Interesting story. You did a good job building suspence and creating the imagery. We don't get to know the main character all that well, and that kind of leaves us to wonder exactly what kind of person she is? Is she sane or really insane? Also, I didn't quite understand how she could be so very happy, but at the same time be in so much pain she wants to end her life (as you usually aren't happy while in pain, and you usually don't have the feeling of dying when you're so very happy) so that kind of sounded like an oxymoron. Also, what was she in pain from? Ummm? A lot of questions. Maybe I just didn't quite get the story, it is early after all. Thanks for the read.
What a wonderful tribute to your father. It is the little things that we remember the most. I lost my father at a young age also. I was thirteen. He will always be with you as long as you have him in your thoughts. He'll never die.
I would suggest just changing this one line:
Are still here on earth with me on earth
Using the word earth twice so close together is too repetitive. You may want to try just deleting 'on earth'.
This is a good, emotional story. It's very sad, but is happening everywhere right at this time. I would put spaces in-between your paragraphs, it makes for smoother reading. I have a few suggestions below:
slid off my shoulder -
slide off my shoulder
everything far behind. Family, emotions
Change the period to a semi-colon
I had left them far behind-
I would delete this sentence, since you just used it. It sounds a little redundant.
expected and at present-
expected. At the present
homes( if one could call them so),
You need a space between homes and the parenthesis
there was no cells -
there were no cells
shots(‘Shot’ -
You need a space between shots and the parenthesis
I think we all have similar thoughts, such as these. As far as your existence; I believe we are all here to learn and evolve. Along the way we help others with lessons they need to learn to help them evolve. I don't think we ever quit evolving, not even after we are gone. You would be suprised how much difference your existence has already made to many, many people. Remember, life is a ripple effect-- what you do to one, you do to many. I think our life ceases to be when we have learned all our lessons, or have came as far as we can with them. Keep thinking and digging for answers, it helps keep your soul alive.
Very good and creative story. I love the sadness of the tale. Although it is sad, it makes the story. I can see her sitting there trying to get back what she once had. Her broken spirit no longer able to give her the love and passion she once had for her work. You did an excellent job with imagery and really made me care about the characters. You really done an excellent job with this tale.
Pretty good story. What's sad is this happens to so many people every day. They spend like there is no tomorrow and like their dream job will never end. When it does, they feel like there is no way out except death. A lot of them think that's the only way their family will make it also-- living off the life insurance-- when they should realize what the family really needs is their presense and they'll get through it together. You did a good job presenting emotion and imagery through-out the writing. I would have liked to have got to known the main character a little more. Other than that, good job.
Awww...what a sweet story. It gave me chill bumps. It's so important that we never lose faith-- even when our prayers aren't answered in the way we would like them to be, they are still answered for what is meant to be and best for the whole picture. I've lost both of my parents, all grandparents, a sibling and many friends. But among them, miracles have happened as well. Nice story and well told with great imagery and a good job with letting us get to know the main character. I like the time lapse that was thrown in there-- it made it a bit more interesting.
This is a sweet story. But she is still without a home and alone. It would have been nice if the family adopted her in a sense and put her up in a spare room or a little apartment they had on top of the garage. That way she would really have room to let out a sigh of relief. This is just my feelings-- as you really made us feel how alone and what a desperate situation she was in in the beginning. This isn't going to change with just a few words from someone. It can make her feel better, but not really change her situation. Just my opinion You did a good job with emotion through your words and imagery.
Awww...what a lovely tribute for your mother. I have lost both of my parents so I understand the pain and hurt you are going through. You are right a love so strong does last forever, and they'll forever be in our heart and thoughts. They won't die because their memory doesn't die. They are always with us. If you need to talk to your mom, talk to her-- she'll hear you and be there for you, though you may not be able to see her.
Much love and healing to you,
Tracey
You have a good idea for a story, but as it stands, that's all it is. You're telling us everything-- show us more. Think how you would feel and act in those given situations and describe them to us: physically, with the senses, and mentally. Give us more imagery. When we read your words, paint a picture so we can put ourselves into it. I have some suggestions with what you have written so far:
*baloon1* Presents galore surrounding the tree ,and the excitement of the children ,who couldn't wait to open them.
The excitement of children echoes through-out the room, as they stare at the presents galore, surrounding the tree, waiting to be opened.
parents, had not found her prince charming yet but her father made up to her for that
parents. Annie had not found her prince charming yet, but her father made up for that.
