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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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451
451
for entry "Who is T?" 
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya. I enjoyed reading this chapter. You have a way of writing in the first person that makes the reader feel as though they are actually inside of the character's head and without causing confusion. I find a lot of first person narrative that is hard to follow, but the narrative in this was really good. I like the way you write, the ideas flow well and the writing itself is smooth and easy to read. The character of Jade seems to have been well thought out and her reactions are realistic, as is the dialogue between her and her friends. You have also done well with showing her personality. I do have a few suggestions, which I have included below, along with some typo's that I noticed along the way.

- ...his is already loping away, shaking his shaggy blonde hair in laughter.
*** I think that 'his' should be 'he'.

- The bell shrilly rings and she takes that as her queue to huff and stalk off to first period.
*** i stumbled here a little, I think maybe 'rings shrilly' would be smoother than 'shrilly rings'.

- Why would Tanya want to meet me at Quaker Square, out old industrial mill turned mall, after school?
*** I'm not too sure on this sentence, the 'out old industrial mill turned mall' doesn't seem to make sense to me. The word 'out' is out of place.

- ...through the door and shooting down the hall to meet up with friend.
*** I think 'friend' should be plural.

- I can’t hear what their saying!
*** The word 'their' should be 'they're'.

- I push the flashing message sign on the phone and drop m bag on the floor...
*** Just a typo on 'my'.

- ...waving to carpool Mom of the Day and kicking off his shoes...
*** I think that adding hyphens here would help with the meaning of 'carpool Mom-of-the-Day'. It makes it one subject and shows the reader that it is intended to be that way.

- ...blue-grey eyes spaced to far apart,...
*** The word 'to' should be 'too'.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
452
452
Review of I Want to Go Hone  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya! Happy WDC Anniversary!

I really enjoyed this piece. I find dialogue hard to do without the ability to provide facial expressions, but you did a wonderful job at wording this so there was no need for extra's. Your style of writing is fluent and easy to read, and the story itself was wonderful. Great work.

Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
453
453
Review of Unearthed  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya. Happy WDC Anniversary!!

I really liked this piece. It is a strong beginning to a much larger story. It is easy to see that a lot of thought and planning went into this before the writing started. Your writing flows well, and I found it fairly easy to lose myself in the read and forget that I was supposed to be reviewing. One thing that I noticed was that you move back and forth between tense, sometimes using 'was' and then moving to 'is'. I think that if you chose one or the other, it would flow easier and reduce confusion. Also, the dialogue goes from person to person within the same paragraph. I have found that it is easier to follow if a new paragraph is used for each time that a new person speaks. I have noted a few small things I noticed, typo's and that sort of thing.

- ...the rank of dedicated that they were with out a doubt real.
***I think that adding comma's around 'without a doubt' would help to emphisize this sentence.

- Tetrys had a way of always fitting in a swear in every sentence.
*** This sentence feels slightly repetitive. I suggest to rephraze just slightly. For example, 'Tetrys had a way of fitting a swear into every sentence'.

- There is no line between were the iris ends and pupil begins.
*** Should be 'where' rather than 'were'.

All in all, an enjoyable read. Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
454
454
Review of Inner Struggle  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya. I was impressed with this piece. As I read through I kept thinking that it was interesting to see from the view point of the one inflicting the pain. I often enjoy writing the 'evil' side of my stories, just to get a feel for what my characters are up against. I enjoyed the twist on the end, it was definitely unexpected for me! I enjoy your style of writing, your use of words created a clear picture in my mind. I have one suggestions, it is as follows.

- It almost seemed to move, swirl in distinctive patterns before my eyes.
*** The flow of this sentence is just slightly off, I think that if 'swirl' was instead 'swirling', it would read smoother.

Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
455
455
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya. I think this is a good, strong first chapter. The main character was well introduced, and you managed to show a range of personality already. Jo seems to be a thoughtful person, and I look forward to seeing how her adventure plays out. It should be interesting considering that she restores older homes for a living. There wasn't much for plot introduced, and yet you managed to capture my interest. It has a definite sense of 'mystery' and Jo's personality as far as men go should make it fun as well. I think you have a very good use of vocabulary, and the ability to convey ideas without the need to over explain. Well done. I have a few suggestions, they are as follows.

