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Review of Broken Dreams  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there NickiD, this is your third review as the winning bidder in whatever that auction was. I must say however that reading your material has been very enjoyable and I am most glad you accidentally bid on my package and won. Lucky for me.

Initial Impression:

Very impressive.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The caller’s number displayed on the phone read ‘Ashley’.

I don't think this is really a problem and the reason I did a double take here is more likely due to my taking a sip of an excellent adult beverage as opposed to any flaw in the sentence. I did however read it twice to make sure I had it right in my thick skull.

Phrases or bits I liked:

How are we today?” She emphasized the ‘we’.

What a telling line here, emphasizing the significance of both parties and both parties unspoken knowledge of what is happening. Very nice.

Like an animal trapped in the headlights of an oncoming car, Brooke stared into the unblinking eyes of the bird.

I like this line, it really sort of strikes a primal chord in the context of this story. At times the "deer in the headlights" thing can be hilarious. But here, it is telling, pain, horror, sorrow, disbelief, this is extremely well placed and has the exact proper amount if "drama". Expertly done, very impressive.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I feel almost guilty here, again I have said nothing to of any helpful value. In that sense it is really another worthless review. Your writing is several notches above mine and I feel very (and I want to emphasize very) unqualified in critiquing your writing at any level.

This is such a poignant piece, I find it beautiful in it's simplicity, truth, and realization. I don't think there are any extra bits. Every sentence advances the story and touches the heart, really an expert job. Please keep at it.

You provide a level of writing not often seen here and it is very refreshing and I thank you for the invitation and opportunity to wander through your port. I am sorry I could not be more helpful however.

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77
77
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (5.0)
And here is another review for your bid win in whatever auction that was.

Initial Impression:

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

There was nothing, this is a very well written, quick and thorough piece.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Before she could finish, her eldest child trotted by, singing out, “Florida was AWESOME!”

This is a very telling line and a most excellent ending. Very well done.

“Hey! You’re back!” a bikini-clad woman shouted from...

You pretty much have to like anything that has a bikini clad woman in the first line.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Any parent reading this piece should get a warm smile, remembering their own vacation from hell that the kids thought was the best. The use of italics here is perfect, and the description of a vacation cooking and cleaning (have you been talking to my wife?) is great.

I don't really have anything but positive stuff to say about this, sorry. Very well done, keep at it.

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78
78
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is one of the reviews for the winning bid in whatever the auction was.

Initial Impression:

This was a very entertaining and puns added greatly to the piece. Well done, very enjoyable.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

...when the emergency vehicles they issued from came to a screeching ...

There is probably nothing wrong with this and after I slowed down it made sense. But, the first time through it kind of slowed me down as it wasn't entirely clear to me who or what was issuing.

I just read it again and have decided you can disregard the above as I must have been out to lunch. So to speak.

In those deciduous moments I became free from the bondage of fear controlling my life.

Okay, I read this a few times, I went to my 30 year old dictionary, which was not entirely helpful, and still I am not sure if "deciduous" is the proper word here. Prior to this my only exposure to deciduous has been with trees that are not evergreens, losing their leaves in the fall. The one definition I could find that might work (I think I fully understand what you mean here though, so maybe this is a moot point) still seems closely related to trees although there is the 'new growth' aspect of it.

Again this could be just me. Big surprise there.


Phrases or bits I liked:

...face with old Mrs. Boswick, the Cat Lady from 2B.

Anytime someone refers to another as the cat lady it just cracks me up. Very nice.

...and for the first time I realized life’s intrinsic choices were mine to make.

This is a good sentence, a good line, and a good thought. I very much enjoyed the way the author chose to 'vocalize' this thought or growth. Most excellent.

Final Discussion/Impression:

As mentioned before this was very enjoyable to read. One of the reasons is the vocabulary used which I think added to the tone of the piece, which was very enjoyable.

The overall flow and pace is smooth and clips along, and of course the puns, especially in the beginning are quite good. Very nice work, keep at it.

