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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review of A Jealous Mind  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!

I enjoyed reading this poem. I think you did a nice job at capturing the essential drawbacks of jealousy in a relationship, and I found your wording to be very smooth. I especially liked the following lines,

Jealously has a talent for clouding judgement
And creating illusions that ignite resentment

***Oh, I just noticed that 'Jealousy' has a typo in that section. *Smile*

I read this aloud and found the rhythm to be consistent, and the rhyme scheme to be strong.

I noticed one more typo. It is as follows.

- A jealous mind is easy too keep
*** The word 'too' should be 'to'.

All in all, an enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun



427
427
Review of Upheaval  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I have to say, you have done a really great job with this. The emotions and thoughts of Dianne are very realistic for the emotional state that she is in. I found the last scene more powerful with the additional information, which I think gives the reader a chance to get to know her and what she has been through. Very nice.

In regards to the spacing around the thoughts, I believe that you have done a good job in that regard. I only found one spot I would change in that respect. It is as follows.

- She never felt like getting out of bed. She never could think of a single reason to rise and start another day. They were all the same. Miserable. She tried her best, even set her alarm for 8 A.M. every morning. It would go off in a sudden blare, jolting her from some disturbed, and disturbing, dream, and she would think to herself,

'Yeah, I probably should get up now, maybe get dressed, wash the dishes or something.'

*** The thought in this instance could be directly after 'dream, and she would think to herself,' rather that on its own line.

- ...just as it seemed her Mom ad Dad had.
*** Basic typo on the word 'and'.

I think the single quotation mark around the thoughts was an effective way to distinguish them from potential dialogue, and allows the reader to understand a thought is coming before they get to it.

All in all, I really liked the changes you made to this piece. An enjoyable read. *Smile*
Happy Writing!!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun





428
428
Review of I Fly Now  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya.

I really enjoyed this poem, short and oh so sweet! The rhythm was really good, even when read aloud, and the content was well expressed. A topic such as this can mean so many things to so many different types of people, and that is one quality I love in a poem.

I have no suggestions for improvement on this one, very well done!

Happy Writing!!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


429
429
Review of Paper World.  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. This was an interesting and thought provoking piece. Short and to the point. The flow was fairly good while I read, and I enjoyed your choices of wording. The only part that didn't flow so well for me, I have listed below.

-Turning to sky he put an empty smile.
*** The word 'put' seems out of place to me. I would consider rewording this sentence.

All in all, an enjoyable read.

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
430
430
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya! I remember reviewing this one, and I see that you have made some changes. I have re-rated this piece according to the edits.

The flow is good and there were no repitions to detract from the cadence when it is read aloud. I enjoyed this poem and really liked the way you personified the trees. *Smile*

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


431
431
Review of Reflections.  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya. Happy WDC Birthday!

This piece was very well written. The words flow with a beautiful cadence, even when read aloud. The topic is well presented and developed, moving from new love to the pain of rejection, and was written using such descriptive words to create the emotions within the reader. Very nicely done.

I noticed a couple of things, which I have listed below.


- Longing for you to have been by my side whispering again to me the words you had to me before I left.
*** The last part of this sentence 'whispering again to me the words you had to me before I left' doesn't quite make sense. I think rephrasing this would help with the flow, as well as the meaning.

- But unconditional love, is a rarity that lacks a sting.
*** I don't think you need a comma in this sentence.

- Love so often many other things.
*** Adding the word 'is' after 'love' would increase the flow of this sentence.

All in all, an enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
432
432
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya. Happy WDC Birthday!

This is a cute idea for a children's book. I think the idea and the course of events are strong and would make for an interesting, action packed adventure for kids. My main suggestion would be to flesh this piece out a bit. Include some dialogue and the situations as they are happening, rather than in complete past tense. Perhaps as an older person telling a story, or just from Imbaa's point of view. I believe there is real potential here for a children's story.

I spotted a few grammatical errors, typo's etc. They are as follows.

- The people their always thanked Mother Nature
*** The word 'their' should be 'there'.

