Kotaro, this is great. I just read it, and thought about it, read it and thought about it...all with this big smile on my face. A throw back Japanese poem that seems (to me) to fulfill in all requirements for Haiku...not that I'm an expert. And done so wonderfully too.
I bet you smiled too after you wrote it. It you didn't, you may do so now if you please.
Great poem, Emily. Creative, different - in a good way. You have your own style that gives this a compelling edge. And it's so very lyrical in the themes it covers, I just dug all your word choices. I'm going back, looking at this for lines I particularly liked. The first line is brilliant and captivating. The ending line(s) are...just perfect. The lines in between...well they are great too. This is a lovely and complete poem.
I hope a lot of young people come across this for if they do many would be heartened to know they aren't the only people who feel anxiety and uncertainty about their future.
Indeed, these themes are so universal I hope older people read this as well. You need not be eighteen to be moved by your poem. And by the way, we older people have no road map for you. We are as uncertain and adrift as your narrator is, the secret is we just pretend we aren't.
This is great. Gentle, delicate, romantic. I love the narrator's voice. Very lyrical in the syntax and word choice.
The ending is a bit cryptic, but poetry is supposed to be a bit mysterious, no? I'm guessing the paramour relieved the narrator of some emotional thorn.
Suggestions - Think about changing the text U's and Ur's to you and your. People will say it's distracting.
It's a great piece of writing. Otherwise don't change a word.
This is brilliant. Great insight with a creative angle. I wouldn't dare to critique this other than to offer a couple small changes which are; first, capitalize those two stray "we's" and second, I think the "as safety in numbers is the only safety we experience" line should also start as a "We" sentence. It's a great line but it sticks out like the proverbial sore thumb which makes it somewhat distracting to the rest of the poem.
Otherwise I wouldn't touch a word, it's superbly gripping.
It is always a delightful surprise to find a gem of a story like this on WDC. This story was very clever and creative. I dug the jack-o-lantern's cultural analysis of Halloween traditions. The vernacular angle of the two's language was deftly done and added to characterizing/defining the two. Then you had a classic short story twist at the end. That was cute, funny, but also grisly if you think about it. But isn't that Halloween? Cute and fun, but grisly if you think about it?
This story was so good I had to go back and read it again, just for fun. I think it would make a great picture book. Such a great, complete story for so few words.
Awesome Halloween story. Scratch that. Awesome story period.
Loved this Logan. Delicate, smart, lyrical, romantic (despite the undercurrent of sadness - ?), great imagery. I read something like this and instantly I know I'm in the hands of a poet. Best thing I've read on here in quite a while and it has to be months on months since I've written a review.
Weirdone, you bastard. I believe you've written the winner for The Lair contest here.
I loved this. It followed many of the standard fantasy/short story marks here, but did so in a very satisfying way. I was right there with the main character on his journey and loved the lesson that the dwarf taught him in the end about what a true treasure really is. Also, it has just the right touch of journey and magic that a fantasy story needs.
I hope lots of people check in to see what great, sweet, romantic story you whipped up here, and that you did so in so few words just makes this story better. This tale impressed me to no end.
Excellent MAX. This is a great piece and a wonderful read. It's deceptively short as it really tackles big topics. Don't get me wrong, it's perfect as is, in fact making it longer may make it less powerful.
There are so many things I could say in praise of this, but I think the true strength of this lies in that the narrator comes to realize the accusation is true. Not that I necessarily agree with the narrator's epiphany as such a reflective, open minded character doesn't seem to be selfish. My point, that such a considerate character sees himself as self-centered is part of the beauty of the piece.
Keep these assignments coming. This one gets an A from me.
Nice poem here. You have some very clever lines here, the first and last lines are deft and I always like when a poem or piece is bookended with solid lines.
I like the rhyme scheme. I liked the aghst of the piece too, it's has a nice balance with some underlying hopefulness.
This poem does not deserve 3 and 1/2 stars. Here let me set that to right.
OMG, I remember writing this review! I hope you did have a nice day that day.
I think in order for people to really see how spot on my review was you really need to include your original poem above my review, you know, to provide readers with CONTEXT and all. I mean without it (it being your one star poem, of course) how can anyone REALLY know if, for example, "Your rhyme scheme is put off by not giving each their on line"? There is no way for them to know!
Additionally I think it would be a good idea for you to then post your MODIFIED and ALTERED poem below my review in your static item, since I'm sure the new poem will be improved immensely because of my suggestions. I know the whole newly created piece, consisting of your first wanting poem, my spot on review, and then your improved, revised piece, will be very illustrative of the ebb and flow of the process in writing where a flawed piece is constructively critiqued by a someone with a masterful eye and then the author rewrites it to make it better.
Granted it will take ALOT of rewriting to make it better, mind you.
Don't forget to "go through and figure out where you want everything to be" for indeed that will be crucial to its taking off as poetry.
When you are done shoot me an email and I will swing by and re-rate the poem. Hopefully, it will rate at least a star and 1/2 or better.
You could even post THIS very review right here as part of the written communicas betwix you and moi. You know, that way it will give your interested readers a look behind the curtain at the reviewing and revising process.