- ...she was wearing nothing more than tank top and an old pair of Looney Tunes...
*** I think this sentence would benefit from an 'a' after 'than' and before 'tank top'.

- ... only bequest of a personal nature
*** Missing end punctuation on this sentence.

- ...just waiting to be cared for and nurtured back to it’s former self.
*** The use of 'it's' in this sentence should actually be 'its' with no apostrophe.'It's' is only needed when 'it is' could be substituted without changing the meaning of the sentence.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun

456
456
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya. I enjoyed reading this. It shows well how a child views a parents death, especially one with strange circumstances, as well as how something so tramatic as a parents illness can affect the child even later in life. I could feel a confusion of emotions from the narrative, and I think that proves the depth of the character, and the emotional pain that was suffered. One thing I don't understand is that there is reference to sundresses in the beginning, which made me assume the character was a girl. Was this done intentionally to show the mental state of the mother?

I have a few suggestions, they are as follows.

- It's just that the disease made it must more pronounced.
*** I think that 'must' should be 'much'.

- She was was a very affectionate mother.
*** There is an extra 'was' in this sentence.

- ....we'd sleep in the same bed and she'd sigh contently.
*** The word 'contently' should be 'contentedly'.

- She'd examine it from every angle, then she'd stick her nose right up to it and smell them for a long time.
*** In this sentence you use 'it' and 'them' in reference to the same thing. Doing this makes it both singular and plural, which is hard for a reader to understand. I suggest to chose one or the other.

- Some were hiding in sock drawer.
*** Need 'the' or 'her' inbetween 'in' and 'sock' to increase the flow of the sentence.

- ....her basket would be completely filled with daises and buttercups and roses and lilies or every color and shape.
*** I think that 'or' at the end of the sentence should be 'of'. Also, instead of using 'and' in between each kind of flower, I suggest to use comma's. I believe it would create a smoother flow while reading.

- The stench clogged my nostrils leaked down my throat.
*** Need the word 'and' between 'nostrils' and 'leaked'.

- But I clench my lip and bare it.
*** should be 'bear' rather than 'bare'.

All in all, an enjoyable read. *Smile*
Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun
457
457
Review of The Ritual  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya. This is a cute introduction to the characters of Stealth and Osper. It was easy for me to see their different personalities through the dialogue and reactions, well done on that. On the whole, the writing flows well. I would have liked a bit more description, the physical attributes of the two men, as well as some more of the scenery. I realize that these may have been left out to focus on the action, but I think that it would help with the visual for the reader. I have a few suggestions, they are as follows.

- .....barbarian's hide-clad bulk "Unlike you, I'm not part mountain goat."
*** Missing punctuation after 'bulk'.

- Leaning against a boulder, catching his breath, he asked, "Why...why are we here, again?"
*** This sentence is a little choppy, perhaps say 'to catch his breath' and omit the comma to help with flow.

- So he stood up, brushed himself off and waved Osper on. Stealth trudged close behind, eyes down, when he ran into the barbarian.
*** This part seems too much like point A to point B. I suggest to spruce it up a little. Stealth running smack dab into him could be quite comical if you show rather than tell.

- He was down wind, which is why they didn't smell him. Its greyish bulk nearly filled a wide gap between two large rocks.
*** In the first sentence you refer to the ogre as 'he' and in the second 'it'. I suggest to pick one or the other just because using the 'it' made me wonder what you were refering to at first, then I realized it was the ogre.

- There was no responding howl, so there was just one ogre around, fortunately for our heroes.
*** I'm not really sure on this one, but I think saying 'for our heroes' is perhaps not a great idea. That section stood out to me as out of place for the tone of the narrative before and after it. It is the only time the narrative refers to itself, unless you are planning to make it from the point of a story teller or something along those lines?

