Fåysælthëîra's male foe that overcame her must have been very powerful, both physically and magically. I'd like to know and some more of him. Make this pivoting seen come alive with dialog and friction. I like how you chose a fast paced method from the start; good attention grabber. Nice job on use of old English. The odd names was a nice touch too. Good work.
What a fine feline friend. I've never taken to cats, but this touched my heart. I've only seen such care from a dog. Usually this is how only dogs act from my experience. Oh, and about your cat going to a better place, there is something in the Bible that says that the animals will "lay down with the Earth."I suppose that just means they'll simply rest. Casey was an exceptional pet. I'm glad he brought you so much joy. May he rest in peace.
Wow! What a second by second suspense action thriller. Every word was tension building and carried me from scene to scene. Your descriptions pertained to the senses cognitively. I could almost feel the anxiety and fear of the story teller. I really don't know why the only rating you got was so low.
This deserves something. Write on man!
Forgive me for not catching this, but what is a terminator? Anyway besides that, this was touching. There appears to be a moral to this story; everyone deserves respect. I got this from the fourth line from the bottom. I really can't think of any further thoughts. I believe you could make this better. How? I don't know. All in all this wasn't bad. Write on man!
Kudos to you for your insightful definition of perfection. I too see it as a thing of the heart and not necessarily how we act and what we say. Likewise, the popular view of perfection is unattainable. The Bible itself supports these two ideas. It's an age old dilemma that is hard to grasp. Pretty wise thinking. You deserve the ribbon.
I'm not speaking from the point of view of someone in a relationship but I do understand and appreciate this. I think that the main reason most relationships die is because romance burns out. Small things like love letters can be very potent in sustaining partnerships. It's dangerous to rely just on feelings of passion or charm. There is a Bible verse that says "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who Loves the Lord is to be praised." Again if you look at a book in the old Testament called Song Of Solomon; you'll find good examples of love and courtship. Thanks for your insight!
Your poem really hit home for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm just acting the role of a writer and that It's all a chore now. I know we all have doubts every so often, but it's a dilemma at some instances. However, like your poem shows at the end, it's all about being loved and respected for who you are. Even our dreams can be masks at times when we chose to pursue them for the wrong reasons. Thanks for the word.
Good job with all the dialog. This first chapter was relatively streamlined and informative to set the premise. It starts out a little slow but the intrigue mounts near the end which is capped with a good hanger.
I did see something out of place. In the beginning you used "to keep her mouth shut." that is said by Mary and Gena twice. To correct this just rephrase it. Now this is just my opinion from how I read it. Good luck with your next chapter. I suspect the plot to get allot more interesting.
Wow, what a dunce. She must have been blond. I like how you you give Death a normal, light witted way of talking that is not melancholy. If I were him I'd have sliced her without a word at the outset. So if Death is dead(funny thing to say) will that mean no one will ever die? Eventually the world would become overpopulated. In that cane we'd have to start colonies on Mars. Thanks for the laugh!
This story could someday be true. Like allot of people, I believe humans will be cloned soon. The same is true with the memory extraction. I noted how the doctor was just interested in the memories that Lenny had. He really didn't care too much about him at all. Oh, and I also agree that hicks will still be around in the future too. Great story!
Your so funny!; and the ending was so unfortunate for Tom and Beak. Everything culminates with both the protagonist and the antagonist just dying so abruptly! Ah, I can just imagine a Pilgrim with a musket carrying home the main course. This has funny written all over it man! Great job! BTW, was this the product of one or more revisions to your story? It looks very developed.
This was funny. It doesn't seem to have a premise but it still was fun. Nice experimentation with the second person. I think the ending was too abrupt. It could be spookier. I like how you keep my attention in the bus as it goes along and with what happens. It was easily imagined. Write on man!
I agree with many of your statements. This kind of reflects the learning process of special Ed. Your idea would keep less if not all of those students from graduating being illiterate. The problem lays with the tremendous lobbying and finances that are essential to attaining this. Plus we would have to hire lots of teachers to maintain such a focus on each student. Also, the choice to attend college would be the deciding factor. It would ultimately eliminate legislation and leave millions of dollars at an individuals whim. With lots of willing souls and substantial money it could be possible to slowly integrate some type of program.
Before I go on to the predominantly good stuff, I'd like to point out a few things. For starters, the segment below of yours; sightlessly does not make sense and it is spelled wrong. What do you mean by sightlessly.?