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79
79
Review of Freedom's Memoirs  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (3.5)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

An interesting story with a good message. I like that.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I remember t as if I were still...

Just a typo here I think, should the 't' be 'it'?

The bash had lasted long after Apollo’s departure and as I crept...

I think a good job has been done overall with keeping a style that suggests an older speech pattern and thought process, which is something that can be very difficult to do. But when I got to bash I said "huh?" It just doesn't fit with everything else that had been said up to that point, for me it is too modern a word for this piece. But I am just one guy and it may be just me.

... I ran away from the overcrowded shack represent the torment of life in Sparta.

I think maybe a word has been left out or it should be representing or something? But I actually like the way it has been explicitly stated what the shack means to the girl. Nice.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Orpheus, had hosted a flamboyant party in honor of, well, him. He was always a despicable man, competing for attention of others.

I have been hammered for this and probably you have been also or will be, but, I really like the ..., well, ... in here. For me it is a succinct way of saying I am just cutting straight to the point here, no beating around the bush. I think it is very well done and would encourage you to keep this and to use it whenever you think it works. It is your story and should go the way want, not some chucklehead that thinks it is against the rules. Good job here.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Interesting story, with a very good attempt at a writing a 'period' type piece. Even attempting this is commendable I think and a pretty decent job has been done of it.

There are a few places that could be tightened up a bit but overall this is a clear and logically written piece. If not for the typos and bash in there I would have rated this a bit higher. It is certainly not a piece to wallow forgotten in your port, there is a lot of potential in the piece and the writer I think.

Well done and keep at it.

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80
Review of Toddler Issues  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a 'One Shot Shower' whether you need one or not, from {color:blue}"Invalid Item" . It's a cool group so I left this part in. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

I didn't know what to expect when I decided to review this piece, the title sucked me in. It is pretty good though.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

well worn phrase that help's adults to cope..."this too shall pass!"

I am not sure if the t in this should be capitalized or not but that really isn't why this is here.

There is nothing wrong with this or anything like that, this is strictly my very own personal prejudice. "This to shall pass", just plain old bugs me. When I am in the midst of my kid acting his or her age (which is a very good point you mention by the way), or I am watching my life crumble around me, I do not want to hear some knucklehead telling me it's cool it will be over in 16 years. Just my own personal hang up there, sorry.

Phrases or bits I liked:

... it is admittedly difficult at times to be the ones in charge,...

This is funny and true, even after they're toddlers it is hard not to wonder who is in charge sometimes.

Final Discussion/Impression:

All in all I liked this piece, from my perspective (26 year old son and a 22 year old daughter) I think much of your advice here is valid, I of course don't agree with everything, but then we are different people so that is to be expected.

I think that the biggest thing you mention here, and all parents should read and heed, is the acting their age bit. Because you know, the kids are doing the best they can with what they have got. I used to teach and once said to a room full of seventh graders, "For crying out loud guys, act your age." This voice then pipes up from somewhere and says, "We are Mr. Hobbs." And the guy was right they were, I was the one a bit out of whack there.

Anyways more than you wanted to hear I am sure, sorry.

Good stuff here, well written, good logical order and all, nice job. Keep at it.


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81
81
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

Nice, there are some very funny lines in here.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

We succeeded finally in getting up those stairs, but we just encountered staircase after staircase.

To me this sounded, read, like you were finished with the stairs, all the stairs, even after the but part. Could be me being dense though. It has been known to happen.

Phrases or bits I liked:

”In lira, 120,000,” replied an evolutionary-looking little man.

This is just a plain old funny line, super description. I wish I had thought of it.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a pretty good piece and an enjoyable read. There are a few places were it slows down a bit and it seems the timing might be a bit off, but that is more than likely me not seeing the entire picture. And it could just be that the wording wasn't quite right for me, but I am just one guy so no sweat there.

Overall the story is constructed well and flows in a logical fashion (good job on that) and is fun to read.

Thanks, keep it up.

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82
82
Review of Invisible Bond  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

A nice story, very descriptive. I am going to guess that English is not your native language? If not, a very nice job has been done.


Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

h basketball, many remained seated in cement benches,

There is nothing really wrong with this, the reader gets the intent of the phrase. However, "...seated in cement..." sounds like and kind of give the image of the people sitting inside the cement. For me, and I am just one guy, ...seated on cement... shows the reader what is happening a bit more clearly, without having to stop and think about the phrase for a moment.

"Faisal, my boy, is all the arrangements done?”

I think the tense is incorrect here, the word "is" should be "are"

Phrases or bits I liked:

Fariha was one of those rare friends who left footprints in her heart.

I really like this line, the idea of footprints in the heart is really nice, well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Overall I like this piece, there are a few places where the grammar is somewhat awkward, but that can be fixed and will get better with familiarity with the language increases. Well done, good story, please keep at it.

Thanks for sharing.

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83
83
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This review is in response to your request at the "The Holding Pond"  [E]. Thanks for participating, please 'pay it forward' review a peers piece at "The Holding Pond"  [E].


Initial Impression:

Great opening line, entertaining.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Nothing really stuck out or made me do a double take. The language seems a bit much for a CPA, but then that would be the stereotypical CPA

Phrases or bits I liked:

So after I un-freeze,

This is just funny, very well placed humor I think.

Final Discussion/Impression:

An entertaining piece a lot of story in a few words well done. As I mentioned earlier, I am not sure the actions and language are in character with a CPA, but then heavy character development isn't a big part of this type flash fiction in my opinion.

Well done, keep at it.

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84
84
Review of Broken  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

Nice, direct and well done, a good story.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

But her teachers felt she lacked the true talent of playing professionally.

To me this sentence seems kind of off, or awkward. If 'of playing' were changed to to play or the final part of the sentence to ...of a professional. it would sound better to me. But I am just one guy. However, this is a very powerful line/paragraph illustrating the effect that teachers can have and probably not realize the sway they hold over a student. Very moving paragraph.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Ralph Debussy's

Nice.

She wasn't sure she could take the disappointment again.

This is a great line, simple and succinct. In this one line you have made her human. Excellent work, great.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I like this piece for a couple of different reasons, the use of Debussy is one, clever. I like doing that also. But mostly I like the message and the way you show with what ease a dream can be shattered. Then, in a way, the simple way it can be followed again, a decision and move that in reality is not at all simple. I think you have shown that well.

At the risk of being a sap, the final line is inspiring and heart warming. Good work, keep at it.

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85
85
Review of The Lonely Tree  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a 'One Shot Shower' whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . It's a cool group so I left this part in. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

I like it overall, but things were cruising along pretty well and I hit a glitch.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

the trying times that kept coming

This line stopped me cold. The third line in the ninth stanza slowed me down but when I got to this line it sort of really stopped the rhythm that was going.

I don't think it is necessarily a bad line, but for me it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece. I think it is too long. For me it would be just as effective a line and maybe more so if the "...that kept coming", were left off. Just me though.

Phrases or bits I liked:

He envies the bird
nearby as it sings

This and the third stanza really set a strong tone for this piece. I think it really gives this piece direction. Well done.

Final Discussion/Impression:

As mentioned I like this and it is a strong piece, I see why the girl is introduced and the role played, but I am not really convinced of a two way relationship in this piece. I think(?) this is what is intended, but I missed the human sided of the friendship.

I think this piece starts and finishes strong, the middle seems a bit weak though to me. The last stanza is absolutely killer though, very well done. I would encourage you to work on the middle part because there is definitely a good poem going here. Nice job.

Keep at it.

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86
86
Review of Hunting Spirits  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a 'One Shot Shower' whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . It's a cool group so I left this part in. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

I like this, I am guessing by the bold words it was/is for a contest.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

pleas of forgiveness come much too late.

This bit kind of loses me. I am not sure why someone, the guest(?), is asking for forgiveness.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Witches and vampires crave new flesh; feel their breath upon your skin.
Move quickly, the lights grow dim! This house is picturesque of morbid sin.

This is a great stanza, morbid sin, great combination, I really like it.

