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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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376
376
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

The beginning paragraph was vivid, inviting and captured my interest nicely. The ending was equally well worded, leaving the reader with a sense of hope that Ted will be able to move past what happened to his family.

This story was emotional, and as I read I found several areas that pulled at my heart strings. There are phrases throughout which hint at the fact she is a ghost, but even though I knew it was coming, I was completely satisfied as a reader when the reason for his state came out. Most times I like to be suprised, but with this piece I found the emotional stimulation to be so intense that I didn't require the additional twists to feel the impact of it.

I especially liked how Rebecca commented through the piece, it gave me insight to the situation from her perspective, and was a prime indication of how their life had been before. Seeing her reactions to his pain made it easier for me as a reader to 'feel' what he was going through and how it affected him as a person.

The character development is somewhat limited due to the length of the piece, but I felt close to the characters through the narrative and dialogue.

The sentence structure was fluid and enticing, and the transition between paragraphs was smooth. The tone of the narrative suited the piece and gave insight to Rebecca's personality, as well as events as they transpired. The title of this piece fits the content well and was what drew me to read it in the first place.

The flow of the piece as a whole, the timing with which the situation unfolded felt very realistic and believable.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Uninvited, Jim lowering his tall frame into the chair...
I think 'lowered' would suit this sentence and produce a smoother flow.

I didn't notice any error's in punctuation, spelling, etc. I also have no suggestions for improvement, I found it wonderful as is. *Smile*

Overall

A satisfying, emotional read and one I will not hesitate to recommend. Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
377
377
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

The narrative voice used in this piece reflects Greg's emotions and reactions well. I like the tone used, as well, it is telling of the long term damaged by their mother's behaviour. It is also well suited to the content of the piece.

Greg's character development was well done. I was able to feel his emotions quite well, and to see what kind of brother he is for his sisters. He seems to take the brunt of the punishment for them, and he is so big hearted he doesn't hold it against them.

The sentence structure is nicely done. The sentences flow well, creating an easy, intriguing read because the reader is able to get into the story without being caught up with inconsistencies. The flow between paragraphs was also well done, I didn't notice any areas where it staggered in that regard. The build up of tension just before they left the house was good. I felt his apprehension and desire to be gone before She woke up in a very realistic manner.

The plot line was well developed from beginning to end and was revealed at a good rate. I was able to learn of their situation in steps and through actions and dialogue rather than being told by the author. As a reader I definitely appreciate this approach as it allows me to get to know the characters better, as well as form emotional attachment. Very nice.

The title fits the content nicely and reveals much about the upcoming story.

The dialogue is realistic and believable. It varies in cadence between speakers, which adds to the visual perception of the situations.

I believe this story will be something which grabs the readers attention and holds it. It is well told, and is based on a subject which I think many people can relate to in some way or the other.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*...but he didn't mind because they only hurt because he used...
The double use of the word 'because' so close together caused me to stumble a bit. I think you could eliminate the first one and replace it with a dash. I believe it would read smoother.

*Bullet* When you reference the mom the she/her is underlined. There is one in the tenth paragraph. I only say something in case you wanted to keep them all underlined. *Smile*

*Bullet* He chomprd on them even...
Just a typo on 'chomped'.

*Bullet*...stairs above his room and panick surged through him.
The word 'panick' should be 'panic'.

*Bullet*...but circumstances caused byHer drifted them apart.
There is no space between 'by' and 'Her'.

*Bullet*...to be wielded aginst her children's bodies and minds.
The word 'against' is missing an 'a'.

Overall

A smooth, thought provoking piece. Very well done. Happy Writing and Happy WDC Anniversary.*Smile*

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
378
378
Review of Untitled  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! Welcome to WDC, I am sure you will enjoy your time here! *Smile*

Strengths

Due to the length of this piece I really didn't expect for the narrative to be so intense, but it really was, and in a good way. The narrative tone grabbed me and pulled me in right from the beginning. There was a philosophical type of feel to it to begin with, and as Aeomir watched the situation, it became hard, reflecting his reaction. Very nice.

The wording in this piece was done well. Though there isn't a lot of description, my imagination filled in the blanks and I think the tone allowed for this to happen so effortlessly. The sentence structure was well planned and executed and I found myself reading through with ease. The paragraphs flowed well from one to the next with no awkward joiners.

There was little character development, but I believe this will come in time. For an introduction of this type I think the addition of development would have negated your intentions.

There was just enough information about the village and the times in which they live to interest the reader and tease the imagination. Very nice way to hook a reader into reading on. I really liked the ending hook as well, showing such a change in his attitude is intriguing, and I know I am interested to see how he develops as a person. I am intrigued by him in general - especially his past. Very nice.

You have definitely left yourself many threads in which to develop this story. Have fun with it!

Suggestions

*Bullet*...as if God himself had forbid all sense of pleasure...
I think perhaps 'forbidden' would grant this sentence a smoother flow. Something to think about. *Smile*

*Bullet*...warmth would surrender its self to the blistering cold.
The words 'its self' could be placed together to form 'itself'.

*Bullet*...and their jeers grew all the more louder.
The word 'more' is useless in this sentence as the word 'louder' already indicated the sound is becoming 'more' than it was before.

