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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jolanh
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233 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Desire  
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What is your deal with telekinectically? Her mind touched the light switch with reluctance and turned it on. Her eyes filled with fury at the sight of Carl. The closest thing to pussy he's gotten is the neighbours cat. Clearly he wants teo to join the club

Sorry had to have some fun with it. No its fine not too descriptive. Its awkward because annette knows the moment can pass at any instant. Its tasteful and looks good except for that one part
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Review of F.R.O.G Blog  
for entry "Power of Prayer
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't pray for people. But I am for you I hope you both land on your feet after all of this
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Review of Shorthand typist  
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (5.0)
You need to tie the writings to modern day, be it treasure or horrible secrets that could topple free world...or nuclear warheads. You could work the aliens among us now thing...you can do so much with it
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Review of Story ideas  
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Do something cooler with the Harry Potter thing. Write about a team of hard ass Wizards who joined the SAS and have to infiltrate Hogwarts to save a diplomats son, or have them breaking down a Muggle gang working with the remnants of the Death Eaters, who enchant objects for criminals, like enchanted cop detectors shield clothing. stuff like that. It would blow up like crazy. Most of all you could get a sniper in there. Name one wizard who can predict a bullet coming from a mile off.
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (3.0)
While its great that you did an alright job your first time out, I would make the following suggestions.
1. don't bother describing the main character. Do it through his interactions with the world.
2. Let people get to know the main character through the story
3. Try not to date your story.

you have some talent it just needs to be refined.

 Silverbolt and the Mask of Faun  (E)
Its hard being a hero in the modern age, even harder on a world you don't know.
#2241705 by Jolan MC's Odd music awards
if you have time check that out.
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Review of Everyday  
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (5.0)
Yay a happy song
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very sexy
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for entry "Meet Olivia Berns
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Not to criticize, but wheres the rest of it. I could get into it if there was more. Unless you're writing Flash fiction in which case disregard the last two statements.
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (5.0)
There is another legend about Y's. It involves a murderous princess and a magic mask. Really cool story
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Review of Rise of Refuge  
for entry "Chapter 2 - Time
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
You know Silverbolt is missing the people reactions to him. I really like how you handled Annettes appearance in the main area. It gives her the elevated status without over hyping her.

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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like this poem. You home in on how it feels to be in the dating game. You would be surprised to know some guys feel the same way.
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (3.5)
Normally I don't comment on the technical side of things because I struggle with it too. There are some spelling errors. I won't comment on sentence structure.

Now onto the things that are style choices and up to you to change if you feel it will help.

1. Use thought text for the reader to clarify why she's so worried about losing her mind again. Oh God this like the church incident, where an angel visited me and all it got me was a 72 hour lockdown.

2.have the peanut singing the same song it was before. Really play it up, I love taking something small and turning it into a real menace.

3. I would have twisted the ending and have the peanut appear in the familiar book she reads. But that also creates more story options.

Just remember a review is a subjective thing. If you think it will help by all means us my advice if not that's fine too
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (5.0)
I got some good ideas as to how to explain how Silverbolt got his powers. I like the mechanics of how they work simple and easy to understand. You make three big bags the amarock the artic version of hellhounds, or the waheela, both excellent inuit legends. You could make the amarock a humanoid type. Where as the waheela are not bear like. Black shuck is another good legend to play with. If you do the research the myth has some basis in truth they found a skeleton outside the Abby where it attacked. The gulon from Russia is a great myth to work with
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Review of The Farm  
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
It's great dude. I can't help but think your playing it safe though. Spread your wings and red line it on story play with all the toys at your disposal, see what comes it. It wasn't until I stepped outside my comfort zone that I realized I wanted to meet all my characters realized or not. It should be your goal too.

Anyway should you get bored check out some Silverbolt Rathmore in my port. It may not bnipmto snuff like yours but it's fun I promise
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Okay there is tons of improvement. Now your job is to read each sentence and figure out what can be cut from them. I noticed a couple of "that" capable of being cut. Look up power verbs from Jerry jenkins to help punch it. The list includes verbs to avoid and gives examples as well

On a side note.
 Silverbolt and Constance meet  (E)
The title leaves nothing to the imagination
#2235040 by Jolan MC's Odd music awards
does this come off as Romantic?
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Review of Riding the Blimp  
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Your doing the best you can Jack nobody expects anything less or more.
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I could read more of this, it keeps the story on point. Malcolm is interesting, your main character is interesting. I appreciate the fact you didn't ruin everything by standing on soapbox going over every last detail. I don't mind hard description, but less is more, you already know that
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (4.5)
It has potential. I would have had the dog wear the jack o lantern, and have it get caught in a sheet. Make the dog well known, and have it visit the old folks home and such. Could be tons of fun
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Review of The Game  
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thank for enetering this in the contest. I was beginning to think people missed the point of it. You bring the murder and mayhem in a tense blend that works. Once again thank god for your entry
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You have right idea...I just think you could present them a little more clearly.
Bear in mind I offer style choices. You don't suck at writing.

Your beginning for instance. It's a good thought.

But try this one.

Desire. An enternal itch on the human soul. How they long for things they can't have. If only the delusion ended there. Once they acquired the object du jour, it either loses all significance and is forgotten, or they kill and maim just hang onto it for a few more precious seconds...

Anyway stuff like that brings in the character more. You get a sense of detachment. Anyway that's all for now
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (4.0)
That being said, criticism allows us to see the uncomfortable truths about ourselves, we may not exist or avoid because we are uncomfortable. Yet discomfort promotes growth
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Review of The Setup  
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
What I offer here is some basic advice and some style choices and by no means I think you have no talent.

A couple things

Separate "your dialogue"

"Like this" for ease of reading.

I understand you dig hard description. But a little less couldn't hurt. I adhere to one or two unique traits per character at first meet.

Third try to pull your character through the sceñe. Build the world through their eyes bit by bit.

For example your explanation of the neighborhood. I cared until you explained where the poor and middle class lived. That's something I wanted to experience with the character if that makes sense.

Anyway if you don't agree with me that's fine. I am not a pro and still working the craft like you.
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Review of The Indian  
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Disclaimer: my phone accents some letters in Spanish. So let's just assume I am doing a bad fiery spanish voice as you read this.
What is it about your cop stories that I like? Is it the fact the police act like police? I love the inner thoughts of the main when he's going through the sceñe trying to get in the head of the criminal. I love indians character too. Nicely done.

My only complaint is the "oh, Indian. You don't calm down...I feel "if you don't calm down, or "calm down or..." Would be better. Only because it jarred me a pulled me out for half a second. Other than that it's rock solid and a good read.
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for entry "One Fabulous Fantasy
Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thats cool. I am working on a fantasy story for the contest too
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Review by Jolan MC's ...
Rated: E | (3.0)
I really like the struggle. I dig the romance. Some dialogue and some scenes showing the main character wrangling kids. And being talked down to, and the epic first meet between her and chrys would make this so much better
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