"Dr Jenkins pale blue-grey eyes stared sightlessly up at her and his mouth lay open,"
With this one, shakily is not a word and you mix tenses. Try using "She gathered herself as she shook and grabbed the emergency supply kit off the floor and opened it, to check the contents."
"Gathering herself shakily, she grabbed the emergency supply kit off the floor and opened it, checking the contents."
Also don't say where each of the five sections of the ship or just mention the rooms the characters go to. I believe there are more errors but I'll spare both of us the time
Now for the good stuff. You've basically mastered the element of drama. You also described Kate's emotions by action and thought. You showed and did not tell. Over all a good account. Just do a little tweaking. Write on.
I liked the philosophical aspect of this. I especially loved that you put in the Biblical connotation into this. The emotion that Morshaht expresses is deeply powerful. At first I thought that this story addressed Hinduism or some other Eastern religion. What a witness! Thanks!
Nice poem. Now, is this talk a love relationship between the woman narrator and another person? Is she just detached and nonconforming to the happy man? Forgive me for not understanding, but why is she unhappy? Anyways, I liked it. The woman really exposes her emotions which really comes out very clearly. Forgive me for not getting all this. I took a nap that was too long and I'm very groggy. If I were normal, I'd have allot more encouraging words to say.
This little tale was quite easy to relate with fantasy. Even though this is the beginning of a story, I would have liked to have seen more fanciful elements like magic; maybe an enchanted object to use against dragon. That is just my wish and perhaps an insignificant one at that. Oh and congrats with the intense dialog the whole way through. I love confrontation, especially surprise ones. Write on man!
This was a captivating story and lots of emotion from the start with the heated argument. There is one thing I might suggest. It's a cardinal rule that we all must learn as writers. That thing is show don't tell. Instead of saying someone is mad, just how it by actions and words. I struggle with this myself. You have a good premise; you simply need a little tweaking to make it better. And write one as usual!
I like this poem, but try to work on your flow and clarity. The way it sounds is very spontaneous and goofy. This is exactly what you need for this kind of poem. Also I was not too sure what or who the poem who or what it was about even after reading it over. Good work and keep writing!
I'm not saying this to butter you up or just fill up space; you have talent and this was a story with potential. I truly enjoyed it. However the reading had quite a bit of errors i it. I'm just going to give you a few pointers concerning this chapter-
-don't repeat yourself
-don't put sudden or irrelevant content that interrupts flow.
-Don't write as is if you were talking to me with loose or slang dialect. For instance in the last paragraph you wrote-
"Hermes sighed and replied, almost bored with, ‘that woman in that village is not your mother. Alexius Rivira, you are a demigod, you see you are the son of the goddess of wisdom and battle strategy, your mother is Athena’."
What you begin with may sound alright when your just talking but written it is out of sync. Also watch your punctuation. Put a period after "demigod.
So just tweak some things and I'd love to read it again as well as what follows. Kudos and write on!
I like how each line is so short. It's like a quick look at something powerful; bits and pieces of things: glimpses of emotion. It leaves space for pondering about it all. It's nice how you depicted anger as a visible entity. It creates an ominous, eerie atmosphere.Great work!
This was so funny. I like the anchorman Biff. He really reflects the ego that allot of TV figures have. I also thought it was funny how Rose's husband was kind of embarrassed about watching General Hospital. I'm just revolted by the insane story line or lines (who can decide?) and the bad acting that goes on. Forgive me if you like them, but it is is just not my thing. i wonder what it is that attracts viewers. Anyway, thanks for the laugh!
Mom's are heroes especially ones that have jobs such as this. Most of the time it's the man who is lifted up as the strong prevailing one. Like most heroes, like yours, they have a disguise as not to draw too much attention to themselves and so that they can live a private life. I think that as woman are traditionally subservient they are likewise humbler. Kudos to all you women superheroes and thank you for your inspiring account!
How sad. Such a jewel of a person lost to this uncaring world. I admired Mary. The attributes of her made me think of what people will think of me when I pass away. Nice creative spin with the cherry tree being the narrator. It gave it a lingering, melancholy nostalgia that leaves me wondering about the story. Good work.
I found this to be quite immersing. I love how you delve into very stinging notion and painful emotion. Everything was so descriptive. Every nano second of her feelings are shown in her narration. Bit by excruciating bit you put me into her shoes. It's especially sad that she hangs on to a longing that will never be satisfied. Thanks for the depth of content and keep writing!
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