I thought this was pretty good. While it is true you told the story, without showing or dialogue. Since it's continued, it was befitting-- as I read it sort of like the prologue of the story. I think it's going to make a really good story. It held my interest from beginning to end and I look forward to reading the next writing.
Tracey
This is a good story and I enjoyed it, but I felt that you left the ending out. I'd like to have known if she picked him. What was the process like? Did she know right away she wanted him or did she question herself before choosing him -- things like that. I think it would add a lot to the story. Other than that, I enjoyed it.
Tracey
Beautiful poetry. Your rhythm is right on. Your admiration shines through your words. Just really pretty poetry. I like the whole poem, but I think I like these lines the best:
And there beneath your warm heart bled
To dye the cloth a wicked red,
Very sweet and right down to the point. You shouldn't worry about being a friend while reviewing -- if people do not want help with their writings, then they should not have them opened to public reviews. I think real friends keep reviews and friendships separate. When I want an honest review, it's usually one of my closest friends I have made here. Because I know I can expect honesty out of them and that is what counts. Keep reviewing, it's what makes writing.com go 'round
This is a good story, especially for a western. That is one genre I have never even try to write in before But it seemed as soon as it got started it ended. Nothing really happened. Maybe if you put an action scene in there where he was caught cheating at cards, it would help. Back then, cheating at cards, meant your life -- it wasn't so easy going. Just a suggestion
Tracey
You are a brave soul to touch the subject of politics -- it's usually a sure bet it brings out the worst in people. I am not anti-bush or pro-bush. To tell you the truth, I didn't like neither one of our choices. What blows my mind though is how dumb Bush seems quite a bit of the time. It's almost (or is) embarrassing to me as an American. I did like his dad as President. Something tells me Jeb will be the next Bush in line for the presidency. At least he seems to have a good head on his shoulders and he does do a pretty good job at being our govenor. But do we really need a 3rd Bush in the White House, especially after this one? Oh well, enough said on politics from me. I think you did pretty good, accepting Jessie's challenge
Very strange story. Good imagination. What I don't understand is how did she change so quickly. One minute she is totally against it and terrified about it and the next thing we know is she is doing it like she's been at it her whole life. I think if you can explain that part a little it will make the story better, more believable and scary if you show us her first time and the emotions she went through.
Interesting idea. Would this go for a girl as well? I have written letters, "To be opened upon my death." of ways I would want my family to go on and not hold onto my death, or feel guilty for anything in the world toward me. Some may call it macarbe, but to me, it's not -- as I would have given anything to have a letter like that from my mom and dad. One is labled to my children, the other to my husband and one to a special sister. At least it is something they will have when they are going through my things that will truly always mean something special.
It seems so simple when it's written out like this, doesn't it? Love is just wanting acceptance for who you are. Someone you can share that with -- someone who will accept and love you as much as you love them. It seems so easy, but we are really fortunate -- those who find true love.
Just like everything else, a lot of times you don't realize what you had until it's gone. Good job at putting it down in words
Tracey
Interesting story. It's good but I think it could be made a lot better if you go through it and try to see what you can show us, instead of just telling us. You have a few scenes that could really be made scary, but the way they are told, just doesn't come off as too scary. You have a great, original idea for a story -- with a little effort it can be made into a really good one. Here are a few suggestions:
that I Would do
would doesn't need to be cap'ed
curious learn anything
curious to learn anything
Why was no one interested? The neighbors were of no help though.
You can cut out the beginning of this sentence, as it sounds very repetitive because you already told us several times in different ways that no one was interested.
and then it was rundown and in need of dire repair.
Since you told us it was run-down now, you should say:
even then it was in need of dire repair.
This is cute -- I think I could live with the messy man before the obsessive one. His obessiveness would drive me crazy! My hubby is somewhere in the midde of the organized man and the messy one -- he's not near as obsessed as the organized man, but still helps with the laundry and his pants and shirts are separated, mainly into two seasons (since we live in Florida) but I can still pick up underwear from the bathroom As far as hubby's and laundry goes, I can't complain at all. I pretty much got lucky I enjoyed your little essay.
Tracey
What a cute, sweet story. A story I am sure will bring a smile to a lot of faces, especially children's. It made me wonder though, did all his burying and reburying position it to grow into a heart. Or did he keep digging it up to make sure no one else had gotten it? Anyway, it is a very nice story. I enjoyed it.
How very true this is! It is a delightful look at what losing your memory can do to you and how it can make you feel. I am 44 years old and often tell my husband that I am worried that if I am this forgetful now, what is it going to be like when I get older? We have been together since I was 18. He just looks at me and laughs and says, "Tracey, you've always been like this, you just don't remember." Okay -- smartbutt, one point for his side. It is a scary thing. It's good when you can find the humor in it.
How do you not give a writing like this a 5? It is full of love, admiration, teachings and many things in life we learn to treasure when we have them -- and may not realize to what extent, until they are gone. You are a very lucky man to have had your grandfather as long as you did. It seems he taught you many things, among those good values and morals. It's amazing to read when someone is above their time, like he was with computers. I always wished I got more into it on the ground floor than what I did. My grandfather died when I was very young, but I still have a few memories I'll forever carry with me. I know your grandfather left you so many which you will have and be able to share the rest of your life. You are blessed. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us.