All in all, an entertaining read! Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle

Oh, I almost forgot. Loved your idea on putting the ReviewMe link on the sig's, I have added it to mine as well. *Smile*
458
458
Review of Paranoia  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hiya. I think this piece has a lot of potential. Your plot line is a great demonstration of how paranoia can affect someone. You have almost a poetic style of describing images and exploring inner emotions, and I think that allows the reader to actually 'feel' the piece.

I have a few suggestions for you as far as flow and punctuation. First, I noticed a few places where 'Stanley' is spelled differently. Sometimes, there is an 'e' between the 'l' and 'y', and sometimes there isn't. Also, I think that if you seperated the dialogue from the narrative and placed into seperate paragraphs, it would help the reader follow it a little easier. I noticed that you use semicolons quite often, and while they are often useful, they are also easy to overuse. I suggest to read through and seperate some of the longer sentences that use several comma's, as well as a semicolon, into shorter easier to follow sentences. One thing that I do when I am editing my own pieces is to read it aloud. Sometimes this can help with the pacing of the narrative, as well as indicate places where comma's are put to good use.

I have included some examples to explain these points below.

- In the third line there is a typo on 'Stanley'.

- Humans passed by in the masses, robotic complexities adorning the faces of each soul-starved one; their pupils heavy with disregard to everything other than would cause hindrance to their pace.
*** The second part of this sentence doesn't flow very well and I found I had to read it over a couple times to get the meaning. I would suggest to rephrase the second part a little. For example, their pupils heavy with disregard, ignoring anything that didn't hinder them directly. or, their pupils heavy with disregard, taking note only to what would cause hindrance to their pace. Or something along those lines, it was all I could come up with on the fly. *Smile*

- Stanley observed a group of humans clustered violently around a kebab shop, as a vile chef wearing a stained apron slowly cut the rotating meat slabs, Stanley couldn't help notice how the scene was similar to the hyena feeding frenzies featured on national geographic; only in this case the humans were even more so repulsive.
***This sentence is too long, it goes on for so long that I lost the point of it before I reached the end. My suggestion is that you seperate it into seperate sentences. For example, Stanley observed a group of humans clustered violently around a kebab shop as a vile chef, wearing a stained apron, slowly cut the rotating meat slabs. Stanley couldn't help notice how the scene was similar to Hyena feeding frenzies on 'National Geographic'. The only difference, in this case, was that the humans were even more repulsive. ~~The word 'so' after 'more' is an extra, and the National Geographic could be featured in quotation marks, as well as capital letters.

- Yet the cold, seemed to run up his sleeve,.....
*** I don't think the first comma is needed. For me it seemed to break the flow of the sentence.

All in all, I think this piece could be really great and that your style of writing compliments the subject very well. Feel free to let me know when you have edited and I would be more than happy to change my rating. I hope my comments have helped. *Smile* Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle
459
459
Review of A Cry  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, I really liked the plot line of this story, and I enjoyed your style of writing. First person is the hardest of the view points, at least for me, and you did well with it. The dialogue is very well done, and the thoughts of Lifa, and her reactions are very realistic considering her situation. Are you planning to extend this into a longer story? I think you have laid good ground work for a continued story, especially when you added the character of the man trying to save her. Having her think he was a monster was a good idea, I think, it showed how horrible her life must have been. Very intriguing story. I did notice a few things, which I have pointed out below with suggestions. All in all, an enjoyable read. You definitely did a good job creating suspense, as well as providing the reader with enough emotion to become attached to the story quickly.

- I fought back a loud shriek but failed somewhat when I whimpered instead. The monster sneered at me and I fought back the compulsion to spit in his devil face.
*** These two sentences both use 'I fought back' and because they are back to back, it feels a bit repetitive. I suggest to replace one with something that means the same; such as, 'I choked back' for the first sentence, or, 'I struggled with' for the second one.

- I would have loved a description of the monster, a little more than just his size.

- The monster sneered once more before turning and exiting the small room leaving me alone and bleeding.
*** I think that a comma after 'room' would increase the flow of this sentence.

- The voice sounded like it was in my ear, but at the same time it strangely sounded like it was shouted at me from three miles away.
*** This is pure opinion, but I think that saying from a distance would work better than 'three miles away' just because it allows the reader to make their own interpretation.