*Bullet*The figure, shrouded in cloth, landed it's gaze...
The word 'it's' should be 'its'. There should only be an apostrophe if 'it is' could be substituted and still make sense.

Overall

All in all I think this is a very strong start on a longer story. You have included all the main elements to intrigue the reader, as well as entertain them with your writing style. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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379
379
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya! Welcome to WDC, I am sure you will enjoy your time here! *Smile*

Strengths

The plot line of this story moves along nicely. It is apparent by Candace's agitation, as well as her insistance on Ron accompanying her rather than her girl friends, that she has an ulterior motive for wanting Ron to go with her for dinner. You set up the belief that it was a ring very well for the reader, and I was suprised when it was a key to her place instead. It was a really nice twist. I think you led the reader to believe it was a ring, and Ron's response definitely added to the assumption.

The development of the characters was limited, but I think sufficient for the type of piece. Candace came off as a controlling kind of woman who knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to go after it. Ron was the complete opposite, more of a free spirit really. I found I was happy they didn't end up getting together simply because there was such a lack of spark between them. This was also a good clue on your part that all would not end as Candace had planned.

I noticed this piece is part one of a series, so I believe I will reserve my opinion of the title until I know more of the story. For this section it doesn't really suit because there is no revenge, but I believe this will develop in the next installments. *Smile*

I think this piece has begun quite an interesting story. There is infinite room for growth of Candace as a person, and for her to see what she really wants in life. It seems right now she has a set plan of what 'should' be, I look forward to seeing what happens vs. her preconcieved ideas.

I have a few overall suggestions, as well as a few error's I have included in the section below.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Close call though huh?”
There should be a comma after 'though'.

*Bullet*Candace forces a smiles,...
There is a typo on 'smiles', should be 'smile'.

*Bullet*I’m Kelly and I’ll be you server today.
The word 'you' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*And for you sir?”
Need a comma after 'you'.

*Bullet*“Oh I see we lost someone,”
Need a comma after 'Oh'.

*Bullet*One thing I noticed as I read this piece was a continual changing of tense. There are parts where this is in past tense, and then others where it is in present. I believe smoothing it all into a constant tense would help with the flow as well as the overall experience for the reader.

*Bullet*One more thing. You may want to limit the amount you use the exclamation mark. I found as I read through it became somewhat distracting for me when used in regular speech. For instance, when the waitress used it as they were ordering drinks. Try to keep it only for those sentences which really need the added punch, and perhaps use facial expressions for the others. Please remember these are only my opinions, so feel free to disregard what you do not agree with. *Smile*

Overall

A great start on a longer piece. There was a good sense of coming character development and I believe it will hook your readers into wanting to know more of what will happen next. Happy Writing!

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380
380
Review of Dark Brother  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* Hiya! I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

My first impression when I finished this was...wow! I thoroughly enjoyed this read. The writing itself, including sentence structure, was very smooth. The transition between paragraphs was nearly flawless, and I found myself captivated by the plot line almost immediately. The opening paragraph did its job well, it captured my interest and led me into the story. Very nicely done.

The viewpoint on elves used in this piece was refreshing. There are very few stereotypical references in this story and I really enjoyed that. Stories where the reader has a basic idea of the culture already can tend to be boring and predictable, which this piece definitely wasn't.

The descriptions were vivid and active, and I had no trouble visualizing the area, or the actions as they unfolded.

The dialogue was realistic and believable according to the character set up. The elf's tone was not so sophisticated as to seem fake, but defined enough to enhance the impression of his age. The speech of the villagers was also quite believable and the dialogue sections flowed well.

I was impressed by your use of the first person. I often find first person to be hard to follow, or at least to get into when I'm reading. This was not the case this time. The flow of his thoughts, actions and even dialogue was right on.

The ending was done nicely. It left it open enough to allow the reader to continue the story with their imagination, and was set up to give the impression he would win over the monster. I enjoyed that it was left open, it acted as a hook, and yet not so much that it felt unfinished. I sure hope that makes sense to you!

The development of his personality and background was done in a way that didn't detract from the action and was just enough to assist the flow and reduce confusion. All in all, a wonderful piece.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...which was much dance as it was martial.
I think adding the word 'as' before 'much' would smooth out the flow of this section.

*Bullet*“You have knowledge of the creature that did this?
Just missing the quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*...breaking off small trees that were in his ways,
The word 'ways' does not need to be plural.

*Bullet*It did not want to kill this creature.
The word 'It' should be 'I'.

*Bullet*I noticed you use the word 'that' often. While there is nothing wrong with this, I believe there are spots where it could be removed without changing the meaning of the narrative, and perhaps smooth out the flow even more.

Overall

An enjoyable read with the added benefit of originality.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
381
381
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this piece listed on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting. *Smile*

Strengths

This was an interesting piece. I really enjoyed the man in the cemetary. I am assuming he was a vampire, but since it didn't say that specifically, that could be wrong. His attitude however, was wonderful. I don't know why really, but I really enjoy the mocking tone, gentle words that somehow mean so much more than face value. I think you did a very nice job on him, for sure.

The tone of the narrative was consistent in tense, and in content. Considering the age of the girl, I found her thoughts to be realistic and believable, as well as having a fairly smooth flow. The paragraph structure was also quite smooth, the transition from activity, to thought, to action was done nicely.