- Everybody lived in a simple life.
*** I think the word 'in' could be taken out of this sentence to improve flow and meaning.

- He never cared for others except for the rise of his kingdom.
*** I don't think this sentence makes sense. Instead of using 'except for' using something like the following example,
~~ He didn't care for others, the only thing he cared about was the rise of his kingdom.

- He is also very ambitious.
*** Using 'is' in this sentence takes the tense from past to present.

-...visited the little farm village and droved the villagers away.
*** Should be 'drove' not 'droved'.

- ...seashore was protected by the magical tree.
*** This sentence refers to the villagers, and so 'was' should be 'were'.

I look forward to reading a revised version of this story. Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
433
433
Review of Sister  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Birthday!

I really enjoyed reading this poem. The emotion expressed in this piece is wonderful. It shows how the loss of someone so close to you can feel. I didn't get the feeling that this was about a death but a split between sisters, for reasons that were lost to the past, or not important enough to remember. The flow is nice, and consistent.

I have a suggestion, it is as follows.

- And when I realize the error,
again, I sink into my anger.
*** I think you could eliminate the word 'my' in the last sentence, it is obvious who the emotion belongs to and I believe it would improve the verbal flow.

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun



434
434
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. The narrative voice is strong and consistent, hinting at Brina's character, and the sentences are well structured and flow smoothly. The background of Brina was revealed strategically and I found it was enough info without being too much and becoming boring. I really liked how the tone changed, transitioning from reflective to suspenseful so quickly, yet smoothly. Very well done.

I have a couple of suggestions, they are as follows.

- ...and now she was faced with a good walking distance made uncomfortable by having to try to protect the books she now carried beneath her coat.
*** You have used the word 'now' twice in this sentence and it feels slightly repetitive to me. I think you could eliminate the second one without hurting the integrity of the sentence.

- There was always a sense of peace and a hint of mystery probably owing to the cemetery halfway down the road.
*** I stumbled here slightly, but I think adding a comma between 'mystery' and 'probably' would correct that by smoothing the flow between ideas.

An enjoyable read! Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
435
435
Review of Amber's Gift  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya. I am reviewing this piece because I found it on the Review Request Page.

I have to admit, this is one of the most emotional pieces I have read in a very long time. Your writing is fluid and full of emotion, and I found myself pulled into the story as though I was there watching it unfold. The descriptions were wonderful, and the narrative voice was compelling and heart felt. I hate to admit it, but I cried as I read this. The amount of feeling in this piece made it impossible not to be captured and feel what the narrator felt. This piece is also inspirational; in the face of witnessing loss, a life lesson is learned. Also, I have to comment on the detail of the girls barrets. Adding that really forced the mother in me to out to the surface to witness the events of this story, which of course, intensified the emotions.

The beginning paragraph was wonderful. It set the scene for the upcoming tragedy without being blatant. Very nicely done.

Due to the fact that you stated a desire to publish this piece, I went over it very carefully for punctuation, etc. I found only one spot for which I have suggestions. It is as follows. I have tried to be very detailed, so if it is confusing, I apologize.

- It had been an uneventful Friday, as I cruised home from work that day, singing along to Ben Folds Five at the top of my lungs, and smiling at the thought of the weekend to come.
**** I stumbled on the structure of this sentence. My first comment is on 'that day'. I believe it is not needed and just restates the beginning of the sentence. Next, because you used 'as I cruised' there should be an action associated with it. Using 'singing' and 'smiling' gives the impression that they are in addition to something else. I have two suggestions for this. First you could rephrase the second half of the sentence to fit with the 'as I cruised'. For example,
~~It had been an uneventful Friday, and as I cruised home from work, singing along to Ben Folds Five at the top of my lungs, I smiled at the thought of the weekend to come. OR
~~It had been an uneventful Friday, and I cruised home from work singing along to Ben Folds Five at the top of my lungs. I smiled at the thought of the coming weekend. ****Personally, I like the first one better. *Smile*

Happy Writing! Good luck with having this piece published!!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
436
436
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya. I very much enjoyed reading this. The sentence structure is smooth and I found myself drawn into the story easily. I could sense the characters attitude and personality through the narrative. I especially liked that, I enjoy feeling like I'm in the characters head. The ending hook was very nicely done as well, it definitely made me want to turn the page!
I have a couple of suggestions, they are as follows.

