*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joycampbell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/20
Review Requests: OFF
2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 16 17 18 19 -20- ... Next
476
476
Review of Baby Boys  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya! This piece was a good read. The twist on the end was a nice touch. I enjoyed the topic of this story, as I have often wondered about this type of thing before. I think you did a good job packing the emotions of the mother into this piece without unnecessary details. I only noticed one spot that didn't flow that well for me, it is as follows.

- But Gabe looked at Margaret hard and sadly.
***I think this statement is a touch too simple and would have a better impact if you embellished on it a bit.

Remember, this is only my opinion, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
477
477
Review of Compu-speak  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, this was an enjoyable story. I always wondered what went on behind the scenes! I had fun with the different attitudes and accents of the electronics, it was very entertaining. I found the writing flowed well, and the use of the prompt words was creative. Also, the use of italics for the electronics made the change between them and the human easy to follow. I noticed a couple things as I read through, I have noted them below.

- A delicate British voice chimes back “Just....
***Missed the punctuation before the start of dialogue.

- There was a bit of going back and forth between the spelling of Peuter, in some places it was Pewter.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
478
478
Review of Darksome  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I really enjoyed this! The writing flows well, carrying the reader on. The story line is intriguing, and I found myself disappointed when it trailed off. *Smile* So often, fantasy and science fiction authors are too ambiguous regarding talismans and items of that nature. I found that in this case there were enough clues and details to eliminate confusion. For me, at least! I also wanted to say that I liked the names of the characters, different but not hard. I noticed a few spots for which I have suggestions, they are as follows.

- The first thing I want to mention is that you use the word 'small' to refer to the medallion three times within the first few paragraphs. Perhaps to reduce the risk of being repetitious you could use another word that means the same for one of them.

- A conceited bunch, Melbus thought.
***I think you could increase the impact of this thought with a word to describe the nature of the thought. For example, bitter, sarcastic, etc.

Remember, these are only my opinions so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

I look forward to reading more!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
479
479
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, again!

This story was a well written romantic tragedy. I can definitely see how two older people would want to stay and die where they lived their lives together. The dialogue between the characters was believable, though I think some extra description of their reactions to each others words would be nice. Your writing flows well, and carried me through the story with ease. There was only one spot where I stumbled over the wording just slightly. It is as follows.

You wrote:

Jack looked at Coraline, deep into her eyes. “You are sure that you want to stay here? You wouldn’t rather see this new place, this X-7?”

My suggestions:

Jack looked deeply into Coraline's eyes. "Are you sure you want to stay here? Wouldn't you rather see this new place, this X-7?"

Also, when Coraline replies she says 'Yes, Jack'. At first I was confused at her response because the second question was the one fresh in my mind. You could perhaps have her say 'I'm sure, Jack.' in order to insure understanding. Remember, this is only my opinion so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
480
480
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I very seldom write poems, but I love to read them. I found this piece to be very well written. I enjoy this type of poem, it is a touch ambiguous and allows the reader to experience it on a personal level according to their own lives. The rhythm flows well, even when read out loud, and the rhyming is flawless. The only thing I wonder about is your use of ellipses throughout. All in all, an enjoyable read!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
481
481
Review of An Autumn Moon  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! This piece was very enjoyable and left me with a feeling of calm and happiness for the characters. The writing flows smoothly, pulling the reader through the story with ease. Also, the type of speech used in the first part was done very well, which can be a huge challenge when dealing with thee's and thou's. Very well done.

I found only one spot with a typo, otherwise I didn't notice any errors, or anything that I would change. *Smile*

He felt as if the hung a few feet above the ground.
***Small typo here, I think the should be they.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
482
482
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya Zoe! I enjoyed these two chapters. Each chapter ended with a nice hook, and since that's part of what keeps the reader going, it is a very important part when working on a novel. Well done. I noticed a few things that I have commented on below, typo's and the like, but I also wanted to comment on the punctuation slightly. There were a few times when you ended a dialogue sentence with no punctuation other than the quotation marks, so I would suggest to go through and correct those.

- My harsh breathes.....
**Spelling error, should be 'breaths'.