I enjoyed how the narrative changed in pace as she became scared, and again as she calmed down. It made it easy for me, as a reader, to follow and believe the changes as they occurred.

There was intensity in their kiss, as well as a certain amount of sensuality, yet you didn't take it too far. Some readers are offended easily when young people are involved and I think you had just the right amount of excitement.*Smile*

The ending was nicely done. The change of his eye color is a good indicator of an emotional reaction in him and the addition of hers changing as well is interesting and could easily be developed into a plot line.

The title fits the piece well. In response to whether or not you should continue this story my response is yes. I think there is more than enough intrigue in this piece to last for a longer piece. There are endless possibilities when dealing with the supernatural so I say go for it!

Suggestions

*Bullet*I was totally prepared to like it until Mom finally disclosed the "they don't have a mall in Clement Falls darling."
First, eliminate the word 'the' before the quoted line. Add a comma after 'disclosed' and again after 'Falls'. I think you will find it increases the flow.

*Bullet*For a girl of my taste, I considered that an epic tragedy, I was sure things couldn't get any worse.
I think seperating the last section of this into its own sentence would increase the impact of the line.

*Bullet*Grrrrr, seriously?, I thought.
The comma after the question mark in unnecessary.

*Bullet*With my limited experience with the surroundings,...
This is a minor point, but I think you should eliminate the second 'with' and use 'of' instead.

*Bullet* The gate, at the entrance, had fallen off its...
The comma's in this sentence are not necessary and cause the reader to pause when they do not need to.

*Bullet*...and my palms were sweaty, as I crossed the threshold,...
The comma after 'sweaty' causes a premature pause and disrupts the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet* I couldn't help the thought, in the back of my mind, that kept telling me to be quiet.
I think the flow of this sentence could be improved by a few small changes. For example, 'I couldn't help the thought in the back of my mind, telling me to be quiet.'

*Bullet*"Right here love."
Need a comma after 'here'.

*Bullet* "Let go of me",...
Minor typo, the comma should be before the quotation mark.


Overall

An enjoyable read. I think with some careful editing, it could be a truly great piece and would develop nicely into a longer story. I look forward to reading more.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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382
382
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya!

Strengths

The developments in this chapter are very well done. Madeline's mysterious talents is a great addition and rather suprised me, but definitely in a good way. The confrontation between Twyla and Tristan was hinted at in chapter three and I was glad to see it come so quickly. I do have a few suggestions regarding that spot, which I have listed below, but the concept of it happening in this chapter was really good. One thing is for sure, there are few dull moments in this book so far! *Smile*

I also like how you have clarified that Madeline is there to help Twyla and Kylie. I wasn't sure when we were first introduced her and showing it through her aiding the girls leaves a lasting impression on the reader.

Suggestions

*Bullet*It's almost 4am and...
This should be 'four a.m.'.

*Bullet* This is my favorite stage in the night when everything...
This is a very minor point, but I think 'of' would flow smoother than 'in'.

*Bullet*You have to be someones kitty.
There should be an apostrophe in 'someone's'.

*Bullet*...at least my conscious.
The sentence after this leads me to believe 'conscious' should be 'conscience'. Conscious means awake and alert, while conscience is that little voice in your head that tells you right from wrong.

*Bullet*There is a discrepancy in the spelling of Jasmine. Some of them are spelled 'Jasmin'.

*Bullet* They slam shut just and inch before my fingers.
The word 'and' should be 'an', as well, I think adding 'touch them' after 'before my fingers' would help with the visual.

*Bullet*In a flash I'm flung out my window,...
The first time I read this sentence I thought someone else threw her out the window. Using 'flung' creates the impression it was against her will. Perhaps change the wording slightly.

*Bullet*...only to find that I bounced right back to the ground.
Using 'bounced' takes this out of tense. To keep it in the present tense use 'bounce'.

*Bullet*She begins grow larger,...
Need the word 'to' before 'grow'.

*Bullet*Charles office must be for strictly...
Charles should be Charles', it's like adding an 's but because it ends with an s you only need the apostrophe.

*Bullet*...and burn Tristans body."
His name should have an 's.

*Bullet*I look over at by bed and...
Just a typo on 'by', it should be 'my'.

*Bullet*I know I said this in my review of chapter 4, but I would truly like to see you develop the fight scene a bit more. The narrative goes through it quickly, and 'tells' the reader what happens, but I found I was unable to visualize it. Showing the action will inspire anticipation in the reader, which makes the reading of it all the more enjoyable.*Smile*

*Bullet* I think you should try slowing down the narrative a little. Take some extra time to see what she is seeing and comment on the little things, emotions, gut feelings, etc. It will add intensity for the reader.

Overall

Really good developments in this chapter, especially with Madeline. Keep on writing!!


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383
383
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya!

Strengths

This chapter had some good confrontation elements in it. Considering that the last chapter did not, I think this was a good idea, it helps to keep the story moving along.

The dialogue between the girls was realistic and flowed well with the story line.

The sequence of events from beginning to end was done in good order, and I didn't notice any discrepancies from the earlier chapters.

Suggestions

*Bullet* My house is behind a main street with many boutiques, restaurants, and offices.
This sentence feels awkward. I suggest to rephraze the 'with many', it doesn't seem to flow with the style of the narrative. My suggestion, 'My house is behind a main street lined with boutiques...'

