Your experience shows in this jack, and Its nice to see you experimenting. I once I get through some contracts. I plan to write a cop and profiler story. just to break out from the usual stuff I write. I hope you continue this story it looks promising.
Trust me Jack, I am in the middle of chapter rewrites myself. Everything was wrong. The first two chapters were filled with info dumps. Then I decided to keep changing who the main players were so no one could figure out what was going on. My favorite was the failed attempt at a love triangle, (I think my mind kept pressing the "Stop that" button" It would take more time to edit than rewrite, so here I am rewriting five chapters because they didn't work in the least. The only thing I liked were the characters
I'd make the first paragraph a bit more impactful.
She saw the explosion takes all tension out of the hook. A loud boom shattered the fragile tranquility of the roof. Clouds of smoke hovered in the distance and plumes of flame flickered ominously below the the thick grey veil
Okay dude, this is a mess. Not your story, but your mechanics.
Erotica is meant to evoke emotion. Your too busy telling me everything.
Second dialogue is a new paragraph every time. I can't tell who's talking or what is going on because it looks like a ball of words.
I don't mean to be harsh, but i've been where you are now, and everyone else reading it will tell you the same.
The first line needs work. Take out heard the rain and replace it with. The pitter patter of droplets splashed against the window. Detective Morgan's body eased a little further in the comfortable chair and let out a relaxed sigh... Or something like that
THis is a bit of mess, rough draft or no, its jarring to read.
Separate the lines
Like this to make it easier to read
or
Use indents to show the start of new paragraph.
As this is written in first person the word I is unavoidable. Your job is make the reader feel like the main character.
I looked back at the bar
Could easily become
The back of the bar was filled with frowns and fists smacking open palms all because of a stupid bet, one that cost me a great deal I might add.
Don't forget your job is to have your character connect with your audience as fast as possible.
Listen dude why don't you do an interview with your main character, get to know him think of how he would respond to your questions it helps clarify your characters attitude and quirks.
What is your deal with telekinectically? Her mind touched the light switch with reluctance and turned it on. Her eyes filled with fury at the sight of Carl. The closest thing to pussy he's gotten is the neighbours cat. Clearly he wants teo to join the club
Sorry had to have some fun with it. No its fine not too descriptive. Its awkward because annette knows the moment can pass at any instant. Its tasteful and looks good except for that one part
Do something cooler with the Harry Potter thing. Write about a team of hard ass Wizards who joined the SAS and have to infiltrate Hogwarts to save a diplomats son, or have them breaking down a Muggle gang working with the remnants of the Death Eaters, who enchant objects for criminals, like enchanted cop detectors shield clothing. stuff like that. It would blow up like crazy. Most of all you could get a sniper in there. Name one wizard who can predict a bullet coming from a mile off.
While its great that you did an alright job your first time out, I would make the following suggestions.
1. don't bother describing the main character. Do it through his interactions with the world.
2. Let people get to know the main character through the story
3. Try not to date your story.
Not to criticize, but wheres the rest of it. I could get into it if there was more. Unless you're writing Flash fiction in which case disregard the last two statements.
You know Silverbolt is missing the people reactions to him. I really like how you handled Annettes appearance in the main area. It gives her the elevated status without over hyping her.
Normally I don't comment on the technical side of things because I struggle with it too. There are some spelling errors. I won't comment on sentence structure.
Now onto the things that are style choices and up to you to change if you feel it will help.
1. Use thought text for the reader to clarify why she's so worried about losing her mind again. Oh God this like the church incident, where an angel visited me and all it got me was a 72 hour lockdown.
2.have the peanut singing the same song it was before. Really play it up, I love taking something small and turning it into a real menace.
3. I would have twisted the ending and have the peanut appear in the familiar book she reads. But that also creates more story options.
Just remember a review is a subjective thing. If you think it will help by all means us my advice if not that's fine too
I got some good ideas as to how to explain how Silverbolt got his powers. I like the mechanics of how they work simple and easy to understand. You make three big bags the amarock the artic version of hellhounds, or the waheela, both excellent inuit legends. You could make the amarock a humanoid type. Where as the waheela are not bear like. Black shuck is another good legend to play with. If you do the research the myth has some basis in truth they found a skeleton outside the Abby where it attacked. The gulon from Russia is a great myth to work with
It's great dude. I can't help but think your playing it safe though. Spread your wings and red line it on story play with all the toys at your disposal, see what comes it. It wasn't until I stepped outside my comfort zone that I realized I wanted to meet all my characters realized or not. It should be your goal too.
Anyway should you get bored check out some Silverbolt Rathmore in my port. It may not bnipmto snuff like yours but it's fun I promise
Okay there is tons of improvement. Now your job is to read each sentence and figure out what can be cut from them. I noticed a couple of "that" capable of being cut. Look up power verbs from Jerry jenkins to help punch it. The list includes verbs to avoid and gives examples as well
On a side note.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #2235040 by Not Available.
I could read more of this, it keeps the story on point. Malcolm is interesting, your main character is interesting. I appreciate the fact you didn't ruin everything by standing on soapbox going over every last detail. I don't mind hard description, but less is more, you already know that
It has potential. I would have had the dog wear the jack o lantern, and have it get caught in a sheet. Make the dog well known, and have it visit the old folks home and such. Could be tons of fun
Thank for enetering this in the contest. I was beginning to think people missed the point of it. You bring the murder and mayhem in a tense blend that works. Once again thank god for your entry
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jolanh
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.38 seconds at 7:26pm on Oct 24, 2021 via server WEB2.
Awards
Badges
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Auto-Reward Items
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
