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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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401
401
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, I found this piece on the ReviewMe Page for WDC Power Reviewers.

This piece of dialogue is really cute, and sure left me smiling. I really like how you used different WritingML for each character, it allowed me to see the difference between the robber, police, and even the appearance of the police officer's son. The dialogue is cute, as well. Poor bank robber though couldn't really get a word in to actually perform the robbery!

I didn't find any punctuation or grammar issues, and the sentence structure and flow was right on target.

Happy Writing!

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402
402
Review of A Hug Gone Wrong  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, I found this piece on the ReviewMe Page for WDC Power Reviewers. Thank you for posting!

This poem is full of different emotions, and I found the transition between each was done quite flawlessly. Reading through was smooth, and the constant use of punctuation helped to understand the flow. Very nice. The content is definitely original, and left me with a sense of regret and sadness. I think you expressed the situation very well, and I found I could visualize it easily.

I have a couple of suggestions, they are as follows.

- My tears come to a hault,
*** The word 'hault' should be 'halt'.

The line that starts with, 'Have you forgotten...' felt slightly off as far as flow. I have a habit of reading poems aloud and I found I stumbled around 'how to give a hug to a girl'. I wonder if slightly rephrasing would help, but definitely not at the sacrifice of the meaning. Hopefully that makes sense! *Smile*

All in all, a very nice read. Happy Writing!

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403
403
Review of Just a Fairytale  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya!

Another good read! Once again, I like the content of this. The story unravels in a consistent manner, allowing the reader to get a clear picture of the pain behind the words. Though the subject is fairly well used in poetry, you have changed it and made it your own. Hopefully that makes sense to you! *Smile* The way it is written in the first person makes it more personal, which is why I think it would make for a great song. I'm sure there are many people out there that could relate, that's for sure. I also enjoyed the fact that the structure was fairly open, it enables originality.

I noticed one thing I thought I would mention. It is as follows.

- Tears falling…down my face...
*** This line seems out of place compared to the rest of the piece. In my opinion, both 'tears falling' and 'down my face' really reflect the same thought. It is pretty well a given that if tears are falling, they are going on the face. My suggestion is to change the second line to something more abstract such as the heart breaking, the soul feeling empty, etc. What do you think?

All in all, a great set of lyrics. Happy Writing!!

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404
404
Review of Her Tears  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting!

I enjoyed reading this poem. I really liked the idea behind this piece, so many people out there are never heard until it is too late, and the question you ask at the end is one that inspired me to really think about it. Nice job! For the most part I found the rhythm fairly steady. There is no real rhyme or reason, which I like, it allows a certain freedom for the author.

I have a habit of reading poetry out loud and when I did I found that there is one section that doesn't flow as well as the rest, at least, in my opinion. It is as follows. Remember, this is just my opinion so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

- So easy to not see, and too quiet to hear.

Or is it that you're too busy to care?
*** I stumbled when I read these two lines. The first one felt like too many words, like my mouth had trouble wrapping around them and keeping the flow steady. The second line I think would be more dramatic if it was said as a statement. For example,

~~ So easy to ignore, and too quiet to hear
Perhaps you're just too busy to care.

Or something like that, I don't pretend to be a great poet so you will definitely have to change it up and make it good, but it gives you an idea of what I mean.

An enjoyable read! Happy Writing!

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405
405
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya!

I found this piece to be quite moving. The shorter sentences seemed to enhance the emotional feel of the narrative and the writing was smooth and easy to read through. There was a sense of regret and possibly even guilt from the narrator, as though he felt that he should have been the one to go. In such a short piece the reader got a good look at the character of Mark and how his friendship had impacted the life of the narrator. Very nice. I didn't notice any errors in punctuation or flow, just an enjoyable read!

Happy Writing!

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406
406
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on the Shameless Plug Page.

I found this to be a very insightful and moving essay. You did a good job with the tone of the piece, I felt it was consistent. There is a strong undercurrent of personal opinion, and I think it really added a level of intensity to the entire piece. I also like how you used various quoted statements to make your point, it intensified the message considerably, and also shows the level of preparation that was undertaken to write this.

Due to the fact that you requested help on grammar I did go through this piece a second time but was only able to find a couple of things to comment on. They are as follows.

- We hold the blame because is that not the belief of democracy; that the people should rule?
*** I stumbled on this sentence. I think that reworking it slightly would help. For example,
~~We hold the blame - is it not the belief of democracy that the people should rule?