*Bullet*It took us less then that...
The word 'then' should be 'than'. Also, on average a vampire could probably traverse that distance in ten minutes or less, at least in the way most people view them. Yours may be different. *Smile*

*Bullet*"Don't drop it, again."
You don't need the comma in this sentence, it creates a pause where it isn't necessary.

*Bullet* They were in Vermont of something!
The word 'of' should be 'or'.

*Bullet*The scene with Allister seems to pop out of no where, you may want to lead up to it a bit with him shooting them some dirty looks while Kaylie is eating. Also, the scene with him felt too fast for me. It was more 'tell' than 'show'. Try breaking down her reactions a little more, let the reader feel her anger, and then demonstrate how she kicks and hits him. The clearer the reader visualizes it, the better.

*Bullet*Try to limit the amount you use the exclamation point. In this chapter there seemed to be quite a few and after a while it loses its affect. Try using it less and using facial expressions to emphisize the tone of voice.

*Bullet*One last thing. I felt like Twyla was too calm directly after attacking Allister. If she was taken by her hunger she would be irrational for a bit longer, I think. Perhaps use Kaylie to calm her down a bit, as though Twyla snaps out of it because she can't hurt her friend. Something to consider, at any rate.

Overall

An active chapter, keep on pluggin' away! Happy Writing!


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384
384
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on the Shameless Plug Page. *Smile*

Strengths

This is a well told, well written story. I think using all of the main character's viewpoints really helped for the reader to get into each of their heads, to know what each one was thinking at a given point in time.

The progress of the story was smooth, and there were no dull areas. I definitely didn't feel inclined to skim at any point. The descriptions were vivid and nicely detailed, and I had no trouble visualizing the events as they unfolded.

The development of the characters was done subtly through thoughts and dialogue, and done well enough that I didn't even hate Michelle, even though what she did was underhanded. I did feel bad for Louisa, since her fear of becoming close was warranted in the end. What a situation for them all to be in.

The dialogue between the characters was well written, realistic and believable. The type of speech varied between people very well.

I liked the use of italics for specific thoughts. I noticed that you went back and forth a bit on perspective between Michelle and Chris, but it was smooth and suited the tone of the story.

The tone of the narrative also changed slightly between perspectives which I think is very good, it helps the reader to get to know each character individually, and to get a sense of the kind of people they are.

The title fits the piece well.

Suggestions

I used the edit points for specific suggestions. *Smile* It was my first time using EP's though, so let me know if it didn't work.

Overall

A very well told and enjoyable story! Happy Writing!


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#1689560 by Not Available.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
385
385
Review of Loved  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hiya! I saw your story and thought I would drop in for a review.*Smile*

Strengths

The narrative tone of this piece is smooth and easily grabbed my attention. It was like actually being inside her head and experiencing her memories. Very nice. The sentence structure was done nicely, and for the most part, flowed well.

Right from the beginning I was intrigued by the tone of the narrative. It really pulled me in, let me feel what she was feeling. Loved the ending, it sure left me smiling!

Near the end I noticed the sentence structure changed with her intent and the emotions she felt as she picked up the phone to call him, it allowed me to feel that she was a bit nervous. Also, how quickly he responded with her name showed the reader he still thinks about her, giving an indication that something will develop there.

The title fit the piece well.

Suggestions

*Bullet* I remember once crying at my birthday party because my friends wanted hang out with my...
I think adding the word 'to' before 'hang out' would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet* I've always been ashamed of that. When I told Reid that, and he laughed.
I'm not sure which thing she is ashamed of, that her friends liked her sister more, or that Reid laughed? Perhaps clarifying would be good.

*Bullet*...and thinking if Reid really was in love with me.
I think 'wondering' would flow smoother than 'thinking'. Just a personal opinion. *Smile*


Overall

A well written, enjoyable romance. Happy Writing!

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
386
386
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya! This piece was posted on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting, and for letting us read your work!

Strengths

First of all, I really hope you plan on continuing this story! You have me hooked, I have to admit. The character of Angel was very well done, I could feel her anger, bitterness, and beneath that facade, her pain of loss. Very nicely done with the flashbacks, just enough to intrigue, not enough to let out the whole story.*Thumbsup* I enjoyed her short dialogue and the coldness in her tone, you conveyed that very well.

The plot line seemed to move at a very nice pace from beginning to end, and the last line was very well done. It left me smiling, but also feeling sorry for her that she could so easily dismiss him.

The dialogue between Angel and the young man was done well, he came off as being utterly in love with her, and she a cold woman who had no room left for love. I can see she will be out for vengeance, and I so want to see her in action!

The title fit the piece very well. I also think the transitions between present and past were done smoothly. I followed each one easily.

The descriptions were good, I could visualize the outside as she gazed out the window, and the interior of the room as well. I even have a picture of her in my mind though you didn't go into detail in that respect.

Suggestions

*Bullet* One hand came to rest on the window, metallic "click click click" of her fingertips against the glass, her breath fogging the view yet further.
I stumbled over this sentence. I think rephrazing the second part would help the flow, since I had to re-read it to understand what was happening. For example, 'One hand came to rest on the window, her fingertips creating a 'click, click, click' against the glass, and her breath fogging the window even further.' You could even seperate into more than one sentence, completely up to you. *Smile*

*Bullet*She let him draw her up pressed her lips and her body against him, skin to skin.
I think this sentence would benefit from a comma after 'up' to show an additional movement.