On valentine's day he would buy her and the mother a rose, and at weddings when relations asked him when it would be Annie's turn to get married he'd reply ''there's no rush, Annie loves travelling the world, she has time to set up with a family!'
On Valentine's day he would buy her and her mother a rose. At weddings, when asked when Annie would get married, he would reply, 'there's no rush, Annie loves to travel the world. She has time before setting up with a family.'"
others , doing the shopping and going to to the chemist for people elder than himself.
others, doing the shopping and going to the chemist for the elderly.
laugh, announcing laugh. Announcing
If you decide to revise this, please let me know and I'll be more than happy to come back and re-read and review again.
I'm so glad this story has a happy ending. I'm so sorry that you had to go through something so emotional. I know this is a special writing for you, so I pointed out some suggestions for you, where you can share your story more strongly with more people. Thanks for sharing:
is an aneamic- is anemic
6 weeks- six weeks
She went, and returned and home. Later, she received - After she went, she received a letter
was a cist, that it was nothing- it was nothing, but a cyst.
go for the operation, though- go for an operation.
Very cute. You did a great job with rhythm and rhyme. I can relate to it very well, as I just got mine grown and out on their own at 20 & 21. It does get a lot better. But there are a few years, like between fourteen and eighteen that you wonder if you are going to survive Like that old saying, "When the children were small, they walked all over your feet, when they get older, they walk all over your heart." Just know it does get better and you will survive!
L*L,
Tracey
This is a really good story. I'm so glad you made it where they got away from him for good. You did a very good job with imagery and characterization. The only thing I think could make this story better is give us a little in-between them leaving and the daughter coming back home before he dies. It kind of seemed like I read the beginning and the end, but skipped the middle. Maybe just tell us a little about how he acted when they left him for good and how they all got along without him. Did he stalk them or make it hard on them? He was abusive and usually it's very hard to get away from abusive people. Other than that I think you did an excellent job.
L*L,
Tracey
You did a good job with giving us all the interesting quotes from the people involved in the hangings. I believe if you add some information in-between the spoken dialogue, it would give the writing what it needs-- as it feels it is missing something like it is. I'd like to read more about it-- when did it start, how long did it go on, why were these little girls trusted, what happened to make it end, etc...
Other than that, I really enjoyed it.
L*L,
Tracey
Great story. You did an excellent job. I really enjoyed it. I found no errors what so ever. You portrayed how beautiful she was, and how much effect she had on him, along with the torment that he felt for her loss of life after not feeling anything for so long. You brought to life her immortality without ever having to say the words of what she was. Very good.
L*L,
Tracey
I love how you wrote this poem (or should I call it a storoem?) I love how you have the different characters in each stanza, but all connected to that poor boy. It is a very sad poem, but one too often true to reality. It makes you want to reach through the screen and save the child. Even reading about it tears out your heart. You did an excellent job. You made it so realistic, that my emotions followed the plight of the child.
{c:blue{b}This has to be one of the most unusual stories I have ever read. You did a great job with bringing character to all the animals of the jungle. The names were very original as well. I would add a little more about them missing the debate and if they thought the lions were behind the reason they missed it. Did they ever figure out liqour was poured into the pond? *LOL*
You do need to change your rating from E to 13+ because of the cuss word you use through out the whole story. Please go ahead and do that when you read this.
I seen this on the public review page and wanted to come read it. You have a whole lot of emotion spilling out in this poem, which is good. It just needs contained in a few places. You showed us your opened heart and the scarring you felt upon it. That is not easy to do, but you passionately were able to do so. Good job!
MY SUGGESTIONS
*fower3* I would combine some of your lines to make for a better flow in some places. Add and change a word in just a couple of places also, as shown below.
TYPOS/ERRORS
In lines 3 & 4, I would make them into one line. You have:
I cannot breathe;
Cannot see
I would change that to:
I cannot breathe and cannot see,
In line 5, since you used cannot twice already in the lines above, I would change the sentence around a bit. You have:
Cannot be anything but contained.
I would change it to:
I feel all I can be, is contained.
Line 7 doesn't read right to me as it is. You have:
The eyes of the shattered
*ballon3* I would change it to:
eyes that have been shattered long ago.
In lines 15 and 16, I would combine them. You have:
Just walk by;
Leave me to feel and heal
I would change it to:
Just walk by. Leave me to feel and heal
MY FAVORITE PART
I like the way you end it. Very complete and pained. Reflects the whole of the poem. You did a good job. I enjoyed it.