- I shrieked inside me.
*** I would suggest something that doesn't include needing the words 'I' and 'me' both in such a short sentence to improve the flow. For example, I shrieked inwardly, I shrieked mentally, etc.

- It was my savior as I stumbled into a meadow.
*** I stumbled here. I think you mean the light was her saviour but because it isn't a part of the previous paragraph, the subject of 'it' isn't clear.

- It hurt before it went numb like my right one.
*** I think the flow of this sentence could be improved by adding a little embellishment. It seems too simplistic to me to grant a clear picture of the pain, especially when the cause of the numbness leaves her without feeling in both hands.

Happy Writing!!

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AJ Lyle
460
460
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya. Another great chapter. The interview with Susan was well thought out and written. The girl's reactions were realistic and believable, and I could feel how hard it was on her to talk. Grace's reactions also, were well done. I like her personality, she is a real person and that is nice to see. Good to see you are introducing Connor early on, it will make for a stronger link between the two of them later on. Once again the writing was smooth and easy to lose myself in. I have pointed out a few sentences below that I have provided suggestions for. Hope it will help you out.

- Her body language letting Mr. Harris know that she was leaving it up to him.
*** This is personal opinion, but I think that you could use the word 'let' rather than 'letting' and achieve a smoother flow, while still retaining the same meaning.

- It was far enough away to not infringe on her personal space, but.....
*** I think switching the 'to not' to 'not to' would read easier, and again, retain the same meaning.

- She watched as Susan’s father reluctantly took his leave, with a last backward glance he said “I’ll be in my office if you need me.”
*** Just missing punctuation after 'he said', before the quotation mark.

- “No, I don’t”, Grace said, moving a little closer to Susan and placing a hand on hers.
*** The comma after the dialogue should be within the quotation mark.

- .....tone than she intended said, “It’s me, Cami”
*** Missing end punctuation inside the quotation marks.

All in all, another strong chapter. I can't wait to read more. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
461
461
Review of A Day Before Now.  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. I think this is an intense piece with elements of interest to almost any reader. I like the way you used the opening lines of each paragraph, it gave the piece structure and a sense of 'beginning to end'. The first paragraph especially was wonderfully written with very nice flow, I was on the second paragraph before I even really knew what hit me. Great job on that. I also liked the 'sometimes, most times, and all times', very nice touch. The flow is very good throughout the piece, with only a few spots that I found myself stumble slightly. I have included these areas below for you to look over, as well as my suggestions.

To be completely honest, I normally don't review pieces labelled as 'other' simply because it intimidates me, and I just wanted to say that this time I am really glad I did. This piece left me feeling content, as though by reading it, I had somehow expressed some of what I feel without ever picking up a pen. Weird as that might sound! *Smile*

Suggestions:

- I see faces around me, those that I love and having that love unknown, unreturned, unseeing, unbelieving.
*** This line stumped me a little. The word 'having' made me think there should be a mention of what having these feelings unreturned would be in the way of emotion. Or, perhaps I am not getting the intended message of the line, but if felt unfinished to me. Perhaps a slight rewording, or even an addition or two would help that. I have written two here, just for examples.

~~I see faces around me of those I love, but it is unknown, unreturned, unseeing, unbelieving. or
~~ The faces of those I love surround me; unknown, unreturned, unseeing, unbelieving.

- Or could it be self-destruction.
***This sentence didn't seem to fit the flow of the piece, it feels like more of an actual question than rhetorical question. My suggestion is this,
~~Or perhaps, self-destruction.

- The infinite beauty touches my face and for the first time in feels-like centuries, I smile.
***I loved this sentence, the only thing that I think could strengthen it would be to add the word 'what' and a comma. For example,
~~The infinite beauty touches my face and for the first time, in what feels like centuries, I smile.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
462
462
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya again! You did a really great job on the edit, and I have revised my rating accordingly. I read through this time with ease, and I was right the first time, it was a great story. I have to be honest though, I enjoyed the characters so much that I would love to read this in a longer version if you ever decide to expand it. I did note two small things that I have commented on below, but other than that, all I have to say is that this is a very well written story!