Lastly, don't forget to make your poem less confusing so I get lost at the begining again.
I liked this Confessor. It's different, original and the theme of this poem is interesting. A lot of time "love" poems like these are too self-pitying. It's about love loss, someone leaving someone else and the heartbreak that ensues. Zzzzzzzzzzz, I've read that 1000 times....
But this is different. It's almost an anti-love poem. It's sad, I feel for the narrator. She evokes this feeling from me because she's a little more self-aware of her situation, her "mistake" she is making. I think it's this self-knowledge of herself, of her unabashed desire to not be alone, despite the pain it cause her, that makes this poem a more complex.
I also love how your nom de plume compliments the title.
Passes The Time
by Fallen Confessor
....that's perfect.
Autumn, this is very lovely. I love the cadence of it, it's very soothing. And the language you use in the piece only adds to the smoothness/serenity of it.
I also liked the insights you develop here. One of my favorite parts of this poem was;
But what is a thought, a motive,
an emotion,
but an electric signal
dancing around
gray matter?
Again very lovely.
There are lots of beautiful bits like this in your poem, including the very last line. Anyway, this one of the most enjoyable poems I've read in quite some time.
I hope lots of people here on WDC treat themselves to this poem.
This had a very uplifting ending, especially considering you weren't able to be "out" when you were younger and working. I'm very glad for you that now you're able to be truly free and that you've met someone very cool.
Best of luck with your new special friend and keep on writing.
What a great piece Lesley. It is a great story, and the way you wrote this up is prefect. It has just the right pacing, and the way you decrisbe how you feel, how the dog acted and looked, it really just pulled me in and tugged at the old heart strings.
When you write about animals you are in your wheelhouse and your comfort zone, but Lesley I have to tell you, I think you're still growing as a writer. This was masterfully told, and there wasn't a misplaced word in the piece...to me anyway.
Who says you can't teach and old dog new tricks. Keep on writing.
Love the name of the dog, by the way. Clever and prefect!
Hey Winklett! I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed your story. It's great to see you making forays into the world of prose, and I look forward to reading more of it.
Also, I wanted top let you know I wasn't the only one who enjoyed your story. Jeff has it featured in this month's For Author's TBD newsletter! Go check it out and see your name in the big lights.
I'm having a lot of trouble trying to review this objectively. The imagery in this, and some of the lines, are just so hard to take and try to wrap my mind around. It is a very tough, tough poem for me to read.
I think you did a little too good of job here expressing the wanness and angst one feels when they have an autistic child in a residential school. Some of the stanzas, for me, are brutal.
"School begins, winds blow & bend. Boo attends.
There are no photographs to share. People ask us nothing."
That one was particularly hard.
But, if I step back I can see its really quite good. Take how you've used the chilly fall motifs to add to the grayness of the poem. A very nice poetic choice. Maybe a little too good.
Allison, I liked this poem. I liked it for its straight forwardness. Right from its title and right from its declarative first sentence, there is no doubt what this poem is about and, ironically, it takes a certain amount of bravery to admit being confused and afraid.
Yet the poem you've created also has a certain serpentine, mystery to it too, with its segues which connect line to line, thought to thought. It gives your poem its lyrical voice and meter.
Lastly, I liked the little pearls of wisdom you shared. My favorite -
"Count every blessing you have.
Have as many as you can count."
You know what? I'm off to see if I can do just that. Wish me luck!
And I wish you luck with your writing. Keep these delightful pieces coming!
Hi, Carly I'm coming to you through the Baker's 13?. First off, congratulations for completing every round. That is quite a feat in itself.
Couple of things I liked about this. I liked the first paragraph a lot. That round had a tough prompt and I thought it was funny that instead of trying to explain it away you just say -
"Marlene read the post again. She knew it was coming, but it still stole her breath and left her gasping and trying to make sense of this government policy. A policy that was so entrenched in their society that no one could even remember why it had been instated."
I thought that was a good move. Even the main character doesn't know why its the law.
And then you just went through and told a very straightforward story. My favorite part.
"They had both gone to Pentzic. They had both survived Pentzic."
I felt like I had a good handle on the main character by the end.
It's short though. I didn't mind it, but I bet it hurt your chances in the eyes of the judges.
Thaylon this was very cute. Lots of good humor in here. You are so funny and clever. I love that in a woman. Hmmm, I wonder are you attractive too? Well, I'm off to facebook, to google you, and to use all the other extensive tricks I know how to do being a VERY well versed "detective" of the internet.
Juuuuuuuuuust kidding. That is, of course, except for the part where I said I liked the piece.
I may do a little "appropriate stalking" and check out some other things in your port, if that's OK?
Loved this Paul. This had a nice conversational tone that I dug a lot. It really worked. And I liked the over all arc of the story. It had nice pacing as you set up this up with a description of your lonely existence that was broken by the appearance of Amanda. Very romantic with a nice delicate tone.
If it's autobiographical I have to know what happened, dog. Maybe you could write about your first call or date with Amanda. She sounds cool.
More Paul more. I want more.
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