I also really like the second stanza. The last line is great, ignore your brain. Just like the population in general.

Final Discussion/Impression:

I like this poem, it is pretty creepy when you think about. Of course now I am going to have nightmares and it is all your fault.

Good work, keep at it.


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87
87
Review of Re-membering  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

This is so sick it is hilarious

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Nothing, it's all good.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Oh well, a mind IS a terrible thing to waste

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is just funny, the first line kinda makes a guy go, "Yikes, where the heck are we going?' At the third line I said, 'Oh man,' and chuckled in-spite of myself. At the last line I just started laughing and trying to say 'Yes!'

Very good, kinda like a train wreck. Super job. Keep at it.

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88
88
Review of Pond Panic  
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
This item is being reviewed because you were the big winner in the Birthday Auction thing, Well maybe not the big winner but you are stuck with some reviews by me.center}

Initial Impression:


Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

There are not any parts in particular that stick out too me as being hard to follow. The opening line however doesn't really do much to grab me and pull me in the way most of the other pieces by the author have. I am not sure if it because the opening is both a personal statement and question/commentary.


Phrases or bits I liked:

It may not be the greatest story ever told, but it’s mine.

This is what this is all about I think, not just this story but writing and life in general. It's the author's and the author's alone. This line alone is worth reading this story.


Final Discussion/Impression:

Again, I like this story, it is simple, direct, and honest. An appreciation for family and tradition is shown, values that are all to often scoffed at today.

Well done, keep at it.
89
89
Review of Voodoo Madness  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This item is being reviewed because you were the big winner in the Birthday Auction thing, Well maybe not the big winner but you are stuck with some reviews by me.center}

Initial Impression:
This is fun, but there is more to it than that, even after reading it only once I feel some, not anger or despair, but some...not malice either, not sure what maybe I'll get after reading it a couple more times.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

White magic at my fingertips,
from my spoon to victim’s lips

Clearly there is nothing wrong with these line the rhythm and rhyme is great. What I don't get is the white magic part? Good, evil? did I miss something somewhere later? Because the poem leaves me with a feeling of revenge through black magic and I am under the impression (note I could be way wrong here and I am sure you will tell me if I am) that white magic is the good magic, nice witches and stuff?

Phrases or bits I liked:

So many, it is hard to choose.
All of you deserve to lose.

This is just a cool couple of lines, again the rhythm and rhyme is good, but the sentiment is right on, I really like it.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This is a great poem, fun and scary, the way it just rolls of the tongue is great. When I read it the pace seems to just get quicker and quicker.

What I really like is the subtle expression of 'wishing' that I feel in it. There seems to almost be an undercurrent of desire for the power to make this happen. Amazingly done I think. Keep at it.
90
90
Review of Spinster ch2  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . Actually you are not getting the whole treatment, just one from me, but it is a cool group. So enjoy your short shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

At the end I wanted to turn the page to see what comes next, good job there.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

I didn’t like a lot of clutter, at least not in my kitchen.

This struck me as in the wrong tense, I think in general there is a present tense feel going at this point?

...kitchen from the dining room, and was covered with homemade soap that was setting.

I don't get what setting means here, is it a decorating term or something likewise that a vulgar ogre doesn't know much about?

We had been talking at work for a couple of weeks.

There really isn't anything wrong with this paragraph, it is informative and there is a lot of information and background packed into it, which is good. The difficulty is that it seems kind of dry.

I am probably not your target audience here, but there were a lot of it's in here and I kinda got confused as to what some of them meant or were referring to (remember, I am just one guy and slow at that). the discussion regarding dating and the two women's differing views on the uses of men went to fast I think (upon further thought), there is more to explore and clarify regarding those thoughts. I think that is what makes it seem dry, the subject is quickly mentioned and then bam, we are on to something else.

Also there is a line in there that implies the main character is not a heterosexual, yet the rest of the piece doesn't reflect that. Of course I might have missed something, again.

Phrases or bits I liked:

That and the noise of the grinder finished the job of waking me up.

I liked this line, definitely worth a smile and a chuckle, well done.

