This writing is a very unique, creative piece of work. I love the style of the story and the progression of the events that happen. You use very good characterization. I really enjoyed the story.
MY SUGGESTIONS
You have such a great story for imagery. You can use a lot more imagery to put us more into the story. Other than that, excellent job!
ERRORS/TYPOS
Didn't find any. Good job!
MY FAVORITE PART
The way the story progresses. How the disappearances happen. I wonder why you chose to take the dandelions and walruses before the children. It seems like it would be the small children that would go first. But, I like how you used the dandelions first-- like things that seemed so insignificant was the first sign of things to come. The beginning of the end. Interesting and creative.
Ewww...very good, though sad piece of writing. I really like how you associate things in life with the rain. As your emotions changed, so did the feelings for the rain. Nice analogy.
I have written some of my deepest thoughts to that of the sound of rain. I feel I know the connection of emotion and rain you are displaying. Very good job. I didn't see any grammatical errors. I really enjoyed the writing. *ballon3*
Cute poem. It's always so cute to read about animals, and animals point of view. I am such a huge animal lover. I really enjoyed it. You have rhyme using ABCB scheme.
*ballon1* line 1 and 2:
She has been my constant companion
And a loyal friend
You keep a close meter beat through-out the poem. There's a couple that's a little off, but not any real bad, except this one. You have 9 beats in the first line, and only 5 in the second. Since most of your poem, has closer to the same beats as line one, I'd change line 2, or add to it. Something like:
a truly loved and loyal friend.
My favorite stanza is:
She seems to know my every need
And worries when I leave her sight
She paces like a worried parent
But greets my return with delight
On the third line, it has nine beats, while all the other have eight. You can easily fix that by saying:
pacing like a worried parent.
I love that stanza. It shows the strong love between the child and the animal, and how much they take on a parental role over their beloved animal. So cute.
This was a very unusual story. I loved your characters and the story plot. You had good imagery, and I looked forward to reading each new paragraph. There were some parts of the story...main parts, that were sort of skipped over in a few words. I would have liked to have understood them a little better.
MY SUGGESTIONS
Like I was saying some of it seemed to be just skimmed on the top of the story. I think if you add more imagery and details to these parts it would add a lot to the story. I would clarify the end some. I wasn't sure if they were both vampires, or just her?
Also, since his dad came into the room and said what he said, that was what made me think that he was a vampire and he was going to have to make her one also. But she was already one? Like I said, I'm a little confused, so maybe you can make that a little clearer.
MY FAVORITE PART
I thought it was really sweet that they grew up together and loved each other their whole lives, and ended up getting married. They are not only lovers, but the epitomy of best friends
This is a very heart-wrenching, sad poem. You brought the emotion through very strongly, doing a great job in imagery. The words flowed nicely and the rhyming was smooth and unforced. It's sad at how many lives this poem can be talking about. You write it with such a feeling of knowing. I really hope you didn't have to go though any part of this. Good job.
I thought this was a really good story. It had a lot of action in it and the characterization and imagery was great.
MY SUGGESTIONS
I think the story would be better without the last line. I think I would say something like she thought it was another tornado, but she seen it was just the same one carrying on it's destructive path. {/c:
ERRORS/TYPO'S
Not a one. Good job!
MY FAVORITE PART
Even though the part was very sad, it had to be when the tornado came because it was exciting, and you wanted to know what was going to happen next. Also, it definitely wasn't the ending I suspected.
You did a very pretty job on this poem. Though sad, it is sweet and you have us feeling for your character in the poem. The imagery is fantastic and we could imagine each incident with her up to the end when she is reunited with her brothers.
I could find no errors or typo's. Good job! The only suggestion I can think of is even though it's free style you may wish to change the one line the next to the last Stanza and see if you can add a line or two, since you have a few lines for each of your other stanzas it may make the end flow a little smoother, and have more of a finality in the ending. I also noticed you use periods only in some places, and not in others. I'd be consisting about using them all the way through. I think it would help with reading the poem the way you would like it to be read.
I loved how you remembered something about each brother, and how you await to be reunited with them. If I had to pick a favorite stanza, I believe it would be your first: *ballon1*
Her mind is going home to a white frame house
Nestled among golden maples and long needle pines
Hidden behind wild, rambling roses and vines.
VERY GOOD JOB!
L*L,
Tracey My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This was a very good scary story. You did an excellent job making scenes full of imagery and chilling. I enjoyed the twists in the story-line, as well as how you made the main character with amnesia until he went home to find all the horrid exposures of his past. Excellent job.
