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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jolanh
Review Requests: ON
156 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of Hand to Mouth  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
Here I think you need more tension on the beginning and only because it starts in a chase.

I would skip the exposition in the beginning and go through her trying to shake the cop. Why? Because the reader will have no choice but to follow the action as to why she stole it. You could even let the reasons out as swerves to avoid cats, and dodges pedestrians
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2
Review of The Last Joe  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Your beginning is good, but I would have went with.

I awoke to smell of urine in my nostrils. It came from the rags I gathered the night before. My life has become a series of decisions based on needs and wants. For instance I wanted to sleep on something devoid of rancid piss and other unidentified smells, but I needed to sleep on something. My needs won that round.

I resented my situation. I had a lovely home in the suburbs, wife and kids. Then the blight came, and decimated coffee crops. It was juggernaut, and refused to give up the relentless siege on the black brew.
Sorry if that's stepping on your toes. I just thought it invoked character empathy better
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3
Review of Surviving Mud  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
If you ever need help creatively I have tons of ideas
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4
Review of Eat Your Way Out  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Its good but your villains entrance needs a better description. He's regal a bit of a self important ass. I'd have said.

Despite his dull appearance, Bond's mind compared him to Prince John. A pompous windbag filled with delusions of grandeur. A man who used his station to keep people under his thumbs. Bond then amended without people like him he wouldn't have a job.

I know it might not be your style, but it sets the villains arrogant tone. Second bond is a trained agent pawn soldiers or not he is going to assess their skill level by the way they move.

It may not be your style and this is subjective.
5
5
Review of Bedtime  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You have great raw material but a couple of things need to be addressed. Who are the children and what is the curse? How do the spirit animals work? Second be clever with magic don't be afraid to name names. How did you get them here?
I tweaked a scrying spell to home in on their unique aura. Then I changed the wording of troyers trapdoor, to open at their location. There were some accidents but the children should mellow out with a fresh change of clothes. It looks cool and sounds catchy, and is something an intellectual would do.


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Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
The concept is fresh. I love it. However, you could have made the consequences of failure more severe.
Like getting moused, if they won't stalk their way to glory then they'll scurry into oblivion. At the end of the night the cats who were turned into nice are hunted by the others ...okay so I rambled there.

Back to the matter at hand. It fresh solid, and informs a long held superstition. Its not boring either. So ill give it a 20.
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7
Review of Riding the Blimp  
for entry "Anchor Baby
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Then I guess my goal is to get one of those fancy Ribbons from you.
8
8
Review of Everyday Eric  
for entry "Writing With Music
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I get some of the oddest inspiration from 80's music. I wrote some of silverbolt to Phil collins. I have no idea why it helps. I should try some Rod Stewart and see what happens.
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9
Review of Solatian Stones  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
Here is my thing your beginning could easily be part of chapter one. It works with the daydream bit.my second deal is the presentation

"Put a space between paragraphs and dialogue."

It helps clarify who is talking and gives the mind a one second clear to absorb new information.

Because I am shameless check out Silverbolt shine for some adventure, or check out a terrible story for some laughs.
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10
Review of "Thank You RAOK"  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
No prob dude donate these to roak
11
11
Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think this is well written. The humor comes off a little flat, or maybe it's just not my style. Your characters are believable. I think the bit with the phone booth would have come off better with them looking for one, and then trying to figure out how it works. The bit with the test of the solar system, I would have went with, "I wanted to do well but the kid next to me kept giggling and repeating the word Uranus."

Anyways, this is just my opinion. I am not an expert or a pro when it comes to grammar.
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12
Review of Riding the Blimp  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Good to see back in the saddle Jack.
13
13
Review of Riding the Blimp  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You should've seen the hot garbage Silverbolt vs Thunderhorn was. I rewrote the damn thing and it ended up being stellar. My muse checked out because the shiny bastard is picking up steam and put too much pressure on myself
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14
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Go for it girl
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15
Review of Riding the Blimp  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Glad to here it dude if you have time give a terrible anime a gander. Oddest thing to get over with people since puppies in a tutu ki
16
16
Review of Rise of Refuge  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
Okay girl here is my thing telekinetics are a pain to write. It's like trying to find something that rhymes with orange. Forget the telekinetically description it's awkward and clunky. Try another word,make one up. Like the epigone thing. Telekinetics could be mind resonance...or something. If you insist on using telekinetics, keep the word to minimum and use sensory to describe it being used. have people call them brain busters, or something like that.

Second what does it feel like? Does it start with a dull throb, or pinprick on the mind. Have objects start tobs shake when she's mad
17
17
Review of Raven Speak  
for entry "The King
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I love your poetry, you have a way of making a message clear without puffing your pieces out trying to be profound. Here you present how lonely it is at the top, through one of the lonliest spots to exist kingship. I don't review poetry often but I am happy to read yours
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Review of My 2 Lives  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
I don't know how many reviews you had but I can say it's off To a good start. However, you may want to include more sensory things. Did the alley smell was the aunt a weird relative, or was she near and dear to heart of the main character, little details like that enhance the reading experience.

Now for my shameless Silverbolt plug stop by and have same crazy adventures with that shiny bastard Silverbolt
19
19
Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay girl while it's a great account of events. Maybe tell the story through the eyes of one of the characters. I'd use a tight third person for a story like this. Focus on the characters sensations and remove yourself from the scene and let the characters do all the work
20
20
Review of Writer  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
First off have fun with it. Forget about the end goal. There are plenty of steps in between you are running a marathon, if you miss a day or two no one will die. Second come up with a strategy for writers block, third pick up Rob Peck's fiction is folks you can get it free in PDF format, I promise you it's worth it. And goals motivation conflict you can get it free in PDF format as well. They helped me a lot

Now because I write terrible stories on purpose and know no shame. Check out the adventures of Silverbolt in my port
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Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (2.5)
Ummm...here is the deal... forget the lyrics. I think you should try capturing the emotions behind the song into a story

Because I am shameless I invite you to check out the adventures of Silverbolt in my portfolio
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Review of Grammar School  
Review by Jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
I would also like to tighten up my dialogue
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23
Review of Raven Speak  
for entry "On Guard Duty
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I love this a gardener defending his turf from insect invaders....I should do an insect villain for my story.
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Review of Raven Speak  
for entry "Pot Luck
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
....I was expecting something different...lol silly me
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Review of Riding the Blimp  
for entry "Disciplined Plotting
Review by Jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Once again your advice rings true. My process now involves test chapters on ideas, and looking through the first draft for the ideas that worked and those that didn't. Then I look at the plot and go okay this line is garbage, how can I subvert the readers expectations, or take a trope and make it look fresh. You and your blog have helped me immensely
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