*Bullet*...until Jhon had come pounding on their door, made her leave. She'd had no choice.
An 'and' before 'made her leave' would smooth the flow.

*Bullet*Just a quick observation. The narrative tone is intense and I think you could make it even more intense by using shorter sentences. Doing this causes the reader to 'feel' the tone a little without using extra adverbs, etc. Quite a few of the sentences are quite long and I really think shortening a few of them would heighten the mood.

*Bullet*...an appreciation hardly anyone else could have understand.
The word 'understand' should be 'understood' to keep it in the past tense.

*Bullet* "No you don't darling.
Need a comma after 'don't'.

Overall

A well written, intriguing story for sure. I look forward to reading more! Happy Writing!

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387
387
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya!

Strengths

This chapter has some interesting content with the addition of the old church, Madeline and Tristen. Tristen definitely seemed like he was partial to Kylie, which will make for a very interesting confrontation later on. Also, showing Twyla's weaker side was a good move. It shows the reader she isn't all hard edges and that her new life isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be.

The sentence structure and word usage was very smooth in this chapter, very well done. The dialogue was realistic, and the information Tristen gave on the history of John Williams was quite interesting and gave insight to the 'rules' of these vampires.

The following suggestions are minor and didn't affect the read. I had to go back through a second time to look for errors, great work!!

Suggestions

*Bullet* It's a barbaric term, but it's pretty self explanatory.
Just missing the quotation mark at the end of this dialogue.

*Bullet* "Alright, we'll make note to that."
I think 'to' would flow better as 'of'.

*Bullet*...become attached to their vampire as ask for the gift, as they call it.
The first 'as' should be 'and'.

*Bullet*...grabs a forth plate from the cabinet.
The word 'forth' should be spelled 'fourth'.

*Bullet* My mom stairs at me.
The word 'stairs' should be 'stares'.

Overall

A very good chapter; insightful, interesting, and well written. Happy Writing!


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388
388
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*!!


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

This piece is well written and smoothly worded. It flows much like thoughts would, when sitting and reflecting upon past times. There is emotion included here, so subtly that it is hard to pinpoint, but that definitely enhances the story being told.

I found this piece to be insightful, a kind that makes the reader think and reflect upon his/her own experiences.

The flow of explanation through the piece was consistent and well told. I really like the little extra comments, like how the jukebox wasn't flashy, etc. It really added personality to the narrative.

The title fit the content well.

Suggestions:

*Bullet* So, when I had pocket change. And time to spare. I’d head over to that little haven.
I think this section would flow nicer with the rest of the piece if it was put into one sentence. Remember though, this is just my personal opinion.*Smile*

Overall

A very good read. Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


389
389
Review of Once Loved  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on The Review Request Page.

Strengths

This piece is well written with good structure. The progress through her memories is consistent and the flow is really good for the most part. The beginning hooked me, and the content kept me intrigued right until the end. There are a range of emotions in this piece, and they were evident to me as I read. The tone of the narrative was realistic and gave insight to the character of the young woman. A sad piece though, but well worth the read.

The title of the piece fits the content perfectly.

Suggestions

*Bullet* Why try to keep a person warm when they have been touched by death’s icy finger.
I think this should have a question mark at the end. It sounds better if it is not rhetorical, in my opinion.

*Bullet*Something I have learned recently is to limit the amount the word 'that' is used. I believe there are a few spots where it is used but not needed. Test out the sentences where it is found, strike the word 'that' and see if it still makes sense, if it does, take it out. It is a simple thing and helps the flow of the read.*Smile*


Overall

An enjoyable read.*Smile* Happy Writing!


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390
390
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya!

Strengths:

I think one of the things I like the most about Twyla's character is her sense of humor, that girl doesn't stay down long! It seems the story is progressing nicely. Adding the relationship problem with Jesse was a good move, I think, it will add to Twyla's sense of purpose, as well as providing a new opportunity for confrontation.

Technical Suggestions

*Bullet* I just told her that I get a headache when the sunlight comes in, which I'm really not lying.
This sentence seems a bit awkward to me. The second part 'which I'm really not lying' doesn't flow with the first part. Perhaps try seperating it into two sentences and drop the word 'which'. Or, something like this, 'I just told her I get a headache when the sunlight comes in, and I wasn't lying'.

*Bullet* I roll over a grab my sunglasses off of my nightstand and stumble over to close my drapes.
I think you could cut this down to make it a little smoother. For example, 'I roll over, grab my sunglasses from my night stand and then stumble over to close the drapes'. I guess I didn't cut it down much, but I think it reads smoother. What do you think?

*Bullet*"Thanks, ma. I wish I could eat it" I mutter, "Yeah, I'm up mom.
There should be punctuation before the end quotation on the first part. Also, the part 'I mutter,' makes the following statement seem like it is muttered as well. Here is my suggestion, "Thanks, ma. I just wish I could eat it," I mutter. Then, "Yeah, I'm up mom.I think it shows the seperation well enough.

*Bullet*...and wave like dumbass?
Just need an 'a' after 'like'.

