again though, I am just one slightly below average guy.

Phrases or bits I liked:

"There were three of them," as if he had to offer some explanation for having lost a fight.

This is a great line, this is a guy's response and very telling. I think it is the best line in the piece, insight and explanation at the same time. Well don I say.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Again, I can't believe I am going to read chapter 2 and then probably the rest of them. For me the narrator's voice was a bit of a problem and I had a hard time getting past it in places. I am guessing Cecily's character, as in personality, will become clear later in the book? As it is she seems a bit of an enigma at the moment. For the most part the dialog is good, and appropriate for a mom, a 12/13 year old guy, and a sister that sounds like a decent person when she talks. Her dialog makes her sound like a good sister and daughter. That could just be me though.

An excellent job has been done hooking the reader straight away, from the kid offering the money to his mom, to Cecily and the night things happen. The story is very good and flows well for the most part. I can't believe I a going t read chapter 2.

Good job, keep at it.

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Review of No Exit  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nice. I like this one, a good creative piece without a lot of the extra uneeded stuff. Some nice concise descriptions.

The ending is good, I was really wondering towards the end how you were going to get key in there. That was a great use of/for it. My only real comment is that there are still a few places where you could (note that is could not should) leave a word or two out if you wanted too.

...part a willingness to do...

The a could be eliminated here if you wanted to, to my ear it sounds better that way, but that is just me.

The gun barked a final good-bye...

Nice line, descriptive, short, and brutal. Cool.

Boned fortune seekers ...

The boned part is kind of weird at this point, it becomes clear a line or two later but my first reaction is don't all fortune seekers have bones? Just my sick mind though probably.


Anyway, well done. Stories that have to include cerian words or phrases (a few not just one) are fun I think, sometimes I never Know where a short piece like this will take me. Good job on this. Keep at it.
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Review of Justice  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Initial Impression:

Interesting, nice topic with some good points, I'd argue some though. But, isn't that what this piece is about?

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

These words and the accompanying display in part...

This may be a problem of location for a simple guy like me or it may actually be a problem. When I first read this line I said, "What display, I don't see a display?" and then as I read the remainder of the line I saw that the author was referring to a trial display, not one included in this commentary. It could be me (known for being somewhat dim) or the location (line break).

Without the truth, can there be any real justice?

This is where I would argue, or will a bit I suppose. What is justice? Perhaps a definition of justice would help this piece, if even a simple dictionary definition.

I would argue that justice is subjective, and that there is nothing pure about it. Does the truth always bring about justice? Part of the truth or the entire truth? Additionally, who is to decide which part(s) of the truth are applicable and who decides what the proper (punishment?)justice is? Is justice different for different cultures? Is justice constant through time, or does it change with the times as right and wrong appear to change?

Note here please, these are not criticisms or attacks, they questions that come to mind reading the author's work. I would venture to say that discussion and thought are what this piece of work is about and that in that sense the author has done an excellent job.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Justice? I think not.

The reason I like this line? It is a hard statement of opinion, there is no doubt, there can be no doubt where the author stands on this concept in this case. For that the author has my admiration for having the boldness to strongly state an opinion.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Very thought provoking. In places the logic is somewhat glossed over, I think some explanation or elucidation of many of the points would go a long ways torwards making this a much better piece of work.

As it is however, being very brief, it is a reasonable attempt at stating an opinion on an elusive (in my opinion anyway) subject regarding a single subject. The attempt alone is worth a star. Keep at it,

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Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Initial Impression:

Initial rating of 4.5 stars. This is a good story, kids are so darn smug.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Who does that?

Maybe it was for "Lockes of Love"? There is a package ready of my wife's hair to mail sitting in the piano at home. My daughter gets her hair cut every time it gets long enough to send to Lockes of Love. And, get this, we had a neighbor boy, second grade who had a classmate that had some form of cancer and lost his hair, he was letting his hair grow to send to Lockes of Love. All kinda cool I think.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Every morning, the wheel spun to determine my fate for the day.

A very poignant and telling line amidst an excellent piece. Well done I say.

My mother’s car was easy to recognize thanks to the sight of her doubled over,...

This is a good line, in the right spot and timed well, excellent job. Additionally, this line starts an excellent paragraph, I really liked it.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is an all around good piece of writing, it has some poignancy and it is humorous, well done in that. That is a difficult thing to do I think and it has been done quite well. A very good read, thanks. I have bumped it up to five stars because I think it, and you, deserve it. Keep at it.
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Review of NOTHING TO FEAR  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

A moving, accurate portrayal of a believer's faith and understanding.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

It made sense and I didn't see any errors or misspellings or anything.

acceptance by our Maker and the Angels a given.
There is nothing wrong with this line or anything, it fits well with the remainder of the piece. Just a personal note on the interesting implications and thoughts that could be evoked by this given some of the different Christian theologies. Actually this comment probably should have gone in the next section, I kind of like it, the line, not the comment.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Here, no more tears are shed and no pain felt,
and sitting on a divine cloud a luxury granted.

Man, great thought and imagery, very nicely done I think.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I think the piece flows well, but I never felt like I got a real rhythm going with it. Other than that, I like it, well done. I like this piece, it is strong in the author's faith and message. It is good to see that amongst the background of hectic life.

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Review of Spamchronicity  
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

How can a guy resist anything that has to do with Spam?