- For that was their only real instinct as a species was to survive.
*** The word 'was' was used twice in this sentence. Only one or the other is needed.

- A thought and story that someone dreamt up a long time ago that had died and gave rise to the extreme fundamentalism that had seemed to engulf the world.
*** I think 'given rise to' rather than 'gave rise to' would give this sentence a smoother flow.

All in all, an intriguing beginning. Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
437
437
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. Wow, I really loved this poem. The emotions within the words were palpable as I read, and when I read this one aloud, it unfolded with a bitter-sweet tone of joyful despair. Just wonderful! The flow is smooth and easy to read and interpret. The content is heartfelt and written in a way that the reader can relate to it.

My favorite part :

we are woven together, in life's unfolding tapestry,
woven closely, with familiar threads; our parents,
our children, and those who are our family
without blood, those who we have traveled with forever;
*** This part jumped out and grabbed me. I could feel such intensity while I read this, and the meaning couldn't have been clearer.

I noticed a couple of typo's, they are as follows.

- i'd met him before
my teeth clamped shut, my heart sttod still
*** Here there is a typo on 'stood'. Also, I think the 'i'd' in the beginning should be capitalized.

- ***There are several times when the word 'I' is not capitalized.

All in all, a wonderful read. Happy Writing!!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


438
438
Review of Isaac II, Part I  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, I found this piece on the ReviewMe Page for WDC Power Reviewers.

I am extremely impressed at the forethought and planning that has been put into this piece. It is obvious that you have developed this story down to the last detail; it shows in the quality of the writing, as well as the lay out and progression of events. I am absolutely intrigued with this and look forward to reading more.

I think the character of Isaac has been very well constructed and I am interested to see how he is developed. I see that this is a prelude to the short story 'Isaac' and though I have not read it, I definitely will now.

Your descriptions are well worded and vivid, and I especially found the area with action to be well told and easy to imagine. All in all, very well done! I found one spot with a typo, it is as follows.

- “Now.” the voice urged.
*** I think the word 'the' should be capitalized or the period after now changed to a comma.

Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
439
439
Review of A Longing Love  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!!

This poem was a truly enjoyable read. The rhythm is strong and steady, the visual representation adds to the rhythm. I read this aloud, as I always do when reviewing or writing, and it flowed smoothly. I think the story told was full of emotion and expressed clearly. I didn't find any grammar or punctuation mistakes, and though I rarely say this, I have no suggestions for improvement.*Smile* Very nicely written!

Favorite line:
Your smell and your taste,
The illusioned look of your face.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
440
440
Review of Glimmer, Part One  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!

I am going to start this review with my reaction. I was suprised by the intensity of this piece, and found myself completely absorbed as I read. Your sentence structure during Schuyler's thoughts gave a clear impression of his emotional state as he was questioned, and insight on his change from family man to killer, and the effect it had on him. I think that information is an important part of his character development, as well as to the story itself.

I didn't notice any punctuation or grammar issues.

My suggestion for this piece is to punctuate the dialogue in the sections where he is questioned. There were a few times when a sentence confused me simply because I didn't realize it was dialogue until after I finished reading it. I think it would improve the flow in those areas.

All in all, this was an enjoyable read with a well developed plot line, as well as a rounded main character.

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
441
441
Review of Diarn Wielf  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! I found this character idea to be very intriguing. I think that the progression of the events laid out is realistic, interesting, and ripe with potential. This will make a good strong fantasy, full of confrontation and magic. Definitely an idea worth pursuing.

I did not review according to spelling, grammar, etc. because it was described as an idea, so I went with the idea that you weren't too concerned about the technical stuff. If you do want a review on these things, just let me know and I would be happy to oblige.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
442
442
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya! Welcome to WDC! I am sure you will enjoy the time you spend here. *Smile*

This is a good introduction to a larger story. You introduced the relationship between the two very well, showing the reader early on that they had a long history of friendship. I think this will be important in the development of the story. I found your writing smooth for the most part, and well presented. The title 'Silence' suits the theme of this piece well. I especially enjoyed the third paragraph. The flow was wonderful, and the description was vivid. Well done.