*Bullet*"I just wanted to see you, that's all." he turns his head slightly towards me, grinning.
I noticed this a few times, so I thought I would show you an example. When the dialogue ends with a period, the next word 'he' should be capitalized.

*Bullet*"You're skin is so cold," his warm hand rests on my cheek.
The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*"Where you, like, waiting at the window?"
The word 'where' should be 'were'.

*Bullet* I hide my running bad under Kylie's bed and head out the door.
The word 'bad' should be 'bag'.

*Bullet*I think the meeting with Madeline felt a little rushed. In my opinion, Twyla and Kylie's acceptance of her seems like a giant leap of faith, especially considering one of them is human. I wonder if adding some hesitation might make it seem more realistic.

Overall

The characters, as well as the plot, seem to be progressing well. Keep on writing!


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391
391
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review" .


Strengths:

True love seems to be an idea which never loses its appeal. The idea which inspired this piece is very nice, and the touch of fantasy is a wonderful addition. There is a sense of intensity between the two and the man, or the wolf, or both, can be anything or anyone the reader wants him to be. I think this allows the reader the freedom to enjoy the piece in their own way every time. Nice job on that.

Suggestions:

I think the imagery of this piece could be enhanced with the use of well used punctuation and wording. I love what you are trying to convey, but I found myself having a hard time seeing and feeling what the main character feels. You may consider using the third person perspective, just to see if perhaps it is easier to convey the fantastical quality you are going for.

I found a few sentences which I have included specific suggestions, they are as follows.

*Bullet*I stop to look around enjoy the tranquility of the moment.
This sentence doesn't quite flow. I have two ideas of how you could increase the flow. You could add the word 'and' after 'around' or you could put a comma after 'around' and change 'enjoy' to 'enjoying'. Either way, I think, would work.

*Bullet*...the trees are full of leaves and gently swaying in the breeze.
The flow on this sentence feels stunted. I think you could reword it just slightly to increase the effect. For example,'the trees are full of leaves and sway gently with the breeze.

*Bullet* Curiosity gets the best of me I head for the eyes.
I think there is punctuation needed for this sentence. There is no break betweeen 'me' and 'I' which can be confusing for the reader.

In Conclusion

The idea of this piece has vast potential, and it is plain to see there is true talent behind the writing.Spend some time and play with the sentence structure, read the piece out loud to yourself to test for flow, and have fun with it.

I enjoyed reading this piece, and can't wait to see it again once you have perfected it. *Smile* I would be more than happy to revise the rating later on, so feel free to let me know if you edit!

Happy Writing!

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392
392
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! I saw that it is your anniversary month, so I thought I would stop by for a review!

What a lovely, sentimental piece. One of the hardest things in life, I think, is watching those you love as they age and I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to watch them suffer as well. The memories you have shown the reader are so wonderful. They are the little tid-bits that stick in the memory and come to suprise us every so often with a soft memory of love.

I noticed one small thing I thought I would mention, it is as follows.

*Bullet*Now, she’s a changed woman and, sadly, it’s years since I’ve heard that laugh.
The last part of this sentence is off just slightly. I wonder if you were to say 'it's been years since I've heard that laugh'. Remember, it is only a suggestion.

This piece has reminded me of how short life can be, and how important it is to know the people you love, inside and out, so you can always remember them. A very nice, emotional read. It was the perfect compliment to my evening cup of coffee. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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393
393
Review of Siren Song  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya!

My Impression

To be completely honest, my first thought after reading this was, wow! I am no good at writing poetry, but I love to read it, and this has got to be one of the best I have read for a good long while. The rhythm was constant, the word choice had a smooth flow, and the transition from stanza to stanza was flawless.

The title suits the piece perfectly.

I really liked the subject of this piece. Poetry tends to be quite cliche, but you have used an interesting topic, with unlimited options. The Siren is a creature that is seldom used, and especially not in such a compelling way. The tone of this piece was emotional and drew me in easily.

The progression was also well done. You have no idea how many pieces I read that don't have a point, or at least, none that I can discern. Part of the challenge with writing poetry is for it to be meaningful to both the author and the reader, and I think you have achieved that beautifully.

My Suggestions

No suggestions for improvement, it is already wonderful!*Smile*

Overall

An enjoyable read which has inspired me! I would definitely recommend this to anyone.

Happy Writing!


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394
394
Review of The Final Leg  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this piece on The Review Request Page.

My First Impression

The title for this piece is appropriate and relates well to the content.

This story was dramatic, descriptive and easy to visualize as I read. I found the sentence structure and flow to be fairly steady and the story line to be well presented from beginning to end. It kept my interest throughout and the ending line was very suitable.

The tone of the narrative was active and compelling. Very nice.

My Suggestions

*Bullet*... they went on their lives as normal, just another day.
I think adding the word 'with' before 'their' would even out the flow for this sentence.

*Bullet*His co-driver beside him yelled instructions,...
It's quite possible I am wrong, but I believe the term co-driver already gives the impression he/she would be beside the driver. I don't think you need to add the 'beside him' to establish his position. This is pure opinion, so feel free to disregard if you don't agree. *Smile*

*Bullet*...as it landed after one particularly hard landing,...
I don't quite understand this sentence, how can it land after a landing?

