I'm sending this review as part of I write in 2019. You posted before me, so here's my review.
This is an interesting story that fits the lyrics well. I found parts of this confusing, as I didn't think it was clear about the two friends competing for the same girl until the very end. I mention later on in this review that I thought the main character was female until somewhere in the middle, and I think the reason for that is the character (whose name we are never given) is shocked by all the guns and enthusiasm over hunting and fishing. That's odd to me, because where I live (not the south) all men are interested in those things. I do understand that not everyone is like that, I'm just explaining why I assumed the character was not male.
I would suggest making it clear that the main character is a guy right at the beginning. I don't know why, but I got the impression it was a girl until midway through when I discovered it was a guy. NOt a big deal, and it could have just been me but such things can pull a reader out of the story.
I'll copy/paste things here that I notice. Your text will be in red, and my corrections will be in green.
"It was a dorm in a mundane hall on a campus that I've love, but you probably wouldn't."It was a dorm in a mundane hall on campus that I loved, but you probably wouldn't."
This same paragraph has a lot of passive voice. Plus, when it's mentioned that the two main characters share the same first name, I think the name should be told to us, even though they use where they're from as their names.
"That's the background of this little cautionary tale,"
I'd advise against pulling the reader out of the story to discuss the purpose of the story. The narrator should almost be invisible. We want to be immersed in a story, not read about a story. Just tell the tale.
"even a small crowd of guys had a unmistakable smell of chew"
even a small crowd of guys had an unmistakable smell of chew.
"For example, most of the pickup tracks had a gun rack"
"For example, most of the pickup trucks had a gun rack"
I'd just like to point out here that owning guns, hunting, fishing, and enjoying country music are not all southern specific things. They do tend to be interests of those in rural areas, but in my experience, it's not region specific.
"Sometimes you think stars align, and perhaps you believe what you want is going to occur, and it was that kind night."
"...it was that kind of night.
I like the story you formed out of these sort of strange lyrics. The two friends are the two trains. Good luck with the challenge. I've fallen pretty far behind with mine. Thanks for sharing!