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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jakrebs
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568 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
She goes to Philadelphia and gets a philly cheese stake, and that stake goes right to her heart.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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2
Review of The Question Box  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey Bob. Haven't sent you a review in quite a while...

This is different from your usual stuff, being that your usual stuff is usually rather unusual. You know I like your usual unusual stuff, but I liked this as well.

This poem is more straightforward and I think the universal aspect of it will touch many. It's gentle and thoughtful. I think it shows your range as a writer.

You also call yourself Bob in this piece, and I can't remember you ever doing that.

Anyway this is a very nice visual piece. I could picture it clearly in my mind. From the train to the fish. And it sets a very interesting mood. Bob is isolated and can not visit, and so share his train. Still he finds some happiness despite this. He finds some contentedness with his train, his fish, his thoughts, and his memories.

I think this will strike a cord with many of us right now.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of The Jar with Ears  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aww, double aww.

What a great idea for a story. It has been a long time since I've read anything with such a creative premise.

Or such an important premise too.

This is great as is, but you could play with this story as well.

You could shorten it and make it a children's story/book. Making it rhyme and a simple poem would work well into making it that book.

You could also lengthen it a little and flush it out more. You could give the jar a backstory, maybe it was somewhere else before it appeared on the counter of Bob's counter. Or maybe give the jar more of a personal voice. I read your bio and see you've lived in the south for some time. The jar seems to me a southern belle with a heart, you could give her a little drawl.

Or you could keep it just as it is. This is a great concept for a story, and you transferred that idea very deftly and nicely into your story. I could picture Bob's store, the community and what the jar thought of it's people clearly.

This is a wonderful story. I hope more people round here trip over it like I did and read it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
That is very very cute.

It has children's book written all over it.

All you need is more of the same.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Visitor  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Angus, been a long while since I reviewed anything here. Going to slap some praise on this though cause it's real real good.

Zippy, moved right along. Like that. In this day-in-age that's a plus. But the story isn't hurt by its brevity. You develop a rounded, full story in a short span, that is hard to pull off.

And so many nice twists. And so many nice lines.

"Because you’ve never really loved anyone. Simple as that. You’ve never known what love is."

That's one. And...

"So would you like to trade your soul for one of your own?”

That's another. Lots to digest with that line.

And the end. Perfect.

We all know you can write horror. But I think when you mix horror with, I don't know, the human condition, or literature, or something high minded, that mixture is when you are really weaving your magic.

That's what you did here.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I like the dreamy-nether state you put the character in. Writers often use dreams as a story telling tool, and sadly, over use them poorly. You used your character's dream state very appropriately here. Another wise writing decision.

This story is great. And the last line is downright beautiful.

How is he feeling?

He's feeling a lot of things, and none of them good.

One of the best horror short stories I've ever read.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of When I'm Thin  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
JC the funny thing is, like you say, men show very little interest in bigger women, but as far as writing goes (luckily) that rule doesn't apply.

This held my interest from beginning to end. I liked the short paragraph form you picked and I thought you did a lovely job of translating your thoughts into poetic writing.

I was riveted when I read this and I was right there with you along for the unhappy ride, whether it was with you trying to get past someone through a narrow hall or with you as you wished you could bond closer with your sisters.

It was somewhat of a sad ride, but honestly I couldn't help but smile some too, because while you're sad about your weight and that moved me, I couldn't help but be pleased by how flat out well you write.

Just remember smart is always sexy too.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
M, I like it. It zips along. Very clear and concise. The narrator has a strong, clear voice. She is sharing her thoughts, but that aren't dreamy or fuzzy, so it takes her out of the realm of stream of consciousness, nevertheless her thoughts still give a "thinking" vibe.

I don't think I read the prompt cue carefully so when I was done reading the story I smiled when I saw it, because I thought (before I read that) that one interpretation of the story was that the narrator suffered from hysterical pregnancy syndrome. That fits the madness part of the prompt.

Lastly, I think you tapped deftly into the grieving aspect of the narrator. She knows what's going on, and how her withdrawal is affecting her mother, but she just can't resist mourning to move on.

And see, with that, you have the love part. To me that's love.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Light of Night  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hmmm, my interpretation of this?, (and I know it's not what you intended for sure) is this poem is about death. Wanting death. Leaving this stink hole world, with it's fear, sadness and pain (and day shadows) and just succumbing to the freeing and embracing light of night.

But for me it don't really matter what this poem is sapposed to be about anyways. It's perfect.

Don't change a word of it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Anatomy Lab  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh my God, sadorose, this got me laughing and laughing. It took no longer than the second line before I busted out laughing.

It also got me thinking. At first I thought the, "Many chunks were tossed" line was wrong. But then I went back to the song on youtube. The tiny ship was tossed. The tiny ship was tossed! So it works, it works.

Listen I always hesitate to make/offer constructive criticism for pieces (who am I?), but I do have one for this - It would be to tighten it up with the Gilligan's theme song. Your song, it seems to me does not follow the theme song beat for beat or line for line for that matter. For example, you say "Many chunks were tossed." That's missing a couple syllables from, "The Minnow would be lost."

To "fix" this might be simple. Say, for instance, "Many lumpy chunks were tossed. Many lumpy chunks were tossed."

I know what you're thinking. This was a toss off poem, it need not follow the song exactly. But rose, I friggin' loved this. I think it will be funnier if your lab "song" follows the cadence of the theme song beat for beat, cause the reader will be singing it in his head as he reads your changes. That's so crucial to the humor.

Also I wanted your lab characters so bad! I know, just know, that the ones you come up with will be gems. Where's your lab version of Gilligan and the Skipper and the millionaire and his wife? And for Pete's sake, where's the PROFESSOR and Mary Anne?)

Actually it looks like you didn't finish it? Maybe???