- Jamison drove the Galaxy up the weedy gravel road passed the....
***Passed should be past.

- The thing hummed sweetly with him near, and I regarded it wary,....
***I think warily would work better than wary in this sentence.

Happy Writing!

AJ Lyle
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463
463
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya. This was an enjoyable read. I found his thoughts, charmingly blunt, to be refreshing in their honesty. The narrative tone is fun, and made me smile. The main suggestion I have is that you read through looking for common typo's. I noted a few below, but noticed several times that the beginning of a sentence wasn't capitalized. Also, in the third paragraph, the first line has so many comma's that it messed with the flow a bit. Perhaps you could seperate it into two sentences, or perhaps use a semi colon or two.

- she looks content, grunting....
*** 'She' should be capitalized.

- ....there's no way he would know The dog....
*** Missed the period in between 'know' and 'The'.

- the dog can't manipulate him,....
*** The word 'the' should be capitalized.

I really enjoyed this piece and would be happy to re rate after you edit.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
464
464
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya. This is an excellent story, and you tell it well. My rating for this is based on typo and grammar errors, so when you edit let me know and I will re rate it. I think the story you have started has some real potential. The characters are wonderful, they are very believable, rounded characters and I felt attached to them quickly. It sounds as though you've done your homework on facts, which is nice to see. I started noting the typo's and have included some of them here, but I suggest a thorough reading of this to catch them all. Your hands must get typing too fast, a telling trait of almost all writers. *Smile* I look forward to reading more of this story, and seeing the relationships and plot grow.

- .....bleach-bloned behind the steering wheel.
*** Typo on bleach-blonde.

- since I was in the kindergarten.
*** The word 'the' is not needed.

- 'I was so tickled when I heard that your folds....
*** I think that folds should be 'folks'?

- Auriel liked to attach seasons and clors to people.
*** Typo on the word 'colors'.

- ....that wove passed a grove of ancient oaks,...
*** Passed should be 'past'.

-....football with Jamison sine elementary school.
***Typo on 'since'.

- Other students filed passed....
*** Passed should be 'past'.

- And speaking of molding Miss Racine, have you finished.....
*** There should be a comma after 'molding'.

- auriel declared, victoriously whipping
*** Auriel should be capitalized.

- ....echoed like a rapied heartbeat in a tin can....
***Typo on 'rapid'.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
465
465
Review of Click  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. The flow is wonderful, making the read effortless and enjoyable. To be honest, it didn't even feel like reading. The images you created were awesome, the descriptions vivid and real. I also enjoyed the character of Elliott, he felt like a real person, feeling real emotions, and as a result, so did I. A well told story, to be sure. I found a few things to comment on, they are as follows.

- ....too much too bear.
*** The second 'too' should be 'to'.

- Something it never seemed to anymore.
*** Need the word 'do' after 'to'.

- ...turning it on to and flipping....
*** The word 'to' doesn't fit here, probably a typo.

- As turned it on and flipped through the pictures.
*** I'm not sure about this sentence, it feels incomplete. It starts with 'as' which led me to believe that there should be more to it. Perhaps a rephrasing would help.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
466
466
Review of Life  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya. This is a very expressive piece for how short it is. Very well done. I love the tone of this, it feels like someone is actually speaking, rather than reading. I enjoyed the content, as I have felt this way on several occasions, but never expressed it. It is a great statement to make, and I completely agree with what you are saying. I did notice a few errors, they are as follows.

- "When did I become this person? and when did this become my life?"
*** The second question should be capitalized.

- "When did they leave? and why did they go?"
*** Again, the second sentence should be capitalized.