Tracey
Have been there, done that. It is very embarrassing. I have one better -- I was at my friends pool party (it was her birthday) so everyone we hung around, plus some, was there. The pool was as beautiful, clear, see through as it could possibly be. Those who were not in the pool were lounging around it or standing around talking to and checking out the people in the pool. I did a perfect dive off the board. I was so proud of myself. As I started to climb out of the pool, I felt eyes staring at me and a smile cross their lips, as they too, were proud of my very accomplished dive. AW! Until someone hollered, "Tracey, stay in the water!" It then hit me. I felt a little too free. My bottoms had come totally off! There was no hiding as the water was clear as ice. SO EMBARRASSING! So, I can definitely relate to this story. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Tracey
This was such a "feel good" piece. Congratulations on doing something for the holidays that many of us just dream about doing, saying one day I am going to do this for Christmas! (or any other Holiday) I always say I am going to find out how many kids are in the children's hospital at Christmas and hand out toys. One Christmas, hopefully this one, I will! I know the feeling the parents have from such an act, as I have had a sick child in the hospital at Christmas time before. The tears are for genuine joy that someone cared enough. I could imagine it's triple that or more at a shelter. God blessed you as well as others those special holidays. May you always carry that spirit within.
I think this poem could be made a lot better. As it is now, it's almost like one stanza just stretched out. It lacks emotion. Give us a stanza on how this made her feel, then another on how it made her feel when she was able to find love again. Did it upset her or disturb her that it was of the same sex? Then give us an ending stanza of how she is doing now. Let us get to know her, feel and care about what she is going through. Poetry is about feeling, emotion. We want the words to move us, make us think. For a writing to be good poetry (or even called poetry) it needs to have these aspects. Please don't be discouraged by the rating. It has great potential to really make us feel for the main character -- just dig down deep within and put those feelings onto the paper. When you first write, don't worry about meter. Then after you have it all down, go back over it and separate it into stanzas, add or subtract words to give it the metrical flow you are looking for. I know it will turn out great
Tracey
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I really like how you use a metaphor of a book for this poem, Lexi. The first stanza, I believe, is my favorite. It pretty much sums up how you felt through-out the relationship. And I like this stanza:
You've written the story,
opening a few spaces for me to exist
underneath the layers,
riding in certain scenes, but
having no idea if there will be more
empty pages you need to someday write.
Because it says what we want to say, but have trouble putting into words. Great job. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
Interesting story. Very different and imaginative. The only thing I didn't understand is what grounds did she have to want to poison him? I didn't get that part at all. He also did seem to have thoughts way older than his years, but just as I was thinking that you made a quote about it- so that covered that. But the housekeeper (or cook) was just mentioned in passing. So, I totally missed something or you need to expand on that a bit more where we'll know her reasoning behind wanting to poison the boy.
Tracey
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Thank you for requesting a review on "Invalid Item" . You told a good story and I think that you should use this and add in a couple of action scenes and show us more. Right now you are telling the whole story-- it's a sweet story, but it doesn't have anything happen. It just tells of the old man and his dog by the river. Nothing happens to him, so at the end when we're not sure if he is alive or not, we really don't know the character enough to care. Try developing your character more, where we can get to know him and his dog. Then put in a couple of things that surprise us (maybe, breaking his leg, being all alone or having a heart-attack to finding a lost kid) anything to give it a little action. Other than that, you did a great job. Please let me know if you decide to add to it and I'll come back and re-read and maybe re-rate it
Good creepy story. An old haunted mental asylum is always a great back drop to a scary story. I'd love to tour a real one, one day You did a good job with using your words to give us vivid pictures of each scene as they were happening. Also, a good job for being on a strict word limit.
You're right, summer will never be the same after graduation. Congratulations, you should be very proud of yourself!! This is a cute poem, it just needs a little work on the meter count. Your happiness shines strongly through your words. I have a suggestion below (this may be just a typo, but I'm drawing your attention to it
that need to be done.
Before the end of the day.
You need a comma instead of a period after done to continue the thought-- otherwise the second line is an incomplete sentence.
I have had many times on the beach like this and many sunburns I'll never forget. I hope to never get that badly burnt for the rest of my days Very painful. Your poem is cute and flows well. Your words paints the scenes perfectly as I was reading. Great job as always
Tracey
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" . This is an interesting story and a great idea. I enjoyed it, but did get a little confused in this part below:
This is very confusing-- I thought you killed the little girl and then you start out the man I just shot. We understand a little better when we read further down, but I think you should add more between the two sentence below, to explain the situation better.
I stood and walked to the door, the smoking gun still in my hand.
The man I had just shot lay there, gagging softly as his life
WRITE ON
Tracey
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curious learn anything 
and then it was rundown and in need of dire repair.
money
Yes, Maim," 
we where home.
maybe lurking 
You did a good job with using your words to give us vivid pictures of each scene as they were happening. Also, a good job for being on a strict word limit.