- I didn’t know how long.....
**At first I thought this should be 'don't' rather than 'didn't' but as I went over it again, it made sense. The only reason I comment on this is because it may confuse your reader the same way it did me. My suggestion is to reword it slightly to reduce the chance of this happening.

- I soon after fell my knees...
**Easy fix on this one, just need the word 'to' between fell and my.

- If I knew in my life of what would come with my age, I’d have stayed a slave forever.
**Not sure on this one, but it left me feeling a touch confused.

- Chocking back tears,.....
***Spelling error, should be 'choking'.

- That night, though, as I thought and wept on the fact that I had become nothing and would never be, my life changed. Because this man didn’t turn his nose up on me, or ask anymore questions.
***I am sorry for posting such a large section but I wanted to bring it to your attention. The content is great but the wording is a bit off. My suggestion:

That night, though, as I thought and wept on the fact that my life was meaningless and would never be worth anything, my life changed. It was because this man didn't turn his nose up at me, and he didn't ask any more questions.
****Remember, this is only my opinion, so feel free to disagree *Smile*

All in all, I think you have a great idea going here and I look forward to reading more!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
AJ Lyle
483
483
Review of Fox Paw  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya. On the whole, this was a very well written piece. The emotions of the child were easy to identify and interpret, as well as experience. After reading it I am still left with a feeling of despair for all the hardship that the child would inevitably experience and at the same time respect for the decision. Again, very well done. I found only two things to comment on and they are fairly simple things.

You wrote:

My eyes had turned rocks in my skull that my eyelids dragged themselves over time and time again as my throat became a desert canyon.
***You need a 'to' before the word 'rocks'.

You wrote:

So she ground her teeth and even through the divorce hearing when he slapped on the mask appearing to be Mr. Wonderful, she kept her composure.
***I think this sentence would benefit from the use of another comma after the word 'and'. For example:
So she ground her teeth and, even through the divorce hearing when he slapped on the mask appearing to be Mr. Wonderful, she kept her composure.

Remember these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

AJ
484
484
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya. I really enjoyed reading this. The characters are wonderful; full of life and realistic reactions. Ayn's personality lightens the mood and balances well with Fleet's darker personality. He's caring and mischievous, yet deadly. Very nice. Your descriptions created a clear picture in my mind of their surroundings and the skirmish. I normally have to re read battle scenes in order to understand the situation fully, but with this one it was clear to me.
I found a few spots that I thought I would point out to you.

- For a moment, she lay still, huddled form practically reeking resentment, then......
***I think you need to add a 'her' directly before huddled.

- In look, besides her obviously foreign lineage,......
***The word 'look' seems out of place in this sentence. Perhaps try 'appearance'.

- “'s wet. Why's it always wet 'ere?” she muttered, tugging the collar of the slicker up farther as she stepped out into the rain,....
***I'm thinking the beginning 's' is a typo and is the ending of a word.

- She and Ayn had constructed the shelter with camouflage, before even their 'penniless wanderer' seeming, as priority.
****I had to re read this sentence to be sure that I understood what you were saying. I wonder if it could be clarified a little. My suggestion:

She and Ayn had constructed the shelter with camouflage, making it their priority even before maintaining their disguise.

- But if she moved and one of them caught the movement out of the corner of their eye, it might spark curiosity that might otherwise never arise.
*****The double use of the word 'might' feels repetitive. Perhaps use 'could' in place of the first one.

- That was a secret she kept almost as close as her ability to call flame and set it to her will, undeniable proof of her breeding and ace card up her sleeve.
****I think this needs to be reworked just slightly. The way the ending part is phrased it seems like undeniable proof of both things. Maybe if you add a 'the' before the word 'ace', it would separate it a bit.

- She couldn't remember ever actually deciding to accompany him.), wavering......
***I don't think you need a period before the end bracket.

- There wasn't enough traffic down it anymore to warrant a strong presence of banditry, and to attack a armed force consisting....
****Just need the word 'an' in place of the 'a' before 'armed'.

- Ayn drawled, his tone that acidic flat thing that showed how much he was actually angry at this turn of events.
****I stumbled over the wording in this sentence. Wondering if maybe something like this would work:

- Ayn drawled, his tone the acidic flat thing that showed just how angry he was with this turn of events.

I look forward to reading more of this one. *Smile*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
484 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 20 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joycampbell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/20