***This is pure opinion, but instead of using quotations, you could use italics. I think it may make it seem a little more dramatic. All in all, I really enjoyed this, it is inspirational and motivating. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
467
467
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya. This was a good read. I think that the dialogue and flow would be about right for the age group in which you are targeting, as well as for adults obviously, because I thoroughly enjoyed it. One thing that I noticed was that a lot of the dialogue is missing punctuation within the quotation marks, and a few times the punctuation was outside of the quotations, so you might want to clean that up a bit. Also, this is the same characters as "Invasion", but I noticed that the age of Johnny was different. In the other piece I am pretty sure he was about twelve, and Melanie was fourteen, but in this one he is nine. Perhaps I'm just losing it! Anyway, here are a few other things I noticed.

- “You spat on me...what? Who will know we are here?
***Just missing the end quotations on this bit of dialogue.

- Pausing to think for a while, he added “Well sometimes....
***You need some punctuation after the word added, I think a comma would do it.

- Looking at her pleadingly he finished “You have to help me”.
***Need punctuation after 'finished'.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
468
468
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya. Well, I can safely say that I cried. The song that this is based on is one of the few that have stuck with me, as I am sure this story will as well. What a great job on adding the details. I enjoyed the tone of the narrative, it made me feel as though I was 'watching' the events unfold. The flow of this piece is very good, making the read effortless, enjoyable and emotional. Overall, an excellent read. I did notice a few small mistakes, they are as follows.

- .....was a healthy and strong. A boy.
****You don't need the 'a' in this sentence.

- He hugged her tenderly with strength,.......
****I stumbled on this part a bit. I wonder if rewording it slightly would increase the flow.

- .... pulling out gorgeous black low cut strapless....
****I think you need an 'a' after the word 'out'. Also, I think a comma after 'black' would increase flow.

- ....scoop her up into his strong eyes.....
****I think you mean strong 'arms'.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
469
469
Review of LOTI: Preface  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya. I enjoyed reading this piece. I have always been intigued with Scotland, so I've read quite a few novels that have anything to do with it. I really think you have the accent down wonderfully. The speech rolls in a good pattern and is easy to follow. There are a few times when you use very short sentences, I think to make it seem more dramatic, but for me it took away from the flow more often than not. Remember though, it is only my opinion, and the author normally knows best! I am definitely interested in reading more of this, to see where it leads. I noticed a few things that I have commented on below.

- At the end of a long promontory projecting into the Sound of Raasay loomed a distant castle made of the black rocks of Trotternish Ridge.
***I stumbled over this sentence a bit, it seemed to go on too long. I suggest to reword one part, as follows.

- At the end of a long promontory which projected into the Sound of Raasay, loomed a distant castle made of the black rocks found at Trotternish Ridge.

- Thistles and Heather........
****Because you are referring to the plant, heather, I do not think it needs to be capitalized.

- He rested on hands and knees, sitting on his calves, head drooping, fighting nausea and a black curtain of unconsciousness, catching his breath in ragged gulps of air.
****I think you have put too many things into this sentence with the use of comma's. My suggestion is to break into more than one sentence for an easier rhythm.

- Norman stammered,
****This sentence just trailed off into nothing, I'm thinking it's a typo.

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
470
470
Review of My eagle  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya. This is a very moving piece, and I enjoyed the read. The writing flows well, and the story is told with a comfortable narrative tone. Well done. I noticed a few things, they are listed below. Remember they are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

- There was also a shady and green storybook-like
****I don't think you need the word and here, I think a comma would increase flow rather than 'and'.

-....sitting closer and closer everyday ‘til he let me sit on the side of the chair, where he would perch sometimes, and.....
****The part, 'where he would perch sometimes' is a seperate thought from how close she can get to the eagle. I suggest using a dash to seperate it, rather than comma's. For example:

-....sitting closer and closer everyday ‘til he let me sit on the side of the chair - where he would perch sometimes - and.....

- .....get him uncomfortable enough to flap a feet onto the ground.
***I stumbled on this sentence, I think you mean:

.....get him uncomfortable enough to flap a few feet above the ground. ??

All in all, an enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
471
471
Review of It could be  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, I enjoyed the subject of this poem. Emotion plays a large part in this piece, and it is ambiguous enough that it can mean many things to many different people. I have some suggestions, they are as follows. Remember, this is only my opinion, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

- We were so close, so bound, and ill never feel your breath on me
***This line doesn't make sense to me, the part 'ill never' confused me. Was 'ill' supposed to be 'will'?

