Okay you have a great story premise. You chose a solid starting point. However you make the most important parts of the story ineffective by telling and not showing. I want to know how chaotic it was in that bus when it tipped over. How did the crash make character feel? Did the other inmates scream in fear?Did the windows break?...a reader wants these questions answered add some eye popping visuals to the story and this piece will shine
There are no stakes in this story. It feels more like an opinion about maths importance. But I question what stood In way of completing his goal. The problem is clearly defined, but there is no conflict or character development. Which is what readers are after
Okay you have a good idea but you're telling the audience everything.
Finally Alina woke up
Alina's eyes shot open.the name "Damon" shot from her mouth in the darkness. She pressed a hand against her sweaty forehead.
Is more effective and shows how intense the dream was. you have talent you just need to round out your game
In your first paragraph. Kent advocated the pursuit of knowledge and approved of Laresn buried up to her nose in the ancient tome. or something like that. the word book appears too many times. Your dialogue is solid but you might want to include some actions and a couple of tags to spice it up a little. other than that it's a solid effort.
And because I'm shameless check out scald crow or some other nonsense in my port
You lose me at the beginning for two reasons.
1. Why can't the character sleep? Is it because she gets odd hunger cravings? Does she have dreams? what is keeping her up.
2. While I appreciate the volleyball thing, you probably don't need it in the first chapter.
3. Maybe a stronger start would be making her ultra-competitive and her picking apart the mistakes she made that led to her tearing the ACL if this was my sport and I couldn't do it anymore that would keep me up at night.
If had just done X Y Z this never would've happened, or if susie had stayed in her position
Okay I am going to give you some dialogue advice. If you wouldn't say it, don't write it. This dialogue is a series of things no sane person would say. If that sounds harsh, I'm sorry. I can't buy the romance, and maybe it's my preference getting in the way. I tend to like deep emotion, we only see whats on the surface. The scene needs more to be effective, and crisper dialogue
No offense but the story is hard to follow and some parts seem to be missing, Have you considered putting it all in one document. I have never reviewed an interactive so this might be a bit choppy. Number one add more to the characters you introduced. For instance, the Server looked extremely frazzled, could be, A barmaid with matted hair and sullen posture approached, "What can I get you?" Her less than enthusiastic tone did not inspire confidence in the occupants of the table. Remember we want the reader to feel the waitresses tiredness.
I'd make the first paragraph a bit more impactful.
She saw the explosion takes all tension out of the hook. A loud boom shattered the fragile tranquility of the roof. Clouds of smoke hovered in the distance and plumes of flame flickered ominously below the the thick grey veil
The first line needs work. Take out heard the rain and replace it with. The pitter patter of droplets splashed against the window. Detective Morgan's body eased a little further in the comfortable chair and let out a relaxed sigh... Or something like that
THis is a bit of mess, rough draft or no, its jarring to read.
Separate the lines
Like this to make it easier to read
Use indents to show the start of new paragraph.
As this is written in first person the word I is unavoidable. Your job is make the reader feel like the main character.
I looked back at the bar
Could easily become
The back of the bar was filled with frowns and fists smacking open palms all because of a stupid bet, one that cost me a great deal I might add.
Don't forget your job is to have your character connect with your audience as fast as possible.
Okay you are new so here is few things
"Dialogue should be a new paragraph"
"For each new speaker" it's easier to read
Don't tell me how rich she is. Show me.
Make smaller paragraphs and only give the reader what they need to know.
What is your deal with telekinectically? Her mind touched the light switch with reluctance and turned it on. Her eyes filled with fury at the sight of Carl. The closest thing to pussy he's gotten is the neighbours cat. Clearly he wants teo to join the club
Sorry had to have some fun with it. No its fine not too descriptive. Its awkward because annette knows the moment can pass at any instant. Its tasteful and looks good except for that one part
While its great that you did an alright job your first time out, I would make the following suggestions.
1. don't bother describing the main character. Do it through his interactions with the world.
2. Let people get to know the main character through the story
3. Try not to date your story.
you have some talent it just needs to be refined.
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