She was about 8 years old and had finally calmed down after acting like a puppy for years.

Only eight years for a lab? Thats not fair.


The ending of this chapter is very good I think, If I were laying in bed reading at 2 am I would have to read the next chapter no matter what I hap previously promised myself.

Final Discussion/Impression:

This was pretty good, I am not sure it was as smoothly written as the first chapter, but I think the story is much better here and although not fully developed there is way more to it.

The phone discussion, flirting, date asking, whatever you call it, sort of made me say "Oh brother". The conversation (I have been married 30 years next Wednesday so realize I am way out of it, and I was never any good at the whole asking a girl out to begin with) did not seem alive enough to me, surprise by her wasn't expressed until later and there really wasn't much of an idea if this guy is a smooth talker or if he is nervous or what. I know why you did the call waiting thing, but at that point even I (social graces of an ogre remember) said, "This guy is a dolt."

Okay, by now I am sure you hate my green guts, but it really isn't as bad as I seem to have made it sound. It is now a book I am going to continue because there is clearly a crisis coming and romance in the wings, although I don't know which, if either will take main stage.

I think with a little bit of work you have a winner here. If I am not mistaken this is your first foray into fiction? In my opinion it is pretty good for a beginning, and I want to read the next chapter, for the science and the romance. I say keep going, good work.

Keep at it.

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91
91
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" , actually this one is just from me, but it's a cool group. So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:
Good idea, great development. I think there are a lot of places you could take this. In places it seemed kind of, set or stilted, but for a younger reader it is probably just right.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Thinking this was some sort of ritual the two had concocted she played along in hopes of getting to bed as soon as possible. The three slowly touched the sand together looking from one another to the box. Nothing happened. The sand felt just like sand.

There is really noting wrong here, it just isn't the way I'd have done it, unless, there was more to come(like chapters) and the mom eventually experiences what is happening. This is part of what I meant by different places to go with this.

filled with amazement and awe

gasped in amazement at the

I am not sure how many times amazement was used in this piece, it could be just these two, but it seemed like a lot more by the time I finished. It could just be me, or there maybe a lot of usagfe of the word.


Phrases or bits I liked:

She listened as mothers often do, with love but not comprehension of the magnitude of a child’s creation.

What a bittersweet, poignant line. Beautiful but almost painful to comprehend. Most excellent.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I liked this, in a way it is childlike, but I would not call it simple, perhaps it is simply told? But, that is not a bad thing if it is.

For me, there are tons of places you could take this story. Clearly the magic between grandfather and grandson is key here. In my opinion (and it is only my opinion so it pretty much means squat) the mom should get to see what happens and perhaps experience it also, that would get deeper into the sci-fi realm.

As it is, I like it, it is a unique idea that can stand as is or has possibilities of going other places.

Good work and keep at it I say.

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92
Review of Spinsters ch 1  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:
Hmmnn. There is something in there.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The only reaction I’d ever heard to all of this was a single comment about 5 years ago when I overheard her say, “Well, hell! He could at least have left me a tip.”

For some reason I find this line kinda hard to read/follow, I don't know if it is the 'I', 'all', 'I'd' combination or maybe the single comment. Something made me slow down and go back.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Besides, whoever heard of a spinster named Julie. Julia, maybe, but Julie?
Good point.

Final Discussion/Impression:
I think there is something in here, but you haven't quite found it yet. I am not sure what it is though. The characters are introduced okay I think, and the story is almost there. I have to admit that the ending kinda leaves me, I dont feel compelled to turn the page and rip into chapter two, although I suspect I am not your target audience either.

At times the dialog seems a bit 'stiff', but I don't think it is beyond your ability to do a good job of it.

I'd say keep going with it, you are doing it for you right? I think with some practice and editing it'll be quite good.

So I say keep at it.

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93
93
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:
Interesting, nice, cold and packed with emotion. Provocative in a sense.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

while inside I’m weeping.

There is really nothing wrong with this line, it kinda isn't up to the caliber of the rest of the piece somehow. It isn't, or doesn't perhaps is more apt, seem as original as the rest of the poem.