- As Barry Goldwater said “Remember that a government big....
*** Just need punctuation after 'said'.

All in all, a well written and insightful essay!

Happy Writing!

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407
407
Review of Kid's Poems  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya! Welcome to WDC, I am sure you will love it here!

I think these poems are wonderful children's pieces. The rhythm is steady, the rhymes are well done, and the content is humorous. I am sure these poems will be fun for children.

I have four kids, aged 2 to 11, and I liked these poems so well that I read them aloud to my kids, complete with expressions, and they loved them! My eleven year old boy especially liked the fishing one, he laughed so hard when the trout was stuck to his toe!

All in all, well written and enjoyable! Happy Writing!


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408
408
Review of The Last Cynthia  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya! Welcome to WDC!

I really enjoyed reading this piece, and I hope you continue on with the story. The plot line is very different than the majority of stories, and I found it very entertaining. The narrative has a definite personality to it and gives insight to the main characters personality and motivations. The writing flows well and I had no trouble getting right into it. I was a little disappointed at the end that there was no more to read!

I have a few suggestions regarding spelling, punctuation, etc. They are as follows.

- LatelyI feel like I've been buying a lot of jeans.
*** Just need a space in between 'lately' and 'I'.

- You know when you try on jeans at the mall and there is a mirror in front of you and behind you.
*** I think there should be a question mark at the end of this sentence.

- Knowing this would be inexact, what are the odds that Cyntha would have the same social in every permeatition of reality, I started my search. And I was right. And now I feel sick.
*** I like this part but I think that it would be easier to follow the two seperate thoughts if you used dashes. For example,
~~Knowing this would be inexact, - what are the odds that Cyntha would have the same social in every permeation of reality? - I started my search.
*** You could even put the question in brackets, that would work as well. Also, the word 'permeatition' should be 'permeation'.

All in all, a very enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

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409
409
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya, I found this piece on the Shameless Plug Page.

I think this story has a lot of potential. You have captured the mindset of a teenager very well, her thoughts, reactions and speech are realistic for her age and upbringing. I like her friend Kaylie, though I think I would be a bit more suprised if I was in her situation. The introduction of Jesse was seamless and I like his personality so far. He is well rounded, which is nice to see. I think this piece will definitely appeal to young adults, it is realistic and believable for the most part, and makes the reader feel like their life can't be all that bad when compared to what these teenagers are facing. I like that you added some of Twyla's emotions in this chapter, it allows the reader to see that she isn't all bad and that what she does is instictive and necessary according to what she has become.

I have some suggestions, they are as follows.

- "Looks to me like I'm not the only one that doesn't want to watch what happened in the stock market in 1920 either," Mrs. Keif stands and looks around the room, stomps to the light switch and turns it on.
*** I believe this statement is made by Twyla but because the action that follows it is from Mrs. Keif it makes it seem like she is saying it. This could confuse some readers so I suggest to seperate the action and place it in a seperate paragraph.

- Your thin, nice rack, pretty face, blonde hair.
*** 'Your' should be 'you're'.

- You don't even want to know what most of the guys in this school say

what they'd like to do to you. And if I'm not mistaken you have a cell phone too."
*** This sentence is slightly off. I think you should omit the second 'what' directly before 'they'd', it is not needed. Also, there is a gap between the lines, which is more than likely just the formatting but caused me to stumble over this section.

- Yes freedom!
*** Should be a comma after 'Yes'.

- May I kiss you feet madame?"
*** Just a typo on 'your', missing the 'r'.

- ...victim of what ever beast is prowling the Downtown...
*** The word 'whatever' is one word.

- Were not quite sure what to make of this yet, but...
*** The word 'were' should be 'we're'.

- "Yeah that's bus riders for you."
*** Need a comma after 'Yeah'.

- now she's confused.
*** The word 'now' should be capitalized.

- Kylie's glow with excitement.
*** I think this was meant to be 'aglow' rather than 'glow'.

Feel free to let me know when you have edited this chapter, I would be more than happy to revise my rating according to the changes. As I said before, I think this novel in progress has a lot of potential. All the main elements of an intriguing story are there, for sure.

Happy Writing!