I have a few suggestions, they are as follows. I hope my comments help you out! *Smile*

- Jimmy's car was in his usual spot and I parked next to it in my truck and turned off the engine.
*** This is only personal opinion, but I think this sentence could be more effective if made simpler. For example,
~~ Jimmy's car was in his usual spot, so I parked my truck next to it and turned off the engine.

- ...gently and leanded into it to make the latch catch.
*** Just a typo on 'leaned'.

- The creaking of the staircase and the rustling of the paper bag and the jingling of my keys as I took them out...
*** I suggest to replace the first 'and' with a comma to improve the flow of this sentence.

- I tapped lightly on the door jamb with the back of a knuckle and cleared my throat. You in there? I heard my words after I said them.
*** There should be quotation marks around his speech.

- In the top of the bag were a few of her favorite cds and some hair scrunchies. Some jewelry. The necklace Jimmy had bought her when we were like sixteen. Underneath were clothes.
*** This series of sentences seems a little too choppy. I suggest to rephrase slightly and combine 'Some jewellery' into one of the other sentences. For example,
~~In the top of the bag were a few of her favorite cd's, hair scrunchies, and some jewellery. More specifically, the necklace Jimmy had given her when we were teenagers. *** Not too sure if the 'underneath were clothes' could be incorporated as well, or even left out. Depends on whether the clothes become important later on.

- Walking woodenly toward the rectangle of light I heard over the roar of the silence in my ears a strange voice from far away.
*** This sentence is slightly confusing. I like the content of it, but it feels like it is too wordy. My suggestion is to break it up with comma's or rephrase slightly. For example,
~~ Walking woodenly toward the rectangle of light, I heard a strange voice ride over the roar of silence as though from far away.

- No Jimmy no. Oh Jesus Jimmy no.
*** There is no emotion in these words, though I'm sure there was meant to be. Try using exclamation marks to show he is upset. Also, is he saying this out loud? Or thinking it? Or is this the voice he is hearing? One more thing here, there should be a comma after 'No' and again after 'Oh'.

All in all, I feel this piece has a lot of potential, and I look forward to reading more!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
443
443
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, I am happy to review this poem for you! I hope you find my comments helpful.

This is a 'short and sweet' representation of trees in a personified state. I enjoyed the rhythm and flow, both sections were fluid when I read them aloud. The only suggestion I have for this is in the second section.

You wrote:

Bended trees,
bending each to each,

*** I think that using 'bended' in the first line and 'bending' in the second creates a repititious sound. When I read it out loud it felt like too much bending, I suggest that you use a different word for one or the other. For example, veering, inclining, turning, etc.

All in all, a nice quick read that left me feeling appreciation for the nature of trees. Happy Writing!!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
444
444
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya. I found this piece on the ReviewMe List, thank you for posting!

I found this poem to be refreshingly different from what I am used to. I really like the fantasy element of this. The first two lines were a great intro, they pulled me in and captured my interest. Nice job. I also enjoyed the subject, a little philosophical musing is always fun!! The title fits the piece well.

As I always do, I read this poem aloud to check for rhythm, etc. and found the rhythm to be fairly steady and easy to read. I have the following suggestions.

- ...the valley of horrible den.”
*** This line sounded a bit off to me as I read, 'horrible den' feels too simplistic for this poem. I am not sure how to explain what I mean....it is as though those words change the voice of the narrative. Sorry I can't be more specific.

- Thus, answered the other power.
and left me in a confused mark.
*** I don't think the period after 'power' is needed.