This was a very interesting story. I seen it on the public review page, and had to come read it. You gave us a very good detailed imagery of your main character's life, as well as characterization of your main character. Nice job. I liked how much of this story was very reality based mixed in with the mystical. You did a great job
MY SUGGESTIONS
Really, the story is just fine how it is. I did think that he took to her letter and confession of being a witch very well, almost too well, like he ran into that kind of thing everyday. So, having him react a little more shockingly would be good. But, like I said, the story is fine just the way it is.
MY FAVORITE PART
I liked the reason you used for his disability. It helps bring awareness to people that don't know very much about it. People need to realize how serious a disease diabetes is. I also liked the part about her tattoo. Very original and creative. Overall, I enjoyed the story very much.
This is a very dark, passionate, emotional write. You did a very good job on it. There's a few things I would change a little to make it read a little smoother.
- Be consistent with capitalization.
-Line 2- The first breath should be breathe
as you descend into the depths hell- as you descend into the depths of hell
inside you wells up a fear- inside you wells up with fear
down your legs flows your blood
The last stanza that is in bold and by itself-- I'd just delete. The poem sounds good ending where you have it ending originally.
Another good story Bill. I really enjoyed it and loved the twist at the end. You made your characters full of life where we felt for them and cared about what happened to them. The imagery was good enough to picture each scene in your mind as it was taking place.
This is a very cute story. I think children will really enjoy it. It would make a cute picture book as well. I loved all your characters and the imafery was very vivid and put us in the scene with what was happening. Good job!
MY SUGGESTIONS
You have a lot of great characters. I would let us get to know each one a little better by either incorporating them more into te story or give us a paragraph when each one is intofuced on what they're alike. Other than that, great job!
ERRORS/TYPOS
Bbefore long-Before long
police cars and state trucks and flashing red ights.- You're using too many 'ands'; re-write it similar to this:
police cars, state trucks with their flashing red lights.
the he said
So he made them all a lovely meal of bacon and eggs, and fried fish, and potatoes, and pancakes and syrup, and gallons of coffee, and catnip tea, and a lovely plate of fresh Chocnip cookies. -This sentence needs to be re-written:
So, he made them all a lovely, huge meal of bacon, eggs, fried fish, potatoes, pancakes, syrup with gallons of fresh coffee and catnip tea. For dessert they had all the Chocnip cookies they could eat.
MY FAVORTIE PART
I really think you did a great job with the twist at the end. It added a lot of excitement as well ads closing up the case very nicely
This was beautiful writing. I love the style of the poem. The pov you wrote it in and the emotion through-out made the poem shine even brighter. Excellent job. My favorite stanza is:
Others go another way, quickened silhouettes;
Their footsteps grate the stony walk.
I see them from the river path
Between the strands of willow.
My brooding pulse beneath the bridge
Will keep no vernal rhythm.
Current trembles over rock.
What a song you paint. The imagery is fantastic and takes me to it as though I am the one watching. It reminds me of older days, then just merely the days of my past. It seems to go back futher than that. Very nice work of art.
This writing is a very unique, creative piece of work. I love the style of the story and the progression of the events that happen. You use very good characterization. I really enjoyed the story.
MY SUGGESTIONS
You have such a great story for imagery. You can use a lot more imagery to put us more into the story. Other than that, excellent job!
ERRORS/TYPOS
Didn't find any. Good job!
MY FAVORITE PART
The way the story progresses. How the disappearances happen. I wonder why you chose to take the dandelions and walruses before the children. It seems like it would be the small children that would go first. But, I like how you used the dandelions first-- like things that seemed so insignificant was the first sign of things to come. The beginning of the end. Interesting and creative.
L*L,
Tracey
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slid off my shoulder -
everything far behind. Family, emotions
I had left them far behind-
expected and at present-
homes( if one could call them so), 
there was no cells -
shots(‘Shot’ -
I eyes went dark -
others , doing the shopping and going to to the chemist for people elder than himself.
Like that old saying, "When the children were small, they walked all over your feet, when they get older, they walk all over your heart." Just know it does get better and you will survive!
In lines 3 & 4, I would make them into one line. You have:
I would change it to:
Really, the story is just fine how it is. I did think that he took to her letter and confession of being a witch very well, almost too well, like he ran into that kind of thing everyday. So, having him react a little more shockingly would be good. But, like I said, the story is fine just the way it is. 
I really think you did a great job with the twist at the end. It added a lot of excitement as well ads closing up the case very nicely 
Didn't find any. Good job! 