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410
410
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya. I found this piece to be an active read. You accomplished quite a bit in this chapter with the development of the girls personality. She kills without conscience, yet doesn't do hard drugs or drink, which shows conflicting emotions within her. The narrative tone of this piece is consistent, but I had a hard time pinpointing the age of the main character. At first I thought she was about 16 but then there is mention that she has an apartment for the things she finds. I normally find first person hard to follow but with this one I had no trouble at all. One suggestion I have is regarding her thoughts. For direct thoughts it is sometimes helpful to put them into italics, this can help the reader to anticipate direct thoughts vs. narrative.

I found a few errors regarding punctuation and have included suggestions below.

- ...quickly fade to wheezes and than no breath at all.
*** The word 'than' should be 'then'.

- "Excuse me ma'am. I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the vehicle, slowly."
*** Need a comma after 'me'.

- The officers eyes nearly exploding out of his skull.
*** This sentence feels a little bit off to me, the flow isn't there. I think if you rephrased slightly, it would help. For example,
~~The officers eyes threatened to explode out of his skull.

- I lunge at him. gripping his shoulders,...
*** The word 'gripping' should be capitalized.

- My hand grasps and soft leather pouch.
*** I think 'and' should be 'a'.

- ...plus I haven't searched you're whole vehicle."
*** The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

All in all, an interesting read. Happy Writing!

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411
411
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya!

I just love the characters in this story! They are so full of life, and I just adore the whitty thoughts. I find their thought processes and reactions to be very realistic, as well as entertaining.

I did notice some spots where the flow was off, as well as some punctuation and grammar issues, most of which I have included below for you. I do suggest, however, that you go through and edit for comma's. I found that most of the time I stumbled over a sentence, it could have been made clear with more punctuation. I didn't include many on comma's below, besides the ones I thought most important. I usually don't make an issue out of things like this, but I feel this novel has so much personality and humor and that some readers may not get the full effect if they are noticing punctuation etc., rather than situations and expressions. When I edit my own work, I find that reading it aloud helps with determining where comma's would be most useful. When I pause in speech, I add a comma, and most of the time it is fairly accurate.

- Not only had her brothers antics at the Hennessey wedding ruined their chances of a bonus and embarrassed them in front of half of the “Cheshire set” therefore, ruining their chance of 1000’s of pounds of potential future business, he now had to go and do this- what was wrong with him????
*** This sentence doesn't flow very well. By the time I got to the end I found I had lost the original point. I think that rewording it would cause you to lose the humor, however, so my suggestion is to change the punctuation to allow for pauses. For example,
~~Not only had her brothers antics at the Hennessey wedding ruined their chances of a bonus and embarassed them in front of half of the 'Cheshire set' - therefore, runing their chances of thousands of pounds of potential future business - he now had to go and do this! What was wrong with him?

- ...and Ellie was sat alone in the office she shared with her brother...
*** I think 'sitting' would flow better than 'sat'.

- The picture weren’t even the worst part.
*** The word 'picture' should be plural.

- That was strange…maybe he’d slept with her in the past and she was pissed off that he hadn’t remembered.
*** I stumbled over the last part of this sentence. I think you should flip the words about a little. For example,
~~That was strange...maybe he'd slept with her in the past that he hadn't remembered, and she was pissed off.

- “Hey, you’re that guy from OK Magazine”
*** Missing end punctuation before the quote marks.

- Several other customers turned to look at him as he smiled proudly and said loudly “yes that’s me, would you like an autograph?”
*** I have a few suggestions for this sentence. First, punctuation before the dialogue is needed and the 'yes' should be capitalized. Also, the words 'proudly' and 'loudly' seem like too many adverbs close together. Perhaps one or the other could be dropped, or reworded. For example,
~~Several other customers turned to look at him as he smiled proudly and said, "Yes, that's me. Would you like an autograph?"

- He turned around, looked at Eva and said “what?”
*** Need a comma after 'said' and 'what' should be capitalized.

- I thought that the exposure would get us loads of business and I’d be out of the dog house actually” he told...
*** Need punctuation at the end of the dialogue before the quotation marks.

- ...and buy as many of those magazines so other people can’t as possible” and with that she left the office slamming the door behind her.
*** I think 'as possible' would fit better after 'magazines' and end the sentence with 'so other people can't'.

- “No absolutely not!” “We will have the wedding in London and that is final.” Chloe’s mothered shouted whilst dramatically fanning herself with her handbag.
*** There is an extra set of quote marks, I think both sentences in the dialogue could be in the same quotation marks.