*Bullet*...but they were still going straight ahead driving towards the expanse of sky and nothingness.
I think this sentence would benefit from a comma after 'ahead'.

*Bullet* Tom thought he might black out at any second but his eyes stayed open just in time to see the cloud of dust rush up around them as the crushing, utterly devastating impact disturbed the otherwise still ground.
This sentence felt a little wordy to me, I would suggest thinning it down a little by removing the unnecessary information. For example,
Tom though he might black out but his eyes remained opened to witness the cloud of dust rush up around them as their crushing, utterly devastating impact disturbed the otherwise still ground.

Overall

An enjoyable read! Happy Writing!


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395
395
Review of insearch of joy  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hiya! I am reviewing this poem because you posted it on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting!

Strengths

The concept of this poem is wonderful, a search for eternal joy which ends within one's self. Very nice.


My Suggestions

*Bullet*I was walking on a path leading to eternal joy,
After reading through the poem, this sentence seems off to me. If the person was already walking the path which led to eternal joy, then they would have nothing left to look for.

*Bullet*I was searching it in material things.
Craving for what i never had those material things.
The repetition of 'material things' is too close together here and interrupts the flow. My suggestion is to rephrase the second line, using different words.

*Bullet*I was filled with despair which seemed never ending thing.
With this one, I noticed the word thing seems to be extra. I think you could omit that word to produce a smoother flow.

To be honest, I think this poem could benefit from some extra content. When I think of an internal journey such as this, I see unhappiness, then struggle, then a moment of epiphany from which the realization comes. I think if you added a middle section it would produce an overall picture for the reader. For example, how did he/she realise? What happened to produce such a life changing moment? Maybe a friend's selflessness could cause such a result. What do you think? One last thing. Something I do with poetry is read it out loud. I find in doing this, I can see how the flow will work out when someone reads it, and is something I suggest to all poets.

Overall

I think the idea behind this poem is a real winner. Many people struggle in life, and to read about it in a piece such as this could produce the light bulb effect for many. I believe that with a little spit and polish, this will be a great piece!

Please remember, all of these comments have been made in the attempt to help you along with your writing.*Smile*

Happy Writing!!


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396
396
Review of Sin Nomine  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya! I am reviewing this piece because you posted it on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting!

Strengths

This story is well written. The flow of the sentences is smooth for the most part, the only exception being a few places where I felt they could be shortened into seperate sentences - a minor point of personal preference. The tone of the narrative was wonderful, it drew me in and set the tone of the story very well. It gave me a sensation of actually being within the dream, languid almost. Hopefully that makes sense to you!*Smile* The character of the girl wasn't developed much, but I don't think it really needed to be to make the intended point. I think the title is suitable for the piece, and the explanation of its meaning very well done. It was enough without taking away from the flow of the story.

My Suggestions

*Bullet* ...casing butterflies, swells of laughter,...
The word 'casing' should be 'chasing'.

*Bullet* But no, there was nothing, nothing but black.
A minor suggestion here, but I think this statement would be more dramatic if you got to the point faster. For example,
But there was nothing, only blackness. (or something like that anyway).

*Bullet*She remember warnings she had never heard,...
The word 'remember' should be 'remembered'.

*Bullet*The little girl, she promised herself, would find out what made the place so special.
The way this sentence is written it sounds as though she is saying 'Little girl' to herself as well. I suggest to rephrase slightly to avoid reader confusion. For example,
The little girl promised herself she would find out what made the place so special.

*Bullet*There never seemed to be anything but herself and the dark cave walls that were cool to the touch.
I think you could increase the flow of this sentence by omitting the words 'that were' before 'cool to the touch' and replacing them with a comma and the word 'so'. For example,
There never seemed to be anything but herself and the dark cave walls, so cool to the touch. This suggestion is pure opinion, so feel free to disregard if you don't agree.

*Bullet* The laughter one grew the more the little girl struggled to pull away from the woman, her voice...
I think the word 'one' can be omitted. It doesn't seem to fit.

*Bullet*...she closed her eyes and trying to wake,...
The word 'trying' should be 'tried' unless you take out the 'and'.


Overall

An enjoyable read! Happy Writing!


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397
397
Review of Rite of Passage  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!!

This was an enjoyable essay to read. It showed how sometimes major life-changing situations don't have to be dramatic or fearful, and can be made by choice alone. Very nice. I found the structure well set out, the sentences well written and smooth, and the overall meaning to be clear.

I found a couple of things I thought I would point out to you. They are as follows. Please remember though, these are only my opinions so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

*Bullet* I struggled with trying to determine what was the one action in my childhood that marked my transition from child to adult.
I think saying 'what was' makes this sound as though it will be a question. Perhaps if you rephrase slightly, take out the 'was' and put it after 'childhood' it would flow a little smoother.

*Bullet*...it was a quite moment, a quite experience that put me face-to-face with responsibility and the world.
I think 'quite' was meant to be 'quiet'.


All in all, this essay was very well written and a pleasure to read. Happy Writing!


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398
398
Review of Accursed Magic  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review" .

My First Impression

To be very honest, I enjoyed this piece immensely. Vampire stories are easy to come by, but you have gone out of the norm, so to speak, with this piece. Adding magic to the mix, and even a ghost, took this to the next level in supernatural fiction. I absolutely loved the hook, it added yet another element of suspense to the story. I think your writing is smooth, descriptive and vivid. I had no problem following the scenes as they progressed, as well as visualizing the action. Very nicely done.