MY SUGGESTIONS
I'd like to know what the father did to deserve such an end. Was it the father's fault? Or was the son just really crazy? Maybe a short scene with either the father abusing the boys or the son doing something evil.
ERRORS/TYPO'S
Didn't find any. Good job
MY FAVORITE PART
The way he came in and found his mother was very well described, very creepy and original. I also like the scene with the father and son. That is the two parts that made this story really creepy. I didn't like the scene of the dog, though. But, I'm an animal lover, and can see where the scene did add to the story.
GREAT JOB
L*L,
Tracey My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Excellent story. I really enjoyed how you used one of her spirit guides to help her through her ordeal. It's like her spirit has been attached to the spot she camped in. She had been there before, and have know little Bear before. I enjoyed the imagery. I wanted to be there with her, it sounded so peaceful and serene. You did an excellent job. I really enjoyed it.
This was a good story with a lot of surprises. I loved the imagery and the girls strong will and character along with the love that was shared between the horse and it's owner. Very touching and heart-warming story between the two of them, while a very violent and hateful story was unfolding against them. Good job.
MY SUGGESTIONS
Maybe having the scene where they killed her parents and took over the land would make us despise the villains even more.
ERRORS/TYPO'S
Didn't find any. Good job
MY FAVORITE PART
Was how they both survived to leave together to start a new life and the love that they shared between each other.
MY THOUGHTS This is a beautiful story. Very well told. You write with great imagery that puts us right into the story, and your main character is told so well, I feel like I've known her for awhile. I felt each emotion as she went through them, and inside cheered for her to go on.
MY SUGGESTIONS
This is hard, as it is so well-written. I would have liked for her to at least seen her horse one more time, but that would have changed the story, wouldn't it? I guess it would be maybe show a little more with what is going on in the mother's head through-out this whole ordeal.
ERRORS/TYPO'S
I didn't find a single one. Excellent job!
MY FAVORITE PART
The ending is very emotional and hopeful. I think that is why I like it best:
I may be crippled for life, and I may have lost my passion for riding, but I won't lose my passion for life as long as I have my family and my friends.
OVER-ALL
A very heart-wrenching story that had me cheering her on. A nice ending, but one that was sort of not expected, which is good. We travel with her from learning to ride, to her injuries to the sad, but happy ending. I feel you really did an excellent job with this write. Congratulations
This was a very cute story that shows we never know what fate has in store for us. It's almost like the bellboy was an angel for both of them.
SUGGESTIONS
The only thing I can think of is maybe tell a little of the woman also before they meet. That way we'll care about both of them finding each other.
TYPOS/ERRORS
Didn't find any. Good job.
MY FAVORITE PART
When the bellboy took him to the top floor and he met another lonely person there waiting for someone, whom she thought was him. And, how well they hit it off.
This is very good. I can definitely relate to this. Sometimes it feels if we are going to drown, before we breathe in our life-saving breath. I like the first stanza, but because of the promise and truth it holds, I believe this is my favorite:
There are always
new chances,
new paths,
a new choice.
{c:blue{b}Beautiful and sad story. You teach a lot about Ramadan. I have learned a lot reading your writings and Dreams writings. I like how you educate while telling a heart-wrenching story. You do an excellent job on emotion, as my heart went out to the mother and the child. Good job on characterization and imagery.
Nice story. I have heard of those that have crossed over getting in touch with loved ones by the phone. I like the way you used that. It makes me say, "IF only she would have picked up, what would he had said?" Good job.
I would have liked to have gotten to know the characters better, it would have helped me care more about what happened to them. Maybe let us get to know the husband a little and word the fight and the crash at the beginning, and how devastated she was at the funeral. Just my suggestions. I would also change this one sentence below:
-Maybe it was someone else and they buried someone else. -- I would change this to:
Maybe it was someone else they buried.
L*L,
Tracey
Perfect That's what I'd do with a million dollars also! Take care of everyone else, then I could enjoy what money I had left over. Very good Viv. You wrote an excellent story letting us get to know all the characters very well and care what happens to them. You painted a great picture with your words. *flower* I very much enjoyed it from beginning to end. Thank you.
Awww...very touching story. I greatly admire people that go through such serious diseases or issues and maintain an upbeat attitude. I've always believed they were sent here to teach many of us lessons, just through their actions and words. Your poem also is a very nice tribute to him.