- ...ill-fated Okay Magazine article...
*** Just a quick observation, 'Okay Magazine' was 'OK Magazine' in the rest of this chapter.

All in all, I think you have a wonderful novel going! Oh, and I would be more than happy to revise my rating once you have edited. *Smile* Just let me know!

Happy Writing!

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412
412
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya!

I am already in love with these characters! The tone of the narrative is active and fun, and changes according to the point of view. All three characters so far have their own emotions and characteristics in patterns of thought, and I have to say, I love Ellie's attitude. She is strong and competent, as well she would need to be having a brother like Mike!

The only suggestion I have is regarding comma usage. There are several long sentences in this story, which is in keeping with the narrative tone, but I noticed that many of them could use some extra comma's to show pauses in speech. I have included a couple of examples below.

- Owing to his indiscretion, his fiancée (she always was a clever girl) called off the wedding and unceremoniously kicked him out of their brand new house which her daddy had bought them as a wedding present and out onto the street.
*** I think this sentence would flow easier if you added either dashes or comma's around the following section, 'which her daddy had bought them as a wedding present'. It would show that it is an extra thought so the reader doesn't lose the original subject of the sentence.

- Moving off into let’s face it the grandest toilet she’d ever seen, she stared at herself in the mirror and willed herself to be happy and have a good time.
*** I believe that adding a comma after 'into' would increase flow.

This was a very enjoyable read and if I had the book in my hand, I would keep on reading. Happy Writing!

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413
413
Review of Christine's Song  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!!

This piece has a definite charm all of its own. The plot line was different than the average story (well, what the authorities did anyway!) and I found it intriguing and satisfying to read. I like the narrative tone, it was like being told the story by someone who had seen it happen. The flow and sentence structure were steady and effortless to read.

I noticed a few things which I have listed below for you.

- Christine thought if she broadcast her song for entire town to hear...
*** Just missing the word 'the' between 'for' and 'entire'.

- ...removing her voice box so they she may never sing her song again.
*** I think the word 'they' is a typo, as it doesn't go with the sentence.

- ...brought together by the beauty in the song’s words bringing a peace not ever known to the people on earth.
*** This is pure opinion, but I think this sentence would flow easier if the word 'and' was put in between 'words' and 'bringing'.

A very enjoyable read.*Smile* Happy Writing!

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414
414
Review of Surprises  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!!

What a suspenseful yet funny story! You definitely had me in the beginning. It wasn't until the second giggle when I had an inkling of what was going on, very well done!

The sentence structure and flow are both very good, and I didn't notice any punctuation, grammar or spelling errors. I noticed though, that the areas that were meant to be in italics were not, and all that showed was <i> and </i>. I don't know if it was just the formatting or you used the wrong bracket. { is the bracket that works for italics, just in case that is what happened.

The following sentence felt a bit off to me, I think perhaps stating it in a different way would help retain the flow.

- The smell of his cologne made her not want to slap him anymore.
*** It just feels simplistic compared to the wording in the rest of the piece.

All in all, a great read! Happy Writing!

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415
415
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya!

First of all, thank you for mentioning me as a helpful reviewer of this piece. It was very nice of you!

Next, I have re-rated according to the edits that you have done. I think you did a great job on that.

Now, onto the part where I said you tend to 'tell' rather than 'show'. I realize that this is a prologue and is meant to tell a back story leading up to chapter one, however, I had a hard time visualizing the battle that led up to the sacrifice of the two kings. I think that you could let the reader become more involved in the battle by playing out a small part around when the king falls to the muddy ground. I think it would make the sacrifice that much more dramatic to the reader, and pull them in on an emotional level.

Please remember, though, that this is just a suggestion, and you have every right to disagree. *Smile*

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416
416
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya!

I think this piece has a lot of potential. The story line you have introduced is quite involved and I can just imagine all the different conflicts and situations you will come up with. So far, the plot development is done well. I think though, that there is a tendency to 'tell' rather than 'show'. I believe that the action scenes could be stepped up a little with a more active narrative to make the scenes unfold as one would see it, rather than just telling the reader what they see. I think you would find the result beneficial to the story line and understanding of the events.

I enjoy that you have added so much detail to the story line, it makes for an interesting read and will enhance suspense and intrigue the farther you go with it.