I found only a few minor things that I thought I would point out. Remember these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

My Suggestions

*Bullet*...the living room light at the end indicating that’s where I’d find Nettie.
I don't think the word 'that's' is necessary to this sentence and I believe it would flow smoother without it.

*Bullet*...around her considerably bigger one.
This is a very minor point, but I think 'larger' would flow smoother than 'bigger'.

*Bullet* “He left this in an envelope scotch taped to the front door.
Another minor point, but I think the word 'scotch' is unnecessary and that the sentence would flow smoother without it.

Overall

A very interesting, captivating read. Good luck with the contest! Oh, and I would love to see a continuation of this story at some point, I think you have more than enough potential sub plots to carry this on into a much larger work.

Happy Writing!


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399
399
Review of The Path We Chose  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hiya! I found this piece on 'The Review Request Page'.

My First Impression

I think the idea behind this piece is a really good one. It is a life lesson, really. The way one acts in life will reflect in the afterlife. Poor Mark was given a test when the Will was read, a test he didn't pay attention to. As far as plot goes you definitely have the necessary elements: beginning, middle and end, as well as motivation and consequence. For the most part the character development is good, but I do have a suggestion regarding Jason. It states in the beginning that he is Dean's best friend, and yet he was the one to suggest being underhanded. I'm thinking that with how 'helpful' Dean was, he would notice such a tendency in his friend. I find it hard to believe they were best friends. However, sometimes opposites do attract, so feel free to take it or leave it.

All in all, I believe this piece has potential to be an intense read.


My Suggestions

I have a few overall suggestions to begin with. First, I suggest you read this piece aloud to yourself. I believe that there are sentences in here that are overly long and wordy, that could be trimmed down a bit for a smoother flow. If it doesn't flow naturally off the tongue, then trim it down. Secondly, using more than one or two adverbs in a sentence can be distracting for a reader. I believe you could cut back on these as well. Lastly, be careful of how many times you use the words 'had' and 'that'. I have recently learned that these words are not always necessary. To check if it is needed, omit the word and see if it still makes sense. If not, then it is needed. *Smile* That said, following are a few specific examples, as well as some punctuation and grammatical errors I noticed as I read.

*Bullet* He also noticed that if he looked hard enough he could see himself in the wall, his reflection looking back at him with a confused expression on its face.
I think you could eliminate 'on its face' from the end of this sentence. It is not needed because the word 'expression' indicates the face anyway so it tends to come off as repetitious.

*Bullet*He quickened his pace trying to keep count of how much time he had spent here, but it was impossible to keep track.
This sentence sounds as though he was walking faster in order to keep track of time, but I don't see how that could work. Perhaps you should rephrase if that is not your intention.

*Bullet*Just a quick note: the second paragraph is missing end punctuation.

*Bullet*...but after Dean had passed away they had been forced to be in contact with each other quite a lot since Jason being Dean’s closest friend.
You could eliminate the first 'had' before 'passed away', as well, 'quite a lot since Jason being Dean's closest friend' doesn't really make sense. My suggestion:
...but after Dean passed away they had been forced to be in close contact as Jason was Dean's closest friend.

*Bullet*As he begun to pour his scrambled eggs out the measuring jug onto a sparklingly clean he wrapped up his conversation.
This sentence doesn't make sense to me. I think you should reread and revise.

*Bullet*While he was considering that if the inheritance is sizeable enough he would move out of this house,...
I would rephrase this sentence because it switches tense, and doesn't flow very well. For example,
While he considered a possible move - dependent on the size of the inheritance - ~~And then the rest of the sentence. Just a suggestion.*Smile*

*Bullet*...and a female news reports voice was heard...
I would say 'a female reporter's voice'.

*Bullet*The entrepreneur and activist had touched many lives and hearts with his generosity and his family have decided to make it an open invitation for anyone who wants to pay their respects.’
The first 'had' is not needed. It should read, 'The entrepreneur and activist touched many lives...' Also, the word 'have' after 'his family' should be 'has'.

*Bullet*They said that if he was denied this he was likely to get very upset and verHe didn’t know how he would react, and eventually the Mugger broke eye contact and fumbled with something under his jacket
There are some typo errors in this sentence.

Overall

On the whole, I think the concept of this story is wonderful and with a little work, would be an amazing story, as well as a positive life lesson for some people. It really made me think, that's for sure. Please feel free to let me know after you edit, and I would be happy to re-read and re-rate accordingly. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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400
400
Review of Taillights  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!!

This piece was a very nice read. The narrative tone is gentle, almost wistful, and the pace is consistent. The memory of Timberwolf and Curbhopper was well placed and flowed well with the story. I just loved it when their identities were revealed - a very touching moment.

I related to this piece as my dad was a truck driver most of my life. I remember the times I spent with him in his truck and find I miss the little things, like the smell of the diesel in his clothes. The details, such as that one, helped to set the tone of the piece, as well as tickle my own memories.

This piece left me feeling content, which in itself is one of the goals many writers have: to elicit an emotional response from the reader. This one sure did that for me.

All in all, very well written and a joy to read. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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