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601 Total Reviews Given
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Review of "Laura"  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very, very, nice. Creative, fun to read, different, it even makes you think. Isn't that what good writng is suppose to do?

And then when you get to the ending, you get to reread it and enjoy it on a different level. The second time around. I really enjoyed the word choices you used to make this work.

Another thing you achieved in this piece is suspense. As I'm reading (and as I'm sure you intended) I was intrigued as to the actual nature of the modification.

I wonder though - Does Sid love Laura JUST as much as he did before the operation. I mean, she is not the Laura he gave "birh to," exactly.

A wonderful piece of writing. An honor to read it.
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Review of Jawbone  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This poem is not in your usual style. I like that. It is good to see that you are playing around in the prose arena of poetry. Change is good.

The holding my breath seems to be a common theme in your writing. I think I read something like that in your blog. On a personal note, I'm sorry your emotions come to that.

You are worrying too much about Jonah. They are taking good care of him. You are taking good care of him. He likes where he is.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
To me the most important thing about this essay is its advice on how to beat writer's block, or find your muse. I find that doing things like retyping an old piece of work, changing locales, or, as you describe here, changing the means of writing itself, is often the trick that's gets me unstuck. You do that very convincingly here.

My feedback to you - this definitely works as is, but it also cries out to be "penned" as a poem. It's an ode, and I think it would translate well into a rhyming, homage poem. Don't get me wrong, I think the essay is great, but I urge you to pull out a colorful pen and see if it (your pen, your muse) has a poem, about itself, somewhere within its own ink.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very clever. Loved it. It should have won I'm sure.

This limerick dates you, by the way. So any time you are up for the early bird, I'll treat.
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Review of Beest  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
OK, so the first thing I want to say is NOOOOOOOOOOOO. You can't end this story there.

OK, so I guess you can end this story there. Actually ending it there is very poignant and heart warming.

But I want more. Maggie is an absolutely riveting character. What a superb job you did in capturing her voice. And Maggie and Michael are great together. You created a wonderful chemistry between them.

Still I want more. Probably you are happy with this as it stands. But if you are thinking of continuing on with this I say don't fight that urge. This could be the next The Pigman. It's brilliant.

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81
Review of Bury Me Now  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
Again, this is killer. What else can I say? It's all very moving.
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Review of If I Stay  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a lovely poem. I liked the way you arranged and presented it. Very unique and creative.

There are some wonderful lines/thoughts is this. My favorites;

"I am lost on this lonely road
I need someone to take me home"

"my life has been filled with sorrow
and I am tired of waiting for tomorrow."

Poem like these, that are so emotional and vunlerable, tend to either really strike home with the reader, or utterly fail. For me this poem definitely hit home.

I look forward to reading more of your writng.
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Review of A Writer....  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this kkelly - I dug it.

You have some grammaticals that you HAVE to fix.

"becauce" should be because,

"to many" should be too many (and again you make this mistake a couple lines down - watch that to vs. too thing)

Fix these. They mar what I think is a very creative and compelling poem. Remeber to use the built in spell check here. It will catch a lot of this stuff, and it's so easy ot use.
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84
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Damn, Hands I have so much to say to you about this. When I read this, I kind of felt like an English teacher who just read something fantastic a student wrote - a student who I know will surpass me as a writer, by leaps and bounds, down the road. But, like said teacher, I also a lot of suggestions for you too.

The way this is organized was hard on my tired. old eyes. If you do nothing else, please put in a line space between each paragragh.

I would take the "lemme"s and such out. This is a close call for me - I like vernacular. But it seems this stream of consciousness essay borders a litttle too much on the intellectual for that. I know, I know...it's also a f***ing viscerally, primal essay too - so the lemmes work on that level. Your call. Anyway, whatever you do, DON'T take out the weenies. Those really work for some reason.

I would take out the marching to battle against the faggots. I bet you're not a homophobe, most metal guys aren't (even though they toss around words like faggot and such). However, I think it just serves as a distraction to a wonderful piece of writing.

Now I hesitate to suggest this, because others might not agree, but if this was my essay, I would break it down into "chapters." Why? Well one, for hte readability of it, it's long. But two, because it really has definite chapter themes. For instance, that part when you switch to the technical aspects of metal (that "chapter IS muscle flexing, fuel injected metal by the way) to me is a definite chapter break.

Or not. The essay definitely stands on its own. You certainly could tell me, in true metal fashion, to stick all my pretentious, weenie suggestions up my candy ass.

A lot of this essay has a very poetic feel to it. Many of your themes, points, insights, feelings... I believe could be captured into some outstanding poetry. If fact some parts of this essay wouldn't need much changing at all to "turn" it into poetry. Lines like;

Who leads the army into battle?
The vox, the frontman.

or

If the Greeks had a drum god,
it'd be George Kollias,
the 280+ drummer,
the killer blast beats.

in fact need no changing at all.

And if you do decide to "translate" some of this essay into some muscle-flexing, head banging poetry - then I'd definitely switch back to using your lemmes, or contractions like "it'd"....

Anyway, this was a great read. Very nicely done.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (5.0)
An important (if heartbreaking) reminder of what happened that day. The first stanza pulls you right in, and the the rest of the poem builds nicely upon that.

I really liked the note too. Very fascinating that you were so closely tied to the events that happened that day.