I have some suggestions as far as punctuation, grammar and sentence structure go, they are as follows.

-The first thing I wanted to comment on is that there are several places where the punctuation at the end of the quotes are missing. For example,
~~ “Fine” the king replied.
*** Missing punctuation within the quotation marks.

- ...the air around them starting to crackle with shine with gold and red sparks.
*** There is an extra 'with' before the word 'shine'.

- When the air above them was glowing so brightly no-one could look upon it,, both the kings drew daggers and slashed the back of their wrists, then let the blood drip into separate bowls.
*** I have two comments for this sentence. First, there is a comma and a period together before 'both the kings'. Secondly, I think it would read smoother without the word 'the' before 'kings'.

-...until the solae's blood was glowing a shining gold and the human's blood sparkling between crimson and blood red.
*** In the first sentence you use 'glowing' and 'shining' very close together. Because they both say the same thing, it feels repetitive. Also, I think 'sparkling' should be 'sparkled'.

- The human king smiled and replied “Thank you, though it will take more than luck to win the battle.
*** Just missing punctuation after 'replied'.

- “It looks like this is it, old friend” exclaimed the solae in a despairing voice.
*** Just missing punctuation before the end of the quote.

- *** I just wanted to mention one thing. You use the word 'sparks' quite a bit, it may flow with less repetition if you substitute a different word that means the same for a few of them.

- The kings and prince took a few paces forward only to be confronted by a sudden whoosh of wings, and the huge bulk of a scaly, red lizard, mounted by a black haired, pale skinned keilae clad in black, shining leather, drove its claws into the snow as it landed.
*** I think you should consider seperating this up into a few sentences rather than leaving it all in one. By the time I got to it digging its claws in I was lost and had to re-read to understand.

- You will all die tonight” growled the keilae.
*** Missing the punctuation at the end of the quote.

All in all, a solid start! Happy Writing!!

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417
417
Review of Break the Norm  
for entry "Chapter 2" 
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya!

After the first chapter, I had to continue on to this one. I am convinced that readers of YA, as well as fantasy and paranormal will like this. The plot is moving along nicely, and I think the way Laura has visions, with the addition of the physical changes that take place, is done very well. I could easily imagine the situation. You did a great job with the emotions of both the characters in this chapter, and the hook at the end was nicely placed. As a reader, it makes me need to know what happens next. There was just enough information in the vision to make my mind start swimming with possibilities. Nicely done!

My suggestions are as follows.

- Though I expected Drake to try another way in as and expected when we got to the gate Drake climbed up and over.
*** This sentence is a bit jumbled, I think there are a few extra words.

- Laura relaxed and started to fall forward I caught her and put her back on the bed.
*** I think this sentence rambles a tad bit. Perhaps a comma after 'fall forward' would give a pause and increase the flow.

Another great read. Happy Writing!

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418
418
Review of Break the Norm  
for entry "Chapter 1" 
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya.

I think you have done a good job on the first chapter of this novel. There is just enough hints dropped and tid-bits of information to intrigue the reader to read on. The character development of Laura was consistent through this chapter, and the introduction of her father was done smoothly. I already like the character of Drake. He seems to be a good guy, but no to the extreme of being 'too nice'. So far, these two characters are believable and realistic. I noticed only a couple of things that I have commented on below.

- She’d had said this name before, but she couldn’t remember who the person was to her.
***There is a double use of 'had' in the beginning of this sentence, 'She'd' and 'had'.

- The silence was about to be awkward when Laura interrupted it.
*** I stumbled on this sentence, it felt slightly awkward. I think perhaps 'the silence was becoming awkward' would flow easier.

- I didn’t care how tired she was. She’s about to get an earful.
*** There is a change of tense with the second sentence.

I also like that you are using both of their view points. Though it is more challenging for the author, it allows the reader to get to know both characters well. Happy Writing!!

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419
419
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+
Hiya.

This is an unbelievably powerful love story. The fact that it is a forbidden love, with no hope of ever seeing fulfillment, made it even more emotional and satisfying to me as a reader. It is a combination of happily ever after, for he will always have the memories of her tender and loving attentions.

I found the pace of the story to be consistent. The story was revealed slowly enough for the reader to get a feeling for the type of love Neil developed for Abena, and the pureness of that love made this piece all the more enjoyable. I really enjoyed the character of Abena. A well rounded mother, caretaker, wife and lover. I couldn't imagine being faced with a situation such as this in her place. No matter how much she loved him, she could not leave her family and what they had built.