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

And I listen, watch them boil
Hearing them talk to me, cooking
In time


There is something about this stanza that sort of stopped the flow or feeling of this piece for me. I can't exactly put my finger on it. However I think it may be the last line, In time. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the stanzas. There is a good probability however that this is just me.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Drool leaking out of the corner
Dangling


Nice image, very well done. I like the entire thought of this, I can see and smell it. Good.

Final Discussion/Impression:

As mentioned before, how can anyone resist Spam? Food of the Gods. Overall I like the form of this and the last line of each stanza sums up the stanza and links it well to the rest of the piece. Good Work I say.

Keep it up.

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Review of My Horses  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
Initial Impression:

It was the byline that sucked me in, I am not really much of a horse fan. I just write the checks.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I have got to the point that I ride well enough to ride on trail rides and wagon trains.

I am not the grammar police by a long shot, never have been never will be. But, this seems an awkward sounding sentence to me. If I were writing this I would use 'gotten' instead of 'got'. But I don't even know if gotten is really a word so you might want to check with a real grammar cop on this one.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Boy you talk about proud I was really proud then!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what it is all about. This is about the best line anyone could add to any personal piece. IT's a very telling, very emotional line. Most excellent Mrs. Helton.

Final Discussion/Impression:

As mentioned, I am not much of a horse fan, I just pay for them being the dad and husband and all. However, that being said, this is a wonderful piece of self-confession, realization, love, and pride. For a short letter type piece there is a tremendous amount of insight in the righting and between the lines. Personally I think you are to be highly commended for the information/emotion given with this if not the actual circumstances themselves (which you mercifully keep somewhat vague).

I could not really decide between a 4.5 or a five star rating on this. I ended up going with the 4.5 because I feel that your potential is more than what is exhibited in the piece of writing (which is good, which I hope I conveyed). Please keep at it and thanks for sharing.

P.S. kinda thing, if you want to know my feeling regarding horses I have a piece I can steer you to, if not that's cool too.

Wait, not that I don't care about the actual circun=mstance of your health or anything, but in this piece I think it would have detracted from your point, the focus of the piece, which I saw as your fondness of horses and your pride in the comeback, so to speak. I am going to stop now before I sound like even more of an idiot,

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Review of Spiraling  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Initial Impression:

Nice, but unfortunately you have been there.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Nada. If I had to say one thing it would be that I feel or get no rhythm in this piece, but I am not sure that is really a valid comment in a piece like this. I mean truly, isn't this a subject of discordance?

Phrases or bits I liked:

...out of
my own existence.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a moving heart rending piece Audra,in my opinion it fits the prompt perfectly. The end of the one line and the next, noted above, kind of say everything, there is nothing left after this. Most excellent.

As you know I am no poet, but this is a heart rending, beyond poignant piece if poetry. I only read it twice, because that was all I could take. You have captured much of the despair and loneliness in six short lines. Extremely moving and extremely insightful and emotional. Scary scary. Very well done and deserving of five fat stars. Keep at it.

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Review of The Thin Line  
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Initial Impression:

I wish this wasn't non-fiction. Beyond that I am stunned.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

There wasn't everything glaring out at me, It is a riveting piece with building tension. No confusing bits or parts that don't flow well.

Phrases or bits I liked:

The look on her face told me this was something important—I was afraid I was in big trouble for blurting out that I hated Daddy.

Nice line, well said in an adult framework. I six year-old's thoughts and fears well expressed for an older person. An amazing job here.

But the worst was yet to come.

This is chilling, especially considering what the reader has just witnessed. A terrible thought that really makes this a horror story for me, like the little girl this is beyond my comprehension.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a very moving heart rending piece of writing/reading. I really wish it were fiction. I came to your port looking for something humorous and was sucked in by the title and even more so by the short description.

For me, the story is told just right, straightforward and matter of fact. This adds to the reality and makes it simply a chilling story. And, i truth it is beyond my comprehension, I know it happens and I know it is a part of many lives, but still I find it moving and beyond my scope of understanding.

I am going to have to find something a bit more upbeat to read now, sheesh. An excellent piece of story telling and writing with a sobering dose of reality. Well done, keep at it.

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Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Initial Impression:

Witty and clever, with too many truths. Nice.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

That being the adjustments by a
doctor of Chiropractic, which was kinda fun.

This is strictly personal and there is absolutely nothing wrong with these lines. However, I have been to a chiropractor only once, I thought I was getting acupuncture (my problem for having blind faith) shortly after back surgery. The guy folded me up like a pretzel and scared the living snot out of me. In no way, shape, or form would I call it 'fun'.

ushered me into the expanded bounderies.

There is nothing particularly wrong with this either, to my ear though it sounds and reads better without the 'the'. This could be just me though.

Phrases or bits I liked:

How crafty and sly a child can be,
When not even old enough to read!

I like these two lines just for the powerful truth so often hidden or unrealized. Infants learn to manipulate others within 48 hours of leaving the womb, and they only get better at as they mature. Some never learn to curb it, which is a shame. Excellent lines and observation I think.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I kinda liked this piece, the rhyme is nice although there are times when the flow seems broken, or halting may describe it better.

I do like the whole idea of it though, and it is well done in the way the author has sort of told a life story in a sense, nice. Thanks for sharing and keep at it.

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