I'm gald your ex-boyfriend was done working, and I'm glad your friends were safe.
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Review of Wrong  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this. The beginning has just the right "feel" of someone who is struggling with the choice to be made. The first sentence, in itself, is telling.

I liked how the narrator, even though he was well aware (intellectually) of how desire was effecting him, ultimately was overcome.

The last sentence, like the first, is poignant.

An excellent poem, with an undeniably universal theme.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am probably the umpteenth person to tell you that this really needs to be converted into a poem. Why would I bother to tell you something I'm sure other people have already told you? Because this REALLY needs to be converted into a poem.

It's beautiful by the way. I don't think you would have to change a word of it. Just break it down into lines.
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Review of THOSE THREE WORDS  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an excellent poem. Rarely is the recipient of love the teller of a love poem.

I have a couple of small suggestions for you if you choose to take them. I would get rid of both "For"s. The for in "For I cannot follow." and the for in "For I do not know the meaning of those three words."

I think I would also change the "He stands as in a despair," to the traditional (and perhaps unpoetic) He stands in despair.

Small changes or not this is a good poem.
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Review of Graduation Speech  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
I don't believe I've ever had the pleasure of being able to read a graduation speech before. I feel honored.

It is a fine speech. I think it's strength is that it is obviously written by a student. I do not see a lot of parent or teacher influence in what you wrote.

I will keep my comments to this. When you mention the buying of the fish you have to say who bought the fish and why. And the same for the voting of names. Why were they voting on names?

Anyway, like I said, I very much enjoyed the speech. Knock them dead!
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very enjoyable and educational article. This piece has a very journalistic feel to it. And man I'm telling you you don't mess around with the points you want to make. Zip, zip, zip - they happen one after another in rapid succession. I loved it.

This was a great write and I definitely learned a lot.
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Review of A River Runs Dry  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is cool. I've never heard of shape poetry, and I like what you did with it.

My only comment/suggestion would be that maybe you could make the poem in the shape of an hour glass since it has the sand theme in it, You could make flowing:



xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxx
flo
w
ing
xxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxx or something like that.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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92
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very Nice. Looking forward to Chapter 3.

Hey by the way, who is Jackie the daughter of? Hmmmmmmm.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
The first thing you need to do is change the font to something bigger and more readable. This needs a lot of editing too, and that is not my strength. But as far as the story went I was caught up in it and enjoyed the ride. You definitely have a good story idea here. No doubt about it.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.0)
Firstly the title of this is absolutely beautiful, especially as it relates to the theme/content of the "story."

I think this screams out to be a poem though. There are a lot of very poetic phrases and imagery in this piece that, for me, seem to want to find a home in a poem.

Anyway if you think I am off the mark leave it as is. It's certainly a good piece of writing as is.
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Review of Bone Machine  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I was completely fooled by this one, and pleasantly so. The "bachelor feel" at the beginning of this didn't strike me as particularly dark (or light for that matter) so the gravity of the ending took me by surprise.

Of course I completely missed the first line, and the wolf at the door part too.

Anyway, my poor reading skills aside, as a man who lives alone this piece was spot on in relating how being alone can certainly make you lose your head. IAnd it's your details that you put in the poem that convey this.

Blah, blah, blah...I do go on. This poem kicks ass - that's all that needs to be said.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a perfect poem for me to read right now. It's April and here in the northeast it is raining like crazy. It won't quit.

This is really quite a creative poem. Lots of great visual imagery, especially between the wet (puddles and mud) and the sunnier days.

I like the rhyme scheme you used too. You mananged some really clever and creative rhymes here.

Thoroughly enjoyable write.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, I think your two sents are worth a couple hundred dollars. I loved this, but it's really dense with information. I'm going to have to file it away in the old favorites pile so I can reread it again. It's going to take me a few times to digest it completely.

Anyway, I liked the piece for many different reasons. First, I just found it entertaining. I like how you went through the example and broke it down piece by piece to fix it. Good little piece of stream of conciousness too. And I liked the examples in and of themselves.

Lastly, I too have started to "cut back" of my use of adverbs, but this gives me a clue as to how to go about it better. So thank you.
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Review of The Cutter  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a strangely beautiful poems in many ways, which is bizarre considering the topic of the poem. I'm sure you intended this jarring juxtaposition, and for me it works.

I particularly liked the third and last stanzas - very pistureque and lyrical. They almost flow like a soothing lullaby.

This is an elightening poem in that it helps explain the allure of cutting to us non-cutters.

Really interesting poem.
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Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderful idea for,.. well for whatever this is. Is there a writer in the world who, desperate for some feedback and attention to his work, hasn't asked the wrong someone to read something he has written?

Very funny too. The dialogue between your folks and you is hilarious. I like how you included the poem being discussed too.

And, as far as the poem itself goes, I really dug the first stanza. You described something (the dust floating in the sunlight) that I think will have all spent some time staring at for it's beauty very deftly.

Two great writes in one (isn't that an advertisement?).
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Review of Blueberry Pickin'  
Review by Jakrebs
Rated: E | (4.5)
I guess I'm anti-"old" because when I read that you were a grandmother I just assumed I wasn't going to like this story. But you reeled me in with the second line about picturing your granddaughter rolling her eyes. Lots of good humorous touches in this piece.

I'm kind of with you with that Ernest call. Alligators are cold blooded eating machines, not pets.

I didn't know they had blueberries in Florida. I thought that was a northern thing. More stereotyping on my part.

Anyway this is a good story and well told. Thank you for the pleasant read.
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