Below are my comments and suggestions.

- The next time, you repeat this mistake, there will be serious consequences."
*** When I read this sentence it seemed to me that the first comma causes a pause in the speech that isn't necessary.

- Early on in the story he is sitting down to breakfast, then a honking of a horn interrupts them. This caught my attention because I imagined him inside in a kitchen, and the transition to outside was unexplained.

- It all seemed to be paning out well, and I daresay...
*** The word 'paning' should be 'panning'. I had to check in the dictionary just to make sure, but it insists that 'paning' isn't an available word.

- Though intrigued, I quickly forgot her and also about the bananas at breakfast, the moment I reached office where a mountain of paperwork sat on my desk.
*** I stumbled over this sentence. I think you could eliminate 'and also about'. I don't think it is needed in order to understand the sentence. Also, the comma after 'breakfast' could be taken out, I think. When I originally read this sentence the comma caused me to think the part that starts with 'the moment I' was starting a new thought rather than carrying on the previous one. One more thing, you need the word 'the' in front of 'office'.

- ...he has sold of his crop somewhere else, I cursed.
*** Not too sure if maybe you are going for a specific result with the wording of this sentence, but I think the word 'of' feels slightly out of place.

- Her elaborate, hairdo captivated me.
*** I don't think you need a comma in this sentence.

- I began to marvel her elegance and her simple yet impeccable clothes.
*** Need the word 'at' between 'marvel' and 'her'.

- “You see, Robert, I want to watch the cocoa trucks enter when the enter our premises.”
*** A typo on 'they' directly before the word 'enter'. I think you could eliminate the first 'enter' to stay away from repetition.

- I didn’t think it necessary to discern what was it about those scenes that delighted me more;
*** The area 'what was it about those scenes' seemed slightly off to me. I suggest to switch the words around a bit. For example,
~~what it was about those scenes...

- Accustomed only to her reserved nature, her overwhelming femininity and expressive eyes, bewildered me and numbed my mind with bashfulness.
*** I stumbled on the last section of this sentence, I think adding the word 'it' before 'bewildered' would increase the flow and understanding of this sentence.

- ...but her working clothes were hand-dyed textiles rolled which she rolled around her body and tucked in at her chest.
***There is an extra word 'rolled' before 'which she rolled'.

- “Hello, sir. Hi, Dino. Hi, Joseph.” He shook our hands. I observed
*** The end of this sentence just drops off.

- Pointing to patch of land where small plants had sprouted, she continued,...
*** I think adding an 'a' in front of 'patch' would increase the flow.

- Perhaps, it was my mistake that I insisted one meeting her.
*** The word 'one' should be 'on'.

- She exposed her lovely body so that my hungry eyes could feast upon.
*** I think replacing 'so that my' with 'for my' and replacing 'could' with 'to' would increase the flow of this sentence. For example,
~~She exposed her lovely body for my hungry eyes to feast upon.

This story definitely effected me as a reader, and is one I will not soon forget. *Smile*

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420
420
Review of Jacie  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!!

Wow, this is a tear-jerker for sure. This piece starts out cute, reminiscing about childhood and how fun adventuring with a sibling can be when young and full of imagination. The turn of events was predictable, but did not take away from the emotional response at the end. I think you did a great job of portraying the view point of the girl, and her response to the tragedy.

Your writing is smooth, and I found your word usage to be descriptive and realistic. I was able to create a mental image very easily. The last paragraph wrapped the story up well, and left me feeling the emotions from the piece, even after I finished reading.

I have a few suggestions, they are as follows.


- I talked about piercing his ears so he could where my earrings.
*** The word 'where' should be 'wear'.

- I guess sometimes they lose faith when praymers fall on deaf ears.
*** Just a typo on 'prayers'.

- ...and into a waiting canine mouth., The one time we got caught we lied through our teethe and put all the blame on the dog.
*** There is a period and a comma together at the end of the first sentence. As well, the word 'teeth' has a typo.

A very enjoyable read! Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
421
421
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya. Another great chapter. This chapter really let the reader see Hayden's emotional dilemma, though now I'm dying to know exactly what happened!*Smile* The tone of this chapter was quite different from the last, and let me see that it was coming from a different character. From the difference I can see that you 'get into' your characters. Very nice.

