It's amazing the kind of things that we do with our children or grandchildren which end up sticking in our minds the most. It's usually the simplist things.
This is an enduring, sweet tale of just such an activity. The simple pleasure of setting around the table telling ghost stories.
I think you have a really nice story which would be a lot better if you fleshed it out just a bit. Give us a little more background information. Tell us more about the characters, enough to make us feel and care for them. You have the meat of the story already written down, now just embellish it a bit. I think it will help the story tremendously.
Cute poem which shows how a flea's life must be. I think I have to agree that this is their whole purpose in life -- to make the poor doggy just as miserable as they can. As a pet owner to 2 furbabies, and living in Florida, where it usually doesn't get cold enough, long enough, to kill them off during the winter - I can fully relate. That's why I'm continuously on a mission to kill
(the almighty flea, that is)
Nice job.
Tracey
This is very good and makes the reader think of the final time of judgement. I thought he was going to be granted a longer life. But the stark reality of when it's over, it's over, was presented instead. Personally, I think this approach slammed the poem home, so to speak. The finality of the end really made me think.
I remember one time I had a dream, where I died and went to heaven. I remember in my dream thinking, I hope this isn't a dream. I made it to heaven. Oh, I hope this isn't a dream then I woke up. I don't know why this made me think of that particular dream-- I guess it the feeling both of them brings is similar. Nice job.
This is a nice poem which clearly shows the authors state of mind at the time. The emotions shine through your words. The rhyme scheme of AABB works well with the writing. The rhythm is good, but a bit bumpy in places -- this can be easily fixed, by reading the poem a loud and adding or subtracting a syllble or two at needed spots. There's also a couple of places which read a little awkward to me:
The cancer eats my soul away.
Maybe consider putting cancer in italics. Because when you first read it, it sounds like physical cancer, only later do you realize it is a manner of speaking. Italics will take care of this.
A ray of hope from God descends.
The brutal scars begin to mend.
I see the babe upon the throne.
I know I'll never be alone.
I put the whole stanza, where others could follow the context in which way the word, babe was used.
Used like this, you would think it is God seen on the throne, but clearly it is someone who will bring you company, a mortal, not God. The way you have it here, just reads awkwardly.
These are just my opinions. Only mentioned to maybe help you see this in a different light. I hope the suggestions were helpful to you. Overall a very nice poem.
Wow- powerful story. I don't see how no one could get it. Even though it was so long ago, it was so horrible. But you're right -- the towers too, will probably end up being just a boring essay in a class one day -- holding nothing but boring historical facts. Is it that, or is it that we build up a thick wall around us the more we endure such tales as these? A way to protect ourselves from universal devestation just as we would in our personal strifes. Either way you look at it, it's a sad, hard, cruel truth and fact of our civilization -- our world, our souls.
Wow- what a wonderful story with a couple of great twists thrown in -- especially the ending. You did a great job with characterization and execution of the story.
My heart really went out to the little boy...I was thinking, boy, that would be one mixed up kid when he grows up. Shows what a great job you did bringing me into the story and given it life.
This is so funny and clever. You did a great job writing a deadpan biography. I did have a lot longer review I was going to send you that said all kind of nice things and things you would like to hear, maybe even need to hear-- but I couldn't send it, because I realized I ate it Sorry, couldn't resist.
Wow, Bill. This is so very good! I would see about getting this published in metaphysical, spiritual or enlightenment mags. It's really very deep and spiritual. How you actually took the parts of a dead man to get the message across of him being dead spiritually and mentally was absolutely mind-blowing. It was like I was reading out of one of my enlightenment books. I'm very impressed I don't think I ever seen this side of you. Wonderful job. So well done. Thanks so much for sharing this-- I'm passing this on to my sister
Tracey
I applaud your ability to stand up for our Country and do so with dignity and pride. I come off as too angry when I try to write something in answer to some of the writings I have seen about America. Thank you for writing and saying what so many of us have wanted to say for a long time. Our soldiers blood is spilled for the same countries that spit on us, but yet come to live in our Country. I hope that all who have felt grievance toward the U.S.A reads this and other writings similar. Thank you.
Tracey
Great job. I believe we have grown a lot as a Nation since that horrible day. Sure, we're going to have disagreements -- a household has differences of opinions, so surly so will a whole country. But during it all- even though we don't seem as close on the outside, we can take comfort in the fact that we do know how close we truly are when it comes right down to it. That closeness, proudness is not gone, it's just covered up a little with time. It took us a long time to show it again, but Lord, doesn't it feel good to know that it is there? I think it does. You did a fantastic job writing this. I love the way you ended it.
I'm sorry for your loss and hope you feel better soon.
That's pretty funny. I think if you are going to write this as a short story, you need to write it out into paragraphs-- not write it in poetry form. Also, build up to it. Give a short story an opening, middle and end. You give us a tiny opening and jump right to the end. Build it up more. Tell us what ya'll are doing, what does your surroundings look like. Describe what you mean by your sister is one of those people you would love to be around just because of the things she does that comes natural to her but not to the average person. I think if you try to re-write it like this, you'll be pleasantly surprised at the full short story you have written. Good luck and keep writing!
