I enjoyed reading this story. It kept me interested from beginning to end. You made your characters believable and realistic. I think in some places it would have been nice if you described more of what was happening, instead of just tell it. Also, would his legs burn if he ran up the stairs where he lived, all the time? It doesn't seem like they would, as he would be use to the exercise (unless he just moved there) which it sounds like he has been living there a while.
I would have liked to known what was wrong with Charlie.
I like the whole idea you used to write this story- very original and creative. I also like the ending. All and all a nice job.
I really enjoyed this story. You did a great job using all of the prompts. You did use, "an evil spirit" in a way I wouldn't have thought of using, but it definitely works. Your characters are very strong and vivid. You also describe the surroundings vividly. Nice job.
The end comes a little abruptly - at first I thought you were talking about the first couple, and I wondered did he go into a burned down home? But then I think you were talking about him and her? So, the end could be made a little more clearer.
It's amazing how wonderful a story is waiting to be told with just a few prompts, isn't it?
Wow, what a great piece of writing. You use all the senses to pull us deep within the writing. I love your word usage. It is so vivid, I could place myself in the main character's shoes.
The way you ended it is fantastic. I would have never guessed he was practising black magic and that was what put him there. Excellent.
Great ending to a good story. I never saw that one coming You did a great job on building up the suspense and tension. It was just like watching a horror movie, when you want to yell to the person, "RUN!" It did kind of make me wonder though since he was so bold doing what he did in such a public place, if there were any other incidents before this one? Was this just the start or have warnings already been advised? Nice job. Again- I loved the twist!
Tracey
What you have written is good and imaginative, but it does need a good re-read. You have a lot of small mistakes which could easily be found with a slow reading out loud. Even though the story is mainly about the woman he watches, I get the feeling that it is really just as much about him. Maybe he is actually sensing a lot of his insecurities and lonliness in her face. At least this is what I seemed to pick up from it. Nice job.
Tracey
Bitter-sweet story. You did a great job letting us get to know the teller. You gave just enough back-ground information. I think it would have been nice to introduce Mrs. Davis earlier into the story and have the two have a certain bond where it hits home whose grandson it was who commited the robbery. I think it would make for a greater impact.
I also wonder if it's the boy's first offense, and if so, why would they be sending him to adult prison- and if it was drug related, wouldn't the defense attorney try to get him into a drug program instead? That is usually accepted in drug-related crimes, especially in the young, petty offenses or first offenses.
Bitter-sweet story. You did a great job letting us get to know the teller. You gave just enough back-ground information. I think it would have been nice to introduce Mrs. Davis earlier into the story and have the two have a certain bond where it hits home whose grandson it was who commited the robbery. I think it would make for a greater impact.
I also wonder if it's the boy's first offense, and if so, why would they be sending him to adult prison- and if it was drug related, wouldn't the defense attorney try to get him into a drug program instead? That is usually accepted in drug-related crimes, especially in the young, petty offenses or first offenses.
I don't know if you intended this to be a little on the comedic side as well as scary, but it was a delightful combination. I liked the way you executed the story. I loved your characters, they were so full of life. I think if you give a little background information on how the candles is suppose to counteract the spell and what the meaning of the ram's head was, when found would add greatly to the story. Does she ever find out why the old woman put a curse on her house? If you decide to revise this and add this information into the story, I'd like to re-read it. Nice job.
Welcome to writing.com. If you have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to ask. Maybel cried
Great story. You really made us care about your characters. Although, I figured out the 'surprise twist' before it happened, it did not take away from the story. After I finished your story, I just sat back and thought about it a few minutes. Which is always a sign of a good story It's so nice they were able to find one another -- everyone deserves happiness and it's so great that they both found it, so they were able to die happy and content. Nice job.
Tracey
This is good. You do a great job using your words so we can vividly see each scene as we read. I can almost feel his desperation of wanting to die, but not being able to as he must die the death of a warrior, which is in battle. The only thing I'd really suggest is changing this out of the short story genre, as it doesn't really fit into the short story category. I would suggest prose. Nice job.
Tracey
Awwww...very sad story. You did a great job capturing the mother's sorrow and I did get a feeling that maybe the sister was kind of forgotten in all of the grief. I think the story could have been expanded a little more, especially the ending. It seemed to have been rushed a bit. I think that a little more information on the sick child would have been good also. Like how long she has been sick and a little more on what her feelings were - as you just skimmed on that and I believe if you let us into her feelings a little more, we'd be more impacted by her death.
I like the way you phrased the question she asked,
did God create her just to die like that? That really gave us an in-depth look at the way she felt so confused and in so much pain.
Even though we all knew what was going to happen, not how, but what, it was a great story. Very well told. It kept me interested from beginning to end.
I like that is was something natural which took her in the end. It's like when she was three, she picked up on where she knew she would die. Makes it scarier, because it is actually something which can happen in real life.
This is good, but I feel the main part of the story is rushed. It's just written like a regular happening in the story. I think you should write to build us up to that moment, let us know what they are thinking, feeling. I don't quite understand because they are talking about a ghost haunting the house and then all of a sudden that happens to them (don't want to give it away, as this is a public review) Maybe try to work on telling us more about the legend of the spell and how it came to be- Is the ghost the one who casts the spell? Did I miss that? Why? Why does the one who casts the spell not want the sundial to be cleaned? What's the purpose of this? Just some questions that might help you if you do decide to edit this any at all. Thanks for sharing with us.
The writer takes us back in time, down memory lane. She explains a few things we use to do and then goes into a bit more detail on puppy love and meeting up with them again in the future, just to really find you don't have that much in common anymore. It's a cute tale to read and one we can all relate to, to some point.