Phrases or bits I liked:

Thunderous clouds
live in my soul,
shadows of darkness.

I think this is a great first stanza and really sets the tone and the expectations for this piece, very nice.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Overall I like this, the only real problem being the line noted above, for me (and remember I am just one little guy) it just kinda flattens the emotion that has been built. Other than that however, I like this, it is a strong, straight forward piece. Well done.

Keep at it.


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94
94
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This item is being reviewed because you are getting a shower, whether you need one or not, from "Invalid Item" . So enjoy your shower, the hot water is endless, and the soap smells good.


Initial Impression:

I was sucked in by the title, a guy should know better than to even think that let alone voice it. Okay, maybe from a female point of view this is funny.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

We refer to this call phone call as the...

I think there is an extra something or other in here somewhere.

won't do anything. (Lucky wenches!) Next...

I am not the grammar police by a long shot, but I am pretty sure (note that is not 100%) that the period goes at the end of the parenthesis.

The other one said one of the new gadgets they had installed during the redo was a wall-vac.

There is a great line in this somewhere, the beginning was very awkward for me and I have a difficult time with it still.


Phrases or bits I liked:

Now, Bette and I have accepted this for years. We each have our respective well-seasoned staff of fix-it people on call.

Oh, that is cold, so cold, funny, but so cold.

I'm not sure, but I believe I saw Charlie puff out his chest a bit...

You aren't sure? Have you not been paying attention all these years? As a husband of ill repute I take offense to this clear lack of attention to detail.

Final Discussion/Impression:
This is dang funny, very good. Do you know my wife by any chance? Never mind. This was one laugh after another, if it were not for the few awkward spots and such I would have rated it a five.

It actually seems quite logical to me baseball and a good adult beverage, of course they were distracted, what do you expect? Just out of curiosity, why do you suppose that parking spot was empty on such a crowded evening?

Most funny, keep at it.

P.S. you never did tell him about the birds did you? Coward.

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95
95
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
a harrowing story, ignorance and redemption.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

The realization that he saved my life from the monster that is attacking us now can only be explained as one of those moments a parent realizes the extent in which your life changes the second you bring another person into this world.
I am in no way or manner challenging the grammar police here. For me (and remember, I am a dullard), this was a very awkward sentence, I had to read it two or three times to make sure I understood what was being said. Probably just me.

The guttural screams of the tornado echos in our ears, and yet my son sleeps. My silent tears drip unto his perfect face as my body shakes in fear and from nature’s fury.
Two things here maybe, should both 'screams' and 'echoes' be plural here?

The other could be a typo or it could be that whole dullard thing again, is unto supposed to be onto, or am I missing something?


Phrases or bits I liked:

A rough, calloused hand encircles mine for the first time I can remember since childhood. I finally dare to look at my father. He is crying; this is something I have only seen him do when he watches “Where the Red Fern Grows.” I, shamefully, am at a loss of how to comfort him.

These are a great couple of lines, very illustrative of a father, there is aton more said in this paragraph than the words written.

Final Discussion/Impression:
For sure a strong piece of work, the balance struck between young arrogance and sudden maturity is well illustrated and realized.

Keep at it.
96
96
Review of Dancers Never Die  
Review by hbar
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Initial Impression:
My first time through this I found it stunning, heart wrenching and joyous. Excellent job.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Stand out bits:

Now I watch her aging body leaping with grace,
knowing forever her lost dreams she will chase.

If were to be forced to choose a favorite stanza, it might be this one. To me it speaks of the heartbreak and longing of the aging dancer, and even more strongly of the heartbreak and pain of the observer for his love.

But then the seventh and the last stanza are outstanding also, for the pure emotion expressed the realization of change and the adaption to it.

Final Discussion/Impression:

Man, this is a very strong poem I think, the raw emotion is powerful, overpowering even, the love, pain and joy of the observer so clearly communicated here. for me a good poem is one that I will come back and read again and again, this is for sure a poem I will reread often, each time being overpowered by the strength of the emotion.