Tracey
Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .
This is a very unusual story. You have to follow it very closely. I don't see how getting beat up would help him find what he is missing on the inside. Usually a person who feels like they are missing something tries to fulfill it with love. So how the whole self-abuse of people beating him up- I didn't quite understand. You did do a good job telling the story. Good job.
Tracey
Thank you for submitting this to "Invalid Item" . You should be very proud of yourself for already starting a novel at 13. Good for you! My suggestion would be to make the first chapter longer -- you want the first chapter to really pull the readers in. Give us more details of exactly what's going on. Why is Alex so important to her? If he's going to be back in a couple of days, why is she flipping out so much? I didn't quite understand the ending. I would expand on that as well. You do a good job with the characters and surroundings and getting the emotion across to the reader. You have a lot of talent. I know when you expand the story, it will really be a good read. Good luck
Tracey
What you have written here is very good. But to be a short story, as a reader, we want more. Expand it by explaining what's going on. You never make it clear through-out the writing. Let us know who it is coming to get you and why. What's going through your head? I really like the writing and it's hard to believe you're only 14- but it leaves you wondering what it was all about. I'm sure it will be a great story when you edit it and give us more details
Tracey
This is very good. Very imaginative. Your characters are brought to life in your story and we grow to care about them. The story moves very fast -- sometimes a little too fast. Like at the part where they discover they're twins, how he knows so quickly. Also, the father doesn't say anything at all to his son who he loved enough to hide away, hoping to break the spell. I'd like to see a little more interaction in both areas. I think you should continue this story as a novella, or at least another part. I would definitely read it. It seems like it's unfinished, not in a bad way, but in the way where you want them to be able to find another spell to save their father and maybe bind the devil.
What a sad story. You surly were able to make the reader feel your pain and emotions through your words. During the story you slipped up when writing about the twin and said 'me' instead of she. Just a slight different pov you kept through-out the rest of the writing. It's so sad to say that so many have lived through something to this extent. I am a survivor of childhood abuse and neglect. So this story surly hits home. Good job, it held my interest from beginning to end.
Tracey
Wow! Great job. Definitely could feel your passion and almost a sense of desperation coming through your words. It's also like you flirted with alliteration during your writing. A very sad poem with a great sense of loss. It flowed great and just rolled off the tongue. Wonderful job. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Tracey
This is a very cute little story. A quirky comedy for sure You did a great job getting your characters across to the reader. Good job. You do have a few typos or errors that you may wish to fix:
This is very deep and well written. I like how you start us from the very beginning before some would consider our existence. Do you ever think of the odds we have when we leave our father's loins? All of us were fighters from the very beginning -- having to fight to even get a chance to be in this life, to be of ourselves. You're right, it's exactly like a star in the universe. Good job. Makes one think, that's for sure.
Tracey
Great story. I really enjoyed it. You let us get to know your characters very well and care about what they were feeling and going through. You wrote your words clear enough so we could picture each scene as it was happening. And the end of course was a complete surprise! Great job keeping us in the dark until the very end. Never expected that at all! Have you submitted this into the Twilight Contest that happens monthly? I can't remember who runs it, but you should be able to find it on the contest page, which can be found through the drop down menu. Good luck.
Tracey
Very cute story. One I'm sure many kids will enjoy. You did a good job with your characters and letting get to know them. Maybe it could have been made a bit better with a little more expression and surroundings thrown in. Other than that, great job
This was good and I enjoyed it. You wrote it very well. But to me, you left too many questions unanswered. It's not bad leaving a few, but when it takes away from the story, you should add something to answer them. One, how old was Tommy when he first asked about Charlie -- he seemed sympathetic and young. Then when time had passed (it would be nice to know how much time) what changed him to want to hurt him? How bad did he hurt him? Evidently, not bad enough for the cops to get involved. But all of that left questions in my mind and gaps in the story. I think if you can awswer those questions, this story would really be good. Please let me know if you do, so I can re-read it
She didn't mean it.
but Tommy's mother did
I don't think you need to start a new paragraph here. You also need to cap the 'b' in 'But.'
This is a good story and you did a good job letting us get to know and care about the main characters. I do think you can make it much better though. One thing, I really don't see anything scary or horror about this, except the fear you felt. I think it would be better under mystery as we never found out what was causing the horse to be so spooked. Try to add a couple of action scenes -- that would really add a lot to the story. As it is now, you are just sort of telling us what is going on and no conclusions ever get met. With a little work, I know this story will be the story you envisioned it to be. Good luck and please let me know if you need anymore help.
Tracey
Awww...what a sad story. It's awful that so many children live through fighting like that every single day! I love the names and love how you incorporated the names into the story. Very well done. The love for the grandparents, especially the grandmother came through great You wrote the story really well. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
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The cancer eats my soul away.
A ray of hope from God descends.
unidentifable
Thats it! 
oput 
dont move 
Its gona