The piece had a melancholy feel over it. I don't know if this was intentional, or if it's the author's memories coming through, bringing a bit of sadness.
In the first paragraph, your 3rd sentence jumps down. Something minor you may wish to fix.
It was nice reading a little trip down memory lane
This is a pretty good story, but has a tendency to drag in quite a few places. Maybe if you read through it and get rid of any unnesessary words it would speed things up a bit. Make it a little more smoother and interesting to read. Tell us a little more about Dani, how old is she? What happened to her mother and how long ago did it happen, that she still feels like she needs to fill her mother's shoes. I feel like if you address these issues the story will even be better. Good luck.
Tracey
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I loved this story and really enjoyed the end. I wonder why the teacher never introduced them before, it may of helped the old lady snap out of it, a little.
This is a very sad tale with a great unexpecting twist at the end. It takes place in the early 1900's, which I believe adds to its charm. Good job.
Very nice poem which shows the love you have for your friend. Just remember, no matter where they're at, they are always with us and now looking over us.
You did a very nice job with flow and rhythm. I don't see anything I would change.
We would all do a lot of things, once we have hind-sight, but unfortunately we don't. I am sure you spent as much time as you could with her. Especially having a family of your own. It's very time consuming.
This is a cute story of a love affair between two consenting adults -- although it is student and teacher. A definite no, no. What's good about that is usually you can make it through waiting on each other since a semester is only 3 months
The story seems rushed through a bit. I'd like more information, as I didn't really seem to get to know either character or anything about their surroundings. I think this could use a little work. Other than that, it's a cute story with a surprising twist ending.
In this writing a woman faces the truth of losing her stable mentality. It starts with little things and then gets to the point where she just has to walk away from it all. That someway in escaping the little room where it all took place, that maybe she could escape the confines of her mind as well. Taking along a watch and counting every second she walked out the door, until the watch dies and with it, so does her journey. Then at the end the quote left with the reader makes you wonder, "Did she actually leave her room at all? Or was it all an illusion of her mind?"
Very well told story. One that many can relate to on a certain level. Good job.
It's amazing the kind of things that we do with our children or grandchildren which end up sticking in our minds the most. It's usually the simplist things.
This is an enduring, sweet tale of just such an activity. The simple pleasure of setting around the table telling ghost stories.
I think you have a really nice story which would be a lot better if you fleshed it out just a bit. Give us a little more background information. Tell us more about the characters, enough to make us feel and care for them. You have the meat of the story already written down, now just embellish it a bit. I think it will help the story tremendously.
Cute poem which shows how a flea's life must be. I think I have to agree that this is their whole purpose in life -- to make the poor doggy just as miserable as they can. As a pet owner to 2 furbabies, and living in Florida, where it usually doesn't get cold enough, long enough, to kill them off during the winter - I can fully relate. That's why I'm continuously on a mission to kill
(the almighty flea, that is)
Nice job.
Tracey
This is very good and makes the reader think of the final time of judgement. I thought he was going to be granted a longer life. But the stark reality of when it's over, it's over, was presented instead. Personally, I think this approach slammed the poem home, so to speak. The finality of the end really made me think.
I remember one time I had a dream, where I died and went to heaven. I remember in my dream thinking, I hope this isn't a dream. I made it to heaven. Oh, I hope this isn't a dream then I woke up. I don't know why this made me think of that particular dream-- I guess it the feeling both of them brings is similar. Nice job.
This is a nice poem which clearly shows the authors state of mind at the time. The emotions shine through your words. The rhyme scheme of AABB works well with the writing. The rhythm is good, but a bit bumpy in places -- this can be easily fixed, by reading the poem a loud and adding or subtracting a syllble or two at needed spots. There's also a couple of places which read a little awkward to me:
The cancer eats my soul away.
Maybe consider putting cancer in italics. Because when you first read it, it sounds like physical cancer, only later do you realize it is a manner of speaking. Italics will take care of this.
A ray of hope from God descends.
The brutal scars begin to mend.
I see the babe upon the throne.
I know I'll never be alone.
I put the whole stanza, where others could follow the context in which way the word, babe was used.
Used like this, you would think it is God seen on the throne, but clearly it is someone who will bring you company, a mortal, not God. The way you have it here, just reads awkwardly.
These are just my opinions. Only mentioned to maybe help you see this in a different light. I hope the suggestions were helpful to you. Overall a very nice poem.
Wow- powerful story. I don't see how no one could get it. Even though it was so long ago, it was so horrible. But you're right -- the towers too, will probably end up being just a boring essay in a class one day -- holding nothing but boring historical facts. Is it that, or is it that we build up a thick wall around us the more we endure such tales as these? A way to protect ourselves from universal devestation just as we would in our personal strifes. Either way you look at it, it's a sad, hard, cruel truth and fact of our civilization -- our world, our souls.
Wow- what a wonderful story with a couple of great twists thrown in -- especially the ending. You did a great job with characterization and execution of the story.
My heart really went out to the little boy...I was thinking, boy, that would be one mixed up kid when he grows up. Shows what a great job you did bringing me into the story and given it life.
GREAT JOB!
Tracey
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You did a great job on building up the suspense and tension. It was just like watching a horror movie, when you want to yell to the person, "RUN!" It did kind of make me wonder though since he was so bold doing what he did in such a public place, if there were any other incidents before this one? Was this just the start or have warnings already been advised? Nice job. Again- I loved the twist!
Maybel cried
A ray of hope from God descends.