Anyway, it's wicked clever and amusing as it is, so you can ignore my suggestion to make it beat for beat and line for line like the song. But it would make it longer, and in this case, I think for this short piece more would be better.

And I'm sure anything you added would get me smiling and laughing like a fool.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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10
Review of Fade  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ha, no wonder you liked my poem, this is full of gentle angst as well. I dug this a lot. The rhythm and the repetition of "I fade" is perfectly used to counterbalance the lines in between.

This is my favorite kind of poetry. I don't see it very often, but when I do I get this big smile of my face, despite the heaviness of loss the narrator feels and her slipping father away from...from...maybe everything...I can't help but appreciate the universality of someone who feels loss and because of this is lost.

Wish I had time to read more of your stuff right now, but I have to go.

I fade too....


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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11
Review of Hour Glass  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
Kotaro, this is great. I just read it, and thought about it, read it and thought about it...all with this big smile on my face. A throw back Japanese poem that seems (to me) to fulfill in all requirements for Haiku...not that I'm an expert. And done so wonderfully too.

I bet you smiled too after you wrote it. It you didn't, you may do so now if you please.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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12
Review of Eighteen  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great poem, Emily. Creative, different - in a good way. You have your own style that gives this a compelling edge. And it's so very lyrical in the themes it covers, I just dug all your word choices. I'm going back, looking at this for lines I particularly liked. The first line is brilliant and captivating. The ending line(s) are...just perfect. The lines in between...well they are great too. This is a lovely and complete poem.

I hope a lot of young people come across this for if they do many would be heartened to know they aren't the only people who feel anxiety and uncertainty about their future.

Indeed, these themes are so universal I hope older people read this as well. You need not be eighteen to be moved by your poem. And by the way, we older people have no road map for you. We are as uncertain and adrift as your narrator is, the secret is we just pretend we aren't.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Romance  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is great. Gentle, delicate, romantic. I love the narrator's voice. Very lyrical in the syntax and word choice.

The ending is a bit cryptic, but poetry is supposed to be a bit mysterious, no? I'm guessing the paramour relieved the narrator of some emotional thorn.

Suggestions - Think about changing the text U's and Ur's to you and your. People will say it's distracting.

It's a great piece of writing. Otherwise don't change a word.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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14
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is great Bob. So good I read it twice.

Keep them coming.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is brilliant. Great insight with a creative angle. I wouldn't dare to critique this other than to offer a couple small changes which are; first, capitalize those two stray "we's" and second, I think the "as safety in numbers is the only safety we experience" line should also start as a "We" sentence. It's a great line but it sticks out like the proverbial sore thumb which makes it somewhat distracting to the rest of the poem.

Otherwise I wouldn't touch a word, it's superbly gripping.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Cat  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
I read this to my girlfriend as she was eating lunch. She laughed a lot and liked it. She said your poem was very good.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Dream  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Awww, very romantic. Dreamy, if you will. I like it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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18
Review of Carve Knock Life  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
It is always a delightful surprise to find a gem of a story like this on WDC. This story was very clever and creative. I dug the jack-o-lantern's cultural analysis of Halloween traditions. The vernacular angle of the two's language was deftly done and added to characterizing/defining the two. Then you had a classic short story twist at the end. That was cute, funny, but also grisly if you think about it. But isn't that Halloween? Cute and fun, but grisly if you think about it?

This story was so good I had to go back and read it again, just for fun. I think it would make a great picture book. Such a great, complete story for so few words.

Awesome Halloween story. Scratch that. Awesome story period.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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19
Review of Cracking up  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good, raw, I like it, but where are other pieces by you.

Get on that.
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Review of Life is Strange  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Loved this Logan. Delicate, smart, lyrical, romantic (despite the undercurrent of sadness - ?), great imagery. I read something like this and instantly I know I'm in the hands of a poet. Best thing I've read on here in quite a while and it has to be months on months since I've written a review.

This poem deserves one though, so there you go.

And you go too. Keep writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful, Bob. I love this piece. Little bits of wisdom, sadness here and there with a lovely note of poetry throughout it all.

One of my favorites pieces by ya. You keep writing cause you are getting better and better by the day.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Obituary  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Whoa, whoa, whoa...if your intent was to shock you succeeded in spades with me my dear.

But that's good writing, right? Better to shock than to bore.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Weirdone, you bastard. I believe you've written the winner for The Lair contest here.

I loved this. It followed many of the standard fantasy/short story marks here, but did so in a very satisfying way. I was right there with the main character on his journey and loved the lesson that the dwarf taught him in the end about what a true treasure really is. Also, it has just the right touch of journey and magic that a fantasy story needs.

I hope lots of people check in to see what great, sweet, romantic story you whipped up here, and that you did so in so few words just makes this story better. This tale impressed me to no end.

See you in the winner's circle.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Selfish  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent MAX. This is a great piece and a wonderful read. It's deceptively short as it really tackles big topics. Don't get me wrong, it's perfect as is, in fact making it longer may make it less powerful.

There are so many things I could say in praise of this, but I think the true strength of this lies in that the narrator comes to realize the accusation is true. Not that I necessarily agree with the narrator's epiphany as such a reflective, open minded character doesn't seem to be selfish. My point, that such a considerate character sees himself as self-centered is part of the beauty of the piece.

Keep these assignments coming. This one gets an A from me.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of PENdemonium  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Calcifer. Welcome to WDC.

Nice poem here. You have some very clever lines here, the first and last lines are deft and I always like when a poem or piece is bookended with solid lines.

I like the rhyme scheme. I liked the aghst of the piece too, it's has a nice balance with some underlying hopefulness.

This poem does not deserve 3 and 1/2 stars. Here let me set that to right.

Keep these poems coming.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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