This was an enjoyable read. Happy Writing!!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
445
445
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya. This was an enjoyable read. So many times the child is held responsible in situations such as this, and it was refreshing to see the relationsip between parent and child in a wholesome light. I could feel the emotions of the father as he was searching for his son, and I think the flashbacks to when his son was a baby were very effective in establishing his emotions, and his protective nature. I do have a question though, how old was the boy meant to be? Also, I am assuming that the babysitter is a teenager, according to the reference to calling her mom, am I mistaken?To be honest, I don't think the age of the babysitter has anything to do with the content, I am just curious. I found the sentences to be well constructed and the writing to be smooth and full of feeling. I read through with ease.

I noticed a couple of minor things, which I have pointed out below.

- “If anything happened to him...
*** I think that 'happens' or 'has happened' would fit the content of this sentence and give it a smoother flow. I tend to favor 'happens' simple because it keeps it in the present tense.

- He stopped under a tree, straining to an answer.
*** I think the word 'hear' is missing in this sentence.

- Sometimes, using italics for sections that are memories can be effective in establishing that they are a flashback, rather than a part of the current events.

I enjoyed this story, thank you for posting and sharing. Happy Writing!!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
446
446
Review of Milly  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya. This is a sad glimpse into young Milly's life. Not only does she feel loss, but feels responsible for her family. Definitely a heart wrenching situation. I think this story has a lot of potential to be a good tear-jearker, that leaves the reader 'feeling' what the child has been through, and will yet suffer. This story starts from the teachers perspective, then switches to Milly in order for her to have the memories of her summer break. I think that if you came just from Milly's point of view, it may give the reader time to get to know her, to feel what she is feeling. Please remember that this is only my opinion, and is meant in a helpful way. *Smile* I noticed a few things as I read, spelling, punctuation, etc. and I have included them below.

- ...nurture for the duration of the next accademic year.
*** The word 'accademic' should be 'academic'.

- As I call your name from the registar,...
*** The word 'registar' should be 'register'. I had to check this one in the dictionary. *Smile*

- A mixture of nerves and excitement made his voice inaudible as he spoke faster and faster, gasping for air as he finished, Baker sat back down as fast as he had shot up.
*** This sentence is a bit too much all together, I think. My suggestion is to break it into two sentences. I think that you could use a period after 'faster and faster' then start 'gasping for air' as a new sentence.

- In her mind Milly viewed the event all over again. As she related the story back to Miss Williams.
*** I don't think these two sentences should be seperated. Using 'as she related' in the beginning of a sentence makes the reader think that there should be another action following it.

- If ever, whenever you need to talk to mummy, you just talk to her because she will hear you.'
*** I don't think that using 'if ever' in the beginning of this works. It doesn't really make sense for him to say both 'if ever' and 'whenever' back to back.

- *** When Milly is talking about her dad, at one point there is dialogue from her, as well as dialogue from her dad in the same paragraph. I suggest that you seperate the dialogue so that each speaker gets their own paragraph. It is easier for the reader to follow that way.

- *** You have written this so that Milly looks back in time periodically for when her dad is speaking. I think that if you put the spots where she is replaying her dad's words into italics it may be easier for the reader to understand that she is having a memory.

- ...the whole situation was awful and wrong.'
*** I'm not sure that a seven year old would use the word 'situation'.

This is the sort of story that tugs on the readers heart, especially to those that are parents. I enjoyed the read, thank you for sharing it. *Smile*
Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun

447
447
Review of Radhe's Dance  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary *Smile*

I enjoyed the tone of this piece, it reads as though it is being told by a storyteller. I am not familiar with the mythology surrounding this, but I did find it to have a 'fairy tale' sort of feel to it. Your writing flows well, and the content of the story was moving. The end was much different than I expected, and I like that. I find that being able to predict what is coming detracts from the fun of the reading process.

In several places I noticed that you have missed the punctuation before the end quotation marks in the dialogue. Following is an example of one such spot.

- “Here, my brothers, is the temple of beauty” the young man said, sounding amused.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
448
448
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya. This is a very thought provoking piece. My children are just getting to the age where 'mom' is not the first one to hear about everything, and I often wonder what it will be like when they are full blown teenagers.