Keep at it.
97
97
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.0)
Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Okay I gave you the whole spiel that time because I figure there is no way I am getting out of this without offending somebody.

This piece has the sound and feel of a bit of a rant, and I am not sure a rant can be rated/reviewed, it certainly isn't a fair thing to do but what the heck.

I must say I agree wholeheartedly with your view of the 50/50 thing, unfortunately, I also disagree vehemently with your following 80/20 and so forth statements. I am going to write my views and post them, not that anybody cares, just because I can.

I must say, however, your writing is quite good even when impassioned.
98
98
Review of Buried Alive  
Review by hbar
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
aralls, I knew if I rummaged around in your port long enough I would come across something like this.


Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Final Discussion/Impression:
So just what is 'something like this'?

Well, I am glad you asked. It's well written, flows well, still leaves a bit of mystery at the end and it is odd. And kinda creepy, did I mention that? You have done a good job, I think, of portraying the slightly off kilter gardener and the lengths a gardener will go to for a prize winning chrysanthemum. All in less than 500 words, good work.

Keep at it.
99
99
Review by hbar
Rated: E | (4.5)
Initial Impression:
Refreshing, this is a refreshing story.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:

Saturday I arrived early and my ma had a wonderful breakfast for us.
Is it just me or does it sound like he is arriving at his ma's house for breakfast? Or does he not live with her?

...me but as a teacher of lives most important...
I think maybe 'lives' should be 'lifes', maybe? I am not really sure.


Phrases or bits I liked:

I was beginning to feel somewhat humiliated,
This is a great line, hopefully this happens to most young guys and they realize it. a couple of 'old' guys outworking them, wonderful.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Good story, the format is unique and very appropriate. Good work.

Keep at it.
100
100
Review of Majesty  
Review by hbar
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Initial Impression:
Interesting, the ending took me by surprise, well done with that.

Disclaimer
Now these are just comments and suggestions by me, and I am just one guy. This is your piece of work and needs to go where you want it to go and how you want it to go, please keep that in mind. Nothing here is personal and no offense is intended. I had to add that last bit because I seem to be pretty good at offending people, even when I don't mean to.

Parts or bits I don't get:
The word 'jealousy' was used a couple of times in here and I didn't understand why, even after the ending I am not sure I get that part of this. I am known to be a bit on the dim side though.

After all, all the trees seemed to look alike this time of year.
Even though they're separated by a comma the second 'all' is kinda a hitch in this sentence for me.

I had to be in an entirely different world, dimension, universe. Nothing like this had ever existed where I came from.
There is nothing really wrong with this, the first time through the story it seems to make sense and adds to the tension which is already pretty thick.

The second time through, the tension is not so high and this sticks out for a different reason. For some reason reconciling the different reasons is difficult, granted the viewpoint is greatly changed and on further reflection the differences not as great as first thought, so why does it stick out? After a few minutes reflection I think it is the relative effectiveness of the anthropomorphic characterization or sympathies raised by the character. Interesting.

Phrases or bits I liked:

...I felt as if the heavens must be crying for me.
That is a powerful line/thought, it is going to stick with me for a bit, I really like it. I think it digs deep into emotion, most excellent.

Final Discussion/Impression:
Is terror an emotion? just curious.

This is an interesting piece, every time I read it, for some reason though it seems to sort of just, lighten up, I guess, in a few places after the first time through. I don't know if it has to do with the characterization and identity that is felt as a reader and then so dramatically switched at the the end or if it is an actual flaw in the logic or flow. I sort of suspect it is some of both. I am not sure about the statement:

I had to be in an entirely different world, dimension, universe. Nothing like this had ever existed where I came from.

That is a bold statement in the context of this story, not bad, just bold. I am not sure how well it fits though, first or third time through. Of course that could be my anthropocentric viewpoint?

This was a different read, and for that reason alone I like it, by the end it is very thought provoking, especially the second and third times through, and for that reason I like it. There should be more thought provoking stuff around, I think, as misguided as I am.

Good job, keep at it.
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