- I look away, i've crossed the line
***Should be a capital 'I' on 'I've'.

- I do not write poetry very often, but I do love to read it, especially out loud. I found with this poem that the rhyming did not stay in the same pattern throughout, and whether you meant it to be that way or not, I'm not sure. I suggest to read it aloud, and see if the rhythm is what you intended it to be, as well as the rhyme.

- I very much enjoyed the following line:

Another day, a different place, reality

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
472
472
Review of Utopia  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hiya. You have a very smooth style of writing that carries the reader through the words with ease. I like the concept of this piece, it has a whole lot of room for development, in just about any direction you chose. A solid start on a larger work, for sure. I have a few suggestions, they are as follows.

- I thought that had found the loop hole of devastation in....
*** I stumbled over this sentence, I believe there should be an 'I' after the word 'that'.

- ...of all the souls I had in my possession in exchange for me to regain redemption.
***I think you could simplify this sentence just slightly to improve the flow. For example:
....of all the souls I had in my possession in exchange for redemption.

- See Hell is was just another Heaven, a....
***I think there should be a comma after 'See'. Also, the word 'was' is not needed.

- ....and I can only conclude is that my past conduct created the flaw.
***The word 'is' is not needed.

I look forward to reading more. *Smile*

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AJ Lyle
473
473
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya. I found this piece very thought provoking and an entertaining read. The narrative has a languid feel to it, almost as though the outcome is inevitable. The writing is smooth and compelling, and I found the emotions believable. The wife's lack of emotion when he came home was done nicely and provided a clear understanding of just how much she had put up with throughout his affairs. I enjoyed the fact that she didn't bait him, didn't offer anything in the note for him to pull justification from.

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AJ Lyle
474
474
Review of Stranger Boy  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


Hiya. Happy WDC Anniversary! *Smile* I enjoyed reading this poem. The lines flow well, and it contains a true meaning. Sometimes poetry can be so ambiguous that the meaning is unclear, but with this one that is not the case. I have a few suggestions, but keep in mind that poetry isn't one of my strong suits so feel free to disagree.

- my heart shal keep you a twinkle.
***Shal should be shall.

- from the harshest and the deserts.
***I stumbled on this line, I think it's the word 'and', it doesn't seem to fit. I wonder if 'of' would work?

Happy Writing!

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AJ Lyle
475
475
Review of What is Beauty  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! I think this piece has very good potential to be emotionally moving. The ambiance is wonderful. As I read it felt like I was truly reading words from the heart of a woman who is madly in love, and content with her life. I have noted below some areas that I feel could use some attention for miscellaneous reasons. I hope this helps you out, but remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

-In our last conversation you have asked what beauty is and what it means to me.
***I stumbled here a bit. I think you should omit the word 'have' in this sentence.

- I spent whole week walking trough the forests around La Fointaine and Awenda Park, taking pictures, thinking.
***I suggest to add 'a' before the word 'whole', or perhaps 'the' would work as well.

- ...when subtle balsamic fragrance of mushrooms, herbs, wild flowers and pine needles fill up the air just before sunset.
***I think fragrance(s) would work better here.

-.... when myriad of stars mirror in the black glistening waters of the lake.
***This sentence doesn't sound right to me, I think you need to say 'when myriad(s) of stars....' or perhaps, 'when a myriad of stars....'

- Soft mother's voice leads to the land of dreams, father's fishing rod, lie a magic wand" creates new adventures: .....
*** I think that you should rephraze the first few words to increase the flow. When I read this part, I didn't readily understand it. My suggestion: Mother's soft voice leads to the land of dreams, Father's fishing rod creates new adventures like a magic wand,.......

- ...fairies rides on birds,
***The word 'rides' doesn't need to be plural.

- ...each road show the way to the unknown territory....
***I think 'show' should be 'shows'.

You also referenced 'mother's soft voice' twice, I think maybe using something else for one of them would be a good idea. It could feel repetitive in a short piece.

Happy writing!
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AJ Lyle
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