You have to just take that leap and go. Your mother will have to get use to it. At 17 I left my family in Florida and moved almost as far from them without leaving the country to California, it was the best thing I ever did. Now, 23 years later I find myself in Florida but my home is not here, my heart belongs in Georgia, and I know one day that is where I'll return to live out the rest of my life. So, I definitely know what you mean when you say your heart is not there. It does make such a difference. I say go for it-- you only live once. You can always visit and write!
L*L,
Tracey
Wow, what a nut. I enjoyed it. Though in some places I found it a little hard to follow. Also, if she was just taking her mail up to her how did all of her ID end up by the gun? That didn't make a lot of sense to me. But the story was pretty creepy, mainly with how wacked out the main character was. You might want to think about adding a little more imagery to it. Other than that, good job!
Very lovely poem. Your love and faith for God shines through your writing. Very nicely done. I love all the verses, it's hard for me to pick a favorite, but I believe I like this verse the best:
The light of our soul
Is a flickering flame.
Its glow is soft- sometimes dim,
Until the flame is fed with His Love
And it shines more brightly with Him.
That is so true. I found one typo, you may wish to fix:
I really liked this! It was full of passion and emotion. Great imagery. Great job. I like the way it told the true story of how Indians would behave after a battle. It's hard to choose, but I believe this is my favorite stanza:
The Creator looked down that day
The spirits converged, deciding who would live
And who would die, who would win, who would loose
As tradition laid a hand, upon this land.
That was a pretty good story. It kept me interested from beginning to end. I'm one who believes you shouldn't play around with things like that. Things do happen that people don't understand. Your character development was good and the imagery was great. I liked the way that the experience effected Julia in the end as well. Good job.
This is a sad story, but all too real for many. I enjoyed it, but found it kind of slow in the beginning. I believe if you add more of the times her and her husband shared before his seizures, it would add a lot to the story and make us care more about what happens to him. You developed her character really well. You might want to do some research when you're working in areas not real familiar to you Some errors I found are listed below:
day(,) three years prior(,) when
2 ½ years ago- Spell out numbers ten and under.
She’s there now.(")
anything I can do?”
V-fib-D-fib- defribillation- fast,
erratic contractions of the heart, that
causes a difference between heartbeat and pulse.
blood sugar is unusually high(.) a person in his age group Normal blood sugar is usually 90-110 (an vary slightly depending on doctors by 5-10 points) for any age group.
Until we do the autopsy, we won’t know for sure, but that’s what it looks like.”- They really wouldn't have to do an autopsy. He died from diabetic ketoasitosis coma. His sugar probably read over 600 and he was probably spilling keotones into his urine causing seizures, coma and death.
Awww...this is a heart-touching story. One I'm afraid is all too true. As a nurse I've worked in nursing homes before, and it is truly sad those that do not have anyone to visit them. You did a good job. This touched my heart.
I found a few errors below:
family, she - should be a period instead of a comma. Cap She.
body and trying to lift her
all ready - already
listened to the Sofia's
forward(.) or anything like that
on a woman in
guessed what this woman in particular was doing,
a pit of disappear despair
L*L,
Tracey
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You have such a great story for imagery. You can use a lot more imagery to put us more into the story. Other than that, excellent job! 
Didn't find any. Good job! 
The way the story progresses. How the disappearances happen. I wonder why you chose to take the dandelions and walruses before the children. It seems like it would be the small children that would go first. But, I like how you used the dandelions first-- like things that seemed so insignificant was the first sign of things to come. The beginning of the end. Interesting and creative. 
You keep a close meter beat through-out the poem. There's a couple that's a little off, but not any real bad, except this one. You have 9 beats in the first line, and only 5 in the second. Since most of your poem, has closer to the same beats as line one, I'd change line 2, or add to it. Something like:
a truly loved and loyal friend.
My favorite stanza is:
She seems to know my every need
On the third line, it has nine beats, while all the other have eight. You can easily fix that by saying:
pacing like a worried parent.
I love that stanza. It shows the strong love between the child and the animal, and how much they take on a parental role over their beloved animal. So cute. 
This was a very unusual story. I loved your characters and the story plot. You had good imagery, and I looked forward to reading each new paragraph. There were some parts of the story...main parts, that were sort of skipped over in a few words. I would have liked to have understood them a little better.
I thought this was a really good story. It had a lot of action in it and the characterization and imagery was great. 
{/c:
Even though the part was very sad, it had to be when the tornado came because it was exciting, and you wanted to know what was going to happen next. Also, it definitely wasn't the ending I suspected.
my heart belongs in Georgia, and I know one day that is where I'll return to live out the rest of my life. So, I definitely know what you mean when you say your heart is not there. It does make such a difference. I say go for it-- you only live once. You can always visit and write!