I noticed one typo, it is as follows.

- Who will except me after my exile?
*** I think 'except' should be 'accept'.

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
422
422
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya! I am reviewing this piece because you were good enough to review for me, and I wanted to return the favor.

I have to say, first off, that when I first saw this was a chapter in verse form, my first thought was 'how do you write a chapter in verse form and still tell a story?' As you may have figured out from that statement, I am not good at poetry.*Smile* However, with preconcieved notions in hand, I read through this piece and was extremely impressed!

I found the flow to be steady and constant and the sentence structure to be explanatory and descriptive with very few words. As a reader, I experienced James' emotions and preconceptions of the girls around him and found out why he feels that way. The end also produced a hook to interest me in reading on to the next chapter. All of the components of a good first chapter, as well as free verse poetry. Great job in combining the two! *Smile*

As I always do with poetry, I read this piece aloud and found the rhythm and timing to be good, as well. I thoroughly enjoyed this, and will definitely read on.

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


423
423
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this piece on The Request Review Page.

What a great new spin on the tale of 'Peter Pan'! I really like how you have incorporated the tale into modern societies views on becoming an adult. The lost boys being children from an orphanage was a great idea and supported the story line well. The flow of the plot was smooth, as was sentence structure and delivery. The narrative voice suits the piece and I believe it will appeal to all generations of readers. I also think you did a good job with character development on both Jonah and Bella. It was nice that Jonah was not just a spoiled kid that didn't want the responsibility of growing up, but a young man with a desire to make a difference in the lives of the lost boys. Bella was a fun character with a realistic personality. No one in the world is all good or all bad and it was a nice touch to add a mischevious side to her.

I do have a few suggestions. I am the kind of writer that believes punctuation, spelling and grammar are very important to the strength of a piece, and therefore, I have provided examples and suggestions below.

- Jonah was having too much fun playing with this orphan kids to step into the real world.
*** The word 'this' is out of place in this sentence. I think it should be 'these', or simply 'the'.

- "No one yet. But soon, I'll have to leave and-"
*** This sentence is an answer to which college he will go to so using 'no one' doesn't work. It indicates that the subject is a who not a place. My suggestion here is to say 'None yet'.

- The small crowed clapped and cheered and made their way....
*** Just a typo on 'crowd'.

- She knew something, and it made Jonah wary."
*** Just a misplaced quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

- They'll be a full-time job waiting for you when you get back."
*** The word 'they'll' refers to a group of people and I think in this instance 'there will' would fit the subject of the sentence.

The only other suggestion I have is regarding the spot where he is remembering the previous night when he and the boys had set off fireworks behind his apartment building. In this section I noticed the word 'had' is used a lot in order to explain something that already happened. I think that perhaps you could present the situation as a memory that he is seeing in present time, like a flashback, which would eliminate the need for extensive use of past tense.

I enjoyed this piece, thank you for sharing it. *Smile* Happy Writing!!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
424
424
Review of The Bench  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. I found this piece on The Review Request Page.

I really enjoyed reading this piece. The tone of the narrative is soft and descriptive, and made me feel as though I was hearing the story, rather than reading it. I like the way you weave words in the descriptions of things like the changing of the season, and the falling of the leaves.

The only thing I noticed is that there are some tense changes through the telling of the story. For the most part it is told in the past tense using words such as 'was' and 'had'. However, the opening paragraph is written in present tense, using the words 'is' and 'this'. There is also a tense change in the last paragraph. I think that placing it all in the same tense would help this story to flow seamlessly.

All in all, a great read! Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
425
425
Review of Follow the Light  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya. Happy WDC Birthday!

I chose this piece at random and I find myself happy that I found it. To be completely honest, I normally stray away from zombie stories, but you have come at it in a way so different from the norm that I found it intriguing.

Your writing is fluid and I read through with ease. I think you did a great job with the transition in her personality from human to infected. It was a smooth switch, one thing at a time and the result was a believable process. I enjoyed seeing the world through her eyes as she changed, it gave me some insight into zombies, and made me admit that I was being close minded when I decided I didn't like zombie stories.

I didn't find any issues with punctuation or grammar, and only one spelling error, which I have shown below.

- The flashlight suddenly stopped moving, shinning instead directly at the infected.
*** The word 'shinning' should be 'shining'.

A very enjoyable read! Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun

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