The tone of the writing is wistful, and conveys the mothers sense of despair as her children grow independent and pull away from her. Though this process is natural, I don't know any mother out there that doesn't have depressing thoughts about it. I found your writing to be smooth, and the sentences to be well articulated without losing the emotional content. One thing I noticed is that you use long sentences with several comma's, and though for most of the piece it works well, you may consider breaking a few of them into shorter sentences for effect. For example, you wrote:

I have always hankered to observe, from a distance, him with his friends and reassure myself that he's safe and happy, that he's beginning to turn into a young man I can be proud of, and can boast to my friends about, rather than pacifying them with the usual vague reassurances that he's doing well at school and is a well behaved child.

My suggestion:

I have always hankered to observe, from a distance, him with his friends and reassure myself that he's safe and happy. To know for a fact that he's beginning to turn into a young man that I can be proud of, and boast to my friends about, rather than pacifying them with the usual vague reassurances that he is doing well at school, and is a well behaved child.

I noticed a few small things, they are as follows.

- The dishwasher is on it's second load of the day,...
*** The word 'it's' doesn't need an apostrophe and should read as 'its' because it is referring to an object. It's should only be used if 'it is' could be substituted without losing the meaning of the sentence.

- I fear that he takes risks, he was always such an adventuring little boy,....
*** The use of the word 'adventuring' in this sentence feels slightly off. I wonder if 'adventuresome' or 'adventurous' would improve the flow.

- ...that, whatever she's doing and whoever she's with, that she can look after herself and not have to rely on the whims of others her age.
*** I found the use of 'that' in the beginning of each of these to be a little repetitive. I think you could eliminate the second one without causing any difference to the meaning, and also increase the flow of this sentence.

My favorite part - 'Anyway, she must have located it under one of the varying sizes of clothes piles that she seemingly uses as some sort of a storage system.' *** I absolutely loved this line, it is oh so true, and sure made me laugh.

I think you have done a good job on this piece. The emotions that come across to the reader are honest, and are accurate for what many mothers go through as their children grow. Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
449
449
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya. Well, my first impression of this prologue is simple: wow! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. The tone of the writing is somber and full of emotion, and pulled me into the story with ease. Your descriptions are vivid and compelling, and I found myself wanting more when it was over. I very much enjoy your style of writing, and look forward to reading more. I am afraid I don't have any constructive critisism to offer. I looked for punctuation, grammar, etc. and found nothing out of place. I feel that the character development was well done, and the pacing also very good. I am intrigued to see where this goes.

Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
450
450
for entry "Who is T?" 
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya. I enjoyed reading this chapter. You have a way of writing in the first person that makes the reader feel as though they are actually inside of the character's head and without causing confusion. I find a lot of first person narrative that is hard to follow, but the narrative in this was really good. I like the way you write, the ideas flow well and the writing itself is smooth and easy to read. The character of Jade seems to have been well thought out and her reactions are realistic, as is the dialogue between her and her friends. You have also done well with showing her personality. I do have a few suggestions, which I have included below, along with some typo's that I noticed along the way.

- ...his is already loping away, shaking his shaggy blonde hair in laughter.
*** I think that 'his' should be 'he'.

- The bell shrilly rings and she takes that as her queue to huff and stalk off to first period.
*** i stumbled here a little, I think maybe 'rings shrilly' would be smoother than 'shrilly rings'.

- Why would Tanya want to meet me at Quaker Square, out old industrial mill turned mall, after school?
*** I'm not too sure on this sentence, the 'out old industrial mill turned mall' doesn't seem to make sense to me. The word 'out' is out of place.

- ...through the door and shooting down the hall to meet up with friend.
*** I think 'friend' should be plural.

- I can’t hear what their saying!
*** The word 'their' should be 'they're'.

- I push the flashing message sign on the phone and drop m bag on the floor...
*** Just a typo on 'my'.

- ...waving to carpool Mom of the Day and kicking off his shoes...
*** I think that adding hyphens here would help with the meaning of 'carpool Mom-of-the-Day'. It makes it one subject and shows the reader that it is intended to be that way.

- ...blue-grey eyes spaced to far apart,...
*** The word 'to' should be 'too'.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
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